Popular Democratic Party Rejects H.R.

2499, Puts Forward Its Own Vision for Puerto

Rico Self-Determination

In  Enemies of Equality, H.R. 2499, Puerto Rico Democracy Act, Self-Determination, The Big

Lie: The PPD's "Commonwealth" on November 14, 2010 at 6:52 PM

We at La Chuleta Congelá’ have decided to take all of the “proposals” and/or “suggestions”
made by the Popular Democratic Party of Puerto Rico (PPD, the creator and promoter of the
territorial status with the name of “Commonwealth”) and put them into a “bill” for Congress to
consider.

Of course, this “bill” is crude bologna because most of the assertions made by the PPD are
impossible to achieve under the American constitution. As such, though, we have decided to
have fun, and make up a bill that illustrates what it is the PPD really wants for Puerto Rico’s
future: nothing but the status quo! (But they cannot campaign or say that in Puerto Rico.)

As a matter of fact, here’s a little quote from the founder of the PPD, Luis Munoz Marin, who
used to be an independence supporter and then changed his views in favor of territorial
“Commonwealth.” Muñoz Marin had a plan. He would name the “new” status “Commonwealth”
in English and “Estado Libre Asociado” (Free-Associated State) in Spanish. See the ruse? In
Puerto Rico, to Puerto Ricans, Muñoz Marin spoke of “sovereignty and nationhood and equality
and compacts,” but in Washington, D.C., to Congress, Muñoz Marin spoke this way:

“There is a wide disbelief here [in Puerto Rico] as to any political status that does not
involve a transfer of sovereignty to the people of Puerto Rico. I share this belief because
of the [U.S.] constitutional limitations involved. Congress cannot–save in the form of
classic statehood–create sovereignty in a territory that continues to be part of the United
States. Under this limitation, commonwealth status would have the nature of a loan of
authority by Congress that is recallable at will.”

The point ought to be clear, this party and its leaders do not have any real solutions to move
Puerto Rico out of colonialism and into statehood or independence. According to the party, even
a plebiscite written their way would be “unfair” because statehood promises too much and the
other options (independence and “Commonwealth”) cannot compete. Huh. So statehood must be
watered down so that other options have a fair chance? More bologna! If statehood is “the better
option,” then independence and “Commonwealth” supporters better come up with better
arguments. After all, it is the Americans of Puerto Rico who DO NOT want independence. And
it will be they who tear down the territorial “Commonwealth.”

With that in mind, dear readers, here’s the mock PPD bill; the way they want it: confusing.
 
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112th Congress, 2nd Session, Last day thereof …

H.R. 1952.2
(y Arroz con Gandules a Bomba y Plena)

To provide an unnecessary federally sanctioned self-determination process for the People of the
Sovereign and Autonomous Free-Associated State of Puerto Rico because Puerto Rico is a
nation with its own culture and we have a COMPACT with the United States of America and we
are equal partners, and Congress does not hold us as a colony. Anyways, some people “don’t
like it,” so we are forced to do “something.” Move on.
___________________________________
IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES
 
January 2, 2013

The Popular Democratic Party, Holder and Protector of the Truths of 1952 (for himself,
EVERYBODY, yep, EVERYBODY because there are too many people behind this bill we
couldn’t possibly name them all. Big Pharma, here’s to you! In addition, we must thank for their
support all of those in the Popular Democratic Party who have held up the promise of
“Mejorando La Raza.” Further, who could forget, to Dependency—because it feels
free!)Anyway, uh, introduced this bill for immediate consideration by the House of
Representatives Committee of the Whole … no screwing around with that stupid Committee on
Natural Resources; they don’t like us.

 
A BILL to provide for a federally sanctioned self-determination process for the Great Nation of
the Independent State Territory of the People of Puerto Rico—not a damned colony!
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in
Congress assembled and with Puerto Rico’s Permission,

SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE.

This Act may be cited as the “GREATEST ACT EVER.”

 
SECTION 2. FEDERALLY SANCTIONED PROCESS FOR PUERTO RICO’S SELF-
DETERMINATION.

(a) FIRST PLEBISCITE.—The Government of Puerto Rico is authorized—even though they

already possess all the power thereto—to conduct a status plebiscite in Puerto Rico or
somewhere in the Caribbean, definitely within the Western Hemisphere. The 2 options set forth
on the SPANISH-ONLY ballot shall be preceded by the following statement: ‘‘Instructions:
Mark one of the following 2 options if you feel like it:

‘‘(1) Puerto Rico should continue to have its present form of political status, which has done
wonders for the people of Puerto Rico under the power of the Great One they called Luis
 Muñoz Marin and promoted perpetually by the Honorable DON Rafael Hernandez Colón,
former great Governor of this Island Nation. Blessed be he. If you agree, mark here
_____________.

‘‘(2) Puerto Rico should have a different political status and possibly begin 100 years of
regret about choosing a status alternative that they knew nothing about. God help us if we
should pick some status that Puerto Ricans can’t handle. Especially one that will destroy our
culture and language … and our kids. If you agree, mark here _.’’.

(b) PROCEDURE IF MAJORITY IN FIRST PLEBISCITE FAVORS OPTION 1.—If a

majority of the ballots in the plebiscite are cast in favor of  (the best) Option 1, the Government
of Puerto Rico (unless the Popular Democratic Party happens to be in the minority, in
which case it) is authorized to conduct additional plebiscites under subsection (a) at intervals of
100 years from the date that the results of the prior plebiscite are certified under section 3(d).
Take your time!

(c) PROCEDURE IF MAJORITY IN FIRST PLEBISCITE FAVORS OPTION 2, WHICH

WILL DESTROY PUERTO RICO.—If a majority of the ballots in a plebiscite conducted
pursuant to subsection (a) or (b) are cast in favor of (the worst) Option 2, the Government of
Puerto Rico (unless the Popular Democratic Party happens to be in the minority, in which
case it) is authorized to conduct a plebiscite on the following options:

(1) Third World Independence (look at Haiti): Puerto Rico should become fully independent
from the United States. You WILL lose your American citizenship and everything good in
your life. If you want it, mark here _____.

(2) Sovereignty in Association with the United States (look at Palau): Puerto Rico and the
United States should form a political association between sovereign nations that will not be
subject to the Territorial Clause of the United States Constitution, like the Current
“Commonwealth” Status because we ARE NOT under the Territorial Clause. Agree to
disagree. If you agree with losing your benefits, mark here _____.

(3) statehood (I want more taxes): mark here _.

(4) If you agree that el Coquí is ours, please mark here, ___________________________.

(5) Enhanced Commonwealth; The Independent Republic of the Free Associated State of
Puerto Rico will have the authority to tax the 50 states of the United States, veto any federal
law, continue to enjoy all the rights of natural citizenship, conduct international relations
through the United Nations, enter into bilateral treaties, etc. At the will of, again, the Popular
Democratic Party. If you want the Best of Both Worlds, PATRIOTICALLY MARK HERE
________________.

(6) Commonwealth as is, but with a Constitutional Convention to go with it. At the
Convention, popularly elected Popular Democratic Party Spanish-speaking delegados will be
responsible for exploring, studying, analyzing, constructing and deconstructing theories
 about, challenge, support, endorse and repudiate all possible options for Puerto Rico
(including but not limited to Independence, Free Association, Enhanced Commonwealth,
Independence with American citizenship, Commonwealth as it is, Constitutional Monarchy,
Communism in Association with the United States, Parliamentary Government in
Partnership with Quebec, Unicameral Sovereignty, Cuban and/or Venezuelan Provincial
Sovereignty, Autonomy under the King of Spain … oh, and statehood).

(7) NONE OF THE ABOVE! If you agree, please mark here _________________________,
or anywhere in the space below. Comments welcomed!”
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SECTION 3. APPLICABLE LAWS AND OTHER REQUIREMENTS.

(a) APPLICABLE LAWS.—All Federal laws applicable to the election of the Resident
Commissioner shall, as appropriate and consistent with this Act, also apply to any plebiscites
held pursuant to this Act. Any reference in such Federal laws to elections shall be considered, as
appropriate, to be a reference to the plebiscites, unless it would frustrate the purposes of this Act
or the Plans of the Popular Democratic Party of Puerto Rico. Viva La Pava!

(b) RULES AND REGULATIONS.—The Puerto Rico State Elections Commission shall issue
all rules and regulations necessary to carry out the plebiscites under this Act. Further, only the
Popular Democratic Party’s delegate in the Commission shall have the right to vote on said rules
and regulations.

(c) ELIGIBILITY TO VOTE.—Each of the following shall be eligible to vote in any plebiscite
held under this Act:

(1) All eligible voters under the electoral laws in effect in Puerto Rico at the time the
plebiscite is held. Except the leadership of the English-speaking New Progressive Party AND
independence supporters not aligned with the Popular Democratic Party.

(2) All United States citizens born in Puerto Rico or elsewhere who comply, to the
satisfaction of the Puerto Rico State Elections Commission, with all requirements (other than
the residency requirement) applicable to eligibility to vote in a general election in Puerto
Rico. Persons eligible to vote under this subsection shall, upon timely request to the
Commission and prompt return to the Popular Democratic Party of a full political profile of
your views on Puerto Rico’s status, might be entitled to receive an absentee SPANISH-
ONLY ballot for the plebiscite.

(3) All Popular Democratic Party members who have died since the founding of the party in
1938. The Puerto Rico State Elections Commission shall collaborate with the Puerto Rico
Department of Health Demographic Registry to gather all necessary records to cast the “dead
vote.” Further, Popular Democratic Party Founder Luis Muñoz Marin gets two votes; one for
each face.
(d) CERTIFICATION OF PLEBISCITE RESULTS.—The Puerto Rico Popular Democratic
Party shall certify the results of any plebiscite held under this Act to the People of Puerto Rico
for another vote on whether or not to accept the Popular Democratic Party’s interpretation of the
results. After said vote by voters in Puerto Rico, the Popular Democratic Party shall verify and
certify that vote, send it to a Blue Ribbon Committee for no less than two years but no more than
5 years. After this period of legislative cooling, the results and all reports and analysis collected
thereto, herein, and aforesaid, the Popular Democratic Party shall send every ballot box on a
victory lap around the island, visiting all 78 municipalities and 900 barrios of the island where
every child under 5 shall be present (unless said absence is accompanied by a doctor’s note).
After the island-wide Caravana (building-size speakers optional), the Popular Democratic Party
shall call forth a Constituent Assembly to further analyze and scrutinize the vote. After a period
of no more than ten years, the Popular Democratic Party shall finally certify the process to the
President of the United States and to the Members of the Senate and House of Representatives of
the United States for immediate action on future changes or vice versa, respectively.

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GOOD LUCK, PUERTO RICO!