Personal Counselling Skills Journal

Introduction
The three skills I will discuss in this journal all arose within a short counselling session I

conducted with another student. (This session was videotaped for an assignment the other

student was doing, and a transcript of relevant parts of the session are included in Appendix

A.) There were many other occasions during the semester when I practised these—and

other—basic counselling skills, mostly in my daily interactions with friends and family, and

in relation to my work. I have described several of these situations briefly in Appendix B,

although there is not the space to examine them here.

Skill No. 1—Reflective Empathic Listening

The occasion:
The client (I’ll call her “Ann”) started by telling me that she had recently lost her temper and

smacked her adopted daughter a couple of times, and expressed the concern that she was

“getting a bit scared of [herself]”, because she feared she might lose control and hit her

daughter again—perhaps with more serious consequences. In the segment leading up to my

first intervention (see A1 in Appendix A), she also talks about how hurt she was by her

husband’s comment that their daughter might have been better off “with where she was”

before adoption, rather than with Ann.

My use of the skill:

While Ann was talking I maintained an open posture and good eye contact with her. I nodded

or made a vocal acknowledgment (e.g., “um-hmm”) when I wanted to communicate that I

had heard a particular comment, and allowed her to speak uninterrupted until she chose to

stop.

My first intervention in the session was an attempt to reflect the main feeling Ann had

expressed in the opening stage of the session. The main emotional message I had extracted
from her comments was that she was worried about losing control again—afraid of what she
Basic Counselling Skills A—Personal Journal

might do—and so my reflection of feelings sought to convey to her that I had heard this

aspect of her story:

J1: So you feel a little bit ... afraid—of yourself?

The impact:
Ann’s response was not to affirm this description. Rather, she said she felt “let down”. I think

she meant she felt that she had let herself down, although she didn’t actually say this (see A2

for her exact words). She went on to disclose that she had also been hit by a parent in her

childhood, and that it was hurting her that she was doing “exactly the same thing”. This tells

me that, although she had used the word “scared” several times—including the expression

“scared of myself” (not included in transcript)—my use of the word “afraid” failed to capture

the feeling she had been describing.

How well did it work?

I think my statement was an appropriately brief attempt to reflect Ann’s feelings, and that for

such an early stage in the session—and given my limited experience as a counsellor—it was

not a bad effort. However, I feel that it didn’t work particularly well, because it failed to

resonate with the way Ann was feeling at the moment I made the intervention. I think this is

because, by the end of A1, her focus had shifted away from feeling scared of what she might
do, and towards feeling hurt by her husband’s comment. My reflection had only picked up on

the first of these feelings.

What would I do differently?

I would prefer that I had said something like:

J1a: So you’re feeling hurt by your husband’s reaction to what happened.

My reason for not responding this way initially was that I judged from Ann’s non-verbal

behaviour—and from the fact that she rushed her words when quoting her husband—that her

husband’s response might turn out to be her major concern, and that to reflect this so soon in

the session might be too confronting for her. With hindsight, however, I think she would have
been ready to hear that I had registered her hurt at this stage. I also think now that she was

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equally concerned about her loss of control and her husband’s comment, but the latter was

foremost in her mind at the end of A1.

Incidentally, my second attempt at reflecting Ann’s feelings (J2) seems to have been much

more successful, judging by the enthusiasm of her response in A3—even though I was still

focusing on her feelings about what she had done rather than her feelings about her

husband’s response:

J2: And you feel that you’ve done the wrong thing, and that you might do it again?

This seems to be because my first reflection (J1) had guided her back towards this topic, so

that J2 struck a chord with the feelings she had begun to get in touch with at the end of A2.

This alerts me to two things: firstly, the ease with which the counsellor can unwittingly

manipulate the direction of the client’s thoughts and feelings; and secondly, that it is perhaps

important to reflect only the feelings expressed by the client most recently (or currently), if

the counsellor is hoping to minimise this potentially manipulative effect. (However, perhaps

there are times when deliberately drawing a client back to an emotion expressed much earlier

in the interaction makes good therapeutic sense...)

Skill No. 2—Questioning and Probing

The occasion:
Later in the same interaction, Ann mentions again her hurt at her husband’s reaction, and her

sense that what she did was “a big no-no”. She has also said that she is questioning her own

ability, and wondering where to go from here. Since the last incident she has stopped

reprimanding her daughter completely because she wants to avoid being in a situation where

she loses her temper again in the same way, and yet she feels that “ignoring the issues” in this

way is “even worse”.

My use of the skill:

Having earlier given a couple of paraphrases in relation to her sense of over-compensating by

not reprimanding, and the fact that her husband’s reaction is also important to her, I venture
to probe a little behind her feeling that what she has done is a “big no-no”, as follows:

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J5: Tell me a little bit more about this feeling that you have that it’s wrong—that what
you did is wrong. Where ... where do you think that feeling comes from?

I think my use of this probe resulted mainly from my feeling that further reflection of feelings

and paraphrasing was not going to achieve very much more than it already had—at least,

given my current level of skill in using these techniques. I imagine that someone with Carl

Rogers’s level of skill would have had no trouble in making very productive use of what Ann

had already said, as the basis for a whole counselling session. However, I felt that I had no

new insights into Ann’s situation at that stage, and that it might help me if she introduced

some new—or deeper—reflections on her feelings and thoughts.

The impact:
Ann began by seeking clarification of my question:

A6: As to why I feel it’s wrong?

J6: Yes.

She then went on to talk again about having been hit a couple of times as a child, and how

this may have led her to decide never to do this with her own children. She also talked about

having read in child psychology books about the effect this has on a child’s self-esteem. This

indicates that the main impact of my probe was to lead Ann to theorise about the origins of

her sense of wrongness about hitting.

How well did it work?

It was not my intention at all to lead Ann into a speculation about the historical origins of her

feelings. However, I now realise that this probe could hardly have avoided doing just that.
Even though I didn’t use the word “why” in my question, my clarification (J6) led her

towards that interpretation. I now realise that my reasons for probing on that particular

subject were quite unclear in my own mind, and were more the product of inexperience than

a sound grasp of the use of probes. I think I was too concerned with what I felt I needed to

know, rather than with what Ann’s needs were.

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What would I do differently?

I’m not sure whether I would prefer to have remained silent at that stage, to see whether Ann

spontaneously continued, or whether I think a more carefully-chosen probe would have been

appropriate. Perhaps I could have tried a combination of these two responses—as I did later

in the interaction, where I first allowed quite a long pause, during which tears began to form

in Ann’s eyes, and then I gently asked:

J10: What’s the main thing you’re feeling right at the moment?

However, what made J10 a useful probe, I think, was that by this stage Ann was beginning to

experience some of her hurt anyway, and my probe was really only trying to help her tap into

that feeling more effectively—as well as reflecting that I was aware she was getting quite

upset. It might have been inappropriate or ineffective to lead into this sort of probing of

current feelings at an earlier stage of the interaction. On balance, then, I think I would prefer

to have simply allowed a much longer silence—which would also have given me more time

to sense what response, if any, might be appropriate.

Skill No. 3—Challenging and Confronting

The occasion:
After Ann’s response (A7) to my probe (J5), I think I realised that I had led her away from

her feelings and into a more intellectual mode. Perhaps in response to this realisation, I

confronted her with a particular interpretation of a statement she had just made. I may well

have been prompted to challenge her in this way by the thought that it might help undo the

impact my earlier intervention had made, and help her get back in touch with her feelings—

although I don’t remember thinking this explicitly at the time.

My use of the skill:

Ann had made the statement that she would have decided that hitting was “something that I

would never do to my children” in response to having been hit herself by her father. The

challenge I made was in the form of the following interpretation of this statement—taken in
the context of her strong self-criticism earlier in the session:

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J7: You have very high expectations of yourself.

This statement had the virtue of connecting her most recent response with one of the themes

of her earlier comments, and I think my expectation was that, because I delivered it in a very

“deadpan” manner, with no hint of evaluation in my voice, it might prompt her to experience

just how hard she was being on herself.

The impact:
Ann’s response was to interpret my comment in a slightly defensive way, not seeming to

want to concede that she might be “beating herself up” too much, or that her expectations

might be higher than anyone else’s:

A8: Um ... maybe ... but whether it is high expectations or whether it is an expectation of a
parent not to do that, I’m not sure.

In any case, my challenge didn’t really have the effect I had hoped for, at least in the

responses that followed immediately—although she did become quite emotionally engaged a

little later in the interaction. It’s not clear to me exactly which of my earlier interventions—if

any—may have facilitated this.

How well did it work?

Unfortunately, I think my challenge kept Ann’s attention focused at the cognitive level—as

did my follow-up paraphrase:

J8: So it’s partly, perhaps, society’s expectations, as well as yours?

Nevertheless, the fact that it did elicit a slightly defensive reaction may have contributed to
her subsequent shift to a more emotional response, although J7 and J8 were probably an

unnecessary detour, prompted mainly by my own intellectual curiosity rather than a really

sensitive reading of Ann’s situation.

What would I do differently?

Having diverted Ann into this very analytical mode of thinking, it is hard to imagine the

“perfect” way of getting back to something more emotionally real for her. Perhaps a short

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silence would have allowed her to settle into this by herself; or perhaps my actual comment

(J7) wasn’t such a bad way of trying to retrieve the situation after all.

Conclusion
One of the morals for me of the reflections I’ve made in this journal is that there is always a

multitude of possible responses at every point along the way in a given counselling

interaction, and that there is most likely always something positive as well as something

negative to be said about each of these responses. I think it is tempting for me to over-analyse

and be overly self-critical, which, while being a very valuable skill to have, runs the risk of

blinding me to the fact that it is primarily through extensive and repeated practice rather than

excessively self-conscious analysis that real growth in my counselling skills will happen.

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Appendix A
Transcript of Counselling Session—Excerpt
(A = Ann—the client; J = counsellor)

A1: ... I sometimes get really scared when I lose my temper, and a couple of times I’ve hit
her, and that’s ... which ... I know it’s so wrong to do it, but it was, like, you know, in
those instances when you lost absolute control? And that’s really got me down, and
it’s really sort of upsetting me a lot that I did it—something that I’ve told people is
wrong, and I still did it, and the fact that I’m scared that I might do it again. And, I
mean, to tell you really honestly, the thing that hurt most when I did— it was just one
smack—but my husband said, “Wasn’t she better off with where she was rather than
being with you?” So it’s a very ... it hurt; it hurt a lot. And I’ve been thinking about it
a lot since. I haven’t done it again, and it only has happened a couple of times. But
it’s something that has really got me down.
J1: So you feel a little bit ... afraid—of yourself?
A2: Uh, afraid, that ... uh ... probably let down is a better description. I feel let down.
That’s something that I believe that shouldn’t be done, and ... uh ... perhaps in my ... it
happened to me ... again not very often, but a few times, and like, you can never
forgive your parents for doing that to you, and here you are, doing exactly the same
thing, basically, and that’s ... that’s ... uh ... it’s, it’s hurting me, and I haven’t got over
that hurt.
J2: And you feel that you’ve done the wrong thing, and that you might do it again?
A3: Yeah! You know, because it was, like, something that, you know, you ... I mean you
lose control, and ... uh ... and how do ... how does one get on top of something like ...
like that? You know, where ... I mean, why did I lose control, because I’m a very
patient person generally (laughing). So it’s ... yeah, it’s really got me down a bit; and
the ... the other side of it is then I stopped sort of reprimanding her completely, you
know, in case I ... sort of ignoring ... which, I know, again, is even worse. You know,
like, ignore the issues because I don’t want ever to be in a situation where I sort of
lose my temper again.
J3: And you feel now that you may have over-compensated—gone too far—by ignoring
those ... those things?
A4: I think so. I think so ... So generally I’m sort of, you know, questioning my own
ability a lot. And ... uh ... basically finding the middle ground, and ... uh ... exactly
what to do from here on (laughing), basically. Plus, I mean, the fact that that remark
probably is hurting still, you know, because you believe that you did the right thing,
and yes, you know, you probably have done a few wrong things, but I think this—in
my opinion—was a big no-no, and I’ve done something that was a big no-no for me.
J4: And your partner’s reaction to this is important in your feelings as well.
A5: It certainly is, yes, definitely ... (pause)
J5: Tell me a little bit more about this feeling that you have that it’s wrong—that what
you did is wrong. Where ... where do you think that feeling comes from?

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A6: As to why I feel it’s wrong?

J6: Yes.
A7: Uh ... I think it probably has a lot to do with, firstly ... uh... that as a ... as a child I
don’t ... I can’t remember whether I was hit as a child—like six year-old or
something—but I do remember a couple of instances where my father ... uh ... sort of,
you know, probably slapped me across the face, and till today I sort of shudder
thinking that that happened, although it wasn’t like abuse or anything—it wasn’t like
that. But the fact that ... that somebody hits you, it’s just, sort of, you just don’t forget
ever. And ... uh ... apparently at that time I would have decided that this is something
that I would never do to my children. And I think over the years, just the fact that you
read, you hear, you ... you know ... uh ... I’ve gone through a few books on, you
know, child psychology, and what it does to them and how it affects their ... uh ... uh
... self-esteem basically—all of that ... (pause)
J7: You have very high expectations of yourself.
A8: Um ... maybe ... but whether it is high expectations or whether it is an expectation of a
parent not to do that, I’m not sure.
J8: So it’s partly, perhaps, society’s expectations, as well as yours?
A9: You could be right, yes. Uh ... perhaps when I was doing it ... look, if I had done it
where I was in control, I probably wouldn’t be scared. But I wouldn’t have been ... I
wouldn’t have done it if I was in control. But the part that really scares me is the ...
the ... uh ... getting out of control ... uh ... you know, because, well obviously the
behaviour I wanted from her, she wasn’t going to comply with that, and it’s just that
... ?(dragged down together) ...just lost control; and that’s the bit that is worrying me
the most, yeah.
J9: I see. (long pause) Are there any other ... can you think of any other areas in your life
where you’ve lost control in that way?
A10: Um ... I probably would be as a ... as a teenager ... would be somebody who ... uh ...
would be ?(walking around the room), you know ... they didn’t like something, or ...
or not eat for four days ...
...
(pause)
J10: What’s the main thing you’re feeling right at the moment?
A11: Uh ... a lot of hurt ... um ... I’m unsure about my ability ... um ... basically I don’t
know where to go from here. You know, do I stop reprimanding her completely? And
the fact is that she’s a very good kid. You know, it’s not like, you know, she’s
obnoxious or naughty or anything (laughing). She’s very stubborn. She’s extremely
stubborn, and ... but that can be an asset sometimes. And I know all these things ... but
I suppose it may have to do a lot with ... I’m trying to achieve too much. It may have
to do with that.

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