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Ethnography: Divorce

By: Andrew Frank

Salt Lake Community College

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Introduction

The culture that I chose to observe and do my ethnography on was divorce. Divorce is a

legal termination of marriage by a court or one having the authority. It is more than a

separation. It is officially an ending agreement between two or more individuals. Some

marriages can be repaired. While other marriages are best if it ends in divorce. On the

American Psychological Association, they give ideas on how you can obtain a healthy

divorce without having your life sucked out. They even given advice on how to obtain a

healthy marriage through psychological tasks (American Psychological Association).

Author Scott Stanley in an article called Reasons People Give for Divorce. He says

there is a simpler way to phrase why marriages fail? He phrases it, what reasons do

people give for divorcing (Institute for Family Studies, 2017)? Divorces are becoming a

common theme in the United States. Almost about half of all marriages end in divorce or

some kind of separation. Researchers have determined that there are some factors that

put marriages at a higher risk of divorce (yourdivorcequestions.org). Divorce is a real

thing. It is all around us. There has been a divorce in my family. There has been

multiple divorces in my wife’s family. There even has been divorces among my friends

and coworkers. What I expect to find in this ethnography is the reason that lead people

to say I’m done, what happened in the past that is now affected the present? The

culture around divorce is sad. Especially when children are involved. That is the one

thing that I was not looking forward to. Plus the lengths that some people go through to

escalate problems after the divorce.

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Methods

The research took place at the Third District Court in West Jordan, UT. During lunch

and break time at work. Other locations have been my in laws’ house and my parents’

house. Also through text messages. The methods that I used in this Ethnography were:

fieldwork, direct observation, mapping, informal interviews, and formal interviews. I took

notes in my fieldwork notebook at the court hearings. I directly observed my brother in

law during is still ongoing divorce. I listened to the way he talked about the divorce and

watched the body language as well as. I had an informal interview with a coworker.

Interviewed both my brother and brother

in law. I even had a chance to observe

my wife’s Grandma talk about her

divorce with her husband, my wife’s

Grandpa. After all of the observations,

the total amount of time spent on this

ethnography was 14 hours.

Body
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Spirituality, Religion, and Shamanism

In Scott Stanley’s article, one of the reasons that he gives for the increase in divorce is

through religion. The research points out that couples who have separate religious

beliefs and values or no religious beliefs at all, tend to be a part of the increase in

divorce. My coworker whom we call Spencer. He and his wife got a divorce after 18

years of marriage. Between the two of them they have two kids. They belonged to the

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Towards the end of the marriage they

drifted apart religiously. My coworker stayed to the beliefs that he believes in. While his

wife questioned the validity of the Church and its teachings. They began to grow apart.

They avoided each other to the point where there was no more communication. The

only thing positive that they shared were their kids. They tried to stay strong for them.

They mutually decided that it would be best to divorce.

Marriage Practice

All the families that I observed were a nuclear family. There was a mom and a dad with

their children. Before my brother in law and his wife had their daughter. They were living

in a townhome. They were there for about 6 months before they couldn’t financial make

it. So they moved in with his wife’s Grandpa. My brother in law wasn’t for sure what he

wanted to do for a career. He bounced around for a while. Started to work and

eventually received his real estate license. His wife worked at a dental job. Even though

they lived at Grandpa’s house. They still economically struggled. They saw what money

they had and spent it on trips or out to eat. When the daughter was born. Everything on

stage seemed great. Little did everyone know that behind the stage their nuclear family
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was falling apart. Scott Stanley mentions that, “it takes two to tango”. One person

cannot do everything while the other sits off to the side. The other comment he

mentioned that rang truth was, “one person cannot make it happen without the other

person also being willing to invest and grow”. Poor choices were made by my brother in

law. From his lack of responsibility. His choices eventually trickled down to my wife and

I, which in return we took it out on our kids. Which is not fair to them. My wife and I said

it was enough. We decided to distance ourselves from his problems. His wife even saw

the problems, and decided that it was not safe for her any more. She had to think about

her wellbeing and her child’s wellbeing.

Political Organization

There are several things throughout my observations on divorce that reminded me of

politics. I saw and heard authority, coercion, cultural control, laws, power, social control,

and treaty. While experiencing my time at the Third District Court Building, observing

divorce court. I saw and heard forms of treaty. Before the session would begin for the

couple. The judge would ask has anything been resolved. Through mitigation, some

matters concerning the divorce would be resolved. For the items that were not resolved.

It was left to the judge to handle the proceedings. The judge would than finalize the rest

of the treaty and to those individuals it would become somewhat of a law. They would

have to abide by the terms of that treaty or law or they would lose privileges granted to

them by the court. This is because the judge has the power and the authority to give

and take away as he or she feels fit, which was granted them by our political system. I

mentioned in my field notes the unique way that I described Genocide in divorce. We
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know that Genocide is the elimination of human life due to one’s own personal dilemma.

For this unique way I want to take elimination out of it. In divorce court when innocent

kids are involved, it is an emotional process. For myself, just watching the divorce

courts, my brother, and brother in law. My heart goes out to those kids. Their lives will

never be the same. Two birthdays, multiple Christmas’s which until they are older won’t

be a bad thing. The constant traveling from house to house. Being away from friends.

All of this was caused by two individuals having personal dilemmas. My brother in law in

a weakened, emotional state when he said this, “Her life will never be the same. She’s

going to grow up confused”. After seven long months, he finally said the words, “I

screwed up”. Throughout his entire marriage, he exercised power and authority over his

wife, manipulated her, even coerced her. When he finally I screwed up. The only thing I

saw was its too late. Due to his actions. His life will never the same. Most importantly

his daughter’s life will never be the same. From looking at everything I have seen this

semester. I have seen individuals gain back their power to free themselves from the

power and authority of other people. I have seen individuals let less important matters

control their relationships.

Communication

Communication involves not just speaking but listening. From observation and from

sitting in the courtroom. People just speak. They don’t want to listen, they don’t want to

change a bad habit or two. With having an open communication, individuals can

express, their anger, conflicts, differences, happiness, goals, and humor. Through the

hard times in life and throughout a relationship. Challenges are going to arise. Each

family that I observed, had a challenge a problem that entered into their relationships
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with their spouses. I encountered that the younger generation, had a harder time

communicating when problems occurred. They were more frustrated and did more

arguing than discussing the actual problem. The one thing I did notice in all of the

nuclear families was gender related in communication. The male voice is the one being

heard. Exercising power and authority over the other. Eventually in a few cases it lead

to abuse.

Economic systems

In today’s society, the cost of living, is forcing both parents to work. An individual that

works in the middle class will only get you so far. From my observations, a lot of

conflicts have arisen because money. Couples that have less than moderate income,

are associated with the higher risk of divorce. As mentioned before on the

yourdivorcequestions.org website. Money causes a lot of problems in marriage. Some

people spend more than what they make. One of my experiences at the courtroom

observation was of a lady in her early to mid 30’s. She has two kids. Her husband is in

control of the money / finances. In order for her to receive any money to buy things for

herself or for the kids. She had to perform sexual favors to him. She finally had enough

of it and decided to stand up for herself and say no. Shortly after that she left and got

the house.

Gender

Throughout the world, even inside the United States. We have a society where men

control the system, not just politically but control it in the home as well. That is why we

are seeing a theme of women equality latley. Women don’t just cook and clean. They
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can run a business. They can be equal partners with their spouse in building a unified

family. One of the problems that I’ve seen is the image of women. Still today in our

society, women are sex figures, they are objects and are treated as such. My brother in

law is like that and the guy that had is wife perform sexual favors. Women don’t deserve

to be treated as such. Both individuals have viewed pornography, which problem got

them to the point of treating women like objects.

Conclusion

In conclusion, what I’ve come to suspect on working on this ethnography, is that

couples fall out love. It is the top reason why divorces happen. So, why do they fall out

love? Through my observations, couples go through the wants and the needs. Their

own personal wants out weigh the needs in the relationship with their significant other.

People may want drugs, alcohol, personal material items, pornography more than want

they truly need. Those wants control their life. They dictate when and want you do on a

daily basis. In the American Psychological Association they give advice on nine

psychological tasks for a happy marriage. 1) Separate your emotions from that your

parents family. Create your own identity and own emotion for your family. 2) Build unity

and intimacy with your partner. 3) Don’t let outside problems pull you away from a

healthy sex life. 4) For those with kids, embrace the role of parenthood, work together to

build the family. 5) Confront and master the problems that will arrive. 6) Maintain,

strengthen, and keep safe a happy marriage where there is open communication. 7)

Avoid isolation, use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective. 8) Nurture and

comfort each other. Support one another in their goals. 9) Keep love alive, keep falling

in love. This a wonderful list. A list where if these were the wants and the needs in every
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relationship. Divorces would be low. We would be spending our time, talents, energy on

that which is most important. I assume most people got married because they believed

in those facts. Just over time we forgot why we fell love? Why weren’t not still falling in

love? Difficulties can be resolved in every relationship. Like I said above about

Genocide. It’s sad to see and hear innocent young children, whom will never be the

same, because of two personal dilemmas. Every person on this Earth is different. No

two individual are exactly the same. We all have are weaknesses, as we all have our

own strengths. Through strengthening the weaknesses of our partner and using our

strengths to build our family. Marriages will be strong, children will be happy and safe.

Divorce will be a thing in the past. Next time I would like to take a variety of couples

from a religious background, ethnic background and compare it to this first one that I

did. My hope and ultimate desire is that I never get a divorce. This ethnography has

been depressing. It’s one thing to talk with others about divorce but to actually sit and

write about it in the field journal, write assignments, and reflect on it is another story.

References

Marriage & Divorce. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/

Stanley, S. (2017, April 10). Reasons People Give for Divorce. Retrieved from

https://ifstudies.org/blog/reasons-people-give-for-divorce

How Common is Divorce and What are the Reasons? (n.d.). Retrieved from

https://yourdivorcequestions.org/how-common-is-divorce/

Methods used

 fieldwork
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 direct observation

 participant observation

 mapping

 kinship diagrams

 informal interviews

 formal interviews