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ACT ONE
Scene 1
Interior of the chapter house of the monastery of Priseaux, France. Stone walls jut out at
odd angles; areas
of shadow are broken by sporadic shafts of light. Books everywhere – on shelves, on the
floor. The skeleton
of a saint lies upon an altar in a deep red cloth. On one side of the stage is a table behind
which sits
BROTHER MARTIN, a stern-looking monk in a well-worn habit, who makes notes on a
sheaf of parchment
pages. A peasant woman stands in front of the table.
MARTIN
I’m sorry.
PEASANT WOMAN
Please.
MARTIN
I said, I’m sorry.
PEASANT WOMAN
Just one.
MARTIN
I’m afraid that’s impossible.
PEASANT WOMAN
It won’t take a minute, I –
MARTIN
No.
PEASANT WOMAN
One little prayer…
MARTIN
We need your penny first.
PEASANT WOMAN
I haven’t got a penny.
MARTIN
Then you haven’t got a prayer. (MARTIN resumes writing; pause.)
PEASANT WOMAN
I’ll bring the penny after, when she’s better.
MARTIN
No you won’t.
PEASANT WOMAN
I promise.
MARTIN
No. You’ll say she’s better because you turned around in a circle three times and threw a
piece of dung
over your left shoulder.
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PEASANT WOMAN
If the dung had worked, I wouldn’t be here.
MARTIN
Precisely. Penny up front. (He gestures to a dish on the table; she considers it for a
moment.)
PEASANT WOMAN
How do I know the prayer’s going to work?
MARTIN
You don’t, it’s called faith. Blind faith. Not certainty, not doubt, not some scatological
superstition, but
reverent, confident belief. Which you demonstrate by making a humble offering to the
saint. (He slides the
dish toward her.)
PEASANT WOMAN
I should stick with dung, it’s cheaper.
MARTIN
(Patience exhausted.) Fine – perhaps you should. You only come when you want some
favor. Perhaps if
you honored the church more often – (OLF, a big, clumsy-looking monk, enters out of
breath, a large heavy
sack over one shoulder.)
OLF
Where’s the abbot, is the abbot –
MARTIN
Brother Olf: What have you been taught about speaking out of turn?
OLF
I was only asking if –
MARTIN
Asking is speaking and speaking is done one at a time…
OLF
(Indicating sack.) I’m sorry, but –
MARTIN
Speaking done two at a time is interrupting…
OLF
I had a question –
MARTIN
Interrupting is rudeness and will not be tolerated. What is your question? (PEASANT
WOMAN has moved
toward the altar and has begun praying softly.)
OLF
I need to know where to put this.
MARTIN
(For the hundredth time.) If it’s barley it goes in the alehouse, if it’s millet – (He notices
PEASANT WOMAN.)
OLF
It’s neither.
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MARTIN
(To PEASANT WOMAN.) What are you - ? Stop that. (She continues.) I said stop it, you
haven’t paid. (She
continues. He moves toward her, parchment pages in hand.) Stop praying this instant (He
turned her
around.)
PEASANT WOMAN
Haven’t you better things to do than harass old women?
MARTIN
Believe me, I’ve plenty to do: (Leafing through the pages.) There’s the poor to be fed, the
sick to be healed,
the naked to be clothed –
PEASANT WOMAN
So, I’m poor.
MARTIN
I’m sure.
PEASANT WOMAN
I am, I’m poor.
CHARLES
(Entering with another parchment page.) Oh, Martin, would you –
OLF
Ah, Father –
MARTIN
Brother Olf. (To PEASANT WOMAN.) I don’t care if you’re poor, I don’t care if you’re sick;
thank God
you’re not naked. If you don’t pay the penny, you are out of luck!
CHARLES
(Beat.) Is there a problem?
OLF
I need to know where –
MARTIN
I believe the question was addressed to me. (To CHARLES.) This woman wants an
intercession…
CHARLES
(To PEASANT WOMAN) What is it?
PEASANT WOMAN
My cow’s got the mange.
CHARLES
Oh…
MARTIN
BUT she refuses to pay.
PEASANT WOMAN
I haven’t got a penny!
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MARTIN
So she says.
PEASANT WOMAN
I don’t.
CHARLES
It’s not a lot to ask, you know. You’d pay much more if you went on a pilgrimage.
PEASANT WOMAN
I can’t afford a pilgrimage. I can’t afford this, but I’ve got to do something. Her milk’s dried
up, her hair’s
falling out…
CHARLES
Yes –
PEASANT WOMAN
Her gums are all bloody…
CHARLES
I understand your need; but you see, we have needs, too. If you want to pray to Saint
Foy, you’ve got to
give us something. (She looks from one to the other, then reaches down deliberately,
pulls a button off her
tunic and drops it in the plate. Embarrassed, CHARLES relents.) Go ahead. (She crosses
in front of the
relics and begins praying; MARTIN looks at CHARLES in exasperation.) Don’t say it.
MARTIN
Why do I bother?
CHARLES
Her cow is sick.
MARTIN
We get a button in the plate, but you can bet they have a penny for a pint.
OLF
Excuse me, Father –
MARTIN
Brother Olf!
CHARLES
Times are hard, Martin. But we needn’t take it out on the village.
MARTIN
Who else can we take it out on? We haven’t seen a pilgrim in four months, and our saint
hasn’t worked a
miracle in thirteen years!
PEASANT WOMAN
(Looking up.) Huh? (CHARLES moves MARTIN away a few feet. PEASANT WOMAN
continues praying.
OLF sets down his sack.)
MARTIN
If I’m to be your successor, as you’ve promised –
CHARLES
So that’s it…
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MARTIN
I just want to be sure there’s a monastery left by the time it’s mine.
CHARLES
I’ve given my life to this order…
MARTIN
I know…
CHARLES
Rebuilt its walls with these hands, fed the congregation with my own bread…
MARTIN
All the more pity if we close our doors for the lack of a penny a prayer.
CHARLES
We won’t. Not while I’m alive. And we will not corrupt our ideals for a penny. When His
Holiness arrives –
MARTIN
We’ve heard nothing from Brother Felix for weeks.
CHARLES
And when he arrives with His Holiness I have no doubt that pilgrims will follow. The
Pope’s never been to
these parts before, it’s a stamp of approval.
MARTIN
And what if he never shows up? After all the preparations, after all the money we spent
on the chair…
CHARLES
He gave me his word.
MARTIN
His word.
CHARLES
You’d doubt the word of the Pope?
MARTIN
Of course not. Did you get it in writing?
CHARLES
Martin…
MARTIN
Well, we should have promised him a miracle.
CHARLES
You can’t just promise the Pope a miracle.
MARTIN
You have to! He’s not going to ride a thousand miles to see a dead body; they have them
in Rome.
CHARLES
He’ll be here.
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MARTIN
When?
CHARLES
Humanity has waited twelve centuries for the Second Coming; why are you so impatient?
MARTIN
Because we’re starving! (He collects himself.) I don’t know when you last checked the
pantry, but there’s
nothing in it. The chickens are gone, the sheep are gone… There’s scarcely a pauper’s
portion for each of
us, and nothing for the paupers themselves.
CHARLES
We took a vow of poverty…
MARTIN
Yes, to help the homeless, not become them. If the Pope doesn’t show up today or
tomorrow, we’ll have to
eat the donkeys. (Of CHARLES’ parchment.) What’s that?
CHARLES
Um…nothing.
MARTIN
Another request?
CHARLES
The shoemaker’s shop by the river flooded.
MARTIN
(Taking it.) I suppose they’re asking for bed and board.
CHARLES
That was the general idea.
MARTIN
Very well. (He crosses to his pile of parchment pages and rifles through him.) We’ll put
them in line
behind the blacksmith’s family, the weaver’s widow, and the leper with the lisp. (He
inserts CHARLES’
page into the stack.)
CHARLES
In line?
MARTIN
That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you: There’s nothing left. Either Brother Felix shows up
with the Pope
or we’re out of the charity business forever.
CHARLES
Perhaps if we redirect our prayers…
MARTIN
Charles: We need to be practical now. If we can’t do good with our faith alone, then faith
alone’s no good.
CHARLES
(Determined.) The Pope will come. The pilgrims will come, the alms will come. (Beat.
Less certain:) They have to.
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OLF
(Beat.) I hate to intrude, Father –
MARTIN
(Noticing PEASANT WOMAN.) For God’s sake… (Thinking it’s about him, OLF stops
short, but MARTIN
walks determinedly past him to PEASANT WOMAN, grabs her shoulder and turns her
around again.) You
said one prayer.
PEASANT WOMAN
(To CHARLES.) My husband’s sick too.
MARTIN
Be grateful you’re covered for the cow. Come on. (He lifts her up and walks her briskly
out.)
PEASANT WOMAN
But you stopped me in the middle…
MARTIN
Then come back tomorrow, we may still be here. (They have disappeared through the
doorway. Off:) And
bring your penny with you! (A door slams. Pause.)
OLF
May I speak now?
CHARLES
Hmm? Certainly. (MARTIN enters; OLF eyes him.)
OLF
I didn’t want to interrupt.
MARTIN
Brother Olf had one of his questions.
CHARLES
What is it?
OLF
I need to know where to put this.
CHARLES
(For the hundred and first time.) If it’s barley, it goes in the alehouse, if it’s millet –
OLF
It’s a Jew.
MARTIN
(Beat.) A Jew?
OLF
Moneychanger. I found him in the mud by the road outside the village.
CHARLES
Found him… you mean dead?
OLF
He’d been hit on the head with a rock and robbed of all but his tunic.
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MARTIN
Murdered?
OLF
He’s missing a finger, too – cut off for the ring, no doubt.
CHARLES
Good Lord… what desperate times we live in. I suppose we should take the body to Paris
– let the
synagogue bury him.
OLF
Paris?
CHARLES
There isn’t one closer.
OLF
But he’s already three days dead, at least. And in this heat…
MARTIN
Well, what would you have us do, then? Give him a good Christian burial?
CHARLES
If there’s nowhere else to bury him, we’ll bury him here…
MARTIN
Wonderful. Perfect! I can see it now: his Holiness arriving as we drop a Jew into
consecrated ground.
CHARLES
I hadn’t thought of that.
MARTIN
It might be misconstrued. (CHARLES considers the dilemma for a moment, then:)
CHARLES
Olf, get a shovel; then dig a hole. (To MARTIN.) We’ll bury him after sundown. (OLF nods
and exits.)
MARTIN
Why not baptize him as well? The night is young. (MARTIN returns to his paperwork.)
CHARLES
The Pope must have been delayed for some reason. He’s a very busy pontiff.
MARTIN
Unless Brother Felix never made it to the Vatican…
CHARLES
The map was impeccable.
MARTIN
I’m referring to his weakness for the fairer sex.
CHARLES
If anyone keeps his word and his vows –
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MARTIN
Of course – there’s nothing to tempt him here. But think: the allure of Italian women –
dark-eyed, oliveskinned…
buxom? (CHARLES begins to doubt for a moment.) If he happened to succumb to a case
of
libido…
CHARLES
No; Felix may have made mistakes as a youth, but no one’s as worthy of trust as he is.
(OLF has returned.)
OLF
Excuse me, Father. (MARTIN glares at him.) That wasn’t interrupting.
CHARLES
Yes?
OLF
I had another question.
MARTIN
Of course you did.
OLF
Where did you want me to dig the hole?
MARTIN
(Beat.) In the ground!
OLF
I know that, I meant, which side of the churchyard wall?
CHARLES
Oh, good question, Olf. Bury him – (Suddenly, FELIX, an earnest, intense young novice,
bursts in,
rambling, out of breath. The hem of his habit is muddy and frayed.)
FELIX
(…tell him it’s not) true, tell me it’s… not true, tell me it’s not – (FELIX practically collapses
on top of CHARLES, grabbing his robes to hold himself up.)
CHARLES
Brother Felix…
FELIX
Tell me, say it’s not… (He is gasping for breath.)
MARTIN
What’s the matter?
FELIX
Where is she?
CHARLES
Who?
FELIX
Where is she, where… (He looks beyond them, sees the saint, lets out a pitiful cry of
relief. He pushes past
them and rushes to it.) God be praised. (FELIX falls to his knees, crosses himself, and
begins praying fervently.)
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CHARLES
Brother Felix, what’s going on? (FELIX begins to sob.) What’s happened? (FELIX tries to
compose
himself, catch his breath.)
FELIX
I came as quickly as I could – I’ve been running for three days…
MARTIN
Where’s the Pope?
FELIX
(Beat.) Bernay.
CHARLES
Bernay?
OLF
That’s not on the way from Rome.
MARTIN
Well, when’s he coming here?
FELIX
He’s not coming.
CHARLES
What?
MARTIN
I knew it…
FELIX
I did my best, I tried, but –
CHARLES
What do you mean “not coming?”
MARTIN
I told you we should have promised a miracle.
CHARLES
Martin.
FELIX
He’s gone to Bernay instead.
MARTIN
What’s in Bernay? A second-rate convent run by a bunch of backwoods nuns.
CHARLES
They don’t have a single relic, why –
FELIX
They got one.
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MARTIN
No.
CHARLES
Did you talk to the Pope?
FELIX
By the time I made it to Rome, he’d already left.
CHARLES
But you were his escort…
FELIX
I showed them the letter! “His plans have changed,” a cardinal told me. “He’s left for
Bernay to see Saint
Foy.”
MARTIN
Saint Foy?
CHARLES
She’s been our patron for 300 years!
FELIX
That’s what I said! But since the Pope has already gone, I rode off like the wind to catch
him. (To MARTIN,
apologetically:) One of the donkeys died along the way.
MARTIN
(Throwing up his hands.) Wonderful. Perfect!
FELIX
(With increasing awe.) I arrived at the convent within a fortnight, and outside the chapel I
saw a crowd of
pilgrims, pushing and shoving to get inside. Seeing my robes, they let me pass, and there
in the darkness sat
His Holiness on a regal dais near the altar. And on that altar, dimly lit, lay a martyr’s
bones in a purple
cloth. (CHARLES and MARTIN look at each other.) One by one the peasants knelt before
the Pope – lepers,
blind men, hopeless cripples – one by one they approached the altar, and one by one…
were healed. (The
others are astonished.)
OLF
(Quietly.) You mean a miracle?
FELIX
Dozens of them! A man drowned fishing the day before was raised like Lazarus to his
feet, sputtering about
a line that broke and the loss of a speckled trout.
MARTIN
You’re kidding…
FELIX
A child whose arm was horribly burned, the skin nearly gone, had the limb restored at
once.
CHARLES
My God…
FELIX
A hunchbacked woman with an oozing lump –
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MARTIN
That will do, thank you, Felix.
CHARLES
Did you speak to the Pope?
FELIX
They wouldn’t let me near him! When the sisters learned where I’d come from, they called
out the abbess.
CHARLES
Oh, God…
FELIX
A large, surly woman with a sour disposition.
CHARLES
I know it well.
FELIX
I figured, “At last I’ll be treated like a fellow in Christ.” But as soon as we passed the
doors, she threw me
down the steps!
MARTIN
The insult!
FELIX
And then she told me why: (With deliberation.) She said Saint Foy had been brought to
them by a one-eyed
monk – a brother from our house.
CHARLES
Our house?
MARTIN
Nonsense.
OLF
A one-eyed monk?
FELIX
And for this they rewarded him with thirty gold pieces.
MARTIN
WHAT!?
CHARLES
No.
FELIX
I tried to protest, but she claimed I had only come to steal the relics back, and chased me
from the convent
with a chalice. And so, weary and confused, I hastened home as quickly as I could.
(Beat.) That’s when the
other donkey died.
MARTIN
So much for eating the donkeys. (Pause. They are stunned.)
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FELIX
I’m sorry, Father.
CHARLES
And I’m… in shock.
OLF
A one-eyed monk…
FELIX
What shall we do?
CHARLES
I’m not sure.
MARTIN
I am. We’ll sell our habits, that’s what we’ll do.
CHARLES
Martin.
MARTIN
Well, we can’t sell the books – no one else knows how to read!
CHARLES
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
MARTIN
Oh, please…
CHARLES
“By faith we understand that the world was created by the word of God, / so that what is
seen was made out
of things –“
MARTIN
(Simultaneous after “/”.) “so that what is seen was made out of things which do not
appear” – it’s too late
for Scripture!
CHARLES
Where is your faith? (To all of them.) I ask you, where is your faith?
MARTIN
It’s turned up in a second-rate convent run by a bunch of backwoods nuns.
CHARLES
(Firmly.) I don’t know who this other saint is, but it’s not Saint Foy. We’ll simply tell the
Pope what’s
happened and he’ll rectify the matter.
MARTIN
As far as he knows, we don’t have a saint. Their relics grant miracles, raise from the
dead; what have we
got?
OLF
But who’s this –
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MARTIN
DON’T INTERRUPT!
CHARLES
Let him speak. (To OLF.) Go ahead.
OLF
I was just wondering… who is this one-eyed monk?
CHARLES
What do you mean?
OLF
He isn’t one of us – I’ve never seen him.
FELIX
Maybe Bernay made the story up. Maybe they stole a miraculous saint and chose to call
her Saint Foy.
MARTIN
That’s like stealing a gold piece and calling it a penny.
CHARLES
Martin.
MARTIN
Well, it’s not as thought she’s in demand; she’s been all but worthless for the last dozen
years.
FELIX
The relics of Saint Anne were stolen last Easter.
CHARLES
They were returned.
FELIX
Saint Helen’s still missing.
MARTIN
It doesn’t matter whose relics they are, the Pope’s filling Bernay’s coffers, not ours.
CHARLES
(Resolute.) Then we’ve got to bring him here, that’s all.
FELIX
It would take a miracle.
CHARLES
Very well. (To Saint Foy.) Could you arrange that for us?
MARTIN
Charles…
CHARLES
Nothing ostentatious. Maybe stigmata?
MARTIN
It’s been done.
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CHARLES
Whatever. Perhaps he would come.
MARTIN
If he were going to come he would be here by now; but he got sucked in by a one-eyed
monk with the holy remains of Saint Something-or-Other.
CHARLES
And when he finds out the truth –
MARTIN
Why would he?
FELIX
Because it is!
MARTIN
(Calmly.) If the truth were always apparent, we’d be out of business. (There is a loud,
solemn pounding at the door.)
CHARLES
(Beat.) Good Lord... You don’t suppose…
MARTIN
Suppose what.
OLF
… it’s him?
CHARLES
Yes!
MARTIN
You mean the Pope?
FELIX
It can’t be.
MARTIN
Never in a thousand years.
OLF
It could be.
FELIX
They told me he wouldn’t come, they said –
MARTIN
He won’t.
CHARLES
Unless he saw through the hoax, and sped here to honor the rightful saint.
FELIX
But I’ve just arrived myself, they couldn’t have –
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CHARLES
You were on foot.
FELIX
Even so, they couldn’t have – (The pounding resumes, somewhat more insistent.)
CHARLES
Did you hear that?
MARTIN
Be reasonable…
CHARLES
That’s the knock of a Pope if ever I heard one. Olf, get the Jew out of here, quick.
OLF
(Rushing to the sack.) Where?
FELIX
(To MARTIN.) Jew?
CHARLES
I don’t care where, just – put him in the pantry.
OLF
Pantry?
MARTIN
Plenty of room in the pantry…
CHARLES
And bring in the chair.
FELIX
What Jew?
OLF
What chair?
CHARLES
The chair.
OLF
I don’t know –
MARTIN
The Pope’s chair, what do you think?
OLF
I didn’t know he had one. (OLF prepares to drag the sack out but the PEASANT WOMAN
bursts in.)
PEASANT WOMAN
All right, give it back. (They all freeze in their tracks.)
CHARLES
(Beat.) Excuse me?
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MARTIN
You again.
PEASANT WOMAN
That’s right – and I won’t be muscled about this time.
CHARLES
Was someone else knocking just now?
PEASANT WOMAN
You the abbot?
CHARLES
(Peeking out the doorway to be sure.) Well, yes, but –
MARTIN
What do you want?
PEASANT WOMAN
I want my button back. It’s clear you swindled it out of me.
MARTIN
You know very well you paid it for the privilege of praying to the saint.
PEASANT WOMAN
That’s no saint, it’s a fake. (Pause. CHARLES and MARTIN exchange glances.)
MARTIN
Who told you this?
PEASANT WOMAN
It’s all over town: The real saint’s been bundled off to Bernay.
CHARLES
(Half to himself.) Oh God…
MARTIN
That’s a lie.
PEASANT WOMAN
And she’s working miracles.
MARTIN
Oh really? Well we’ve had miracles too…
CHARLES
(Weary.) Martin…
MARTIN
Just last week, a hunchbacked woman with an oozing lump –
CHARLES
Give back the button.
MARTIN
No.
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CHARLES
Give it to her.
MARTIN
That’s as good as saying she’s right.
CHARLES
Her faith is already gone, can’t you see?
MARTIN
Yes – through the ignorant prattle of second-hand gossips.
PEASANT WOMAN
Not so second-hand.
FELIX
Have you honored the saint yourself?
PEASANT WOMAN
No…
MARTIN
Well, then.
PEASANT WOMAN
(Smugly.) But my son-in-law saw it with his own eye.
MARTIN
Oh, “my son-in-law saw it,” of course. That’s always the case with rumors: Some third
party tells
somebody else that a friend of a friend saw – (Pause.) What did you say?
PEASANT WOMAN
I said he saw it himself, he was there.
MARTIN
No you didn’t.
PEASANT WOMAN
I did.
MARTIN
You didn’t, you said, “He saw it with his own eye.”
PEASANT WOMAN
So? (The monks gather around her expectantly.)
CHARLES
Good woman… how many eyes does your daughter’s husband have? (She looks at them
suspiciously.)
PEASANT WOMAN
Is it me, or is that a stupid question?
MARTIN
Just answer.
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PEASANT WOMAN
He’s got two, one on either side of his nose.
CHARLES
Ah. (They move away from her, crestfallen,)
PEASANT WOMAN
One’s been scrambled like an egg, though, so he wears a patch. (They brighten and
return to her.)
CHARLES
I see; I see, and um, what… business, if I may ask, had he in Bernay?
PEASANT WOMAN
He’s a minstrel.
MARTIN
A minstrel?
PEASANT WOMAN
You know, tells jokes, throws things in the air? Filthy line of work, if you ask me.
CHARLES
Uh-huh. Would you… excuse us for a moment, please?
PEASANT WOMAN
It’s your church. (The monks quickly huddle to confer. While they are preoccupied,
PEASANT WOMAN
sneaks a standing prayer.)
CHARLES
Do you think it’s him?
MARTIN
Of course it’s him.
FELIX
We can’t accuse the man without proof…
OLF
He’s got one eye…
MARTIN
Just bring him here! We’ll get to the truth.
CHARLES
Good woman…
MARTIN
(To FELIX and OLF.) In the meantime, dig a hole. (MARTIN indicates the sack; OLF nods
and exits.)
CHARLES
Your daughter’s husband, is he still in town?
PEASANT WOMAN
He hasn’t stopped eating since they got in. I’m telling you, minstrels, they’re pigs.
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MARTIN
Do you think were we to ask him, he might perform his services?
PEASANT WOMAN
You’d have to pay. They don’t work for free.
CHARLES
We’d pay him well.
PEASANT WOMAN
(Seeing her opportunity.) Then you might as well hire them both. My daughter’s quite the
dancer…
FELIX
(Enthralled.) Really? A dancer?
PEASANT WOMAN
And she’s been known to ease the burden of the celibate on occasion.
MARTIN
That won’t be necessary.
PEASANT WOMAN
(Driving home the bargain.) Truth be told, they only perform as a pair. Either it’s both or
none.
CHARLES
(Beat.) Very well then: We’ll see them both.
PEASANT WOMAN
I’ll go drag them from the table. (OLF has returned with a shovel and grabbed the end of
the sack to drag it
out.) What’s in the sack? (OLF begins to speak but:)
MARTIN CHARLES
Barley. Millet.
(Correcting himself.) Millet. (Correcting himself). Barley.
CHARLES & MARTIN
Oats! (PEASANT WOMAN sniffs the air with suspicion.)
PEASANT WOMAN
If you say so. (To FELIX.) You’ll like my daughter. Not big bosomed but a sweet piece of
flesh. (She starts out, then stops abruptly.) Oh. (She walks directly up to MARTIN.) I’ll
need that button. (She holds out her hand. MARTIN looks at CHARLES in exasperation,
but CHARLES nods to him. MARTIN removes the button from the plate and hands it to
her.) Good thing I saved the penny for Bernay. (She pockets it.) You
can’t mess around with a sick cow. (She exits as they look after her. Blackout.)
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Scene Two

The chapter house, a few hours later. OLF enters the room carrying a shovel, followed by
JACK, a smallish man wearing an eye patch and a colorful motley. JACK also carries two
bags, which contain various minstrel’s props, costume pieces, and musical instruments.
JACK
Pretty hot day for digging a grave. Whose is it?
OLF
I’m not allowed to say.
JACK
If it’s outside the churchyard wall, it’s got to be a thief or a murderer.
OLF
It’s a secret.
JACK
(Mock shock.) You mean he doesn’t know he’s dead?
OLF
Huh?
JACK
You’d better tell him before you plant him…
OLF
He’s –
JACK
Nothing ticks a man off more than waking up under six feet of dirt.
OLF
It’s a secret.
JACK
Okay… But when you’ve got an irate corpse on your hands, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Where do we play?
OLF
Here.
JACK
(Beat.) Here?
OLF
We can’t use the chapel since the roof caved in, and the library’s covered in mud.
JACK
(Looking around.) Hard to generate a festive mood with a cadaver in the room.
OLF
That’s Saint Foy. (Pause. JACK is a little thrown, or perhaps shaken.)
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JACK
Well, then, we’ll keep all the merriment over here… (He sets down his bags and starts
removing objects: juggling clubs and balls, a lute or small guitar, etc.) Where’s my light?
(He finds a window with light
shining in and places his props accordingly, muttering to himself as he sets up. OLF
watched in fascination
for a few moments, then:)
OLF
I wanted to be a minstrel once.
JACK
Didn’t we all, my friend. Didn’t we all.
OLF
But I wasn’t good enough.
JACK
What could you do – sing, dance? (OLF shakes his head.) Tell a joke? (OLF gives a “so-
so” gesture with his hand.) Juggle.
OLF
Only one thing at a time.
JACK
Yep, that’s a couple tricks shy of an act. (He goes back to setting up.)
OLF
I decided to become a monk instead.
JACK
Good career move.
OLF
To witness a miracle.
JACK
Yeah? How many have you seen?
OLF
Not a one. But I hope I do someday; I really hope so.
JACK
(Confidentially.) Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’ve got a better chance of making it
as a minstrel.
(MARIE enters, wearing a colorful costume with hat and face paint. She is followed by
PEASANT WOMAN.)
MARIE
(To JACK.) This. Was a bad idea.
PEASANT WOMAN
(To OLF.) Where’s the abbot?
MARIE
Mother…
OLF
They’re in the vestry. (OLF opens the door to lead her out.)
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JACK
What are you doing?
PEASANT WOMAN
I’m gonna haggle your fee.
JACK
No you’re not – I’ve done it myself for thirteen years.
PEASANT WOMAN
Believe me, you don’t know the clergy – they’re murder. (She leans into MARIE
confidentially.) Pray.
MARIE
What?
PEASANT WOMAN
The cow’s sick. Might as well get one in before they hit you up for a penny (To OLF.)
Come on, let’s talk business. (She exits, followed by OLF.)
JACK
You had to bring your mother along…
MARIE
We shouldn’t have come here in the first place. Look, just promise me you’ll play nice,
okay? No snide remarks about the church? I don’t care if you think they’re crooks; they’re
clients till we get out of here.
JACK
Hey, I’m a professional.
MARIE
You. Are a pagan with an attitude problem. (MARIE crosses to the altar, kneels, and
begins praying. JACK paces through their routine.)
JACK
Okay, I figure we’ll start like always: intro, intro; juggle juggle bow; tell a few jokes ha ha
bow; sing… (He notices her.) Marie – we’ve got a gig here…
MARIE
Better to be safe.
JACK
It’s a pile of bones on a dirty red cloth. (He pulls her to her feet.)
MARIE
I wasn’t finished!
JACK
(Crossing her.) “Amen.”
MARIE
Jack…
JACK
Now: I’ll do the hellos, throw some balls, tell “The Priest and the Pig” –
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MARIE
No.
JACK
People love that joke.
MARIE
Not here they won’t.
JACK
It’s a timing thing. You wait till they’re drunk.
MARIE
Let’s do “The Lark and the Dove” instead.
JACK
Ma-rie…
MARIE
It’s pretty.
JACK
It’s a love song.
MARIE
So?
JACK
So these guys become celibate at the age of six. What do they know about love?
MARIE
(Singing.) “Sad sings the lonesome mourning dove…”
JACK
I’ll do the “hey ho nonny nonny” song.
MARIE
Come on, Jack, sing the response:
JACK
Something they can tap their toes to.
MARIE
“Glad sings the lark that finds his love.”
JACK
Hey. Ho. Nonny. Nonny. I’ll sing, you dance.
MARIE
(Beat.) Fine. (She walks away.)
JACK
Oh, come on. (He goes to her.) Let’s just get through this, take the cash, and we’re on our
way. Okay? No more motley, no more mothers, no more monks. Just us.
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MARIE
Then let’s have them marry us.
JACK
Uhhhh… not today.
MARIE
Why not?
JACK
It’s… not the right place.
MARIE
It’s a church!
JACK
Exactly, it’s commonplace here. We’ll get married in Paris.
MARIE
In Dijon you said we’d do it in Bernay, in Bernay you said here, / and –
JACK
And you said your mother loved minstrels, so we’re even. (PEASANT WOMAN enters.)
Speak of the devil.
(He finishes setting up his props.)
PEASANT WOMAN
Good thing I came along. They wanted to pay you in books. (To MARIE.) What a stupid
line of work. You should’ve married what’s-his-name when you had the chance.
MARIE
(For the hundredth time.) Pierre.
JACK
(Half to himself.) “Pierre,” / “Pierre,” “Pierre,” “Pierre”…
PEASANT WOMAN
At least he had money.
MARIE
We didn’t have the chance, remember?
JACK
(To PEASANT WOMAN.) Ever since we got here it’s “Pierre” this “Pierre” that. If Pierre
was so great, why didn’t she marry him?
MARIE
He died.
JACK
(Beat.) Oh. (Beat.) Well, then, he wasn’t such a great catch, was he? (CHARLES enters,
followed by MARTIN and OLF, who carries a stool.) Hoo boy, show time… (JACK
scrambles into position, as does MARIE. PEASANT WOMAN moves into position to
watch. OLF sets down the stool for CHARLES, who sits. MARTIN sits on his stool.) Ah,
welcome, gentlemen, brothers in Christ. Prepare to be tickled, dazzled,
and delighted. My name is Jack, this is Marie, now let’s have a juggle to fill you with glee.
Hey! (JACK grabs juggling balls or clubs and begins to juggle in a vigorous but
unextraordinary fashion, accompanying his tosses with little outbursts of awe. Pointedly,
to MARIE:) A little tambourine, please?
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(She accompanies his more daring passes. Finally, he brings it to a flashy finish and
bows deeply, awaiting thunderous applause. There is none. He stands upright.) Thank
you, thank you. A joke!
MARIE
(Warning.) Jack…
JACK
(Launching in:) A widower goes to his confessor, says, “Forgive me, Father, I’ve gotten so
lonely the past six months I’ve taken to screwing one of my pigs.” “That doesn’t sound so
bad,” says the priest, “as long as you keep the commandments.” “Well that’s just it,” says
the man, “this morning she tells me she’s married!” (He looks about expectantly. They are
totally unresponsive. Dryly:) I thought there was only one corpse in the house.
PEASANT WOMAN
Quit jabbering and let her dance!
JACK
(He clears his throat.) My… mother-in-law. Would the gentlemen care for a song and
dance?
OLF
I would. (MARTIN hits him.)
CHARLES
(Gesturing for them to begin.) Please.
PEASANT WOMAN
Pay no attention to this boob; she’s the one with talent. (JACK picks up the lute or small
guitar and accompanies MARIE while she dances. The dance should be simple and
rather innocent, but may have a gentle allure.)
JACK
(Singing.)
HEY HO, ALAS LACKADAY,
ALAS, LACKADAY, LACKAAY HEY HO;
HEY NONNY NONNY, DERRY DOWN DERRY DOWN,
HEY HO NONNY NONNY DERRY DOWN.
LACKADAY (LACKADAY), HEY HO (LACKADAY),
ALAS (LACKADAY), HEY HO – OH:
HEY NONNY NONNY, DERRY DOWN DERRY DOWN,
HEY HO NONNY NONNY DERRY DOWN!
(He bows again with a flourish. MARIE curtsies. The monks are silent. Then:)
MARTIN
What was that?
JACK
What.
MARTIN
“Alas lackahey ho nonny?”
JACK
I think it’s Spanish. (OLF nods wisely.)
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CHARLES
You dance prettily, madam.
MARIE
Thank you, Your Grace.
MARTIN
Is that all you do?
MARIE
I know a song about a lark and a dove.
PEASANT WOMAN
She’s very versatile, don’t you worry. (They all turn to look at her.) But… everything has
its price. (MARIE glares at her.)
CHARLES
This profession of yours – always roaming from town to town – it’s hardly the life for
newlyweds.
JACK
True, sir. However, I’ve managed to save a few coins to establish a stabler trade.
CHARLES
Namely?
JACK
Bread-baking.
CHARLES
(Beat.) Bread-baking?
MARIE
We’ve plans to open a shop in Paris.
CHARLES
(Dead serious.) Bread-baking’s not a casual enterprise. Not a trade to be dabbled in.
MARIE
Oh, Jack was apprenticed for a time.
JACK
Yes sir, and make one hell of a raisin loaf. BUT – who can afford to apprentice these
days?
MARTIN
I hope you’re a better baker than minstrel.
JACK
You try juggling with one eye sometime.
CHARLES
How, may I ask, did you lose it?
JACK
Occupational hazard – an old routine.
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CHARLES
Juggling?
JACK
Knives. (The monks all wince.) I… don’t do that one anymore.
MARTIN
Maybe you should consider a pilgrimage. I hear they’re having luck in Bernay. (CHARLES
shoots MARTIN a look.)
JACK
(His bitterness showing through.) I prayed years for two good eyes.
CHARLES
What was the result?
JACK
Two bad knees.
MARIE
Jack…
MARTIN
Maybe your faith wasn’t strong enough.
JACK
As long as my penny landed in the plate, they didn’t seem to mind.
PEASANT WOMAN
Boy, that’s the truth.
MARIE
Let’s do another song:
CHARLES
Thank you.
MARIE
“Sad sings the lonesome mourning dove…” (She gestures for JACK to sing.)
CHARLES
(To MARIE.) You’re free to go back to the village.
PEASANT WOMAN
Wait a minute –
JACK
There’s more to the act…
MARIE
Jack, sing the response.
CHARLES
We’d like to speak with your husband alone.
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PEASANT WOMAN
You can speak to her alone, if you like.
CHARLES
That won’t be –
PEASANT WOMAN
I’m her mother, and I see nothing wrong with it.
MARTIN
That’s quite apparent.
PEASANT WOMAN
She’s worked with the clergy before.
MARIE
They said no.
CHARLES
Jack will suffice. (PEASANT WOMAN looks from JACK to CHARLES and back.)
PEASANT WOMAN
To each his own. (She exits; Marie follows, taking one last look back and catching JACK’s
eye. After a moment:)
CHARLES
Your wife has unusual grace for a local girl. Where did you meet her?
JACK
Playing the fair in Dijon.
MARTIN
Is she really your wife?
JACK
In all eyes but those of the church and the law. (Adding quickly.) But we’re to be married
shortly – as soon as we’re set with the bakery.
CHARLES
Ah yes, the bakery. (CHARLES rises.) I once knew a baker in this town – a simple man
who loved his children and revered his profession like a priest his vows. Until one year,
because of a drought, the price of grain went through the roof. So the baker had his
young son and daughter throw in handfuls of sawdust to stretch the flour.
JACK
Sawdust? (CHARLES nods.) Interesting choice.
CHARLES
However, when the drought was over, it didn’t stop. Instead, the sawdust started to
increase, until those peasants were eating more wood than wheat. And it looked as
though this might go on forever… until one morning the vicar sat down to his bread and
milk and wound up with a splinter in his lip.
JACK
Ouch.
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CHARLES
Ouch. They locked the baker in the pillory with a loaf of his own bread strung around his
neck. Then flogged him till he bled like an animal. His children ran away to renounce the
merchant world for good.
JACK
I’ll make a note of that: “No sawdust.”
CHARLES
That baker was my father.
JACK
(Beat.) I can see how that might make a boy want to change careers.
MARTIN
My father was a butcher – you don’t want to know.
JACK
And the moral of this story is…?
CHARLES
“Bread of deceit is sweet to a man; but afterwards his mouth shall be filled with gravel.”
JACK
Genesis?
MARTIN
Proverbs.
JACK
(Snapping his fingers.) Proverbs, right. I always mess up the “begats” too. Well, I
appreciate the Bible verses and the baking tips; but you didn’t hire me to save my soul or
improve my bread. So how about I tell a story now, hmm? (He starts pulling props and
costume pieces out of his bag.) I’ve got fables, I’ve got yarns – (Suggestively.) with or
without the moral…
MARTIN
Maybe later.
JACK
I can even do “The Priest and the Pig” as an epic poem. (He pops a set of pig’s ears on
his head.)
CHARLES
How about riddles?
JACK
Riddles? Certainly, riddles are a specialty: puzzlers, chucklers, teasers, pleasers…
CHARLES
Then answer me this riddle. Why might a minstrel have thirty gold pieces?
JACK
Beg pardon?
MARTIN
One ear must be deaf as well. (He stands and approaches JACK.) He said what would a
simple player be doing with thirty gold pieces?
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JACK
(Anticipating a punch line.) I don’t know, what would a simple player –
CHARLES
That string around your neck – it’s not a cross.
JACK
You know, there are much funnier riddles…
CHARLES
Could it be a purse?
JACK
Here’s one: What did the prostitute say to the bishop?
MARTIN
Let’s see it.
JACK
No, but you’re close. She said, “Is that a miter in your cassock, or –”
CHARLES
Why don’t you show us what’s in your purse?
JACK
If you’re through with my services, gentlemen, I think I should – (He starts packing his
bags.)
MARTIN
Open it up.
JACK
A poor man’s pennies are his own to count.
CHARLES
We don’t want your pennies. We’re looking for gold.
JACK
Then you’ve got the wrong man…
MARTIN
You’d swear to that?
JACK
I’ve already told / you –
CHARLES
Then swear it on the saint. Swear on Saint Foy that you weren’t paid thirty gold pieces for
delivering her imposter.
JACK
I don’t know what you’re –
CHARLES
Just swear to that. (CHARLES steps aside to give JACK clear access to the altar.
MARTIN and OLF follow
suit.) Go ahead.
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JACK
Just swear.
CHARLES
That’s right. (JACK hesitates briefly, then crosses to the altar and gingerly places his right
hand on the
bones, his left in the air.)
OLF
Right hand.
CHARLES
Thank you, Brother Olf. (To JACK.) Right hand, please. (JACK switches hands, hesitates,
starts to speak, stops, and moves quickly away from the altar.)
JACK
This is ridiculous.
MARTIN
Can’t do it, can you?
JACK
(Barely holding it together.) If I had thirty gold pieces, gentlemen, do you think I’d waste
my day in church? I’ve squandered too many others on priests and promises that never
paid off. Now I’m sorry I don’t have what you were hoping for, but maybe that makes us
even. (He crouches down, packing his bags.)
CHARLES
(Beat.) “Behold the wicked man conceives evil, and is pregnant with mischief, and brings
forth lies.” (He signals to MARTIN.)
JACK
You can quote all the proverbs you want…
CHARLES
“He makes a pit, digging it out…” (MARTIN crosses behind JACK.)
JACK
But you can’t get blood from a stone.
CHARLES
“And falls into the hole which he has made.”
JACK
Besides – (MARTIN grabs the drawstring around JACK’s neck and pulls it taut, lifting
JACK off his haunches. JACK grabs at the string that’s choking him until MARTIN
releases the tension and JACK relinquishes the purse, gasping for breath. MARTIN drops
the coins into his dish and quickly counts them.)
CHARLES
Psalm seven, verse fourteen and fifteen.
JACK
(Rubbing his neck.) You don’t say.
CHARLES
Sorry about the use of force; we normally don’t take collection this way.
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MARTIN
Pity.
CHARLES
It’s hard enough getting a penny from the locals for a peek at the saint.
MARTIN
(Pointedly, to JACK.) If she still is a saint. (MARTIN finishes counting.) Two pennies…
and thirty gold pieces.
CHARLES
What a coincidence… (MARTIN pours the coins back into the purse.)
JACK
I can explain this…
CHARLES
A one-eyed monk sells the relics of a saint to Bernay for thirty gold pieces –
JACK
It’s simple:
CHARLES
… and a one-eyed minstrel arrives from Bernay with thirty gold pieces in his purse.
JACK
Case of mistaken identity.
MARTIN
Admit it – you’re the one.
JACK
This one-eyed monk…
MARTIN
Confess!
JACK
Same height, same eye…
MARTIN
Confess!
JACK
(Defiantly.) Bless me Father for I have sinned, it’s been nineteen –
MARTIN
(Grabbing him by the front of his motley.) Not that kind of confession!
CHARLES
These relics in Bernay, whose are they?
JACK
I don’t know.
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OLF
They’re not Saint Foy.
CHARLES
Where did you get them? (JACK is silent.)
MARTIN
If you think it’s difficult juggling with one eye, try being a baker with none.
JACK
(Uncertain.) What are you talking about? (MARTIN grabs a crude-looking wooden
scimitar from the props pile and approaches JACK with it.)
MARTIN
Unless you start talking we’ll take out your tongue as well.
CHARLES
Martin.
JACK
Don’t hurt me.
MARTIN
We’ll do what we have to.
CHARLES
Stop.
MARTIN
Why should I?
CHARLES
You’re a man of peace.
MARTIN
Do you have to keep bringing that up?
CHARLES
Apparently. (To JACK.) Now: Where did you find the relics?
JACK
Promise you won’t hurt me first.
CHARLES
(Losing patience.) You’re in no position to ask for promises. Your best recourse is to
answer the question. (FELIX enters with a shovel.) Then we’ll ask you another and
another until the truth’s been told, do you understand?
MARTIN
Ah, Brother Felix. (For JACK’s benefit.) Have you finished digging the grave?
FELIX
It’s just outside the churchyard wall, like you said.
JACK
Grave? Whose grave?
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OLF
(Catching on.) It’s a secret…
FELIX
Did I miss the dancing girl?
CHARLES
I’m afraid so. (Pointedly, to JACK.) But I have a feeling you’re just in time for the story.
With or without the moral. (CHARLES places his stool by JACK. MARTIN sits him roughly
upon it. Jack swallows and begins. He starts carefully but is gradually prodded into
revealing more of the truth than he’d like.)
JACK
Well… Marie and I, we… were on our way here from the festival –
CHARLES
Dijon.
JACK
That’s right. We had hoped to earn enough to set up shop, but it didn’t work out –
MARTIN
So you plundered the chapel.
JACK
No.
CHARLES
(To MARTIN.) Let him tell it.
JACK
(Beat.) So, we stopped in Bernay, but the town was as bad off as we were. The abbess of
the convent – a large, surly –
CHARLES
We know.
JACK
… announced she was praying for a saint - hoping to attract pilgrims like Priseaux.
MARTIN
(Gesturing around him.) Oh, sure, pilgrims – look at all the pilgrims…
JACK
Anyway, she asked all the locals to contribute to the cause. And they did, they pitched in,
every last one. They were desperate for a saint. (Pause.)
CHARLES
So?
JACK
So, I… located one for them.
FELIX
You mean stole.
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MARTIN
Where? The closest saint’s another hundred miles away.
CHARLES
Which church was it – Orléans?
FELIX
Bourges.
MARTIN
Of course! St. Simon.
JACK
No.
CHARLES
You didn’t go all the way to Paris?
JACK
I didn’t have to.
MARTIN
THEN WHERE DID IT COME FROM? (JACK looks at them uncertainly.)
JACK
I dug it up. (Silence. The monks are dumbstruck.) In the dark one night I dug up a grave
and took the bones to the abbess.
MARTIN
And she bought them.
JACK
Like that. (He snaps his fingers.)
CHARLES
I’m sure she did. And reveled in the fact that after all these years she could humiliate me
one more time.
FELIX
(Beat.) Father?
JACK
You’ve met her then?
CHARLES
(Darkly.) My sister.
FELIX
Ohhhh…
CHARLES
I’m surprised she hasn’t already written to flaunt it in my face.
MARTIN
You’re telling us then these relics they call Saint Foy could be anyone?
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JACK
(Timidly.) They’re certainly someone.
CHARLES
Dear God…
FELIX
But I saw the miracles!
CHARLES
We might as well have fish monger on the altar.
MARTIN
And so you grabbed your gold and set off to start your bakery…
JACK
Yes, sir. And sorry I am things didn’t work out so well for you. Who would have thought
those smelly old bones could ever work miracles? Hoo boy. The Lord surely works in
mysterious ways. (He grabs his bags.) But now I believe I’ve overstayed my welcome: A
jester’s job is to make time fly – and it’s flown, to be sure – so I bid you farewell and hope
God treats you better in the coming months, years, and Hereafter. (He faces MARTIN.
After a beat, he holds his hand out. Pause.)
MARTIN
Are you waiting for a blessing?
JACK
No sir. My purse.
MARTIN
I’m afraid that’s impossible.
JACK
You’ve no right to keep it, I earned it myself.
CHARLES
You mean stole it, don’t you?
JACK
I stole nothing but bones that belonged to God.
MARTIN
Then consider this payment to God. (He starts walking away with the purse.)
JACK
Give me my money! I didn’t touch a finger of your saint.
FELIX
The Pope would swear otherwise.
JACK
There are other authorities besides the Pope; and by law, stealing a purse is a punishable
crime.
MARTIN
Our saint is –
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JACK
Your saint is right there! Anyone can see that. And you’ll have a hard time convincing the
provost that I’m the thief while you’re holding my thirty gold coins. (MARTIN, uncertain,
looks at CHARLES. Pause.)
CHARLES
Brother Olf – introduce Jack to your moneychanger.
OLF
(Beat.) Really?
CHARLES
Yes, really.
OLF
(Confidentially.) He’s not in very good shape.
CHARLES
All the better.
OLF
Okay. (He exits.)
JACK
Moneychanger? (They are silent.) What’s a moneychanger got to do with anything? (They
remain silent.) I’m not changing a penny. This is the coin of the realm, and if you think I’m
going to – (OLF enters with the sack, leaving it at JACK’s feet.) Let me guess:
CHARLES, MARTIN, FELIX, & OLF
Moneychanger.
JACK
Uh-huh.
CHARLES
This man was found dead on the road from Bernay.
JACK
So? (MARTIN exchanges a glance with CHARLES.)
MARTIN
If you tell the provost we stole your gold, we’ll say you murdered him.
FELIX
That would be a lie.
MARTIN
He’s lied to us.
FELIX
Still, it doesn’t make it right ---
CHARLES
When it comes down to stories, which will he believe: the word of a minstrel or that of the
church? (JACK looks worried.)
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MARTIN
We’ll save you a shady spot next to him. (MARTIN gestures to the sack. Suddenly, JACK
makes a break for the door.) Catch him! (There is a brief scuffle as FELIX and OLF
recapture JACK and drag him back in, holding him painfully by the arms.)
JACK
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Look… I’ll split the money with you.
CHARLES
(His anger building.) I don’t want the money, I want Saint Foy.
JACK
I didn’t steal Saint Foy.
CHARLES
You may never have laid a hand on her, but rest assures she is gone for good – (He
approaches the altar) this patron of those whose faith has died, who came here in
despair, disillusioned. As I did; as did Brother Felix. (FELIX lowers his eyes.) Even after
the miracles stopped, we still had a trickle of pilgrims in summer, locals on holy days, still
had a blessing from the Pope, but now… (Growing more intense.) Now Saint Foy resides
in Bernay, the Pope says prayers at her feet, the pilgrims flock by the hundreds, and this
is just a bunch of BONES! (He knocks apart the relics, sending bones flying.)
MARTIN
Charles!
OLF
Father! (FELIX gasps, releases JACK’s arm, and quickly gathers up the bones in the red
shroud. OLF takes both of JACK’s arms. CHARLES takes a femur from the pile and
brandishes it, approaching JACK.)
JACK
(Terrified.) Keep it… keep the gold.
CHARLES
I told you, we don’t want your gold.
MARTIN
Yes we do.
CHARLES
I don’t want it.
JACK
It’s all I’ve got.
CHARLES
Very well. (To OLF.) Tell the provost a murder’s been committed –
JACK
Wait –
CHARLES
… a moneychanger robbed and the thief apprehended with the booty in his purse.
JACK
I’ll do anything, please…
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CHARLES
Then make her a saint again! (CHARLES pokes the femur under JACK’s jaw, forcing his
head back.) Make
her a saint like those bones in Bernay. I will not let this church be destroyed, do you hear
me?
JACK
If you’ll just let me speak…
MARTIN
You’ve spoken enough.
JACK
This saint in Bernay’s not a saint at all, she’s a… he’s a pig farmer, don’t you see?
MARTIN
Tell it to the woman with the oozing lump.
JACK
Exactly. It’s who they think it is that matters.
OLF
But what about the miracles?
JACK
Miracles don’t happen.
FELIX
I saw them!
JACK
(Lifting his eye patch for them to see.) I’m walking proof they don’t happen! (They are
revulsed. JACK replaces the patch.) Now, maybe somebody’s cough got better, maybe
someone doesn’t lisp anymore – call it luck, call it wishful thinking, the point is: It could be
anybody’s bones. Take… take this corpse for example. A man nobody knows by name,
just “moneychanger,” just a body. You might as well call him a saint for all the difference it
makes.
MARTIN
Oh, right…
FELIX
That’s blasphemy!
MARTIN
And I suppose you’d have us boil his bones and sell him to another church to pay our
debts, hmm? Pass him off as some kind of martyr like you’ve done God knows how many
times. Well it isn’t so simple, jester, not so simple at all; to being with – (He stops short.
He looks as the sack, then back at JACK. Then back at the sack. Finally, to CHARLES:)
Tell me why it’s not that simple.
JACK
(Quietly.) It is that simple.
FELIX
(To MARTIN.) You can’t be suggesting –
MARTIN
I’ve suggested nothing.
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FELIX
It may be simple, but it’s a sacrilege! (To CHARLES.) Father, you can’t believe this man
could be a saint.
MARTIN
No one’s said he’s holy.
FELIX
He wasn’t even Christian!
MARTIN
Still, his contributions to the Church may yet prove substantial…
CHARLES
Martin – think about what you’re suggesting.
MARTIN
He suggested it.
CHARLES
Charging a penny a prayer is one thing, but this…
MARTIN
I know.
CHARLES
It’s outright deceit.
MARTIN
I know. Why didn’t we think of it before?
CHARLES
But surely there’s Judgment for such a thing.
MARTIN
You said yourself that God would provide. You’ve prayed for solutions, and behold, one
rises from the road to Bernay. Maybe that’s Providence. Maybe that’s God’s way of
helping us help ourselves. (Pause.)
CHARLES
How… simple is it?
FELIX
Father!
CHARLES
As guardian of this house I must examine all our options.
FELIX
Yes, but –
CHARLES
All of them. (FELIX is silent.) Jack?
JACK
The body in this bag? It could be St. Philip, or Andrew, or any of the great martyrs.
OLF
St. John the Evangelist?
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JACK
For example.
CHARLES
So, what you’re saying is: if... in theory, we… boiled this man’s bones… we could sell him
to another church as St. Philip? In theory.
JACK
As long as they didn’t already have him.
CHARLES
Fascinating.
FELIX
Forgive me, Father, but this isn’t why you renounced the world – to become as corrupt as
the merchant class. (This hits CHARLES somewhat. FELIX continues.) We are men of
the noblest ideals, on a mission from Christ to help the unfortunate –
MARTIN
And if we fail in that mission, will it matter how noble we were? (To CHARLES.) There’s a
shoemaker’s family that won’t get supper tonight because of our high ideals. I turned
away fourteen others today; is this the ideal of Christian charity?
CHARLES
Martin’s right. We’re on the precipice, Felix. The abyss opens at our feet. If, somehow,
by… soiling our hands just a bit, we can make it to the other side, mightn’t that justify our
compromise?
OLF
Father…?
CHARLES
(Firmly.) The decision is mine to make.
OLF
Yes, of course, but in case you forgot…
CHARLES
What is it?
OLF
Well, his finger… like I said, it’s cut off at the joint.
MARTIN
(To JACK.) Would that mean we couldn’t use him? (For CHARLES’ benefit.) In theory.
JACK
Think of it this way: This man’s murderer kept his ring and threw the finger in a ditch. He
didn’t realize the finger alone was worth more than a handful of rings.
OLF
The finger?
JACK
If it’s the finger of St. Paul. (The possibilities settle in.)
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CHARLES
You don’t mean…
FELIX
No…
JACK
I do.
CHARLES
You do?
MARTIN
We could sell him for parts!
JACK
Indeed.
FELIX
“For parts”?
MARTIN
The leg of St. Philip, the foot of St. Peter, two arms, nine fingers…
JACK
And the list goes on. Not to mention… (He stops dramatically and pauses.) But no, that’s
going too far.
(He goes for his bags.)
MARTIN
No it isn’t…
JACK
(Picking up his bags.) After all, you’re not in this for profit…
MARTIN
Who said that? What is it?
CHARLES
You said “not to mention,” not to mention what? (JACK pauses, bags in hand.)
JACK
Not to mention your very own graveyard just outside the door.
CHARLES
(Not understanding.) Our very own…? (JACK nods slowly.)
MARTIN
(Quietly ecstatic.) Oh my god…
FELIX
(Quietly, horrified.) Oh my God…
JACK
Hundreds of skeletons, all of them Christian… (For FELIX’s benefit.) in case religion
remains an issue.
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MARTIN
“Lord, how manifold are thy works…”
CHARLES
But –
MARTIN
“The earth is full of thy riches.”
CHARLES
Martin, no…
MARTIN
Yes!
CHARLES
Our own parishioners…
MARTIN
Serving their church in death as they couldn’t in life.
CHARLES
Perhaps, but – I don’t know…
MARTIN
We’ll be back in the good deeds business: feeding the poor, healing the sick, clothing the
naked. And, with what’s left over, we’ll fix up the chapel, dredge out the library, maybe a
little stained glass – just a little?
(CHARLES hesitates.)
JACK
What better way to trump the abbess?
CHARLES
But, it amounts to grave-robbing – we couldn’t do that.
MARTIN
No of course we couldn’t; that’s the beauty of it.
CHARLES
How do you mean?
MARTIN
We’d leave that to him, (MARTIN points at JACK.)
FELIX
What?
JACK
What are you talking about?
MARTIN
We’re grateful for your theories, really; your insights on commerce are most refreshing.
But I don’t think we’d know where to start. Would we, Charles?
CHARLES
Ah. No.
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MARTIN
You see, we sometimes put souls in the ground; we’re not accustomed to removing them.
JACK
Nor am I.
CHARLES
Yet your experience makes you somewhat of an expert.
JACK
Please I beg of you…
MARTIN
(To CHARLES.) It’s gone beyond that now, don’t you think?
CHARLES
I do. It’s clear that in order to resurrect our church, you must become a brother of this
house.
JACK
What?
FELIX
A brother?
MARTIN
With all corresponding vows, of course.
JACK
But I… I’m a married man!
CHARLES
Not in the eyes of the law, nor the church.
JACK
You can’t – I can’t become a monk, I – you can’t do this!
MARTIN
A moneychanger’s murderer is still at large…
JACK
That’s –
MARTIN
Nonetheless, I’m certain I could point him out if called upon. I’m sure I could. (JACK starts
to speak, but cannot. MARTIN removes his crucifix.) Now you can place a cross or a
noose around your neck. The choice is yours. (JACK sees they are dead serious.
MARTIN holds the crucifix out to JACK. Pause.)
JACK
There doesn’t seem to be much of a choice.
MARTIN
So much for Free Will. (He places the crucifix around JACK’s neck.)
CHARLES
When there’s a saint upon the altar and the Pope comes to pray, you can have your
purse and your motley back. Till then you’ll practice poverty, obedience… and chastity.
(JACK looks at MARTIN, who smiles cruelly.) Brother Felix, get the new novice a robe
and a bowl, and a blanket to sleep on. (FELIX starts to object.) He’s going to be staying
with us for a while.
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FELIX
Yes, Father. (FELIX starts to lead off a dazed JACK.)
OLF
What about the moneychanger? (All stop and look at CHARLES. Long pause. He walks
over to the sack.)
CHARLES
In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti.
MARTIN, FELIX, & OLF
(Crossing themselves.) Amen.
CHARLES
(Simply.) Cut him up. (Blackout.)
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ACT TWO
Scene One

The chapter house, a few months later. The place is in better shape than before. Perhaps
the books are shelved neatly; walls which were cracking or falling in are being repaired;
and there is now a touch of stained glass in the windows. Four large sacks similar to the
sack in Act One lie on the floor, as do a number of smaller sacks. Large sacks contain
complete bodies dug from the grave; small sacks contain boiled body parts. The altar is
empty; a broom leans against it. A recent invention call the wheelbarrow rests near by.
MARTIN and FELIX sport new-looking habits, more elaborate than before. MARTIN sits
at his table making notes in a ledger. FELIX looks in a small sack.

FELIX
Where’s this one going?
MARTIN
What is it?
FELIX
Looks like a collarbone.
MARTIN
That would be Saint Cecilia. Make sure it goes out to Strasbourg this morning. (FELIX
nods, setting it aside.) And remind them to pay us in cash, not books. (Half to himself.)
We’ve been copying books for 300 years, the last thing we need is more books.
FEILX
And St. Clement?
MARTIN
What about him?
FELIX
Milan wanted something from St. Clement.
MARTIN
Well…do we have any feet left? (FELIX looks inside another small sack.)
FELIX
Three.
MARTIN
Give them a foot, then.
FELIX
Right or left?
MARTIN
I don’t care, just don’t break up a set. (FELIX nods as CHARLES enters wearing a new
habit. He carries a large piece of bread and occasionally tears off hunks and eats them.)
CHARLES
Good day, brothers.
MARTIN
Good day.
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FELIX
Father.
CHARLES
Busy in here as usual, I see. (Looking in the first sack.) Who’s this?
MARTIN
(Not looking up.) Saint Cecilia.
CHARLES
Looks like a collarbone. Where’s it going?
FELIX
Strasbourg.
CHARLES
(To MARTIN.) Aren’t they the ones who paid us in books?
MARTIN
It won’t happen again.
CHARLES
Good. We’ll need the cash for the chandler’s shop.
FELIX
Not another fire?
CHARLES
Candle wax everywhere…Can you find beds for twelve?
MARTIN
Twelve!
CHARLES
His children, wife, her father, an apprentice…
MARTIN
I’ll see what I can do, but –
CHARLES
(To FELIX) The money goes straight to John the Carpenter. He’s rebuilding everything.
FELIX
Yes, Father.
CHARLES
“For the needy shall not always be forgotten…” (He takes a bite of bread.)
FELIX
(To MARTIN.) Did you want to ask him about Siena?
MARTIN
Not just yet, thank you. (FELIX nods and exits.)
CHARLES
Siena?
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MARTIN
A small logistical problem. I didn’t want to bother you…
CHARLES
What is it?
MARTIN
They want the head of John the Baptist.
CHARLES
Sell it to them.
MARTIN
We already sold it to Lisbon.
CHARLES
So?
MARTIN
And Dresden.
CHARLES
Oh…
MARTIN
(Reading from his ledger.) And Naples, Madrid, Canterbury, York…
CHARLES
Will that send the price down?
MARTIN
How many heads can the market bear? Thank God their abbots don’t speak to each
other.
CHARLES
Maybe we could interest them in someone else. The head of St. Lupus, or an arm from
Adalbert of Egmond…
MARTIN
They want a name. Pilgrims won’t come to Siena without someone special.
CHARLES
What about St. James the Greater?
MARTIN
(Beat.) All of him?
CHARLES
Head to heel.
MARTIN
It would cost them…
CHARLES
Money’s no concern, I’m sure; they’ve been hoarding it for centuries.
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MARTIN
Then St. James it is! (MARTIN goes back to his parchment. CHARLES wanders to the
altar, taking another bite of bread.)
CHARLES
What do you think of the walnut honey bread?
MARTIN
Second only to yours. It seems we’ve profited from both of Brother Norbert’s talents.
CHARLES
Indeed. (CHARLES runs his hand over the empty altar.) We may not be “healing lepers”
or “restoring sight to the blind,” but at least we’re helping the needy. (Martin looks up at
him.) That must count for something.
MARTIN
Not another letter from the abbess…
CHARLES
Yesterday. His Holiness is in Bernay.
MARTIN
Again?
CHARLES
She wrote me just to rub it in. “There’ve been more miracles then we can count,” she
says, but she’s counted every piddling little one of them.
MARTIN
They seem to be cementing their relationship with Rome.
CHARLES
Our time will come. For now we ought to be satisfied feeding the hungry, caring for the
needy—
MARTIN
For now, perhaps…
CHARLES
Doing what we were meant to do.
MARTIN
If only it could go on forever.
CHARLES
There’s plenty of poor—we won’t run out.
MARTIN
The poor aren’t the problem. (CHARLES looks at MARTIN.) We’re running out of bodies.
CHARLES
(Beat.) Already? (MARTIN nods.) Even when you cut them up?
MARTIN
A finger here, an ankle there…It all adds up. People only die every so often.
CHARLES
That’s not good.
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MARTIN
Our last three burials, we’ve had the bodies out of the ground and on the road in forty-
eight hours. As I’ve said time and again, we need to think about a long-term resource.
CHARLES
You know how I feel. If we just had a saint—
MARTIN
We’ve had dozens of saints!
CHARLES
You know what I mean.
MARTIN
Just pick a sack and call him what you will.
CHARLES
I mean a real saint.
MARTIN
Half the ones we’ve sold are working miracles now; that peasant woman’s husband cured
a cripple in Cremona.
CHARLES
I don’t care! A pig farmer may be good enough for Lisbon, or Dresden, or Bernay, but I
want a true saint on our altar.
MARTIN
We had one; she couldn’t cure a runny nose. (OLF enters carrying a sack.)
OLF
Hello, Father. (To MARTIN.) Churchyard’s empty. (He drops the sack with a thud.)
MARTIN
You mean this is it?
OLF
The very last.
MARTIN
(To CHARLES) There— we’ve run out.
OLF
I thought I’d found another, but it turned out to be something of a dog.
MARTIN
(Beat.) Big or little?
CHARLES
Martin…
MARTIN
I’m sure we could get some relic from it.
CHARLES
What, “the tail of St. Bernard”? No, let the dog rest in peace.
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MARTIN
Very Well. (To OLF.) Start a kettle, then boil this down. It needs to go to Siena tomorrow.
OLF
Who is it?
MARTIN
St. James.
OLF
(Impressed.) St. James the Greater?
MARTIN
No, St. James the grocer, yes of course the Greater. (OLF crosses himself reverently and
starts out, crossing paths with FELIX, who enters with a letter.)
FELIX
(To MARTIN.) Excuse me…
MARTIN
(To OLF as he exits.) And boil down the others while you’re at it; we’ll need them soon
enough.
CHARLES
(To FELIX.) What is it?
FELIX
This letter just arrived from Bernay.
CHARLES
I don’t believe it…
MARTIN
Another one?
CHARLES
You see? She won’t let up. (He takes the letter.)
FELIX
It’s –
CHARLES
Salt in the wound, just like when we were chil— (He stops short, looking at the letter.) The
seal is from Rome.
FELIX
It’s…for Brother Martin. (CHARLES turns the letter over. He looks over at MARTIN.)
MARTIN
(Sheepishly.) For me?
CHARLES
(Beat.) I didn’t know you were pen pals with the Pope.
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MARTIN
Charles…
CHARLES
Funny— took me years before he’d answer a letter of mine.
MARTIN
I told you we needed to court him.
CHARLES
(Opening the letter.) So you wrote him yourself.
MARTIN
A line here, a line there…
CHARLES
Behind my back. (He begins reading.)
MARTIN
Without his blessing we’re nothing but a butcher shop. If you want to restore our
reputation, he’s got to pay a visit.
CHARLES
(As he reads.) And what makes you think he’d accept your invit—(Pause.) Good God.
FELIX
What is it?
CHARLES
He’s coming.
MARTIN
What!? (He rushes to CHARLES’ side to read with him.)
CHARLES
What day is it?
FELIX
Tuesday.
CHARLES
He’s coming today!
MARTIN
But—
CHARLES
We’ve got to get ready. Felix—
MARTIN
Wait! We’ve nothing to show him.
CHARLES
No, but half our congregation is lying about the room in sacks, and I think it might draw
his attention. (To FELIX, as MARTIN finishes the letter.) Tally up what’s left, which are
spoken for, and hide them in the pantry.
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FELIX
The pantry?
CHARLES
Just do it! Now’s not the time for a moral dilemma. (FELIX goes to the small sacks on the
floor. MARTIN looks a little sick.) Why, tell me why, after all this time…
MARTIN
Charles…
CHARLES
Why would he choose to come right now?
MARTIN
I think I know.
CHARLES
When I begged him for years to see Saint Foy…
MARTIN
I promised him an incorruptible. (Pause.)
CHARLES
You what.
MARTIN
I told you we had to promise a miracle!
CHARLES
A little one, maybe, not an incorruptible!
MARTIN
I assumed we’d have time to locate one.
CHARLES
Locate one?
MARTIN
Well—
CHARLES
You think they sell them in the marketplace, beside the fish? This couldn’t be worse…(He
begins pacing agitatedly.)
MARTIN
Yes it could.
CHARLES
The Pope is coming, there are skeletons everywhere except on the altar, and he expects
to find an incorruptible. What could possibly be worse?
MARTIN
Your sister’s coming too.
CHARLES
No. (He snatches the letter from MARTIN and scans it.) No, no, no, no, NO!
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MARTIN
I didn’t invite her…
CHARLES
You didn’t have to, she smells defeat. Can we send a messenger—tell them not to come?
MARTIN
His Holiness would never come back.
CHARLES
You’re right. You’re right, we’re doomed either way. (Shutting his eyes.) “Save me, O
God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no
foothold.” (CHARLES leans heavily on the altar. Pause.)
MARTIN
Maybe there is.
CHARLES
(Not looking up. Beat.) What.
MARTIN
A foothold.
CHARLES
(Turning.) What do you mean?
MARTIN
(Carefully, walking him out of FELIX’s earshot.) It could be a long shot – one never
knows, but—there might be someone who could help us out.
CHARLES
Who? How?
MARTIN
(Beat.) Brother Norbert.
CHARLES
Brother Nor— ? (MARTIN nods. Pause.) You don’t mean…?
MARTIN
I do. (Pause.)
CHARLES
But we can’t—
MARTIN
We have to –- what choice do we have? (Beat.) Unless you want to stand by an empty
altar as the Pope and your sister laugh behind your back. (CHARLES moves away,
troubled. Long pause. Finally:)
CHARLES
Where is he?
MARTIN
Felix, where’s brother Norbert?
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FELIX
I haven’t seen him since High Mass.
CHARLES
Do you really think —
MARTIN
If we asked him in the right way…(Pause.)
CHARLES
Well, in that case, we’d better go find him; we don’t have much time.
MARTIN
I’ll start with the bake house. (To FELIX.) Stay with the inventory and make sure it’s
finished. And tell Brother Olf to bring in the dog. (Off Charles’ look:) Well waste not, want
not. (He is gone. CHARLES lingers for a moment, deep in thought. Pause.)
FELIX
Father? (CHARLES is shaken from his reverie.)
CHARLES
Yes?
FELIX
Is something the matter? (Long pause.)
CHARLES
(Wearily.) I wanted to be a baker once. (He exits. FELIX watches him go, then begins
placing smaller sacks in the wheelbarrow. As he does, JACK pokes his head inside a
door, looks hastily around, then enters stealthily. Dressed in a habit and carrying a large
sack over his shoulder, he crosses the room quickly.)
JACK
I’m passing through the chapter house, so keep your yapper shut.
FELIX
Brother Norbert. (JACK screams in surprise.) I frightened you, I’m sorry.
JACK
No, please, I…simply felt like screaming.
FELIX
Who were you taking to?
JACK
No one. No, I…it’s this vow of silence, I’m still not used to it, so…so I just…talk. To
myself.
FELIX
I understand.
JACK
And now and then I scream. (He screams, as before.) See?
FELIX
What are you carrying?
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JACK
What, oh this? Uh, it’s…well, you know. Last one.
FELIX
Last one?
JACK
All done, churchyard’s empty.
FELIX
Brother Olf said he’d found the last one.
JACK
He did? He did, that’s true, but…then I found this one. Over in the corner. Under a stump.
FELIX
Oh. Why don’t you put it down?
JACK
Yes— you’re right, I ought to put it down. Funny how you get so used to carrying a sack
on your shoulder, you just plain forget to put it down. Know what I mean? (FELIX shakes
his head.) Didn’t think so. Well. Why don’t I just put it down then? Here I go, putting it
down. There. (He places it with the other large sacks, the removes his crucifix and places
it on the sack, marking it. FELIX returns to his work.)
FELIX
Father and Brother Martin are looking for you.
JACK
Me? Why?
FELIX
His Holiness is coming.
JACK
Whose Holiness? (FELIX looks at him.) You mean the Pope?
FELIX
I suppose I should be excited— we’ve waited so long to get him here. But…
JACK
What. (FELIX drops a small sack on the wheelbarrow.)
FELIX
This isn’t why I took my vows, to pull peasants from their graves.
JACK
Funny, it’s the only reason I took mine.
FELIX
And yet you seem at home here— more at home then me. You keep your vows, your
black molasses bread’s the best we’ve ever had.
JACK
Slice it thin, little dab of butter?
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FELIX
(Pointedly.) All you lack is faith.
JACK
It didn’t seem to be a requirement.
FELIX
I know how hard it must be— after all the years you prayed for your eye. Your sight died,
so your faith died with it.
JACK
Yeah, well, after a knife in the eye, losing your faith’s not such a big deal.
FELIX
Otherwise, monastic life seems to suit you perfectly.
JACK
(Uncomfortable.) Well, you know minstrels. We adapt. We’re always adapting. (OLF
enters, goes to the large sacks, and takes hold of two, including JACK’s. Seeing the
crucifix, he removes it and places it on an adjacent sack.)
FELIX
Don’t you miss your wife?
JACK
My what, my wife? What makes you think I’d miss my wife?
FELIX
I would. (OLF begins dragging the two sacks out.)
JACK
Well. Of course, the…”pangs of the flesh” sometimes… (OLF groans in agreement and
rolls his eyes, then exits with the sacks. JACK notices the sacks, but seeing his crucifix
still there, he continues.) To be expected, BUT – all in all, I think celibacy is my natural
state.”
FELIX
How enviable.
JACK
Love it. Wake up every morning saying “Thank God I’m chaste another day.” (Beat.) Well
maybe I should take this sack out of here. (He goes for the sack with the crucifix.)
FELIX
I almost married once. (JACK stops.)
JACK
You did?
FELIX
My parents were nobles, and hers were peasants, so we could only meet at night, in
secret. She’d sing a certain song at my window, and I’d sing back. Then we’d sneak into
the forest to…”frolic.” (He looks at JACK with a knowing smile.)
JACK
Huh. I never would’ve pegged you as a frolicker.
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FELIX
Naturally, my family wouldn’t let us marry. I pleaded with them— begged— but they
forbade me to ever see her again. So instead, we made a beautiful decision.
JACK
To elope.
FELIX
No, to drown ourselves. (Pause.)
JACK
Okay…
FELIX
A “double baptism of love,” we called it. That night, when the moon rose over the valley
we walked to the middle of the old stone bridge. Then plunged through the dark to
breathe the river in. (He pauses for a breath.) But... I couldn’t do it. I just kept holding my
breath and bobbing up to the surface, just bobbing back up, and... our hands came apart.
(Beat.) I dove down again and again to find her, join her, but... I couldn’t. And she never
came back up. (JACK nods, understanding.) I was so ashamed, I fled the village
and joined this order. You’re told it’s the same as being married, you’re “married to the
church,” but... one never knows. (There is an uncomfortable pause; finally, JACK starts
to move toward the sack again.)
JACK
Well.
FELIX
I sleep with her.
JACK
(Beat.) Who?
FELIX
Saint Foy. I saved her bones when they cleared the altar.
JACK
(Fighting back his disgust. Beat.) I guess it beats sleeping alone.
FELIX
You don’t understand – I’m the only one who still believes in her powers. They say years
ago the mere touch of her bones could restore a lost limb, or bring back a loved one. I
know she’s only waiting for an act of real faith to grant miracles again. (OLF enters again,
goes to the sacks.) Though sometimes I think... a true love truly realized must be the
greatest miracle of all.
OLF
Father’s wondering why you haven’t finished yet.
FELIX
(To JACK, distastefully.) Well – back to “business.” (FELIX picks up the ledger and places
it in the wheelbarrow.)
JACK
I guess I’d better tidy up here – you know, with the Big Guy coming and all. (JACK grabs
the broom by the altar and begins sweeping so as to block OLF’s access to the sack
marked with the crucifix. FELIX exits with the wheelbarrow as OLF disappears opposite,
dragging the two other sacks. Seeing the coast is clear, JACK drops the broom and runs
to the remaining sack.) They’re gone. (JACK puts his crucifix back on.)
Are you asleep, I said – (He looks inside the sack, screams, and runs out the door after
OLF.)

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JACK
(Off.) Olf! Olf, wait a second, wait a second! Not that one...
OLF
(Off.) But –
JACK
(Off.) Give it to me.
OLF
(Off.) I’m supposed to boil them down.
JACK
(Off.) Not this one. (He looks in the offstage sack and screams.) No, that one’s fine.
Where’s...
OLF
(Off.) What are you –
JACK
(Off.) This one – give me this one back.
OLF
(Off.) But... why?
JACK
(Entering.) Because... I haven’t counted it yet.
OLF
(Following him on.) Oh.
JACK
Here, why don’t you take this one instead? (He kicks the remaining sack.)
OLF
It’s got to be St. James.
JACK
St. James, perfect. This is your man, then.
OLF
Are you sure?
JACK
Spitting image of old St. James. Take a peek. (OLF looks in the sack, then back to
JACK.)
OLF
They all look the same to me.
JACK
(Encouragingly.) Give it time. (OLF drags the sack off. When JACK is certain he is gone,
he exhales deeply and sets his sack down in a vertical position.) Sorry. Bit of a close call
there. (He pulls down the top of the sack, revealing MARIE. She is furious. She wears a
simple peasant’s tunic; her hair is down.)
MARIE
You. Are an idiot! (She slaps him.)
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JACK
Ow!
MARIE
That’s the last time I get in this stinking sack.
JACK
Shhh.
MARIE
Christ, I smell like a corpse, the whole place reeks... And some monk wants me to be St.
James.
JACK
They’re –
MARIE
C’mere. (She kisses him full on the mouth for several seconds.) And you going on about
the “pangs of the flesh.” You’re as celibate as a sheep.
JACK
It’s just to keep them from catching on.
MARIE
So you leave me in the hall for an hour while you sit around and chant?
JACK
You heard the bells, it was High Mass.
MARIE
I’m beginning to think you like it here. And what’s this “Brother Norbert” crap?
JACK
We change our names when we take our vows.
MARIE
You don’t even look like a Norbert.
JACK
I’m trying to fit in, that’s all.
MARIE
Till when? You’ve emptied the graveyard, they’re back on their feet –
JACK
Look, get in the sack...
MARIE
I’m through with the sack.
JACK
They’re bound to come in. I’ll take you to my cell.
MARIE
No.
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JACK
You’ll be on your way in half an hour.
MARIE
You come with me.
JACK
I can’t.
MARIE
Why not?
JACK
They’ll say I killed that Jew from Bernay.
MARIE
There is no more Jew, he’s Saint Agnes of Antwerp!
JACK
Then what about the thirty gold pieces?
MARIE
What about them?
JACK
The abbot promised to give them back.
MARIE
If you believe that –
JACK
He gave me his word.
MARIE
And just how much butter and flour will that buy? (Beat.) Look, Jack, there’s something
you should know
– (MARTIN and CHARLES are heard offstage.)
JACK
Sweet Jesus, get in the sack.
MARIE
What?
JACK
Hurry, someone’s coming. (He grabs the sack.)
MARIE
I need to tell you –
JACK
Here. (He throws it over her head.)
MARIE
Jack!
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JACK
Play dead. (JACK picks her up.)
MARIE
Son of a –
JACK
(Singing.) Hey, ho, alas lackaday... (Etc. He carries her to her previous spot and sets her
down just as
MARTIN and CHARLES enter in mid-conversation.)
CHARLES
I want nothing to do with it.
MARTIN
It’s too late now, you – (Seeing JACK, he abruptly turns diplomat.) Jack – Felix said you
were here.
JACK
Hello, Brother. Father.
CHARLES
Brother Norbert. (There is a long, awkward pause.)
MARTIN
How are things in the bake house?
JACK
Oh, you know – busy... baking.
CHARLES & MARTIN
(Variously.) Good, good...
JACK
Felix said you were looking for me.
MARTIN
Yes, we had a... have... a very important matter to discuss.
JACK
I heard the Pope’s coming.
MARTIN
Finally. We only had to promise something rather... rash.
JACK
Such as?
MARTIN
An incorruptible.
JACK
A what?
CHARLES
A saint so holy its body refuses to decay.
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JACK
(Beat.) Okay...
MARTIN
It’s a miracle.
CHARLES
This wasn’t my idea, we –
MARTIN
Charles...
CHARLES
To get the Pope here in the first place is a miracle. We mustn’t fail to justify his trip.
JACK
Well, I don’t think I can help you there. (Referring to the sack.) Bodies tend to lose their
luster after two or three days.
MARTIN
An incorruptible’s very rare.
JACK
I’d say nonexistent. Even if His Holiness believes –
CHARLES
That’s all we need.
MARTIN
That… and a body, of course. (Beat.) If you could... locate one...
CHARLES
That hasn’t decayed yet.
JACK
When’s the Pope coming?
CHARLES
Today.
JACK
TODAY!
MARTIN
It’s very short notice, but popes drop in.
JACK
Short notice? What do you think, some sickly peasant’s going to stumble in here on his
last dying breath?
CHARLES
(Increasingly agitated.) You’re right...
JACK
Even if we went out looking, we’d – (Beat.) Wait a second.
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CHARLES
(Starting out.) Martin, would you take care of this?
JACK
You... you want me to off someone.
MARTIN
We want you to find an incorruptible. Where you find it is up to you. (CHARLES starts out
again. JACK grabs his habit.)
JACK
No, hold on.
CHARLES
(Helpless.) Martin...?
MARTIN
(Trying to pry him off.) Let go.
JACK
That’s what you’re saying, you’re –
CHARLES
No.
JACK
You’re asking me to kill –
CHARLES
(Pulling free.) IT’S NOT MY FAULIT I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! (CHARLES
stares at JACK for a moment, then leaves hurriedly.)
JACK
What’s going on here?
MARTIN
He wants to keep his habit clean.
JACK
Don’t we all. Look, finding bodies already dead is one thing. Making them dead is
another.
MARTIN
Well, you can’t expect us to do it, can you?
JACK
No one should have – no, I won’t do it. (MARTIN remains impassive.) I won’t, forget it; I’m
not – NO.
MARTIN
(Beat.) Maybe you missed the point; this isn’t a request... (He removes a knife from his
belt and approaches JACK, who backs quickly away.)
JACK
Oh, Jesus...
MARTIN
You’ll find us a body, or you’ll be the body.
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JACK
That’s a knife, that’s a real knife...
MARTN
I’m offering you the handle.
JACK
What if I won’t take it?
MARTIN
Then you’ll get the point.
JACK
Wait...
MARTIN
There’s no time left for “wait” or “let’s see” or “tell you in the morning.” Take it! (MARTIN
pushes the handle of the knife into JACK’s hands. JACK holds it awkwardly, not wanting
to touch it.) Come back within the hour; and don’t make a mess. (MARTIN starts out.)
JACK
Whatever happened to “Love thy neighbor”?
MARTIN
(Turning back.) Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. (He exits.)
JACK
(Shouting after him.) I’ve done more sinning since I joined the church! (Long pause. JACK
just stands there, stunned.)
MARIE
(Inside the sack.) What the hell kind of religion is this?
JACK
Their ideals are high. It’s just that their overhead’s higher.
MARIE
Don’t defend them.
JACK
I’m not, I’m not, I’m thinking of a way out.
MARIE
Shouldn’t that involve running around checking out windows and doors?
JACK
(Looking at the knife.) How old is your mother?
MARIE
What?
JACK
(Shaking off the idea.) Never mind. I’ve got it: (He pulls the sack off MARIE.) I’ll take you
back, then check in the village; maybe someone just died.
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MARIE
What are you talking about?
JACK
I can’t just leave.
MARIE
Why not?
JACK
They’ve still got my money.
MARIE
They’re also sticking knives in your face! Now listen to me –
JACK
(Ditching the knife.) Wait, let’s just get you out of here –
MARIE
No, Jack, not just me, both of us.
JACK
I can’t yet, but –
MARIE
Listen to me, please:
JACK
Marie…
MARIE
I’m pregnant. (Pause.)
JACK
Hoo boy, have you got terrible timing. (He sits.)
MARIE
Tell me about it! So much for the rhythm method...
JACK
Whose baby is it?
MARIE
(Beat.) Yours.
JACK
How do you know?
MARIE
I DON’T KNOW! Mother’s had me working overtime since you disappeared. The point is,
if you married me, it would be yours. (JACK drops his head into his hands.) She’s ready
to rip your head off. Thinks you just skipped town with the money from the show.
JACK
So it’s not her money.
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MARIE
If she knew you were here – (OLF is heard singing a snatch from JACK’s song.)
JACK
Terrific; it’s him again. Play dead. (She makes a grunt of frustration as he throws the sack
over her head
again. OLF enters.)
OLF
I came back for the sack.
JACK
I’m not done counting it yet.
OLF
(Beat.) How long does it take to count one sack?
JACK
I’ve only got one eye, remember? Takes me twice as long. Listen, go back and work on
St. James, I’ll be
done in a jiffy.
OLF
(Beat.) You think I’m stupid, don’t you?
JACK
Noooooo...
OLF
Everybody thinks I’m stupid. But I know what you’re up to.
JACK
(Beat.) You do?
OLF
(Conspiratorially.) You’re just going slow so you don’t have to work so hard.
JACK
Yes! Yes, you’re right. Guess you got my number... (He puts his arm around OLF.)
OLF
I won’t tell anymore.
JACK
Thanks, pal, I owe you. (He starts leading OLF out again.)
OLF
It’s not really breaking your vows.
JACK
Nooooo...
OLF
And you put in all those extra hours baking bread.
JACK
(At the doorway with OLF.) That’s right, I do. Hey, what’s your favorite? (OLF thinks. Long
pause.) No hurry. You tell me when you think of it. (He pushes OLF out and rushes back
to the sack.) You’re better off out of the sack, come on. We’ve got to be light on our feet.
(He runs to the far door as MARIE wriggles out.)
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MARIE
In the sack, out of the sack, in the sack –
JACK
Damn – not this way. Maybe we’ll fit through the window.
MARIE
If you’d married me in Dijon, this never would have happened.
JACK
We’re practically married as it is!
MARIE
Jack: You’re a monk.
JACK
We’ll have to chance the corridor. (He runs toward the other door.)
MARIE
You’re not even listening.
JACK
Excuse me, I got distracted saving our LIVES! (He looks out the doorway.) Oh shit. (He
panics, looks around frantically, then dives for MARIE, lifting her up and over his
shoulder. She lets out a cry which is drowned out by JACK as OLF appears.) BROTHER
OLF!
OLF
Raisin loaf.
JACK
(Beat.) What?
OLF
I almost said crusty oatmeal, but my real favorite is raisin loaf.
JACK
Oh. Great.
OLF
See, you’ve got those little brown chewy things...
JACK
Raisins.
OLF
Right –
JACK
Well great, I’ll make some tonight.
OLF
What’s that you’ve got there?
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JACK
Where?
OLF
On your back.
JACK
Oh, that...
OLF
It looks like a body.
JACK
So it is. Last one.
OLF
Only newer.
JACK
Newer?
OLF
It looks like a woman.
JACK
A woman.
OLF
You’ve got a woman on your back!
JACK
No I don’t –
OLF
Yes, you do, it’s a –
JACK
No.
OLF
Brother Norbert: That’s a female woman –
JACK
Olf...
OLF
A female woman in a house of the Lord.
JACK
I can –
OLF
That is breaking your vows, and I think somebody should know about it. (He starts off.)
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JACK
Wait! Olf! (But OLF does not stop; JACK turns and bolts the other direction as MARTIN
enters, blocking his path.)
MARTIN
Brother Norbert...?
JACK
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
OLF
Oh, Brother Martin...
MARTIN
What have we here?
JACK
I, I, I...
OLF
It’s a female woman.
MARTIN
You don’t waste any time, do you?
JACK
I–
OLF
I told him he shouldn’t, but –
MARTIN
Don’t interrupt.
JACK
Look, I was going to head into the village –
MARTIN
But you didn’t have to...
JACK
No, I –
MARTIN
She must have been practically on our doorstep.
JACK
Uhhhhh little closer.
OLF
(Helpfully, to MARTIN.) She was in the sack.
MARTIN
(To OLF.) Would you please ask the abbot to come right away?
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JACK
No, don’t…
MARTIN
Tell him we’ve got an incorruptible.
JACK
(Beat.) What?
OLF
An incorruptible? But I thought –
MARTIN
Yes, I know you thought. That’s always the problem, isn’t it: You thought. Trust me, it’s an
incorruptible.
OLF
Isn’t that a miracle?
MARTIN
We’ll see when the Pope gets here, won’t we, Jack?
JACK
Hmm? Oh, right, see when the …right.
MARTIN
Now get the abbot. (OLF crosses himself in the direction of the “saint” and starts out.) And
bring us the shroud of Saint Foy so we can drape the altar. (OLF nods and exits. Pause.
MARTIN walks slowly around JACK to look at MARIE. He is both fascinated and
repulsed.) Well done, Jack, well done. There isn’t a mark on her. What did you do, break
her neck?
JACK
Oh…sure, you know, the ol’: (He mimes breaking a neck and makes a neck-breaking
sound. MARTIN touches her skin. He is a little shaken.)
MARTIN
Still warm. Let’s…get her on the altar, then. (JACK carries her to the altar and places her
on it, with
MARTIN’S help.) My God. (MARTIN steps back to look at her.) She’s beautiful. The
picture of innocence. I knew you’d pull through for us, Jack. You’re like me, pious on the
surface, but underneath as worldly as they come. Where’s my knife? (JACK retrieves the
knife and hands it to MARTIN, who replaces it in his belt. MARTIN walks around the altar,
looking closely at MARIE.) I could have wound up a butcher like my brothers, but I knew
the church would give me opportunity. Room for advancement. An education.
JACK
It’s certainly been an education. (OLF enters with a blanket.)
OLF
Is this all right? It’s all I could find.
MARTIN
It’s a blanket. (He sniffs it.)
OLF
Yes, but –
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MARTIN
A blanket that someone has slept in. Who’s is it?
OLF
Mine.
MARTIN
Why am I not surprised? Where’s the abbot?
OLF
I couldn’t find him.
MARTIN
Well where did you look? It seems you went directly for your bedclothes.
OLF
You said –
MARTIN
I asked for the shroud of Saint Foy, not a blanket that stinks of monk.
OLF
Okay. (He starts out.)
MARTIN
Never mind; I’ll ask Brother Felix to get it.
OLF
Oh, I can do it. (He starts out again.)
MARTIN
I’m certain you can; I’m just not certain you will.
OLF
I will.
MARTIN
I’ll ask Brother Felix to bring the shroud. See if you can find some candles for the altar.
OLF
And what if I find the shroud along the way?
MARTIN
Don’t. (OLF nods, exits. MARTIN watches him go.) Blessed are the feebleminded, for
they shall trip blissfully along to the grave. (CHARLES enters from another doorway,
anxious. He is relieved on seeing JACK there.)
CHARLES
Ah, Brother Norbert, good, you’re still here. Martin, I’ve changed my mind…
MARTIN
About what?
CHARLES
About our plan, I changed my mind.
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MARTIN
You can’t.
CHARLES
Of course I can.
MARTIN
I think not.
CHARLES
Well, I have. It’s wrong, Martin. It’s wrong, it’s…evil –
MARTIN
It’s done.
CHARLES
(Beat.) What? (MARTIN indicates the altar. On seeing the body, CHARLES lets out a little
gasp of wonder/horror. He slowly approaches the altar in silence. After a moment:)
MARTIN
Well? What do you think?
CHARLES
(Quietly.) She’s so young. So innocent, she’s…
MARTIN
Perfect. (Pause.)
CHARLES
What have we done, Martin? In God’s name, what have we done?
MARTIN
We didn’t do a thing, it was Brother Norbert.
CHARLES
But we told him to. We –
MARTIN
This isn’t the time to lose your backbone. Remember, “the Pope will come, the pilgrims
will come, the alms will come…”?
CHARLES
But to think – a life cut short like that.
MARTIN
And who was she an hour ago? An ignorant peasant with rosy cheeks. Who wouldn’t
gladly give their life to have the Pope himself at their feet?
CHARLES
(To JACK.) How…how did you…? (JACK makes the neck-breaking gesture and sound
again. CHARLES
grimaces.)
MARTIN
The point is, now we’re ready for His Holiness. (To JACK.) I’d appreciate your leaving
immediately. We can’t have you meeting the Pope.
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JACK
We’ve met.
CHARLES
You’ve met the Pope?
JACK
I did my routine in Bernay. He loved the one about the priest and the pig.
MARTIN
Then you needn’t regale him with it again. Make sure you’re gone before he arrives. (To
CHARLES.) I’ll go polish up the chair. (MARTIN exits; CHARLES moves wearily away
from the altar.)
CHARLES
I’m a weak man, Brother Norbert. In the end I’m no better than my father – weak in the
face of doubt and temptation. And to think I came here to restore my faith. (Beat.) When I
first joined the order – after the …”sawdust incident” – the abbot put me in charge of the
bake house, making bread and communion wafers.
JACK
Now there’s an act of faith. (CHARLES looks at him, smiles, and nods slightly.)
CHARLES
I’ve never been happier: sowing the kernels of wheat and other grains, grinding the flour,
seeing my bread transformed through the miracle of the Eucharist, nourishing the
congregation. (As if giving communion:) “Corpus Christi…this is the body of Christ…”
(The memory fades; CHARLES becomes troubled again.) But now I’m the abbot. And the
abbot is responsible for feeding the soul. Keeping the order healthy, in a moral as well as
a…fiscal sense. When times are good, his conscience is clear, his word and deed are
one. When times are bad…
JACK
(Beat.) He has to stretch the flour. (CHARLES nods. Pause.)
CHARLES
The miracles stopped when I became abbot.
JACK
What?
CHARLES
That’s when Saint Foy stopped making miracles. Somehow she knew my faith had died.
(CHARLES drops to his knees at the altar. He shuts his eyes, clasps his hands at his
brow, and prays aloud:) “Have mercy on me, O God, according to thy steadfast love;
according to thy abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.” (As he prays, MARIE gets
up on one elbow and looks at him in disbelief, then at JACK. JACK frantically gestures for
her to lie back down.) “Wash me thoroughly from my iniquiry, and cleanse me from my
sin!” (JACK and MARIE begin a silent argument concurrent with CHARLES’ prayer.) “For
I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against thee have I sinned, and
done that which is evil in thy sight, so that thou art justified in thy sentence and blameless
in they judgment.” (Exasperated, JACK pushes MARIE back down onto the altar with a
thud.) “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and steadfast spirit within me.”
(Suddenly, MARIE gets up and walks away from the altar. Panicked, JACK chases her
down, carries her back, and places her on the altar again just in time for “Amen.”)
“Deliver me from blood-guiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation, and my tongue will
sing aloud of thy deliverance.” Amen.

Incorruptible
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JACK
Ecclesiastes?
CHARLES
Psalms.
JACK
(Snapping his fingers.) Psalms. Right. I knew that. (CHARLES removes a pouch from
around his neck.)
CHARLES
Here’s your thirty gold pieces, as I promised. (He hands the purse to JACK.) May you do
some good with it in the end. (CHARLES walks slowly toward the door. JACK watches
him. Just before CHARLES exits,
he speaks:)
JACK
I forgive you.
CHARLES
(Beat.) What?
JACK
Uh… nothing. (CHARLES nods vaguely, and is gone. JACK looks at the purse in his hand
as MARIE sits up.)
MARIE
You. Are a lunatic.
JACK
I’m sorry.
MARIE
No…
JACK
I am –
MARIE
You think you’re apologizing, but I know you’re really saying “blah blah blah.”
JACK
Listen –
MARIE
“Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.” Why didn’t you just tell me the dumb one the truth:
“It’s my wife, she comes by twice a month.”
JACK
It was too late for that. (FELIX, unseen, appears at the doorway, holding a bag. He
listens, amazed.)
MARIE
Thank God you got the money. Let’s get the hell out of here.
JACK
Wait…
Incorruptible
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MARIE
I have been waiting, Jack. I’ve waited six months for you to take me to the altar, and you
make me lie on it.
JACK
Can you keep this up for a while?
MARIE
Hey, I can complain all day if you want.
JACK
I mean stay on the altar.
MARIE
What?!
JACK
For a while. All you have to do is lie down with your eyes closed.
MARIE
Forget it, I’ve heard that before. (She starts out.)
JACK
Just till the Pope is gone, till he’s given his blessing to the abbot.
MARIE
And what about me and the baby, Jack? Shouldn’t we count for more than a bunch of
grave-robbing monks?
JACK
They’re not all bad…
MARIE
They asked you to kill people!
JACK
(Beat.) Once. (MARIE lets out a grunt of exasperation.) Once in six months and I didn’t
even have to.
MARIE
Jack…
JACK
The abbot’s not such a terrible guy. If we could help get back on his feet –
MARIE
My mother was right – I should’ve married Pierre.
JACK
He’s dead.
MARIE
So now I’m a saint, we’re a perfect match. (She walks away from him.)
JACK
Marie…
Incorruptible
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MARIE
(Singing.) “Sad sings the lonesome mourning dove…” (FELIX looks up, stunned.)
JACK
If you just stay with it till the –
MARIE
“Sad sings the lonesome mourning dove…”
JACK
This is not about our routine.
MARIE
Pierre would have sung the response.
JACK
I’m only asking you to play along for an hour or two.
MARIE
I’m just a body, aren’t I?
JACK
Please.
MARIE
To you, my mother, these awful monks…
JACK
Just two more hours, that’s all. Two hours. What do you say?
MARIE
(Beat.) You. Are a big jerk, Jack. (She throws open the door.)
JACK
No! (MARIE exits, shutting the door behind her, then screams, reenters quickly, and shuts
the door again.)
What?
MARIE
It’s her.
JACK
Who’s her?
MARIE
She’s here.
JACK
Who’s here? (A bellow comes from outside the door.)
AGATHA
(Off.) All right: (FELIX conceals himself, and JACK dives behind the altar just as the door
flies open, revealing AGATHA, abbess of Bernay.) Where is it?
MARIE
Wha, wha, where, what?
Incorruptible
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AGATHA
(Looking around the room.) The incorruptible. Where is it?
MARIE
I, I, I, I, I…
AGATHA
Never mind. Who are you?
MARIE
Me? I’m uh, I’m the uh, the …haberdasher!
AGATHA
Haberdasher?
MARIE
Yeah, I uh, you know, I…dash. The habers. (AGATHA just looks at her, perplexed.)
AGATHA
Where’s the abbot?
MARIE
He’s…in the pantry. (Behind AGATHA, JACK shakes his head and waves his arms
wildly.)
AGATHA
What’s he doing in the pantry?
MARIE
I mean the vestry. (JACK again waves her off.)
AGATHA
Vestry?
MARIE
Maybe the infirmary. (JACK rolls his eyes and goes behind the altar. AGATHA
approaches MARIE threateningly.)
AGATHA
You tell the abbot I’m looking for him. And when I find him, he’ll need an infirmary.
Because I’m going to crush every bone in his body with my TEETH! (AGATHA storms
out.)
MARIE
(Terrified.) Okay. (An offstage door slams; AGATHA is gone.) This is not a good day.
(JACK reappears, as does FELIX, still concealed from them.)
JACK
What’s she doing here?
MARIE
How should I know? More importantly, what are we doing here?
JACK
I gotta warn the abbot. (JACK starts out the door.)
MARIE
No – stop!
Incorruptible
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JACK
She’s out to get him.
MARIE
If she wants to crush his bones with her teeth, that’s his problem. Your problem is right
here in front of you with a baby in her belly. (FELIX deliberately makes a noise.)
JACK
Quick. Play dead.
MARIE
No.
JACK
Hurry, someone’s coming. (MARIE groans in exasperation, but JACK runs her to the altar
and helps her up. Then he quickly drops to his knees and pretends to be finishing a
prayer. FELIX shuts the door, pretending to have just entered with his bag.) And grant all
the brethren holy thoughts and good digestion – oh, hello Brother Felix, just…finishing up
a few prayers.
FELIX
So I see. I…brought the shroud of Saint Foy. (He pulls the shroud from the bag.)
JACK
Oh. Good, I’ll…(He reaches for the shroud.)
FELIX
I can do it. (JACK watches him carefully. FELIX looks at MARIE a long time.)
JACK
Something wrong?
FELIX
(Beat.) No. (He continues to stare at her.)
JACK
Here, let’s cover her up – don’t want the saint to catch a chill. (He grabs the shroud and
covers MARIE from head to foot as FELIX watches intently.) There.
FELIX
“If I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing…”
JACK
(Beat.) Deuteronomy?
FELIX
First Corinthians.
JACK
(Snapping his fingers.) Damn!
FELIX
Do you tell the truth, Brother Norbert?
JACK
(Beat.) Why?
Incorruptible
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FELIX
I’d rather die than lie to another, or even myself. (He looks down at MARIE.) Yet that’s
exactly what I’ve been doing.
JACK
What do you mean?
FELIX
Don’t you think you ought to finish your prayer?
JACK
My – oh, my prayer, right, finish the, okay, sure. Doesn’t do anybody good to stop short of
“Amen,” does it? (He kneels again, eyes closed, fingers intertwined. FELIX lifts the
shroud, revealing MARIE’S face.) Let’s see, where was I? And grant all the brothers holy
thoughts and good digestion…(FELIX looks at MARIE a moment, then kisses her
passionately on the mouth for several seconds.)…especially Father, and
Martin, and Felix, and Olf. And make sure the Pope sees a saint when he comes. (FELIX
covers MARIE up again.) Amen. (JACK opens his eyes and gets up.)
FELIX
I need to prepare a donkey. (He starts out.)
JACK
(Baffled.) Okay… (FELIX turns back.)
FELIX
Remember, Brother Norbert: the truth.
JACK
The truth.
FELIX
“The truth shall make you free.” (This lands with JACK. FELIX then turns and exits,
singing:) “Glad sings the lark that finds his love…” (Unseen by JACK, MARIE sits bolt
upright, eyes wide, mouth open.)
JACK
The truth…
MARIE
Jack?
JACK
Marie, I…I have to tell you something…
MARIE
Me too.
JACK
Hoo boy…
MARIE
Listen…
JACK
No, Listen—
Incorruptible
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MARIE
I haven’t said—
JACK
Will you be quiet?
MARIE
Just let me say it:
JACK and MARIE
I can’t marry you. (Beat.) What?
MARIE
Did you—
JACK
Wait…
MARIE
What did you—
JACK
Hold on. You said—
MARIE
No, you said—
PEASANT WOMAN
(Off.) Where is she?
JACK and MARIE
Oh my God, (MARIE covers herself again as JACK pulls his cowl over his head, grabs the
broom, and begins sweeping aimlessly. PEASANT WOMAN enters, followed by
CHARLES.)
CHARLES
Now just a –stop.
PEASANT WOMAN
I need to pray to the saint. Is that her? (She starts to cross toward the altar.)
CHARLES
What saint are you referring to?
PEASANT WOMAN
I don’t know her name, but she’s here. He talked about her in town.
CHARLES
Who did?
PEASANT WOMAN
Some monk— dumb one— looking for candles.
CHARLES
We have acquired a saint, but she’s not available to the public.
Incorruptible
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PEASANT WOMAN
Why not?
CHARLES
We’re expecting a special visitor.
PEASANT WOMAN
I don’t care if it’s Jesus himself. I need to pray to the saint.
CHARLES
(Trying to usher her out.) Tomorrow.
PEASANT WOMAN
Today.
CHARLES
(Appealing to JACK for help.) Brother Norbert…
PEASANT WOMAN
I’ve tried dung, burning hair, sticking my feet in a bucket of milk—
CHARLES
I’m sure your goat will be fine…
PEASANT WOMAN
It’s not the goat.
CHARLES
Whatever the livestock, I’m –
PEASANT WOMAN
My daughter’s dead.
CHARLES
(Beat.) I’m very sorry to hear that.
PEASANT WOMAN
Well, I don’t know for sure she’s dead. But she always comes home before dawn, and
always with a couple coins from the night’s work.
CHARLES
Well, if she hasn’t turned up by tomorrow—
PEASANT WOMAN
She disappeared once years ago, with a boy, and we wound up fishing her out of a
stream. (JACK looks up.)
CHARLES
Trust me, the Lord will hear your prayer as loudly from home as he will from here. (Pause.
She stares at him.)
PEASANT WOMAN
I brought a penny. (She reaches into a pouch on her tunic, pulls out a penny, and holds it
up. CHARLES lowers his head. She crosses to the dish and drops it in.) There. (Pause.)
Incorruptible
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CHARLES
All right. (He goes to the altar.)
PEASANT WOMAN
Always a matter of money, isn’t it? (She follows CHARLES over; JACK is in agony.)
CHARLES
Now I don’t want you gossiping about this, at least not for a day.
PEASANT WOMAN
Me? I’m silent as a nun. (He reaches down to unveil MARIE. JACK searches for a
distraction.)
CHARLES
Oh. (He stops, holding on to the shroud.) And when you find your daughter, please give
us credit. We’ll need to count every miracle.
PEASANT WOMAN
All right, (CHARLES begins lifting the shroud.) Though it might have been the dung that
did it.
JACK
(Revealing himself.) Father, don’t!
CHARLES
What?
PEASANT WOMAN
Sweet Jesus, it’s him!
JACK
I—
PEASANT WOMAN
(Approaching him.) You sneaky bastard, where have you been?
JACK
I—
PEASANT WOMAN
You roll into town, help yourself to my cupboard—
JACK
But—
PEASANT WOMAN
Pocket money for the song and dance and— (Beat; she finally notices him.) Oh my God,
he’ s a monk.
CHARLES
Good woman—
PEASANT WOMAN
Christ, she really can pick ’em . Where’s my daughter?
JACK
I don’t know.
Incorruptible
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PEASANT WOMAN
Liar.
CHARLES
If you come back tomorrow—
PEASANT WOMAN
You’ve got some nerve giving her the slip and hiding out here. For all I know, she may be
lying in a ditch somewhere. (To CHARLES.) Come on, let’s go. It’s my penny we’re
wasting. (CHARLES reaches for the shroud; JACK prevents him.)
JACK
No.
PEASANT WOMAN
Hey!
JACK
You can’t.
CHARLES
Brother Norbert?
JACK
She mustn’t.
PEASANT WOMAN
It’s one thing to dupe my daughter, it’s another to pigeon her mother. Now let me see her.
(They are distracted by off stage shouting.)
MARTIN
(Off.) Stop!
FELIX
(Off.) You’re not permitted to go in—
AGATHA
(Off.) I’ll go anywhere there’s a door. (AGATHA bursts in, followed by FELIX and
MARTIN.)
JACK
Oh, God…
AGATHA
There you are!
CHARLES
(With deep dread,) Agatha!
MARTIN
I tried to stop her—
AGATHA
And you didn’t even slow me down.
CHARLES
(To MARTIN.) Where’s the Pope?
Incorruptible
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AGATHA
His wagon’s stuck in the mud outside the village—
PEASANT WOMAN
Pope?
AGATHA
…they’re pulling him out as we speak.
PEASANT WOMAN
(To CHARLES.) You never said a Pope was coming…
AGATHA
(Approaching the altar.) Is that what you’re calling a saint these days?
CHARLES
Why?
AGATHA
Curious to have a look, that’s all.
MARTIN
She’s not available to the public.
AGATHA
I’m not the public, I’m the Church! Now let me see her.
PEASANT WOMAN
You have to give them a penny first.
AGATHA
I DON’T DEAL IN PENNIES! (Pause; they are a little cowed.) Two mornings ago His
Holiness tells me he’s leaving Bernay to come here. “What’s in Priseaux,” I said, “but a
second-rate monastery run by a bunch of backwoods monks?” Well, it seems they got an
incorruptible, or so rumor had it. So naturally I tagged along to see what the fuss was
about. (Bitterly.) So did three hundred pilgrims waiting to see Saint Foy.
CHARLES
Three hundred…?
AGATHA
You know how fickle peasants can be. They’d follow the Pope into Hell if he told them the
heat was good for their sinuses.
PEASANT WOMAN
It is! (AGATHA turns to her.) Mine always clear up in the summer. (AGATHA shakes her
head in disbelief and turns to CHARLES.)
AGATHA
So— where did you get the saint?
MARTIN
That’s none of your business.
AGATHA
My business is on it’s way from Bernay. (To CHARLES.) Now what about the saint?
Incorruptible
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FELIX
You can’t just—
AGATHA
It couldn’t be something you dug up, could it?
CHARLES
What do you mean?
AGATHA
Like St, James the Greater? Or all those heads of John the Baptist?
MARTIN
How did you know about that?
PEASANT WOMAN
John the Baptist?
AGATHA
I stumbled onto your well-stocked Pantry. (The monks react audibly.)
PEASANT WOMAN
(To CHARLES.) You never said you had John the Baptist.
AGATHA
(To PEASANT WOMAN.) Seventeen of them.
CHARLES
(To MARTIN.) Seventeen? (MARTIN nods apologetically.)
AGATHA
According to the ledger: Lisbon, Canterbury, Venice, Hamburg…
PEASANT WOMAN
How many heads did he have?
AGATHA
The Bible says one—
PEASANT WOAMAN
That’s what I thought.
AGATHA
(To CHARLES.) …but it also says “increase and multiply.”
CHARLES
Agatha…
AGATHA
Isn’t that what you did? Broke five loaves to feed five thousand?
CHARLES
Listen to me…
Incorruptible
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AGATHA
(Going for the jugular.) Always making your bread go just a little farther. (This hits
CHARLES where it counts.) So, now you’ve baked up an incorruptible…
CHARLES
Get out.
AGATHA
All because I bought your saint out from under you.
FELIX
That’s not Saint Foy—
AGATHA
Oh, please…
FELIX
This is Saint Foy! (He lifts his bag.)
AGATHA
(Indicating PEASANT WOMAN.) Sure, and she’s the Virgin Mother.
CHARLES
He’s right. You don’t have Saint Foy.
AGATHA
The hell I don’t. I paid your one-eyed novice for her.
PEASANT WOMAN
That was a mistake…
JACK
It wasn’t Saint Foy.
PEASANT WOMAN
See, what did I tell you?
AGATHA
Oh, you’re changing your story now?
PEASANT WOMAN
This one would steal your last good tooth.
AGATHA
SHUT UP! (She turns to JACK.) What are you saying? Who’s on my altar? (JACK looks
to CHARLES, who nods for him to continue.)
JACK
A pig farmer.
AGATHA
(Beat.) Pig farmer? (She looks at CHARLES, who nods.)
JACK
From your own churchyard.
Incorruptible
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AGATHA
How could it be a pig farmer? I’ve had miracles by the score.
CHARLES
Maybe they weren’t true miracles.
AGATHA
Tell it to the woman with the oozing lump. Or the cripple whose foot grew back, or the
lepers. Anyway, if you’ve still got Saint Foy, what’s she doing in a sack?
MARTIN
We’re keeping the dust off her.
AGATHA
More importantly…(She turns to the altar.) Who’s her replacement?
PEASANT WOMAN
That’s what I want to know.
CHARLES
(Blocking AGATHA.) Wait till His Holiness comes— you’ll see.
AGATHA
I just want a peek—
CHARLES
No.
AGATHA
...never having seen an incorruptible…
CHARLES
Not till the Pope and the pilgrims arrive.
AGATHA
Very well; you can’t blame a girl for trying…(She pretends to turn away, then swings
around, dodging
CHARLES or possibly knocking him out of the way.) Hah! (She yanks the shroud off
MARIE.)
JACK
No! (FELIX and MARTIN gasp.)
PEASANT WOMAN
Mother of God! (She faints into FELIX’s arms.)
AGATHA
Christ on a cross—it’s the haberdasher!
CHARLES
What?
AGATHA
You murdered the haberdasher!
MARTIN
No, we didn’t…
Incorruptible
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CHARLES
(To JACK.) Haberdasher?
AGATHA
Don’t tell me no, she’s right there.
MARTIN
No, we— tell her, Charles, how we—
AGATHA
(Admiring MARIE.) Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
MARTIN
(Beat.) Excuse me?
AGATHA
I have to hand it to you. The Baptist heads were clever, but this: Pack her in ice and keep
her in a cold room, she could last months.
MARTIN
She’s right …
AGATHA
I never thought you had it in you. Always plating holier-than-thou. Even as a boy, dumping
sawdust in the bread.
CHARLES
Now wait a second…
AGATHA
You’re just like father.
CHARLES
That wasn’t my fault!
AGATHA
He never had any business sense either.
CHARLES
The sawdust wasn’t my idea!
AGATHA
Of course it wasn’t, you pathetic little priest. It was mine.
JACK
What?
MARTIN
Yours?
FELIX
Sawdust?
CHARLES
What are you saying?
Incorruptible
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AGATHA
We would have starved if I’d left it to Father. So I told you he wanted us to “stretch the
flour.” If it hadn’t been for the splinter, we’d still be baking baguettes for the likes of her.
(She indicates PEASANT WOMAN.)
BUT—enough nostalgia! I’m taking your saint.
JACK
You can’t…
AGATHA
When His Holiness gets here, he’ll say a few words, let the peasants kiss his ring— the
usual pomp and circumstance. Then, when they’re done, you’ll turn her over … and all
the pilgrims will follow us back to Bernay.
MARTIN
Never. Why should we—
AGATHA
Do I have to start naming names? The thirteen fingers of St. Paul; the two left feet of Mary
Magdalene…?
MARTIN
(To CHARLES.) She knows about the feet of Mary Magdalene…
AGATHA
Not to mention “Saint Agnes of Antwerp.” So if you try to pass this one off—
CHARLES
We’re not going to “pass her off.” We’re going to bury her.
JACK
What?!
CHARLES
Felix, dig a hole.
AGATHA
You’re bluffing.
CHARLES
We’ll see. Felix…
FELIX
(Still holding the PEASANT WOMAN.) Uhh…
AGATHA
You’d never bury a treasure like this.
CHARLES
Dig a hole.
AGATHA
I’ll take her by force before you put her in the ground. (She grabs one end of MARIE and
begins pulling her off the altar.)
CHARLES
(Grabbing the other end.) Over my dead body!
Incorruptible
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AGATHA
Give her to me!
CHARLES
No! (They begin pulling MARIE’s body back and forth.)
AGATHA
Let go!
CHARLES
She’s mine!
AGATHA
Not anymore!
CHARLES
Stop, you…
AGATHA
She’s mine now!
CHARLES
You Gorgon!
AGATHA
Imbecile!
CHARLES
Succubus!
AGATHA
Ignoramus!
CHARLES
Sata Santana,
AGATHA
Pathice / ista cum lingua possis culos lingere, tui me taedet, puellula—
CHARLES
Furia ac pestis, i, praeceps in puteum te proice, nam te praesente omnia marcescunt—
MARTIN
(Grabbing MARIE around the middle.) We’ll cut her in half!
AGATHA, CHARLES, FELIX, & JACK
(Beat.) What?
MARTIN
Half a saint is better than none.
FELIX
Uh, we can’t cut her up…
Incorruptible
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MARTIN
Yes we can. (MARTIN pulls out his knife. To AGATHA:) We’ll take the head, the brisket,
and the foreshanks—
CHARLES
No.
MARTIN
Then we’ll take the rump—
CHARLES
I’ve said we’ll bury her.
AGATHA
And I say—
JACK
Leave her on the altar.
FELIX
(Beat.) Brother Norbert?
CHARLES
I will not keep a murder victim—
JACK
She wasn’t murdered, Father. (Pause. They all look at him. JACK swallows nervously.)
This… innocent maiden drowned herself, many years ago. For love. (He looks at FELIX.)
And only reappeared today, untouched by death.
AGATHA
(Beat.) Sure she did. (She starts pulling on MARIE again; MARTIN hangs on.)
JACK
Her mother prayed for her return.
FELIX
Brother Norbert, maybe the truth would –
JACK
I’ve told no lies.
MARTIN
For God’s sake, Jack, what about the – (He makes JACK’s neck-breaking sound.)
JACK
Father, this woman never died by my hand; I swear everything I’ve said is true. (He looks
at FELIX again.)
Just ask Brother Felix if it isn’t.
CHARLES
Felix? (FELIX hesitates.)
JACK
Tell him. (Pause.)
Incorruptible
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FELIX
It’s true.
JACK
You see?
MARTIN
Charles...
AGATHA
You must think I’m a moron…
CHARLES
It’s true? (FELIX nods.)
AGATHA
I wasn’t born yesterday...
JACK
So leave her on the altar.
AGATHA
I suppose you take orders from your novices now?
JACK
Trust me, Father.
AGATHA
Some cockamamie story of a –
JACK
Trust me. (Pause.)
CHARLES
All right. (JACK takes MARIE from AGATHA, who is flabbergasted.)
AGATHA
You won’t get away with this! Not without a miracle, Charles. (CHARLES and JACK
arrange MARIE on the altar.) You should know by now that miracles make saints, not the
other way around.
MARTIN
(To CHARLES.) We don’t have a miracle...
FELIX
We will.
AGATHA
Oh, really? Could this beautiful corpse raise a fisherman from the dead?
JACK
Maybe.
AGATHA
Cure a hunchbacked woman with an oozing lump?
Incorruptible
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JACK
Now’s the time to be strong, Father.
AGATHA
I’m warning you:
CHARLES
We’ll keep her on the altar.
AGATHA
When His Holiness comes and you haven’t got a miracle –
CHARLES
If God wants us to prosper, He’ll prosper us. No lies, no deals, no deceits. If He wants us
to fail... we’ll face it humbly.
MARTIN
Oh, God...
AGATHA
You really want to fail that much?
CHARLES
Martin, make sure the bells ring when His Holiness reaches the gate.
AGATHA
You want to be ground into dust?
CHARLES
Then get the chair.
AGATHA
SO BE IT! We’ll see which one of us revels in the other’s defeat. We’ll see who bathes in
the other’s blood. I’ll dance in the rubble of your precious church! (Eyes shut, arms
outstretched in the heavens:) “O God, break the teeth in your mouths... Like grass let
them be trodden down and wither. Let them be like the snail which dissolves into slime,
like the untimely birth that never sees the sun!”
JACK
(Beat.) Leviticus?
AGATHA
Psalm 58. (To all:) I’ll be back with the Pope! (She storms out. They stare after her. Long
pause.)
MARTIN
Is she your only sister?
CHARLES
(Still staring.) Yes.
MARTIN
God is merciful.
CHARLES
Felix.
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FELIX
Yes, Father?
CHARLES
Get the peasant woman out of here before she comes to. (FELIX drags her off.) Martin,
let’s repair to the vestry; we’ll want to look our best. (MARTIN exits. CHARLES goes to
JACK.) Thank you, Brother Norbert.
JACK
For what?
CHARLES
For strength. And for all of our sakes, I pray you’re right about the miracle. I pray to
heaven you’re right. Because if you’re wrong... we’re dead. (He exits. JACK is still for one
moment.)
JACK
I am going to fry in Hell for this. (Then he snaps into action, crossing to the altar.) All right,
come on, you’ve got to get out of here.
MARIE
These people shouldn’t be running churches.
JACK
Hurry, they’ll be back any second. (He takes her hand and helps her off the altar. Calling
offstage:) Felix!
MARIE
That witch almost fractured my spine...
JACK
(Shoving the purse in her hand.) Here, take this.
MARIE
What is it?
JACK
Thirty gold pieces. (The bell begins tolling.)
MARIE
No, Jack...
JACK
There go the bells – come on.
MARIE
I couldn’t, you –
JACK
(Calling off.) Felix! (To MARIE.) Take it, please. For the baby.
MARIE
(Beat.) All right, then. For the baby. (FELIX enters.)
FELIX
Marie?
MARIE
Pierre! (They rush together, but as soon as their lips touch:)
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JACK
Hey hey, save it for the honeymoon, will ya? (He pulls them apart.) Is the donkey ready?
FELIX
It’s by the side door.
JACK
Then hurry. (He starts pushing them out.)
FELIX
Wait: Saint Foy. (He runs and gets the bag he brought in earlier.)
MARIE
What?
JACK
Saint Fo - ? No, you don’t need her, you’ll sleep with Marie.
FELIX
I won’t leave till she’s back on the altar. (JACK reaches for the bag.)
JACK
(Impatient.) All right, I’ll put her on the altar. (JACK reaches for the bag.)
FELIX
In faith.
MARIE
Pierre...
FELIX
She was cast off in a moment of doubt; she must be restored in faith.
JACK
Go. (He reaches for the bag; FELIX pulls it away.)
FELIX
”Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”
MARIE
Pierre, please...
FELIX
”By faith we understand that the world was created by the word of God, so that what is
seen was made out of things which do not appear.”
JACK
You don’t want to be here when they find an empty altar.
FELIX
It won’t be empty. (Pause. They stare at each other.)
JACK
All right. (JACK holds his hand out for the bag.)
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FELIX
In faith.
JACK
In faith. (FELIX hands him the bag.)
OLF
(Off.) I found the candles! (FELIX, JACK, and MARIE hurl themselves behind the altar as
OLF comes barreling in.) I found the – (He stops in the center of the room and looks
around. Beat.) Hello? (Pause.) Where’d everybody go? (He exits.) Off:) I found the
candles! (FELIX, JACK, and MARIE come out of hiding.)
JACK
Now get out of here, quick.
MARIE
Goodbye, Jack. (MARIE leans over and kisses JACK’s eye patch.)
JACK
Goodbye. (He takes her hand and kisses it, then joins it with FELIX’s hand.)
JACK
And this time: Don’t. Let. Go. (MARIE and FELIX run off. JACK opens the bag and
shoves in his hand; but as he removes the first bones, they exert a powerful effect on him.
He begins arranging Saint Foy in the red shroud, working methodically, purposefully.)
OLF
(Off.) I found the can – oh, no...! (OLF enters, looking dejectedly at the three warped
candles in his hand. He turns and sees JACK at the altar.) Oh , Brother Norbert; I’m so
upset... (He crosses to the altar. JACK continues arranging the bones.) The chandler’s
shop was burnt to the ground, so that peasant woman sold me her last three candles,
penny apiece, which I thought was a bargain. But look: They don’t have any
wicks. (But JACK is intent on arranging the bones, and does not look up. OLF notices the
altar for the first time.) Where’s the saint?
JACK
(As if realizing it for the first time.) This is the saint.
OLF
I mean the pretty one.
JACK
(Pausing to look directly at OLF.) This is the saint. (OLF shakes his head in confusion.)
OLF
I can’t keep track of them anymore. (JACK moves away from the altar as MARTIN enters
in a regal cassock and elaborate stole, carrying the Pope’s chair.)
MARTIN
Well, at least he’ll have a comfy chair to sit in while we’re being excommunicated. (He
sets it down; CHARLES enters, also elaborately attired.)
CHARLES
This is it: They’re coming up the stairs. (MARTIN sees the altar.)
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MARTIN
(To OLF.) Where’s the haberdasher?
OLF
What?
MARTIN
The saint. Where is she?
JACK
Right here.
MARTIN
This is a pile of bones on a dirty red cloth!
OLF
Jack says the pretty one’s disappeared.
CHARLES
Disappeared?
MARTIN
(Moving toward JACK.) If this is some kind of joke…
CHARLES
Did you say…? (A solemn papal pounding begins and will continue intermittently through
the end of the play, gradually more insistent each time.)
JACK
(To CHARLES.) She is not here. She is risen. (JACK moves away from the altar.)
OLF
This looks like Saint Foy…
MARTIN
(Grabbing JACK by the front of his habit.) All right, where is she?
JACK
The saint is on the altar, where she belongs.
CHARLES
Brother Norbert?
OLF
This is Saint Foy…
MARTIN
Where’s the incorruptible?
JACK
“What you sow does not come to life unless it dies…”
MARTIN
Charles…
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JACK
“And what you sow is not the body which is to be…”
CHARLES
First Corinthians…
MARTIN
(Releasing JACK.) What’s going on?
JACK
(Gradually kneeling in a pool of light.) “But a bare kernel…”
CHARLES
Yes.
CHARLES & JACK
“perhaps of wheat…”
JACK
“or of some other grain…”
CHARLES
Dear God…(With a gasp, JACK places his hand on his eye patch. The light on him
intensifies as CHARLES
approaches.)
MARTIN
(Arms raised, eyes heavenward.) You see what I have to work with! (He collapses into the
chair.)
CHARLES
(Reaching towards JACK’s eye patch.) “So it is with the resurrection of the dead.”
JACK
“What is sown is perishable…”
CHARLES
“…what is raised is imperishable.” (JACK lets his hand drop. CHARLES lifts the eye
patch; JACK’s eye is whole.)
OLF
Jack, your eye…
JACK
“It is sown in dishonor…”
CHARLES
“…it is raised in glory.”
OLF
Your eye, it’s…
JACK
“It is sown in weakness…”
JACK & CHARLES
“…it is raised in power.” (CHARLES slowly raises his arm, eye patch clenched in his
hand.)
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OLF
It’s a miracle…
JACK & CHARLES
“For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible…” (CHARLES
stands behind JACK,
holding JACK’s head with his free hand.)
OLF
(Ecstatic.) A miracle!
JACK & CHARLES
“And we…shall be changed!” (Tableau: all four monks frozen in position. The pounding
persists, the bells
continue to ring joyfully.)
End of Play