How to overcome the fear of change, independance !!

Like always, on my TED talks I’ll talk about my experience in dealing with an issue like this.
So for those of you who do not know what I do for a living, I am a cook on a cruise ship, so, this
story is going to be a story of my first contract, and my first experience that far from home.
I’ve been living on my own before that, and been independent of my parents for a few years,
wich mentaly brought me a lot of confidance and security in myself, but each month, when I
have troubles getting to the end of the month with average salary I had, my mother would
jump in and buy me food, give me money, drop by, also, whenever I had mental problems,
there were always 2-3 of those very good friend that were always there. The ones that only
saying stuff to them makes you feel better. But I was thinking, I am not especialy tied to anyone
here, it would be easy for me to go 6 to 8 months away from home, I won’t miss my parents I
am not especialy close with them, who cares. It’s all going to be easy and ok. But oh boy was I
wrong. So, I went to the job interview, passed it all good, and they were asking me for an
amount of money that isn’t easily acquired here so I can go on my first contract, so, in order to
go, I had to loan money, so after that , there was no going back. So, my first contract was
starting from Carribean, and first 4 months of the contract, the ship stayed there. So, I cought a
few planes, and 23 hours later, I was in Jamaica, so far away from home, with an uneasy and
anxious feeling in my gut. At that point, half a world away from home, all alone, with 8 months
of having no idea what is waiting for me, woke up panic in me. Right then and there I regreted
ever wanting to go, once we got to the ship , they gave me the uniform, and threw me right
into the kitchen, with all foregin people, Jamaicans, Philipinos, Dominicans… All of them were
speaking loud, running, sweating , whatever I saw I had no idea how to do, since the only
experience I had was making pizzas. So, the anxiety rose… They assigned a man from Hondurass
to train and show me the work, unfortunately for me , he was a short tempered, not very well
English speaking guy, so whatever he told me, I had to ask him to repeat a few times, so every
time he needs to tell me something he would get mad, when I misunderstood, he would get
mad, and then the chef of the kitchen would shout at me, he would shout at me, and I would
get inside my brain further and completely lost myself, and couldn’t do the job propertly.. So
with each day, when I would finish with a 10 hour work day, I would go back to the cabin, and
look at the calendar, stressed, tired, scared, with no friends, and no parents, half a world away
from home, and I think to myself ‘’ Oh my god, 7 and a half months more, how will I ever get
trough this’’ Around a week from starting I had no pause, since you have no days off there, I
didn’t catch a brake or could think, so I broke, out of anxiety and fear, on the work pause, I
broke, and started crying, a grown man, was under so preassure that I was hating myself for
coming , so I went to the open deck, and we were in Costarica, and tough, I’ll loan money, and
buy a ticket home, I can’t do this, this is too much… And in spite of being so far away from
home, I took my phone and called my mother at home, told her what was happening wich was
a mistake since she’s highly paranoid woman, and she started ploting on how to get me back ,
what to do, but after we realized that I need to stay there at least a month so we can pay the
loans back, I decided to just endure it, no matter how bad it is, no matter how much preassure
there is. The call helped me, I heard a familiar voice ,felt less alone, but only for a few hours ,
before I came back to what I tought in that moment was hell.
Now, I’ll get back to my anxiety and what happened next, but before that , I need to describe a
person very important to the story. His name was Leiva, he was a 6 feet tall, big black guy from
Guatemala, with dreadlocks… But despite his physique , he gave of a feeling of a gentle giant ,
he was so gentle speaking and calm mannered man, reminded me much of the actor from
Green Mile. Leiva didn’t speak English so good, so the chefs and the other workers vere giving
him so much trouble, made fun of Leiva, made him work overtime, finishing the job he wasn’t
supposed to… But no matter how much hard they made it for him, he never cursed, seem
angry, he just srug it away and kept working. When we had time off after work, and when we
would go out, I would often go out with Leiva, and I remember, some street people, in Cuba,
Habana, locals scamming for money, they came to me and asked me if I am alone, probably
thinking of robbing me, but Leiva who was buying something nearby, said with his deep voice,
‘’No he is not’’ , I remember them changing the look on their face and moved along right away.
So, at the end of every shift, leiva needed a trolley , to bring the food for the breckfast, and so
he can finish the shift on time, and other workers, hid it on purpose, so he would have to search
for it, and lose time. So, I took it upon myself , every night, when I would find a trolley, I would
hide it in my fridge because I was working beside one, and gave it to him at the end of the day.
So, me and Leiva became good friends.
Now, back to the happenings. One day , there was a famous British person coming on the ship,
so in the kitchen , they told us that we can not make a mistake that day and that we need to
work best we can, as usual, anxiety hit me, but the whole staff was on edge, so it wasn’t making
it any easier, and I remember having troubles with cutting cucumbers , since my hands were
shaking, and the worker from Honduras was shouting at me to hurry up, I couldn’t stand it
anymore , I was ready to give up, I was ready to either brake down and fall into depression, or
get mad and curss all of them out and get expelled from the ship… In that moment, Leiva was
making a food delivery into that kitchen, and they started shouting at him, he forgot or didn’t
understand all the items he needed to bring, the chef was calling him dumb, incompetent,
stupid big guy, while others were laughing at him… Leiva understood it all, and he looked at me,
saw what state I am in, and how I am acting. And then in the middle of all that commotion,
Leiva started to laugh, loud, and since his voice was deep u could hear it more then everyone
else, everyone was confused, including me, why would he laugh at such a bad time in such high
preassure. I didn’t understand how someone locked in a volountary prison could not care that
much. And then leiva shouted. ‘’Stefaaaaan, what’s the matter my friend, what is the problem,
you work with your heart brother, when u work with your heart, nobady can take that away’’
After he said that to me, Leiva continued to laugh as he went out of the door. In that moment, I
remember not being able to stop tears, but not tears out of fear, or sadness , but the tears of
realization of his words, in that exact moment, I tought to myself. ‘’Yes , you are half of a world
away from home, and you are giving it your all, can they expel u from the ship because of that,
can they not pay you, nope, non of that is possible, so why not just let go and do exactly what
Leiva said, work with your heart, no matter how much work or how impactfull that work is’’ So ,
right there , in that moment, all the worries, all the fear, all the anxiety, it was gone, just like
that. I realized, that I am not a boy anymore, that I have myself to lean on, that I am a man
responsible for my own actions, my own fears, doubts, and that it’s all me and my mind,
problems and solutions for it. So, when nothing really bad can happen to me, aside being tired
and yelled at from ppl about who I don’t really care much. I was ready. I was ok, my hands
started shaking and I started working, twice as fast, twice as good. Not paying attention to any
offences, or harsh words of other people, I used them to learn and better myself, I used them
to get closer to people, to get to communicating, and all of the sudden, that kitchen that
seemed like hell, It wasn’t anymore, it was just a kitchen, where I can own and do my work,
best way I can, and when the work hours end, one day I get to go out in Cuba, the other
Colombia, the third Jamaica, and make memories of a lifetime. By myself, with myself, beliving,
in myself. And from that point on, it was only one possible direction for my work… Up , getting
better and better. I’ve written this before, in a shorter and a less descriptive version, and when
someone did read it, she told me, this is beautiful , we all need Leiva in our lifes. And I agree,
but not in the sense she meant it. You don’t really need anyone to tell you , that you can
succed, you don’t really need anyone to tell you he is proud of you, even tho it feels good…
Leiva can be a book, a song, an inspirational speech, this can be your Leiva… Most importantly,
you can be Leiva to yourself. So, be it , you can do it all, I am not religious, but one religious line
stuck with me, ‘’The kingdom of God, is within you’’ so only thing u need to do is, realize it, and
pardon my French, catch life by the cohones. Because any of you, is capable of that, and any
obsticles, and illusions of fear and anxiety is just your brain making you stronger, testing you, so
what are you going to do, give into it, or work, and live, with your heart ??

After 3 months, Leiva told me he is going home, in Guatemala, and that he will go to work in
United States and will bring his family, and the last day, of work, he told me to go with him, on
my work brake, so we went out, in the port, and we came up to a beautiful lady, who was in
traditional Guatemalan dancing chlotes, and he said, this is my wife, and introduced me to her
as a friend of his. And he spoke of how precious and good his kids are. He was so happy, like
always. It was a beautiful day. I forgot to add Leiva on facebook, I forgot to ask any contact of
him, we were too busy having fun. So after that day, Leiva left home, with his family and I never
saw him again. But what he has done for me, will always remind me of a happy giant from
Guatemala, and I will always be happy I got to meet him. And every time I think if I can or can
not do something, I think ‘’What would Leiva do ?’’ And the answer is always the same, he
would smile, and do the best he can. Because in life , that is all you can do!! As for me, I finished
the contract with good evaluation, and went home like another man, a man more sure in
himself, by no means perfect, but on a good track to being a better version of myself !! Now,
for you all that do not have or belive in inspiration like this, when u are faced with a tough
obstacle in life, think to yourself, what is the worst that can happen, and if it happens, can you
get trough it and try again, or get over it. If the answer is yes, wich usually is, then what are you
waiting for ??
Thank you for reading/listening , next one is going to be interesting !!