Page 1 The Office: The Staff Meeting

B R E AT H A N D L O O K S F L

S C E N E 2 . I N T. D AY -
TRAINING/MEETING ROOM.

( T H E S TA F F A R E S I T T I N G R O U N D C H AT T I N G A M O N G S T
T H E M S E LV E S A S D AV I D A N D G A R E T H E N T E R T H E R O O M
E N T H U S I A S T I C A L LY. )

D AV I D :
H i y a ! R i g h t . G o o d m o r n i n g e v e r y o n e . Yo u a l l g o t a c o f f e e o r w h a t e v e r ?
G o o d . G o o d . T h a n k s f o r c o m i n g i n a b i t e a r l i e r t o d a y. T h i s i s t h e f i r s t
o ff ici al s taff meetin g an d s o meth in g th at I ’d lik e to d o o n a r eg u lar
basis.

( L O O K S R O U N D F O R A P P R O VA L A N D J U S T G E T S B L A N K , T I R E D A N D
P I S S E D O F F FA C E S S TA R I N G B A C K ) .

Yo u k n o w t h e t r o u b l e w i t h u s i s t h a t w e c o m m u n i c a t e b u t w e d o n ’ t r e a l l y
communicate if you know what I mean?

( B L A N K FA C E S A G A I N )

We ’ v e g o t t o b e m o r e i n t e r a c t i v e y e a h ? A f t e r a l l , t h e r e ’ s n o ‘ I ’ i n t h e
word team is there?

( G L A N C E S R O U N D F O R N O D S O F A G R E E M E N T, I N S T E A D G E T S
QUIZZICAL LOOKS).
Listen,

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 2 The Office: The Staff Meeting

(POINTING TO HIMSELF)

David Brent may be the hands that tell the time to head office, yeah? But
you lot

( G E S T U R E S A S I F T O I N D I C AT E E V E R Y O N E )

are all parts of the mechanism that go towards telling that time yeah?
Yo u a l l h a v e a r o l e t o p l a y.

( W E S E E T I M ’ S FA C E E X P R E S S I N G A N A U S E O U S L O O K )

O K . Te l l y o u w h a t , l e t ’ s t r e a t t o d a y a s a n e x p e r i m e n t . A c h a n c e t o g e t a l l
our ducks in a row yeah? Create a better synergy?

TIM:

(LOOKING PERPLEXED)

Yo u O K ?

D AV I D :
Ye s I ’ m f i n e t h a n k s w h y ?

TIM
No, I was just wondering if you were planning on using cliches
throughout the meeting or just getting them all out at the start.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 3 The Office: The Staff Meeting

D AV I D :
I t ’ s c a l l e d m a n a g i n g t h e d y n a m i c s o f t h e w o r k p l a c e . W h e n y o u ’v e b e e n o n
t h e c o u r s e Ti m , f e e l f r e e t o c o m e b a c k a n d c r i t i c i s e , u n t i l t h e n , g i v e i t a
rest yeah? If you listen you may just learn something. OK, moving
s w i f t l y o n , l e t ’ s g e t s t a r t e d . We ’ l l t r y t o k e e p i t b r i e f , a l t h o u g h , a s y o u
know

( H I S FA C E L I G H T E N S AT T H E M E M O R Y )

I have just come back from the company conference in Amsterdam

( PA U S E S , G L A N C E S R O U N D WA I T I N G F O R C O M M E N T S , S M I L E S A
S O RT O F “ I ’ V E B E E N A N A U G H T Y B O Y ” S M I L E )

It was a bit of a ‘mind shower ’, the old grey matter took a bit of a
pounding – and I used my brain a bit as well! There are a few points to
get through – no, don’t go there

(HE NUDGES MALCOLM, LAUGHS AND GIVES THEM ALL ANOTHER

S M A R M Y “ G U E S S W H AT I ’ V E B E E N U P T O ” L O O K )

N o w, y o u ’ v e a l l g o t y o u r a g e n d a s

(HOLDS UP AGENDA)

M y r i g h t h a n d m a n G a r e t h w i l l b e t a k i n g t h e m i n u t e s . Yo u a r e r i g h t
handed aren’t you Gareth?

GARETH:

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 4 The Office: The Staff Meeting

(WHISPERING)

Yo u s a i d y o u w e r e g o i n g t o i n t r o d u c e m e a s A s s i s t a n t R e g i o n a l M a n a g e r .

D AV I D :

( U N D E R H I S B R E AT H ) )

A s s i s t a n t t o t h e R e g i o n a l M a n a g e r. I f o r g o t .

(THEN, OUT LOUD)

N o w, b e f o r e w e s t a r t h a s a n y o n e g o t a n y m o r e p o i n t s t h e y w a n t t o
include or any questions?

(MALCOLM RAISES HIS HAND)

Ye s M a l c o l m .

MALCOLM:
David. Can I just ask why these meetings have to be held at 8.30 when
we don’t start work until 9? Why can ’t they be after work or during
office hours? Down in the warehouse they have their meetings during the
day in company time. Why can ’t we, or maybe after work rather than
before. Some of us have long journeys?

D AV I D :

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 5 The Office: The Staff Meeting

I ’ l l t e l l y o u w h y. W i n d o w s o f o p p o r t u n i t y y e a h ? C u s t o m e r s y e a h ? I f t h e
phone rings at 10 o’clock and you ’re not there to answer it, what are they
g o i n g t o t h i n k . ‘ O h , M a l c o l m d o e s n ’t c a r e a b o u t m y b u s i n e s s . M a y b e I ’l l
t a k e m y b u s i n e s s s o m e w h e r e e l s e ’ . Ye a h ? A l s o , i f i t w a s a f t e r w o r k i t
w o u l d n e v e r h a p p e n w o u l d i t ? Yo u l o t

( G E S T U R E S T O WA R D S A C C O U N T S )

are out the door like shit off a s hovel come 5 o ’clock. A m I right?

( W I N K S . W E S E E M A L C O L M ’ S FA C E S TA R I N G D A G G E R S AT H I M )

Course I am. If we go the extra mile, if we have a game plan, we can

o n l y h a v e a w i n - w i n s i t u a t i o n . Yo u a l l w a n t t o b e w i n n e r s d o n ’ t y o u ?

( G L A N C E S A R O U N D , S E E S L O N G FA C E S ) )

Ye a h ? A l r i g h t y, l e t ’ s s t a r t . A m s t e r d a m .

(LOOKS SMARMY AGAIN)

T h e o f f i c i a l s t u f f ! We ’ l l c o m e o n t o t h e u n o f f i c i a l s t u f f l a t e r - y o u c a n
always twist my arm if you buy me a pint!

(WINKS AND NUDGES KAREN)

N o , s e r i o u s l y, w e d i d g e t s o m e w o r k d o n e ! T h e b o a r d a n d s e v e r a l o t h e r
k e y e m p l o y e e s i n t h e u p p e r e c h e l o n s , i n c l u d i n g y o u r s t r u l y,

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 6 The Office: The Staff Meeting

( C L E A R LY R E F E R R I N G T O N O T E S A N D R E A D I N G A P R E - P R E PA R E D
PHRASE)

took a helicopter view of the business and decided that the key objective
in Q4 is to introduce service level agreements for all our customers,
thereby ensuring we aggressively retain them as clients.

GARETH:
Chinook was it?

D AV I D :
What?

GARETH:
T h e h e l i c o p t e r, w as i t a C h i n o o k ? L i k e a b i g p e o p l e c a r r i e r h e l i c o p t e r,
n o t a t w o s e a t e r . A r m y u s e t h e m . A n d t h e N a v y. T h i n k t h e R A F m i g h t
too.

D AV I D :
N o , w e t o o k a h e l i c o p t e r v i e w o f t h e b u s i n e s s . We d i d n ’ t a c t u a l l y g o i n a
h e l i c o p t e r.

TIM:
(PUZZLED LOOK)

Come again?

D AV I D :
Which part don’t you understand? I ’ll read it again.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 7 The Office: The Staff Meeting

( R E F E R S T O H I S N O T E S A N D R E A D S O U T T H E S TAT E M E N T A G A I N ) )

‘we took a helicopter view of the business and decided that the key
objective in Q4 is to introduce service..

(TIM INTERRUPTS)

TIM:
Ye a h , I h e a r d i t , w e a l l h e a r d i t , b u t w h a t d o e s i t m e a n ? W h a t ’ s a
helicopter view? And Q4?

D AV I D :
T h e f o u r t h q u a r t e r o f t h e y e a r. H e l i c o p t e r v i e w i s a n o v e r v i e w o f t h e
business.

MALCOLM:
S o w h y n o t s a y ‘t h e f o u r t h q u a r t e r a n d a n o v e r v i e w t h e n ’?

D AV I D :

( A H U R T L O O K O N H I S FA C E )

L i s t e n , I ’ m j u s t t h e m e s s e n g e r. D o n ’t s h o o t m e . I f y o u w a n t t o s h o o t
a n y o n e , s h o o t y o u r m a t e t h e F i n a n c e D i r e c t o r. H e w r o t e t h i s , n o t m e .

TIM:
OK. Service level agreements then?

D AV I D :
What about them?

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 8 The Office: The Staff Meeting

TIM:
E x a c t l y. T h a t ’ s w h a t I ’ m a s k i n g . W h a t a r e t h e y ?

D AV I D :
Oh, right.

( H E I S S T I L L C L E A R LY R E A D I N G A P R E PA R E D S TAT E M E N T ) )

Ye s , e r , w e l l , t h e d a y s o f a f i r m h a n d s h a k e o v e r a p i n t o f b e e r a r e o v e r .
B u s i n e s s r e l a t i o n s h i p s h a v e m o v e d o n t o a h i g h e r p l a i n . We n e e d t o m o v e
w i t h t h e t i m e s y e a h ? P r o a c t i v e n o t r e a c t i v e . R e s u l t s d r i v e n . L e a n e r,
m e a n e r We . .

(GARETH BUTTS IN)

GARETH:
What about you and Finchy then?

D AV I D :
We l l t h a t ’ s d i f f e r e n t . We a r e o n a d i f f e r e n t p l a i n t o t h a t h i g h e r p l a i n .
We ’ r e m a t e s , m e a n d F i n c h y ( s m i l i n g , g l a n c e s r o u n d f o r a g r e e m e n t o n c e
more, doesn’t get any). Finchy isn ’t going to move his business
anywhere.

GARETH:
Who is then?

D AV I D :

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 9 The Office: The Staff Meeting

We l l t h a t ’ s t h e p o i n t . N o o n e i f w e a l l p u l l t o g e t h e r . N o ‘ I ’ i n t e a m ,
remember?

( P O I N T I N G B A C K WA R D S )

E a r l i e r ? W h e n I s a i d ? N o ? N e v e r m i n d . S o , a n y w a y, w h a t I ’ d l i k e i s f o r
all of you who are customer facing to go away and prepare a service
level agreement for each of your customers. So for example Gareth and
Ti m y o u m i g h t p u t d o w n t h a t y o u p r o m i s e t o a n s w e r t h e p h o n e i n t h r e e
r i n g s o r t o r e t u r n c a l l s w i t h i n 2 h o u r s s a y. .

(GARETH INTERRUPTS AGAIN)

GARETH:
Ye a h b u t I a l r e a d y d o t h a t .

D AV I D :
I was just painting a picture. It was just an example. But there you go
then, you’re halfway there aren ’t you? Just write it down and give it your
c u s t o m e r s . B u t r u n i t b y m e f i r s t y e a h ? J u s t i n c a s e . I t ’s a l e a r n i n g
opportunity yeah, not a problem.

TIM:
H a n g o n a m i n u t e . T h i s i s b o l l o c k s . I m e a n i f a c u s t o m e r t h i n k s G a r e t h ’s
a wanker

( G E S T U R E S T O WA R D S G A R E T H )

No offence Gareth

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 10 The Office: The Staff Meeting

GARETH:
None taken

TIM:
T h e n w h a t d i ff e r e n c e i s a b i t o f p a p e r s a y i n g G a r e t h i s n ’t g o i n g t o l e t t h e
phone ring, or that he’s going to be polite to them at all times make?

D AV I D :
A h ! Ye s , b u t l e t ’ s s a y t h a t t h e c u s t o m e r t h i n k s G a r e t h i s a w a n k e r w h e n
really he’s not.

TIM:

(CONFUSED)

What???

D AV I D :

( P O I N T I N G AT G A R E T H )

We l l , G a r e t h , t h e “ w a n - k e r “

( E M P H A S I S E S T H E W O R D ‘ WA N K E R ’ B Y M A K I N G S P E E C H M A R K S
W I T H H I S F I N G E R S A S H E S AY S I T. W E S E E G A R E T H L O O K I N G
EMBARRASSED)

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 11 The Office: The Staff Meeting

gives them a service level agreement with all these points on it, they
look at it and think,

( E X A G G E R AT E S T H E N E X T S TAT E M E N T ) )

‘Oh, maybe I misjudged him. Maybe if we ’d had an SLA in place before, I

might not have thought that he was a wanker’ yeah?

GARETH:

( U N C O N V I N C I N G LY )

I ’ m n o t a w a n k e r.

D AV I D :
Ye s , I k n o w t h a t , b u t d o y o u r c u s t o m e r s ?

( G A R E T H L O O K S AWAY I N T O S PA C E T H I N K I N G , B U T D O E S N ’ T
R E P LY )

Yo u s e e ? N o t s o s u r e a r e y o u ? S o , g e t a n S L A i n p l a c e , h e y p r e s t o .
P r o b l e m s o l v e d . J o b d o n e . N o w, i f I c a n h a v e t h o s e f r o m y o u b y t h e e n d
of this week?

TIM:
SLA?

D AV I D :
Ye s . S e r v i c e L e v e l A g r e e m e n t . S L A . T h e b o t t o m l i n e i s w e n e e d t o b e
more quality driven, more out there yeah?

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 12 The Office: The Staff Meeting

KEITH:
David. What should I put on mine?

D AV I D :
Yo u t e l l m e , y o u ’ r e t h e a c c o u n t a n t

(SMARMY SMILE, GLANCES ROUND FOR LAUGHS)

I d o n ’ t k n o w. T h a t y o u ’ l l p a y y o u r b i l l s o n t i m e ? T h a t y o u w o n ’t s e n d t h e
boys round with baseball bats to repossess their furniture if our
customers don’t pay?

KEITH:
Oh come on David, be serious.

D AV I D :
I told you, I ’m just the messenger yeah? I ’ve just spent 4 days in
Amsterdam being serious. No weekend for David Brent last weekend,
well apart from the Saturday night. No, I was out there, fighting your
c o r n e r . I f y o u ’ v e g o t a p r o b l e m , c a l l D o u g i n h e a d o f f i c e . Ta l k i t
t h r o u g h . T h e ‘ b i g m e c h a n i s m ’ y e a h ? H e ’ s a v a l u a b l e k n o w l e d g e b a s e . Ta p
into it.

(KEITH LOOKS BEMUSED).

TIM:
What does aggressively retaining clients mean?

D AV I D :

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 13 The Office: The Staff Meeting

What?

TIM:
Yo u s a i d s o m e t h i n g a b o u t a g g r e s s i v e l y r e t a i n i n g c l i e n t s ? D o e s t h a t m e a n
we’ve got to get them in a head lock or something? Go down their offices
and tie them to their chair?

D AV I D :
N o , d o n ’ t b e s i l l y. C o u r s e n o t . I t m e a n s w e j u s t h a v e t o p u t a f e w
processes into place to ensure that we continue to focus on our core
business.

TIM:
What???

D AV I D :
Look, just do your service level agreement. Let me put the ticks in
boxes, dot the i's & cross the t's OK? I’m on your side yeah? Oh and
before I forget, you two

( P O I N T S AT G A R E T H A N D T I M )

the dynamic duo, are getting new job titles and descriptions.

GARETH:
Oh? What’s all that about then?

D AV I D :

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 14 The Office: The Staff Meeting

We l l t h e r e ’ s g o i n g t o b e n o m o r e s a l e s e x e c u t i v e s . T h a t t i t l e i s o f f i c i a l l y
redundant. From now you’re going to be called relationship managers.

GARETH:
Wi l l I b e s e n i o r r e l a t i o n s h i p m a n a g e r ?

D AV I D :
We l l , a t p r e s e n t t h e r e a r e n o g r a d a t i o n s o f r e l a t i o n s h i p m a n a g e r .

GARETH:
But I’ll still be your number two will I?

TIM:
What’s the difference between a relationship manager and a Sales
Executive?

D AV I D :
I don ’t know yet. Give me a chance. I haven ’t had the job description and
the organigram back from head office yet.

TIM:
So why the change?

D AV I D :
We l l , i n e s s e n c e , w i t h a n y f o r w a r d l o o k i n g c o m p a n y t h a t w a n t s t o m o v e
o n w a r d s a n d u p w a r d s t h e r e h as t o b e c h a n g e d o e s n ’t t h e r e ? P e r s e , w e
were kicking around a few ideas in Amsterdam and came up with
R e l a t i o n s h i p M a n a g e r s . A c t u a l l y i t w a s m y i d e a b u t t h a t ’s n o t i m p o r t a n t .

TIM:

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 15 The Office: The Staff Meeting

But I don ’t s ee the point of that change, if it ’s jus t a job title.

D AV I D :
We l l I t h i n k I ’ d p r e f e r t o b e c a l l e d a m a n a g e r r a t h e r t h a n a n e x e c u t i v e
wouldn’t you?

(GIVES A SMARMY SMILE ONCE AGAIN, LOKS ROUND THE ROOM

FOR AGREEMENT)

Te l l y o u w h a t , l e t ’ s w a i t t i l w e g e t t h e j o b d e s c r i p t i o n s , c o v e r t h e w h o l e
idea in Bovril and see if the puppies, viv a vis, you and Gareth, will lick
it, yeah?

( T I M A N D G A R E T H L O O K M Y S T I F I E D . T H E R E I S A S L I G H T PA U S E )

GARETH:
Ye a h , w e l l I ’ m t h e s e n i o r p u p p y a n y w a y s .

D AV I D :
A l r i g h t y. M o v i n g s w i f t l y o n . T h e n e x t i t e m o n t h e a g e n d a i s C h r i s t m a s .
H o o r a y ! T h e p a r t y s e a s o n . We a l l l o v e a p a r t y e h ? O p p o r t u n i t y t o l e t
your hair down Malcolm?

( A NO T H E R SM A RM Y SM I L E . W E S E E M A L C O L M ’S E X P R E S S I ON L E S S
FA C E . H E I S N O T A M U S E D )

T h i s y e a r, o w i n g t o a s l i g h t d ow n t u r n i n p r o f i t s , t h e c o m p a n y h a s a g r e e d
to pay £10 towards each member of staff attending a Christmas function
of our own choosing.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 16 The Office: The Staff Meeting

( C O L L E C T I V E S I G H S A N D C R I E S O F “ W H AT ? T E N P O U N D S ? ’ )

Ye s I k n o w i t ’ s n o t a l o t , b u t I t e l l y o u w h a t . E v e r y t e n p o u n d s t h e y p u t
in, I’ll put in two out of my own pocket.

( H E PA U S E S F O R T H A N K S . N O N E C O M E S )

W h a t y o u l o t h a v e t o d e c i d e i s w h e r e a n d w h e n t o h a v e i t . S o , W h o ’s
going to be social secretary?

DONNA:
What’s a social secretary?

D AV I D :
The organiser? Decides where we ’re going? Collects the money? OK, so
any volunteers?

(GLANCES ROUND. NO ONE OFFERS)

N o o f f e r s ? C o m e o n , d o n ’ t b e s h y. N o ? O K , I ’ l l s t a r t b y n o m i n a t i n g
Gareth

( W E S E E G A R E T H S M I L I N G A N D G R O W I N G I N S TAT U R E AT H AV I N G
B E E N N O M I N AT E D )

TIM:
N o w a y. N o t G a r e t h . We ’ d e n d u p h a v i n g o u r p a r t y i n t h e N A A A F I o r
something.

GARETH:

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 17 The Office: The Staff Meeting

( C U R S O R Y G L A N C E AT T I M )

S t u p i d . A n y w a y, I ’ v e h a d s o m e v e r y g o o d p a r t i e s i n t h e N A A F I . I ’ v e s e e n
things that would make your hair curl at some of those parties.

TIM:
What, like getting your balls blackened with boot polish.

GARETH:
No. Clever clogs.

( PA U S E )

It wasn’t black, it was brown actually

(WE HEAR EMBARRASSED LAUGHTER. GARETH SLUMPS BACK

D O W N I N T O H I S S E AT A G A I N ) .

D AV I D :
S o d o y o u w a n t t o d o i t Ti m ?

TIM:
N o , b u t I n o m i n a t e D a w n . S h e ’ s a g o o d o r g a n i s e r.

D AW N :

( F L AT T E R E D . L O O K I N G T O WA R D S T I M )

T h a n k s Ti m .

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 18 The Office: The Staff Meeting

TIM:

(SMILING)

That’s alright.

D AV I D :
So, Dawn, will you do it?

D AW N :
What, on my own?

D AV I D :
D o n ’ t b e s i l l y, n o , n o t o n y o u r o w n .

D AW N :
We l l , w h o w i t h t h e n ?

D AV I D :
We l l a l r i g h t , o n y o u r o w n , b u t a f t e r w e ’ v e d e c i d e d w h e r e w e a r e g o i n g .

D AW N :
I thought you said the organiser decided where we are going?

D AV I D :
Ye s , b u t o n l y a f t e r t h e c o m m i t t e e h a v e v o t e d o n i t .

D AW N :

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 19 The Office: The Staff Meeting

What committee?

D AV I D :

(GESTURING AROUND THE ROOM)

Us lot!

D AW N :
O h , I ’ m c o n f u s e d n o w.

D AV I D :
I t ’ s q u i t e s i m p l e . Yo u o f f e r t o b e s o c i a l s e c r e t a r y, w e ’ l l h a v e a q u i c k c h a t
now about where we want to go and then you ’ll book it and collect the
money yes?

D AW N :
We l l w h y d i d n ’ t y o u s a y t h a t i n t h e f i r s t p l a c e ?

D AV I D :
I did.

D AW N :
No, you didn’t.

GARETH:
( F R A N T I C A L LY L O O K I N G B A C K T H R O U G H H I S M I N U T E S )

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 20 The Office: The Staff Meeting

No you didn’t say that. I ’ve got evidence. I ’d have written it down
otherwise.

D AV I D :
OK, well I’ve said it now yeah? Now can we discuss where we want to go
please? A few pointers to start. Should it be a lunch? Should it be after
work? Should it just be us or should we invite other departments?

MALCOLM:
We l l I d o n ’ t k n o w a b o u t o t h e r s , b u t I w o u l d p r e f e r a l u n c h t i m e m y s e l f

( G L A N C E S A R O U N D F O R M O R A L S U P P O RT, D O E S N ’ T G E T A N Y )

TIM:
B u t i f i t ’ s a l u n c h t i m e t h a t m e a n s w e ’l l b e s t u ff e d f o r t i m e w o u l d n ’t w e
and

( S A R C A S T I C A L LY )

what about our customers and the ringing phones?

D AV I D :
O K , l e t ’ s t a k e a r a i n c h e c k o n t h e l u n c h t i m e i d e a . I t h i n k a n e v e n i n g ’s
b e t t e r . I t ’ s b e t t e r f o r F i n c h y a n y w a y.

KAREN:
O h m a r v e l l o u s , y o u ’v e i n v i t e d F i n c h y e v e n t h o u g h w e h a v e n ’t d e c i d e d
when and where we are going?

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 21 The Office: The Staff Meeting

D AV I D :

( G L A N C I N G A R O U N D , S M I L I N G T H AT S M A R M Y S M I L E , L O O K I N G
F O R S Y M PAT H Y ) .

Yo u ’ v e g o t t o i n v i t e F i n c h y h a v e n ’ t y o u ? H e ’ s t h e l i f e a n d s o u l . Yo u c a n ’ t
h a v e a p a r t y w i t h o u t F i n c h y.

TIM:
So does that mean we’re all inviting partners then?

D AV I D :

(MOCK HORROR)

F i n c h y ’ s n o t m y b o y f r i e n d Ti m . I ’m n o t g a y

( S M I L E S A N D W I N K S AT K A R E N )

F i r m h a n d s h a k e s a n d p i n t s o f b e e r . T h a t ’ s m e a n d F i n c h y. N o t t h a t I ’ v e
g o t a n y t h i n g a g a i n s t g a y p e o p l e . B l o k e i n a p u b o n c e s a i d t o m e ‘ Yo u
know what would fit nicely into the small of your back – my stomach ’ I
c o u l d h a v e h i t h i m b u t I d i d n ’ t , I l a u g h e d w i t h h i m . Yo u ’ v e g o t b e P C
these days.

TIM:
We l l i f y o u ’ r e i n v i t i n g F i n c h y, t h e n c a n w e a l l b r i n g s o m e o n e ?

D AV I D :

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 22 The Office: The Staff Meeting

Like who?

TIM:
I don’t know yet. I haven ’t thought about it. I ’m just asking.

GARETH:

( M O C K I N G LY )

Ye a h , w h o k n o w s , y o u m i g h t g e t a g i r l f r i e n d b e f o r e C h r i s t m a s . I ’ l l w r i t e
down that you can bring her if you like. Make it official.

TIM:
H a r k a t M i s t e r L a d y k i l l e r. I n f a c t , c o m e t o t h i n k o f i t , y o u p r o b a b l y a r e
a l a d y k i l l e r. W h e r e d i d y o u b u r y t h e m ?

GARETH:
Ve r y f u n n y - n o t ! I g e t m y s h a r e .

D AV I D :
Come on, time’s moving on. So, we all agree then. An evening do.
Where?

KEITH:
How about that nice Italian wine bar opposite the cinema?

GARETH:
What? Italian? At Christmas? Oh yeah, very traditional.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 23 The Office: The Staff Meeting

KEITH:
OK, you think of somewhere”

GARETH:
Local pub. It’s cheap, it’s convenient and it ’s Britis h, jus t like Chris tmas
should be. If the company is chipping in a tenner I reckon we could get rat
arsed and it wouldn’t cost us much more than a fiver each tops. Four quid if
you include the bosses contribution.

JOAN:
P u b ’ s a r e t o o s m o k y. A n y w a y i t ’ s C h r i s t m a s . We c a n g o d o w n t h e p u b a n y
d a y o f t h e y e a r.

TIM:
Ye a h c o m e o n G a r e t h , u s e s o m e i m a g i n a t i o n .

( S A R C A S T I C A L LY, W H I L S T L O O K I N G AT D AV I D )

Think outside the box!

GARETH:
W h a t ? I t ’ s S l o u g h w e ’ r e t a l k i n g a b o u t h e r e r e m e m b e r.

(SCENE ENDS)

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 24 The Office: The Staff Meeting

S C E N E 3 . I N T. D AY -
TRAINING/MEETING ROOM

(WE REJOIN THE MEETING, STILL IN PROGRESS SOME MINUTES

L AT E R . T E M P E R S A R E G E T T I N G S L I G H T LY F R AY E D O V E R T H E
CHRISTMAS ARRANGEMENTS)

MALCOLM:
Wh at ab o u t th at p lace in th e H ig h S tr eet, wh at ’s it called ? Do es all s o r ts .
English, French?

D AV I D :
W h a t ? T h e r e ? Yo u ’ r e n o t s e r i o u s a r e y o u . M e a n d F i n c h y g o t c h u c k e d o u t o f
there last time for ogling the waitress?

TIM:
Chucked out for ogling?

D AV I D :

(SMARMY AGAIN)

Yo u h a v e n ’ t s e e n h o w F i n c h y o g l e s ! O n s e c o n d t h o u g h t s , y e s y o u h a v e !

( W I N K S A N D N O D S S U G G E S T I V E LY )

Now you know why we got chucked out then don ’t you?

( M O R E S M A R M A S H E G L A N C E S R O U N D T H E R O O M F O R A P P R O VA L )

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 25 The Office: The Staff Meeting

SANJ:
It doesn’t have to be in Slough. My wife and I went to a very nice place the
o t h e r n i g h t i n Ta p l o w , o u t n e a r M a i d e n h e a d .

ADRIAN:
Ta p l o w ? T h a t ’ s m i l e s a w a y. Yo u m a y c o m e f r o m r o u n d t h e r e , b u t I l i v e i n
We s t L o n d o n . I ’ m n o t t r a p s i n g a l l t h e w a y o v e r t o Ta p l o w t o s p e n d a n
evening with you lot.

CARL:
There’s this great restaurant just outside Slough. I go to a lot. Lovely
p l a c e . Ve r y r e a s o n a b l e . D o e s a l l s o r t s . I k n o w t h e M a n a g e r .

D AV I D :
What do you call reasonable?

CARL:
About fiteen pounds a head?

D AV I D :

(LAUGHING AND GLANCING ROUND AGAIN, LOOKING FOR OTHER TO

JOIN IN AS HE RIDICULES THE IDEA)

F i f t e e n q u i d ? T h e r e m u s t b e s o m e t h i n g w r o n g w i t h i t t h e n . T h e w a r ’s o v e r
y o u k n o w . E v e n o u t i n Ta p l o w !

CARL:
No, its..

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 26 The Office: The Staff Meeting

GARETH:
I k n o w. T h a t w i n e b a r w h e r e w e w e n t w i t h F i n c h y l a s t w e e k . W h a t ’s i t
called? I saw a board up saying they were doing bookings for Christmas.

D AV I D :
Ye a h ! F i n o ’ s . O o o h s o m e t o p t o t t y i n t h e r e .

TIM:

( R E S I G N E D LY )

T h e r e y o u g o . F i n o ’ s i t i s t h e n . Wo u l d F i n c h y l i k e t o b e s o c i a l s e c r e t a r y a s
well by any chance?

D AV I D :
O i , c h e e k y. T h a t ’ s a b i t b e l o w t h e b e l t . Yo u ’ r e q u i c k t o m o c k b u t I n o t i c e
you haven’t suggested a venue yet.

TIM:
Actually I was thinking of just putting my money in the kitty and buggering
off down the pub on the day to get pissed.

MALCOLM:
I know how you feel.

D AV I D :
O h c o m e o n , w h e r e ’ s y o u r t e a m s p i r i t . We ’ r e a t e a m r e m e m b e r ?

TIM:

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 27 The Office: The Staff Meeting

S o r r y, I ’ m a …

( E X A G G E R AT E S T H E E M P H A S I S )

… ‘ s e l f - s t a r t e r ’ . S e r i o u s l y, W h a t s p i r i t ? C o m e o n , g e t r e a l . N o o n e c a n a g r e e
w h e r e w e s h o u l d g o . We ’ l l j u s t e n d u p r o w i n g a n d g o i n g r o u n d i n c i r c l e s .
I t ’ s m e a n t t o b e C h r i s t m a s f o r G o d ’ s s a k e . A t i m e o f j o y, h a p p i n e s s a n d
peace to all men.

GARETH:
And women

D AV I D :
Point taken. OK Dawn, I ’ll tell you what we ’ll do. I ’ve got to move on or
I ’ l l m i s s m y 1 0 . 3 0 . Ta k e s u g g e s t i o n s f r o m e v e r y o n e a f t e r t h e m e e t i n g a n d
w e ’ l l r e v i s i t i t l a t e r. H a v e a s o r t o f s e c r e t b a l l o t . N o a r g u m e n t s . I n t h e
event of a tie the judge’s decision is final.

D AW N :
O K . I v o t e f o r. .

D AV I D :
N o , n o t n o w. C o l l e c t t h e s u g g e s t i o n s a n d w e ’l l v o t e n e x t w e e k . B u t k e e p m e
i n t h e l o o p a l r i g h t ? To p b a n a n a ! N o w , A n y o t h e r b u s i n e s s ?

MALCOLM:
Ye s , I h a v e a n o t h e r i t e m . T h e l i g h t s i n t h e m e n ’ s t o i l e t s . W h e n a r e t h e y
going to be fixed.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 28 The Office: The Staff Meeting

D AV I D :
M a l c o l m , I ’ v e t o l d y o u . I t ’ s t h e s a m e f o r e v e r y o n e . We a l l g o f o r a d u m p .
We l l a c t u a l l y I w a i t u n t i l I g e t h o m e . Yo u n e v e r k n o w w h a t y o u m i g h t
catch off the seat with you lot.

(SMARMY SMILE AND LAUGHTER)

Only kidding. I’ll look into it. Not the toilet, getting the lights fixed. 
A c t u a l l y, n o , f o r g e t t h a t . I ’ v e g o t a b e t t e r i d e a . C a l l J o h n o n t h i s
extension

( H A N D S M A L C O L M A S C R A P O F PA P E R W I T H A N U M B E R O N I T )

and tell him the Brentmeister says when are you going to fix those
****ing lights in the gents toilets, OK? It helps to have contacts.

(SMILES TO CAMERA, SCENE ENDS)

S C E N E 4 . I N T. D AY -
THE OFFICE.
STUDIO

( W E B R I E F LY S W I T C H T O A N E M P T Y O F F I C E W I T H T H E P H O N E S
R I N G I N G O N E V E RY D E S K A N D N O ONE THERE TO ANSWER THEM)

S C E N E 5 . I N T. D AY -
TRAINING/MEETING ROOM.
STUDIO

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 29 The Office: The Staff Meeting

( A S W E R E J O I N T H E M E E T I N G A G A I N , D AV I D B R E N T I S L O O K I N G AT
H I S WAT C H A N D G E T T I N G S L I G H T LY A G I TAT E D B U T T R Y I N G T O
P O R T R AY A B O S S I N C O N T R O L )

TIM:
How about getting some more plants in the office. I read somewhere that
plants help introduce oxygen into the environment. Oxygen stimulates
the brain. Therefore, we’d be more productive.

D AV I D :
O h g r e a t ! Te l l y o u w h a t . T i m e s a r e h a r d , p r o f i t s a r e d o w n . L e t ’ s g o o u t
and spend a fortune on some greenery shall we? Listen, I read somewhere
t h a t e a t i n g l o t s o f s p i n a c h m a k e s y o u s t r o n g , d o e s n ’t m e a n I ’v e g o t a
c u p b o a r d f u l l o f i t a t h o m e d o e s i t e h ? I d o n ’ t n e e d s p i n a c h a n y w a y. I ’ v e
always worked out anyway so I don ’t need building up in the muscle
department. Feel that Karen.

( D AV I D F L E X E S H I S A R M . K A R E N R E C O I L S )

I f y o u w a n t m o r e a i r, o p e n t h e w i n d o w.

ADRIAN:
Ta l k i n g o f a i r , w h e n i s s o m e t h i n g g o i n g t o b e d o n e a b o u t t h e a i r
conditioning? Some days it’s like a bloody fridge in here and the next its
boiling.

D AV I D :
O h c o m e o n , i t s n o t t h a t b a d . L o o k o n t h e b r i g h t s i d e . A t l e a s t w e d o n ’t
get a rainy season.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 30 The Office: The Staff Meeting

(MORE SMARMY LAUGHTER AND A WINK).

TIM:
E a s y f o r y o u t o s a y, y o u ’ v e g o t y o u r o w n o f f i c e , w h i l s t t h e r e s t o f u s
sweat or freeze.

D AV I D :
Listen I’ve sat in offices that are worse than our toilets in my time.
W h e n y o u ’ v e s p e n t q u i t e a s l o n g a s m e i n t h e p a p e r i n d u s t r y T i m o t h y,
then you’ll probably have your own office. And who knows, maybe a
flasher car than mine too.

GARETH:
That you pranged.

D AV I D :
I did not prang it. Some old biddy went into the back of it at the lights.
B y t h e w a y, I d o n ’ t m e a n o l d b i d d y i n a d e t r i m e n t a l w a y. M y m u m ’ s a n
o l d b i d d y, s o ’ s m y d a d . M a l c o l m w h e n y o u r o n t h e p h o n e t o J o h n t e l l h i m
I told him to pull his finger out and sort the aircon out as well, alright?

MALCOLM:
David, are you sure we wouldn ’t be better off going through the official
channels?

D AV I D :
I t h i n k y o u ’ l l f i n d I a m t h e o ff i c i a l c h a n n e l M a l c o l m , a n d y o u ’v e j u s t
b e e n t h r o u g h m e . W h o o p s , e a s y t i g e r ! Ta l k t o J o h n . H e ’ s a t o p b l o k e ,

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 31 The Office: The Staff Meeting

friend of Sammy in the warehouse, he ’ll get it sorted. Right, any other
business?

( D AV I D Q U I C K LY G L A N C E S R O U N D A N D I G N O R E S M A L C O L M A S H E
M A K E S A M O V E A S I F T O R A I S E A N O T H E R P O I N T B U T D AV I D
I G N O R E S H I M A N D C A R R I E S O N TA L K I N G )

N o ? A l r i g h t , m e e t i n g a d j o u r n e d . T h a n k s a l l f o r c o m i n g . L e t ’s g o d o i t
yeah? Shall we fix a date for the next..

( P E O P L E A R E O U T O F T H E I R S E AT S A N D S TA RT I N G T O F I LT E R AWAY
A S H E S P E A K S . H E G I V E S U P T R Y I N G T O F I X A N O T H E R D AT E )

D AV I D :
R i g h t G a r e t h , I ’v e g o t t o f l y o r I ’l l b e l a t e f o r m y 1 0 . 3 0 . I ’l l s e e y o u
l a t e r. D o n ’ t f o r g e t t o w r i t e t h e m i n u t e s u p a n d g i v e a c o p y t o K a r e n O K ?

GARETH:
Ye s s i r .

S C E N E 6 . I N T. D AY -
IN THE CORRIDOR AFTER THE MEETING.

( W E S E E P E O P L E WA L K I N G B A C K A L O N G A C O R R I D O R T O T H E I R
D E S K S A N D O V E R H E A R S N I P P E T S O F C O N V E R S AT I O N )

MALCOLM:

(TO A COLLEAGUE)

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 32 The Office: The Staff Meeting

I t ’ s n o t j u s t t h e l i g h t s . S o m e o f t h e t a p s a r e b r o k e n t o o . Yo u c a n h a r d l y
see in there. The other day I swear I trod in..

TIM:

( T O D AW N )

So what’s your forecast for Q4?

D AW N :
Eh?

TIM:
O h , n o t h i n g . Yo u ’ d t h i n k t h e y c o u l d a f f o r d a f e w m o r e p l a n t s w o u l d n ’ t
you. David Brent goes swanning off to Amsterdam for a long weekend.
What do we get?

SANJ:

(TO CARL)

I mean, I don’t think fifteen pounds is too cheap. And the food is very
good.

DONNA
Te n p o u n d s t h e y a r e p u t t i n g t o w a r d s C h r i s t m a s . Te n p o u n d s . T h e y t r e a t
us like dirt.

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 33 The Office: The Staff Meeting

S C E N E 7 . I N T. D AY -
THE OFFICE. GARETH’S DESK.

( G A R E T H I S G L A N C I N G AT H I S N O T E S A N D T Y P I N G T H E M U P O N
HIS PC)

G A R E T H :   

I thought it was a very fruitful meeting.  A number of issue were 

discussed and, as the official minute taker I will of course type up a full 

report and keep it on file. Company records. Just in case.

S C E N E 8 . I N T. D AY -
MALCOLM’S DESK

(MALCOLM HAS JUST DIALLED THE NUMBER ON THE SCRAP OF

PA P E R D AV I D G AV E H I M )

MALCOLM:
Hello, its Malcolm from admin here. I ’ve got a message from The
B r e n t m e i s t e r, h e s a y s w h e n a r e y o u g o i n g t o f i x t h o s e * * * * i n g l i g h t s i n
the gents toilet and whilst you ’re at it can you pull your finger out and
sort out the air conditioning.

MALCOLM:
I ’ m s o r r y ? We l l t h e r e ’ s n o n e e d f o r t h a t k i n d o f l a n g u a g e . L o o k J o h n ,
David Brent told me to call you, he said you would fix it.

( T H E R E ’ S A PA U S E W H I L S T T H E P E R S O N AT T H E O T H E R E N D
REPLIES)

John’s off sick? Who are you then?

( PA U S E )

A h ! O K , s o r r y t o b o t h e r y o u . Ye s I w i l l . N o , I ’ l l t e l l h i m . Ye s O K .

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 34 The Office: The Staff Meeting

( M A L C O L M P U T S T H E P H O N E D O W N A N D S H E E P I S H LY L O O K S AT
THE CAMERA)

MALCOLM:
John’s off sick.

(SCENE ENDS)

S C E N E 8 . E X T. D AY -
BACK OF A CAB

( W E A R E I N A C A B W I T H D AV I D B R E N T O N H I S WAY T O H I S N E X T
M E E T I N G . H E I S L E A N I N G B A C K I N T H E S E AT, H A N D S B E H I N D H I S
H E A D . S M U G , R E L A X E D , S E L F - C O N F I D E N T, B U T H E I S T R Y I N G T O
H AV E T W O C O N V E R S AT I O N S AT T H E S A M E T I M E A S H E G I V E S T H E
DRIVER DIRECTIONS)

D AV I D :
Ye a h , t h a t w e n t w e l l I t h o u g h t . We s h o u l d i n t e r f a c e m o r e o f t e n . L e f t a t
the lights mate. Cheers. If you don ’t, what happens? People get
demotivated that’s what. Oh sorry mate, did I say left? I meant right?
Quick, do a U turn and go round the roundabout again, then take a right
at those lights. If you don ’t take action, things get put on the
b a c k b u r n e r . We r u n a t i g h t s h i p h e r e , b u t a h a p p y o n e . C a l l m e J o l l y
Roger if you like. OK, which roundabout is this? Bloody Bracknell, eh?
All the roundabouts look the same! Ah! Straight on here mate, second on
t h e l e f t , t h e r e d b r i c k b u i l d i n g . W h e r e w a s I ? O h y e s , J o l l y R o g e r. N o ,
on second thoughts, he was a pirate wasn ’t he? Errol Flynn then, out of
o n e o f t h o s e o l d s w as h b u c k l i n g m o v i e s , y e a h t h a t ’l l d o ! H e h a d t h e e r,
b i g e r, a p p e n d a g e d i d n ’t h e ?

(SMUG SMILE TO CAMERA)

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence
 Page 35 The Office: The Staff Meeting

N o , s e r i o u s l y, s o m e o f m y t e a m c o m e a c r o s s a t t i m e s a s b e i n g a b i t
m i s e r a b l e , b u t i t ’ s j u s t a b i t o f b a n t e r r e a l l y, a b i t o f a n a c t . I ’ m l i k e a
f a t h e r t o t h e m - o r a b r o t h e r. A f a m i l y f i g u r e a n y w a y - a n d t h e y a r e l i k e
the attention seeking child. Management eh? They all resent my success
but who’d want my job? Only kidding. I love it. Love it. How much is
that mate?

CAB DRIVER:
That’s sixteen fifty please.

D AV I D :
Alright, here’s seventeen. I ’m running a bit late, give me a blank receipt
yeah? Cheers.

(TURNS TO C A M E R A A N D S M I L E S S H E E P I S H LY )

Yo u ’ r e n o t s t i l l f i l m i n g a r e y o u ?

THE END

© Alasdair D Murray 2002 – in confidence