SLOGANS THAT MAKE SENSE IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

1. If NOTHING changes, NOTHING will change.

2. Do MORE of what WORKS and LESS of what DOESN’T.

3. FRUSTRATION results from unfulfilled EXPECTATIONS. (What was I expecting that

didn’t occur?)

4. REWARDED behavior continues.

5. Relationships cannot be FORCED but they can be FOSTERED.

6. Two keys to RESOLVING interpersonal conflict are;

a) If I am wrong I could APOLOGIZE; and if the other person is wrong I could
FORGIVE (LET GO). (RELEASE)

7. The MORE control we have from WITHIN, the LESS we need from WITHOUT. (AND
VICA VERSA)

8. The way of a FOOL is RIGHT in his own EYES. (Found in the Old Testament) (Even a
person who is “not” all there thinks he is always right)

9. Two phrases to avoid: “IF ONLY” and “WHAT IF?” (Depressive) (Anxiety producing)

10. No matter what anyone may SAY or DO to me, I am still a WORTHWHILE person.

11. CONNECT, then INFLUENCE.

TERMS AND DEFINITIONS

1. A female results from the absence of testosterone, NOT the presence of estrogen
2. Altruistic Love – An unselfish, giving kind of love provides for the needs of their
child.
3. Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) – A disorder characterized by an
abnormality on the X sex chromosome, typically passed down from mother; results in
prenatal development that differentiates as if no androgen at all was present.
4. Androgens – Testes produce androgens (testosterone) the masculinizing sex
hormones.
5. Androgynous – Cultures where there are no rigid gender roles guiding men and
women’s behavior.
6. Androgyny = possessing both masculine and feminine attitudes and traits which
could be physiological, behavioral, or psychological
7. Anxious/ambivalent attachment types – Insecurity, fearing partner’s love, cling to
their partner, pushing for commitment, often pushing them away.
8. Asexual – having no sexual attraction to either gender
9. Assisted Reproductive Technology (ART) – Treatments that involve fertilization
through the manipulation of the woman’s ova and male’s sperm.
10. Attachment Theory – John Bowlby’s theory describes enduring patterns of
interpersonal relationships from cradle to grave. Bowlby’s attachment theory posits
that it is from this close affection and emotional bond that children derive a sense of
security, a trusting sense that the world, and the interpersonal relationship we
encounter along the way, is a safe place to be. Mary Ainsworth and her associates
asserted that the attachment behaviors that take place throughout infancy, ultimately
direct, shape, and mod our personality. These behaviors significantly direct, shape,
and mod the interpersonal attachment relationship we experience later on as children,
adolescents, and adults.
11. Attained SES – This refers to the parents’ socioeconomic status.
12. Behavior-Based Conflict – Occurs when incompatibilities exist between the
demands of the work role and the demands of the family role
13. Behavioral Androgyny – Involves the blending of masculine and feminine traits at
the same time.
14. Bem Sex-Role Inventory (BSRI)/Personal Attributes Questionnaire (PAQ) – Two
early scales measuring specific self-schemas as they relate to the study of gender
(instrumental schema and expressive schema)
15. Bi-directional – In the contexts of family living, not only is the individual influenced
by the environment, but the environment is influenced by the individual.
16. Bi-Nuclear Family – The separate, distinct households that form after marital
separation or divorce.
17. Bill of Gender Rights – Asserts a person’s right to assume and freely express any
gender role and the right to make his or her body congruent with that gender role.
18. Bisexual = sexual desires can be toward either or both sexes
19. C factor – Part of Hill’s ABC-X Family Crisis Model, C factors are the meanings
families ascribe to the event
20. Case Study – Methodology that involves study of either a single person or a small
group of people
21. Cell differentiation – Begins when the zygote has divided into a ball of eight cells.
During this time cells begin to take on distinct, genetically determined traits and
forms.
22. Cell division – Simultaneous with cell duplication, the one-celled zygote divides first
into two cells, then four, then eight, and so on.
23. Cell duplication – When the sperm and ovum are joined, genetic information begins
to duplicate itself, ensuring the genetic blueprint from each parent is present in every
cell of the new baby.
24. Cenogamy – A form of marriage that is often referred to as a group marriage, every
man and woman is married to each other at the same time.
25. Child Language Brokering – Children in non-English speaking homes are called
upon to be mediators and to speak or read, since they are the first to learn English.
26. Childfree by Choice – Independent of social or physiological restrictions, choose to
have no children
27. Childless/childfree – Couples may consider themselves childless if they are unable
to conceive or bear children of their own, or adopt. Some couples remain childfree as
a deliberate choice.
28. Chronosystem – Reflects the changes that happen over time, accounting for the
collective historical precursors of current social attitudes (discrimination, definition of
marriage, etc.)
29. Circumplex Model of Marital and Family Systems – This model was created to
address family cohesion, adaptability, and communication, providing the means to
assess a family’s level of functioning and health.
30. Cohabitation – Living together as a married couple
31. Cohabitation Effects – The negative effects that cohabitation has on first marriages
such as lower marital satisfaction, higher divorce rates, lower levels or marital
happiness, and less satisfying sexual relationships.
32. Collectivist Cultures – Cultures that define their identity in terms of the relationship
individuals hold with others, which takes priority over individual needs, and group
membership is important.
33. Commitment – This can mean different things to different people. For many,
commitment is the until-death-do-us-part component of a couple’s relationship. It
speaks to relationship legetivity, stability, quality, and satisfaction.
34. Communication – The process of making and sharing meanings
35. Conception – Fertilization, germination, and implantation signifies that conception
has happened.
36. Confirming messages or responses – Types of communication characterized by
recognition of the other person, relevant dialogue, and acceptance; all of these show a
willingness to be involved in the relationship.
37. Companionate love – Deep, tender, mature, attachment.
38. Companionate relationship – Companionate grandparents enjoy warm, loving, and
nurturing relationships with their grandchildren, though they may be happy to send
them home when it is time.
39. Collectivist Cultures – Individuals define their identity in terms of the relationships
they hold with others, i.e. family name, or region they were born
40. Compardrazgo – A high level of interaction between Chicano nonfamily fictive kin
—the godparents of the children who essentially become co-parents to the children
41. Conceptualization – The process through which the researcher specifically denotes
or indicates all of the concepts under investigation.
42. Conflict resolution: the what, the who, the how
43. Conflict Theory – Similar to structural-functionalism, concentrates primarily on
social structures and their interrelationships.
44. Conjugal role – a culturally defined and assigned set of behaviors each marriage
partner is expected to carry out.
45. Constructive Conflict – Serves to build relationships and foster loyalty, commitment
and intimacy.
46. Consummate love – Considered by Sternberg to be total, whole, absolute, and all-
inclusive, consummate love combines all three elements of love – intimacy,
commitment, and passion.
47. Consummation – In the context of limerence, consummation means that the limerent
object has either reciprocated the limerence and the limerent feelings or that both
parties have developed a mutual, lasting love.
48. Contexts – Areas of individual and family development that play a role in the
relationship between people and their environments. Surround them from birth.
49. Control group – That portion of the sample which is treated the same as the
experimental group but is NOT exposed to the independent variable.
50. Curvilinear – Point of diminishing returns
51. Defense of Marriage Act – DOMA – Signed by Pres. Clinton in 1996, forbids
federal recognition of same-sex marriages (such as Medicare benefits, Social Security
benefits, and income tax benefits that are extended to married couples)
52. Desacralization of Marriage – the societal shift from marriage as a binding religious
union to a union of individual choice.
53. Destructive Conflict – Can be either overt, which refers to obvious conflict, or
covert, which is more subtle, but nonetheless hurtful.
54. Developing Family Potentials Focus – Pro9moting goals ranging from building on
family strengths to developing healthy, fulfilling, and responsible interpersonal
relationships, family life education aims to build upon positive aspects of family life
and the family’s potential to enhance personal life and family living.
55. Dual Career Couples – Couples in which both partners are employed in professional
or managerial positions.
56. Dual Earner Couples – Couples in which both spouses are actively engaged in the
workforce.
57. Emotional Attachment – at the core of all love relationships and it is characterized
by feelings that promote a sense of closeness, bonding with one another, and
connection.
58. Endogamy – Refers to marrying within one’s same group, such as Muslims marrying
Muslims, Catholics marrying Catholics, or Asians marrying Asians.
59. Ethnicity – Refers to a social construction that is used to identify groups of people
(commonly races) who share common cultural traits, such as religion, customs,
language, and dress,
60. Exogamy – A requirement to marry outside of a particular group. In the US, for
example, we cannot marry a sibling or, in some states, first cousin.
61. Experimental Design – A research method used to determine causal relationships
among variables. Changing parental roles
62. Experimental group – The portion of the sample which is exposed to the
independent variable.
63. Expressive Schema = feminine, interpersonal and relational orientation, Female Role
64. Expressive Roles – Described by Talcott Parsons, were given to the female as a
compliment to the male.
65. External Locus of Control - Refers to the perceptions that we cannot control what
happens in some aspects of our lives.
66. Familism – An extended family that consists of several generations.
67. Family definitions and labels: nuclear, procreations, etc.
68. Family Metacognition – The phase in marriage deterioration in which the spouses
begin to openly share with others the problems in their marriage and the possibility
that is may come to an end.
69. Family of Origin – The family into which we are born or brought into by adoption.
70. Family of Procreation – The family unit that is formed when we marry and produce
children.
71. Family Resiliency – A family’s ability to function effectively during times of
change, stress, adversity, crisis, and transition.
72. Family Stress – The result of an imbalance between the demands on event places on
a family, and that family’s ability or inability to meet them.
73. Family System – living, ever-changing, dynamic entity that consists of various
individuals and their interconnected, intergenerational patterns of interactions.
74. Family Systems Theory – Views families as a whole entity comprising
interconnected parts that seek to maintain balance.
75. Family theories: Social Exchange, Systems, Developmental, Learning. Ecological
76. Fatuous – A descriptive term referring to infatuation-based relationships.
77. Feminization of Poverty – this term reflects the economic impact of divorce on
mothers and their children, and the increasing numbers of unmarried women having
children.
78. Field Research – Observation research taking place in a natural setting, such as at the
family’s own home or the child at a playground, instead of at a clinic.
79. Fight or Flight – Because of our inborn “fight or flight” tendency, our normal state
of homeostasis (balance) in the mind and body becomes upset when exposed to stress
or stressors.
80. Filter Theory of Mate Selection – This theory suggests that individuals use a
filtering mechanism that helps them sort out a potential mate from the vast pool of
candidates.
81. Functional Communication – Addresses only the ins and outs of daily life, leaving
one of feeling as though something is lacking in one’s family connections.
82. Generativity – Aging adults’ sense that they are leaving something to and guiding
the next generation.
83. Gender = who we are, sum of our experiences, culturally defined
84. Gender Roles – The explicitly expressed and implicitly and implied behaviors,
feelings, attributes, and traits that society expects of the male or the female.
85. Gender identity = how we see ourselves, generally matches our biological sex
86. Gender Issues – Play significant role in legal and public policy (the right for gays to
legally marry, sexual harassment cases, and domestic violence statutes)
87. Gender Schemas = images and ideas of gender expectations
88. Gender Stereotypes = how society and culture expect us to behave
89. Gender words – transgender, transsexual, SRS (sex reassignment surgery),
transvestite, hermaphrodite, female pseudo-hermaphrodite, male pseudo-
hermaphrodite, homosexual, General questions dealing with family demographics
(very few numbers, poverty and marriage
90. General Systems Theory – GST – Constitutes a world view or a paradigm that keeps
at the forefront the notion that objects do not exist in isolation, but instead are
interconnected to parts of the larger whole.
91. Genogram - is a diagram of the nature of interfamilial relationships and can be of
significant value to a family therapist in understanding the current state of an
individual. (Murray Bowen 1974)
92. Ghetto Poor – Inner-city residents who are primarily African American or Hispanic
living below the poverty line.
93. Group Context – The couple’s social network of family, peers, and community.
94. Homogamy – Partnering with someone similar in ethnic and racial background,
religious upbringing, age, education level, political ideology, socioeconomic status,
and values and beliefs.
95. Hermaphrodite – is born with both male and female sex organs.
96. Heterogamous – These relationships involve couples who are dissimilar in one or
more dimensions, such as race, ethnic, and religious backgrounds, or dissimilar in
age, political ideology, socioeconomic status, and values and beliefs.
97. Heterogamy – Refers to partners who are different races, religions, or ethnicities.
98. Heterosexual – having erotic and amorous desired for people of the opposite gender.
99. Heterosexuality = sexual desires toward members of the opposite sex
100. Homan’s theory of relationship formation – Interactive theory
101. Homeostasis – Balance, seeking to establish normality
102. Homosexuality = sexual desires toward members of one’s own sex
103. Household – consists of all people who occupy a housing unit regardless of
relationship.
104. Hypothesis – A speculative statement about a variable or the relationship
between variables.
105. Hypothesis Testing – An integral part of the sequential research process, taking
place at a later point in the investigation. Based on evidence gathered, a researcher
can either reject a hypothesis or fail to reject it.
106. Ideal-actual gap – the gap or difference between what is perceived and what is
actual, as when a mother’s perception of the father’s degree of participation and
responsibility in the children’s emotional support and discipline differs markedly
from the father’s own perception.
107. Identity formation – Erikson firmly believed that in order to experience healthy
intimate relationships in later stages of adult development, individuals must first have
a strong sense of who they are (identity).
108. Immediate context – Factors influencing a couple’s interaction, such as the
physical setting, the couple’s mood, and the couple’s reason for talking.
109. Independent Couple – These couples value closeness, companionship, sharing,
and self-disclosure (although they do not disclose quite as much as traditional. They
are not as conventional in their beliefs as traditional.
110. Individualistic Cultures – Where individual goals are promoted over group
goals, people define their identity or sense of self in terms of personal attributes, such
as wealth, social status, education level, and marital status.
111. Infatuated Love – this type of love consists of passion only.
112. Infatuation – An intense, extravagant, and often short-lived passion for another
person often confused for love.
113. Instrumental Roles – An element of Parson’s functionalist theory, instrumental
roles were assigned to the male husband-father who, as the task=oriented mates, was
assigned responsibility for being primary breadwinner and protector against
imbalance or disequilibrium in the family.
114. Instrumental Schema – Patterns associated with masculinity and focus on
task=oriented behaviors and “getting the job done.”
115. Interaction cue – these cues allow us to assess whether we want to get to know a
person any better. As we interact, we gain a better idea of the extent to which we
may want to relate to a person.
116. Interdependent Relationships – Certain cultures, such as Latino and Asian,
value interdependent relationships, in which the opinions of family and close friends
figure importantly.
117. Intergenerational approach to family therapy – An approach seeking to
understand the transmission of relational behaviors from one generation to the next.
118. Intergenerational Family Theory – The theory that patterns of relational
functioning (including intimacy) are passed down from generation to generation.
119. Intergenerational ties – The relationships between family members across
multiple generation.
120. Intergenerational transmission – Research suggest that those who experience
the end of their parents’ marriages are more likely to divorce than those whose
parents do not divorce.
121. Intergroup Bias – The degree to =which people believe their sex is superior to
another sex.
122. Internal locus of control – Referring to the perception that we are, to a large
extent in control of our destiny.
123. Internalizing difficulties – Internalizing difficulties result in emotional problems
such as worry, feelings of unhappiness, anxiety, depression, distress, guilt, and poor
self-concept.
124. Interpersonal Scripts – Sexual scripts that recognize how different people
interact and relate to each other within specific social situations.
125. Inter-role conflict – When we take on (or have assigned to us) many roles
simultaneously, inter-role conflict occurs.
126. Intersexed = Hermaphrodite, both male and female parts
127. Intimacy – is reciprocal trust between the partners, emotional closeness, and
comfortable levels of self-disclosure in which partners can openly share their
thoughts and feelings.
128. Intrinsic Rewards – Rewards such as joy, satisfaction, contentment, pleasure,
gratification, etc., are the rewards of altruistic love.
129. Involved relationship – Some grandparents assume the role of parent as they are
involved in the everyday rearing of their grandchildren.
130. Klinefelter’s syndrome – A genetic disorder in which an extra X chromosome is
present, resulting in an XXY chromosomal pattern. This disorder is considered to be
one of the most common of all genetic abnormalities. While the internal reproductive
organs and external genitalia develop normally, male affect by Klinefelter’s
syndrome will have smaller-than-normal testes and will not produce sperm.
131. Knapp’s Relationship Escalation Model – Describes how relationships are
initially formed and how they progress over time; initiation, experiments/exploration,
intensification, integrating, and bonding/intimacy.
132. Late remarriage – It takes approximately six to ten (or more) years after the
remarriage for the family’s boundaries and roles to be restructured to the point where
there is a greater deal of “authenticity” in interactions and shared intimacy within the
family system.
133. Limerence – A form of infatuation similar to romantic love. While infatuation
carries with it the connotations of immaturity, limerence does not.
134. Literature Review – A search of the existing research studies related to a specific
topic of Inquiry.
135. Love Economic Model – Chau Vuong’s Love Economic Model is based upon the
primary assumptions that people are rational decision makers and as a result, is able
to tally up both the benefits and costs of falling in love and being in love. Vuong
further contends that “sex and commitment are the only differences between
friendship and love.”
136. Love maps – we carry a mental blueprint of the “ideal” love relationship, which
is shaped by our experiences with love in infancy and early childhood and by our
parents’ and primary caregivers’ attitudes toward love and sexuality.
137. Ludus/ludic lovers – this refers to love that is playful, flirtatious, carefree, and
casual. They don’t care as much about commitment as they do about playing the
sport of the game of love.
138. Macrosystem – recognizes that a society has a set of overarching cultural values
and beliefs that affect individual development by establishing either implicit or
explicit rules about what is or is not acceptable behavior.
139. Manic/manic lovers – Jealousy, envy, protectiveness, and exclusivity are the
hallmark traits of manic lovers. Manic love is frenzied, agitated, hectic, and chaotic
all at the same time.
140. Matching hypothesis – the premise that most of us want a socially desirable
person regardless of our own degree of social desirability.
141. Maternal gatekeeping – when women’s socialization – and inherent cultural
notion that she will always be the better parent – makes it difficult for her to
relinquish her traditional roles.
142. Meanings – in the context of family communication, the definition to which we
assign to verbal and nonverbal interactions.
143. Meaning-based coping – employing deliberate strategies to produce positive
emotion, such as arming oneself with information about no’s illness and treatment in
order to remain optimistic.
144. Mesosystem - this ecosystem shares all of the elements that are present in the
microsystem, but with a focus on the interaction between the various elements rather
than on the individual.
145. Membership knowledge – People’s understanding that their gender belongs to
one group or another.
146. Menogamism – the belief that monogamy is the only true, morally and socially
appropriate type of marriage or love relationship.
147. Monogamy – a dyadic (two person) form of marriage that involves the practice of
having one sexual partner.
148. Merger status – when intimate partners in a relationship experience an equal
balance of power, or merger.
149. Microsystem – The developmental context nearest the individual and
representing those interaction to which people are directly exposed. The elements
composing this ecosystem are the individuals, groups, and agencies that have the
ear4liest and most immediate influences on the individual.
150. Middle remarriage – during the middle remarriage stage of devilment, which
takes most families about three to five years to complete, the family becomes a more
cohesive system and functions less along strictly biological lines.
151. Miscegenation – the mixture of races, ethnicities, or religions that produce
children together.
152. Mixed couple – in this couple type, one spouse may have the expectations and
characteristic of a traditional couple whereas the other spouse may have expectation
typical of an individual couple type.
153. Need for affiliation – the universal and innate drive to have relationships in our
lives.
154. Mother furnishes the X, father furnishes either the X or the Y
155. Nature and Nurture – The ongoing debate between those people who feel the
influences of aging determined by nature (your inborn, hereditary characteristics such
 as genetic influence) or by nurture (your environmental, experiential, societal, and
cultural experiences across your lifespan.
156. Negotiation process – Both parties have to leave their original positions
157. Non-Exclusive Mothering – Chicano Mothering by other trusted individuals
through extensive family networks, such as grandmothers and aunts.
158. Nonlove – the absence of intimacy, commitment and passion. Nonlove may exist
in a relationship where physical, emotional, or sexual violence is present.
159. Non-normative influences – Uncommon, rare, or unanticipated events.
160. Non-normative life events – Unexpected life events, such as the death of a loved
one due to a terrorist attack or the loss of the family home because of a hurricane.
161. Non-probability sample – These non-random samples are used when the use of
probability samples is impossible.
162. Non-regulated couples – Have a difficult time bouncing back from arguments
and disputes because the manner in which they handle the conflict only compounds
the issues at hand.
163. Normative Events- anticipated events in individual and family life cycles, such
as birth of a baby, marriage, child going off to college.
164. Normative age-graded influences – developmental changes caused by biological,
psychological, and sociocultural forces.
165. Normative – Developmental tasks that most of us experience at relatively
predictable points in our lives and generally expected to occur.
166. Open boundaries – these are boundaries where the transfer of information is so
unobstructed that family member within the systems lose their identities.
167. Operational definition – A description of the concepts or constructs being
studied.
168. Pair Bond – A couple who is emotionally bonded to one another, which
characterizes the couple’s union.
169. Patriarchy – A family structure in which the male is dominant and is in charge of
most decision making in the family.
170. Pearson Correlation – Used to test the strength of the linear relationship between
given variables. (More he ate, the more the taste went down, curvilinear, also called
point of diminishing returns.)
171. Peer Marriages – Peer couples collaborate not only in their love relationships,
but in day-to-day household tasks, parenting, and managing family finances. Equity
and fairness are hallmarks of peer marriages.
172. Polyandry – the form of polygamy in which women have multiple husbands at
the same time.
173. Polygamy – The practice of having more than one marriage partner.
174. Polygyny – The form of polygamy or plural marriage that involves the practice of
a man having multiple wives at the same time.
175. Population sample – Individuals who have been selected, either randomly or not,
to participate in the study.
176. Possible biological mishaps; Turners, Kleinfelters, etc.
177. Pragma/pragma lovers – Practicality and logic guide the pragmatic lover. With
pragma love, the costs and benefits associated with love are carefully weighed and
considered before entering into a relationship.
178. Probability (random) sample – A sample in which each person has the same
likelihood of being selected for the study
179. Process – implies change and progression over time
180. Pseudo hermaphrodite Female – Female that has an XX chromosomal structure
and normal internal female reproductive organs, but masculinized external genitalia,
appearing more male than female.
181. Pseudo hermaphrodite Male – Have an XY chromosomal structure. Testes are
usually located within the pelvis and not outside the body, giving the appearance of
being a female, because there are no testes in a scrotal sac.
182. Relational Context – characteristics of the relationship and how the couple
defines it. Factors such as companionship, trust, commitment level, intimacy needs,
and type of conflict.
183. Regulated Couples – Use communication patterns and interpersonal behaviors
that promote closeness and intimacy, such as using more positive comments than
negative comments during times of tension.
184. Relational culture – A framework of understanding 0 a private, unique, distinct
language- that couples constructs in private.
185. Relative poverty – refers to having enough money for the essentials, but not
being able to maintain an average standard of living.
186. Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love – Described love as a developmental process that
unfolds over time, with four stages or processes; rapport, self-revelation, mutual
dependency, and personality need fulfillment. Similar to a rolling wheel, these stages
of love may be experienced many times, and in turn deepen the love bonds between
partners.
187. Religiosity – Outward expression
188. Remote relationship – are characterized by distant grandparent who has little or
no contact with grandchildren and is only involved on occasional holidays or
birthdays.
189. Research – To study thoroughly through the process of scholarly or scientific
inquiry.
190. Response bias – When using human beings as subjects, this is the risk whereby
subjects past and current experiences may affect their responses.
191. Response rate – The percentage of study subjects who respond to the survey.
192. Roles, expectations, conflict
193. Role – a key concept in Symbolic Interaction theory is that of role, or a “system
of meaning.”
194. Role conflict – refers to the contradictory demands of the various roles individual
must perform, such as parent versus employee.
195. Role overload – Occurs when spouses take on excessively demanding roles.
196. Role strain – Occurs when there are competing demands from multiple roles.
197. Rules – Communication rules govern what family members can and cannot
discuss or share and how they are to interact with their own family members.
198. Sandwich generation – term describing being in the middle of two generations-
parenting adolescent or younger children while at the same time caring for aging
parents.
199. Scientific method – the process by which researchers formulate questions
concerning social and individual phenomena and seek out answers.
200. Second shift – Sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s (1989) term for the burden of the
dual responsibilities of wage-earner and housekeeper.
201. Secure attachment types – secure adults, like securely attached infants, have
little difficulty seeking or maintaining closeness with another. They don’t fear being
abandoned or losing their partner.
202. Self-disclosure – Voluntarily sharing things with someone else that are personal
or private to us.
203. Self-revelation – When we feel comfortable in another person’s presence, we feel
more comfortable self-disclosing our personal hopes, dreams, fears, and goals. Self-
revelation refers to self-disclosure.
204. Separate couple – individual in this couple type are less willing to relinquish
their autonomy than those in traditional and independent couple types. They report
lower levels of self-disclosure and sharing, and as a result, experience psychological
distance. Separate couples do not share the levels of companionship as the other two
couple types, and they tend to share less positive feelings about their spouse and
about their relationship than the other couple types do.
205. Sex = what we are, male or female, our biologically defined
206. Sexual orientation = focus of romantic and erotic desires, also called “sexual
preference”
207. Sexual scripts – the shared, gender-specific social and cultural expectation that
guide our beliefs about sex, such as, our belief about appropriate sexual partners and
sexual behaviors.
208. Social ecology – the perspective that recognizes that individual family member’s
experiences, as well as outside social factors and policies, significantly affect the
quality and the nature of their relationships.
209. Social Exchange theory – centers on the exchange of peoples material or
symbolic resources, asserting that individuals act out of self-interest to capitalize on
the resources they possess.
210. Social Expectations model – Developed by psychologist Mary Levitt, this model
illustrates how spouses’ expectations of marital relationships are based on past
relationship interaction with the spouse. This model also takes into account the
influence of societal normal on spousal expectations.
211. Social Integration – is the innate need to belong to a social group. These needs
propel us to vent our worries, fears, and anxieties with others.
212. Social Learning Theory – Albert Bandura’s theory that children acquire
behaviors and personality traits by observing others. Reward and punishment and
realm of cognition, role of observation, and process of learning. Traits and behaviors
are not inborn – we learn them. We are born as blank slates. Through vicarious
experiences, we adopt or change our behaviors in response to our individual, unique
environments. Bandura’s research highlighted the role of cognition or observational
learning in the acquisition of gender.
213. Social phase – According to Duck, the public disclosure of a couple’s decision to
terminate the marriage, the announcement constitutes the social phase of the
relationship deterioration. Once they decide that the relationship will be terminated,
they then decide, either individually or jointly, how they will disclose the new of their
breakup to family and friends.
214. Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS) – a scale identifying associations
between life events and life transitions, and the impact of these events and transitions
on individual physical health and well-being.
215. Social science research – the examination of social and individual processes by
engaging in and using methods beyond logic, common sense, intuition, or reason
alone.
216. Socialization hypothesis – They hypothesis that because children of divorce have
less experience with successful marital roles they are less able to cope with their own
marital difficulties and are thus at greater risk for divorce.
217. Spillover – this occurs when the stressors of one environment, such as work,
affect other environments, such as home.
218. Spirituality – Inward Expression
219. Starter Marriages – Marriage that last less than five years and that end before
children are born to a couple.
220. Storge/Storgic lovers – Storge love is best described as friendship love, or a type
of affectionate love between companions. Storgic lovers typically come to love each
other over time, as opposed to the instantaneous type of love found with Eros lovers.
221. Substitute marriage – a long0term commitment between intimate partners that
does not involve legal marriage.
222. Survey – A process of gathering information through questioning the sample.
223. Symbolic Interaction theory – This approach to examining family life and
family communication assumes that human behavior is a continuous dialogue where
people watch the behaviors of people and then react to these behaviors.
224. System – to place together, or to connect one entity to another.
225. Testing relationship – a type of cohabiting relationship where both partners enter
the arrangement intending to marry eventually, but wanting first to “practice” being
married.
226. Time-based conflict – takes place when demands for the work domain and the
family domain vie for a parent’s time and attention.
227. Time Out – Does not mean end of communication or conversation.
228. Transactional Process – Simultaneously affect and are affected by our intimate
relatives
229. Transactional Model of Stress – According to this model, stress is the result of
an interaction between the person and his or her environment.
230. Transgender or transsexual = someone who lives as a gender opposite to his or
her biological sex, could lead to gender reassignment
231. Transvestite = cross dresser, one who dresses and acts in a manner of the
opposite sex
232. Trial marriage – living together to see what marriage would be like.
233. Triangular Theory of Love – Robert Sternberg’s theory conceptualizes eight
different types of love relationships take into account that each individual will
experience many types of love throughout their life course.
234. Trust Diagram – Risk, Reward, Trust
235. Turner’s syndrome – this occurs when one of the two X sex chromosomes is
completely or partially absent. Affecting only female infants, who are sometimes
referred to as “XO” babies (meaning and X and a zero or no other chromosome). The
individual does not develop ovaries and is consequently sterile.
236. Types of communication – Verbal and Non-Verbal
237. Types of marriages and partnerships – Cohabiters, civil unions, polygamy
(polyandry, ) homosexual, heterosexual
238. Urban Tribe – refers to mixed-gender circles of friends (typically in their
twenties or thirties) who are the primary social support system for singles.
239. Validity – Occurs when the results the researcher finds reflect the true meaning of
construct being considered.
240. Variable – A characteristic being measured in a study.
241. Wolffian and Mullerian – Reproductive duct systems in both male and female
embryo in the very early weeks of pregnancy, begins to differentiate between the 6th
and 12th weeks.
242. Working poor – refers to those people who are working, but who continue to
remain below the poverty threshold for their family size.
243. Working spouses
244. XO chromosome = Turner’s Syndrome, only females, not a fully developed
female
245. XX sex chromosome = female
246. XXY chromosome = Klinefelter’s Syndrome, only males, some female, not
enough male
247. XY sex chromosome = male
 248. Y Sex Chromosome – if present, gonadal tissue begins to form the testes in the
males and the testes produce androgens (masculinizing sex hormones), genitalia form
3rd month.
249. Y Sex Chromosome NOT present – The Wolffian system degenerates and the
Mullerian system differentiates into the female organs.
250. It is a greater compliment to be trusted than to be loved
251. Which is easier to do, which requires less energy or effort? To Love Someone
252. Trust grows out of Love, (Love first, then Trust)
253. If a marriage fails, which is the most likely cause? The lack of trust, because we
can no longer predict what is going to happen.
254. Love and Trust are NOT Synonymous

KEY CONCEPTS TO FAMILY SYSTEMS THEORY –

1. Interconnecting – interactions and interrelations
2. Looking at the whole
3. Establishing boundaries
4. Maintaining balance
5. The Circumplex Model – is a tool family therapists use to understand the
boundaries of families, to better understand the families’ health and level of
functioning.
6. Child language brokering – an informal social interaction where children are
asked to e go-between for their parents and an English speaking person
7. Symbolic Interaction Theory – human behavior is a continuous dialogue where
people watch the behaviors of people, then react to these behaviors.
8. Key Concepts: Conveyors and Interpreters of Meaning
9. Symbols – attempt to share meanings
10. Roles – “system of meanings”
11. Verbal Communication - Four fundamental verbal communication processes
12. Communication Effectiveness – requires us to convey messages accurately, send
messages with intended meaning.
13. Perceptual Accuracy – Being able to deliver messages so they are received in
the manner we intended.
14. Predictive Accuracy – Accurately anticipate how our words will affect another
person.
15. Interpersonal Cognitive Complexity – deals more with our ability to process
social information we receive from our environments, social perception skills.
16. Non-Verbal Communication - Use symbols and behaviors other than words to
express and exchange their thoughts, feelings, and information.

FAMILY DEVELOPMENT THEORY (Human Becoming’s)

 The family structure (individual and group) changes over time.
The challenge is the ability of the family to adjust to these changes in a productive
manner.
Some changes are Normative (predictable, normal, and usual)
The individual develops
The family unit develops
Individual roles develop, and change over time

CONFLICT THEORY

Conflict is expected, natural, and inevitable

Conflict is normal and expected in families and society.
Conflict is generally an issue of power & control.
Common elements of power include:
Size
Gender inequality
Strength
Money
Secrets (knowledge)

CONFLICT RESOLUTION IN FAMILIES OR WHEREVER

Operational Definition:

“When the needs, wants, wishes, and desires of one partner are in opposition to the needs,
wants, wishes, and desires of the other.”

Steps in Conflict Resolution

1. Recognize the conflict

2. Accept the conflict
3. Understand the conflict
4. Work through (resolve) the conflict
5. Methods for Resolving Conflict

From least effective to most effective for Conflict Resolution

1. Physically fight it out

2. Verbal arguments
3. Calling reinforcements and allies to assist you
4. Withdrawal and silence, avoidance of person and/or issue, refuse to engage
5. Deny the existence of the conflict
6. Give in to the other but without support
7. Give in to the other but with support
8. Compromise by taking turns
 9. Agree to disagree and live with the conflict
10. Cooperate, negotiate to create a win-win situation

Actions which could be taken for Conflict Resolution

1. Coexist (accommodate)
2. Capitulate (acquiesce)
3. Compromise (negotiate)
4. Collaborate (win-win)

Levels of Support for Conflict Resolution

6. I agree and will help.

7. I agree but can’t (won’t) help.
8. I disagree but won’t block.
9. I disagree and will try to block.

Foundation Statements for Conflict Resolution:

1. Conflict exists when the needs, wants, and expectations of one individual are in
opposition with the needs, wants, and expectations of the other.
2. Conflict means two ideas in opposition, not fighting
3. Conflicts can provide opportunities for person and relational growth.
4. Conflict and contention are not the same.
5. Conflict is inevitable, contention is avoidable.
6. Most conflicts can be satisfactorily resolved.
7. Conflicts surrounding values are the most difficult to resolve
8. Frustration results from unfulfilled expectations.
9. Mutual motivation and participation are critical if a conflict is to be effectively
resolved.
10. Something has to change or the conflict will continue.
11. If nothing changes, nothing will change.
12. Negotiation generally requires movement by both parties from their points of origin.
13. You Can live with conflict.

Personal Responsibility Questions:

1. What can I do to reduce the tension?

2. What could I have done to avert this conflict situation?
3. How have I contributed to the present situation?
4. What are my current motives toward this situation?
5. What are my present feelings toward my “opponent”?
6. What part of this situation is my responsibility?
7. What can I do to demonstrate support for my “opponent” right now?
 8. What did I do or say to leave the impression my “opponent” currently has?
9. How can I let my “opponent” know how much I cherish and appreciate our relationship?
10. Which is mine to do: apologize or forgive? If I’m wrong, “I apologize”, if you’re wrong,
“I forgive” (Release).

Basic Rules for Resolving Conflict through Communication:

1. Discuss to understand rather than argue to win.

2. Determine the issue and stick to it. ( no kitchen sink fighting)
3. Mutually determine the time and place for the discussion. (not the bedroom, you need to
be able to see the non-verbal communication)
4. Alternate making points with demonstrated understanding. (Mirroring)
5. Keep your voice levels down and hands under control, when hands are up, people
become defensive.
6. Call and allow time outs when needed. Determine time parameters in advance.
7. Avoid using red flag words or words which are not part of your usual vocabulary.
8. Avoid prolonged silence. “sticks and stones”
9. Avoid making assumptions about your partner’s feelings or motives.
10. If this is a marital conflict, avoid all direct or indirect threats of separation or divorce.
11. Don’t say “ex”, use “former”
12. Sarcasm leaves the receiver how to interpret the message.
13. Conflict resolution requires the effort of both.

SYMBOLIC INTERACTION THEORY

“MEANINGS” attached – Verbal/non-verbal symbols

People act towards one another on the basis of the meanings they perceive.
Emphasis is on the verbal and non-verbal symbols used to convey meaning.
Our thoughts impact our perceived meaning and the language we use to act.

SOCIAL EXCHANGE THEORY

Reward and punishment

Conflict shapes behavior
Parenting roles

EXPLANATION OF THE "TRUST DIAGRAM"

(Risk, Reward, Trust)
1. Definition of intimacy: (page 180)
"intimacy is reciprocal trust between the partners, emotional closeness, and
comfortable levels of self-disclosure in which partners can openly share their
thoughts and feelings."
2. Intimacy helps fulfill a psychological need:
Maslow's hierarchy of needs:
a. Biological and Physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sleep, etc.
 b. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.
c. Belongingness and Love needs - family, friends, affection, relationships, etc.
d. Esteem needs - self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status,
prestige, responsibility, etc.
e. Self-Actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking
personal growth and peak experiences
f. There are several types and areas of intimacy. (see list often and match pairs)
g. Progressive stages: Identity, autonomy, intimacy
h. Some possible correlates: Dependence, independence, interdependence

Male and Female differences relative to intimacy

1. Women talk together - men do things together
2. Women talk about relationships - men talk about achievement and status
3. Women believe physical intimacy results from emotional intimacy - men believe
that emotional intimacy results from physical intimacy
4. The need for intimacy differs from individual to individual and is on a continuum, from
isolation to enmeshed.
5. Our capacity to become intimate and enjoy it comes from two basic sources: family
environment and family experiences.

There are some basic fears connected w/ intimacy. Which of the following have you?
Experienced or are you currently experiencing?
1. Failure
2. Being vulnerable
3. Rejection
4. Being smothered
5. Having physical intimacy
6. Losing someone we love
7. Risking
8. Added responsibility
9. Experiencing anger and/or hostility
10. Abandonment
11. Being "found out"
Complete the "fill-in-the-blanks" handout on Self Disclosure.
Review the questions on the bottom of the "Types of Intimacy" handout.

SELF DISCLOSURE
1. Self-disclosure is the intentional sharing of personal information which is not
available to the partner from another source.
2. Not everyone is equally comfortable with disclosing themselves.
3. Intimacy represents a significant closeness between partners and can occur in several
areas of the relationship.
4. The level of intimacy in a relationship can come and go and may be perceived at
different levels by each partner at various times.
5. Relative to intimacy in relationships we should understand that there can be different
levels, at different times, with different people, under different circumstances, for
different reasons, and expressed in different ways.
6. It is important to recognize that satisfactory relationships establish and maintain
appropriate and acceptable balance between closeness and distance.
7. Can relationships become too intimate? Yes
8. How much of the past should potential spouses and partners disclose? What
guidelines would you suggest? If there is anything that affects me or our relationship.
9. True or False? Not all disclosures are of equal significance? Content and Timing can
make a major difference.
10. Disclosures which provide the greatest risk also contain the greatest rewards.
11. What are some risks and some rewards which accompany self-disclosure?
a. Potential risks
1) Rejection
2) Negative impression
3) Vulnerability – The more I know, the more control I have
4) loss of influence and/or credibility
5) might hurt others, what is my motive?
6) increased personal awareness
b. Common rewards
1) More honesty in relationships
2) opportunity for more authentic acceptance
3) increased understanding by the partner
4) sense of personal freedom
5) more positive trust because predictable
12. The three primary variables which impact self-disclosure are
a. Motive – What is my reason?
b. Level of trust in the relationship
 c. Balance of power in the relationship
d. Current status of the relationship
13. Three questions I would ask when receiving a disclosure of personal information:
a. Why are you telling me this?
b. What would you like me to do with what you are telling me?
c. What are you expecting me to do with this information?
d. Reciprocity – self disclosure is a reciprocal behavior

CHAPTER 6
COMPONENTS OF INTIMACY
1. Conflict Resolution – address how couples manage the inevitable conflict that occurs
within the relationship, and how they resolve differences of opinion.
2. Affection – How partners express affection and show feelings of emotional closeness in
an important aspect of intimacy and affect the degree to which partners self-disclose, and
the degree to which each reciprocates by sharing feelings.
3. Cohesion – Looks at the degree to which the marriage is valued, not only the level of
commitment, but each partners’ sense of the other’s level of commitment, it fosters trust.
4. Sexuality – Not only is it important that each partner is able to communicate sexual
needs, wants, and desires, but it is also important that each partner’s sexual needs, wants,
and desires are fulfilled by the marriage. Most intense togetherness a couple can
experience.
5. Identity – Maintaining partner’s individual identities is another aspect of intimacy that is
important in order for both partners to be self-confident and have a high level of self-
esteem.
6. Compatibility – speaks to how partners relate to each other, work together and play
together.
7. Expressiveness – The degree to which partners allow each other to know their most
personal thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are strong indicators of intimacy.
8. Autonomy – Independence from a person’s family of origin provides the emotional
freedom a person needs to develop, nurture, and sustain intimacy with a partner.

TYPES OF INTIMATES

Based on Erikson’s classic theory intimacy development in young adulthood, Jacob Orlofsky and
his colleagues (1973) developed specific types of intimates.

1. Intimate 0 capable of experiencing closeness, forming an emotional attachment to

another, and committed.
2. Pseudo intimate – Appears to be intimate on the surface, lacks depth. May never progress
beyond friendship.
 3. Preintimates – Capable of intimacy, may even desire it, but lack the ability to make the
commitment necessary to sustain long-term relationships.
4. Stereotyped Relationships – Those in which an individual has any number of casual
relationship; however, these relationship are devoid of depth and commitment.
5. Isolates – People who are socially withdrawn and have no apparent need for either social
or close interpersonal interactions.

RE: COMMENTARY ON CHAPTER 7: LOVE AND LOVING

1. Our personal definition of “love” and its ramifications depends largely on our culture.
2. Collectivist cultures = the community comes before the individual. (Nomothetic)
3. Individualistic cultures = the individual comes before the community. (Idiosyncratic)
4. The combination, “love and romance”, has been part of our lengthy history in one form
or another.
5. Many view love as a noun or something you feel. (see your instructor’s song lyrics)
6. Others view love as a verb or something you do.
7. It is very important, almost critical at times, to understand the relationship between
“Love” and “Trust.” (see handout challenge)
8. Infatuation is often mistaken for love, most times with dire consequences. Limerence is a
form of infatuation with the possibility of ending in love if it is reciprocated and given
time to grow. (see handout on “genuine vs. imitation” love)

STERNBERG
Combines three elements in his Triangular Theory of Love.
1. Passion
2. Intimacy
3. Commitment
The absence or imbalance of any of the elements results in a less-than-adequate love
relationship.
The presence and balance of all three results in “consummate love”, a worthy goal.
The ability to love and to accept love is NOT inherited, but is nurtured from our first
experiences with love – generally in our family of origin. Some individual never completely
outgrow any negative love experiences.
A Genogram is a diagram of the nature of interfamilial relationships and can be of significant
value to a family therapist in understanding the current state of an individual.

ALAN LEE HAS IDENTIFIED SIX TYPES OF LOVE STYLES:

1. Eros = sensual or sexual love. (SEX)
2. Ludus = playful, fun, easygoing, uncommitted.(FUN)
3. Storge = strong friendship ties, an affectionate love, over time.(FRIENDSHIP)
 4. Manic = highs and lows, a roller coaster of emotions, often all consuming. (UP AND
DOWN)
5. Pragma = more pragmatic than romantic, logical, more of an Exchange Theory type
relationship.(LOGICAL)
6. Agape = an other-centered love, selfless and enduring.(CHARITY)

IRA REISS PROPOSES A WHEEL THEORY OF LOVE,

Which suggests there are four interacting elements, which grow as the relationship continues in
a positive direction?
These four elements are: (Note: the wheel could roll backwards which would diminish the love
relationship)
 Rapport – Connection or bond we feel toward another person
 Self-revelation – When we feel comfortable in another person’s presence, we feel more
comfortable self-disclosing our personal hopes, dreams, fears, and goals.
 Mutual dependency – As a couple self-discloses, the intimacy levels deepen in their
relationship.
 Personality need fulfillment – an established pattern of mutual exchanges of support,
sympathy, and decision making.

KAREN PRAGER (1999) INTIMACY IS MULTICONTEXTUAL

There are five different levels of intimacy contexts. Intimate interaction can occur
between aspects of each context as well as among all other contexts.
1. Immediate
a. This is the very center, and refers to factors that influence the couple’s
interaction, such as the physical setting (quiet, private, and free of
interruptions), the couple’s mood during the intimate interaction, and the
couple’s reason for talking.
2. Personal
a. This includes factors specific to each person, such as personality traits,
attitudes and beliefs about the overall status of the relationship; emotional
reactions to intimacy; willingness to self-disclose; and each partner’s intimacy
needs, goals, and motives.
3. Relational
a. This context refers to characteristics of the relationship and how the couples
define it. Factors such as companionship, trust, level of commitment, each
partner’s intimacy needs, and the presence of or type of conflict are all part of
the relational context.
4. Group
a. Includes the couple’s social network, including reach partner’s family, peers,
neighborhood, and the community in which they live.
5. Sociocultural
 a. This is the over-arching umbrella that contains such factors as the norms,
beliefs, and ideals of the culture and subcultures in which they live and relate.
This shapes their expectations about intimacy.

GEORGE HOMAN’S THEORY W/ HANDOUT

The slogan: “Rewarded behavior continues” relates very well to the concept of love and
loving.
THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS

Dr. Beckert things that effective communication is fairly simple, not easy, but simple. ONE
CANNOT COMMUNICATE NOT COMMUNICATE!!!! Whatever we say, do, we are
communicating. Whatever we say or not say: do or not do communicate something.

Communication is a transaction, is a process, involves co-construction of meanings, and involves

symbols.
RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION (Power Point Presentation Notes)
One cannot NOT communicate!
Whatever we say or not say; do or not do communicates something.

Two types of communication

1. Verbal
2. Non verbal
 Voice
 Body
 Emotions
3. Silence is a very powerful communicator and generally not very productive
4. “Sticks and stones can break the bones when thrown with angry art. Words can sting like
anything, but silence breaks the heart.”

Critical Elements to consider for effective Communication

1. CONTENT = What do I want to say?
2. METHOD = How do I intend to say it?
3. MOTIVE = Why do I want to say it?
4. IMPACT = What possible effect might this message have on the receiver?

General Thoughts about Communication

1. All healthy interpersonal relationships depend on effective communication.
2. Effective communication occurs when the receiver receives the message the sender
intended to send.
3. Almost all relationship discord and contention can be traced to basic misunderstandings.
4. The responsibility for effective communication rests on both the sender and the receiver.
5. To blame one or the other for ineffective communication is generally an exercise in
futility.
6. Remember that words and symbols can have different meanings to different people.
7. Soon, always, seldom, never, sometimes, maybe, not now, etc.
8. Ineffective communication can be both symptomatic and problematic.

STEPS IN THE COMMUNICATION PROCESS

1. (Sender)
a. Encode
b. Send
2. (Filter)
3. (Receiver)
a. Decode
b. Internal response
4. (Receiver becomes Sender)
a. Encode
b. Send
5. (Filter)
 6. (First Sender becomes Receiver)
a. Decode
b. Internal response

Suggestions for Sending

1. Be specific rather than general as you describe the situation; speak in short "one thought"
statements.
2. Be tentative rather than absolute with your suggestions.
3. Focus on the behavior rather than the person.
4. Maintain a comfortable distance to encourage appropriate eye contact and attention.
5. Match words, voice tone, and actions.
6. Provide alternatives rather than solutions.
7. Recognize the value of the message to the receiver rather than to the sender. (motive)
8. Share observations rather than inferences (the "what" rather than the "why")
9. Speak in short, “one thought” statements.
10. Speak in terms of “more/less” rather than “either/or.”
11. Use "I" messages rather than "you" messages.
12. Verbal and non-verbal
13. Work in the “here and now” rather than in the “there and then.”

Thoughts about the Filter

1. Angry and emotional outbursts
2. Criticism
3. Current emotional state
4. Deception (lies, half-truths, and omissions)
5. Demeaning comments; i.e. name calling, labeling, etc.
6. External distractions (Static)
7. Idio-motor response....this is what happens when we say one thing and mean another.
8. Internal distractions (Static)
9. Lack of interest in the person or topic
10. Negative motives
11. Other filter blockers
12. Overt or covert threats of relationship separation
13. Past experiences
14. Pressure of time
15. Prolonged Silence
16. Sarcasm have not place in communication
17. Sending styles which weaken relationships
18. The filter belongs to the receiver.
19. The filter may be affected by such things as: Lack of interest in the person or topic,
External distractions (Static), Internal distractions (Static), Current emotional state, Past
experiences, Pressure of time, Negative Motives, Other filter blockers.
20. The filter should be considered by the sender before sending a message.
21. Two-level or incongruent messages, mixed messages.
22. Use of “red flag” words, topics, and/or topics
23. Vulgarity and profanity (as experienced by the receiver)

Suggestions for Receiving

 1. “When in doubt, check it out!”
2. Assuming what your partner is thinking and feeling and not allowing him or her to
express it.
3. Decrease distance without being oppressive
4. Demonstrate attention to the person and the message
5. Maintain comfortable eye contact
6. Ear, Eye, Heart
7. Extend or expand the statement made to encourage further communication
8. Failure to communicate (metacommunication)
9. Failure to express what one is feeling and/or thinking
10. Incomplete statements
11. Interrupting while talking
12. Leaving out valuable details
13. Listen to the whole person with your whole person
14. Maintain any and all confidences
15. Maintain comfortable eye contact
16. Paraphrase and/or clarify the statement you heard
17. Poor timing
18. Reacting to the "words" used
19. Reflect the feelings as well as the words expressed
20. Request additional information without probing
21. The Chinese word for “listen” contains three elements:
22. You can't prescribe medication until you know what is wrong. This is why there is Con-
joint therapy, so you can see what is going on.

Concept of Differentness - Corpus Collosum, is thinner and more permeable in the female,
which makes it easier to switch from the right and left hemispheres.  This is a theory, but
probably true.  This is why women are more multi-task oriented.

THEORIES FOR STUDYING FAMILIES - Talcott Parsons

1.

FAMILY SYSTEMS THEORY

1. AGM = Attention Getting Mechanism

2. Collection of individual interaction, elements, each connected with each other.
3. Control = Fighting kids can control parents
4. Each element has impact on every other element.
5. Each element of the system is of equal value, if everything is vertical, you will have a
very competitive family.
6. Each person needs to let individuals work out their own relationships.
7. Each relationship is as separate as is each unit.
8. Feedback maintains the system’s functioning: modifying, maintaining, motivating
(positive and negative)
9. It is valuable to look at “triangles” within the family system.
 10. Maintaining Feedback=Status quo, satisfaction "That was a good job and you were able
to touch all the pertinent points."
11. Modifying feedback = to induce change “Your introduction was weak; You’ll need to do
something to strengthen it next time”.
12. Motivating Feedback - Encourage positive change "You did really well and I can't wait
to read what you write next)
13. Collection of individual interaction elements, each connected with each other
14. No element should block or hinder the relationship between any two other elements.
(keep relationships clean)
15. One element cannot NOT have a relationship with another element.
16. One element of the system can be altered by change in another element of the system.
17. Rewarded Behavior Continues!  You have to remove the reward!
18. Sometimes we change the child’s behavior by changing the parent’s behavior. There is no
IP (Identified Patient) in family therapy.
19. The marriage is the primary relationship in the family system.
20. The system resists change, but can be changed. (seeks to maintain homeostasis)
21. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts
22. (Remember, Dr. Beckert is a Family Systems Therapist)
23. There is no IP (identified patient) in family therapy.
24. There is no way the mom should come between the relationship of a father and child.
Each person needs to let individuals work out their own relationships.
25. This is why blended, reconstructed families are so difficult.
26.  View families as a horizontal system, one is not bigger or better than the other, this is
what systems theory reports.
 Individuals plus relationships
 Family (X2 – X) /2=N
 All are connected and each is affected by the behaviors of others.
 Seeks to maintain Homeostasis

COMMUNICATION PROCESS

1. He told a Story about the chart...

2. Dr. Beckert thinks that effective communication is fairly simple, not easy, but simple.
3. ONE CANNOT NOT COMMUNICATE! whatever we say, do, we are communicating.
4. Whatever we say or not say: do or not do communicates something.
5. Two types of communication=Verbal and Non-verbal
6. Silence is a very powerful communicator and generally not very productive.
7. "Sticks and stones can break the bones when thrown with angry art. Words can sting like
anything, but silence breaks the heart."
8. The silence that is destructive is = Prolonged Silence.

General Barriers to Effective Communication

 1. Failure to express what one is feeling and/or thinking
2. Poor timing
3. Incomplete statements
4. Leaving out valuable details
5. Interrupting and over talking, assuming what your partner is thinking and feeling and not
allowing him or her to express it.
6. Reacting to words used rather than the feelings felt
7. Failure to communicate with another about your communication (metacommunication)
8. Unable -> lacks ability -> needs training -> proper practice
9. Unwilling -> lacks motivation -> needs encouragement -> continued support

REMEMBER: DIAGNOSIS MUST PRECEDE PRESCRIPTION

You can't prescribe medication until you know what is wrong.  This is why there is Con-joint
therapy, so you can see what is going on.

Re: Theories and Names connected w/ Family Studies (Very brief and general statements)

1. Talcott Parsons 1902-1979) Know his name

Structure: the basic makeup of the family, Therapists pay attention to the Basis of
Systems Theory , Structural-Functionalist Theory – This theory, introduced by Talcott
Parsons, maintains that gender-based role specialization is a necessary function in order to
promote family (and hence, societal) equilibrium.
The Individual develops - Freud, Erikson, Piaget, Maslow, Skinner
Parenting Roles - change over time (Talcott Parsons)

Changing Role of Parents or parenting roles change over time. The family system functions according
to its program, set of rules, and/or patterns. One of the primary mistakes made by parents,
as the child matures, the role of the parent changes.
Age of Child
Role of parent
Action taken, patterns
Parents made the mistake of staying in the advisor role when the child turns 20, the parent should be the
Consultant, not the Advisor.
A parent is always a teacher, no matter what the age of the child.  (Consultant)

Rules and Roles

 Instrumental – Masculine, given to the man, to keep the family going
 Expressive – Feminine, schema is the emotional one, which belongs to the female
 Homeostasis – if nothing changes, nothing will; balance
Functionalism – how well the individual; roles while the family are managed.
Homeostasis – balance
Definite male and female roles are assigned and maintained (things have now changed)
Male = instrumental, breadwinner
 Female = expressive, loving, caring, sympathy

Ivan Pavlov = Classical conditioning, salivating dogs

B. F. Skinner = Operant conditioning, learning theory, behaviorism

Albert Bandura = social learning theory, observational learning, person, behavior, environment

Jean Piaget = Cognitive development

Lawrence Kohlberg = Moral development, Cognitive learning, Cognitive Development Theory:

- Children could not be influenced by outside experience until they

develop cognitively. Must first gain an awareness or understanding
about gender. Three phases of gender understanding.
1. Gender Identity – well before kindergarten, become aware they
are different, able to label girls, boys, mommies, daddies.
2. Gender Stability – Sometime between the ages of four and six
children reach the realization that their gender will always be the
same.
3. Gender Constancy – Somewhere between kindergarten and
about second grade, children understand that acting like a girl
doesn’t make you a boy.

Lev Vygotshy = No stages, children learn through environmental interactions

Sigmund Freud = Psychosexual focus, stages and fixations

Anna Freud = Daughter, defense mechanisms, children and families

Alfred Adler = Individual psychology, family focus

Erik Erikson = Psychosocial development, gradual phases, Eight Stages of Man

1. Trust or mistrust – 0-24 months

2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt – Toddlerhood 2-4
3. Initiative vs. Guilt – Early Childhood 4-6
4. Industry vs. Inferiority – Middle Childhood 7-12
5. Identity vs. Role Confusion – Adolescence 13-21
6. Intimacy vs. Isolation – Young Adult 22-35
7. Generativity vs. Stagnation – Middle Adulthood 36-55
8. Integrity vs. Despair – Older Adulthood 65+

Abraham Maslow = Hierarchy of needs

Sandra Bem = Sex role inventory

Virginia Satir = Conjoint family therapy, no “identified patient” (IP)

 Book...People Making by Virginia Satir (deal of self and value of self)

 Troy Beckert = Cognitive Autonomy, ability to make and analyze decisions - Dr. Beckert's
son (writing a book on adolescence as far as their autonomy goes.)  Encyclopedia of
Adolescence is the name of the book.

LEARNING THEORY –

B.F. Skinner

 Operant Conditioning, behaviorism, response/stimulus, reward and punishment

 Rewarded behavior continues....which is learning theory
 Another way is Negative Reinforcement, take away a negative reinforce.
 Negative Punishment - you do this, you will be punished this way
 Reinforcement will INCREASE the behavior
 Positive Reinforcement –
 Negative Punishment –
 Positive Punishment - something bad can be started, behavior decreases
 Negative Reinforcement - something bad can be taken away

Albert Bandura

 Social learning theory, observation learning, Person Behavior, Environment

DEVELOPMENTAL THEORIES

Erik Erickson-(send note to professor to give us the summary sheet on these Theorists)
Lev Vygotsky -no stages, children learn through environmental interactions
Jean Piaget - Cognitive Development – stages

PSYCHOANALYTIC THEORIES
Sigmund Freud
-Psychosexual focus, stages and fixation
Anna Freud (his daughter)
-defense mechanisms, children and families
Alfred Adler (was with Freud)
-Individual psychology, family focus

OTHERS
Sandra Bem -does concept called Androgyny. can take a test to see if we have more feminine or
masculine traits.
-Sex role, inventory,
MMPI personality Inventory test...one of the scales is an MF scale.  The more educated a
person is, the more Androgyny's they become.
CHAPTER 1: Family Life Now

1. Is it possible, even with patience and Study, for a couple to enter marriage totally
Prepared for whatever they might encounter?
2. Family transcends Race, Religion, Ethnicity and Sexual orientation.
3. The better prepared we are for Marriage, the Greater the possibility for success in our
homes.
4. When it comes to understanding about working with families, the terms “Education” and
“Intervention” are not synonymous.
5. Research indicates that “Education” is generally more effective than “Intervention”
relative to helping families succeed.
6. The primary suggestion of the poem: “Ambulance in the Valley” is that Prevention is
better than a Cure.
7. The definition used to describe Family Life Education has Changed over the past forty
years.
8. It is Not likely that any one individual or group could arrive at a one-size-fits-all
definition of “Family.”
9. There is a significant difference between a “Family” and a “Household.”
10. The primary difference between our Family Of Origin and our family of Procreation is
the role we play within it. In the former we are the Child, in the latter we are the Parent.
11. Some say it is Impossible for us to overcome the influences of the family in which we are
reared, but they are Wrong.
12. The family is a Dynamic rather than a Static unit of society.
13. The “Nuclear Family” no longer represents the most modern configuration of a family
unit. (Mom, Dad, Kids)
14. The concept of an “Extended family” suggests two or more generations of close family
Relatives living together.
15. The majority of single-parent homes are headed by Mothers rather than by Fathers.
16. Couples consider themselves “Child-Free” if they choose to not bring children into the
world, if they are trying but not succeeding, they are “Childless.”
17. A “RECONSTITUTIONAL family” is another label for a “STEP FAMILY.”
(BLENDED)
18. COHABITATION refers to unmarried couples who choose to live together, whether or
not they are PLANNING on a future MARRIAGE to each other.
19. It remains politically INCORRECT to refrain from calling gay and lesbian couples living
together a family while LEGALLY they are not.
20. It would be INCORRECT to state that the American Family is in a state of decline and
deterioration. Each opinion is based upon individual EXPECTATIONS.
21. In reality, there remains a “SOCIAL class” in the American culture.
22. The terms “RACE” and “ETHNICITY” are NOT synonymous when referring to families.
23. Race refers to GENETICS and ethnicity refers to CULTURE.
24. In some cultures marriage is a “__________” rather than a “____________.”
 25. There is a FEDERAL law which confirms that marriage is a legal union of one man and
one woman as husband and wife. Passed in 1996 and is called the Defense of
MARRIAGE Act.
26. In America, marriage involves a LEGAL CONTRACT.
27. MONOGAMY is the more widely accepted marriage union in America.
28. A POLYGAMIST can be either a man or a woman.
29. One man with two or more wives would constitute POLYGYNY.
30. One woman with two or more husbands would constitute POLYANDRY.
31. CENOGAMY refers to GROUP marriages.
32. Understanding the DEVELOPMENTAL processes we all experience will help us keep
our EXPECTATONS realistic and in perspective, thus avoiding serious
FRUSTRATION.
33. Most DEVELOPMENTAL tasks we experience as part of a family are relatively
PREDICATABLE points in our lives.
34. There is a FAMILY life cycle as well as a HUMAN life cycle.

The family life cycle:

1. Leaving home (personal RESPONSIBILITY)

2. The new couple (COMMITMENT to a relationship)
3. Families w/ children (accepting new MEMBERS )
4. Families w/ teens (permitting and encouraging INDEPENDENCE)
5. Launching children and moving on (experiencing SEPARATION)
6. Families in later life (accepting GENERATIONAL roles)

THE HUMAN LIFE CYCLE:

Infancy (0-2 years)

 SURVIVAL and ADJUSTMENT

Early childhood (2-6 years)

 CURIOSITY and ACQUISITION

Middle childhood (7-12 years)

 INDEPENDENCE and MASTERY

Adolescence (13-19 years)

 PEER GROUP and SELF CONCEPT

Early adulthood (19-34 years)

 COUPLING and FAMILY

Middle adulthood (35-60 years)

 SANDWICH GENERATION; parents and children

Late middle adulthood (61-74 years)

 WISDOM and COMPLETION

Late adulthood (75+ years)

 RETROSPECTION and legacy

Research indicates that if your parents did NOT have children, it is UNLIKELY you will
experience having them.

General Differences between Men and Women (Note: Not all men nor all women fit neatly
into these general categories, but many do)

1. The primary source of self-esteem for men involves their OCCUPATION, the MONEY
they earn, and SERVICES provided to others while women tend to focus on their HOME,
HUSBAND, FAMILY and CHILDREN (APPEARANCE).
2. Men are concerned about ACHIEVEMENT, while women seek SECURITY.
3. Men view life in COMPARTMENTS and SEGMENTS while women seem more
INTERGRATED and often see the WHOLES picture.
4. Men know they don’t UNDERSTAND women while women think they UNDERSTAND
men. (From female point of view)
5. Men tend to miss SUBTLE CUES while women tune into them.
6. Men have less MEMORY for detail while women seem to NOTICE and REMEMBER
everything.
7. Men tend to be TASK oriented while women are motivated toward PEOPLE. (Now
becoming less and less the case)
8. Men seek to PLEASE their wives while women tend to CARE for their husbands.
9. Men form and maintain relationships by DOING THINGS together while women enjoy
CONVERSATION.
10. Men like to work things out in their HEADS, while women prefer to work them out with
OTHER PEOPLE.
11. WOMEN TEND TO LIVE IN THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE, WHILE MEN
TEND TO ONLY LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
12. MEN TEND TO SHUT THE DOOR AND MOVE ON, MAY NOT LEARN FROM
THE PAST.

FAMILY COMMUNICATION INVENTORY

 1. We have a regular time each week to talk as a family.

2. We generally finish what we are saying before someone else speaks.

3. We discuss to UNDERSTAND rather than argue to WIN.

4. We feel free to express our feelings about most things.

5. We ask for clarification when we don't understand what someone says.

6. We are allowed to have an opinion which differs from others in the family.

7. We openly discuss personal and family financial matters.

8. We feel it is as important to LISTEN as it is to TALK.

9. We are able to share our thoughts and feelings without upsetting other family
members.

10. We are generally able to "talk out" our problems with one another.

11. We are aware of and make use of "non-verbal" communication.

12. We call "time out" when emotions are running too hot.

13. There is usually someone available to talk with.

“SHE” — “HE” — “IT”

(Woman, Man, and Relationship)
(The Needs of each Element in a Marriage)

Her Needs His Needs “Its” Needs

(Harley) (Harley) (Beckert)

Affection Sexual Fulfillment Mutual Acceptance and

Respect

Conversation Recreational Compatible Values and

Companionship Goals

Honesty & Openness An Attractive Spouse Effective Communication

 Financial Security & Domestic Support Shared Interests and
Support Activities

Family Commitment Admiration Effective Conflict

Resolution Skills

* William Harley, His Needs, Her Needs, How to Build an Affair Proof Marriage

TEN THINGS HUSBANDS WANT THEIR WIVES TO KNOW ABOUT MEN

(Charles B. Beckert, PhD.)

1. I am not a mind reader.

2. I want to please you.
3. I like to solve my own problems in my own way.
4. Being intimate with you means things are OK between us.
5. I don't know what to do when you cry.
6. I need you to be quite specific with me when you expect something.
7. I can't know about and fix everything that breaks.
8. I need to do things with you.
9. Your respect and admiration for me means more than from any other source.
10. I may look tough on the outside but I'm tender on the inside.

TEN THINGS WIVES WANT THEIR HUSBANDS TO KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

(Charles B. Beckert, PhD.)

1. I need someone to talk with.

2. I need to feel safe around you and to trust you.
3. Sex and affection are not the same and I need affection from you.
4. I need to know and feel I am important to you and respected as a person.
5. I need to hear how much you love me and if you talk to me before you touch me my
response will generally be more positive.
6. I am not your mother nor your child, but your partner.
7. I am not asking for a solution when I tell you about a problem. I just want to share it with
someone.
8. I am human and have feelings and limits.
9. When you don't talk to me I feel shut out of your life.
10. I am the best thing that ever happened to you.

CHILD DEVELOPMENT THEORIES (Brief Overview of some)

Psychoanalytic (Freud)
Psychosexual Stages
Oral stage (0-1)
Sensual focus on the mouth and tongue
Under: pessimism, envy, suspicion, sarcasm
Over: optimistic, gullible, and spoiled
Anal stage (1-3)
Sensual focus on potty training
Represents the battle between the id, ego, and super ego
Under: messy, disorganized, reckless, careless, and defiant
Over: neat, precise, stingy, withholding, obstinate, passive-aggressive
Called: anal retentive character
Phallic stage (3-6)
Focus on physical differences
Pleasure from self-stimulation
Oedipus complex and Electra complex
Castration anxiety
Penis envy
Latency stage (7-11)
Subsiding of sensual energies for a time
Children use their energies in areas other than sex
Genital stage (12 +)
Sensual focus on and interests in the opposite sex.

Psychosocial (Erikson)
1. Trust vs. Mistrust (0-2)
Oral-Sensory: from birth to one, trust vs. mistrust, feeding;
2. Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (2-4)
Muscular-Anal: 1-3 years, autonomy vs. shame, toilet training;
3. Initiative vs. Guilt (4-6)
Locomotor: 3-6 years, initiative vs. guilt, independence;
4. Industry vs. Inferiority (7-12)
Latency: 6-12 years, industry vs. inferiority, school;
5. Identity vs. Role Confusion (13-21)
Adolescence: 12-18 years, identity vs. confusion, peer relationships;
6. Intimacy vs. Isolation (22-35)
Young Adulthood: 18-40 years, intimacy vs. isolation, love relationships;
7. Generativity vs. Stagnation (36-65)
Middle Adulthood: 40-65 years, Generativity vs. stagnation, parenting;
8. Integrity vs. Despair (65 +)
Maturity: 65 years until death, integrity vs. despair, acceptance of one's life.

Learning Theories (Skinner, Watson, Bandura)

Operant Conditioning:
Rewards reinforce behaviors
Punishments decrease the likelihood of a repeated behavior.
Classical Conditioning:
Associations are made between two events
Social Learning theory:
Observation, trial, and error.

Cognitive Theories (Piaget)

1. Sensorimotor stage (0-2)
Learning through physical interaction with environment.
Using both senses and motor capabilities
2. Preoperational stage (2-7)
Not yet able to conceptualize, needs physical situations.
Deals with the here and now
3. Concrete Operational Stage (7-11)
Ability to conceptualize and use logical thinking
Understands relationships between objects and people.
4. Formal Operational Stage (12 +)
Can think abstractly and hypothetically.
Can understand abstract concepts.

Sociocultural Theory (Vygotsky)

No stages of development.
Children develop through direct interaction with their environment.
Parents should introduce their child to different events and situations.

John Gottman is the most influential researcher in the areas of marital happiness/marital
satisfaction and conflict management.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (John Gottman)
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
-

A COMPARISON BETWEEN GENUINE AND IMITATION LOVE

GENUINE LOVE IMITATION LOVE

1. Grows slowly and steadily through time. Blooms quickly and can change often and
radically.

2. Provides feelings of security and peace. Generates feelings of uncertainty and fear.
You may feel the partner’s presence even in You may be miserable when the partner is not
his or her absence. present.
 3. Genuine love encourages a steadiness of Your appetite may be lost. You can’t
life, a good diet, steady work and sleep habits, concentrate or study. You may be short
etc. tempered and unpleasant to be around.

4. You are other centered and have concern Your primary concern is what you are getting
for his or her welfare. You want to help them. out of the relationship. Self-gratification is
your objective.

5. You want to be together but are able to You have feelings of having to be together
postpone encounters. You can plan your and fear delays in meeting and would like to
future with anticipation not fear. marry quickly.

6. You feel physically attracted to your Your feelings are based on physical attraction
partner but realize you can be close without and the drive to become physical is extremely
compromising standards. strong.

7. Your relationship is stable and reasonable. You find it easy to disagree. The relationship
Compromise is easy because you listen to the alternates between periods of conflict and
other’s viewpoint. periods of emotional excitement,

8. Genuine love reflects trust and confidence There is continual jealousy and lack of trust
in one another. One does not feel the need to with evidence of extreme possessiveness.
control the other.

9. Genuine love encourages personal growth Imitation love may lead to a compromising of
and development. You become a better standards, a limiting of personal growth and
person because of the relationship. development.

10. There is a definite future orientation with There is an overwhelming focus on the
a realization that choices made now directly present, the me; here and now, with little
affect tomorrow. thought about future consequences.

LOVE IS A FEELING

1. Love is a feeling
You feel when you’re feeling
A feeling you’ve
Not felt before.

Love is the doing

Of deeds you like doing
For someone
You truly adore.

Chorus: True Love is gentle and kind

Love leaves us feeling so good.
Love comes from both heart and mind
And helps us do those things we should.

2. Love is the being

Of one who is being?
The best
One has been heretofore.

Love is the thinking

That motivates thinking
Of positive thoughts
More and more.

Chorus: True Love is gentle and kind

Love leaves us feeling so good.
Love comes from both heart and mind
And helps us do those things we should.

3. Most of us don’t know

As much as we should know
But some things
We do know for sure

When love is real

We will want to reveal,
The depth of our souls
More and more.

Chorus: True Love is gentle and kind

Love leaves us feeling so good.
Love comes from both heart and mind
And helps us do those things we should.

4. It may be a long wait

For what some may call fate
But we’ll know the joy
Love can bring.
Then we’ll be together
Whatever the weather
The song of True Love
We will sing.

Chorus: True Love is gentle and kind

Love leaves us feeling so good.
Love comes from both heart and mind
And helps us do those things we should.