Rampage in Las Vegas
by Brandon Flaherty
Famous 90's actor Bojack Horseman and
scientist Rick Sanchez were finally brought
into custody
after a three
day long
"rampage of
destruction"
throughout
the greater
Las Vegas metro area. What seemingly
began as a relatively quiet party at
Horseman's estate in Henderson, Nevada,
turned into a series of events that led to both
Horseman and Sanchez nearly destroying
half of Clark County, Nevada. Sanchez, a
renowned scientist the world over, utilized a
"portal gun" to bring interdimensional beings
whose sole purpose is to accomplish menial
tasks. These beings, known as "Meseeks,"
found themselves unable to perform a task
that Horseman deemed "integral" to the
reinvention of himself as an actor. As more
and more tasks were piled on top of each
other in finishing the first said task (making
Horseman "famous again"), more and more
"Meseeks" were brought through the inter
dimensional portal created by Sanchez, thus
resulting in multiple inter dimensional tears.
Mixed Up News of Las Vegas
These tears allowed for all sorts of
otherworldly creatures to come to Earth and
wreak havoc across Las Vegas for the better
part of three days until a news helicopter
caught both Horseman and Sanchez at the
top of Caesar's Palace in their attempt to
eradicate the creatures. This footage resulted
in Horseman once again being in the
spotlight and becoming
famous yet again, which
in turn led to the closing
of all portals and the
disappearance of the
"Meseeks" and creatures
that entered through.
When brought in for
questioning, both Horseman and Sanchez
disappeared through yet another portal. The
only evidence left in the interrogation room
was an empty liquor bottle.
 
CRIME SOLVED BY MONSTER 
by Robert Pressman
Another murder in Hollywood’s Toontown,
but this time, ​Detective Pikachu is on the
case! In order to solve this case,
Detective Pikachu was forced to step into
the shoes of Detective Eddie Valiant,
most known for having solved Toontown’s
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infamous ​Who Framed Rodger Rabbit
case. This time a major figure in politics
in Ryme City was the murder victim. The
crime was similar in nature to those
Valiant solved. Eddie Valiant retired in
1988 at age 71 after more than 50 years
in both the LAPD as a detective; and later
as a private detective. Valiant is known for
successfully solving the 1947 Hollywood
Toontown murders of R.K. Maroon, head
of Maroon Cartoon Studios, businessman
Marvin Acme, owner of both ACME
Corporation and Toontown, and the
previously unsolved murder of his own
brother.
Roger Rabbit was accused of the murder
of Roger Clifford, the new head of Maroon
Cartoon Studios and the human
representative of Toontown. Mr. Clifford,
originally from Ryme City, Pokémon Land,
commuted between Ryme City and
Tinseltown. He had decided to serve both
Pokémon and Toons to make up for his
father’s villainy.
Roger Rabbit was seen leaving the office
of Roger Clifford, just before Clifford was
found dead by the cleaning crew. After an
exhaustive investigation by Detective
Pikachu, Benny, the toon taxicab, who
had been helpful to Eddie Valiant in the
past, has been charged with the murder.
It was found that he had run over Mr.
Clifford in his office because he thought
Mr. Clifford had plans to close down
Toontown near Hollywood and move it to
a suburb in Ryme City. However, that
was never Mr. Clifford’s intention. Mr.
Clifford left plans that show he wanted to
Mixed Up News of Las Vegas
start a Ryme City annex adjacent to
Hollywood to make new Pokémon movies
easier to create.
CAR 54 INCIDENT
by Troy Kieser
Officer Gunther Toody and officer Francis
Muldoon were found dead in their squad
car 54 in New Orleans. The investigating
officers Dwayne Pride and Christopher
LaSalle of NCIS: New Orleans crime unit
reported that officer Toody and Muldoon
never stood a chance. Eye witnesses
reported Toody and Muldoon looked
confused at the
automatic weapons
the suspects where
firing. One eye
witness reported
that Toody said
“What is an UZI”.
Toody and
Muldoon’s uniforms
appeared to be old
uniforms from 53
precinct Bronx New
York. LaSalle stated, “These uniforms
were worn by officers in the early 60’s in
Bronx, New York”. Officer Pride thought
that Toody and Muldoon were leaving a
costume party. The question that
bothered Pride is where did Toody and
Muldoon get the early 60’s police guns?
While Pride was looking over the car for
clues, he heard a call over the radio “Car
54, where are you?” Office Lasalle and
eye witnesses were surprised to see the
vintage model police car in downtown
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New Orleans. Pride and LaSalle will keep
the NCIS: New Orleans crime unit and
press informed of all breaks in the case.
House  M.D.  Diagnosis'  Gigantic  Rapper Post Malone to Release
Chicken, Foghorn Leghorn  Fragrance Line “Better Now”
by David Neary
Foghorn Leghorn, a man sized talking
chicken, has unrevealed shocking results
after being examined by world renowned
doctor, House M.D.
For the first time in his life, Foghorn
Leghorn sought out medical examination
after continuous and ongoing daily chest
pain. After seeing numerous specialists,
Foghorn still was left with more questions
than answers. After 13 months of dead
ends, Foghorn was sent off to New Jersey
where he was examined by House M.D.
at Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital.
To put it briefly, the unusual size of the
chicken is the consequence of a tumor on
the pituitary gland. A gland that regulates
growth hormone. The tumor on the
pituitary gland overstimulated the
production of insulin growth factor-1. The
overproduction of 1GF-1 explains the
gigantism of Mr. Foghorn Leghorn.
The ill-fated tumor that resides in the
cranium of Foghorn Leghorn has also led
to the growth of his interior organs. The
ongoing chest pain is the consequence of
an ever increasing growing of his heart.
After withstanding decades of uninhibited
growth, the outcome appears to be grim.
Heart failure will soon set in. House M.D.
Mixed Up News of Las Vegas
stated, "At this stage there is nothing
modern medicine can do for Mr. Foghorn
Leghorn."
by Mike Taack
NEW YORK,
NY - Seeking
to capitalize on
rumors of his
unsavory
smell--and
perhaps to
counter that narrative--the successful
young rapper, songwriter, and recording
artist known as Post Malone is branching
into a new business venture in the field of
fragrance. Ever the enigmatic public
figure, Malone was cagey when asked
about what motivated his decision to get
into the crowded field of designer cologne:
“I might wear skinny pants one day; I
might wear thrift shop pants the next day.”
According to his manager, Dre London,
what the artist means is that he can shift
styles and interests fluidly, thanks to his
creativity and passion. “Look, what Post
told me is that he really just wants to
capture the essence of what it is to be a
young, successful rapper at a time music
is a very competitive field,” London said.
“So he created a scent that he feels
represents the olfactory equivalent of hard
work and success.” Some industry
insiders who have gotten a sneak-sniff of
the scent in question say that the odor
misses the mark a bit. “Personally, I think
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that ‘Better Now’ smells like stale Hot
Cheetos and foot sweat,” remarked one
worker at Agilex Fragrances, the
cologne’s manufacturer. “Then again, I’m
probably not part of the target audience.”
Curious consumers can find out for
themselves whether the scent really is
better now when it debuts for limited
release at Target and selected Lee’s
Discount Liquors stores in Las Vegas this
fall (the rapper is a notoriously big fan of
the chain when he is in Sin City). The
scent is expected to be priced for retail at
$110.
“The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”
becomes the Fresh Prince of
Bikini Bottom?
by Angel Basilio
The Fresh Prince has just been reported
to be kicked out of Bel Air. Apparently his
uncle and aunt have had enough of his
“West Philadelphia mindset” and he has
reportedly been moved to Bikini Bottom
and moved in with Patrick Star. In a quote
from the starfish, where he says, “Leedle
leedle lee,” he expresses his emotions
about the new fish in town. The Fresh
Prince had moved here in order to get
away from his unaccepting family.
However, commotion has risen in the
town of Bikini Bottom from noise
complaints about the Fresh Prince. Local
citizen, Squidward Tentacles, called the
police late last night. We are able to
release the recording of the call. In the
call Squidward says, “Hello, is this the
Mixed Up News of Las Vegas
police? I, Squidward Tentacles,
unrecognized talent, want to report a
noise complaint on the so called ‘Fresh
Prince.’ All he does is sing this annoying
song about him being from West
Philadelphia, being born and raised and
chillin at this playground.” Squidward went
on to report how he is far more musically
talented than the rapper. What is next for
the Fresh Prince in Bikini Bottom? Stay
tuned for more on the story.
Today's Struggle: "The Modern
Crime"
by Melike Durmaz
“My name is Sherlock Holmes. It is my
business to know what other people don’t
know," said Sherlock as he entered the
crime scene. He asked to talk to the victim
and he approached Kim Kardashian, who
was soaked in water and weeping.
"Madam, can you explain what
happened?" he asked in a humble
manner. "My diamond earrings are lost!"
exclaimed Kim. "It was $80,000!" Sherlock
Holmes understood the importance of the
matter. “You know my methods, Watson,"
said Sherlock. He then asked him to jump
into the water where the earring had been
lost. As he looked at Watson struggling to
swim, he remembered the times when he
was asked to solve the hardest of
mysteries, murders, and robberies. "This
new generation," he sighed, "has the
weirdest of difficulties."
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