How to turn a

friend into a
lover
Kate Taylor

Have you fallen for one of your

friends? Are you hoping to change
the friendship into something more,
but don’t know where to start? Just
in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s
our Dating Coach Kate Taylor with
her simple three-step plan
Most people that I’ve met have, at
some point in their life, fallen in love
with one of their friends. Sometimes
they easily manage to turn the
friendship into a relationship. But more
often, they keep their feelings secret for
fear of embarrassment or of ruining an
important friendship forever.
Sometimes these friendships aren’t
purely platonic. Couples can end up in
“friends with benefits” relationships,
where they engage in physical passion
but share no other parts of a proper
relationship. Although satisfying
physically, these arrangements can be
very draining emotionally.

If you’re in love with a friend, don’t

give up hope, and don’t be afraid to act
on your feelings. These can be the
strongest, most satisfying and longest-
lasting of all relationships. Modern
dating is often based on instant
attraction and shared interests. But
friendships that turn into love are based
on a true understanding of each other,
honesty, and a shared history.

A word of caution, however: you can’t

just jump in. It took time to develop
your friendship, and it will take a little
more time to change it into a
relationship. In order to help you
navigate the change successfully, I’ve
created a simple, three-point plan.

Step 1: Drop a tiny

bombshell

Open a conversation about your

feelings. But, to prevent feeling
embarrassed or putting your friend on
the spot, phrase it in a subtle way. I
suggest you lightly tell them, with a
smile, “Do you know, I used to have a
huge crush on you.”

The beauty of this remark is that it puts

absolutely no pressure on your friend to
reply in any particular way. If they’re
not interested, they won’t be searching
for a tactful comment to spare your
feelings, because you’ve suggested that
you’ve dealt with your emotions and
moved on, happily.

If they are interested, it gives them an

easy opportunity to reply that they had
a crush on you, too, and in fact they
still do. But psychologically, this
comment goes a little deeper: it also
inspires a competitive spirit in your
friend. By saying that you used to have
a crush on them, you’re equally saying
that you no longer do. They’ll
immediately wonder why not, and what
they can do to turn you back around.
Almost without realising it, they’ll be
driven to win over your feelings.
After you’ve dropped your bombshell,
don’t try to prolong the conversation.
Your friend will need time to ponder,
so give them some room.

Step 2: Back off, just a

little
Next, it’s time to inject a little scarcity
into your friendship. The Scarcity
Principle is well documented in
psychology. Robert Cialdini, an
influence expert, found that “people
value and desire something more when
it is rare or difficult to obtain” (see
more here).

None of us like to feel we are being

pushed into anything—whether it’s
buying a product or choosing a
romantic partner. But as soon as we are
told that the product has almost sold
out, or we feel that a possible romantic
interest is slipping away, we react and
take action so that we don’t lose out.
This is how the principle of “playing
hard to get” works.

When you’re friends, you don’t try to

appear elusive or aloof. There’s no
need. But when you’re trying to win
over a romantic partner, it’s often a
good tactic—especially after your
bombshell.

Become just a little more difficult to

pin down. If you usually see your
friend three times a week, reduce that
to two, or even one. If you usually
spend 30 minutes on the phone to each
other, cut back to just 10.

If you are “friends with benefits” but

you want more, then you have to stop
the physical side of your friendship.
This might feel like you’re taking a
step back, and you’ll worry that it’s the
only thing keeping your friend
interested. But if that’s the case, it’s
definitely time to stop; to find someone
who wants a real relationship, you’ll
need motivation to get out and start
looking. Having a pseudo-partner will
hold you back.

The best way to introduce the Scarcity

Principle is to charmingly turn down
last-minute suggestions, or mundane
activities like watching TV together. If
your friend suggests you go for dinner
or plans a fun activity for the weekend,
go! But don’t allow yourself to become
a stand-in or a back-up if their other
companions are busy.

Instead, build up your own social life

and actively engage in more of your
own hobbies and interests. The more
life and energy you build up for
yourself, the more attractive you’ll
naturally become to everyone else.

Allowing your friend to miss your

company a little bit is a sure-fire way
of inspiring them to think about you
more, and realise whether they can—
or can’t— live without you in their life.

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Step 3: Flirt your socks
off
The final step in turning a friendship
into a relationship is the most fun: it’s
time to flirt.

All those things that you love and

admire about your friend—tell them.
Don’t be afraid that you’ll scare them
off: the beauty of combining flirting
with the Scarcity Principle is that you’ll
never become overwhelming.

In her 1928 groundbreaking book, The

Technique of The Love Affair, a young
Doris Langley Moore advised women
seeking to inspire love in men, to use
“warm words, but cool actions”. Never
hold back a compliment or miss an
opportunity to admire your friend. But
equally, don’t smother them with gifts
or demand too much of their time. Just
be charming. This allows your friend to
see you in the role of their partner.
So, to turn a friendship
into a relationship, try:
1) Revealing your feelings (with a post-
dated confession, to save
embarrassment);

2) Pulling back just a little, and

building up your own life, happily;

3) Being flirtatious and complimentary

every time you’re together.

If your friend also wants to explore

starting a relationship with you, you’ll
know very soon. And if they don’t,
you’ll have lost nothing. You can
continue being friends, while you keep
widening your own social circle and
eventually find someone who does
share all your dreams and goals. Good
luck!
. Yo, cool it with the names, Brah.

Stop calling him buddy, friend, pal,

brother, slugger, dude, kid, cool guy,
big guy, little guy, son, champ, sport,
loser, Spike, dawg, punk, slick,
professor, tiger, Smith, and hey you.
Those names belong in the Friend Zone
and they give off the wrong signal. They
might feel comfortable to use, but they
don't get his heart racing (or yours!).
They tell him you are not interested.
Use his first name.

2. Change what you do together.

Create an opportunity for romance.

Put down the Frisbee and go for a
drink. My friend Lindsey took a small
road trip with her guy friend so that
they could attend a friend's party in
another city. On their return trip, they
were more than friends. Now they're
getting married.3. Dress for a date.
You want to maintain your identity and
style, but try tapping into your feminine
side. Swap the sweatpants for a skirt.
He will notice. This sounds so
backwards and antiquated, but I swear:
skirts! Men are visual people. My friend
Kate was like, a superjock tomboy but
in 2003, after spending a semester
hanging around me at grad school, she
started wearing the color pink and
skirts for the first time in her life. Men
noticed! She snagged her first boyfriend
the next semester. I'm just sayin'.

4. Stay open to other possibilities.

Date other people. If he asks you about

these guys, he might be wondering
about the competition. Nothing wrong
with a little healthy competition. And
while we're at it…

5. Don't over-focus on him and

what could be.
If your mutual friends constantly gossip
about how great you'd be together,
that's annoying. I'm glad they see what
you see (or what you want to see), but is
that what he sees? He won't become
your boyfriend because everyone thinks
it should happen. He'll date you if the
chemistry grows and he feels attracted.

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6. Get your flirt on.

It may feel inauthentic or suspect to

start acting coy and girly and weirdo if
you've always maintained your cool.
Who bats their lashes while playing a
competitive game of pool? But hey, it
won't be embarrassingly obvious if you
start smiling and laughing more. You
don't have to act like Miss Piggy, but
choose two moves and do them: giggle,
touch his arm, toss your hair, touch
your neck, shrug your shoulders, shake
your hips, bake him a cookie. Come on!
Be alluring! I'm not saying act fake, but
if this guy makes you giddy, the giggling
should happen naturally anyway.
7. Bite the bullet and ask him out
already.

The worst way to miss someone is to be

sitting right next to them. So if you're
on the couch playing Xbox with your
bud and you're just DYING to run your
fingers through his hair, well, it's time
to ask him out. You cannot go on any
longer. You are going to make yourself
sick. Stop the torture. Ask him out.

8. But be patient after that!

The timing has to be right for a get-

together. You might realize you have
feelings for the guy, but at that time he's
seeing someone else. (Watch how he
reacts to your asking him out—is he
touched? He might free up later and go
after you!) Keep up the friendship and
who knows what the future will bring.
The Secret to
Turning
Friendship Into
Romance
Relationships can develop, but
only under certain circumstances.
Posted May 31, 2014

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Previously, I wrote here on research

about when you should play "hard to
get" in relationships. That research also
found an interesting distinction between
behaviors that created "liking" and
those that increased "desire" (Dai,
Dong, & Jia, 2014). In other words,
being easy, congenial, and friendly
made a person more "likeable,"
but not more attractive or desirable as a
romantic partner. In contrast, being
aloof and challenging made a
person more attractive and desirable,
but did not make them likeable.

This finding left me wondering whether

this distinction between
liking/friendship and
desiring/attraction could be behind other
romantic issues as well. After all, many
individuals find it difficult to avoid or get
out of the "friend zone" and build a
romantic connection with a friend
(see here and here). Similarly, "nice"
men and women often feel like they
finish last in relationships, being picked
over for "bad" boys and girls who
appear more desirable (see here). Even
those in long-term relationships who fall
into friendly, companionate love
sometimes need help re-
sparking attraction and passion.

Lusting While Loathing

I uncovered an article by Litt, Khan, and

Shiv (2010) titled "Lusting While
Loathing: Parallel Counterdriving of
Wanting and Liking." As the title
suggests, the researchers were
interested in exploring whether
our motivation for liking something might
be separate from our motivation to want
or desire it—and if these motivations
were separate, could they sometimes
be in conflict with each other?
To test these questions, the
researchers designed two experiments
that "jilted" some participants in various
ways. In the first experiment, some
participants failed to win a prize, while
others succeeded. In the second
experiment, some participants were
denied an expected reward, while
others received it. The researchers then
measured how much participants liked
and desired to obtain the various prizes
or rewards.

The results of both experiments

supported a distinction between liking
and desiring—as well as the possibility
of the processes working in opposition.
Participants who had been jilted
showed an increased desire to obtain
the prizes or rewards they had been
denied, as compared to non-jilted
participants. However, those jilted
participants also demonstrated
significantly less liking for the
prizes/rewards once they were obtained
than non-jilted participants did—in fact,
they were more willing to trade the
prizes for something else.
Put simply, being denied a reward
made people want it more, but like it
less when they got it. In contrast,
getting the reward made them like it
more, but less motivated to work to
obtain more of it. Or, as the authors
note, "These results demonstrate how
dissociable psychological subsystems
for wanting and liking can be driven in
opposite directions" (p. 118).

What Does This Suggest About Love

and Friendship?

Passionate love and friendly liking can

sometimes conflict with one another.
Too much nice guy (or gal) pleasing
and you may find yourself killing
attraction and desire in your partner.
Too much bad boy (or girl) teasing,
though, and you may find that your
passionate lover doesn't really like you
very much.

In other words, satisfying your partner's

needs or wants increases how much
they like you and how friendly they feel
toward you—but it may also reduce
their desire to chase you for more. In
contrast, not satisfying a partner's
needs may keep them passionately
pursuing you and trying to please you,
but will eventually lead to dislike,
dissatisfaction, and animosity.

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The key is balance—intermittent
rewards and a bit of tension.

How might this look in practice?

Consider three scenarios for the
partners Chris and Pat:

Every time Pat even hints at a want or

need, Chris is quick to fill it. In fact,
Chris often fills those needs before Pat
truly builds up a strong desire for them,
just to be nice and thoughtful—without
any concern for getting something in
return. Over time, Pat will come to like
Chris a lot—as a companion and friend.
But Pat may feel little desire for Chris
and perhaps not much motivation to
please in return. This is the so-called
"friend zone" in which desire has fizzled
out—all liking, no wanting.
Now, suppose Chris was instead
neglectful of Pat's needs. Left
unfulfilled, Pat's needs and wants would
become very strong. Pat would most
likely chase after Chris constantly,
doing whatever Chris wanted, simply to
get some satisfaction. Over time, Pat
would come to desire Chris a lot.
However, Pat might also feel a lot of
resentment toward Chris and perhaps
little motivation to stay in the
relationship. This is the relationship with
the "bad" boy or girl, or a neglectful
partner, that seems so passionate at
first, but ends on a sour note—all
wanting, no liking.

What Works

The answer for Chris and Pat is a

balance. Suppose Chris addressed
Pat's wants and needs in a reasonable
manner. Chris might be quick to
address important needs, while placing
secondary wants below other matters.
Chris might also make Pat wait at other
times and earn satisfaction in some way
that was mutually beneficial. Perhaps
Chris might even flirt and tease with
Pat a bit, putting Pat off for a minute,
then offering a surprise. Over time,
Chris would satisfy Pat enough to build
a great friendship. However, Pat would
also have to work for that satisfaction
and sometimes wait, keeping some
tension and desire as well. This is the
balanced relationship—both liking and
wanting.

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As we have seen, desiring and liking
are two distinct concepts and can often
be at odds. Building a friendship can
sometimes fizzle passion, while
sparking desire can sometimes lead to
resentment. Therefore, successful
relationships balance anticipation with
satisfaction—and wanting with liking.
Truly successful lovers find the middle
ground between too nice and neglectful.
As a result, their partners like them,
love them—and still chase after them,
too.
How to Escape the Friend
Zone
To escape the friend zone, you must
first realize that all relationships involve
negotiation—and you are attempting to
"re-negotiate" the current exchange.
Essentially, you want "more" from the
other person. Most likely, you are
already giving too much and what you
really want is for them to balance the
scales.

Fortunately, there are a few

principles that do indeed balance the
scales. Using those principles, we can
devise a few steps to get you out of the
friend zone:

1) Be Less Interested - The relationship

is already imbalanced because you
value it more than the other person.
Take a step back. Being "needy" is no
way to negotiate. Desperate people end
up with what others give them, not what
they want. So, be less interested and
ready to walk away if you don't get the
relationship you want. Those who are
more willing to walk away have the
power to guide the relationship (called
the "Least Interested Principle" - Waller
& Hill, 1951).

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2) Make Yourself Scarce - Spend some
time away from your "friend" and do
less for them. If they truly appreciate
you, then your absence will make them
miss you and want you more. This is
the principle of scarcity—where people
value something more when it is rare or
taken away from them (Cialdini, 2009).
When you are no longer around as
much or tending to their needs, they will
most likely feel the loss. This may
increase their desire for you and their
willingness to meet your needs back. If
it doesn't, then they are just "not that
into you." In that case, find another
"friend."

3) Create Some Competition - Go out

and make some other "friends" of
the sex you are attracted to. Broaden
your social network. Then, talk about
these new friends with the friend you
desire. Competition and a
little jealousy are another great way to
develop scarcity (Cialdini, 2009).
People value more what they think they
might lose. If you are busy with other
people, you might just find your friend a
bit more eager and motivated for your
time and attention. If you don't see any
jealousy though, then they might not
want to be "more than friends." In that
case, set your sights on someone new!

4) Get Them to Invest - Ask your friend

to do things for you. Contrary to
popular belief, people like you more
when they do favors for you, rather than
when you do the favor for them (for
more, see here). This is called the Ben
Franklin Effect (Jecker & Landry, 1969).
The more they invest in the relationship,
the more you will mean to them. So,
stop doing favors ... and start asking for
them. Get them to give you a ride, study
with you, fix something, etc.

5) Be Rewarding - Don't forget to be

grateful and reward your friend when
they behave as you desire. After they
are good to you, remember to be good
to them back. Always remember to
keep an environment of
mutual gratitude flowing, too (see here).

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Taking It From There

From those first steps, it is a matter of
changing the actual relationship, either
by asking the question directly or
indirectly. Perhaps you'd like to
indirectly ask them out on a real date
(see here)? Maybe you'd prefer the
direct approach (see here and here)?
Or, perhaps a conversation is more
your way (see here)? In any case, find
a way to either directly or indirectly ask
for what you want.

Conclusion
It is possible to dig out of an uneven,
"friend zone" exchange with a
little persuasion and influence. Just
remember to focus on your own worth,
don't be desperate, and be willing to
walk away. Allow some space for the
other person to miss you. Make some
friends outside of that friendship.
Finally, let that friend invest in you and
reward them for it. If they truly value
you in their life, then they will be much
more likely to take the relationship to
the next level. If they don't, you already
have some new friends, your self-
respect, and one foot out the door.
How To Turn A Friend
Into A Lover
by David Kwan | Dating Advice
I’m about to reveal to you some pretty advanced
knowledge – turning a woman friend into a lover
isn’t only rare, it’s also extremely difficult. Most
“unenlightened” men simply won’t be able to do
this. If you don’t know what you are doing you
could easily lose everything – even the
friendship.
But, if you can get good at turning friends into
lovers you will have an invaluable skill… you’ll be
able to go in “under the radar” so to speak by
befriending a woman before trying to “pick her
up.” Sure, the process is slower but for men who
aren’t in a hurry it’s great. I will actually do this so
that I can get an idea of a woman’s true nature
while we are “friends” before I begin to date her.
I use it as a screening process so that I don’t end
up with shallow, unscrupulous, or dumb women.
Here’s the difficulty …
The woman considers you a friend so, when you
start laying the moves on her, she is going to get
freaked out, resist your advances, and probably
avoid you for a while. So, the challenge is this…
getting her to like you before she knows that you
like her. It sounds a little like grade school when
you put it in those terms but that is the essence
of the solution.
But, the nature of friendships is one where you
just “let your hair down” and “be yourself.” You
are just supposed to relax and have a good
time… it’s a whole other world compared to
 dating where you are always supposed to be
putting your best foot forward.
And this is precisely where men run into trouble.
You cannot act like a friend with a woman and
expect her to become attracted to you. Instead,
you must begin acting like a lover (whether you
are one or not) before she can begin considering
you as a lover.
Makes sense, doesn’t it ?
Now, allow me to clarify, when I say you are
supposed to start acting like a lover I do not
mean to make advances on her and, above all, I
do not mean that you should start acting really
“nice” around her. What I’m saying is that you
should start to exude the qualities that women
are attracted to. The qualities that women look
for in lovers. The qualities that are outlined in
my book The DateSTACKER Program.
Avoid these typical friend behaviors:
1. NEVER allow her to talk to you about
other men she is interested in. Change the
subject, without being obvious about it, if this
ever happens. If she is talking to you about other
guys you have become the equivalent of a girl
friend – not good.
2. Don’t be available to her 24/7. Yes, a
friend is always there but, remember, you aren’t
trying to be a friend, your trying to be a lover. In
 order to be a lover she needs to like you – but
not like you as a friend.
3. Don’t “just hang out” and do boring stuff.
Women want excitement, they want
entertainment, they want to go out and have the
time of their lives. This is what women are
attracted to. Friends hang around the house and
watch movies, lovers go out and spend money
(just kidding, you don’t have to spend $$$ but
you do need to put some effort and planning
into the activities).
4. Don’t spill your guts. Best friends talk
about all the embarrassing, idiotic things they
have done. Lovers, on the other hand, highlight
their positive, admirable qualities and
experiences. No matter what she says, she WILL
look down on you for telling her about all the
CRAP you did in the past.
After a while, she should start to give off some
signals. Maybe she will look deep into your eyes
for longer than normal, maybe she will make
subtle hints (that you probably won’t notice
unless you are watching for them), or maybe she
will just come out and say she is interested in
you.
The funny (and magical) part about this process
is that, whether she realizes it at first or not, you
guys WILL be dating. When her friends and
family see you guys going out and having fun
together they will say things to her like “Are you
guys dating?” and “Are you interested in him?”
Regardless of her answer, the probing questions
of her friends will get her mind working in that
direction. The next time you guys go out (and
have a blast together) it will be in the back of her
mind. While she is having a great time with you
she will be thinking “Gee, maybe Jenny is right,
maybe I do like him… he sure is fun.”
And, that my friend, is how it is done.