Hungry as Fuck

cooking with rage

Recipes by f7u12d
Compilation and design by Afrael
April 2011
Compilation and design by Afrael (http://www.reddit.com/user/afrael/), April 2011. Proofreading and general encouragement provided by
pixel8 and monkey3.

Recipes have been attributed to their authors (by username) as much as possible, and for most recipes a shortlink to the original location of
the recipe is provided. The shortlink consists of a five character code, which will direct you to the proper thread when typed into a web browser
following the prefix “http://redd.it/”. Authors are listed as [deleted] if their accounts have been deleted.

Most of the illustrated recipes in this cookbook were sourced from the fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuud community (at www.f7u12d.com). Recipe selection
was done through community suggestion at the thread with shortlink g6cet. The title of this cookbook was suggested by Keith Anderson in
redd.it/ebnuh, the subtitle was also suggested by Keith in a PM to me (afrael). The blurb on the back was written by monkey3.

If you have any comments or suggestions for this cookbook, contact me through private message (via http://www.reddit.com/message/
compose/?to=afrael). I’m going to do my best to bring you a bigger and better version of this cookbook sometime next year, so I won’t
change anything on this one anymore. But I quite like orangereds :D.

The ‘Hungry As Fuck’ cookbook is in no way affiliated with Conde Nast or reddit.com
Breakfast
Mo’Fuggin Breakfast Burritos 6
Breakfast Sludge 8
Bacon Pancake Breakfast Sandwiches 12
Refried Beans and Eggs 14
Dependable Eggs 14
Easy Crepes 14

Lunch
Bruschetta Chicken Breast 16
Grilled Motherfuckin Cheese 19
Couscous 20

Table of Contents
Lentil Stuff 20
Ramen Egg Noodles 20

Dinner
This Is How Men Cook 22
Chicken Crunch Wrap Supreme 24
Motherfucking Quiche 26
Chicken Piccata 31
Spaghetti Carbonara 32
Fuck it... Bolognese 34
MF’n Eggrolls 37
Pernil & Tostones 40
Mother Trucin’ Ribs, Bitches 42
Best Steak I’ve Ever Made 47
Chicken Flied Lice! 48
Shepherd’s Pie 50
Potato Hobo Pack 50
Drunken Tacos 50

Snacks
Freaking Phenomenal Brownies 52
Microwave Cake 53
Snow Ice Cream Bitch 54
Rainbow Fucking Brownies 55
Bacon Cinnamon Rolls 58
Frosting for Your Fucking Cake 61
Lemon Squares - Without Words 62
Spread 64
fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuudge 67
 Breakfast

5
6
Mo’FugginBreakfastBurritos by bambooshootz, shortlink: g0rjl
Variation by rick-victor
If you don't roll your burrito, and then fry both sides in some oil/butter in a frying pan, well, you're
not eating a burrito that is crispy and delicious, and you're also failing at life.

7
8
Breakfast Sludge by freejumps, shortlink: ebnuh
9
10
Protip by wisd0m
I tried Breakfast Sludge this morning. I am still alive.

I used Post Shredded Wheat ' Bran, very cheap instant coffee ($1.00), Nestle Hot Cocoa Mix, Sweet
Coconut Thai, cinnamon, sugar and whole milk.

Notes:
* The taste was too sweet for me - the hot coco has sugar, so adding additional sugar
is unnecessary.
* The cinnamon is very important. Don't try to drink this without it.
* The Chi that I used added more complex flavors and improved the sludge.
* Why are you waiting, make some sludge.
* Sludge was all I had for breakfast and was satisfying.

Variation by mastertwisted
What a pussy. Did you forget the Irish whiskey, or are you catering to emo bitches? Fuck.

11
12
Bacon Pancake Sandwiches by cannedpasta, shortlink: fxbu7
13

Refried beans and Eggs
by gerbal, shortlink: 8mgtt
- 1/2 can refried beans, purchased from a local
tienda
- 3 eggs scrambled with lime juice (gets rid of
sulfur taste in cheap eggs) and hot sauce
Eat on tortillas, refrigerate what you don’t eat.
Toss in the oven for 15-20 minutes. Remove when
the edges are brown. You can adjust the time
depending upon whether you prefer your eggs hard
or softboiled.
Pop a couple for breakfast. Eat them later, hot or
cold, as snacks. I’ve found that kids love these
things too. They’re cheap, easy, and you can vary
to suit your mood by changing the garnishes and
spices. It’s the Dependable, Vendable Egg!

If you want to run head first to a coronary you can

pan fry the whole thing on the tortilla in butter or Easy Crepes
lard. Delicious.
by scissorsneedfoodtoo, shortlink: 8mgtt
Yummy Shit by various artists

Its what I had for breakfast this morning. Whole meal

came to $.75. Here’s an easy crepe recipe I made this morning:

If you are feeling wealthy you can try adding - 3 eggs

some chopped veggies and cheese, peppers are - 1/2 teaspoon salt
particularly tasty in scrambled eggs. - 2 1/8 cups of flour (just 2 is easier to remember
off the top of my head)
- 2 cups of milk
Dependable Eggs - About a 1/4 cups worth of butter to grease the pan
for all the crepes
by tomparker, shortlink: 8mgtt
Add 2 tablespoons sugar and 1 teaspoon of vanilla
Here’s a fun one: Start with a non-stick muffin tin
recipe for desert crepes.
and a loaf of cheap, soft, white sandwich bread.
Preheat oven to 400. Peel off the crust of a piece of
Mix everything but the butter in a bowl with a
bread and press the remaining square into the muffin
whisk, or just go ahead and use the blender. Let
tin squishing the air out of the sides and the bottom.
the batter sit in the fridge for about an hour before
use to account for the flour expansion and bubble
When you’re done, it should look like a thick cup-
collapse.
cake cup. Repeat until each receptacle on the tin
is lined with a bread-cup with the rough edges left
Then, it’s just a matter of pouring a small ladle’s
fluffy at the tops.
worth in a wide, buttered, non-stick pan over LOW
heat, swirling a pan around to get a thin coat over
Melt a 1/4 stick of butter and brush on the edges of
the surface.
each cup letting the extra drizzle inside. Crack open
and deposit the contents of one medium egg into
Cook the first side for about a minute, flip carefully,
each cup being careful not to let the egg run outside
then add your fillings. Jams, jellies, bananas and
the bread cup.
brown sugar, marshmallows and chocolate, tuna and
cheese, go ahead and get creative.
Sprinkle a little basil on top. Garnish with a torn
piece of sliced ham, crispy bacon, or anything else
Then just fold, flip again if you can, plate, and NOM
you like.
NOM NOM (never typed that before, feels good).

Great tasting, cheap, and really fast if you make the

batter the night before and have your fillings ready
and chopped up if need be.

14
 Lunch

15
16
BruschettaChicken Breast by Airazz, shortlink: fuhfy
17
 Protip by mieksemakse
Don’t forget to turn over the cutting board when cutting some more basil. And use another knife that
did not touch the raw chicken. Or else suffer the consequences [Enteritis Salmonelliosis] or horrible
consequences [Antibiotic resistance].

Variation by Rabid_Llama8
Make the bread ciabiatta bread, remove the cheese, and treat the tomatoes correctly for bruschetta,
and this is dynamite. Or, instead of bread, use whole wheat spaghetti.

Variation by aerosquid
When I think of Bruschetta I do not think of 2 thin slices of white bread. Bruschetta is supposed to be
THICK and grilled at least in my kitchen. I typically use french or italian bread sliced thick.

18
 19
Grilled MotherfuckinCheese by sauceplz, shortlink: fv1mt
 You can double this recipe and make lunch for a
Couscous whole week for about 5 dollars!

by noether, shortlink: a4eto Leftovers freeze pretty well, too.

This can be made in large batches. Ingredients:

- couscous
- knorr chicken broth mix (the powder kind) RamenEgg Noodles
I always eyeball the broth to couscous. look at the by [deleted], shortlink: 8mgtt
water required for both to get a good idea. Mix these
in a tupperware container. - 1 egg
- 1 ramen noodles package
Add any or all of the following: - Optional: some diced onions, diced tomatoes,
and chopped up cilantro. All proportionately.
Some More by these people over here

- pistachios
- cumin
- apricots (cut up) Cook ramen noodles in water, don’t add the
- chili flakes packaged seasoning yet, then drain water.
- raisins
- red lentils Place 1 egg, oil in preheated pan, scramble eggs
- thyme with a quarter of the packaged seasoning (Optional:
- whatever add the onions).

Now all you have to do is take out the amount that
you want and add water. This is good for a quick
lunch to go and is super cheep. Couscous is better
for you than ramen noodles. If making at home,
drizzle with olive oil.
Stir, add the cooked & drained ramen noodles, stir
and sprinkle the rest of the packaged seasoning
(Optional: add the tomatoes and the cilantro as you
stir).
Then finally, nom nom nom....

Lentil Stuff
by Onionhead, shortlink: a4eto

One of my favorites for quick, easy and cheap:

- 1 c dried brown lentils (washed and picked over
for rocks and bad beans)
- 1.5 c chopped tomatoes and juices (canned is
fine),
- 1 c water or stock
- 1 onion, chopped
- 2 tsp minced garlic
- 2 T olive oil
- 1 tsp each ground cinnamon, tumeric, and cumin,
1 bay leaf

Heat oil in a pot, add onion and cook for 5 minutes,

stirring. Add garlic and spices and cook for another
minute. Add lentils, tomatoes, bay leaf, and water or
stock, partially cover and cook, stirring occasionally,
until lentils are tender (25-30 minutes), adding
additional liquid if necessary to prevent burning
(should be saucy rather than soupy).

20
 Dinner

21
 Fuck 98% of the suggestions on here. Be a fucking
man. Don’t mess around with this third world
bachelor bullshit. Women will never respect you
and you’re going to starve to fucking death come the
This is How MenCook by electric_sandwich, shortlink: b7b0w
apocalypse.
This is how MEN cook:
1.
Open a bottle of decent whiskey. Pour yourself 3
fingers over ice. No you may NOT smoke a fucking
joint. Save that shit for dessert.
2.
Pour yourself a new glass of whiskey. Prepare a
mixture of roughly 1/2 stick of butter, lemon zest
(one lemon’s zest) , salt, fresh black pepper (Be a
MAN buy a pepper mill), and some nice well ground
chorizo. (cooked motherfucker! Goya works fine.)
Garam masala powder if you have some. Once the
butter is soft, mix in the rest of yer ingredients. Now
you have a paste.
3.
Work that shit under the skin of yer bird through the
small hole you cut by the ass. Actually, there usually
is a smallish hole there anyway...in that case just
work the skin loose by sticking your fingers in there
and GENTLY prying that shit from the meat. WORK it
in there.
You may have to loosen the skin some with your
fingers or a long plastic thing. DON’t Break the
goddamn skin. What are you some kind of retard?
Just work it in there. Massage it. You can also cut
small holes on the skinny end of each leg and put
some of the mixture in there.
4.
Now, for god fucking sake throw out the nasty shit
they put in the cavity and throw in a few cloves of
crushed peeled garlic, and the lemon you zested
(don’t know how to zest a lemon nancy boy? That’s
what google is for bucko.) cut into quarters.
5.
Pour yourself a new glass of whiskey. So now you
have a bird with some potentially delicious flavors
mingling under the skin. Not a bad start, but do you
really want that shit all slimy and rubbery? No. No
you don’t.
22
DO this: Pat down the skin of that fucker with some
paper towels till it’s fucking dry. Then sprinkle some
fucking baking powder on that fucker. Then sprinkle
some fucking salt and fresh pepper. NOW. Heat up
your goddamn oven to like 350 fucking degrees and
throw that motherfucker in there.
6.
Instead of twiddling your dink while you wait for
the shit to finish, cut up some fucking red bliss
potatoes. and coat those fuckers with olive oil.
Now, (Yes now you fucking lazy fuck what you want
the fucking chicken to burn? God... ) Get yourself
some fucking rosemary, some fucking tarragon, and
some more salt and pepper and throw that shit into a
mortar and pestle and grind the fuck out of it (Jesus
fucking christ, this guy, you don’t have a fucking
mortar and pestle do you? Fuck me. OK just put
the rosemary in your fucking hands and mash it up
until it starts to smell good and breaks into smaller
pieces )
Throw this shit on the potatoes and throw them in
the oven. No, not in the same pan as the chicken
you fucktard- what you want them all covered in
chicken fat? Put them in their own pan. A cast iron
frying pan is perfect.
OK jerkoff, now you can leave this shit sizzling for
awhile and go jack off or play guitar (my suggestion)
or watch BBC World News America (my second
choice) while this shit cooks up.
Rule of thumb: you wanna cook this bastard around
45 minutes per pound, so the internal temperature.
(WHAT? You don’t have a fucking meat thermometer?
Fuck me. Go ask that cute girl with the glasses down
the hall) is around 170. I guess I have to fucking tell
you the right way to measure the temperature? Fine.
Stick the thermometer about halfway into the breast.
Don’t try and do it on a fucking leg you sub literate
moron, those shits are always hotter because they
are fucking sticking straight up. Dumb ass. Don’t
throw the potatoes in till the chicken has 45 minutes
or so left to cook.
OK. Pay attention. This is the kind of shit that most
people won’t tell you: When the bird is like 97
percent done, say when it’s at 160...crank up that
fucking oven to like 425 and stand the fuck back
for at least 15 minutes. You wanna let that sweet,
buttery skin crisp up right? Crank that shit son.
OK, by now that shit is smelling so fucking good
the entire building is droooling and about to call
dominoes because they are too fucking dumb and
self loathing to cook this shit for themselves. Pull
that fucker out of the oven and just look at it. I’ll
bet you would just start immediately carving that
bastard up right? Idiot. You NEED to wait at least
10 minutes before you cut that fucker up otherwise
all the fucking juices are gonna dribble out and sit
there is the bottom of the pan.

There. Cook this for a bitch and she will give you
blumpkins every night of the week for the rest of
your life.

Protip from nevesis

Don't cook internal to 170!!

Take out at 160 in the breast.

It will hit 170 while it rests, and 160 is safe

anyway.

(no one wants that shit dry!)

23
24
ChickenCrunch Wrap Supreme by subx1, shortlink: ful4a
Variation by ImputrescibleUndead
I do this with bacon and scrambled egg and only one wrap folded like an xmas present.

25
26
Motherfucking Quiche by pegothejerk, shortlink: fw117
27
28
29
 Protip by vapulate
Check the pie crusts for cracks before pouring liquid eggs over them and plopping them into the
oven.

30
 31
Chicken Picatta by Simmerian, shortlink: fv3xk
32
SpaghettiCarbonara by by RenegadeDoppelganger, shortlink: g1ilk
33
 Ok, for the sake of clarity, in case some redditors
come fronting with their supposed cooking talents,
but are in fact only home cook housewives hidden
within a bacon smell in order to lure you: I grew up in
restaurant business. My father had three restaurants
in France. One of them visited by a French president
himself. Our restaurant was facing the Louvre and got
free advertising on French national radio because it
Fuck it... Bolognese by [deleted], shortlink: 968bk
was that good.
Later on, I opened a restaurant with a friend in studio
city in Los Angeles that made the Zagat twice. One
time, in 2000, “best personal restaurant in Los
Angeles”, and in 2001, they called us “top notch”.
The present governor of California came on a weekly
basis and may other folks.
Our setting was intimate. Our cuisine was
magnificent. The product we served was hand picked
at three in the morning. We snatched the goods
from big restaurant names because their chefs were
too lazy to do the trip to the early morning markets.
Mexicans filet makers loved us. Fresh vegetables
kept their best in their backrooms for us. We ruled
LA for three years and sold the darn joint in time
before the economic collapse.
Because I love reddit, once a week I will give you
one of our recipe. Fuck you if you want to hate, enjoy
if you find these recipe attractive. These recipe will
need passion and work. Not for the faint of heart.
Oh, also, my grammar sucks, because English is
my second language. So for those grammar Nazi,
please go suck a dick. Here’s my first recipe for you
my dear reddit:
Spaghetti alla Bolognese
The secret of all good French and Italian sauce –
and why you guys get heart burns all the time in the
US – is a good stock. In the US, most restaurant is
fucking you by doing cheap beef stock you wouldn’t
want to see how it is made, so there is may stock:
Veal stock:
Get three big bones of veal. I don’t care how you
find the darn thing. Kill it yourself for all I care, just
get some darn veal bones. Pick a large Aluminum or
stainless steal bowl. Put the bone in it with marrow
showing. Usually neck bones are the best.
34
Add a pinch of rock salt, two tablespoons of your
best olive oil, black pepper grounded coarsely and
fresh thyme. Don’t even read further if the thyme is
not fresh. Just don’t . Forget it. Oh, you have fresh
thyme? OK. You can go on.
Now get some real garlic. Not that “made in China”
shit that composed 90% of what in your supermarket
(I’m not shitting you, 90% of the garlic you find in
your store are now made in China. Half of it grown
with human waste. You can send a nice thank you
letter to the FDA if you wish).
OK, now you have the right fucking garlic. Cut it
nicely like uncle Pauli, meaning super thin. Cut
4 buds. Toss it in the bowl with everything I said
earlier. Watch your fucking hands like you are going
to operate someone. Done? OK. Now mix the whole
thing in the bowl with your hand.
Now set the oven like it is hell inside, 450 F, no
less. Put the content of the bowl in a cast Iron pot
with no enamel, like cowboy style. Put it in the oven.
Cook 35 minutes. The house should smell like an
Italian girl comes in your house and suddenly want
to have sex.
You should stay on this so don’t do anything else
until those bones are done.
OK, now. Peel 4 large carrots, some gorgeous stuffs.
Not the stuff you buy with food stamps. Two nice
leeks. Yeah, the cashier will ask you what the hell
this is, guaranteed, and you’ll tell her, “you know,
there is more than chicken and beef out there!”...
Anyway... cut the leeks along the length and clean
it thoroughly (sand love to stick on those). Two
branches of celery only. Two large white onions,
the kind to make a grown man cry. Cut them only
in half. Half a cup of tomato paste. (the ingredients
should read: “Tomatoes”, and nothing else, no
salt, no sugar, nothing else. Those are out there, I
get them all the time even in the shittiest store; just
learn how to read. Usually they have Italian name.
Just don’t do Heinz). Six whole pepper seeds, two
cloves. A huge bunch of curly parsley, half a lemon
with its skin, half a pound of Crimini/ Italian brown
mushrooms. Fresh fucking thyme, a lot.
Put all this in two gallons of water in a very large
pot. Toss the bone inside with a good piece of
smoke pork belly or a nice piece of bacon (but not
too big as to overpower the veal. Remember, it’s a
veal stock, not a pork stock, ok?). Mix a bit. Boil for
a hour. Simmer for four hours. Kill the fire. Keep the
liquid. Throw everything else. Yes. Do it.
Those vegetables and meats have given to the
liquids everything they had, their taste, their soul,
everything; even if they still look good, they are
pointless to eat. Now your veal stock is ready. You
can save it for two weeks. Beef stock can be saved
a mere four days. Fish stock only two days. Chicken
stock three days top. I know this well: these are the
regulations that if you break them causes the state
inspectors to close your joint!
All right. Now you have your stock that took you a
whole fucking Saturday to do, and you are ready
to have that Italian chick on Sunday for a great
Bolognese and even better sex.
Start with one nice big onion cut in small cubes in
grape seed oil. Not olive oil. Grape seed oil is also
an Italian (and French) thing. It has not cholesterol,
no polyunsaturated fats, and has no taste. So all the
ingredients you cook stays genuine in flavor. It’s
a bit pricey but it kept on going until 400F before
burning. In other words, that oil is from the Gods,
and the US corporate food hates it and never uses it.
So it must be good..
Meanwhile, crush four canned anchovies in a
small bowl. I know you American won’t like it, but
I promise you: you will never feel nor taste it, it’s
just like a natural MSG that, if you don’t tell anyone,
no one will notice, but it does make a hell of a
difference in the deepness of the overall taste. Now
saute the onion in a large, I mean large a pan, 12
inch minimum. The largest the pan is, the more the
water can evaporate and the brown crisp can develop
beautifully everywhere.
Half way until brown put the anchovies with the onion
and mix... yes...i know... it will smell horrendous in
the first minute.. like some bad smelly socks.. full of
ammonia.. ... yes... I know.... but then things starts
to transform and the smell becomes amazing... well,
maybe you’ll find out after a dozen try, anyway.
Now, put your grounded beef, grounded veal and
grounded pork, equal parts. For 4 persons? Try
half a pound of each. If you can’t find ground veal,
do half beef half pork. That’s all right. You will just
miss on something extraordinary, but you can keep
on reading. Anyway, now the fishy smell should be
gone. Toss in it one full garlic clove minced. Mix
well on full fire. Add one full tablespoon of salt,
same with black pepper.
When all the meat seems cooked and the proteins
starts developing into an inconvenient crust at the
bottom it is time for the wine to come singing. Red.
Dry! One full cup to start. OK... I forgot something...
Have this cup of wine hot on the side. You don’t want
to stop the cooking process by pouring cold wine
on the meat! So heat up the wine just 4~5 minutes
before doing this.
Now pour the how wine on the meat and toss a
pinch of coriander in it. The latter kills the taste
of alcohol and leaves the warm taste of the wine
intact. Whatever... just, put a pinch of the darn thing.
Deglaize. Now the wine is almost absorbed, add a
full cup of veal stock. Cover. Cook for 30 minutes.
Open it up. Now it is smelling like fucking heaven
and the Italian girl is really all over you. Hold her up
by pouring more wine in her glass and come back to
the stove. Put your dick on your hear, you’ll smoke
it later. Now, open a big can of magnificent crush
tomatoes and toss it in the sauce. You don’t need
to add more tomato paste (hey, the sauce does not
need to be this fucking “red” like corporate food
wants you to believe. Taste it, you’ll understand)
Mix well. Add a nice bunch of big basil leaves in it.
If you want to add great quality mushrooms, or some
oil infused with it, here’s the time. Cover again. Add
a cube of unsalted butter. Don’t ask why. Cook 20
minutes more on low fire.
Kill the whole thing. Keep it covered. Cooked your
spaghetti the heck you want it to be done. Toss with
the sauce in a way the pasta does not swim in it,
with fresh grated dry Italian cheese on top. Cut some
parley thin and reserve for the final touch on the
plate on top of the cheese. Serve with a burgundy or
a top notch Californian Pinot noir, and Crispy Italian
bread. Have the girl feeding you.
35
 Protip by jupiterjones
These two recipes are bullshit. There are several rookie mistakes listed here. This guy has read high
quality recipes, but does not remember them.

Signs this is bullshit:

- Roast thinly sliced garlic at 450 for 35 minutes? Enjoy your blackened garlic crisps that will make
everything taste bitter and terrible.
- Curly parsley? Seriously? That shit is bullshit. Real cooks and real Italians use flat leafed italian
parsley. You know - the stuff with flavor. Rookie.
- Veal stock with pork in it? Veal stock with tomato paste in it? This stuff goes into the Bolognese
sauce when you're making THAT, not into the stock.
- Half a lemon? Why would you put the bitter-ass lemon pith (the white part) in? If you want the
flavor, juice the lemon and take the rind off and put it in. Rookie mistake.
- Grapeseed oil is great for high temperature roasting or searing, but Bolognese calls for onion
sauteed in olive oil. The flavor of the olive oil matters.
- Coriander? Fuck that.
- Crushed tomatoes? My god. Why all this processed bullshit? You want to spend a day making veal
stock and then you use crushed tomatoes? Get a can or two of real San Marzano tomatoes and run
them through your food mill to get rid of the seeds. Or keep the seeds, I don't care. Just use whole
real tomatoes without that Calcium Chloride shit that makes them keep their shape. Crush those
bitches in your hands (your clean hands) as you put them in.

If anyone is interested in a real recipe that isn’t written by a rookie and actually describes the way
Italians might make it, check out FXcuisine’s Serious Ragù Bolognese. That’s a real recipe.

Protip by rebel
You might want to add that you don’t want your veal stock to ever “boil” completely. 186 tops. This
way your stock won’t be murky and if you need to make double consomme at some point this makes
it easier and a better tasting end product.

BTW, your stock will be on the stove at least 4 hours and up to 6. Chicken stock starts to taste funny
after 4 hours. Beef stock is quite often 5-6 hours.

If you sterilize plastic containers, you may put HOT stock 3/4 the way up the container. Let a layer of
fat, or pour some from the pot, rise to the top, about 1/8 to 1/4 inch. Let come to room temp, gently
stack in freezer. If you don’t have enough fat to “seal”, use olive oil, butter, or rendered washed lard
(made at home, not the store bought), melted duck fat, etc. Once frozen this will last theoretically
forever, but for best taste a few months. A chest freezer a loads of quart and pint sized containers is
ideal. The fat layer can be removed if you desire during thawing process.

36
 37
MF’n Eggrolls by Sucka27, shortlink: fz712
38
39
 Take a lesson from the Puerto Ricans. Millions
of us have managed to survive in one of the most
expensive cities on earth with recipes like this:
Find a supermarket that has black beans on sale.Buy
as much as you can. Then buy 5 or so pounds of
Carolina rice, a bag of onions, a few bulbs of garlic,
Pernil & Tostones by electric_sandwich, shortlink: cidla
and a box of Goya Sazon.
Set 2 cups of water to boil. Dick around on reddit
until the water is boiling. Throw in one cup of rice,
turn the heat down to simmer and lid that shit. Slice
up a small onion. Smash up a clove of garlic. Throw
some olive oil or butter into a HOT pan. Throw the
onions and garlic into the pan and fry them till the
onion gets glassy. Throw some salt in there. Grind
some pepper in there for good luck. Toss in half a
packet of Sazon and stir till you get a paste. Now
you have a ghetto sofrito.
Dump in your can of beans bean juice and all. Stir
that shit up. Add a pinch of Cayenne pepper so you
remember that you have a set of cojones. Set that
shit on simmer. Your rice is done. Throw the beans
on top.
Win.
You should get at least 2 meals out of one can of
beans, and if your lucky you can get black beans 2
for $1. Adding the cost of the Garlic, Sazon and a
small onion and you still eat a tasty, hearty, relatively
healthy meal for less than $1.
Now. You are a growing lad. You need MEAT
OK, first of all, fuck eating lips and assholes. There
is a much, much tastier option that has kept millions
of starving boriquas alive for generations: PORK
SHOULDER.
In my neighborhood in Brooklyn, Pork shoulder is
79 cents a pound. That’s right. 79 cents. A package
of hot dogs at $2.50 is more than double the price
and has offal and all sorts of vile shit inside.
Buy yourself a nice meaty pork shoulder. 5 lbs
should do nicely. Bring that fucker home and get out
a long, thin knife.
In a pilon (that’s a mortar and pestle gringo) smash
up a few cloves of Garlic, some sazon, some, salt,
some pepper, and some oil. Grind it up GOOD. Now
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you have another ghetto sofrito.
Take your knife and stab some holes in the pig. Twist
the knife around so the holes get nice and wide.
Now, take some of your sofrito and stuff it into the
holes. Don’t be shy blanco, ram it in there. Use the
remainder to roughly coat the outside of the pig.
RUB IT. CARESS IT. This pig died so that you may
eat. Salt that shit all over the outside and crack
some fucking pepper on there.
Set your oven for ~300 degrees. Throw the pork
in skin side up and WAIT. It’s going to take like 45
minutes a pound...
A warning: The smell is going to drive you fucking
INSANE. You have to wait this part out. Farm work is
the best cure.
After an an hour and a half, jab it with a meat
thermometer, but remember to not rest it on the
bone, or you will get a bad reading.
You should be at around 150-160 degrees. Now
comes the fun part. CRANK the stove up to 400
degrees. This will give you an orgasmic, crispy skin
that will make your pork rinds taste like year old
carboard comparison.
At 170 ish? Pull that fucker out, but DON’T carve it
up. You need to wait at least ten minutes otherwise
all those sweet, sweet pig juices will dribble the
fuck out. WAIT.
Congratulations. You just made Pernil. A five pound
Pernil should give you meat for at least a week.
SAVOR IT BROTHER. SAVOR IT
Edit: Forgot the best and cheapest fucking recipe!!!
TOSTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck me. Green plaintains are usually like 5 for a
fucking dollar! Here’s my mom’s recipe:
Fry up some bacon. Set the bacon aside and save
that lovely, glistening fat. Take a plantain and run
a knife down the side and split the skin off without
breaking the plantain. This takes a bit of practice.
Slice up the plantain into ~1/3 inch thick slices.
Throw them into a bowl of ice water.
You have a fry daddy? You’re golden papi. No? Pour
around half an inch of oil into a frying pan. Corn oil
works best, olive oil smokes too easily. Get that shit
hot! Throw in your bacon grease.

Take your sliced up plantains out of the ice water

and drain them or even pat them with a paper towel
till they’re dry.

Fry em up until they just turn golden. Throw them in

the freezer for 10 minutes.

Now, here is where you become a MAN: Get yourself

a flat bottom glass and a cutting board or a plate.
Throw some flour on there. Smash the plantains
with the cup. You may need a spatula to get them
off the board...

Fry em AGAIN until they are golden and crispy

Make all three of these things together and you have
an incredibly delicious and cheap meal!

Photo’s by Shipyaad

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MotherTruckin’ Ribs, Bitches by Sucka27, shortlink: g4ksb
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Best Steak I Ever Made by Sucka27, shortlink: fuhw2
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Chicken Flied Lice! by bambooshootz, shortlink: fwwr5
Protip by flynnski
That is a *fuckton* of garlic. Not that I disapprove, but if you’ve got no conception of how much
garlic is enough, this is “Too Much.” :D

Variation by Jace11 and bambooshootz

Is it safe to assume that if i want pork fried rice, i can just substitute chicken for pork? Yes. And
change whatever you want. Always cook whimsically! It makes your food much better when you feel
it!

Variation by ingotanarchist
You can also substitute chicken with spam and have yourself a delicious Hawaiian delicacy :D

Variation by bambooshootz
I guess you could add a couple of diced carrots. And I think maybe fish sauce and lime juice is more
of a thai thing. But whatevs, it’s some tasty shit!
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 I hate cooking and can’t cook worth a damn, but I
Shepherd’s Pie made delicious shepherd’s pies. They’re incredible.
Don’t eat them too many meals in a row or
by [deleted], shortlink: a4eto shepherd’s pie loses its magic.
There are many recipes available, but even this very
simple one is delicious:
Potato Hobo Pack
- 1.5lb ground beef (I used 93/7, 90/10 is good but
don’t get 80/20 imo) by [deleted], shortlink: a4eto
- 1.5 packets of instant gravy (the powder kind
Dinner Instructions by some internet people

where you mix in water to make it yourself) Buy frozen, diced potatoes with chopped peppers
- 1 bag of mixed veggies (I used peas/corn) already included in the bag. Pour some of the
- 1 box of instant mashed potatoes (100% natural, potatoes onto a piece of tin foil. Add half a stick of
taste good, lasts like 3 of these pies) butter, desired seasonings, and (this is important)
about half a cup of beer on top. Close up the tin foil
Drop the beef in a pan, you don’t need any butter so it is a self-contained steamer.
or oil, the fat melts and the beef cooks in it (this
is why you don’t get 80/20, it becomes a soggy Set oven to broil, cooking time varies with load,
mess). Once the beef is THOROUGHLY cooked (beef but usually about 25 minutes. They taste fucking
carries lots of germs and crap, take your time and outstanding, and since potatoes are very high on the
cook for a while over low heat even if you think it’s satiety index, they fill you up. Also, you can get a
done, cooking over low heat won’t dry it out like bag of diced potatoes for like $2, and one bag will
high heat). make at least three meals.

While you’re waiting for that to finish, defrost the Addition of vegetables and other stuff is optional - I
peas/corn. I just put them in a bowl with warm water, like to think that’s what the beer is for, but that’s just
and put ‘em through a colander when they weren’t me.
frozen anymore. Also make the mashed potatoes.

Get a pan. I used something like a 13” by 8” and Drunken Tacos

it made pretty good pie. Spread the beef along the
bottom. Pour in gravy, spread it. My girlfriend and by mdeckert, shortlink: 8mgtt
I added a little bit of asiago cheese, expensive but
fucking good. Then put a layer of your peas/corn. Cook some onions and garlic in oil a bit, add fatty
Then spread your mashed potatoes over the top, and ground beef and lots of chopped hot peppers,
maybe sprinkle some cheese over them. Put it in a salt and pepper (plus chives and fresh herbs and
400 degree oven for like half an hour. whatever other crap is in the garden that seems
reasonable). Fry it real hot.. toss in some 1/4”
It’s delicious. It lasts many meals... the above makes cubed potatoes and keep frying.
at least six solid servings for about $15, and
some of these ingredients (like the box of mashed Make sure you’re pretty drunk so you forget to turn
potatoes) are reusable. But the BEST part is: - You the fucker at some point and pretty much burn some
CANNOT fuck this up. Seriously. of the meat. Mix that shit in.. tastes awesome.

You have other veggies? Throw them in. Chicken Yougurt with cucumbers, cheese, tomatoes, and
instead of beef? Cook it up, throw it in. Chicken them other toppins are good. And deep fry them god
gravy with ground turkey? No problem. Got a damn tortilas into greasy crispy shells. Yeah bitch,
different kind of cheese? Put it in. You can make yeah. Drunken tacos are the shiznit.
this stuff in any order, it doesn’t matter. The recipe
is EXTREMELY flexible with adding different things,
modifying it, cooking things for different amount of
time, you seriously CANNOT fuck this up.

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 Snacks

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 Freaking Phenomenal Brownies by thenerdening, shortlink: g2fy7

Agghh...ok. I don't know how to do the conversions. One stick [of butter] is eight tablespoons,
or 1/2 a cup. There's one cup of butter in the recipe. Four sticks make a pound. Does that help?
edit: This recipe will not work with tub butter or low fat butter, because the consistency will be all
wrong...it has to be the kind wrapped in foil or paper.
I should have mentioned that the time depends on your oven. I've made these in half an hour in
some ovens, and more like 40-45 minutes in others. They do continue cooking when you take them
out of the oven...technically you're supposed to let them cool completely before you cut them, but
52
then what's the fun of putting ice cream on a cold brownie?
Variation by bioguy741
I just made it, but I replaced the 2 tbsp of
cocoa with 1 tbsp cinnamon, and I used three
tbsp butter instead of the oil. SO fucking good.

Variation
by andersonimes

MicrowaveCake by ontology, shortlink: ftitn

Tip: This is a little chewy as-is. Substitute half
of the flour with wheat flour. Much softer and
more cakey. Plus... you know... more fiber?

Edit: whole wheat flour is what I meant.

Protip by blizzard30
3 minutes on 1000W, seems like. 3 minutes
and 40 secs for 800

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 Snow IceCream Bitch by theVulture, shortlink: fupt4

Variation by tsumnia
At least where I’m from you want to get freshly fallen snow, not stuff scooped into a bowl (have a
bowl outside overnight). I do this every year and love it.

Correction by TheVulture
Yeah just realized I put the wrong picture on there for panel 3. It’s still yummy though.

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Rainbow Fucking Brownies by subx1, shortlink: fukv4
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Variation by beastmole
Put peanut m&ms in them.

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Bacon Cinnamon Rolls by ibrewbeer, shortlink: fumtj
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Frosting forYour Fucking Cake by Kaielll, shortlink: ftmgl
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Lemon Squares -Without Words by Tipps, shortlink: futgs
Words by GavinMcGimpsey
1. Finely crumble two cups of graham crackers, and mix with one cup of melted butter and one cup
of sugar.

2. Put the mixture into a glass baking dish and spread evenly across the bottom, all the way to the
edges. Pack down using the back of a measuring cup.

3. Place the baking dish in an oven heated to 350º F (175º C) and bake for fifteen minutes.

4. Beat four eggs until smooth.

5. Mix two cups sugar, a quarter cup flour, and a teaspoon baking powder. Stir mixture into eggs.

6. Stir in one half cup fresh squeezed lemon juice.

7. Pour the lemon batter into the baking dish, spreading evenly. Bake at 350º F (175º C) for half an
hour.

8. Not on the chart, but it's necessary: Using a shaker, sprinkle the top of the lemon bars with
powdered sugar until lightly coated.

Note: cooling isn't taken into account; I'd imagine you want to let the dish cool before adding the
sugar and cutting into bars.

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Spread recipe by japaneseknotweed, illustrated by pled, shortlink: fuuxu
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 Protip by japaneseknotweed
Wow... be careful what you ask.

OK, three technical things -

1) not too much of the honey/walnuts. If anyone takes the picture literally, they'll end up with sludge,
which will ooze off of the cracker and onto your/her clothes. You won't care because you're a guy and
guys are pigs, but she's wearing something nice and will hate you and then you won't get laid.

2) mix the stuff in gently, otherwise the cohesiveness of the yogurt/cheese will break down and you'll
get sludge and see above.

3) you need some sort of 24 hour time-elapse between go away and come back (otherwise, that bit's
REALLY good). That stuff needs to drain for ages.

And then one social/emotional values commentary:

The feed-her-your-dick pic is a little blatant. Half of the attraction is what's left unsaid; the way
people imagine blowjobs is actually about 100 times less awkward/more graceful/more powerful and
visually compelling than the way we look when we're actually doing it.

I mean, oral sex in the mind is this sensuous sculpture of intertwined lips and limbs, right? While
oral sex IRL, either way, looks like an awkward partially-evolved quadruped with its pale butt in the air
trying to stuff some weird deep-sea creature in it's mouth, right?

Also, if any guy tried to "feed me his dick" w/out me offering to taste it first myself, I'd bite that sucker
off. Whereas, if a guy gave me a nice glass of wine and a cheese/cracker tray and told me he'd made
it just for me, I might just offer.

Finally, as an author, I liked the original two-tier structure: cheese gets you laid, organic ingredients
upgrade you to a blow job too. So I kinda miss that option. But most authors have issues with what
their editors/art departments do, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Oh, and PS: you get MAJOR points for having cheesecloth in the house. Hell, I didn't even BOTHER
with that first time around, figured no one on /r/ would know.
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ffffffuuuuuuudge by ontology, shortlink: ftj1k
 The End
go and make some fucking food
you lazy asshole

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