OFFICIAL CHORD BOOK FOR THE MUSICAL FOLK

 
 
 
 
 
H Y M N A L S 

 
Table of Contents 
 
Hit Me With Your Car………………………………………………………………… 3 
Miss Your Friends………………………………………………………………………..4 
Everybody is going to have sex tonight…………………………………………..6 
White Man and Acoustic Guitar…………………………………………………..8 
Realistic Love Song (For Average Folk)................................................9 
The Ballad of the Brothers Fish Hunt…………………………………………..10 
No More Gun Violence (or how to destroy a man).............................12 
Charger Back…………………………………………………………………………......14 
That’s What You Sound Like……………………………………………………....16 
Questions…………………………………………………………………………...……...17 
Quirky Girl……………………………………………………………………….………..18 
Haunted Hookup……………………………………………………………………….19 
Bring Back the Duel…………………………………………………………………….21 
The Value Select Cry of Victory…………………………………………………...22 
 
 
 
 
 
All Diagrams were Summoned   by RAFA
 
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@THATVEGANKIDRAR
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

2 
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H Y M N A L S 

HIT ME WITH YOUR CAR 

Walking home last night  Standard Version

Through busy streets 
Can’t handle the heat 
Of the city 
To my surprise 
A car comes rushing by 
I stop to think: 
If only it’d hit me 
 
Hit me with your car 
Hit me with your car 
Hit me with your car 
  Capo on
Capo on 1 One
So I can collect disability checks OOH 
 
Spend it how I like 
Maybe buy a new life 
Girl you’d be my shining star 
If you’d fuckin’ break my leg 
With your motherfuckin’ car 
 
And the city lights 
They burn my eyes 
They’re making me feel like: 
I don’t want to be alive. 
Oh wait I do 
I’ll try something new 
Hope in front of a bus and get-get 
Motherflippin’ Money 
 
Hit me with your car 
Hit me with your car 
Hit me with your car 
 
So I can collect disability checks OOH 
 
Spend it how I like 
Maybe buy a new life 
Girl you’d be my shining star 
If you’d fuckin’ break my leg 
With your motherfuckin’ car 

3 
A Masterwork by Scott Hans
H Y M N A L S 

MISS YOUR FRIENDS 

  Standard Version
Night falls 
And the lights get low 
I feel alone at home 
So I turn on my cellular phone 
Swiping through faces 
That I used to know 
Then I come ‘cross yours 
And I remember the shit show 
 
Hurt Feelings  Campfire Version
Miscommunication 
Broke Promises 
Miscommunication 
 
Still if you asked me if I miss you. 
I’d gotta be real. 
 
(What I Miss About You Is) 
 
Truth is 
I just miss your friends 
Don’t give a fuck about you 
Just tell me how they’ve been 
By far the greatest tragedy was losing touch with them 
Cause you fucked it up with me 
They were pretty cool 
And Oh So Nice 
Not at all like you 
I fuckin’ miss those guys 
So her friends, if you’re hearing this 
Bear witness to my reminiscence  
Y’all some tight ass pimps 
 
It’s true 
Don’t miss a thing that you do. 
But your friends were some Straight Up Fools 
Some cool dudes 
Do they miss me too? 
I hope so. 
I ought to buy a plane ticket 
So I can visit the Mofo’s 

4 
A Masterwork by Formulation
H Y M N A L S 

MISS YOUR FRIENDS cont. 

 
With them I laughed and had a good time 
When I was with you, all you did was 
Fuck With My Mind 
So girl when you hit me up 
And ask what I miss about us 
 
(Now you’ll know I’ll fuckin’ say) 
 
Truth is 
I just miss your friends 
Don’t give a fuck about you 
Just tell me how they’ve been 
By far the greatest tragedy was losing touch with them 
Cause you fucked it up with me 
They were pretty cool 
And Oh So Nice 
Not at all like you 
I fuckin’ miss those guys 
So her friends, if you’re hearing this 
Bear witness to my reminiscence  
Y’all some tight ass pimps 

5 
H Y M N A L S 

EVERBODY IS GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT (CHRISTIAN EDITION) 

 
Everybody  Standard Version
Everybody 
Everybody 
Everybody 
 
Everybody’s gonna have sex tonight 
As long as you’re having it 
With your wife 
And as long as your wife wants to 
Have some sex 
‘Cause if not 
Better put your ass to bed 
Everybody go and grab your man 
Right 
Now 
Say 
Sex me daddy 
Capo on 4
Till a baby falls out (aye) 
But only when our income is stable as shit 
And when that baby comes 
You better baptize it 
 
Girl 
I wanna sex you 
‘Cause your my fuckin’ partner for life 
 
The whole point of getting married 
Was so I could sex you right  
All night 
Now 
When 
We have the sex 
We can do it all guilt free 
We’ve donated and volunteered 
And fed the poor 
My man Jesus won’t be mad 
When you lock the door 
So go and lock the door 
 
 
 

6 
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H Y M N A L S 

EVERYBODY IS GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT cont. 

 
Everybody 
Everybody 
Everybody 
Everybody 
 
If you need the sweet seed 
Of a certified G 
Better rock the clean gleam 
Of a certified ring 
Literal saint in the streets 
But a freak in the sheets 
Better bet I locked it down 
For eternity 
Gonna make you scream my name 
So loud 
In a far off place 
No one’s around 
‘Cause I still feel shameful 
Yes I do 
But I’m still gonna make you have 
Five orgasms 
Your legs shaking 
As I go down 
Aint a one night stand 
I’mma be around 
Make you swear I’m the man who invented sex 
But it can’t be true 
Twas a virgin till I met you 
 
Everybody 
Everybody 
Everybody 
Everybody 
 
Everbody’s gonna have sex tonight. 
 
Except for YOU. 
 
(Who me?) 
 
YEAH, YOU! 

7 
A Masterwork by Larry Trainor
H Y M N A L S 

WHITE MAN AND ACOUSTIC GUITAR 

 
Sitting there on the staircase 
A pale faced man opens up a guitar case 
He shouldn’t have brought there 
In the first place 
Tuning the strings to a sound 
That just sounds 
It don’t sound good 
 
This hack bitch needs months more of practice 
The fact is 
Guitar Chords still  
Hurt his fingers 
 
And he ain’t a good singer 
But believes 
That all he needs 
To succeed 
Is having something to say 
And he don’t have that neither. 
 
White man and acoustic guitar 
Has got to be the worst plus one 
By far 
You can try to hide the instruments 
In your house 
But this white dude will go 
And fuckin’ 
Sniff them out 
 
And he’s singing all the worst songs like: 
Hey everybody 
Come and Sing Along 
‘Cause he don’t know the words himself 
He just put in 
The Least Amount of Work 
To go impress some woman 
 
And the worst part is 
That it sometimes works. 
 
 

8 
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H Y M N A L S 

REALISTIC LOVE SONG (FOR AVERAGE FOLK) 

 
Girl! 
I see you crying 
Into the night 
Those other boys you talk to 
Just don’t know how to treat you right 
Oh baby see! 
When they take you out to eat 
They make you pay 
For the whole damn meal 
Then they steal your purse and leave 
 
You don’t feel real pretty 
Got low self esteem 
And while we can both agree 
You’re not a full time model 
You’re still a seven at least 
 
And a girl like that needs a little bit more 
Not a whole lot more 
Just a little bit more 
And 
I can be the guy 
To come and give it to you 
So if you choose to girl 
 
You can have whatever you want! 
 
… 
 
Within reason! 
 
The waters on me take all the bread you can see 
I’ve got gift cards for easy eating! 
We’re not the kind of folks 
Who get nice things for free 
But baby 
I will do my best to spoil you 
Inexpensively 
 
 
 

9 
A Masterwork by MacAlmighty
H Y M N A L S 

THE BALLAD OF THE BROTHERS FISH HUNT 

 
It’s the perfect day for a Fish Hunt 
So I load up all my swords in his Honda Accord Sport 
Twenty-Fifteen 
It’s a good car 
Not a great car 
But 
It’s a good car 
 
Electric windows down 
Feel the breeze 
We brought CD’s 
Each one’s Alicia Keys 
 
We get pumped and ready! 
I’ve got guns a’plenty 
Man this fish gonna die! 
Lock hands till the get sweaty 
 
And when they dry 
Then we know we’ve arrived 
Grab a fish killing permit from the ranger guy 
He says 
Son, listen here, look me in my eye! 
He only had one eye! 
It wasn’t hard to find! 
 
I have astigmatism in the left one 
And the fish knew this 
So they plucked out my best one 
Not only that 
But they killed my wife 
So take this book of spells 
And this enchanted sycthe 
Right! 
 
Fish Hunt, Fish Hunt! 
 
These Fish have Legs 
And these Fish can Run 
Seven Foot Tall 
And proficient at Fencin’ and Wrestlin’ 

10 
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H Y M N A L S 

THE BALLAD OF THE BROTHERS FISH HUNT cont. 

 
Let’s find the nest and eject them! 
Blood Moon rise 
When we reach the Hive 
I was killing many Fish 
With my many knives 
Shot my musket at the Fish King 
Wounded his Fish Wing 
He summoned several skeletons 
To do his bidding 
 
EPIC FIGHT 
 
To expensive to show 
 
I’m only one man 
Paid a pittance for this prose 
But legend has it to this very day 
That the War rages on 
‘Tween the brothers 
And the Fish King! 
 
But that’s a story for another time 
So goodnight little one 
Dream of Dolphins tonight! 

A Masterwork by MattNGigs

11 
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H Y M N A L S 

NO MORE GUN VIOLENCE (or how to destroy a man) 

 
I rep three words! 
No More Guns! 
Yeah! 
I used them once 
But now I’m done 
If you want to be SMART 
Then listen CLOSE 
For there are several WAYS 
To make a man a GHOST 
 
You could choke the motherlover with your BARE HANDS 
Or stick him straight through the chest with a SPARE LANCE 
Send a sharp harpoon to his PINEAL GLAND 
Or have his legs ripped off by an ARMY OF ANTS 
 
You could rise to POWER 
And then start a WAR 
Send his sons OVERSEAS 
So they die FORLORN 
Then broadcast on all the TV SCREENS 
Things that he can’t AFFORD 
And his wife don’t NEED 
But he’ll work overtime just to buy her DREAM 
Make him work so long that she gets LONELY 
 
And with the lack of self-esteem from the TV 
She hopes to feel special by CHEATING 
She does so RELUCTANTLY 
The husband won’t KNOW 
But the secret’s too MUCH 
For one person to HOLD 
So she lashes OUT 
But won’t say WHY 
Then a baby COMES 
And it’s not our GUYS 
 
But he won’t find out till they give the kid 
A twenty-three and me as a christmas gift 
Now his sons are dead 
And this teen aint his 
And his wife feels broken 

12 
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H Y M N A L S 

NO MORE GUN VIOLENCE (or how to destroy a man) cont. 

 
So he jumps off a bridge! But he doesn’t die, the motherlover survives 
In fact he feels he should make the most of his life 
But his legs are now BROKEN 
And he can’t SWIM 
So he DROWNS 
Never to be seen AGAIN 

Follow @SarahGrohol on Instagram!

Or you could send him to space with a BIG BALLOON! 

 

13 
Just soak this one in
H Y M N A L S 

CHARGER BACK 
 
I’m low battery 
Standard Version
Five percent 
I reach for my charger 
And then I’m met 
With nothing 
Not a cord in sight 
Where could it be? 
Then a light bulb lights 
 
OH RIGHT 
 
I lent it over to you! 
I ask for it back 
You say wait dude 
You literally just now gave it to me 
I say bitch please  Capo on 6
That’s my property 
 
Give me my fu- 
Give me my fu- 
Fucking 
Give me my fu- 
Give me my fu- 
Fucking 
Charger Back 
My Charger Back 
 
And I don’t care if your batteries low 
The thing is mine 
And I need it so 
Give me my charger back 
 
(Give it now or I’ll punch you in the mouth motherfucker) 
 
Still you won’t give in 
You resist 
When I reach for my charger 
You grab my wrist 
And say hey wait 
I’m not finished with that 
I say hey great 

14 
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H Y M N A L S 

CHARGER BACK cont. 

 
I need it back 
The thing is mine 
And when I call it home 
It returns to me 
And leaves you alone 
If you wanted to have 
A fully charged phone 
Well 
Maybe then you should’ve went and brought your own 
 
Give me my fu- 
Give me my fu- 
Fucking 
Give me my fu- 
Give me my fu- 
Fucking 
Charger Back 
My Charger Back 
 
And I don’t care if your batteries low 
The thing is mine 
And I need it so 
Give me my charger back 

15 
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H Y M N A L S 

THAT’S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE 

 
You see me dancing in the neon lights 
One tear in my eye 
As the white dove dies 
In the sky 
You had to go and ruin everything 
‘Cause I forgot one thing 
At the grocery store 
You go 
 
How can you forget that item? 
I’m so perfect all the time 
My parents are still alive 
 
That’s what you sound like 
 
Look at me I am so smart 
I went to college 
And you didn’t 
I have a liberal arts degree 
Yee yee 
 
That’s what you sound like 
 
You say you don’t sound like that 
But girl you do and that’s a fact 
You say that I am immature 
I know you are but what am I? 
 
Shake my fists at the heavens above! 
I’ve lost again at this game of love 
She’s left me for another man 
Jokes on her 
I was cheating the whole time! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

16 
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H Y M N A L S 

QUESTIONS 
 
Why is it dark when it’s night outside? 
And Why can’t I look at the sun? 
And how come when I look at the sun  
It hurts my eyes 
And makes me blind? 
 
How do you make sparkling water? 
And why does it always go flat? 
Where do the bubbles go? 
No one will ever know 
Somethings are just unsolvable 
 
Oh! 
 
Questions! 
That‘ll never have answers. 
Questions! 
That’ll never be solved. 
 
Questions! 
That‘ll never have answers. 
Questions! 
That’ll never be solved. 
 
Which of our dads would win in a fight? 
And where does all the time go? 
Does the time get gifted to the dad who wins 
In this imaginary battle of fatherly fists? 
 
Why do we have to wash our hands? 
And why is it gay to have sex with a man? 
Why is it illegal to build a bomb? 
And why can’t we just all get along? 
 
Questions! 
That‘ll never have answers. 
Questions! 
That’ll never be solved. 
 
Forever. 
 

17 
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H Y M N A L S 

QUIRKY GIRL UKULELE 

 
Quirky Girl  Standard Version
Ukulele 
Pitch is flat 
And your tone is nasally 
 
Christmas Lights 
Can’t Strike the Gloom 
From your cliche ridden 
Doom Filled Room 
 
Your so Sad 
The Look You’ve Chosen 
Draws in Laughs   Capo 5
‘Cause You’re Only Posin’ 
 
Can’t you take on a Realer Look? 
‘Cause they’re all just looks 
But yours is obvious! 
Quirky Girl 
Front Faced Camera 
No One Cares 
About Your Lazy Stanzas 
 
Say it’s Only Just For Fun 
 
Then Why’d You Have to show it to everyone? 
 
Oh Yeah… 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

18 
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H Y M N A L S 

HAUNTED HOOKUP 
 
Making my way through the club tonight 
Two drinks in my hand 
One thought/thot on my mind 
See a P.Y.T 
By the E-N-TRY 
She’s gotta be the one 
To come home with me 
 
He’s the man out on attack 
The ladies love him 
That’s a matter of fact 
 
He brings a new one home each time 
Who is gonna be his prize? 
 
Won’t you please come over tonight 
‘Cause there’s some ghosts 
in my motherfuckin’ household 
 
Won’t you please sleep by my side 
‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone 
In my home! 
 
Come with me girl 
Don’t be shy 
This is why I bring a lady home each night 
 
We don’t even have to have sex 
Just save me from these funky spirits! 
 
Now we’re at the crib 
And it’s getting spooky 
Lot’s of Ghosts 
SPOOKY! SPOOKY! 
 
Wooden Cross 
Salt Circle 
Holy Water 
Book ‘o Spells 
Sage 
Someone’s Daughter 

19 
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H Y M N A L S 

HAUNTED HOOKUP cont. 

 
If this place is haunted why don’t you leave? 
‘Cause I still got a few months left on the lease 
Couldn’t we just have gone back to my place? 
Aw 
Shit 
Wait! 
FUCK! 
 
Won’t you please come over tonight 
‘Cause there’s some ghosts 
in my motherfuckin’ household 
 
Won’t you please sleep by my side 
‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone 
In my home! 
 
Come with me girl 
Don’t be shy 
This is why I bring a lady home each night 
 
We could even try to have sex 
But the ghosts just float and watch! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

20 
H Y M N A L S 

BRING BACK THE DUEL 

 
Playa’s been talking smack 
And I’ve had 
Just enough of it 
It’s high time 
To quit this 
Culture of Slander without Recourse 
Lobbing Lies in Attempts to Corrupt the Source 
 
But what do we do? 
When the system is broken? 
And cruel mob rule 
Makes discussion verboten? 
 
Here’s my proposal  
Say whatever you like 
But if you get it wrong 
Be prepared for a sword fight! 
 
Bring Back The Motherflippin’ Duel 
‘Cause I got fools that I’d like to school 
In a Battle of Blades 
Don’t Besmirch my name 
Or get slapped 
Get stabbed 
Then bleed phat 
And that’s that! 
 
Think twice ‘fore bandying claims 
‘Cause you might just die 
At the dawn of the next day 
 
A flintlock pistol is the motherflippin’ tool 
Bring Back the Motherflippin Duel! 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

21 
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H Y M N A L S 

THE VALUE SELECT OUTRO 

 
Perfect! 
 
 
 

22 
A Masterwork by Larson Long
A blessing of strength unto you