Person-Centered Theory 1

Discovering Self with Person-Centered Theory

Am Basheerah Binti Alias

B1401872

Department of Psychology

PSY 303

Ms. Evone Phoo

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Discovering Self with Person-Centered Theory.

Person-Centered theory by Carl Rogers (1959) emphasised that each individual able

to attain goals, wishes, and desires in life as long as they achieve congruity between real-self

and ideal-self. This theory made me reflect on what are my true desires, goals, and values that

I have and have not achieve from aspects of academic, family relationship, and personal

growth. It led me to think of how far had I develop or mature from the experiences and life

events. Until now, I might face the surrounding according to social expectations and to what

have been taught. Furthermore, living in a society which has certain sets of norms, values,

and interpretation of worthiness influenced me to meet those expectations and to be

approved. As effort to expectations prolongs, I might have internal conflict between my real-

self and the ideal-self who I should be. Hence, this theory allows me to discover the intensity

of incongruity between real-self and ideal-self, also how far am I from self-actualization

(achieving own goals and desires).

My personality

I was born in a family with highly educated background. My mother is a successful

doctor and my father is an engineer. Among three brothers, two of them are doctors who

married to persons of the same profession, while the other is also pursuing in medic. Since a

kid, I was given enough support from whole family regarding daily care, academic and other

school performances. I was also a timid and shy child who always afraid to mix around with

others and prefer to stay with parents. Even with relatives, it took me a lot of courage to start

the conversation with them. Probably I had the self-concept of ‘I am bad in communicating

with others’ that I avoid from the possibilities of offending others. Shyness and timidity are

my real-self since I was a child, but I wanted to be a person who has the confidence, courage

to approach people, and brave enough to face the environment; those are my ideal-self.
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Throughout my schooling, I tried to reduce my shyness and timidity. At first, I hardly

participate in class as the anxiety of social judgement occupied my mind. It took me years to

have the courage to actively participate in class. During secondary level, I began to volunteer

myself to answer questions, help teachers, and associate myself with more friends. The

feeling of awkwardness was always there, while thinking of the next step that I should do.

Luckily, I was supported by a friend who understood my feeling and personality. Rather than

giving advice, she would gently push my back so that was able to try with my own pace. This

is parallel to what Carl Rogers (1959) mentioned, people are able to achieve what they desire

with enough support and space. Gradually I built the confidence and the possibility to attain

the ideal-self became greater as I believe that I would achieve it if try harder.

The positive regards that I gained from teachers and peers led me to realize the

negative self-concepts that I had was just a form of self-condemn, and it restricted me to

strive for better self. From that moment, the negative self-concepts were used as reason for

me to try harder. I challenged myself to be a part of a group to be perceived meaningful. I

was a member of School Representative Council (SRC) in high school that gave me more

rooms for me to grow and improve myself. To connect with both students and teachers was a

part of the responsibilities that once again a turning point of my life. Social judgement was

not as bad as I thought. Every human is imperfect and would face social judgement as part of

learning and personal growth. Here, the congruity between real-self (shy and timid) and

ideal-self (confident, courageous) became greater. Until now, it is still not congruent. In able

to fully attain my ideal-self, I need to be able to maintain eye-contact with others.

Academic history

Compare to the other siblings, I was not as bright as them and always be in the

average range of academic performance. My parents were not that happy with the result that I
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obtained and I was never been talked about. In contrast, all my brothers were always praised

and been talked about for their excellent school performance. From that moment, the self-

concept of ‘I am stupid’, ‘I am a failure’, and ‘I am a slow learner’ were always there. I

continuously had the worry that I might not be perceived as useful to my parents as for them,

good school performance is the meaning of success. The negative self-concepts gradually

grew as I compare myself with others of higher achievers and perceived the expectations

from family and relatives were too high. At that moment, another discrepancy between my

real-self (average student) and ideal-self (smart student) perceived to be wide because I did

not know how to achieve the target.

Wanting for positive regards from parents, I tried very hard to achieve better in

school. Although my parents did not discriminate in treating any of their children, they

unconsciously possessed conditional positive regard towards me, which is to have a good

school. I graduated from primary school with flying colours, and that made me very happy as

I was able to fulfil the expectations. The negative self-concepts that I had before faded since I

proved that I am capable of achieving good results and enter to an infamous boarding school.

However, the internal conflict became greater during adolescents period because of the

maturity in thinking and sensitivity towards own needs. I became more aware of my own

personality, interests, and goals. Aside from academic, I discovered that enjoyed playing

music instrument and involving myself in language related events or tournaments.

However, I entered a science stream secondary school with limited art performing

clubs. From this point, the incongruity between my real-self and ideal-self began to be greater

than before. As mentioned by Katz and Zigler (1967), the incongruity become greater if one

is more intelligent, mature and sensitive regarding own need and goal. My real-self enjoys

artistic performance, literature, and learning about the world. But, my ideal-self emphasised

that I need to meet parents’ expectation which was to excel in science stream and build a
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career from that. I was not able to escape from the reality that I need to strive in science

stream because at the same time I wanted to make my parents proud of myself. The

incongruity between the real-self and ideal-self was not too much, but it led me to think either

it is better to be honest to myself, or family expectation is more important. During that

moment, the emphasis to reach the ideal-self won as I thought I would not be perceived

valuable without family support.

I built a defence mechanism for me to achieve the ideal-self. The denial towards art

performance continued by saying ‘art performance gives no benefit’ and ‘it waste a lot of my

study time’. I spend most of my time studying sciences and mathematics to avoid myself

been too absorbed by literature subjects and other interest. For few years I supressed the need

of real-self and underwent organismic valuing process. The value that the society around me

(family, teachers, and peers) had was ‘science stream students are guaranteed with a bright

future’ became a part of my value as well. Here, I chose to ignore the internal conflict and be

more congruent with the reality that I face. One side of me might say that I am not reflecting

the true self, but the need of positive regard (acceptance) from family, teachers and peers

weighs greater than striving for own desire.

During my Form 3 final exam (PMR), English was the only subject that did not obtain

an A. It was the subject that I claimed to like and master. But due my focus was majorly on

the sciences and mathematics, I neglected English subject. As I stayed for organismic valuing

for several years, I should have not feel so distress for the English result. I cried due to

frustration that I was not able to score for the subject that I used to master. This shows that I

was not able to align my natural value with organismic valuing. My real-self that was

supressed finally projected at that moment and I realized how much had I been striving for

conditional positive regard, which hurts own self in the end. I was not able to deny that I love

learning languages and performing arts more than sciences (which I cannot imagine my
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future with it). During that time, there were thoughts of ‘I do not know what I was doing this

whole time’ and ‘for who did I do this?’

I was able to receive unconditional positive regard from my parents after telling them

my true interests and goals. Previously, to be success in science major was the condition of

worth that I got. But currently my parents respected the decisions that I made, which is to

pursue my passion and build a career from that. With their support, now I am capable of

speaking Japanese Language and I am the only one in the family to possess third language

after Malay and English. I feel much relieve and satisfied that I am able stay with my natural

values. Currently, the criteria of ideal-self maintain to be a smart person, but in the path of

my own potential. The goals are to have a successful career of my passion and to be more

outgoing. The incongruity became much lesser and the anxiety of not to be able to be seen as

a worth person slowly fades away. The new set of ideal-self that was built is more realistic

and attainable as I understand the importance of self-embracing.

Fully-functioning person

According to Carl Rogers (1959), once a person is able to achieve self-actualization,

that person can be called a fully-functioning person. The concept of fully-functioning person

is that, one is able to embrace themselves and stay in touch in the reality they are

experiencing. I experienced a lot of internal conflict and with others due to anxiety to get

approved by others, to meet the conditions of worth set by society, and to be honest with own

feeling. I tried to achieve to achieve the perceived ideal-self in able to receive positive

regards to the point that I am not being my true self. From that experiences, I realize that I

will never achieve self-actualization because I never embrace and accept as a person with her

own potential. I am aware that I am far from a fully-functioning person. But, the psychology
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knowledge that I earn this few years has guide a lot towards knowing myself deeper and learn

from mistakes.

One of the criteria of a fully-functioning person is to be open to experience (Rogers,

1959). I am currently able to accept negative experiences such as anger and dissatisfaction

that I face. However, the negative feelings will never been solve if I tend to repress them for

the whole time. The sharing of thoughts and feelings with close friends and family help me to

cope with the stress, while counselling sessions also help me to be truthful with my own

feeling. Furthermore, it is hard for me to fulfil the existential living criteria. This is because

the way I am now is because of my past, the way my parents had shaped me, and the

experiences that taught me. There are lots of time that I remembered the past events before

deciding for present so that mistakes will not be repeated. I am also afraid of the failure that

might happen if I do not take things seriously. Hence, to think for three events (past, present,

and future) gives me a lot of stress.

I still have doubt in my own capability that lead me to search for opinion from others.

The feeling of afraid of failure also cause me to be afraid to take responsibility when

uncertainty occurs. I hope that able to be more self-confident so that I can live a life that I

choose by myself. To enter a major that is deviant from family profession is a very risky

action for me as there is lack of support from them in term of subject and career knowledge.

Moreover, for me to learn foreign language was quite a surprise to my family because they

never thought anybody in the family has such interest. But, I was able to adapt and strive

with all the supports. I was not able to achieve what I have gain now without parents’

unconditional positive regards and others’ help in reconceptualise my self-image.

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References

Katz. P., & Zigler, E. (1967). Self image disparity: A development approach. Journal of

personality and social psychology, 5, 186-195.

Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships: As

developed in the client-centered framework (Vol. 3, pp. 184-256). New York:

McGraw-Hill.