HOW HIS MIND PLAYS TRICKS

Shut down, the term he uses every time his thoughts were eating
him up. Most times he knew what causes the; a bad day at school, family
problems, he made his special person mad/sad, he remembers a nightmare
from his past, when he overthinks about a very small thing and loses control.
Those days are manageable, he would simply hide from the world, watch a
movie, read his favorite book, listen to his favorite songs, or stare at his
beloved’s pictures.

But there are days, DARK DAYS when no matter how hard he thinks
about what caused it he could not figure it out. Without a reason, he
becomes mad, and his mind won’t stop him from seeing the world in
complete darkness. How does he feel? How does he see the world as dark
place? Let me try to enlighten you.

LADDER, he sees a ladder so high that it reaches past the clouds. He

sees himself climbing, and as he gets higher, the skies are filled with dark
clouds. Then as he goes higher, rain starts to fall. He looks up not seeing the
end of the ladder as it goes beyond the clouds, he looks down and all he sees
is death if his hands get tired and decides to let go, so he kept climbing up.
Then he hears thunder as it rumbles after lightning strikes just a few meters
away from him. He starts to worry as lightning continues to strike inches
away from him, he fears that at any time he might be struck down by it. But
as he looks up one again disregarding his worries, he finally sees a platform,
finally the end of his climb, he tells himself. All his effort would then be
rewarded, his determination to keep climbing disregarding his fear of the
lightning and of falling to his death would now end. Then all of a sudden he
hears thunder rumbles again, this time it was too loud that his hearing was
numb for a few seconds and then he was falling, the platform was struck
down by lightning and the ladder he was climbing was destroyed and now he
finds himself falling, and with that he accepts that what comes next was his
certain death.

WOMAN/QUEEN, this time he sees himself sitting in an empty dark

room. Without windows or doors, just four walls a ceiling and a floor. As he
sees himself sit in one of the corners, a woman the changes her form every
time he encounters her would appear in the middle of the dark room. He
fears this woman, regardless who she may look like, how she speaks and
what she asks him to do makes him tremble, because no matter who this
woman would appear as she acts as if she was a queen and him as her
pawn. As the woman approaches him, he attempts to scream for help, but
with no luck since no voice came from his mouth. The woman laughs, “you’re
not allowed to speak unless I tell you to remember?” she sits in front of him
patting his head, “now tell me what’s wrong and how you end up being
locked away with me again?” she asked. Tears would then start pouring from
his eyes.

“Cry it out for now I won’t stop you, but later on after your tears run out let’s
go and make that person suffer from making you like that.” She said, she
snaps her fingers and then four faceless men would appear in the room.

“Kill them.” She whispers in my ear.

“Yes, your majesty.” He replied

The four men would charge towards him, but he would face them without
any fear and hesitation would put them down one at a time. And afterwards
he would then sit down in grief, as he was surrounded by four lifeless bodies.
He would then realize what the woman asked him to do.

“Now don’t sit there blaming me, I merely told you what you do, but you
were still the one who broke their necks, you were still the one that killed
them, and isn’t it what you wanted to all these time?” she said

“No” he replied
“Didn’t you want to kill every person you hate, admit it every once in a while
you fear of losing control but deep down you want to lose control, you want
to release the monster inside you and wreak havoc towards the world. It’s
your deepest darkest desire is it not?” she added.

Then four faceless men would appear and again he will kill them, with
different methods every time. Sometimes the woman would hand him
weapons to make in more interesting for her, and she would simply clap or
laugh when she is amused by his methods. And this cycle would go on and
on until he was too tired to see it happen in his mind or until he falls asleep.

GHOULS. This time he would often see whenever he fails at

something. (Tokyo ghoul reference) He see himself as a ghoul investigator
(human who hunts down and kills ghouls) and he is leading his team of
investigators towards a town infested with ghouls (monster who looks like
humans but devours humans for their food.) He has in his mind order from
their superiors to exterminate the ghouls that killed all the humans in that
town, but then as he led his team towards the center of the town. Ghouls
surround them and would then begin to attack them, as the squad leader he
would face the bulk of the ghouls, sacrificing himself to attract more ghouls
towards him to lessen the burden of his team. However, even with his daring
attempt to save his team they were still overrun, as he attempted to help
them, he saw them being killed and torn to pieces one by one. He failed to
protect his teammates, all of them died and he was then left alone
surrounded by blood thirsty monsters;

“I will kill thousands of you before you get to kill me!!!” he yelled. Convinced
that he no longer had any chance of getting out of the town alive, he made
himself believed that he would avenge his teammates by killing as many
ghouls as he can before he too would follow them in their grave. But as dawn
came, he was the one left standing, and all the ghouls in that town was dead
at his feet, he survived.
After that incident, he would see himself still as a ghoul investigator still
hunting down ghouls wherever they may be, but this time he would be alone
in his fight. He refuses to lead another team or be a part of another team.

“They would only slow me down.” He would say

But the truth is that he chooses to fight alone because he wanted himself to
be the only one to be endangered, he wanted to face the monsters alone and
to let everyone else be safe in their homes. He was willing to suffer and face
the world’s darkness alone to protect the persons he loved the most from it.

DEATH. He is not a suicidal.