Handout Working With Problematic Parents ST Johns Primary School 1

St John’s Primary School
Working with Problematic Parents
Preferred Training Networks
WORKING WITH
PROBLEMATIC
PARENTS
PARTICIPANT GUIDE
Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 1


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Table of Contents
TABLE OF CONTENTS ........................................................................................................................................ 5
REACTIONS TO PROBLEMATIC PARENTS .......................................................................................................... 6
UNDERSTANDING BEHAVIOUR .................................................................................................................................... 7
VALUE SYSTEM ........................................................................................................................................................ 7
COMMON TYPES OF DIFFICULT BEHAVIOUR................................................................................................................. 10
FRAMING THE PROBLEM & HAVING CONTINGENCY PLANNING........................................................................................ 11
UNDERSTANDING THE ROOT CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM ................................................................................................... 12
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS ....................................................................................................................................... 16
KEY LISTENING SKILLS ..................................................................................................................................... 18
ACTIVE LISTENING .................................................................................................................................................. 18
ACTIVE LISTENING .................................................................................................................................................. 20
The 4 levels of active listening ....................................................................................................................... 20
COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES WHEN PARENTS TAKE OVER CONVERSATIONS ..................................................................... 26
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH PARENTS ........................................................................................................................ 28


Reactions to Problematic Parents

Understanding Behaviour
When it comes to problematic parents, it’s important to have a general understanding of
behaviour. We are often told that it’s important to separate the behaviour from the person,
and this can be very difficult when we associate the difficult behaviour with the person!
What are some of the difficult or problematic parent behaviours you have had to deal with in
your role?
In your experience, how do your parents “see a problem”?
How have you managed/not managed these problems and behaviours?
Value System
We make decisions based on our value system. Values drive our behaviour and perceptions. It
is important to remember that we all have different values based on a range of factors.
Disability, religious affiliation, gender, culture and generational nuances all play a part in how
we communicate with others.

The key to improved understanding of difficult behaviour is to ask yourself what is the function
or purpose of the behaviour being exhibited. Ultimately, behaviour is about striving to have
needs met, and therefore people behave in a way they believe will result in their needs being
met. The following questions can provide you with some insight into the drivers of the behaviour
and ultimately, how you might better handle the behaviour:
• What is the motivation for this behaviour?
• What is the need driving the behaviour? ( e.g. power, security, belonging, identity)
• What values are being communicated, that may cause this behaviour?
• What is the potential threat or loss that may have provoked this response?
• Why might people exhibit aggressive or passive aggressive behaviours?
• What limitations may be influencing this behaviour? (e.g. fear, loss, time, manners)

Activity: Determining the Behaviours of Problematic Parents
Behaviour Need Values Loss/Threat of Loss Limitations

Common Types of Difficult Behaviour

Expressive – the majority of people who become difficult, or verbally aggressive, do so as a
result of extreme irritation, which may be related to issues such as dissatisfaction, ongoing
grievances etc., with the people with whom they are trying to communicate.
Learned/Instrumental – many people have learned that aggressive or angry behaviour serves
a useful purpose and can lead to improved or more efficient service provision or action.
Random – for some people, behaviour can escalate more quickly due to psychological or
psychiatric reasons. While serious mental illness is NOT correlated with an increase in aggression
per se, many individuals experiencing conditions that involve organic brain dysfunction may
display impulsive or aggressive behaviour. Drug and alcohol use is also commonly associated
with aggressive behaviour.

Framing the Problem & Having Contingency Planning

When faced with a problem with a parent, it can be helpful to scope what is and is not possible
before attempting to solve it.
Current Problems
Current “Fixes”
Thinking outside of the square (what contingency plans do you have in place?)

Understanding the Root Cause of the Problem

Most problems that are faced by schools and parents are formed by expectations. The
following are some key points for effectively dealing with the expectations of parents and
schools from a report by the Australian Research Alliance for Children & Youth for the Family-
School and Community Partnerships Bureau (Dr Lance Emerson, Josh Fear, Dr Stacey Fox,
Emma Sanders):
• Schools clearly articulating their expectations of parents and regularly communicating

with parents about what children are learning, and suggesting what parents can do to
help
• Schools providing parent education with a view to parents helping their children better
meet learning standards
• Ongoing conversations between parents and teachers about the role of each in
learning
• Schools providing opportunities for parents to talk with school personnel about their role
in their children’s education through home visits, family nights, and well-planned parent
teacher conferences and school information nights (Redding et al. 2004).
Expectations are influenced by:
• Beliefs about appropriate and desirable child outcomes
• Beliefs about who is responsible for these outcomes
• Perceptions of what important group members (e.g. family, teachers, other parents)
expect from them as parents
• Parental behaviours related to those beliefs and expectations.
Parents decide to engage ‘when they understand that collaboration is part of their role as
parents, when they believe they can positively influence their child’s education and when they
perceive that the child and the school wish them to be involved’ (Hoover-Dempsey and
Sandler 2005).

What do you think is reasonable for parents to expect from the school?
How do you determine what is possible and what is not?
What do you expect from parents?

How do you communicate clear guidelines and responses to parents?
What changes may you need to make in order to be more effective?

Activity: Guidelines
In small groups examine a current guideline at the school which you find parents become
most problematic about. Unpack this guideline and determine the best way that you can
communicate outcomes to them. Write these on flip chart/whiteboard and share with the
group.

Transactional Analysis
Transactional Analysis is a theory which operates as each of the following:
a theory of personality
a model of communication
a study of repetitive patterns of behaviour.

Activity: Identify the kind of transactions in the following dialogues:
Description P-A-C? Alternative Reply

Teacher: Susan, could we please
organise a time to talk about little
Bobby?
Parent: Why? What is going on now?

Can’t you control him yet? We met last
week!
Teacher: Can we have a talk about

young Mary, as she has been hitting
her classmate again and it’s getting
out of hand.
Parent: Thanks for your email. I have

come in to clarify what is happening. I
am sure it is a miscommunication. Let’s
work it out.
Teacher: Good morning! How are

you? What a beautiful day.
Parent: What is so good about it? It’s

going to rain later and I have clothes
on the line that are going to get wet.
It’s not a great day.
Parent: Tommy cried last night and told

me that you yelled at him for not
knowing the answer. I am very angry
and upset that this would happen in
this school!
Teacher: That is incorrect. Tommy was

misbehaving, so I asked him to sit in the
corner in time out. I have to manage
the whole class and cannot have him
behaving like that.
Parent: I honestly don’t know why

Sophie is not reading at a higher level.
She is such a smart little girl. You are not
stretching her enough. That is your job!
Teacher: If Sophie stopped talking to

her friends, then perhaps her reading
would be improved!

Key Listening Skills

Active Listening
One reason listening is so important is that we do so much of it every day. According to
research, listening occupies about 80 percent of our waking hours. Studies confirm that good
listeners make good managers. Members of the Academy of Certified Administrative
Managers selected active listening as the most crucial management skill.
See how you score yourself on the test below. Don’t answer the questions too quickly. It is easy
to confuse what you know is right from what you actually do. This test has been compiled from
a great number of textbook questionnaires on the subject as well as discussions with key
spokespeople.
Yes No
1) Do you enjoy listening?
2) Is it easy for you to listen with interest to a large variety of

subjects?
3) Do your friends seek you out to discuss a problem or

decision when they need help?
4) Does your attention usually stray toward other groups or

people entering or leaving the room?
5) Do you interrupt?
6) Are you more apt to be thinking ahead to what you will

say next rather than weighing what you are being told?
7) Do you stop listening to everything when you strongly

disagree with the speaker on one point?
8) Do you assume or anticipate regarding the other

person’s views?
9) Do you feel you can judge most people quite quickly

before hearing them out?
10) Do you generalise (All those old people think… all

redheads…..all university kids….)?
11) Do you encourage others to elaborate or clarify points

you have misunderstood?
12) Do you listen to what is not said, such as the obvious

omission?
TOTALS:

Scoring
• Give yourself 2 points if you answered “yes” for question 1. You enjoy listening as much
as you enjoy talking.
• Give yourself 2 points if you answered “no” to questions 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.
• Give yourself 2 points if you answered “yes” to questions 2, 11, and 12.
Interpretation
• If your score is 20 or more, you're a skilled communicator. You have the ability to listen
to people, understand what they are saying, and communicate your understanding
back to them. Use your listening and communication skills to help others.
• If your score is between 10 and 18, you're within the average range. Use this quiz to
help you identify where you’re doing well and where you would like to do better.
• If your score is less than 10, it’s time to start learning! Use this quiz to help you set some
goals. Start with one or two things that you would like to improve on, such as
empathizing, paraphrasing, or asking good questions. Then, we’ll work on setting an
action plan, and you’ll be on the road to being a better listener, and a better
communicator.
Notes

Active Listening
Active Listening is a communication technique used in a range of business activities. It requires
the listener to fully concentrate, understand, respond and then remember what is being said.
It takes time and mastery to develop this skill as you are concentrating on what is being said
rather than just passively ‘hearing’ the message of the speaker. It involves listening with all
senses. The respondent needs to be ‘seen’ listening through a number of different methods.
These include:
• Maintaining eye contact

• Nodding and accentuating head movements
• Agreeing with a simple ‘yes’ (referred to as feedback)
The 4 levels of active listening
Attentive
Presence
Providing Active Clarifying &

Interpreting
Empathy
Listening Meaning
Acting
Generatively

1. Attentive Presence
It is true that people like to be heard. They often look for physical cues to indicate that you are
providing your full attention as indicated above. Some suggestions include:
✓ Do not point your feet to the door

✓ Open your posture – do not put your hands in your pocket
✓ Maintain eye contact
✓ Relax – be present but not overeager.
2. Clarifying & Interpreting Meaning
Active Listening is a key skill and can take some practise. Often people are distracted by other
thoughts or events during a conversation, or even formulating a response while they wait for
the speaker to finish. To effectively hear what is being conveyed, we must focus our attention
and ensure that our perceptions are accurate.
Paraphrasing is a technique that gives the speaker an opportunity to say ‘no, that is not what I
meant’, or ‘yes…’. Paraphrasing encourages people to talk and establishes that those involved
are talking and thinking about the same thing.
Some situations that may require paraphrasing are when:
• There is a lot of confused information to wade through

• A major point has been made which needs reinforcing
• There is underlying emotion that needs to be dealt with.
The main guidelines for paraphrasing are:
• Listen for the main message, not the details

• Restate the message concisely in your own words (do not add additional information)
• Seek confirmation or correction.
Activity: Listen effectively
Describe the characteristics of a frustrating scenario that you have to deal with.
With a partner, listen to each other for 1 minute each... The person listening may not talk at all,
other than affirming sounds (mm, uh-huh, oh, wow) as a response to encourage the speaker
and demonstrate interest.
Listen without expressing an opinion, giving a solution, asking a question, or making the story
about you.
How did it feel to listen without speaking? What were the challenges? Did you find yourself
wanting to engage in some non listening activities?

Activity: Paraphrasing
With the person next to you: one person makes a statement, then the other person paraphrases
it back.
Use the following statements if you can’t think of your own:
1. I don’t like it when people don’t believe me.

2. I would prefer not to learn how to do reflective listening.
3. I would really like to go on a break now, because this task is strange.
4. I can’t cope when people won’t listen properly.

Clarifying allows you to gain a clearer understanding of the person’s problems and issues. It is
crucial that you have the right information so that you can move the conversation to a
conclusion.
I. Probing - finding out more information

Could you please tell me what happened next?
Ok, so then what did you do?
II. Benefit - demonstrating a payoff or benefit

In order to assist you could you please give me some more detail about...
To ensure that we can respond appropriately can I please check that I have all the
right information?
III. Flagging – letting the person know what you will be doing or what will be happening
I will be taking some notes while you are talking
I may need to ask you a few questions as you are talking to make sure I have the right
information.
IV. Signposting – identify where the conversation has been and where it is going
So we have discussed your concerns and now I would like to talk about how we can
resolve these issues for you.
Activity: Clarifying
Practice in pairs. Examine a current situation where you needed to clarify information, reports
or paperwork in relation to a child at your school with their parents. Consider your tone, your
language and your body language. Critique each other.

3. Providing Empathy – Allowing Parents to air their grievances
The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously
experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past
or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully
communicated in an objectively explicit manner
- Merriam Webster Dictionary
You might want to show empathy when you want your listener to know that you know their
situation and show that you are sensitive to it. You can use empathy when you want to
acknowledge that someone is busy, has a different opinion from you, or feels particularly
strongly about an issue. Using empathy helps the other person to realise that you are not
dismissing them, and makes it more likely that he/she will recognise your position and respond
assertively.
For example
▪ ‘I appreciate that you find the student reports frustrating, Ms Suave; however, it’s the
online procedure that we use and you do need to access the information through the
portal.’
▪ ‘I know you’re busy at the moment, Jack and I’d like to make a quick request of you.’
▪ ‘I recognise that it is difficult to get a hold of some of the documents you need, and we
do need to sight those documents before we can proceed. I am happy to help you by
giving you more time and letting you know how other people in a similar situation have
been able to get a hold of their documents .’

4. Acting Generatively
Once you have listened and clarified, the next step, if appropriate, is to move into solutions
and action. Unfortunately, people tend to jump right into solution focus prematurely without
having listened or clarified, resulting in an ill-fitting and at times, inappropriate solution.
Some key points to consider when responding include:
• Use appropriate and positive language

• Be confident without being arrogant
• Seek agreement
• Be specific and articulate about what you can and can’t do
• Check for understanding regarding any next steps, returning phone calls, providing
information, escalation etc.
An important and useful skill when responding is reframing, which is an alternative way of
phrasing something that might otherwise have been inflammatory.
Activity: Reframing Statements
• Ask a question to reframe (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences
would you notice?”)
• Ask the other person to check for understanding (e.g. "Please tell me what you heard
me/them say")
• Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement
• Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.
Try reframing these statements...
“That must be wrong. We would never give out that sort of information.”
“It’s not our fault school fees have increased”

Communication Strategies when Parents take over conversations

1. Framing
To seek information from parents, a range of open and probing questions, as well as questions
that help set up hypothetical situations, are used. This method of communication is also called
"Framing":
• Can you be more specific about…...?

• What else do you have in mind?
• What are you prepared to consider?
• What would you be willing to offer if….?
• Could you explain more to me about….?
2. Reframe
• Ask a question to reframe (e.g. "If we succeed in resolving this problem, what differences
would you notice?”)
• Ask the other person to check for understanding (e.g. "Please tell me what you heard
me/them say")
• Request something she/he said to be re-stated more positively, or as an "I" statement
• Re-interpret an attack on the person as an attack on the issue.
3. Respond, don't react
• Manage your emotions

• Let some accusations, attacks, threats or ultimatums pass
• Make it possible for the other party to back down without feeling humiliated (e.g. by
identifying changed circumstances which could justify a changed position on the issue)

4. Re-focus on the issue
• Maintain the relationship and try to resolve the issue (e.g. "What's fair for both of us?")
• Summarise how far you've got
• Review common ground and agreement so far
• Focus on being partners solving the problem, not opponents
• Divide the issue into parts
• Address a less dissatisfied aspect when stuck
5. Interruption techniques
Interruption techniques are useful when dealing with dissatisfied parents. Interrupting is one way
to break a thought pattern, or change the dynamic of the conversation.
Some key interruption techniques include the following
• Clarification Interruption – ask a clarifying question
• Permission Interruption – ask if you can interrupt
• Patterned interruption – break the pattern by asking a completely different question
• Yes, and interruption – use “yes and....” rather than “yes but...”

Setting Boundaries with Parents

I Statements
When we are confronted by a problematic parent, we can easily find ourselves in an

escalating situation. The more we try to talk to them, the more difficult it tends to become. We
may not realise that we are saying inflammatory things or using words that the other person
experiences as attacking. It can therefore be helpful to have a guideline on how to express
ourselves.
I feel......
When.......
What I need/would like/would prefer is........
Activity
Please use the following table to complete your own example of an assertive statement:
I feel…
When…
And what I need/ would like/ would prefer…


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St John’s Primary School

Working with Problematic Parents

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Reactions to Problematic Parents

In your experience, how do your parents “see a problem”?

How have you managed/not managed these problems and behaviours?

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 7

• What is the motivation for this behaviour?

• Why might people exhibit aggressive or passive aggressive behaviours?

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 8

Activity: Determining the Behaviours of Problematic Parents

Behaviour Need Values Loss/Threat of Loss Limitations

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 9

Common Types of Difficult Behaviour

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 10

Framing the Problem & Having Contingency Planning

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 11

Understanding the Root Cause of the Problem

• Schools clearly articulating their expectations of parents and regularly communicating

Expectations are influenced by:

• Beliefs about appropriate and desirable child outcomes

• Beliefs about who is responsible for these outcomes

• Parental behaviours related to those beliefs and expectations.

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 12

How do you determine what is possible and what is not?

What do you expect from parents?

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 13

How do you communicate clear guidelines and responses to parents?

What changes may you need to make in order to be more effective?

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 14

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 15

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 16

Activity: Identify the kind of transactions in the following dialogues:

Description P-A-C? Alternative Reply

Parent: Why? What is going on now?

Teacher: Can we have a talk about

Parent: Thanks for your email. I have

Teacher: Good morning! How are

Parent: What is so good about it? It’s

Parent: Tommy cried last night and told

Teacher: That is incorrect. Tommy was

Parent: I honestly don’t know why

Teacher: If Sophie stopped talking to

Copyright © Preferred Training Networks 2019 | 17

Key Listening Skills

1) Do you enjoy listening?

2) Is it easy for you to listen with interest to a large variety of

3) Do your friends seek you out to discuss a problem or

4) Does your attention usually stray toward other groups or

6) Are you more apt to be thinking ahead to what you will

7) Do you stop listening to everything when you strongly

8) Do you assume or anticipate regarding the other

9) Do you feel you can judge most people quite quickly

10) Do you generalise (All those old people think… all

11) Do you encourage others to elaborate or clarify points

12) Do you listen to what is not said, such as the obvious