One Thing That Will Ruin a

Perfectly Good Relationship

The behavior that can make or break your connection.

Criticism is the first of John Gottman’s famous Four Horsemen of the

Apocalypse, which predict divorce with more than 90% accuracy. In my
clinical experience it is the most predictive of disaster in love
relationships, as the other three tend to follow from it—stonewalling,
defensive, and contemptuous partners almost invariably feel criticized.

Criticism is destructive to relationships when it is:

 About personality or character, rather than behavior

 Filled with blame

 Not focused on improvement

 Based on only one “right way” to do things

 Belittling.

Criticism in close relationships starts out, in most cases, on a low key and
escalates over time, forming a downward spiral with increasing resentment.
The criticized person feels controlled, which frustrates the critical partner,
who then steps up the criticism, increasing the other’s sense of being
controlled, and so on.

At no time in this downward spiral does an obvious fact occur to critical

people: Criticism is an utter failure at getting positive behavior change. Any
short-term gain you might get from it just builds resentment down the line.

Criticism fails because it embodies two of the things that human beings hate
the most:

 It calls for submission, and we hate to submit.

 It devalues, and we hate to feel devalued.

While people hate to submit, we like to cooperate. Critical people seem

oblivious to a key point about human nature: The valued self cooperates;
the devalued self resists. If you want behavior change, show value for the
person whose behavior you want to change. If you want resistance, criticize.

Critical people are certainly smart enough to figure out that criticism doesn’t
work. So why do they keep doing it in the face of mounting frustration?

They keep doing it because criticism is an easy form of ego defense. We

don’t criticize because we disagree with a behavior or an attitude. We
criticize because we somehow feel devalued by the behavior or attitude.
Critical people tend to be easily insulted and especially in need of ego
defense.
Critics think they are doing us a service; they think they are helping us
improve our work, but what they frequently do is destroy our motivation by
demoralizing us.

Unbridled criticism given without praise will also destroy relationships. It

not only kills self-assurance; it kills love. Whether the recipient is
family, friend or lover, the message is clear: "You are not good enough."
Some victims of criticism will try to win approbation by changing for the
critic, but over time if it is not forthcoming, they will give up.

ISFPs (Julie), tend to take criticism very personally so what ENTJs (Adam)
might see as constructive suggestions, ISFPs (Julie) often perceive as a
personal attack. Where ENFPs (Adam) can be insensitive, impatient and
bossy, ISFPs (Julie) can be prone to being moody and sensitive with an
unwillingness to let go of hurts. Finally, ISFPs (Julie) and ENTJs (Adam) may
have sharply different values which can cause a variety of problems. The
ENTJ’s (Adam) self- worth is often tied to their professional lives and
accomplishments which they value greatly, whereas the ISFPs (Julie) tend to
place more importance on their personal relationship and interests