Evan Haggard

Doug Darby
September 4, 2019

T he Lines t o an SNL Sket ch

F unct ion: For Act ing out lines

Alright, how’s ev ery body? Good! Good! Good! Now, as your fa-
t her probably t old you, my name is Mat t Foley, and I am a Mo-
t ivat ional Speaker! Now, let’s get start ed by me giv ing you a
lit t le bit of a scenario of w hat my lif e is all about! F irst of f,
I am 35 y ears old… I am divorced… and I liv e in a van dow n
by t he riv er! Now, you kids are p robably say ing t o yourself,
“Now, I’m gonna go out, and I’m gonna get t he world by t he
tail, and w rap it around and p ut it in my p ocket!” W ell, I’m
here t o t ell you t hat you’re p robably gonna f ind out, as you
go out t here, t hat you’re not gonna amount t o Jack Squat!!
You’re gonna end up eat ing a ST EADY diet of gov ernment
cheese, and LIV ING IN A VAN DOW N BY T HE RIV ER! Now, young
man, w hat do you want t o do w it h your lif e? I… act ually,
Mat t… I kinda wanna be a w rit er… W e-e-e-elll…la-de-
f reakin’-da! W e’v e got ourselv es a w rit er here! Hey, Dad, I
can’t see real good…is t hat Bill Shakesp eare ov er t here?
W ell, act ually, Mat t… Ellen and I hav e encouraged Brian in
his w rit ing.

Dad, I w ish you

could just shut
your big yap p er!