10

In Searchof the Dreamer

-1
\
UgX , , ,a l r h e r o o r o r c ! e r \ t h r n g I . n t t h a t u h a r r o u f c l l o u s
aluars sa-,-? \\'ell, in nv caselou rnavbe right. I akea look at this. It'll
shos vou someiniercstingcoDnectjons betu,ecnml.migrainesand my
s e xl i f e . '
Drat ing a thickscrollfrom hisbriefcase, Nlarvinaskedrnc to holdone
end, and carefulll unrolleda three-footchart upon which wasmeticu,
louslyrecordedhis er en migrainehcadache andevervsexualexperience
of the past four months.One glancerevealedthe complexityof the
diagramE . v e r l n r i g r a i n ei,t s i n t c n s i t y d
, u r a t i o n ,a n d t r c a t m e n \t r , a s
codedin blue.Evcrvserualrush,coloredred,wasreducedto a fve-point
scaleaccordjnglo Marvin'sperfornrance: prematureejacuJati<_rns were
separatehcoded,as lvasimpotence-with a distinctionmadebetween
inabilitvto sustainan erectionand inabilityto haveone.
It wastoo nruch to absorbin a glance."That s an eiaboratepieceof
work,'' I said."lt must havetakenvou davs.'
"l
liked doing it. I m good at it. Peopleforget that we accountants
have graphicskillsthat are never used in tax work. Herc, look at the
month of Jul1,:four migrainesand eachone preccdedby either impo-
tenceor a grade,oneor -tuo sexuaiperformance.',
I watchedNlarvin's6nger point to thc blips of migraineand impo_

2)o
 In Searchof the Dreamer

tence,He was right: the correlationwasimpressive, but I wasgrowing

edgy.Mv timing had beenthrownofi. We had only just begunour first
session, and therewasmuch more I wantedto know beforeI wouldfeel
readyto examineNlarvin'schart,But he pressedit beforeme so force-
fullv that I had no optionother than to watchhis stubbvfingertraceout
the love leavingsof lastJulv.
Marvin at sixty-fourhadsuddenly,six monthsago,for the firsttime in
his life, developeddisabJing migraineheadaches. He had consulteda
neurologist,who had been unsuccessful in controllingMarvin'shead_
achesancithen referredhim to me.
I had seenMarvin for the firsttime only a few minutesearlierwhen I
went out to my waiting room to fetch him. He was sitting there pa-
tienlly-a short,chubby,bald man with a glisteningpate and owl eyes
which neverblinkedasthev peeredthroughoversized, gleamingchrome
spectacles.
I nas sool kr lcarn that Nlarrirrrrasparticularlvintcrestcdin spccta
cles.After shakingirands* ith rne, his llrst rrords,uiilc accornpanving
nre do*r thc hall kr rrv office,rvercto corrrplilrcntme on rrrr.framcs
and to askrrrcthcir nrakc l bclrerc I fcll from graccwlren I confesscd
igtrorance of the rnanufacturcrinanre;thrngsgrervevennrorc au.kward
uhel I rcnrored lrr glasscskr read thc brand narrc on tlre stenralrd
krrrndlhat, uithout nr glasscs,I coulclrrot rca<iit. lt did not lake nc
long to realizetlrat. sincc nrr other qiasses \\.crcnot!.rcstingat home,
there rlas no ual tlrat I could gilc \larvin tite trir.ial infonratiol hc
dcsired.so I hc]d oui rrrvspcctaclcs for hin b rcadthe labcl. Alas, he,
tcn. tas farsiglrtcd,and nrorc ofour 6rst lrinutcs togctlrert.as con_
sunredbr his switchingkr his readingglasics.
And now,a few mirruteslater,beforeI couldprocecdto interviewhim
in mv customarlway, I found myselfsurroundedby Marvin,smeticu_
lousred-arrd-blue-penciled chart.No, we werenot ofi to a goodstart.To
compoundthe problem,I hadjusthad a poignantbut exhausting session
with an elderly,distraughtwidow whosepursehad recent)ybeenstolen.
Partof my attentionwasstill with her, and I had to spur myselfto give
Marvin the attentionhe deserved.
Havingreceivedonly a briefconsultalionnote from the neurologist, I
knew practicallynothing about Marvin and beganthe hour, after we

2)r
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
completedthe openingeJeglass "What
ritual,bl,asking ails?"That *.as
when he volunteeredthat ),ou fellor.rs'think "sex is at the root of
"
everything.
I rolledup the chart,told l\,Iarrin I d like to stud,vit in detaillater.and
attemptedto restoresomerhvthmto the session bv askinghim to tell me
the whole storl of his illnessfrom the beginning.
He told me that aboutsix monthsago he, for the firsi time in his life,
begansufferingfrom headachcs. The symptornsrvcrcthoseof classical
migraine:a premonitoryvisualaura lfashing lights) and a unilateral
distributionof excruciatingpain which incapacitatcd him for hoursand
often necessitaled bcdrestin a darketedroom.
''And you
sa1 1ou havc good reasonto believe that r.our sexual
performancetouchesoS the nigraine?'
"You
may think it strange-for a man of ml age and position-bLrt
you cant dispulethe facts.There'sthe proofl He pointedto the scrol]
now restingquretJyon mv desk."Every migraureof the lastfour months
wasprecededwithin t\renty-fourhoursbv a sexualfailure."
Marvin spokein a deliberate,pedaltic manner.Obviousl',he had
rehearsed this materialbeforehand.
"For
the last vear I have been having violent mood swings.I pass
quicklyfrom feelinggoodto feelingthat it s the end of the world. Now
don't jump to conclusions."Here he shookhis 6ngerat me for grealer
"When
emphasis. I savI fee)good,I do nol meanI rn manic-l ve been
down that road with the neurologists who tried to treat rnc for manic-
depressive diseasewith iithium-didn't do a thing exceptscrewup my
kidnevs.I can see uhy docs get sued. Have you ever seena caseof
manic-depression startingat sixty-four?Do 1ou think I should have
gottenIithium?"
His questions jarredme. I hev rvcrcdistracting and I didn t know how
to answerthent. Was hc suing his neurologist?I didn't want to get
involvedwith that. Too many thingsto dealwith. I rrradcan appealto
efficienc,y.
"l'd
be glad to conc back to thesequestionslater.but we can make
best use of our time ioda,vif we first hear your whole clinical story,

"Right
vou arel Let's stayon track.So.asI wassaying,I flip backand

2j2
!
; In Searchof the Dreamer

forth from feeling good to feeling anxiousand depressed-bothto-

gether-and it is dlnaysin the depressed statesthatthe headaches occur.
I neverhad <-,ne till rix montht ago.
"And
the link betweensexand depression?"
"I
wasgettingto that-''
Careful,I thought.My impatienceis showing.[t's clearhe'sgoingto
tell it his wav, not mine. For Chrissakes stoppushinghim!
"Well-this
is the part vou'll find hard to believe-for thc lasttwelve
nronthsmy moodshavebeentotallycontrolledby sex.If I havegoodsex
with mv wife, the *,orld seemsbright. If not, bingo! Depressionand
headachesl''
"Tell
me aboutyour depressions. What are they like?"
''Like
an ordinarydeprcssion. I'm do*,n."
"Sav
somemore.''
"What's
io say?Everythinglooksblack."
"What
do vou think aboutin the depressions?"
"\othing.
Thatt the problem.Isn't thatwhatdepression is all about?"
"Sometimes
when people get depressed,certain thoughts circle
aroundin their mind."
"l
keepknockingmyseif."

"l
startto feelthat I wil] alwavsfail in sex,thatml life asa rnanis over.
Once the depression setsin, I am bound to havea rnigrainerlithin the
nexttwentv-fourhours.Othcr doctorshavetold me that I am in a vicious
circle.Let's see,ho*,doesit rvork?When ['m depressed I get impotent,
and then becauseI'm impotentI get more depressed. Yep, that'sit. But
knowingthai doesn'tstop it, doesn'tbreakthe viciouscircle."
"What "
d<.res brcakit?
"You'd
think, aftersix months,I'd knorvihe answer.I'm prettyob-
servant,a)t'a1shave been.That's what good accountants get paid for.
Bui I'm not sure.One day I havegood sex,and evervthing'sall right
again.Why that da,vand not anotherday?I haven'ta clue."
A n d s o t h e h o u r r v e n t . M a r v i n ' s c o m m e n t a r yw a s p r e c i s eb u i
stingv,slightll'abrasive, and lardedwith clich6s,qucstions, and the com-
mentsof other doctors.He remainedremarkablyclinical.Although he
 I
L O V E ' SE X E C U T ] O N E R
broughtup detailsofhis sexuallife,he expressed no embarrassment, self-
consciousness, or, for that matter,any deeperfeelings.
Ai one point I iried to get beneaththe forced',halefellow',heartiness.
"Marvin,
it must not be easyfor you to talk aboutintimateasDects of
y o u rl i f et o a r t r a n g e rY. o u r n e n t r o n erdo u h a dn e r e rt a l k c dt u a o s r c h i a -
trrstbefore.
"lt's
not a matter of things being intimate, it's more to do with
psychiatry-l don't believein psychiatrists.'
"You
don't believewe exist?"A stupidattemptat a feeblejoke,but
Marvin did not note my tonguein cheek.
"\o,
no, it's not that. It's that I don't have faith in them. Mv $.ife.
P h t l l r sd, o e . nt e i t h e r \. \ e r e k n o w nt u o L o u p l e w 5 i t h m a r i t apl r o b l e m s
$ ho sau prrchratrist<, anJ both endedup in the dir orcc court.you can t
blameme for being on guard,can ,vou?'
By the end ofthe hour, I uas not yet ableto makea recommendation
and scheduleda secondconsultationhour. We shookhands,and as he
left my ofice I becameawarethai I wasgladto seehim go. I wassorryI
h a d t o < e eh i m a g a i n .
I was irritatedwith Marvjn. But rvhy?Was it his superficialitv. his
n e e d l i n gh.i su a g g r n gh i \ 6 n g e ra r m e .h r s , , o uf e l l o u s r o n e l W a i r t h i s
innuendoesaboutsuinghis neurologist-andtrving to draw me into it?
Was it that he wasso controlling?He took over the hour: firstwith that
sillybusiness of the glasses. and then with his detcrminationto stickthat
chart in my handswhether I wantcd it or not. I ihought of tearing
that chart to shredsand enjovingeverl momentof il.
But so much irritation?So Marvin disruptedthe paceof the hour. So
what?He wasup front,he told me exactlvwhatrvastroublinghim asbest
he could.He hadrvorkedhardaccordingto his conceptionof psychiatry.
H i r c l s r l t * . a f t e ra l l . u : c f u l .I u o u j d h a v ub e e np l e a s e\dr r t h i t h a di l
beenmv idea.Perhapsit wasmoremy problemthan his?Had I grownso
r t o d g y s. o o l d l W a l I s o r r g r d r. n s u c ha r u t t h a l r f t h e 6 n t h o r r rd r d nt
proceedjust thc way l wishedit to, I grew crankyand stonped mv feet?
Driving home that eveningI thoughtmore abouthim, the two Mar_
vins-it{arvin the man, Marvin the idea. It was the ffesh-and-blood
Marvin uho wasirritatingand uninteresting. Bul Marvin thc proleclwas
iniriguing.Think of thatextraordinary story:for thc firsttime in hislife.a

2J4
 ln Searchof the Dreamer

stable,if prosaic,previouslyhealthysixty-four-,vear old man who has

been having sex with ihe same woman for forty-oneyearssuddenly
becomesexquisitelv sensitive
to his sexualperformance. His entirewell-
beingsoonbecomeshostageto sexualfunctioning.The event is severe
(his migrainesare exceptionallydisabling);it is unexpected(sexnever
presented anv unusualproblemsprcviousl,v): and it is sudden(it erupted
in full forcepreciselvsix monthsago1.
Six monthsagol Obviouslythere lay the kev and I beganthe second
session bv exploringthe eventsof six monthsago.What changesin his
life had occurredthen?
''Nothing
of signi6cance," Marvin said.
"lmpossible,'
I insisted,
and posedthe samequestionmauy different
wavs.I finallvlearnedthat sixmonthsagoMarvin hadmadethe decision
to retireand sellhis accountancy firm. The informationemergedslowlv,
not because he $'asunwillingto tell me aboutretirement,but because he
attachediittle importanceto the event.
I felt otherwise. The markersofone'slife stages area/wayssignificant,
and fervmarkersmore so than retirement.Holv is it pr_rssible for retire-
ment nol to ev<:kedeep feelingsabout the passage and passingof life,
aboutthe meaningand significance ofone'sentirelife project?For those
who look inrvard,retirementis a time of life revie*. of summingup, a
time of proliferatingawareness of finitudeand approaching death.
Not so for Marvin.
"Problems
aboui retiring?You've got to bc kidding.This is what I've
beenworkingfor-so I ccn retire."
"Will
vou find vourselfrnissinganythingaboutvour uork?"
''Onlv
the headaches. And I guessyou cansavI've founda wayto take
thern with mel The migraines,I mean." Marvin grinned,obvious)v
pleasedrvith himselffor havjngsturnbledupon a joke. "seriouslv,I've
been tired and bored with mv work for vears.What do vou think I'll
miss-the new tax forms?"
"Sometimes
retirementstirsup importantfeelingsbecauscit is such
an importantmilestonein Iife.It remindsus of life passages. You'vebeen
workingfor horr long? Fort,v-fivevears?And now you suddenll.stop,
you passon io a new stage.When I retire,I think it $ ill bring home to
me more clearh'thanI r'e ever known that life hasa beginningand an

2J5
 L O V E ' S E X E C L I T I O NE R

end, that I'r'e beenslowll passingfrorn one point to another,and that I

anr now approaching the end,"
''My
work is about monev. T'hat'sthe name of the game. What
retirementreallymeansis that I've madeso much monevI don't needto
make any more. What's the poinl of it? I can live on my interestverv
comfortably."
''But,
Marvin,whatwill it mednnot to workagain?All Iour life vou've
worked.You've gotten vour meaningout of working. I've a hunch
there'ssomethingscari aboutgiving it up."
"Who
needsit? Nou, some of nv associates are killing themselves
piling up enough money so they can live on their interest'sinterest.
That'swhat I cdl crazv-they shouldseea psvchiatrist."
Vorbeireden, yorbeireden: we talkedpasteacholher,pasteachother.
Again and aga:nI invited Marvit to look *ithin, to adopt,even for a
moment,a cosnic perspective, to identify the deeperconcernsof his
existcnce-hissenseof finitude,of agingand decline,his fearof death,
his sourceof life purpose.But we talkcdpasteachother.He ignoredme,
misunderstood me. He seemedpastedto the surfaceof things.
Wearl. of travelingalone on theselittle subterranean excursions,I
decidedto siay closerto \tarvin's concerns.We talkedabout work. I
learnedthat,rvhenhe wasveryyoung,hisparentsand someteachers had
considered him a math prodigv;at the age of eight,he had auditioned,
unsuccessful)y, 'Quiz
for the Kids" radioshou. But he neverlivedup to
that earlybilling.
I thought he sighed*hen he saidthis, and asked,"That must have
been a big wound for you. How well did it heal?"
He suggested that perhapsI wastoo young to appreciate how many
eight-vear-old bovsauditionedunsuccessfulll' 'Quiz
for thc Kids."
"Feelirgs
don't alwaysfollow rational rules. In fact, usually,they
"
don't.
"lf
I uould havegiven in to feelingseveryiime I rvashurt, I'd never
havegottenany\rhere."
"l
noticethat it is very hard for you to talk aborrtwounds."
"l
wasone of hundreds.It wasno big deal."
"l
notice,too. that whenever] trv to move closerto,vou,you let me
know vou don't nccd anvthing."

,6
 In Searchof the Dreamer
"l'm
h e r ef o r h e l p .I l l a n s w ear l l v o u r q u e s t i o n s . '
It rlas clcarthat a directappcalwould bc of no r.alue.lt w.asgoing
, to
t:lc \lanil a long tirrrc to sharchii r.ul:rerabilitv. I reheateJb iact
gathering.Nlarlin gret up in \es \'brk,the child ofimpovcrished
[rst_
gcncratiorrJcrrishparcnts.Hc majoredin natlrernaticsat
a small citv
colleqeand brieflvcorrsiclered gradrratcsclrool. But lrc uas jrlpaticntto
get rrrarried-lrc had datcdPhrllis sincchc $.asfifteen_and,
sincchc
had no firrancialresources, dcciclcdto becornea lrigh schooltcacher
After sixl earso[ teachingtrigonornetrv, ivlarvinfc]t stuck.He arrived
at the conclusionthatgettingrich u aswhat lifc u,asall about.The ideaof
thirtv-fivemore vearsoI sienderhigh-schoolteacherpaychecks wasun_
beaiable.He wascertainthe dccisionto teachschoolhad beena serious
mistakeand, at the age of thirty, set about rectifvingit. After a crash
accountancv course,he saidgoodblc to his sfudcntsand colleagues and
openedan accountingfirm, u,hichultimatelyprovedto be highlylucra-
tive. With trisc investments in Californiarea]estate,he had becomea
rlealthVman.
"That
bringsus up to now, \,larvirr.Where do vou go in life from
neler:
''Well,
as I said,there'sno point in accumulating any.nore money.I
hale no children'-here his voiceturncd grav-.,no poor relatives, no
desiresto grveit to good causes.
''You
soundedsadwhen 1ou talkedaboutnot har".rng children.',
"'l
hat'spasthistorv.I wasdisappointed then,but that wasa long iime
ago.thirt),-fivevearsago.I havea lot o[ plans.I rvantto travel.I want to
a d d t o m 1 c o l l e c t i o n s - m a v b ct h e l ' r e m y s u b s t i t u t e
for children_
stamps,politicalcampaignbutk)ns,old baseballuniforms,and Recder's
Digests."
Next, I exploredMarvin s relationship rvithhis wife which he insisted
wasextremelvharrronious.",Aficrforty-oneyearsI still feelmy wife is a
greatlady.I don't like bcingawayfrom her, evenfor one night. In fact,I
feel warm insidewhen I seeher at the end of the day. All my tension
disappears. Perhapsyou couJdsayihat shes my Valium.',
Accordingto Marvin, their sex life had been wonderful until six
monthsago:despiteforty-oneyears,it seemedto haveretainedlusterand
passion.When Marvin'speriodicimpotencebegan,phyllis had at firsi
 LOVE'S EXECU'f IONER

showngreatunderstanding and patiencebut, during the lastcoupleof

months, had become irritablc.Onlv a couple of weeksago, she had
grurnbledthat she rvastired of "being had"-that is, being sexually
arousedand then left unsatisfied.
N4arvingave much wcight to Phvllis'sfeelingsand wasdeeplytrou-
bled when he thoughthe had displeased her. He broodedfor daysafter
an episodeof rmpotenceand *,ascntirelvdependentupon her to regain
hisequiJibrium: somctimesshebroughthim aroundsimplybv reassuring
him that she still found him virile. but generallyhe requiredsome
phvsicalcomforting.She latheredhim in thc shower,she shavedhim,
she massaged him, she took his soft penis into her mouih and held it
t h e r eg e n t l l u n h l r t t h r o b b e dr n t ol i [ e .
I wasstruckin the secondintervierv,asin the first,by Marvin'slackof
wondermentat his oun storv.Where rvashis curiositythat his life had
changedso drarnaticallr, that his senseof direction,his happiness, even
his desireto live wasnorv entirclydictatedby whetherhe could sustain
tumescence in his penis?
It was time norl to make a recommendaiion to llarvin about treat-
ment. I did not think that he rvould be a good candidatefor a deep,
uncoveringtvpe o[ ps,vchoiherapy. There were severalreasons.I've
alwavsfound it difficult to treat someone*ith so littlc curiosity.Al,
thoughit is possibleto assistin the unfoldingof curiosity,the subtleand
length.v process wouldbe incompatible with \4arvin'swishfor a briefand
emcientt.eatment.As I thought back over the two hours, I was also
awarethat he had resisted evervone of iDy invitationsto dip deeperinto
his feelings.He didn't sccmto understand, rvetalkedpasteachother,he
had no interestin the inner meaningof events.IIe also resistedmy
atiemptsto engagehirn more personallv and directly:for exarnplc,when
I had askedhim aborrthis wound or pointedout that he ignoredany of
mt attemptsto get cl<-rser to him.
I *as aboutto offerny formalrecommendation thathe begina course
o[ behavioraltherap,v(an approachbasedon changingconcreteaspects
of behavior,especialiy maritalcommunicationand sexualattitudesand
practice)rvhen,almostasan afterthought, Marvin mentionedthathe had
had somedreamsdurrngthe *'eek.
I had inquiredaboutdreamsduringthe firstintcrview;and,like manv

23u
!

In Searchof the Dreamer

otherpatients,hc repliedthat,thoughhe dreamedeverynight, he could

not recallthe detailsof a singledream.I had suggested
he keepa writing
pad bv his bed to recorddreams.but he seemedso little inner,directel
that I doubtedhe would fcrllowthroughand I neglectedto inquireabout
them in the secondsession.
Now hc took out his notepadand beganto reada seriesof dreams:

Ph,-lliswas distrcught that she hadn't been goodto me. She left to
qcthome.But whenI fol[ouedher there.shewasgone.I wasafraid
I
wouldfind her deadin thrslarge castleon o hryh mountain.Next,
I
rrds trying to get into the window of a room where her bod,t mipht
be. I uos on a high nanow ledge.I couldnt go any
't as too narrow forther,bJ it
to turn around and go back. I was afraid thtt I,d
fall, and then I gre*, aftaid that I,d iump and commit suicide.

Phyllisand I wereundressingto makelctve.Wentworth.a bartner

ol mrne,u ho uetghstu o hundredfifly pounds,
wasin theroom. His
mother wosoutside.We had to blnldfold him so we could continue.
When I went outside,I didn't knowwhat to sayto his mother obout
why we hlindfolded him.

There was d gypsl cdmp forming right in the

front lobby of mv
ofice. All ot them uere frlthy dirtv- thei hands.then ctothes;.
the
bagsthey werecarrying. I heard.the men whisperingand conspiring
in a menacingway. I wonderedwhy the authoritieswould
oermit
themto camp out in the open.

The ground under my housewasliquefying. I had a giant

auger
and knewthat I v'ould have to drill down sixty_five
feet to sdrelhe
house.I hit a layer of solid rock,and the vibrutionswoke
me up.

Remarkable drearnslWhere hadthey comefrom?Could Marvin have

possiblydreamedthem?I )ookedup, half expectingto seesomeoneelse
sittingacrossfrom me. But he wasstill there,patientlyawaiting
my next
question,his eyesblankbehind his gieamingspectacles.
We had only a few minutesleft. I askedMarvin whetherhe had
anv
 -t

associations
L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
to anv aspectof thesedreams.He merelvshrugged.Thev
werea mysteryto him. I hadaskedfor dreams,and he hadgiventhem to
me. That wasthe end of it.
I
i
The dreanrsnotwithstanding, I proceededto recommenda courseof
marital therapy,perhapseight to twelve sessions. I suggestedseveral
options:to seethe two of them myself;to referthem to someoneelse;or
to refcr Phvllisto a femalctherapistfor a coupleof sessions and then for
the four of us-Phyllis, Marvin,I. andher therapist-to meetin coniojnt
sessions.
N'larvinlistenedattentivelyto what I said,but his facialexpression was
so frozen thai I had no hint of what he felt. When I askedfor his
'l'll
reaction,he becamestrangelyformalandsaid, take1.oursuggestions
under consideration and let you know ny decision."
Was he disappointed? Did he feel rejected?I couldn't be sure. It
seemedto me at the time that I had made the right recommendation.
Marvin'sdys[unctionwasacuteand would respond,I th<.rught, to a brief
cognitivc-behavioral approach.Furthermore, I was convinced would
he
not profitfrom individualtherapy.Everythingweighedagainstit: he was
"psychologi
too resistant; in thc tradelanguage,he hadsimplytoo little
cal mindedness."
Nonetheless, it was rvith regretthat I passedup the opporhrnityo[
workingin depthwith himi the dynamicsof his situationfascinated me. I
wascertainthat ml first impression had beencloseto the rnark:that his
impendingretiremcnthad stokedup much fundamentalanxietyabout
finitude,aging,and death,and that he wasattemptingto copewith this
anxietythrough sexualmastery.So much was riding on the sexualact
that it wasovertaxedand, ultimatell',overwhelmed.
I believedthat Marvin wasentirelywrong when he saidthatsexwasat
the root of his problems;far from it, sexwasjustan ineffectivemeansof
trying to drain off surgesof anxiet,vspringing from more fundamental
sources. Sometimes, asFreud6rstshowedus,sexuallyinspiredanxietyis
expressed throughother deviousmeans.Perhapsjust asoften the oppo-
site is true: other anxiety mosquerddesas sexudl dnxiety. The dream
aboutthe giantaugercouldnot havebeenmore clear:the groundunder
Marvin's feet was liquefying(an inspiredvisualimage for groundless-

2to
 In Searchof the Drcamer

ness),and he was trying to combat that bv dril)ing, with his penis,

sixt)-fivefeet (that is, sixtv 6ve vears)dot.nl
The other dreamsgaveevidenceof a savageworld beneathMarvil,s
placid.exterior-a u,orld seethingwith death, murcJer,suicidc,
anger
to*'ard Phyllis,fearsof diriv and menacingphantomserupting from
within. The blindioldedman in thc foom r\.hcrehe and phylliswere
to
make love uas particularlvintriguing.When invcstigating scxualprob-
icms it is alllavs inportant io ask, Are there more than iwo people
presentduring lovemaking? The prcsenceof others_phantomsof par_
ents,rivals,other iovers-vasth complicates the sexualact.
No, behavioral therapvwasthe bestchoice.It wasbestto keepthe lid
ofthis underrvorld sealed. The more I thoughtaboutit, the rnurepleas.d
I was that I had restrainedrn\, curiosityand had acted selflessly
and
systematicallv in the bestinterestsof the patient.
But rationalitvand precisionin psychotherapl, are rarell.rewarcled.
_ A
few davslater,lvlarvincailedand askcdfor anotherappointment.I
had
expectedthat Phlllis rvotrldaccompanlhim, but he arrivedalone,look_
ing anxiousand haggard.\o opening ceremoniesthot dar,.He
came
right to the point.
''This
is a bad dav. I feel miserable.But 6rst. I w.antto say that I
appreciate your recommendation lastweek.To be honest,I,d expected
you to advlseme to come to seevou ihree or four tinresa week
for the
next threeor four years.I'd been warnedthat vou psychiatrists
did that
regardless of the problem.Not that I blameI.ou_after all, vou guvsare
runninga business and gottaearn a living.
"Your
adviceaboutcouplestherapvmadesenseto me. phvllisand I
d o h a v e : o m e< o m l r u n i c a l r opnr o b l e n r :m
. o r e r h a n I r e a l l rf o l d
)ou
aboutlastweek.Actually,I understated the caseto 1.ou.I've had some
difficulties with sex-not asbad as nou.-which causedme to flip back
andforth in mv rnoodsfor hvcntvvears.So I decidcdto takeyour.duj"",
but Phvliisrvill not cooperate.She flat out refusesto see a shrink,
a
marriagetherapist,a sextherapist-anyone.I askedher to come
in one
time toda.vto talk to 1ou, but shehasdrrgin hcr heeJs."
"How
come?"
"l
il get to that but, first,there are tu,o other thingsI want to cover

24r
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
today." Marvin stopped.At first I thought it was to catch his breath: he
had been racingthroughhis sentences. But he wascomposinghimself.
He turnedaway,blew his nose,and wiped his eyessurreptitiously.
"l'm
Then he continued. way down. I had my worst migraineever
this weekand had to go to the emergencyroom night beforelastfor an
inlection."
"l
thoughtyou lookeddrawntoday."
"The
headaches are killing me. But to make thingsworse,I'm not
sleeping.Last night I had a nightmarewhich woke me up abouttwo in
the morning,and I keptreplayingit aJInight long. I stillcan'tget it out of
my mind."
''Let's
go over it."
Marvin startedto readthe drearnin sucha mechanicalmannerthat I
stoppedhim and employedthe old Fritz Perlsdeviceof askinghim to
beginagainand to describethe dreamin the presenttense,asthoughhe
were experiencing it right now. Marvin put asidehis notepadand from
memoryrecited:

The two men ote tall, pale,and verygaunt. ln a dark meddowthey

glide along in silence.They are dressedentircly in black. With toll
black stovepipehats, long-tailed coats,black spotsand shoes,they
resembleYictorian undertakersor temberdnceworkers.Suddenlv
they come upon o carriage,ebony black, cradling a baby girl swad-
dled in blockgauze. Wordlessly,one of the men beginsto push the
carriage.After a short distancehe stops,walksaround lo the ftont,
and, with his black cane, which now has a glowing white tip, he
Ieansover, parts the gouze, and methodically insertsthe white tip
into the baby'swgrna.

I was transfixedby the dream. The stark imagestook form immedi-

ately in my own mind. I looked up in amazementat Marvin, who
seemedunmovedand unappreciative of the powerof his own creation,
and the notion occurredto me ihat thiswasnot, couldnot be,his dream.
A dreamlike that could not havesprungfrom fiim: he was merelythe
mediumthroughwhoselips it wasexpressed. Horv could I, I wondered,
meetthe dreamer?
 In Seorchof the Dreamer

Indeed,Marvin reinforcedthat whimsicaln<.rtion. He had no senseof

famiiiaritl.uiththe drearnand relatedto it asthoughit were somealien
text. He still experiencedfear as he rccited it, and shookhis head
as
thoughhe were trving to get the dreams bad tasteout of his mouth.
I focusedon the anxiety."Whv wasthe dreama nightmare?preciselv
what part of it wasfrightening?'
"As
I think aboutit now,thc lastthing-putting lhe canein the bab,v,s
vagina-is the horriblepart.Y et not whenI vas ltaing thedream,It was
evervthingelse,the silent footsteps,the biackness, the senseof deep
foreboding.The rvholedreamwassoakedin fear."
"What
feelingwastherein the dreamaboLrtihe insertionof the cane
into the babv'svagina?"
"lf
anything,that part seernedalmostsoothing,as thorrghit quieted
the dream-or, rather,it iried to. It didn't realh do it. None of thismakes
anv senseto me. I'le neverbelievedin dreams."
I !rantedto lingerwith the drcambut had to returnto the needsofthe
moment.The factthat Phvlliswasun* illing to taikto me, evenonce.to
help her husband,uho u,asnow in extremis, belicd\.tarvin'saccounlof
his idvilic, harmoniousrrarriage.I had to proceedu.ith delicacvhere
b e c a r r r e o I h r s f e awrh r c hP h r l l r ,o b r r o u , l vs h a r c r lt h a tt h e r a p i . rr.n o o p
out and fan marital problems,but I had to be certain that she u,as
inexorablyopposedto coupJestherapt..l,ast ,,vcekI had w.onderedi[
Marvin hadn'tfelt rejectedbv me. Perhapsthis wasa ploy to manipulate
me lnto seeing hirr in individual therapv. Horv much of an effort
had Marvin reallymade to persuadephvllis to participatelriih him in
treatment?
Ntarvinassuredme thai she\!as verv serln ncr !\a\s.
''l
told vou she doesn'tbelievein psychiatry., but it goesiar bevond
that.She *on't seecny doctor.she'snot had a GyN exam in lifteen
years.It's alJ I can do to get her into the dentistwhen she,sgot
a
toothache."
Suddenh,rvhcnI askedfor other examplesof phvllisbeingsetin her
! \ a \ ' 5\.o m e u n c x p e c t etdh r n g rc a m ep o u f l n go r r t .
"Well,
I might as well tell vou the truth. No senseof spendinggood
moneyand sittinghereand lving to vou. phvllishasher problems.The

24J
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O E
T 'R'
rnainthing is that that shes afraidof going out of the house.That hasa
name.I've forgottenit."
''Agoraphobia?"
"Yeah,
that'sit. She'shad it for yearsand vears.She rareh leavesthe
housefor anv reasonunless'-Ivlarvin's voice grew hushedand con-
spiratorial-'it's to escapeanotherfear."
'
What other fear?''
''The
fear of peoplcvisitingthc housel"
He wenton to explainthatthevhadnot entertained guestsat homelor
years-indeed,for decades. If thc situationdcmande d it-for example,if
familvnrembersvisitedfronr out of tou n-Phvllis rvasrviJlingto enter-
tain them in a restaurant:An inexpensivc rcstaurant,sincePhyllishates
to spendmonev. lvloncyrvasanotherreason,Marvin added,that she
opposedpsvchotherapv.
N{oreover,Ph'llis did not permit \'larvin to entertainat home either.
A coupleof weeksago,for erample,someout-of-townguestscal)edto
askif thel couJdview his collectionof p<.rlitical buitons.He saidhe didn't
bother to ask Phlllis: he kne* shed raisehell. If he tried to fofce the
"a ''got
issue,it *ould be, he said, month c,f Sundals" beforehe laid
again."Consequcnth,ashc had done manv timesbefore,he spentthe
betterpart of a da.vpackingup his who)ecollectionto exhibitit in his
office.
This new informationmade it eren morc clcar that N4arvinand
Ph,vllisrerv much neededmaritaltherapv.But there was a new twist
no*. Marvirts first drearnshad so teemed*ith primitive iconography
that, the weekbefore,I had fearedindividualtherapvrnightbreakthe
sealof this scethingunconscious and thoughtmaritaitherapvwould be
safer.Norr', however,rvith ihis evidcnccof severepathologvin their
relationship,I *ondered whether couplestherapvmight also unleash
demons.
I reiteratedto Marvin that, all thingsconsidered,I still believedthe
treatmentof choice to be behaviorallyorientedcouplestherapy.But
couplestherapyrequiresa cotrple,and if Phvlliswasnot,vet willing to
come in (ashe immediatelyreaffirmed), I told him I would be willing to
seehim in a trial of individualtherapy.
"But
be forewarned,individualtreatnrentwill most likell' require
 In Searchof lhe Drcomer

many months,even a vear or longer,and it gill noi be a rosegarden.

Painfulthoughtsor menroricsma! emergewhich u ili temporarilvmake
vou more uncomfortabie thal 1ou are right now.
N4arvinstatedthat he hod thoughtabout it during the lastfew davs,
and * ishedto begin immediatel_r'. We arrangedto meet t*,ice weekly.
It wasapparentthatboth he and I had rescrvations. Man in continued
to be skepticalaboutthe psvchotherapeutic enterpriseand showedlittle
interestin an inner journer'.Hc agreedio therapvonll becausethe
migrainehadbroughthim to his kneesand he had nou.hereeiseto turn.
l, for nry part, had reservations becauseI rvas so pessimisticabout
treatment:I agreedto rvork tilh him becauseI sau no othcr viable
therapvoption.
But I could have reflrred hirn to someoneelse.Thcre *as another
reason-thatvoice,the voiceof thatbeingrvhohad creatcdthoseaston-
ishingdreams.Buriedsomeu.here tithin \larvin's rvallsu.asa dreamer
tappingout an urgentexistentialmessage. I driftedback irto the land-
scapeo[the drcam,backinto the silent,darkuorld ofthe gauntmen, the
blackmeado*,,and the black-gauzed babv girl. I thoughtofthc incan,
descenitip of the caneand the scxualact that \.\as noi sexbut merelva
f u t r l ea t t e m prt o d r s p e,lh e d r e a d .
I rvondered, If disguiscwere unnecessarv, if the dreamercould speak
to me without guile,what might he sar?

"l
am old. I am at the end ofnv lifc'swork.I haveno children,and
I approachdeath full of dread.I am choking on darkness.I am
chokingon the srlenceof death.I think I kno* a wav.I tr).to pierce
thc blackness uith mv sexualtaiisman.But it is not enough."

But thesewere mv reffections, not N.larvin's.

I askedhim to associate
to the dream,to think aboutit, and to savanythingthat came to mind.
Nothingcame.He mercl.vshookhis head.
"You
shakevour head no almostinstantaneouslv. Try again.Give
yourse)f a chance.Take anv partof the dreamand let vour mind wander
with it."
\othing whatsoever.
"What
do you makeof the white-tippedcane?'

,45
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
"l
N'larvinsmirked. uas wonderingrvhenvou'd get aroundto thatl
l
I
Didn't I sayearlierthat vou fellowsseesexat the root of everrthing?"
His accusation seemedparticularllironic because,iI there were one
convictionI had about him, it *'as that sex was nof the sourceof his
difficultv.
"But
it's your dream,Marvin. And vour cane.You createdit, what do
you make of it? And what do vou make of the allrrsionsto death-
undertakers,silence,blackness,the uhole atmosphereof dread and
foreboding?''
Givcn thc choice of discussing thc dream from the pcrspcctiveof
deathor of sex,Marvin, with dispatch,chosethe latter.
"Well,
vou might be interestedin somethingsexualthat happened
yesterday afternoon-that would be ab<-rut tcn hoursbeforethe dream.I
rvasll ing in bedstillreco\eringfron n]- migraine.Phvlliscarneoverand
gaveme a headand neckmassage. Sheiben kepton goingand urassaged
ml back,then mv legs,and then mr penis.She undressed me and then
took off all her clothes.''
This must have been an unusualeventr Nlarvin had told me he
initiatedsex almostall of the time. I suspected that Phylliswantedto
expiateher guilt for refusingto seea couplestherapist.
"At
first,I rvouldnt respond.'
"How
come?"
''To
tell ,"outhe trrrth,I wasscared.I !\'asjust gettingover mv worst
migraine,and I uas afraidI'd fail and get anothermigraine.But Phyllis
startedsuckingmy cockand got mc hard.I'vc neverseenher so persis-
'Let's
tent. I finall,vsaid, go, a goodlay might be jusi the thing to get rid
"
of someof this tension.' N{arvinpaused.
"Why
do vou stop?"
"l'm
trying to think of her exactwords.An1ua1, rve startedmaking
love. I was doing prettv well, but just as I ttas gettingreadvto come,
Phyllissaid, There are other reasonsfor makinglove than to get rid of
t e n s i o n . ' W e l lt ,h a td i d i t l I l o s ti t i n a s e c o n d . "
"Marvin,
did vou telJPhlllis exactlyhow you felt abouther timing?"
"Her
timing is not good-never hasbeen.But I wastoo riled up to
talk.Afraidof what I'd say.If I saythe wrong thing,shecan makemy life
hell-turn off the sexualspigotaltogether."

240
 In Searchof the Dreamer
"What
sortof thing might you say?"
"l
m afraido[ my impulses-mv murderousand sexualimpulses."
"What
do you mean?"
"Do
you remember.yearsago,a newsstoryof a man who killed his
wife by pouring acid on her? Honible thing! yet I've often thought
aboutthatcrime. I can rrnderstand how fury towarda womancouldlead
to a crime like that."
ChristlNlarvin'sunconscious wascioserto the surfacethan I thought.
RememberingI hadn'twantedto takethe lid ofl suchprimitivefeelings
-at leastnot this earlvin treatment-l s$itchedfron murder
to sex.
"Marvin,
you said you're frightenedalso bv your sexualimpulses.
What do you mean?"
"My
sexdrive hasalwavsbeentoo strong.I ve beentold that,strue of
many bald uren.A sign of too much male hormone.ls that true?',
I didn't wantto encourage the distraction.I shruggedoff the question.
"Keep ''
going.
"Well,
l've hadto keepit underrein all my life becausephyllishasgot
strongideasabout how much sex we will have. And it's alwaysthc
same-two timesa week,someexceptionsf<_rr birthdaysand hoJidays.,'
"You've
got somefeelingsaboutthat?"
"Sometimes.
Bui sometirnesI think restraints
aregood.Without them
I might run wild."
That wasa cu.iouscomment."Whal does running wild'mean?Do
you meanextramarital affairs?"
My questionshockedl\{an,in."l've neverbeenunfaithfulto phyllis!
Neverwill bel''
"Well,
what do you meanbv'running wild'?"
Marvin lookedstumped.I had a sensche wastalkingaboutthingshe
hadneverdiscussed before.I wascxcitedfor him. It hadbeenone hell of
an hout'swork. I wantedhim to continue,and I just waited.
"l
don't lnow what I mean,but at timesI've wonderedwhat it would
havebeen like to have marrieda woman with a sex drive like mine, a
womanwho waniedand enjoyedsexas much as mc."
"What
do you think?Your life would havebeenvery different?',
"Let
me backup a minute. I shouldn'thaveusedthe wordenfoya few
minutesago.Phyllisenjovssex.It's just that sheneversecmsto pdnl it,
 I
L O V E ' SE XE C U T I O N
ER
lnstead,she . . . what'sthe word? . . . dispenses it-if I'm good.These
are the timeswhen I feel cheatedand angry."
Marvin paused.He loosenedhiscollar,rubbedhis neck,and rolledhis
headaround.He wasgettingrid o[ tension,but I imagincdhim to be
Jookingaroundthe room, as though to assurehimselfno one elsewas
listening.
"You
look uncomfortablc. What are -voufeeling?"
"Disloyal.
[ , i k e I s h o u l d n ' 1h a v e b e e n s a l i n g t h e s et h i n g sa b o u t
Phyllis.Almostlike she'llfind oui aboutit."
"You
give her a lot of power.Sooncror laterwe're goingto needto
6nd out all aboutthat.
\larrin continuc'dkr bc rcfrcshinglvopel durirg thc first seleral
\\ eeksofilrcrap\:.\ll in all. be djd fru bcttcrthan I hadexpectcd.I Ic $as
cooperati\€llrc rclinqrrishedhis pugnaciousskcpticismaboutpsrclria-
tn; he did his honrcuork. came preparedfor thc sessions. and uirs
deterrrrincd.as he put it, to get a gtxrclreturn on his invcstrncnt IIis
confidenceil tlrerapv*as boostedbv al uncxpectcdearlvdiiidcnd: his
nrigraincsmvsterroushalrrosl disappcared as soon ls irc startcdtreat-
nrcntlalthoughlris intcnscser,spaurrcd rrroods*ings continrredl.
During thisearlyphaseof therap), we concentrated on two issues: his
marriageand (to a lesserextent,becauseof his resistance) the implica-
tionsof his retirement.But I wascarefulto treada fine line. I felt like a
surgeonpreparingthe operativefieldbut avoidingany deepdissection. I
wanted llarvin to explorctheseissues,but not too searchingly-not
enoughto destabilize the precariousmaritaiequilibriumhe and Phyllis
had established (andthusdrivehim immediatelyout of therapy)and not
enough to evoke any further death anxietv (and thus ignite further
mlgraLnes).
At the sametime aswasI conductingthis gcntle,somewhatconcrete
therapywith Marvin, I wasalsoengagedin a fascinating discourse with
the dreamer,thatvastlyenlightenedhomunculushoused-or, one might
sav,jailed-bv Marvin, who waseitherignorantof the dreamer'sexis-
tence or allor.r,ed him to communicatewith me in a spirit of benign
indifference.While Man in and I strolledand casuallyconversedon
superficial levels,the dreamerdrummedout a constantstreamof mes-
eoc. f.^- rhc rlcnrh<

246
 In Searchof the Dreamer

Perhapsmy discourse with the dreamerwascounterproductive, per-

hapsI waswilling to permit Marvin a slowerpacebecauseof my en-
counterwith the dreamer.I rememberbeginningeveryhour not with
excitementabout seeingMarvin, but with anticipationabout my next
communiqu6from the dreamer.
Sometimesthe dreams,like the first ones,were frighteningexpres-
sionsof ontologicalanxiety;sometimesthcv foreshadowed things to
comein therapy;sometimes they werelikesubtitlesto therapv,providing
a vivid translationof Marvin'scautiousstatements to me.
After the first few sessions,I beganto receivehopeful messages:

The teacherin a boarding scAoolwcs looking around for children

who wereinterestedin painting on a largeblank canyas.Later I was
telling a small, pudgy boy-obviously myself-obout it, and he got
so excitedhe beganto cry.

No mistakingthat message:

"Marvin
senseshe's being offeredan opportunityby someone-
undoubtedlvyou, his therapist-to startall over again_How excit-
ing-to be givenanotherchance,to painthis life all overagainon a
blankcanvas."

Other hopefuldreamsfollorved:

I am at a wedding, and d \,t)omancomesup dnd says sheis my

long-forgottendaughter.I'm surpised becauseI d.idn't knowI had
a daughter.She'smiddle-aged. and dressedin rich btown colorc.We
had only o coupleof hoursto talk. I askedher about the conditions
of her life, but she couldn't talk about that. I was sony when the
Ieft, but we agreedto correspond,

The message:

''Marvin,
for the first time, discovers
his daughter-the feminine,
softer,sensitive
sideof himsell He's fascinated.
The possibilities
are
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
Iimitless.He considersestablishing
ongoingcommunication.Per-
I
hapshe can colonizethe newfoundisletsof himself."

Anotherdream;

I lookout the vindowarul heara commotionin the shrubbery.ltis

d cat chasinga mouse.I feel sorryfor the mouseand go outsideto it.
What I find are two baby kittens who hare not yet openedtheir
eyes.I run to tell Phyllis about it becauseshe't so fon<1of kittens.

The message:

"Marvin
understands, he reallyunderstands,thathiseyeshavebeen
closed,and that he is finall,vpreparingto open them. He is excited
for Phvllis,rvho is alsoaboutto open her eyes.Bul be cdreful,he
suspecttlou of playinqa cat-end-mouse game."

Soon I receivedmore warnings:

Phyllis and I are hatin4 dinnet in o rumshacklerestaurant. The

semiceis very poor. The waiter is neyer tlrcre when you want him.
Phyllis tells him he is dirty and poorll-dressed.I am surprisedthat
the food is so good.

The message:

"He
is buildingLrpa caseagainstyou. Phvllisrvantsyou out of their
lives.You are highl,vthreateningto both of them. Be careful.Do
not get caughtin a crossfire.No matterhou,goodyour [ood,you
are no match for a l,oman."

And then a dreamprovidingspeci6cgrievances:

I'm watchinga heart transplant. The surgeonts lying down. Some-

one is accusinghim of being involved only in the tansplantation
processand being uninterestedin all the messycircumstancesof

250
 In Searchof the Dreamer

how he got the heart from the donor. The surgeon admits that was
true. There was an operdting room nursewho said shedidn,t have
this ptivilege-she had to witnessthe whole mess.

The message:

"The
hearttransplant
is,ofcourse,psvchotherapy. IHatsoffto you,
tny dear drearnerfriend! ''Heart transplalt"-rvhat an inspired
visualsymbol for pslchotherapvllMarvin feels you,re cold and
uninvolvedand that you've taken iittle personalinterestin his
Iife-in how he got io be the personhe is todav.,'

The dreamerwas advisingme how to proceed.Never have I had a

supervisor like this.I uas sofascinatedby the dreamerthat I beganto lose
sightof his motivation.Was he actingas Marvin'sagentto help me to
help Marvin? Was he hoping that if Marvin changed,then he, the
dreamer,would gain his releasethrough integrationwith N4arvin?Or
washe chieflv acting to alleviatehis own isolationby taking painsto
preserve the relationship he had with me?
But regardlcss of his motivation,his advicewas sagacious. He was
righi:I wasnot trulv engagedwith NlarvinlWe stayedon sucha formal
levelthat our useof 6rst namesseemedungainll,.lllarvin took himself
very seriously:he was practicallymv only patientrvith whom I could
neverjokeor banter.I tried often io focuson our relationship, brrtaside
fiom somebarbsin the 6rstcouplcof sessions (r.:[the you fellowsthink
sexis at the root of everything''genre),he made no referenceto me
whatsoever. He treatedrne with much respectand deference and gener-
allvresponded to rny inquiriesabouthis feelingstowardme with state-
mentsto the e$ectthat I mustknow uhat I'm doing sincehe continued
to remainfrce of migraines.
By the tirne six monthshad gone bv, I caredsomewhaimore about
Marvin,yet still had no deepfondnessfor him. This wasverv strange
sinceI adoredthe dreamer:I adoredhis courageand his scorching
honesty. From time to time, I had to prod myselfto remembe r that the
dreamerwcs Marvin, that the dreamerprovidedan opcn channelto

25r
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
Marvin'scentralnucleus-that u'horlof the selfwhich possesses absolute
wisdomand self,knowledge.
'Ihe
dreamerwascorrectthat I hadnot pJungedinto the messydetails
of the origin of the heartto be transplanted: I hadbeenfar too inattentive
to the experiences and patternso[ \,larvin'searly)ife. Consequently, I
devotedthe foJlowingtwo sessions to a detailedexaminationof his
childhood.One of the nost intcrestingthingsI learnedwasthat,when
Marvin rvassevenor eight,a cataclvsmic secreteventshattered his family
and resultedin his nother banishinghis lather perrrranentllfrom her
bedroom.Though the natureofthe evcDt\!asneverrevealed to Marvir:,
he norvbelieves, on the basisof a few straycornments by his mother,that
his fatherhad eitherbeen unfaithfulor a compulsire gambler.
After his father'sexile. it fell upon N{ar\in, the voungeslson, to
becomehis mother'sconstantcompanion:it s,ashis job to escorther io
all her socialfunctions.For yearshe enduredhis friends'jibesabout
datinghis mother.
Needless to sar, Ntanin's nervfarnih assignment did noi increasehis
popularitv\rith his fathcr,rvho becamea thin presencein the family,
then a mere shadorv, and soonevaporated forever.Two yearslater,his
older brotherreceiveda postcardfrom their falhersavinghe wasalive
and well and uas surc the familv*as betteroff without hirrr.
C)bviously, the foundationiuasin placefor majoroedipalproblernsin
Marvin s relationswith women. His relationshiprviih his mother had
beenexclusive, overlvintimaie,proiongedin its closeness and haddisas-
trousconsequences for his relationship *'iih men; indeed.hc imagined
he had, in somesubstanlial *ar', contributedto his father'sdisappear-
ance.It wasnot surprising, then, to learnthat Nlarvinhadbccn warvof
competitionuith men and inordinalelvshyofuomen. His firstreaJdate,
with Phvliis.uas his lastfirstdate:Phr'llisand he kept stead_,- company
until their marriage.Shewassix vearslounger, equal)1sh1.andequallv
inerperienccd u ith the oppositesex
Theseanamnestic sessions $ere, to my mind, reasonably produciive.I
grew acquaintedwith the charactcrs ,,r'hopeop)edMarvin'smind, and
identified(and sharedwith him) certainimportantrepetitivelife pat-
ternsrfor example,the uar he had re-created partofhis parents'pattern

252
 In Seorchof the Dreamer

in his own marriage-his wife, like his father'swife, wieldedcontrolby

cultingoff sexualfavors.
As this materialunfolded,it was possibleto understandMarvin s
cur|eni problcnrsfrom each of three verv differentperspectives: the
existential(with a focuson the anxiet,v
ontological that had been evoked
bl.passinga major life lnilestone);lhe F'rcudian(uiih an emphasison
oedrpal anxictywhich resultedin the serualactbeingweldedto primrtive
catasirophic anxiet));and lhe communicatictnal (rvith an emphasison
horvthe maritaldvnamicequilibriumhad been Lrnsettled bv recentlife
evenis.More aboutthis was to emergeshortllJ.
NIarvin,asahvays. uorkedhard to producethe necessarlinformation,
but, though his dreamshad requestedit, he soon lost intereslin past
originsof current life paiterns.He commentedonce that thesedusty
eventsbelongedto anotherage,almostanoihercentur!. He alsowist-
fully noted that \\'e were discussinga drama in which evervcharacter,
savehimself,wasdead.
The dreanrersoon gave me a seriesof messages about Marvin's
reactionto our historicalforavs:

I sawa car with a curiousshape,[ikea large,Iongboxon \rheels.It

wasblackand patent-leather shrny.i wasslruc.{by thefoct that the
only windowswete tn the back and werewrt askew-so that you
couldnot really lookthroughthem.

There was anotherrehicle with problemsvith the rear-vision

mirror. lt had rear \ritdows with a kind of filter that slid up and
down but tt wassluc&.

I was gi'ring a lectute with greal succr.s$,

Then I started having
troublewith theslide proiector.First,l couldn'tgeta slideout of the
prciectotto put in dnother.It wasa slideof a man'shead.Then I
'fhen people's
couldn't focusthe slide. heodskepl getting in the way
of thescreen. I mowd all overthe auditoriumto get an unobstructed
view,but I couldneverseethe who[eslide.

25)
 -T

The message
I,OVE'S EXECUTION ER

I believedthe dreameru,asscndingme:
II
i
''l 'l
trv to look backbut ntv visionfails. hereare no rcar windows.
'I
hereis no rearvisionmirror.A slidewith a headin it obstructs the
'l
view. he past, the true storv, the chronicleof real events,is
unrecoverable.I he head in the slide-my head, ml, vision,mv
memor\'-gets in the way. I seethe pastonly filteredthroughthe
eyesof the present-not as I knew and experienced it at the time,
but as I experienceit now. Historicalrecallis a futile exercisein
gettingthe headsout o[ the u ar .
''\ot
onlv is the pastlost forever,but the future,too, is sealed.
The patent-Jeather car, the box, rny cofin, hasno front windows
either."

Graduallv.with relativelvlittle promptingfrom me, Marvin beganto

wade into decperwaters.Perhapshe overheardscrapsof my discorrrse
with the dreamer.His firstassociatron to the car,the curiousblackbox on
wheels,wasto sa), It is not a cofEn." Noticrngmv raisedeyebrows, he
'Was
smiledand said. it one of )'ou fellou'swho saidvou give vourself
awavby protestingtoo nuch?''
"The
car has no front windoqs. Ntanin. Think aborrtthat. What
comesto vou?"
"l
don't knou. Without front rrindo*s you don't know rvherevorr're
heading."
''llon
uorrld that applvto you, to rvhatvou re facingaheadof you in
,vourlife no* 7"
''Retirement.
I'm a little slor.r,,
but I'm bcginningto get it. But I don't
worrv about retirerncnt.Why don't I feel an'"lhing?"
"The
feelingis there.It seepsinto )our dreams.N,laybe it's too painful
to feel. Maybe the pain getsshort-circuited and put onto other things.
Look how oftenvou'vesaid. Whv shouldI get so upsctaboutmy sexua)
performance?It doesn'tmake sense.'One of our main jobs is to sort
thingsout and restorethe feclingsto wherethev belong."
Soonhe reporteda seriesof dreams*,ith explicitmater,alaboutaging

254
 In Searchof the Drcamer

and death.For example.he dreamedof walksin a large,unfinished,

undergroundconcretebuilding.
One dream,in particu)ar,
affectedhim:

I saw.Susan lennings.Shev,osworktngin a bo<tkstore. Shelooked

depressed,and I vent up to het to offer my sytnpathl.l told her I
knewothers,sixothers,who felt the sameway.Shelookedup at me,
and her facewasa hideousmucous-filled skull.I wokeup extremely
frightened.

Marvin workeduell w,iththis dream.

"Susan
Jennings? SLrsan Jennings?I knew her forly-fiveyearsago in
'
college.I don't think I've thoughtof her once till now.
"Think '
abouther no*. What comesto rnind?
"l
can seeher face-round, pudg1,largeglasses.''
''Remind
y<.ru o[ anlone?
''No,
but I know u,hat1ou'd sav-that she lookslike me: the round
faceand ovcrsizedspectaclcs."
"What
aboutthe six others?"
"Oh,
there'ssomethingthere, all right. YesterdayI rvastalking to
Phyllisaboutail our fiiends* ho havedied and alsoabouta newspaper
articleaboutpeoplewho die immediateivafterreiirenrent.I told her that
I had readan alumni bulletinand notedthat six personsin my college
classhavedied. That must be the'six olherswho felt ihe sameway'in
'
ihc dream.Fascinatingl
''There's
a lot of fearof deaththere,Marvin-in thisdreamand in ail
the other nightmares.Evervone'safraid <-rfdeath. I've never known
an1'one who wasn't.But mostpeoplework on it over and over through-
out the years.With you it seemsto have explodedall at once. I feel
: t r o n g l lt h a ti t r t h e t h o u g h u
t [ f c t r r e m e nt th a ts r g n i t c Jr t . '
Marvin mentionedthat the strongest dreamoI all wasthat firstdream,
six monthsago,o[ the lwo gaunt men, the white cane,and the baby.
'fhose
irnageskept driftingbackinto his mind-especiallythe imageoI
the gauntVictorianundertakeror temperance worker.Perhaps,he said,

255
 I
L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
that wasa symbolfor him: he had beentemperate,too temperate.He'd
known for a coupleof yearsthat he had deadenedhimse]fall his life.
N{arvinwasbeginningto astonishme. He was venturinginto such
depthsthat I could scarcelybelieveI was talkingto the sameperson.
When I askedhirn what had happeneda coupleof yearsago, he de-
scribedan episodehe had neversharedbefore,not evenwith Phyllis.As
he wasfipping through a copy of Psyciology Todoy in a dentist'soffice,
he wasintriguedby an articlesuggesting that one attcmptto constructa
final,meaningfulconversation with eachof the importantvanishedpeo-
ple in one'slife.
One davwhen he wasalone,he triedit. He imaginedteJlinghis father
how much hc had missedhim and how much he would haveliked to
haveknown him. His fatherdidn't answer.He imaginedsavinghis final
goodbveto his moiher,sittingacrossfrom him in her familiarbentwood
rocker.He saidthe words,but no feelingscamewith them.He grittedhis
teethand triedto forcefeelingsout. But nothingcame.He concentrated
on the meaningof never-lhat he would neyer,nsyerseeher again.He
remembered banginghis fisi on his desk,forcing himselfto remember
the chill of his mother'sforeheadwhen he kissedhcr asshe lay in her
casket.But nothing came, He shoutedaloud, "l will neyer see you
againl" StilJ,nothing.That waswhen he learnedthat he had deadened
himself.
He criedin my officethat day.He cried for all that he had missed,for
al) the yearsof deadness in his life. How sadit was,he said,that he had
rvaiteduntil now to tr,vto come alive.For the first time I felt verv closeto
Marvin. I claspedhis shoulderas he sobbed.
At the end of this session,I wasexhausted and very moved.I thought
we had finally broken through the impenetrablebarrier:that finally
Marvin and the dreamerhad fusedand spokenrvith one voice.
Marvin felt betterafter ou. session and wasbighlyoptimisticuntil, a
few dayslater,a curiouseventoccurred.He and Phvlliswere iust com-
mencingsexualintercourse "Maybe
whenhe suddenlysaid, the doctoris
right, maybeaiJ my sexualanxietyis realll anxietvabout deathl" No
soonerhad he finishedthis sentence, than-whoooosh!-he had a sud-
den, pleasureless prematureeiaculation. Phylliswasunderstandably irri-
tatedby his selectionof topicsfor sexualsmalltalk.Marvin immediatelv

256
<
In Searchof the Dreomer

beganto beratehimselffor his insensitivityto her and for his sexual

failure and toppled into a profound depression.Soon I receivedan
urgent,alarmedmessage from the dreamer:

I had been bringing new furniture into the house, but then I
couldn't closethe front door. Someonehad ploceda devicethere to
keep the doctropen. Then I sdwten or twelvepeople rNithluggage
outside the dctor.They wete evil, awful people,especidllyone
toothlessold cronewhoseface remindedme of Susanlennings. She
also reminrledme of Modame Defarge in lfre mol,ieA Tale of Two
Cities-ffie one who knitted at the guil[cttite as headswere lopped
off.

The message;

"Nlarvin
is verv frightened.Hc hasbecorneawareof too rnuch,too
fast.He knowsnow that deathis waitingfor him. He hasopened
the door of arvareness; but non he fearsthat too much hascome
out, that the door is jammed,that he u ill neverbe ableto closeit
"
again.

Frighteningdreamswith similarmessages
foliowedrapid)y:

It vas night, I was perchedhigh on the balconyof a building.I

heard o smallchild crying helctwin the darkness,calling for help. I
told hin I would comebecauseI was the only one who coul<lhelp,
but as I statteddovtn into the darkness,the stoiruell grew moreand
morenorrolt and the flimsybaniter cameoff in my hands.I was
afraid to go farther.

The message:

"There
arevitalpartsof me that I haveburiedall my life-the little
part.I know that I
boy,the wornan,the artist,the meaning-seekirrg
deadenedmyself and have left much of mv life unlived. But I
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
cannotdescendnorv into theserealms.I cannotcopewith the fear
and the regret."

And vet anotherdream:

I am takingan examination.Ihand in my blue bookand remember

that I haven'tansweredthe last question.I penic.I try to get the
book back, but it is pdst the deadline.I make an appointment to
meelmv sonafter thv dealline.

The message:

"l
realizenow that I havenot donewhat I night havedonewith my
life. The courseand the exam is over. I rvouldhavelikcd to have
done it differentlv.That last questionon the exan, what was it?
Maybe if I had takena differentturn, to havedonesomethingelse,
to havebecomesorncthingelse-not a high schoolteacher,not a
rich accountant.But it is io<-rlate, too lale to changeany of my
'l-he
answers. tirnehasrun out. If onl1,I had a son,I might through
him spewmvselfinio the future pastthe deathline.'

Later,the sarnenight:

I am climbing a mountain trail. I seesomepeople trying t<trebuild a

houseat night. I knowthat it can't be done,and I try to tell them
but theycan't hearme.Thet I hearsomeone callirg my namefrom
behind. It is my mother trying to orertake me. Shesaid she has a
message for me.lt is that someone is dying.I knowthatit is me who
is dying. I \rake uf) in a swedt.

The messagc:

''lt
is too late.It is not possibleto rebuildyour houseat night-to
changethe coursevou havcset,just as,vouare preparingto enter
the seaof dcath.I am now nrv mothcr'sage when she died. I am

258
 In Searchof the Drcamer

overtakingher and realizethat deathis inevitable.I cannotalterthe

futurebecauseI am being overtakenbv the past."

Thesemessages from the dreamerdrummedlouderand louder.I had

to heedthem. Thev forcedme to takemv bearingsand to reviewwhat
had been happeningin therap,v.
Nlarvinhadmovedfast,too fastperhaps. At firsthe *'asa man without
insight:he corrldnot, would not, directhis sightinrvard.In the relatively
short period ol six months, he had made enormoLrsdiscoveries. He
learnedihat his eves,like thoseo[ a neu'bornkitten, had been closed.
H e l e a r n e dt h a t d e e p i n s i d et h e r e i s a r i c h t e e m i n gu , o r l dw h i c h ,
if confr<.rnted, brings tcrribJefear but a]so offersredemptionthrough
illumination.
The surfaceappearance of thingsno )ongercornpelledhim: he was
lesscaptivateed bv his collections of starnpsand the Reoder'sDrgesl.His
eles open no\{ io the existential factsof life, he wasgrapplingwith the
inevitabilitvof deathand nith his porverlessness to savehimself.
Nlarvin awakcnedmore quickh than I had expected;perhapshe
listened,afterall, to the vt.ricc
ofhis ou,ndrcamer.At firsthe uas eagerto
see,but soon enthusiasmga\e wa! to a po*erfirl senseof regret.He
grievedfor his pastand his impendinglosses. Most of all, he grievedfor
the rast emptv spaccsof his life: the unusedpotentialrvithin him. the
childrcnhe had nocr had. the fatherhe had neverknou,n,the house
that had neverbrimmed*ith familv and friends,a life $ork that might
have containedmore significance ihan the accumulationof too much
monev.Finallv,he gricvcdfor himself,for the imprisoneddreamer,for
the little bov crling for he)p in the darkness.
Hc knes he had not lived the life he reall.vwanted.Perhapsit could
stillbe donc.Perhapstherewasstill time to paint his life aneu on a Jarge
blankcanvas.Hc beganto t\rist the knobsof secretdoors,to whisperto
an unkno$n daughter,to *'onder wherevanishedfathersgo.
But he had overstcppcd himself.He venturedfartherthan his supply
linescould reach,and now wasassailed from all sides:the paslwasduskv
and irretrievable; the future,blocked.It wastoo late:his househadbeen

259

-,/
 LOVE'S EXECT]TIONER

built, hisfinai examination turnedin. He had flung open the sluicegates

of au'arencss, only to be inundated\!ith deaihanxiet,v.
Sometimesdeath anxictv is dismissedas trivial in its univcrsality.
Who. afterall, doesnot kno* and fcardeath?Yei it is one thing to know
aboutdeathin gcneral,to grit one'steethand stokcup a shudderor two;
it is quiie anotherto apprehendone s o\r'ndeathand to cxperienceit in
the bonesand socketsof one'sberng.SLrchdeathawareness is a terror
that comesrarel\',sometimesonll once or t!,,icein a lifetime-a ter-
ror that \'larvin norvexperienced night after night.
Againstthis dread,he lackedeventhe mostcommon defenses: child-
less,he couldnot be comfortedb,vthe illusionof immortalgerm cells;he
hadno sustaining religiousbelief-neither of a consciousness preserving
afterlifenor of an omnipresent, protectivepersonaldcitv;nor did he have
the satisfaction of knorvingthat he had realizedhimself in life. (As a
generalrule, the iessone's senscof life fulfillment,ihe greateronc's
deathanxietr'. ) Worst of all, Marvin could foreseeno end to his anxiety.
The dreamirnage*'asgraphic:the demonshad escapcd the room of his
mind and *ere in full. rnenacingview. He could neitherescapenor
reincarcerate thcm bl cJosingthe jammeddoor.
So l\,larvinand I had reacheda crucialpoint, a junctureto rrhich full
a\!areness inevitablrleads.Ii is thc time ',vhenone standsbeforethe
ablssand dccrdeshoq to facethe pitilessexistcntialfactsof life: death,
isolation,groundlessncss, and meaninglessness- Of coursc,there are no
solutions.One hasa choiceonly ofcertain siances: 'resoiute,"
to be or
''engaged.'
or corrrageoush defiant,or stoicalhaccepting,or io relin-
quishraiionalitvand, in arveand ml stery,placeonc s trustin the provi-
dcnceof the Di,,ine.
I didn t know ivhat\'larvin w,oulddo, nor did I knon how elseto help.
I rememberlooking for*ard to each sessionwith more than a little
curiosit) about thc choicesthai he would rnake.What rvould it be?
Would he flee his own discoverr ? \tr/ouldhe find a way,once more,to
pu)l the comforterof self-deception over his head?Would he ultinrately
embracea religioussolution?Or rrould he find strengthand shelterin
one of the Lebensphiiosophical solutions?Never have I felt so keenly
the dualroleof the therapistasparticipant-observer. AlthoughI wasnow
errotionallvengagedand careddeeph about what would happento

26o
 ln Searchof the Dreomer

Marvin, at the sametime, I remainedawarethat I was in a privileged

positionto studythe embryologvof belief.
Though N{arvinconiinuedto fecl anxiousand dePressed, he garnell
continuedto work in therapy.V,v respectfor him grer.r.I had thought
that he would have terminatedtherapvlong before.What kept hirr
coming?
Severalthings,he said.Frrst,he wasstill migraine-free. Second,he
remembered warningto him, the firsttinreue met, that therewere
m-,',
going to be tirnesin therapywhen he would feel rvorse;he trustedmy
word thathis currentanxietywasa stagein therap;-and wouldultimately
pass.Furthermore,he waspersuaded that somcthingsigni6cantmustbc
happcningin therapv:he'd learnedmore abouthimselfin the pastfive
monthsthan in his previousstxtyfour vearsl
And somelhingelseiotal)yunexpectedhad happened His relation-
shipto Phvllishad begunto undergoa pcrceptibleshift
"We'r'e
becn lalking more frequentll and nore honestlvthan ever
before.I m not surewhen it started.When vou and I firstbeganto mcet,
we hada brief flurrv of talking.But that *'asa falsealarm.I think Phvllis
wasonl,vtryrngto persuade me thatu'ecouldtalkwithouthavingto seea
therapist.
"But
over the lastfew uccks,it's beendifferent.lVe arc real/ytalking
now. I've been tellingPhvlliswhat you and I talk aboutevervhour. ln
fact,shewaitsat the door for me to returnhome from thc sessions and
getsannoyedif I delav-for example,if I suggestwe wait until dinner
becauseit givesus such intercstingtableconversation."
"What
typesof thingssecmmost importantto her?"
"Almost
everything.I told vou Phyl)isdoesn'tlikc to spendmoney-
shelovcssales.We ve beenjokingthatwe'vc gotiena two-[or-theprice-
of-onetherapl bargain.''
"That's '
the kind of bargainI'm gladto give.
"l
think the thing that meantthe most to Phylliswaswhen I told her
aboutour discussions aboutmv work,abouthow disappointed I am with
myselffor not havingdone more with m,vabi]ities,for havingdevoted
myselfonly to money,for ncver lravingconsideredwhat I might have
givento the world. That hit her very hard.She saidthat, if it were true

26r
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
for me, it uas true in spadesfor her-that she had Jeda tota)lyse)f
centeredlife, that she'snevergiven anythingof herself."
"She's
giren vou a grcatdeal."
"l
remindedher of that.At firstsheihankcdme for sayingit. but later,
aftcr thinking about it more, she said shes not so sure-maybe she,s
helpednre, but she saidthat in some u.al.sshe mav have stoodin m1.
\\ a)

''She
rrentioneda]l the things I talkedto you about:the q,avshc,s
barredothersfrom our home;the wayshe'sdiscouraged nre from making
friendswho might havewantedto visitour home;the way she,srefirsed
to lraveland discourages me fronr traveling-did I ever tell vou about
lhat?\lost ofall, sheregretsher childlessness and her refrrsalmanyvears
agoto seea fertilitvdoctor.'
"N,larvin.
I m amazed.This openness, this honesty.lHow areyou two
dorngii?'fhcse are tough thingsto talk about,reallytough."
He uent on t<.r savthat Phvllishad paid a price for her insights_she
hadbccomeverv agitated.One night he couldn'tsieepand heardsome
thisperingfrom her room. (Thev sleptin separate bedroomsbecauseof
hrssnoring.)He tiptoedin and sawPhvlliskneelingbv her bed,praving,
chantingthe same phraseover and over: "The mother of God will
protectne. The motherof God *ill protectme. 'fhe motherof God will
protectrne. The motherof Cod u ill protectme."
Nlarvinrvasverv affectedbl this scenethoughit washard for him to
put it into words.I think he wasovercomcwith pitv_pitv for phl.llis,for
hirnself,for all srnall,he)pless
pe<.,ple.
I think he realizedthai her chant-
ing thatphrasewasa magicalincantation, a waferthin proiectionagainst
the terriblethingswe all haveto face.
He finallvgot backto sJeepand laterthat night had a dream:

There vas a statueof a femalegod on a pedestalin a largecrowded

room. It [ookedlike Christ but waswearinga flowing orangepastel
dress.On the other sideof the room there wasan actresswith a long
white dress.The actressand the statuetrodedplaces.Somehctwthey
traded dresses,and the statuegot down and the actressclimbed up
on the pedestal.

262
 ln Seorchof the Dreamer

Marvin saidhe finallyunderstooda dream:the dreammeantthat he

had turnedwomen into goddessesand thet!believedhe would be safeif
he couid appeasethem. That waswhy he had alwaysdreadedPhyllis's
anger,and that was why, when he was anxious,she could offer such
reliefby soothinghim sexually.
"Especiallv
oral sex-l think I told you that when I'm in panic,she
takesmy penisin her mouth and my bad feelingsiust melt away.Ii's not
sex-you've been savingthat all along,and now I know you'reright-
my peniscanbe completelysoft.lt's iustthat sheacceptsnr€ totallyand
takesme into her. It's like I've becomea part o[ her."
"You She can healyou
do granther Inagicalpowers-like a goddess.
w i t h j u s ta s m i l c ,a n c r n b r a c eo.r b f t a k i n gl o t t t n s t d eh e r . \ o w o n d e r
you takegreatpainsnot to displease her. But the problemis that sex is
turned into somethingmedicinal-no, that's not strongenough-sex
becomesa life or deathproposition, and your survivaldependson merg-
ing with this woman.No wondersexhasbeen difficult.It shouldbe a
loving,joyful act, not protectionfrom danger.With that view of sex,
an,vone-certainlyincludingme-w<.ruldhaveproblemswith potency."
\'larvin took oLrthis notepadand urote down a few lines.I hadbeen
irritatedweeksagowhen he frrststartedtakingnotcs,but he madesuch
good useof therapl thai I had learnedto respectany of his mnemonic
atds.
"Let's
seeif I havethisright.Your theoryis thatwhat I callsexis often
not sex-at leastnot goodscx-but insteadis a way of protectingmyself
againstfear,especially fearoI agingand dcath.And tlhen I'm impotent,
it is not becauseI fail sexuallyasa man but becauseI'm askingsexto do
thingsthat sexcan't do."
"Exactlv.
And there'sa lot of evidencefor this.There'sthe dreamof
the two gaunl undertakers and the white-tippedcane.There'sthe dream
of the liquefyingground under vour housewhich you try to cure by
drillingwith your giant auger.There'sthe feelingyou just described
of
beingsoothedby a physicalconnectionwith Phylliswhich masquerades
assexbut isn't,asyou noted,sexat all."
"So First,I'm askingsexto do somethingbeyond
therearetwo issues.
its power, Second,I'm giving almostsupernatural power to Phyllisto
healme or Drotectme."
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
''And
then everythingfell apartwhen you overheardher plaintive,
repetitivechant.'
"That
*'as when I realizedhow frail sheis-not phyllisin particular,
but o// wonen. No, not just women, but everybody.What I'r,e been
doing wasexactlvwhat Phvlliswasdoing-depending on magic.',
''So,vou
dependon her powerfor protection,and she.in turn, pleads
for protectionbv a magicalchant-look where that leavcsvou.
'There
r s o m e l h r negl s ct h a tr i m p o r l . r n C
t . o n s i d etrh r n g sn o w f r o m
Phyllis'sside:if shc,in her love for vou, acceptsthe role of goddessthat
you assignher, think of what that role doesto her own possibilities for
gro!\th.In orderto stayon her pedcstal, shewasneverableto talkto vou
aboutficr parnand ier lcars-or not until vert recenll\.
"Slow
downl Let me get this down. I'm going to haveto explainall
this to Phvllis.'Marvin wasscribblingawayfuriousiynow.
"So
in a senseshewasfolJowingyour unspokenwishesby not openly
expressing her uncertainties, by pretendingto be strongerthanshefelt.I
havea hunch that'sone o[ the reasons shewouldn't come into therapy
when we started-in other words,shepickedup your wish that shenol
change.I als<.r havea hunch that if ,vouaskher now, shemight c<_rme.''
"God,
we are reallyon the same*,avelengthnorv.Phyllisand I have
alreadydiscussed it, and she is readyto talk to you."
And that washow Phvllisenteredtherapy.She arrivedwith Marvin
for the next hour-a handsome,gracefulwoman who, bl,shecr will,
overcameher timidity and in our three-waysession becameboldlyself-
revealing.
Our conjectrrres aboutPhyllishad been closeto the mark:sheoften
had to swallowher own feelingsof inadequacyin order not to agitate
N1arvin. And, ofcourse,shehadto be particuladvsolicitous when he was
in distress-n4richmeant,recertly,that she had to be solicitousalrnost
all the time.
But her behaviorwasnot entirelyreactiveto Nlarvin'sproblems.She
was alsostrugglingwith many personalissues,particularlyher painful
sensitivitv abouther lackof edrrcationand her beliefthat shewasintel_
lectuallvinferiorto most people,especiallv Marvin. One of the reasons
shedreaded, and avoided,socialeventswasthat someonemight askher,
"What
do vou do?" Sheavoidedlengthyconversations becauseit might
264
 In Searchof the Dreamer

b e c o m e e v i d e n tt h a t s h e h a d n e v e r a t t e n d e dc o l l e g e .W h e n e v e r
she comparedherseifwith othets,she invariablyconcludedthat they
were better informed and more clever,sociallyadept,self-confident,and
interesting.
"Perhaps," "the
I suggested, only areawhereyou canmainiainpower
is sex. That's one place where Marvin needsyou and can wield n<.r
controlover ),ou."
Phyllisresponded hesitantlyat first,and then the rvordsbeganto pour
"l
out of her. guessI hadio havesomelhingthat Marvin wanted.In most
other wayshe is very self-sufficient.Often I feel I don't have much else
to offer.I wasn'tableto havechildren,I'm afraidof people,I've never
workedoutsidethe home,I haveno talentsor skills."Shepaused,wiped
"See, '
her eyesand saidto Marvin, I ccn cry if I put my mind to it.
"Marvin's
Sheturnedbackto me. told you that he tellsme aboutthe
thingsthe two of you havebeen discussing. I've been in therapyonce
removed.Someof the topics shook me up, they applymore to me than
to him."
"For
example?''
"For
example,regret.That ideareallyhit home.I havea lot of regret
aboutwhat I've done with my life or, better,what I haven'tdone."
My heartwent out to Phyllisal thai moment,and I desperately wanted
"lf past,
to saysomethinghelpful. we stare too hard into the it's easy to be
overcomewith regret.But now the importantthing is to turn towardthe
future.We've got to think aboutchange.What must not occur is that
five yearsfrom now you look backwith regretover the way you'velived
thesecomingfive years."
"l
Phyllisresponded aftera shortpause, startedto saythat I'm too old
to do thingsdifferently.I felt that way for thirty years.Thirty years!My
wholelife'sgoneby feelingit wastoo late.But rvatchingMarvin change
overthe lastseveralweekshasbeen impressive. You may not realizeit,
but the mere fact that I'm here today,in a psychiatrist's o{Fce,talking
aboutm.vselfis in ihelf a big, big, step."
I rememberthinkinghow fortunateit wasthat Marvin'schangehad
spurredPhyllisto change.Often therapydoesn'twork that way.In fact,
not uncommonlytherapyplacesstrainon a marriager iIa patientchanges
and the spousestayslocked in the sameposition,then the dynamic
20<
 L O V E ' S E X E C U T I O ) . IRE
equilibriumof the marriageoftendisintegrates. The patienthaseitherto
forego growth or to grow and jeopardizethe union. I was very grateful
that Phvllx demonstrated so much fexibility.
The lastthing we discussed wasthe timing o[ Nlarvin'ssvmptoms.I
had satisfied mysclfthat the svn.rbolic meaningof retirement-the exis-
tentialanxietyunderlyingthis importantlife markcr-was srrfficientex-
planationfor the onsetof his symptoms.But Phvllissuppliedadditional
"Why
explanations for now?"
"l'm
sureyou know what 1,ou'retalkingaboutand that Marvin nust
be more upsetthan he knowsat the idea of retiring.But, frankiy,I'm
dislurbedat the idea of his retirement-and when I get upset,upset
about anvihing, Marvin gets upset. That's the way our reiationship
works.II I wo.ry,evenif I keepit completelysilent,he senses it and gets
upset.Sometimeshe gets so upset,he takesmv upsetness away from
me.
Phvllissaidall this *ith such facilitvthat I forgot for a momentthe
greatstrainshewasunder.Earlicrshehadbeenglancingat Nlarvinevery
coup)eofsentences. I wasnt certainuhethcr it lr'asto obtainhis support
or to reassure herselfthat he could tolerateuhat shehad to sav.But nor.v
she was engrossed rn her own uords. holding her bodv and her head
absolutely still asshetalked.
"What
aboutI\{arvin'sretirementdisiurbsyou?"
"Well,
for one ihing, he fcclsretirementmeanstravel.I don't know
how much he hastold vou aboutme and traveling.I m not proud of it,
but I'n having a lot of trouble leavingthc house,let alone traveling
halfwayaround the world. Also, I'm not )ookingforuard to Nlarvin's
'taking
over'the horrse.For the lastforty vearshe's rrrn ihe olfice and
I',"erun the house.Now, I knorvthat it s his house,too. It s his house
mainly,you could say-his monel boughtit. But it's verv upsettingto
hear him talk about rernodelingrooms so he can displayhis various
collections. For example,right norvhc'strying to get someoneto build a
new glassdining-roomtable which will displayhis politicalcampaign
buttons.I don't want to eat on top of po)iticalbuttons.I just fear we're
headingtowardtrouble.And-" She stopped.
''You
were going to saysomethingelse,Phyliis?"
''Well,
this is the hardestthing to sav.I feelasharned. l'rn afraidthat
2.]()
 In Searchof the Drcamer

when Marvin beginsstavinghome,he wiil seehow little I do eachday

and loserespectfor me-"
Marvin simplvtook her haod.[t seemedthe right thing to do. In fact,
throughoutthe sessionhe remaineddccply empathic.No distracting
questions,no jocularclich6s,no strugglingto stayon thc surface.He
reassured Phyllisthat travelwasimportantto him, but not so important
that he couldn'twait until shervasready.He told her explicitlythat the
mostimportantthing in the world to him wastheir relationshrp, and that
he had neverfelt closerto her.
I met with Phyllisand Marvin asa couplefor severalmore sessions. I
reinforcedtheirnew, moreopenmodeof communicationand instructed
them in some fundamentalsof sexualfunctioning:how Phyllis could
help Marvin sustainhis erection;ho\4shecould help him avoidprema,
ture ejaculation; how Marvin couldapproachsexlessmechanically; and
how he could,if he losthis erection,bring Phvllisto orgasmmanuallyor
orall;-.
She had been houseboundfor ycarsand now rarelyventuredforth
alone.It seemedto me that the time rvasripe to interruptthat pattern.I
believedthat the meaning,or at lcastone meaning,of her agoraphobia
was now obsoleteand couid be influencedby paradox.I Srstobtained
Vlan'in'sagreement to help Phyllisovercomeher phobiabv promisingto
follow any suggestions I gavehim. I then instructedhim to sa1,toher,
punctuallveverytwo hours,phoningher if he wereat work,thesewords
precisely:"Phyllis, pleasedon't leavethe house.I need to Lnow vou
are there at all times to take care of me and prcvcDtme from being
frightened."
Phlllis'seles widened.N{arvinlookedat me incredrrlously. Could I
possiblybc serious?
I told him that I knew it soundcdcrazy,bul persuaded bim to follow
mv instructions faithfully.
T'heyboth twitteredthe firstfew timesMarvin told Phyllisnot tt.rleave
the house;it seemedridiculousand artificia);shehad not left the house
in months,But soon irritationrepiacedthe twitter.N'larvinwasirritated
with me for making him promiseto keep repeatingthe same stupid
statement.Phvllis,even though she knew N4arvinwas following mv
instructions,gre$ irritatcdwith him for orderingher to stavat home.
 L O V E ' SE X E C U l - I O TN, R
After a fe*'daysshewent to the libraryalone,then shopping,and in the
next fe*,weeksventuredfartherthan shehad for years.
I rarelvemplovsrrchmanipulativeapproaches in therapl;usuallythe
price is tocrhigh-one musi sacrificethe genuineness of the thcrapeutic
encounter.But paradoxcan be effectivein those instances where the
therapeutic foundationis soiidand the prescribed behaviorexplodesthe
meaningof the sl mptom.In this case,Phyllis'sagoraphobia wasnot fier
synrptombut ffrelrs,vmptom, and it servedto maintainthe maritalequi-
librium: Phvlliswaseternallrthere for Marvin; he could venhrreforth
into the world,providcfor theirsecuritv,I'et feelsecurein the knoniedge
that shewasalrvaystherewaitingfor him.
Thereu,asa certainirony in mv useof this intervention:an existential
approachanda manipulative paradox<,rrdinarill makebizarrebedfellows.
Yet here the sequenceseemednatural.Marvin had appliedto his rela,
tionshipwith Phvlhsthe insightshe had obtainedfrom a confrontation
with the deep sourcesof hrs despair.Despitethe discouragement (de-
pictedin his dreamsbl suchsvmbolsasbeing unabJeto rebuilda house
at night),he had nonctheless proceeded upon a radicalreconstruction of
his relationship to his u,ife.Both Nlarvinand Phvliisnow caredso much
for the other'sgronth and beingthatthey-couldgenuinelycollaborate in
the processof u renchinga sl mptom from its socket.
\larvin's ch:rngeinitialedan adaptivespiral:liberatedfrom a restrict-
ing role,Phlllis underu'entenormouschangcin the spaceofa few weeks
and continuedand solidi6edthai improvernentin individualtherapl
with anothertherapistover the next vear.
Marvin and I met onll a fe* moretimes.Pleased rvithhrsprogress, he
hadrealized,ashe put it, a goodvieldon his in\ est[rent.Thc migraines,
his reasonfor seekingtherapv.had ncver returned.Though his nrood
swingsstill<.rccurrcd iand uere stilldependenton sex),theirintcnsityhad
diminishedconsiderabJl. \'lan,in estimatcdthat the mood swings*'ere
now approximatelv the sameas thel had been for the previoustwentl'
years.
I, too, felt saiisfiedwith our rvork.There is alua,vsmore that can be
done, but overallwe had accomplishedlar more than I could have
a n t i c i p a t ead t o u r i n i t i a l s e s s i o nT. h e f a c t t h a t M a r v i n s a n g u i s h e d
dreamshad stoppedwas also reassuring. Though I had receivedno

268
 In Searchof the Dreamer

messages from the dreamerfor the lastseveralwceks,I had not missed

them.N'larvinand the dreamerhad fused,and I spoketo them now asto
a sLngl€ person.
I next saw \lan,in one vear later: I al*avs schcdulepaiientsfor a
one-yearfollow Lrpsession-bothfor theirbenefitand for my own edifi-
cation.I alsomakeii a practiceto plavfor the patienta taperecordingof
part of our initial scssion.Marvin listenedto ten minutesof our iniiial
interviewrvith greatinterest,sniled at me, and said,"Who is that jerk,
anrrvay?"
\'larvin s quip hasa seriousside.Havinghcardthe samereactionfrom
man! patients,I hare come to regardit as a valid marl.erof change.
''lm
Marvin, in e$ecl, \\,a5saying, a differentpersonnow. I hardly
recognizethat \'larvrnoIa vearago. l'hosethingsI usedtr-rdo-refusing
to iookat mv life; tryingto controlor intimidateothers;trying to irnpress
otherswith mv intelligence, my charts,mv thoroughness-ihev'regone.
I don't do that anv nrore."
Theseareno rrinor adjustments: ther reprcsent[:asicmodi6cations in
personhood. Yct thev are so subtlein characterihat the_"- generallyelude
mostresearch outcomequestionnaires.
W i t h h i s u s u a l c a r e , N 4 a r ! r nh a d c o m e p r e p a r e d* , i t h o n e - y e a r
follou-upnotesir.hichrcvierredand assessed the tasks*e had addressed
in therapv.'l'hererdict*as mixed:in somcarcashc had maintainedhis
changes; in othershe had donesomebacksliding. l'irst, he informedme
thatPhlllis*as doingueJ):her phobiaaboutleavingthe houseremained
much irnprorcd.Shc had joined a \romen s therapr group and was
rr'orkingon her fearof attendingsocialfunctions.Perhapsrnostimprcs
sive$as her dccisionto address adaptivelv her concernaborrther lackof
cducation-bv enrollingrn severalcol)egeextensioncourses.
As for \tarvin? He had had no further migraincs.Iiis mood swings
persisted but were noi drsabling.He wasstill periodicallyimpotentbut
broodedabout it less.Hc had changedhis mind aboLrtretiremenland
wasnow rvorkingpart-tirrre, but had switchedfieldsand u,asdoing more
real esiatedevelopmentand management-uork ihat he found more
interesting. Ile and Phvllisstill relatedverv well, but at timeshe lound
himselfaggrievedat her newfoundactivitiesand fe)t ignoredby her.
And m1.'old fricnd, the dreamer?What of him? Did he have a

269
 L O V E ' SE X E C U T I O N E R
message for me? Although Marvin had had no nightmaresor powerful
dreams,he knew therewere nocturnalrumblings.The night beforeour
meeting,he had had a shortdreamwhich wasfull of mystery.[t seened
to be trving to tell him something.Perhaps,he suggesied,
I could un-
derstandit.

My wife is in front of me. Sheis naked and standing with her legs
spreadaport. I am looking through the triangle of her legsof intc,t
the distonce.But all I can see,for, fat awo1-on the hoizon, is my
mother'sface.

from ihe dreamer:

N{y final message

"My
visionis boundedby the *'omen of my )ife and imagination.
Nonetheless, I can still see far into the distance.Perhapsthat is
sufficient."

270