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A Hurting Memory

Everyone has some unhappy memories of their childhood. For some reason the last

generation always think small things happened during children’s childhood will not be

significantly influential or unforgettable for the rest of their lives. However, people actually

amplify the impression of certain events that happened in their childhood for some reason. And

those stories might actually contribute to form their values of life. The way that my parents

raised me were mostly supportive and appreciable. Nevertheless, some of their mistakes make

me have a lot of reflections of ...

When I was young, maybe around 4th grade, I had a memory that I was unfairly treated

by my family members. In their eyes, it might be just a small event that people all forget about.

However, I have a deep feeling about this part of my memory. It was a family dinner during the

winter. My parents, aunts, uncles, my grandparents and my cousin William were all there. My

cousin William was only one and a half years older than me. As a typical Chinese family, my

parents liked to compare me and my cousin for many things. They always talked about how he

got a better grade than me and played better music while we were both learning instruments.

Parents thought it was a normal thing to do and can motivate their kids to do better. However, I

was hurt during my childhood for such things. For example, when I was taking piano lessons, if I

did not do well during class, my mother would talk about William with me. She was always like:

“You should study from William. Look how he practices, at least several hours a day” (Xiaoyan

Duan). The thing is, for me, I never liked playing piano in the first place. Nevertheless, I did not

get the right to choose. Even though I do not regret learning piano because I found the joy of

playing music now, I still wished my mother could’ve used a better way to motivate me.
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Back to the story of my family dinner. It was kind of cold outside, we were pre-preparing

some vegetables and fruits for our other family members. I was helping my mother do some

kitchen things. I was quite excited because I really liked to hang out with William out of all the

comparisons that our parents did. When everyone got here we started making dumplings. The

parents were in the kitchen, making dinner and chatting. William and I were playing some games

in the living room on the ground. I remember we got some toy trains and just put those on the

ground and made them run. We really liked toy trains for a long time. We used to play a lot of

different toys and games, which is most of my childhood was about. I can say William was my

best friend when we were younger, before middle school. Even though my parents hurt me a bit

by doing that comparison between us all the time, I cherished the friendship and memories with

William. When dinner’s ready, my parents asked us to go to the table. I don’t quite remember

how the dinner was but we had some great time between families. After dinner, my grandmother

said she had something for us. She went to the living room to grab her bag and then she pulled

out a delicately wrapped box. She opened it and showed what inside the box to us. There were a

lot of commemorative coins in the box, in different colors. I was really attracted to them. My

grandmother says it’s a gift for me and William, which made me really happy. I cannot even

move my eyes from those beautiful commemorative coins. Even though I forget the details of

those coins, I still clearly remember the thrill of joy at that moment. Which girl does not like

pretty stuff? However, my mother said I will certainly lose those because I always lose stuff. It

was true that I lost a lot of pencils in school. But what really reached my nerves was because

they all trusted William more. My grandmother looked at me and said: “yea it’s true, I will give

you something else when you get older.”(Wenmin Yang) She then passed the whole box to

William and said he deserved it because he got good grades in school. I started crying really bad,
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but no one listened to me at that moment. William was the only one who wanted me to have it.

But my mother and my grandmother stopped him. My mother told everyone I would be fine and

I was just being naughty. I did not know if I did anything wrong and now if I recall it I still don't

know if a 4th-grade student’s grade means anything. I was upset for 3 days or so. No one said

anything or stand for me in my whole family except William.

Tracing the path of my life, I thought my parents were supportive and wise for my

education. But this memory was deeply carved in my mind. I was doubting and mad at myself at

the same time. I kept asking myself why I cannot be as good as William, having good grades and

being well-behaved. Later on, I asked my families of this event, they all have a different version.

Some of them said I was not being unhappy at all and some of them don’t even remember it. I

told my father about many things that are unfair happened when I was a kid. He thought it was

not good for any parents to do that. Nevertheless, he’s happy that those things did not make me

unconfident or depressed now. (Changgang Sha) I was wondering why no one considered my

feeling at that moment. Obviously, no one realizes a kid also has feelings and memories which

they will deeply remember when they grow up. My mother said she thought I was too little for

holding any valuable gifts and she thought I was fine because after several days I was happy

again. Thus, She did not even take it as a deal. (Xiaoyan Duan) She told me later when I was

older she should’ve not done that to me and compared me and William all the time. She just

thought she can motivate me to do better but ignored the fact that it could hurt me. According to

William, he just maintains that all of our parents were making somehow mistakes in our

education. But at least, in general, we end up being good. (William Li) My grandparents, later

on, did give me a lot of gifts. I do understand how much my family members love me, but I also

learned that children have to be treated fairly and they do have feelings. Maybe someday I will
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have children too and I cannot be one hundred percent sure I will not make any mistakes as a

parent. But I will make sure I will be careful and apologize for my mistakes. Children are

vulnerable due to their innocence. As we grew up, innocence became a fantasy instead. Children

cannot be protected completely and their values are formed by the environment they are in. Thus,

when someday I become a parent, I will be aware of their sensitivity and innocence. (Faulkner

127)

There were many details about this event I actually get different versions from my family

members, which even makes me doubt my memory. Recalling the past, I am wondering why this

specific event could be so clear. Even as an adult now, some unforgettable memories are not as

clear as this part. Maybe because as a kid, I was actually more sensitive about the environment

and other people’s attitudes. However, I understand from my own experience that every kid’s

feeling matters and some memories could be deeply carved in our mind, which influence our

whole life.
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Work Cite

Faulkner, Joanne. “Vulnerability of ‘Virtual’ Subjects: Childhood, Memory, and Crisis in the

Cultural Value of Innocence.” SubStance. Vol. 42, No. 3, ISSUE 132: Vulnerability

(2013), pp. 127.

Sha, Changgang. Personal Interview, August 2019.

Duan, Xiaoyan. Personal Interview, August 2019.

Wenmin Yang. Personal Interview, August 2019.

Li, William. Personal Interview, August 2019.

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