Academic Writing WORKSHOP—GLOBAL REVISION

Duke TIP eStudies Program Essay 2: Argument

Instructions​:
Click on “File/Make a copy” to save this worksheet to your TIP Google Drive. Before answering any of the
following questions, please read your classmate’s entire rough draft carefully. Then type your answers
directly into this document. The document will lengthen ask you type. Your work will be saved
automatically.

Take your time and answer each question thoroughly. Remember to offer the kind of thoughtful, constructive
feedback you’d like to receive yourself. When you are finished, return to the Canvas assignment (Argument
Essay Draft One) and submit your Doc link for the peer review portion.

Essay Writer J
​ anessa Montilla Reviser Z
​ ach Zeliff

1. What did you like best about the essay? Why?

Janessa, I really admired your use of sophisticated vocabulary which lead to well-put sentences. P.S. I even had
to search up the word bellicose.

INTRODUCTION:

2. In reading the introduction, can you tell which controversial issue the writer has chosen? (​Yes​ / No) If so, which
one?

Whether playing violent video games adversely affect children.

3. What is the writer’s t​ hesis statement/claim​?

“Based on my past experiences and the research that has been newly conducted, violence in video games most
definitely affects children in a negative way. It can lead to abnormal changes in behavior, as well as teach them
about violence and brutality at an extremely young age.”

4. How could the thesis statement be improved to more clearly and concisely state the writer’s overall stance on the
issue he/she has chosen?

The writer expresses her claim in the final two sentences of the first paragraph. These final two sentences
should be consolidated into a single sentence that forms a strong thesis statement. The thesis statement should
also track with the main points in each of the four body paragraphs by incorporating a quick reference to each of
the 4 arguments.

Additional comment: I noticed that you made 4 arguments (as represented by your 4 body paragraphs) about
the adverse effects of video games. If I may, I would suggest that you consider expanding your thesis to be
broader (don’t limit yourself to violent video games alone - especially since 2 of your 4 points seem to apply to
video games in general, whether violent or not). I could see the following 4 arguments about the adverse effects
of video games in general:
- Addiction (your 3rd body paragraph)
- Isolation from the rest of the world and detachment from reality (your 4th body paragraph)
- Many video games glamourize crimes and desensitize kids from what is unacceptable in today’s society
(so this could include not only violent video games but also things like Grand Theft Auto…).
- Violence argument (once informed by research, you can perfect this argument - whether it causes kids to
act belligerent, violent etc).

5. Is the thesis statement/claim the last sentence in the introduction and easily identifiable? (​Yes​ / No) It should be. If
it is not, remind the writer to fix this problem here.

As mentioned above, the claim is easily identifiable but must be consolidated into a strong thesis as
recommended above.

6. In your opinion, is the essay lacking any background information that would help readers grasp the writer’s topic
more quickly? (​Yes​ / No) Suggest something the writer could add to the introduction to make it more accessible for
readers who are unfamiliar with the topic.

The general topic that video games adversely affect children is evident but there really was not any link to show
the connection between violent video games causing kids to be violent in particular. The example provided at
the beginning of the essay gets the reader’s attention and seems to support the points made in the topic sentence
of the third and fourth body paragraphs but not necessarily the first and second (no information about her cousin
being belligerent or bellicose). One suggestion would be to consider switching the order of your points (which
argument(s) do you think are the strongest based on your research?)

BODY:

7. Are the body paragraphs organized in a l​ ogical order​? (Yes / No) If not, suggest how the writer could reorganize the
body paragraphs, so his or her ideas progress from one to the next more smoothly.

See the suggestion above regarding how the personal example does or does not tie into the body paragraphs and
suggestions on how things could be regrouped and reordered. Additionally, while the topic sentences in the first
and second body paragraphs are different, the paragraphs themselves sound somewhat repetitive. The same is
true for paragraphs three and four. I would recommend you consider consolidating the paragraphs (1+2 and
3+4). If not, use your research to really distinguish the different arguments so they don’t circle back to the same
points.

8. Does each body paragraph have a t​ opic sentence​ that introduces the paragraph’s main idea? (​Yes /​ No) Make a
note here about how the topic sentence could be added or improved.

Yes, but see recommendation above.

9. Does the writer provide adequate evidence to support each topic sentence​? (Yes / ​No​) Suggest where and how the
writer could add more examples or evidence.
Research would be very helpful to support the opinion that violent video games can lead to violence in real life.
An example of where this actually happened and/or statistics to support the argument would be persuasive.
Otherwise, it just appears to be a non sequitur fallacy.

Opposing View:

10. Where in the essay does the writer discuss the opposing viewpoint to his/her own? Are there ideas or points that
you think the writer should have addressed? Add some notes here about how the writer could improve his or her
coverage of the opposing viewpoint.

There was an extremely limited mention of the opposing argument (from a kid’s perspective) in the middle of
page three. This draft of the essay does not provide a fair or comprehensive discussion of the opposing
argument. I would recommend you consider addressing the opposing argument from a video game
manufacturer's perspective. For example, they may argue that “Call of Duty” simulates military service and may
cause children to want to join the military or law enforcement when they grow up. Additionally, manufacturer's
may also argue that online gaming actually encourages kids to socialize with a larger group of peers from
around the world while they are playing games online (where they are playing and speaking to other players via
headphones and mics). In fact, this may be viewed as a real advantage for kids who struggle socially or have a
limited number of peers and need to expand the pool of potential friends. I am not saying these are the more
persuasive than the point you raised, but still need to be addressed in order to accurately portray the opposing
point of view and lend credibility to your essay.

CONCLUSION:

11. Is the conclusion satisfying to you as a reader? Does it persuade you, the reader, to agree with the writer’s point of
view on the topic? Give the writer suggestions for strengthening his or her conclusion.

No, not really, but I am sure that the inclusion of research in the next draft will help to satisfy the reader.

Suggestions:

● You mention “bazarie changes in behavior” but I don't recall ever reading about this.
● You indicate children need serious guidance. What kind? For example, does the American Academy of
Pediatrics have guidelines/recommendations?
● The call to action at the end of the conclusion could be stronger (perhaps it can be informed by your
research). You may also want to make it clear who you are speaking to (is the audience parents,
educators, kids…?) With respect to the call to action, in an effort not to be like Justin, what specific
limitations on kids’ video gaming should be imposed (# of hours/day, types of games, etc. - who should
be doing what).

TITLE:

12. What is the t​ itle​ of the writer’s paper? A

​ rgumentative Essay

How could the writer make his or her title more interesting? Does the title accurately predict the content of the
essay? Make a suggestion about how the writer could strengthen his or her title.

Recommended title: “Will Violent Video Games be the Death of Us?” (you may need to change this is
you change the focus of your essay to be more general as recommended above)
P.S. You do have a few logical fallacies (which I am sure can be rectified in the second draft which will
incorporate your research)

● Begging the question - much of the paper seems to state conclusions without any real facts to support the
conclusions (not your fault because we were not allowed to do research).
● Oversimplification or non sequitur (your claim is that violent video games are addictive but video games
in general are addictive. You seem to argue that it is the hostility in the games that contributes to their
severe addictive qualities. I’m not sure this is true. For example, candy crush, cooking fever, Pokemon
Go, and Xbox sporting games are not violent but clearly still addictive nonetheless. I speak from
experience!).