Tame Your Kid's Tantrums

When your kid's in the middle of a tantrum, it can be tough to keep yourself from having
your own meltdown, too.
"Meltdowns are terrible, nasty things, but they're a fact of childhood," says Ray Levy,
PhD, a Dallas-based clinical psychologist and co-author of Try and Make Me! Simple
Strategies That Turn Off the Tantrums and Create Cooperation. "Young kids - namely
those between the ages of 1 and 4 - haven't developed good coping skills yet. They tend
to just lose it instead." And what, exactly, sets them off to begin with? Every single
tantrum, Levy says, results from one simple thing: not getting what they want. "For
children between 1 and 2, tantrums often stem from trying to communicate a need - more
milk, a diaper change, that toy over there - but not having the language skills to do it,"
says Levy. "They get frustrated when you don't respond to what they're 'saying' and throw
a fit." For older toddlers, tantrums are more of a power struggle. "By the time kids are 3
or 4, they have grown more autonomous," Levy adds. "They're keenly aware of their
needs and desires - and want to assert them more. If you don't comply? Tantrum city."
So how can you stop these outbursts? What follows are freak-out fixes that both parenting
experts and other moms swear by.

Ignore the Kid

The reason this works is fascinating: "During a tantrum, your child is literally out of his
mind. His emotions take over - overriding the frontal cortex of the brain, the area that
makes decisions and judgments," says Jay Hoecker, MD, a Rochester, Minnesota,
pediatrician. "That's why reasoning doesn't help - the reasoning part of his brain isn't
working." Says Alan Kazdin, PhD, author of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant
Child, "Once you're in a situation where someone's drowning, you can't teach them to
swim - and it's the same with tantrums. There's nothing to do in the moment that will make
things better. In fact, almost anything you try will make it worse. Once he chills out, then
you can talk."

Give Your Child Some Space

"Sometimes a kid just needs to get his anger out. So let him!" says Linda Pearson, a
nurse practitioner and author of The Discipline Miracle. (Just make sure there's nothing
that could hurt him.) "I'm a big believer in this approach because it helps children learn
how to vent in a non-destructive way. They're able to get their feelings out, pull
themselves together, and regain self-control, without engaging in a yelling match or battle
of wills with you." This trick can work on its own or in tandem with the whole ignoring bit.
Create a Diversion
This is all about a deft mental switcheroo - getting your kid engaged and interested in
something else so she forgets about the meltdown she was just having. "My purse is filled
with all sorts of distractions, like toys - ones my kids haven't seen in a while, books, and
yummy snacks," says Alisa Fitzgerald, a mom of two from Boxford, Massachusetts.
Whenever a tantrum happens, she busts 'em out, one at a time, until something gets the
kids' attention. "I've also found that distraction can help ward off a major meltdown before
it happens, if you catch it in time," she adds. If your kid is about to go off the deep end at
the supermarket because you won't buy the super-frosted sugar-bomb cereal, try quickly
switching gears and enthusiastically saying something like, "Hey, we need some ice
cream. Want to help me pick a flavour?" or "Ooh, check out the lobster tank over there!"
Explains Levy: "Children have pretty short attention spans - which means they're usually
easy to divert. And it always helps if you sound really, really psyched when you do it. It
gets their mind off the meltdown and on to the next thing that much faster." Fitzgerald
agrees: "You have to channel your inner actress and be an entertainer - one with props!"

Discipline Without Spanking

The next time you feel the urge to spank, take a deep breath instead and consider what
you want your child to learn.

Find Out What's Really Frustrating Your Kid

This trick is for tantrums among the under-2-and-a-half set, says Dr. Hoecker. "Children
this age usually have a vocabulary of only about 50 words and can't link more than two
together at a time. Their communication is limited, yet they have all these thoughts and
wishes and needs to be met. When you don't get the message or misunderstand, they
freak out to release their frustration." One solution, he says: sign language. Teaching your
child how to sign a few key words - such as more, food, milk, and tired - can work wonders.

Another approach is to empathize with your kid, which helps take some of the edge off
the tantrum, and then play detective. "My 22-month-old throws tantrums that can last up
to 20 minutes," says Melanie Pelosi, a mom of three from West Windsor, New Jersey.
"We've taught her some words in sign language, but if she wants something like a movie,
she won't know how to ask for it - and still freaks out. So I say, 'Show me what you want,'
and then I see if she'll point to it. It's not always obvious, but with a little time and practice
you begin to communicate better. If she points to her older brother, for example, that
usually means that he's snatched something away from her, and I can ask him to give it
back. I can't tell you how many awful, drawn-out meltdowns we've avoided this way!"
HUGS
This may feel like the last thing you want to do when your kid is freaking out, but it really
can help her settle down," Levy says. "I'm talking about a big, firm hug, not a super cuddly
one. And don't say a word when you do it - again, you'd just be entering into a futile battle
of wills. Hugs make kids feel secure and let them know that you care about them, even if
you don't agree with their behaviour." Cartwright Holecko, of Neenah, Wisconsin, finds
that it helps: "Sometimes I think they just need a safe place to get their emotions out."

Offer Food or Suggest a Little R&R

"Being tired and hungry are the two biggest tantrum triggers," says Levy. Physically, the
kid is already on the brink, so it won't take much emotionally to send him over. "Parents
often come to me wondering why their child is having daily meltdowns. And it turns out
they're happening around the same time each day - before lunch or naptime and in the
early evening. It's no coincidence! My advice: feed them, water them, and let them veg -
- whether that means putting them to bed or letting them watch a little TV." Think how
cranky you get when you miss out on sleep or your blood sugar hits rock bottom, he says.
With young kids, who have greater sleep and food needs, the effect is magnified tenfold.

Give Your Kid Incentive to Behave

Certain situations are trying for kids. Maybe it's sitting through a long meal at a restaurant
or staying quiet in church. Whatever the hissy hot button, this is the trick: "It's about
recognizing when you're asking a lot of your child and offering him a little pre-emptive
bribe," Pearson says. "While you're on your way to the restaurant, for example, tell him,
'Alex, Mommy is asking you to sit and eat your dinner nicely tonight. I really think you can
do it! And if you can behave, then when we get home I'll let you watch a video.'" For the
record, Pearson says this kind of bribery is perfectly fine, as long as it's done on your
terms and ahead of time -- not under duress in the middle of a tantrum. If your kid starts
to lose it at any point, gently remind him about the "treat" you discussed. "It's amazing
how this can instantly whip them back into shape," says Pearson.

Speak Calmly
This is a biggie - and is much easier said than done. But experts insist you must keep
your cool during a child's tantrum. "Otherwise, you'll get into a power struggle and make
the whole thing escalate. Plus, part of the reason kids resort to tantrums is to get
attention," Dr. Hoecker says. "They don't care if it's positive or negative attention they're
getting. All they care about is that you're giving them 100 percent of it." Levy agrees, and
adds: "Talking in a soothing voice shows your child that you're not going to let her
behaviour get to you. It also helps you stay relaxed - when what you really want to do is
yell right back. In fact, the calm tone is as much for the parent as the child! If you're tense,
your kid will pick up on it, and it's going to amp her up even more."

Laugh It Off
Every parent dreads public tantrums, for obvious reasons. You worry other parents will
think you're a bad mom - that you've raised an out-of-control demon child. But that, says
Kazdin, can tempt you to make choices that will only lead to more fits. "Kids, even very
young ones, are smart," he says. "If you get angry or stressed or cave in and let him get
his way just to end the meltdown before more people start staring, he'll learn that -- aha!
- it works." Your best bet, Kazdin says, is to suck it up, plaster a little Mona Lisa smile on
your face, and pretend everything is just peachy. And what are others thinking? "We know
from studies that the only thing people judge is your reaction to the meltdown," says Levy.
"If you look calm and like you've got it under control - yes, even though you're not doing
anything to stop the fit - they think, Now that's a good mom."

Get Out of There

Getting kids away from the scene of the tantrum can snap them out of it. "It's also a great
strategy when you're out and about," says Levy. "If your child starts melting down over a
toy or candy bar he wants, pick him up and take him either to a different area of the store
or outside until he calms down. Changing the venue really can change the behaviour."
Why Do Kids Freak Out?

What is it with toddlers and losing their minds all the time? Is it normal that my son wails
if his shirt sleeve isn’t all the way down, loves the bathtub one day but hates it the next,
and manically screams “MINE!” two seconds after handing our dog a ball?

Yes, thankfully. And it’s not only normal, but reasonable. As five experts on child
psychology recently explained to me, toddlers’ irrational behaviours are a totally
understandable reflection of their inner turmoil and frustrations. In sum, their world is
turning upside down and they don’t yet have the skills to handle it. Tantrums don’t mean
your kid is a spoiled brat or needs therapy; tantrums mean he is normal.

The toddler life is not actually as cushy as it seems. Sure, I’d like 12 hours of sleep a night
and all my meals prepared for me, thanks. But 2-year-olds are also going through a hellish
personal crisis: They have just learned how to walk and use tools, so they really want to
explore the world; at the same time, they are terrified of what that world contains and
constantly fearful that their parents, whom they love and trust to a terrifying degree, will
suddenly abandon them. Oh, and those same parents? They’re suddenly barking “no” all
the time, seemingly just for fun. What the hell?

It’s no coincidence that kids start having tantrums around the time that parents start
enforcing rules. When you say no, sweetie, you can’t have that butcher knife, your 20-
month-old has no idea that you are depriving her of this awesomely shiny contraption for
her own safety. “Since it’s the parent, whom they rely on for everything, who is taking it
away, it’s perceived as a withdrawal of love, essentially,” says Alicia Lieberman, a
professor of Infant Mental Health at the University of California-San Francisco and author
of The Emotional Life of the Toddler. “They don’t know your reasoning. They just know
that something they were getting great pleasure from, all of a sudden, you are taking
away.” The pain that this causes, Lieberman says, is similar to what we might feel if our
spouse betrays or cheats on us.

As adults, we (usually) don’t (audibly) freak out when we don’t get what we want or when
somebody makes us mad because we can talk ourselves down. We can identify and label
the emotion we’re feeling, which, research suggests, goes a long way toward quelling
and controlling it. Our ability to label feelings stems in part from our excellent language
skills, which young toddlers don’t have yet. Also thanks to language, as adults we can
confront the people who are upsetting us and suggest solutions. My 22-month-old, though
now very adept at informing me of his need for milk, doesn’t manage complex
negotiations so well. His first response to frustration is generally to grab the nearest object
and throw it across the room, which makes sense considering that his gross motor skills
are among his strongest assets. If the only tool you have is an arm, you tend to see every
problem as a potential projectile.

Another reality of the toddler brain: The frontal lobe, which is responsible for planning,
logic, reasoning, working memory and self-control, is vastly underdeveloped. Because of
this, “toddlers are really living in the moment, not thinking about consequences,” explains
developmental psychologist Nancy McElwain, who runs the Children’s Social
Development Lab at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. There’s no voice in
their head saying, hmm, maybe it’s not a good idea to throw my lovey in the toilet (too
bad, because lovey got very wet in our house last week).

A semi functional frontal lobe also means that toddlers have practically no sense of time
and patience and therefore “experience wanting as needing,” Lieberman says—i.e., when
they want a chicken nugget, they really, really need it NOW! They can also have a skewed
sense of cause-and-effect, developing a paralyzing fear of the bathtub because what if
they go down the drain, too? Finally, let’s not forget the importance of experience when it
comes to handling challenges appropriately, says developmental psychologist Claire
Kopp, co-author of Socioemotional Development in the Toddler Years. The 2-year-
old, she says, simply doesn’t have any experiences to draw from.

If it sounds like I’m characterizing your beautiful, special, way-above-average toddler as

animal-like, that’s because I am. Paediatrician Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest
Baby on the Block and The Happiest Toddler on the Block, calls toddlers “little
cavemen.” “That is not meant to be derogatory, but meant to set the frame of reference
for parents,” he explained to me. “It takes years to socialize our little toddlers, so it’s
important for parents to cut themselves some slack. Don’t feel you’re a terrible parent
because they smeared jam all over the walls.” (This is not to say that toddlers don’t also
love organization and routine; they do. My son lines his toy cars up in a row every day,
probably because he’s trying to build some order into his chaotic, confusing life. And his
sleeve-down requirements may stem from a desire for consistency.)

The caveman analogy helps to explain yet another issue plaguing toddlers, Karp says:
They are very under stimulated. Little cavemen (and here I’m talking about the real ones)
spent their days very differently than kids do today. “It was a sensory-rich environment:
smells, the fresh air, shadows, birds, grass under your feet. Today, we put our little kids
in houses and apartments with flat floors, flat walls, ceilings, and not too many chickens,
and we think that’s normal,” Karp explains. “It is hard to spend all day with a 2-year-old,
and they don’t really want to spend all day with you anyway.”

Given all this, is it really that surprising that tantrums happen as frequently as they do?
There are certainly good and bad ways for parents to handle poor behaviour (an issue for
another column), but the existence of tantrums, and the tendency for toddlers to tackle
their woes through screaming and hitting and throwing, is perfectly normal because it’s
sometimes “the toddler’s only recourse,” says Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard
College Centre for Toddler Development. If your universe were amazing and terrifying
and frustrating and unpredictable, and you didn’t have good communication skills or a
whole lot of experience or much of a frontal lobe, you’d freak out every once in a while,
too.

Reasons For A Three Year Old Might be Freaking Out

His sock is on wrong.
His lip tastes salty.
His shirt has a tag on it.
The car seat is weird.
He’s hungry, but can’t remember the word “hungry.”
Someone touched his knee.
He’s not allowed in the oven.
I picked out the wrong pants.
His brother looked at him.
His brother didn’t look at him.
His hair is heavy.
We don’t understand what he said.
He doesn’t want to get out of the car.
He wants to get out of the car by himself.
The iPad has a password.
His sleeve is touching his thumb.
He doesn’t understand how popsicles are made.
The inside of his nose stinks.
Chicken is gross.
A balloon he got six months ago is missing.
A puzzle piece won’t fit in upside down.
I gave him the wrong blue crayon.
The gummi vitamin is too firm.
Netflix is slow.
He jumped off the sofa and we weren’t watching.
He’s not allowed to touch fire.
Everything is wrong with his coat.
There’s a dog within a 70 mile radius.
A shoe should fit either foot.
I asked him a question.
His brother is talking.
He can’t lift a pumpkin.
He can’t have my keys.
The cat is in his way.
The cat won’t let him touch its eyeball.
The inside of his cheek feels rough.
Things take too long to cook.
He has too much food in his mouth.
He sneezed.
He doesn’t know how to type.
The DustBuster is going to eat him.
His mom is taking a shower.
Someone knocked over his tower.
He got powdered sugar on his pants.
The yogurt won’t stay on his spoon.
Everything is too hot.

“Carry Me!” How to handle a clingy kid

So there I was last week—sick with cold, exhausted and pregnant, when my 2-year-old
turned into a 35-pound leech. Every waking moment he demanded that I hold him in my
arms—standing, never sitting, as if my love weren’t real unless my biceps were burning.
When I would run downstairs to get him a glass of milk or grab my iPhone, he would insist
on being ferried along on my hip. Awesomely, my husband wasn’t allowed to help. I was
apparently the only person on earth who could read to my son, sing to him, change his
diaper, give him a bath, make his dinner, hand him his water, and strap him into his car
seat. I’m not going to tell you what it’s been like dropping him off at school, because I’m
trying to block out the memories.
During these fun-filled days I’ve periodically asked myself: WTF? My son does this
sometimes—becomes a Cling Monster. It’ll last a few days, even up to a week. And I
never know whether I should indulge his every demand or whether, at some point, I should
give him a pat on the back, tell him to man up, and grit my teeth through the screamy
consequences. I wonder whether there is anything I can to do make the neediness stop
once it starts. I wonder: Is there something wrong with him? And then, of course, I wonder:
Is there anything wrong with me? Is there anything I am doing to cause all this?

As I like to do when something parenting-related (or in this case, my child) is nagging me,
I did some research and called a handful of child psychologists. And as it turns out,
periodic clinginess is very normal—in fact, it’s a sign that you and your child have a
healthy relationship. Some kids are also just more temperamentally needy than others.
But the way parents handle clinginess can have a big impact on how long it lasts and how
bad it becomes. And sometimes, yes, we do actually cause it ourselves. To avoid
becoming that parent, read on.

First, the reassuring stuff. Clingy behaviour, as renowned University of Minnesota

attachment researcher Alan Sroufe explained to me, is absolutely natural. Evolutionary
even. Back when our ancestors were climbing trees and jumping across rocks and
escaping predators as hunter-gatherers, their babies and toddlers literally clung on to
them for support and protection. “Clinging in primates, especially nomadic primates, is a
very important behaviour to have,” Sroufe says.

"Often with children who want to cling, the parents try to push them away, and then the
child wants to cling all the more."

Clinginess is ultimately a sign that your child considers you what attachment researchers
call “a secure base.” Babies and toddlers who have developed secure attachments with
caregivers—who have come to trust, through prior experience, that these adults are
available and sensitive to their needs—use these caregivers as mother ships from which
to explore the world. “Knowing that you have someone to return to in times of trouble
fosters the ability to go out and explore and do things,” says Jude Cassidy, a psychologist
and attachment expert at the University of Maryland. When things get scary or
unpredictable, your toddler comes back to you and essentially says, Hey, I need a little
extra support here. (Or, as my son puts it, “Pick me uuuuup!”) Securely attached toddlers
waffle between these two extremes of independence and dependence, which is why your
kid will be latching on to you one second and then telling you to go away the next. Children
who do not have secure attachments with their caregivers, on the other hand, feel they
can’t rely on them when needed; research suggests that these babies and toddlers are
actually less clingy in scary situations. Ultimately, then, periodic clinginess is a sign that
your child trusts you—that you’re doing things right. (An aside: Every attachment
researcher I talk to brings up the fact that “attachment parenting,” a trendy approach
popularized by Dr. Sears and crew that involves carrying your kids constantly, co-
sleeping with them, and not traditionally disciplining them, is not supported by research.
“It drives attachment researchers crazy because it’s not really consistent with attachment
theory,” says UC–Davis developmental psychologist Ross Thompson. So don’t think you
have to give up your bed to raise a securely attached kid.)

These “scary” situations that I’m referring to for a toddler can be hard to identify, because
they’re often not very scary to us. Anything a child perceives as unpredictable can spark
it, whether that’s a minor transition or a major shift in home life. Did your daughter switch
schools? Start in a new play group? Have you been traveling as a family? Are you
traveling more for work? Some kids even get clingy when, in the morning, you ask them
to put on their shoes, because they are able to think through the steps: Putting on shoes
means I’m going to school, which means I’m going to have to say goodbye to Mommy
soon, so I better start holding onto her right now. As Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard
College Centre for Toddler Development, explains in her wonderful book How Toddlers
Thrive, “a transition is a move from the familiar-and-known (whatever I am doing now) to
the new-or-unknown (even if I have done it before, it is new for this moment).” Entering
into this new-or-unknown situation “cuts to their core and lays bare a strong vulnerability.”

And when vulnerability hits, your toddler will attach himself to you like glue. “He holds
tight to that secure base, that safe haven, because that is where he can find the support
he needs in circumstances he could not otherwise manage or control himself,” Thompson
explains. It’s clear to me now that my son’s clinginess stems from our cross-country
travels, during which we stayed in three different places; it may have gotten worse after
returning because he was thrown back into his old routine, which suddenly seemed new
again, and because, Thompson says, sometimes kids become clingy after something
crazy has happened in an attempt to “emotionally refuel.”

So when kids get clingy, should you indulge their every needy demand? Assuming that
their requests aren’t insane, yes. If it’s stress making them clingy, “far and away the best
thing to do is let them be clingy,” Sroufe says. “They will cling as [much as] they need,
and then they’ll want to get back to exploring and playing and being with other toddlers
and all of that.” Put another way, parent sensitively instead of threatening a time out if the
wee one won’t let go of your leg. “Respect why the child is feeling this way, accept it as
being justified, and help the child function as well as she can,” Thompson says. This isn’t
to say that you can’t reassure your child and tell her, for instance, that the monsters
on Sesame Street are actually quite friendly and that your neighbour’s dog isn’t really
going to bite her. But reassure her without invalidating her feelings, and don’t reject her
need to be close to you, because doing so can undermine your relationship. Or it can
make her more needy. “One thing that I’ve seen a lot of times with children who want to
cling is that the parents try to push them away, and then the child wants to cling all the
more,” Sroufe says.

Indeed, some parents handle situations in ways that make things worse. Take this
common occurrence: A mother takes her kid to his new preschool, waits until he is
distracted for a few minutes, and then slips out without saying goodbye. When you do
this, “you essentially tell the child, ‘OK, when you’re in an unpredictable setting, don’t
relax, because the person you count on may suddenly disappear,’ ” Thompson says.
“Now you’ve added another layer of unpredictability, which is, how long is mom or dad
going to be with me?”

A better approach? Explain to your kid at school that you have to leave in five minutes,
and then in two minutes, and then tell them when you’ll be returning. Try to tie it to a
concrete event, like I’ll come back to get you after art class, sweetie. Then “you’re not
only giving predictability to when mother’s leaving but you’re also giving predictability to
when she’s coming back,” Thompson says. We all know how tough it is to see your kid
crying and clawing for you, but by communicating your departure and return clearly,
you’re giving your child the conceptual tools to manage and understand the situation, he
explains—you’re giving him the semblance of some control, and that’s precisely what he
needs. (Another tip: Try not to look distressed yourself when you’re managing a situation
like this. Kids have excellent emotional antennae, and when they see that you are
uncomfortable, they can become further unsettled. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out
why my son refused to jump into the pool and let me catch him when he would happily
do it with his swim teacher; one day she explained to me that every time he prepared to
jump, I looked like I was about to have a heart attack.)

Parents sometimes do other things to promote clinginess, too. Some actually want their
kids to be clingy, perhaps because being needed fills some emotional void. Kids will
sense this and accommodate. Neediness can also come about when parents give
children the sense that they can’t do things on their own—as when you step in too quickly
to help with puzzles or don’t let your kids take minor risks at the playground. Children do
need help and guidance, but it’s important for their developing sense of confidence and
independence to let them try things on their own and get frustrated sometimes. If you find
your child is constantly clingy, consider whether you might be doing any of these things,
and “if it’s really interfering with the child’s wellbeing or functioning, to talk to a
paediatrician,” Cassidy says.

What gives with my son’s “Mommy has to do everything” shtick? According to Thompson,
this probably falls in the same category as toddlers’ love of the word no. Since young kids
have control over so little in their lives, they get really psyched when they stumble across
a tool, like a no way or a Mommy does it!, that allows them to have an inkling of power.
“He’s beginning to understand the tools he has to manage his world even though so much
of the world is out of his control. To have some of those experiences, as a toddler, is
absolutely wonderful,” Thompson explains. Kids are also asserting their independence
when they suddenly decide that they hate strawberries even though they wolfed down an
entire pint yesterday.

So what can a parent do, if anything, to curb clinginess? The more regular your child’s
routine is, the more predictable his life becomes and the less comfort from you he needs.
But change of course happens. Thompson suggests talking through upcoming
disruptions or new experiences days in advance with your kids. “That gives children some
means of predicting and therefore managing an experience, which is better than suddenly
having it happen to them unexpectedly,” he says. I found my son’s trips to the doctor went
much more smoothly if we talked through what was going to happen at the appointment,
step-by-step, over and over again, days in advance.

When clinginess happens—because, yes, it inevitably will—reassure your child; hold him;
let him be needy. Do some clever environmental engineering to make things easier on
you. If your kid demands that you stay in the playroom with him but you really need to
clean the kitchen, set up a mini play area in the kitchen so he can do his own thing while
keeping you within eyesight, Thompson says. Neediness is hard. It’s exhausting. But life
is really scary as a toddler, and it’s pretty amazing that we as parents have the power,
with a quick swoop of our arms, to make everything right in their hearts again. Especially
since doing so gives them the confidence to go back out into the world and tackle its
unknowns, eventually without our help.