SEXUAL GROOMING

We may have a little of knowledge of what sexual grooming is and even encountered the
same. However, we are not even aware of what it is and to what extent it affects the person
experiencing it. Little did the victims know, such condition is already happening to them; and even
us who are ignorant of this issue.

Parents do every possible means to protect their children from any danger or from
anything alike. Unfortunately, parents are not always around to watch over the safety of their
children. Some of the children crave independence, like most of the teenagers do. It is natural for
them to confide to their friends rather than their parents. Sadly, molesters will gain these children's
trust, groom them, and eventually, victimize them. It is terrifying, especially nowadays when a lot
of grooming occurs online. To understand more of these, we will further tackle what sexual
grooming is.

Grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust
for the purposes of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation or trafficking1. It is often very carefully
planned and it can take place over weeks, months or even years.(2) According to Eric Marlowe
Garrison, a sex counselor, and author, “Grooming is the slow, methodical, and intentional process
of manipulating a person to a point where they can be victimized. After [the perpetrators] find their
targets, they then gain trust and move in from there.”(3)

Anyone can be a victim for it can occur at any age, although children are most vulnerable.
Moreover, children who are disabled and children in care (looked after children) are more at risk
than the others. When someone wants to sexually abuse a person, they may try to 'groom' the
latter. Eventually, the victim may not be aware that they have been groomed or what incurred was
abuse.

According to National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), children
and young people can be groomed online or face-to-face by a stranger or by someone they know
- for example a family member, friend or professional.(1) The abuser may either be a male or a
female.

In these lights, how can we protect these children from these incidents?

Understanding the process of sexual grooming is very crucial in protecting these children.
Parents, guardians, and significant others should be equipped with knowledge about sexual
grooming.

1National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Copyright © 2018 NSPCC / All rights reserved.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/grooming/. July 11, 2018.
 Forensic psychiatrist Dr. Michael Welner explains the six stages that can lead up to sexual
molestation. (4)

The Six Stages of Grooming

Stage 1: Targeting the victim

The offender targets a victim by sizing up the child’s vulnerability, emotional neediness,
isolation and lower self-confidence. Children with less parental oversight are more desirable prey.
(Welner, 2010)

Stage 2: Gaining the victim’s trust

The sex offender gains trust by watching and gathering information about the child, getting
to know his needs and how to fill them. In this regard, sex offenders mix effortlessly with
responsible caretakers because they generate warm and calibrated attention. Only more awkward
and overly personal attention, or a gooey intrusiveness, provokes the suspicion of parents.
Otherwise, a more suave sex offender is better disciplined for how to push and poke, without
revealing themselves. Think of the grooming sex offender on the prowl as akin to a spy and just
as stealthy. (Welner, 2010)

Stage 3: Filling a need

Once the sex offender begins to fill the child’s needs, that adult may assume noticeably
more importance in the child’s life and may become idealized. Gifts, extra attention, affection may
distinguish one adult in particular and should raise concern and greater vigilance to be
accountable for that adult. (Welner, 2010)

Stage 4: Isolating the child

The grooming sex offender uses the developing special relationship with the child to create
situations in which they are alone together. This isolation further reinforces a special connection.
Babysitting, tutoring, coaching and special trips all enable this isolation. (Welner, 2010)
A special relationship can be even more reinforced when an offender cultivates a sense
in the child that he is loved or appreciated in a way that others, not even parents, provide. Parents
may unwittingly feed into this through their own appreciation for the unique relationship. (Welner,
2010)

Stage 5: Sexualizing the relationship

At a stage of sufficient emotional dependence and trust, the offender progressively
sexualizes the relationship. Desensitization occurs through talking, pictures, even creating
situations (like going swimming) in which both offender and victim are naked. At that point, the
adult exploits a child’s natural curiosity, using feelings of stimulation to advance the sexuality of
the relationship. (Welner, 2010)
When teaching a child, the grooming sex offender has the opportunity to shape the child’s
sexual preferences and can manipulate what a child finds exciting and extend the relationship in
this way. The child comes to see himself as a more sexual being and to define the relationship
with the offender in more sexual and special terms. (Welner, 2010)

Stage 6: Maintaining control

Once the sex abuse is occurring, offenders commonly use secrecy and blame to maintain
the child’s continued participation and silence, particularly because the sexual activity may cause
the child to withdraw from the relationship. (Welner, 2010)
Children in these entangled relationships, and at this point they are entangled, confront
threats to blame them, to end the relationship and to end the emotional and material needs they
associate with the relationship, whether it be the dirt bikes the child gets to ride, the coaching one
receives, special outings or other gifts. The child may feel that the loss of the relationship and the
consequences of exposing it will humiliate and render them even more unwanted. (Welner, 2010)

Signs of Grooming

The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), enumerated the
signs of grooming. (1) NSPCC is a charity campaigning and working in child protection in the
United Kingdom and the Channel Islands, which was founded in 1884 (as the London Society for
the Prevention of Cruelty to Children).

If a child is being groomed they may:

• Be very secretive, including about what they are doing online (NSPCC, 2018)
• Have older boyfriends or girlfriends (NSPCC, 2018)
• Go to unusual places to meet friends (NSPCC, 2018)
• Have new things such as clothes or mobile phones that they can't or won't explain
(NSPCC, 2018)
• Have access to drugs and alcohol (NSPCC, 2018)

In older children, signs of grooming can easily be mistaken for 'normal' teenage behavior,
but you may notice unexplained changes in behavior or personality, or inappropriate sexual
behavior for their age. (NSPCC, 2018)

In addition to that, NSPCC (1) also mentioned the things you may notice if a child is being
abused. Watch out for any strange behavior which they never usually do before:

• Withdrawn
• Suddenly behaves differently
• Anxious
• Clingy
• Depressed
• Aggressive
 • Problems sleeping
• Eating disorders
• Wets the bed
• Soils clothes
• Takes risks
• Misses school
• Changes in eating habits
• Obsessive behavior
• Nightmares
• Drugs
• Alcohol
• Self-harm
• Thoughts about suicide

How grooming happens?

Groomers don’t jump right into abuse, which is often sexual; they begin with building a
friendship. “It’ll be in a way where they get to know the [victim] well enough where they find out
what they like,” Dawn Michael, PhD, a sexuality counselor. (3)

Grooming happens both online and in person. Groomers will hide their true intentions and
may spend a long time gaining a child's trust. Thay may try to gain the trust of a whole family to
allow them to be left alone with a child and if they work with children they may use similar tactics
with their colleagues. (1)

In a blogsite (6) “Protect Young Minds”, an article entitled “Proactive Parenting Tips, Real-
Life Stories: 10 Ways Predators Are Grooming Kids” by Kristen Jenson discussed the 10
grooming behaviors of the offender, that every parent should recognize, to wit:

1. Seeks out and pays extra special attention to a child

2. Acts overly interested in the child
3. Buys them gifts and or treats
4. Touches or hugs them in front of trusted adults which makes the child think the touching
is OK
5. Finds out what your child’s likes and interests are, and then flatters the child by claiming
to have the same likes and interests
6. Pretends to be a good friend to the child, even “best friends” and acts as a sympathetic
listener when child is upset
7. Tries to find ways to be alone with the child
8. Tells the child dirty jokes or shows them pornography
9. Grooms parents to gain more access to the child such as offering to babysit
 10. Grooming happens online as well so be aware of your children’s online activities

WHAT CAN I DO?

Grooming is uncertainly recognizable since more often than not many don’t realize that
they are already victimized by grooming, or worse, abused. At times, when someone gets to be
friendly with you, you tend to misconstrue the same as grooming. Notwithstanding such
misconception, it is still wise to be cautious over these matters.

So how can children be protected from grooming? After noticing that your child or
someone else is in that horrifying situation, or even finding yourself involved, how do we get away
from it? What can we do to stop it?

Be aware of the new places your children are going to and getting involved with, which for
some reasons they lie about. Be watchful enough when children starts to develop curiosity by
spending too much time online gathering information over certain things or having phone
conversations with someone you have never heard of. Hence, it is important to get involved with
your children’s day to day activities.

Moreover, parents should also take the time and effort to communicate with their children.
Spend a time talking to them and listen to what they say. It is important to share your ideas about
this issue with your children and guide them to be aware of the grooming behaviors of an offender
and the likes by refraining from talking to strangers and being vigilant at all times.

Teachers also play an important role in protecting children from grooming. Classroom
education and forums about this issue is an essential aspect. Based on the article entitled “The
3 Big Red Flags of Sexual Abuse” by Kimberly King, it states that : “When it comes to sexual
abuse, there are 3 big red flags which kids should learn to watch for. These are tactics abusers
use to convince a child to break body safety rules. If someone is using these tactics on a child, it
is a sign the child needs to get help from a trusted adult. Note: Teaching kids to watch for red
flags is NOT intended to place the responsibility of abuse prevention on the child. Child abuse is
NEVER the fault of a child. The red flag conversation is intended to prepare a child for situation
that a child may face, help the child recognize danger (ideally before abuse takes place), and let
the child know who they can turn to if they are in danger.2” Relative to this, under the same article,
one of the aspects that has to be taught includes is about the body safety boundaries. Before kids
can understand how to identify red flags, kids need to learn body safety boundaries. It is essential
that parents teach young children that some parts of the body are private. For boys the parts of
the body that are beneath underwear are private; for girls, the parts that are under underwear
and an undershirt are private. There are many good reasons for parents to use clinical names for

2King, Kimberly. “Proactive Parenting Tips, Real-Life Stories.” “The 3 Big Red Flags of Sexual Abuse”. April 7, 2016.
https://protectyoungminds.org/2016/04/07/3-big-red-flags-sexual-abuse/. July 12, 2018.
private body parts. Kids need to be taught there are special rules for private body parts: there
are only a few people (such as a parent, caregiver, or doctor) who should see or touch private
areas of their body. The special rules will depend on the age and needs of a child, but the rules
should be clear. Children should know that no one should ask them to keep a secret about
anything that involves the private areas of anyone’s body. The 3 Big Red Flags of Sexual Abuse
are as follows:

Big Red Flag #1: Bribes

A person might offer a reward (such as money, toys, treats or something else) for
doing something that violates a body safety boundary. These are examples of
bribes that can lure children and keep them engaged:
“If you touch my private parts, I will give you candy.”
“If you show me your private parts, I will be your best friend.”
“If you do this I will give you money.”
“If you keep this secret, I will buy you things.”
“If you keep this secret I will be your best friend.”
“If you keep this secret you will be special to me.”

Big Red Flag #2: Threats

A person might scare a child by threatening to take something good away or do
something bad if the child won’t cooperate or the child won’t keep a
secret. These are common examples of threats:
“If you tell, I am not going to be your friend.”
“If you tell, nobody will believe you.”
“If you tell, It will make your parents mad because you wanted to do it.”
“If you tell, I am going to hurt you or hurt your family.”
“I will tell my mom it was your idea.”

Big Red Flag #3: Normalizing Abuse

A person might try to manipulate a child into believing body safety boundaries
are not really important and that most people do not obey body safety rules. To
make safety rules seem unusual and sexual acts seem normal, an abuser may
try to show a child pornography. BIG RED FLAG! An abuser may also use
statements like these:
“All the cool kids do this. It’s no big deal.”
“It’s just a game that feels good.”
“It will be our little secret. It’s okay as long as no one finds out.”3

3King, Kimberly. “Proactive Parenting Tips, Real-Life Stories.” “The 3 Big Red Flags of Sexual Abuse”. April 7, 2016.
https://protectyoungminds.org/2016/04/07/3-big-red-flags-sexual-abuse/. July 12, 2018.
 You & Co, a Victim Support’s youth program in UK, author of the blog “Understanding Sex
Crimes: Am I Being Groomed?”, listed some guide questions to know if you are being groomed.
To be able to recognize grooming and find out if you are in such situation, try asking yourself a
few questions:

1. Did they ask for really personal information about you or someone else, especially early
on in your ‘relationship’?
2. Do they want you to keep your ‘relationship’ a secret from other people?
3. Do they want to meet with you alone or in secret?
4. Do they want you to send them pictures of you or of other people, and/or want to send you
pics of themselves?
5. Do you feel pressured into doing or saying things that make you feel uncomfortable?
6. Have they asked about your sexual experience, or how you feel about doing certain sexual
things?
7. Do they send or give you gifts or things that you think are either excessive – such as things
that are very valuable, or very personal – or are very ‘grown up’, such as alcohol, tobacco
or drugs?
8. Do they ask you to move your webcam so they can see certain things?
9. Do they seem to already know things about you that you haven’t told them?
10. Are they over 18 whilst you are under 18? (although you can be groomed by people your
own age)

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then it’s important that you talk to someone
– preferably an adult you can trust, but if not then your friends – about what is happening. And
remember, if something doesn’t feel right – even slightly – then it probably isn’t.4

Once you were able to recognize and find yourself in an abusive and controlling
relationship at the hands of a groomer, consider asking for help. As mentioned by You & Co in
their blog “Coping with the Effects of Crime Together: Am I Being Groomed? What Can I Do?”,
here are some of the things you can do:

 Tell an adult you trust. This could include a teacher, a family member, your youth worker
or support worker. Tell them what is going on and ask for their help and advice. With this
adult, you could develop a safety plan that would help you to choose how best to keep
yourself safe. (You & Co, 2015)

 If you have been sexually assaulted or sexually abused, speak to a doctor or a nurse so
they can check that you are ok and give you any medical help. (You & Co, 2015)

4(5) You & Co, Victim Support’s youth programme. Registered charity number: 298028 © 2015.
https://www.youandco.org.uk/crime-info/understanding-sex-crimes/am-i-being-groomed. July 11, 2018.
  Talk to your friends. A good friend will listen to you and may help you speak to an adult.
(You & Co, 2015)

 Think about reporting it to the police. If the grooming has taken place online, you should
also report what’s happened to the websites or forums where you met and chatted to the
person who groomed you. (You & Co, 2015)

 Learn how to keep yourself safe online this includes reporting what’s happened to the
websites or forums where you met and chatted to the person who groomed you. (You &
Co, 2015)5

Who can help me? Who can I contact?

It is a must to be familiar with the different support systems available within your
community and be able to determine the proper authority to contact in case incidents of grooming
or in any form alike occur. In the Philippines, there are some authorities who can give assistance
regarding this issue and report using their reporting portal. The Department of Justice also
advocates the protection of all children in the Philippines and Filipino children elsewhere from all
forms of violence, abuse, exploitation and discrimination under Executive Order No. 53. Hence,
coordination with different agencies was made possible to provide assistance and act upon in
case of reports .

The following are the directory :

 Department of Social Welfare and Development (02)931-8101 to 07 or your local

social welfare office

 NBI Violence Against Women and Children’s Desk (02) 523-8231 to 38 or 525-6028

 Philippine National Police Operation Center Tel. Nos. 712-8613/722-0540 & 724 8749
or nearest police station

 PNP-Women and Children Protection Center 410-3213 or your local barangay women
and children’s desk

 Development or to the Child Health and Intervention and Protective Service (CHIPS)
Tel. No. 734-4216

5(5) You & Co, Victim Support’s youth programme. Registered charity number: 298028 © 2015.
https://www.youandco.org.uk/crime-info/understanding-sex-crimes/am-i-being-groomed. July 11, 2018.
  Anti-Child Abuse, Discrimination, Exploitation Division (ACADED) National Bureau of
Investigation Tel. Nos. 525-6028/525-8231 loc. 403 & 444

 DOJ Task Force on Child Protection, Tel. Nos. 523-8481 to 89 or contact the nearest
Provincial, City or Regional Prosecutor

 Local Barangay Council for the Protection of Children

Young people who experienced sexual grooming tend to isolate themselves and may ask
'why is this happening to me?'. Hence, it is important to remember that this is not their fault and
be aware that help is available. Share this awareness to facilitate a preventive method to child
protection.

Bibliography:

(1) National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Copyright © 2018 NSPCC / All rights
reserved. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/grooming/. July 11,
2018.

(2) National Crime Agency 2015. https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/parents/articles/what-is-sexual-

grooming/. July 11, 2018.

(3) Webster, Emma Sarran. "What Is Sexual Grooming? 7 Things to Know About This Abuse Tactic".
July 19, 2017. https://www.allure.com/story/what-is-sexual-grooming-abuse/ . July 11, 2018.

(4) Welner, Dr Michael. The Oprah Winfrey Show (www.oprah.com). October 2010.
http://www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk/impact/legacy-issues/grooming/. July 11, 2018.

(5) You & Co, Victim Support’s youth programme. Registered charity number: 298028 © 2015.
https://www.youandco.org.uk/crime-info/understanding-sex-crimes/am-i-being-groomed. July 11,
2018.

(6) Jenson, Kristen. “Proactive Parenting Tips, Real-Life Stories.” “10 Ways Predators Are Grooming
Kids”. October 26, 2017. https://protectyoungminds.org/2017/10/26/10-ways-predators-grooming-
kids/. July 12, 2018.

(7) King, Kimberly. “Proactive Parenting Tips, Real-Life Stories.” “The 3 Big Red Flags of Sexual Abuse”.
April 7, 2016. https://protectyoungminds.org/2016/04/07/3-big-red-flags-sexual-abuse/. July 12, 2018.

(8) Republic of the Philippines. Department of Justice. “Child Protection Program”. Copyright 2018.
https://www.doj.gov.ph/child-protection-program.html. July 12, 2018.