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Disclaimer:
Any and all events in this ‘newspaper’ are fake/false. Regardless of us stating this very clearly, there are some people who believe that the earth is flat, that the moon landing
was faked, or that Adolf Hitler has been reincarnated as Adoph In (A dolphin). These are all unavoidably false, as is this ‘newspaper.’ We implore you to attempt
understanding that these stories are absolutely false, and that no matter in them is real. Also, there may be stereotypes in this ‘newspaper’ that some may take offense of; please
disregard them, as this is a comedy fake newspaper. If you insist on believing in these events, we encourage you to see a psychiatrist. Thank you.

World War Beverage? 

Authors of Article: Shawn Kim and Seth Raphael
Edited by: Lawrence Zhang and Zachary Trost
WALNUT CREEK, CA—On Friday, The Times received an interesting yet mysterious report from eighth grader Osian Carlisle,
who called to inform us that the somewhat dysfunctional vending machine (which only dispensed water), near the girls’ bathroom in the
cafeteria hallway of the local public school, Walnut Creek Intermediate, had just assaulted his friend, Scheherazade Brentwood. He took
multiple photos, and we were shocked to see a half water bottle, half human object we could only assume was Miss Brentwood. Mister
Carlisle, who evidently was Miss Brentwood's boyfriend, was in hysterics by the time we had arrived at the scene. When we reached the
vending machine, we found that Miss Brentwood had been entirely transformed into a water bottle, and that Mister Carlisle was drinking
out of her in his misery. We separated the two and started to investigate, and what we found was incredible.

As you know, the United States of Aquafina and the Soda-et Union have been at the brink of World War Beverage (WWB). From
the looks of the trap that Miss Brentwood had sprung, we safely concluded that the Soda-et Union had rigged the machine to activate a
water bottle transformation machine. This complicatedly comprisably constructed concoction of congregated cardboard cataract
confirmation scans the organism that triggered it and replaces every atom of the creature with equally proportionate atoms necessary to
create a perfectly scaled water bottle. The machine has promptly been stamped with the logo of the Soda-et Union, classifying it as
weaponry and strictly illegal in the United States of Aquafina. When we managed to get a call through to the Soda-et Union with the special
vodka square hotline later that day, they firmly denied that they had ever been involved in the scheme. Later investigation tells us that,
though the government had denied it, the Soda-et Union had been attempting to frame the USA for this dastardly crime. Meanwhile, if the
Soda-et Union has mass-produced the machines and installed them in multiple areas, then we could potentially have a problem. The US
government is trying to fix this, but in the meantime, stick to your kitchen sink

Geese Take Legal Action

Author of Article: Seth Raphael
Edited by: Lawrence Zhang and Shawn Kim
WALNUT CREEK, CA—On October 27, 2018, we received a report from The Creek telling us that a band of geese had just
savagely attacked and injured a student in their care. They were very worried, for most insurance policies don’t include GCD (Goose
Collateral Damage), and Geese Attack is not a registered sickness in the CDC. When we arrived at the scene, our car was instantly
surrounded by 7 geese, all honking furiously at us. We quickly called the local translator, who deciphered what the geese were saying. “Ze
Geeze are zaying zat ze keedz at thiz school keep attempting to capture ze geese and eat zem for lunch. Zay say thiz is a horrible crime, and
iz most frustrating to deal wiz. Ze geeze want peaze for all and juzt protect their own kindz. Zo pleaze, don’t eat ze geeze. Alzo, zay are
highly togzic, meaning all kidz ingezt geeze turn into geeze.” Now, it would appear that he just said that the chickens smell like falafel and
want to shave his mustache. Also, the kids keep hugging the chickens, damaging their feathers. And furthermore, the chickens are highly
intelligent, meaning that they can and will cook themselves and feed you. Please don’t accept their food. What this all has to do with geese, I
don’t know. We need a new translator. Now, it would appear that the kids at The Creek are undergoing some kind of transformation… Oh
my god! Where’d they go? All I see are geese! Wow! These kids must be doing magic! I can’t wait to see the talent show! Oh, wait, the
translator is saying something. “Ze kidz are now geeze! Pay attenzion! Theze reporterz are idiot!” Now, after that lively rendition of
multiple broadway songs, we are done reporting this incident. Times Central, out! “But wait! We haven’t zeen ze kidz! They are ze ge-”
“Nonsense! I brushed my teeth this morning! Don’t you dare say otherwise!” This translator was deemed unworthy and was promptly fired.
A later issue was reported; see ​Geese Rebellion at Hand!
 Geese Rebellion at Hand
 
Author of article: Shawn Kim
Edited by: Seth Raphael
WALNUT CREEK, CA—Live from The Times, on October 16, Times reporters witnessed several WCI Oligarchy Military
Officials hurling various objects into the Creek to attempt to control the ongoing problem of various avian animals living our water source.
When one fellow lieutenant chucked an apple into the Creek and severely injured several peaceful geese protesters, this set off the COAC,
or Confederation of Avian Creatures. Later that day, several air-raids were seen severely damaging the Quadrilateral (in contrast to the
Pentagon) and several employees. The WCI Oligarchy deemed that:
“The COAC will ​not ​receive ​any mercy if this behaviour continues. If these tensions persist, we will have no choice but to declare utter and
irreversible ​war​. The Creek is ​strictly in WCI territory; we will not have ruffians and uncivilized governments attempting to capture o​ ur
land.​ ”
The COAC promptly responded by taking several students hostage, including Hanz Muport, Sam Augustine, and Jonah Harrow. It was
revealed later that evening by a drunk duck ambassador (Mista Qwuackz) attending a peaceful meeting that, “​Ze duchks chave ckilled ze
Humanz! Whoorchay!” It was explicitly publicized that after, the duck ambassador (​“Arschloch!”​) had been “...found in a state of
untraceable and mysterious death.” The WCI Military also noted that a few other protesters had been found “...mysteriously dead, similarly
looking to the death of Mista Qwuackz, very strangely… we were befuddled *​cough cough CoUgHH*​.” The WCI Oligarchy also notes that
the WCI Military has the powers to cause that sort of death, though “... ​we… ​ didn’t… do it.” President Donald Duck says that they are “...
manufacturing ​Geese Incendiary Bombs t​ hat may or may not be used on the WCI Military. If WCI does not back down, we will have ​no
choice but to detonate it at an area of greatest destruction!​”
Eventually, the debate spiraled into a full blown declaration of war. The complete declaration can be found below; see: ​Declaration of
War.​ The head of the COAC, goose Webby Qvwack-a-Honcksz, launched a full-scale ​Geese Incendiary Bomb Raid around 3:15, October
17th, only to find that one very disgruntled custodian and some apples were the only victims to her raid. The next day, a couple of beach
chicken (seagull) allies to the COAC raided the school’s main fields, but due to a maintenance issue, the beach chickens did not function
properly, and only one beach chicken with one SeagullPoopBomb was deployed. Though only one bomb was deployed and successfully
detonated, SeagullPoopBombs are one of the world’s deadliest and most easily set-off forms of artillery, due to the fact that beach chickens
are also one of the most explosive and easily set. The resulting explosion, however, did cause some impairment in the surrounding students,
ranging from missing appendages to 10 hairs missing. In future raids, please proceed to the nearest bomb shelter. These are conveniently
placed every ten centimeters, enough for everyone to have a personal one (also enough for every human to just BARELY squeeze in; we’re
rationing here!). Simply scream, and all shelters will open. Once inside, do not exit the small yet secure premises until the message that
everything is safe is broadcasted over the loudspeakers. This has been ~The Times~; we bid you a safe and happy day.

Squires Vs. Griffins in Afeludybltball!

Author of Article: Seth Raphael
Edited by: Lawrence Zhang and Shawn Kim
WALNUT CREEK, CA—At WCI, at 7:16 pm, the WCI Squires played the Foothill Griffins in an intense game of Afeludybltball. Live at
the scene, Frank Welston reports, “Here we are, at the most intense game of the season, Squires vs. Griffins! And… they begin! The referee
drops the puck, and the third baseman starts yelling like a madman, ‘Foul! Foul!’ The umpire walks over and takes the stick from the goalie,
who is given a two minute major for roughing. Now, they resume again, passing through the air gracefully from stick to stick, then
slamming the ball into the net with amazing agility. They score!! Squires go for the field goal… They miss! I can’t believe it! The easiest in
history, and they let it go way out of the ballpark. Now, the Griffins have the ball, they’re returning every hit with a vicious swing from the
racket, they win the point! Score is now 6 to love. Now, the Squires take possession once again, they start swimming down the grassy field
at breakneck speed! They do a flip-turn and continue skating down the court! Just look at them go! Aaand… The Squires make the winning
touchdown! They are victorious!!!!”

What is Afeludybltball?
If you do not know what Afeludybltball is, kindly crawl out of whatever refrigerator you are hiding under. (And why are you hiding under a
refrigerator anyways?) Afeludybltball is a fun game that involves every kind of sport ever made. This ball however, is no ordinary ball. It is
the one and only Afeludybltball! This ball is special, as it is imported from the fourth dimension, and it resembles a normally dodecahedron.
It exhibits unusual behavior sometimes, such as morphing into a tetrahedron, octahedron, icosahedron or the rarest form, a
rhombicosidodecahedron​. Sometimes, if you kick it too hard, it disappears altogether, into the fourth dimension, and you will be inclined to
call Afeludybltball retrieval. When they appear, kindly yell at them to retrieve the ball, and they will unhappily and blissfully oblige. When
they return, make sure to thwap (Official Afeludybltball term) the team back to the fourth dimension as quickly as physics will allow.
 Food Fight Breaks Out 
 
Author of Article: Seth Raphael
Edited by: Shawn Kim
WALNUT CREEK, CA—There was a food fight break out in the cafeteria. This was discovered when a custodian walked into the office
with 7 pounds of food on his body. He resigned immediately after being cleaned off and collecting his insurance. Several were injured, as
the cafeteria food is military grade and can leave serious bruises if used as a projectile. Also, when broken open, it can leave odors capable
of knocking anyone in the vicinity senseless for up to 15 minutes, which caused several head injuries. Police are investigating to find any
traces of who started the fight, and they have several leads. They think that some Geese may have committed an unprovoked act of
aggression, started the fight, and escaped. The Police will soon be interrogating each of them. We are assured that the culprits will be
apprehended as quickly as possible. When they find out who has committed this crime, they will have them flogged, beaten and whipped to
the WCI Oligarchy’s satisfaction. Then, if they are not yet deceased, they will be freed to live out the rest of their days in prison. If they
are… at least we have Allstate! We’re in somewhat acceptable hands.

Judge’s Verdict: Vines Declared Heretical!

 
Author of Article: Seth Raphael
Edited by: Shawn Kim
WALNUT CREEK, CA—Arnold Shmendrickson declared during math class, when the teacher playfully asked what they watched on
YouTube, that he absolutely loved vines. The teacher immediately called the principal, a substitute for the time being, and reported the
incident. The principal, mortified about the incident at her school, called the head of state and asked what to do. The head of state responded
by saying it was too big a job for him to handle, and promptly contacted the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court’s, completely unbiased,
amazingly fair ruling was that he should be hung for heresy. Live at the scene before the hanging, Gefy Freptun reports him stating, “I’m not
ashamed of what I’ve done. I’ll watch vines ‘till the end,” to which the Supreme Court responded by voting on the matter of his hanging
being 7 hours earlier than planned, which received the only ever unanimous vote by Democrats, Republicans, and Third Party Planners
alike. Shmendrickson died with no regrets in his mind, only sad that no one else in the world watched vines.

Sudoku

2 3 4 5 6 7 8

4 5 6 7 8 1 2

7 8 1 2 4 5 6

2 3 4 5 7 8 1

6 7 8 1 2 3 4

8 9 2 3 4 5 7

3 4 5 6 1 2

6 8 9 1 2 3 4 5

9 2 3 4 5 7 8
*There may be some mishaps ​because we haphazardly slapped numbers in there when we felt like it, shut up.​ even though we inserted the
numbers in there according to a highly scientific and mathematical algorithm designed specifically for us with hand-picked numbers from a
high-tech supercomputer by a graduate of Harvard, MIT, and USC.
 Cooking 
Author of recipes: Seth Raphael
Author of reviews: ​Shawn Kim and Lawrence Zhang​ Real Customers, Not Hired Actors!
Rock Bread
Our recipe of the week, here at Times Central, is the Rock Bread. ​Here’s how it’s made. First, get your ingredients. Hmmmm… ah!
Yes! I found them. So, you take 3 cups of flour, the quarter cup of salt, and the 7 tablespoons of baking powder, and you mix it all together
in a blender. Then, you put in the eggshells (make sure not to include any yolk or white), and blend it up again until the eggshells are
thoroughly mixed in. Now, pour all of that into a large bowl, and slowly deposit in the two cups of vegetable oil. Now, put this concoction
onto the stove on high for 2 minutes. When you have done that, put in your day old ‘bread’ crumbs, just as a little add-on. Now, stick it in
the oven, and wait until it is more or less a rock. Then, when it is just right, take it out and feed it to your friends and family. Watch now as
our friend Carl tries it. And, he has done it! He has eaten the Rock Bread! How’d you like it? Carl? Carl? Answer me!!!! I’m afraid that…
Carl is no longer with us as a result of the rock bread. (Cue national anthem). Feed it to all your friends and relatives today!

Reveiws:
★★★★☆ ​Vonderful! Vould ahgain buy for kill ze people!
Ze rock bread iz amazing! We invite over ze peoplez to azzazzinate, and we feed zem ze rock bread! Only complaint iz zee recipe don’t
make enough of ze rock bread.
-Hired assassin

★☆☆☆☆ ​Deed noit vork like did on phonograph. I vant ze money back guarantee!
Iz not vorking. I try in 1917 to murder zee Razzputin but not vork. You need more zee hard rocks. Ve shoot in zee head because not vork
and dump in reever.
-​Felix Yusupov

★☆☆☆☆ ​Incertiore consequitur! Sperans aliquid quod non occidas me, potentius est aliquantum facilius atque expeditius erat
autem ... dolorem!
Non opus est. Qui Caesaris morte occideret nos. Fuit nuntius et voluit brevi-Conscidisti.

Translation:
It did not work. We had to stab Julius Caesar to death. It was messy and we wanted a short-cut.
-Brutus

Chocolate Moose
1. Travel to Alaska to collect moose, or have one delivered by UPS or other means of transport.
2. Meanwhile, melt chocolate in very large double boiler.
3. Keep warm.
4. Tie up moose with rope. Lash tightly. Be warned, if the moose is full-grown, it may choose to retaliate.
5. Holding the moose by the tail, or if you are weak, a crane (any kind of crane works, animal or metal), and carefully dip the moose in
melted chocolate, covering it completely with a thin coating.
6. Arrange moose attractively on large platter and refrigerate for 2 days to set chocolate. Be careful though; the moose is fragile.
8. Remove rope, wash to remove chocolate, if necessary, and return rope to clothesline.
9. Garnish chocolate moose with Cool Whip and top with a cherry.
10. Serve immediately.
11. An alternative option is to just chew on the rope, which may be tastier.

Reviews:
★☆☆☆☆ ​Disgusting. Would not buy again. ​My children had to be sent to the ER because they contracted Dracunculiasis from the
moose. It apparently had be a host to the parasite. They couldn't go to school for six weeks because of it! They were so ​happy​ disappointed!
You need to fumigate it first!
- John

★★★★★ ​Best tasting recipe ever!

Great recipe! I had trouble getting the moose because the Earth is FLAT, obviously! I was able to obtain a moose from a local
pharmaceutical corporation.
-Mark Sargent, leader of the International Flat Earth society.
 Ice Cubes
Another great recipe that we here at ~The Times~ definitely recommend, the Ice Cubes. It is a great meal; it’s gluten-free, fat-free, vegan,
and has absolutely 0 calories! For this recipe, you will need exactly 2 cups of water. Now, put your water in the ice tray of your freezer. If
desired, you may add 2 teaspoons of additional water for extra flavoring. Now, let it sit in your freezer for 4 to 6 hours, and then take it out
and enjoy a wonderfully healthy, though perhaps a bit cool, meal.

Reviews:
★★★★★ ​Wonderful recipe! So delicious that whenever I eat it, it doesn’t feel filling at all!​I absolutely ​adore​ the ice cubes! When
you want the perfect meal, not too tasteful, or filling, or really solid at all, just make the ice cubes! It was so good that my kids went to bed
craving so much more, that’s how good it was! Or, maybe it was because it isn’t really food at all, and they were still starving, but let’s
overlook that option.
-Fanmeet Plintron, mother of 34

★★★★☆ ​Cold, but good.​Tastes wonderful, but you need to heat it to become drinkable. Tastes like water. My friend thinks drinking
liquids postpones death but doesn’t prevent it. A natural pessimist! So I gave her the ice cubes. Delicious!
-Gerald Alfred Johnston III
 

EMERGENCY ALERT FOR YOUR EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM

MANAGER

If you are not receiving this message, please activate your television, computer, or any other messaging system immediately.
Severe cases of Quercus lignum Morbi infectiosi(Infectious Oak Tree Disease) have been
reported around your area. To be safe, please take the following precautions. If you already
have QLMI, please follow the post-precaution instructions. QLMI is a highly infectious
disease that starts when a special type of oak tree (usually the Black Squirrel Fir) releases
its seeds through the wind. This happens only every 2,000,000 years, because Black Squirrel
Firs have a lifespan of up to 500,000,000,000 years. Its seeds are so ultramicroscopic and
hardy, that they can travel down the esophagus and sprout there if firmly lodged into the
windpipe. If you are not already doing so, take cover where there is ​absolutely n
​ o​ air​,
especially near B.S.Fs. If you already have QLMI, follow the instructions below to ensure
that the tree is having a healthy symbiosis with you and is not going to take over your body
and make you a tree-puppet (this issue has caused the Puerto Rican government a lot of
trouble; we would not like to have the same).
1. Make sure to consume a lot of water, more than the usual amount, in order to have
a healthily growing tree.
2. Regularly clip and prune your tree once every two months, or as recommended by a
veterinarian (yes, a veterinarian, you are symbiosing organisms, but the oak tree
isn’t human, and botanists don’t cover symbiosing plants).
3. If there is a time when your tree partner sprouts fruit, make sure always to pick
and/or kill them, in order not to endanger the rest of the human race with more
Black Squirrel Fir seeds.
4. Maintain a stable and easy-going symbiosis; remember, you can stand up to your
B.S.F. when it is trying to take over your body. Simply tell the principal, a
teacher, or a police official.
We hope these steps help you to be a healthy symbiosing person and protect you from getting
further maladies; keep and consult this guide 2,000,000 years later.
-WCI Oligarchy; Public Health & Safety Department-
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM
THE WCI OLIGARCHY PUBLIC HEALTH & SAFETY DEPARTMENT, WE BID YOU A
SAFE AND HAPPY DAY.