Matthew Thomas Battersby Conversations; or, Ways to Say I 1

Love You

Conversations; or, Ways to Say I Love You

A: Female
B: Male
Actors to use their own names where appropriate.
They are old enough to have finished uni, got married, bought a house and started paying off
their student debts, roughly mid thirties.
Time shifts, sometimes in the present, but more often in their pasts, their wedding day, time at
uni, present etc.
Music is extremely important, as the piece examines our relationship with music and how it can
stir emotions, if other pieces of music fit better then please use them.

Music, the chorus of ‘Let’s Talk About Sex – Salt-N-Pepa', or Chorus of ‘Sex -Cheat Codes x Kris Kross
Amsterdam’ (they’re the same lyrics)

Let’s talk about sex, baby,

Let’s talk about you and me

Let’s talk about all the good things

And the bad thing that may be,

Let’s talk about sex

(fade)

A and B are sat on the floor, B is asleep, there is a duvet covering them both.

A Why are we still doing this? I mean, it’s not even like we know each other. I just pop over every
now and then and we fuck. If you can call it that. No, sorry, it’s not that I don’t want to sleep with you
anymore, it’s just that you’re a bit shit. Like, why can’t you take control for once? Tie me to the
headboard and make me scream ‘til my lungs can’t take it? Or whip me with your belt ‘til I beg you to
stop? Or choke me ‘til I can’t breathe and then... (calming herself, she got a bit too excited during these
ideas). Maybe you’re just too boring for me? I want someone who’s wild and exciting and ready to try
new things, not just go over the same boring crap night after night. And there’s the fact we’re hardly
friends. I mean, I’m pretty sure this is the longest conversation we’ve ever had and you haven’t even said
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a word (laughs). And what if I want more than just sex? Maybe that’s the issue? Maybe you’re perfectly
fine in bed and I’m just looking for something more? Someone to go on a nice romantic walk with and
who’ll take me out for dinner, sharing a romantic gram of coke. (laughs) Yeah, right, as if I’d go in for
something like that! (she pauses, actually considers the fact she’s lying to herself). Could you imagine me
in a committed relationship? I think hell would freeze over before I ever tied myself down like that. I just
wish you were more exciting, and you don’t mind that I sleep around a bit as well as coming back to you
so it's fine (reaction?). Why would anyone want commitment when you can be a slag anyway? I’m too
pretty for a boyfriend (again, she questions herself). Especially not with someone like you! I mean, you’re
punching above your weight, we both know that! And you’ve got that pretty Chinese girl you’ve been
seeing, or is she Japanese? I never can remember! I’m just sure there’s more to life than just this, not
being completely fulfilled and pretending to cum every night. (pause) Not with you, of course! You
always make me cum. (pause, we know she’s lying). It’s just some of those younger lads, I’ve gotta go
home and finish myself off afterwards. But, what I really mean, is I’m completely bullshitting myself, and
you. ‘Cause although we don’t really speak and you’re crap in bed, and I definitely don’t want any kind of
committed relationship... I think I kinda love you...

Music, the end verse and chorus of ‘Grow Old With Me – Tom Odell’

You’ll be the one

Make me hard, make me cum,

Make me feel like I’m real and alive

Grow old with me

Let us share what we see

And all the best it could be,

Just you and I

(fade)

B is alone.

B Our first dance. God, the looks we got off your grandparents, I thought they’d explode! Such a
beautiful day though, committing my life to you, you committing yours to me, how far we’d come in such
a short time. I honestly never thought you’d say ‘yes’ let alone ‘I do’, you really did make me the happiest
man alive you know? There’s nothing more satisfying than having the most beautiful girl become your
wife and promising she’s love you forever, until the end. And I don’t know why I still sit here and talk to
you, as if you’re actually hearing me and listening, as if you’re gonna whisper in my ear the way you
always used to and tell me everything’s going to be okay. You know, a lot of people have told me that in
Matthew Thomas Battersby Conversations; or, Ways to Say I 3
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the past but it takes someone you truly love to say it and make you believe it. Just like when you told me
I was beautiful, I believed you. Why is it that something always has to go wrong? Fucking cancer. (pause,
does he want to go on? Or has this throwaway remark defeated him?). You know I met this girl the other
day, stunning she was, not as stunning as you, of course, but stunning. She flirted with me, I think she
must have been blind drunk. And I flirted back. I didn’t even protest when she kissed me, I just held onto
her and kissed her back and wished she was you. Of course you’d never have taken me into a back alley
and... well, you know. But I need to tell you that. I’m your husband. And I never understood, ‘Til death do
us part’, does that mean until both of us die or does it make it invalid after you have? ‘Cause I feel so
fucking guilty baby. Is it even possible to cheat on someone if they’re dead? And do you even care? I
mean, if it turns out you can’t actually hear a word I’m saying then this really is pathetic. And I’ve started
smoking again (lights a cigarette). And I drink more. It’s funny isn’t it? You’d think that your wife dying of
cancer would send you on a health kick, quit the booze and renounce the fags, start running marathons
and preaching to people in the streets about how awful and deadly it all is and they should stop for the
sake of those that love them and care for them. But the reality is that you just stop caring and worrying
about all of that because your reason for doing anything is gone. And we’re all gonna die in the end. (he
sits quietly, smoking in the silence and finishes his cigarette. He lights another). Do you remember when
we went to Disney on Ice cause you said you really wanted to go? I felt like a right peado just sat there,
on my own, surrounded by people with their kids while you went and got the drinks! Then getting pissed
while everyone around us not-so-quietly judged us! (laughs, a real, hearty laugh, like he hasn’t laughed
in years). And when we went to the zoo and you thought that peacock was trying to kill you, running
away from it like a mad woman! Fucking hell, we had some great times didn’t we! And I hope you know
now, and I hope you always knew, I fuckrtg8/ing love you. (he sits, quiet, finishes his cigarette if he hasn’t
already, takes in the silence. Cries, at first soft, a lament but growing into uncontrollable fits.) I love you.

Music, the first verse and chorus of ‘No-One But You (Only The Good Die Young)-Kerry Ellis (or the Queen
version).

A hand above the water

An angel reaching for the sky

Is it raining in heaven-

Do you want us to cry?

And every-where the broken hearted

On every lonely avenue

No-one could reach them

No-one but you,

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Love You

One by one

Only the good die young

They’re only flying too close to the sun

And life goes on -

Without you...

A and B are together, sat next to each other (or opposite each other at a table if staging allows)

A I think this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to say to anyone. It’s really not fair. You get yourself a
nice man, a nice house, start believing that all of those pipe dreams we had at uni are actually coming
true and then bam. The C-word comes along. (she smirks as he tries to take this in, he wasn’t expecting
it). No babe, not cunt. Cancer. Terminal. (long silence, he holds her hand and tries to take this in, she
remains composed, calm). Twelve months if I’m lucky, apparently. I’ll have to start ticking off my bucket
list... and spade... hole in my... (they laugh quietly, he kisses her head). I’d just started paying back my
tuition fees, fuck. Isn’t that when you know you’ve made it? Baby, we can’t be sad about this. It’s luck of
the draw and we’re just the unlucky ones. Well, I am, you’ll finally stop hearing me moan about your odd
socks, so there’s something to look forward to. (her composure starts to break now). Don’t go off the
rails like when your dad went, please, we fell out big time. But then, I guess, if we hadn’t destroyed our
friendship then we wouldn’t be married now, and I’ll finally get to meet him, see if we had his blessing.
What the fuck am I saying? I promised myself I wouldn’t go on forever like this. Oh well, shit happens.
(He goes to speak) And don’t you dare feel guilty ‘cause you couldn’t make it today, I was fine on my
own. It’s funny really ’cause they’ve told me not to smoke or drink too much ‘cause it’ll make it worse,
apparently. But all I want to do if have a fag and a voddy. I mean, if we know it’s gonna kill me anyway
what’s the point in doing all of the shit you do to not get cancer? Go find me some red meat and stick
me in a microwave while I chain smoke and down shots of tequila. (they both laugh, hers real, his quite
forced, he still hasn’t really taken this in). And yeah, I’ve been sat here trying to think of what to say to
you all afternoon and it hasn’t helped me one bit. We haven’t played Chinese takeaway lottery in a
while, lets do that tonight. Come to think of it, weren’t you fucking a Chinese girl before we were
properly together? We could try and get hold of her, see if she’ll want you once I’m... (quiet, she thought
her sense of humour would stretch this far, it can’t and she lets out a choked sob) Sorry, she was
Japanese, wasn’t she. Do they do Japanese takeaway? I don’t even know what they eat? Fish isn’t it?
And even if they do, why the fuck am I worried about what kind of food It'll be? You always said I waffle
when I don’t know what to say. What was it you called me? The Pinter pause? Still haven’t got a clue
what that means. Look, lets just pick some numbers from the Chinese and see what we get, curl up and
watch The Parent Trap. Babe, I love you. (they hug, a tight, ‘I’m never letting you go’ kind of hug.)

Music, the opening verse of ‘Wires – Athlete’.

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Love You

You got wires, going in,

You got wires, coming out of your skin

You got tears, making tracks,

I got tears, that are scared of the facts…

(fade)

A and B are together.

B I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m saying I’m sorry all the time. And I’m sorry I’m never really here for you ‘cause
I’m too caught up in whatever it is I’m doing or feeling and that’s not really fair. Even though I’ve basically
asked you to come and listen to me. But it needs to be said. I don’t think anyone knows how it feels to
lose something and know you’ll never get it back. I don’t think I did. I still don’t think I do. But it plays
with your brain, it gets in there every second of the day and makes you feel like there’s no point in going
on any more. All I want to do is talk to him, tell him what’s happened and how I am and just generally
talk crap. I want to tell him I love him. And then you get people going on all the time, ‘he’s always with
you and he’ll always hear what you need to say to him’ and all that spiritual crap that I don’t believe and
I know they’re trying to help but it does my fucking nut in. (pause?) And for a time I thought I’d never
feel properly normal again, that I’d always feel useless and want to go with him. And it was wonderful to
drink ‘til I couldn’t remember my own name, let alone why I was hurting and to put whatever shit I could
find up my nose and ride the wave and fuck anything that moved just because it would make me feel
slightly more human again. ‘Cause that’s what you feel. Like a ghost, like someone passing through
without really making a mark, without really knowing you’re there. And it hurts. People talk at you and
you realise you’ve been talking for an hour without knowing what either of you have actually said and
then people just think you’re and ignorant cunt. Or you hide, and you don’t see anyone for days or weeks
and barely even get out of bed or shower or eat because it’s easier to hide away and pretend that the
world’s stopped than to go out and face it. And sometimes you sit in McDonald’s for four hours doing
absolutely nothing. And you convince yourself that you’ll never be okay ever again. But then you came
along. And you helped me heal, you helped me remember who I was, or maybe helped me become who
I am. But sometimes it still hurts. And sometimes when I shout at you or hurt you or make you feel like
crap it’s my way of coping with my hurt, if I can make you feel how I feel maybe everything will be okay.
And then I expect you to read my mind and know that actually I’m hurting. I mean, it would be great if
you could, really handy. (smirks) You know I tried to do it the other day? Staring at a bottle of bleach
trying to decide if I’d need a pint glass to drink it out of or if a tumbler would do. Or, fuck it, drink it out
of the bottle and save someone else the washing up. But it had a funny spout, couldn’t really drink out of
it. So I got some coke instead and just sat, on my own, snorting lines all night until eventual I went and
fucked someone. Waking up in a strangers bed with no idea where you are, who you’re with or what
you’ve done, classy bird, me (laughs?). But one day you broke me again. You cast me off like you never
really wanted me. And yeah, I know, you’re not my girlfriend. But every now and then I let myself believe
you are, stupid, I know. But sometimes it gets me through the day. But I guess, what I really wanted to
say to you was. I’m not okay right now, but I will be… Someday. And, I guess, thank you. And I hope this
isn’t goodbye. I love you.
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Music, the final verse of Hallelujah – Leonard Cohen (or any nice arrangement that includes this verse,
the Kate McKinnon version from SNL is quite moving.)

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though it all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah…

(to finish or fade)

A and B are at a table, he is seated, she is stood next to him, a chair behind them.

A Okay, I know it isn’t traditional for the bride to make a speech, but I feel like I’m not a typical bride so
here goes. I’ve promised my mum I won’t say the word cunt so I’ll try my best not to (she laughs, she’s
been on the champagne). To think I’d be getting married was in itself something I never thought would
happen, all those times I told you all that I would stay single forever and love myself for it, never being
tied down changed when I met the beautiful man I now call my husband. (she touches his hair). We
haven’t always had it smooth, the times when we didn’t speak or fell out or whatever but I’m so proud
to say that he’s always been there for me when I needed him most, and I hope he would say the same.
(he nods his approval). [Name] really is the sweetest guy I could ever have wished for, I’ll never forget my
birthday when he surprised me with tickets for ‘Disney on Ice’, just because I said I wished I’d gone as a
kid. We were 23! And we continue our quest to go to every zoo in the UK, although if any of you have
met our goldfish you know we’d never be the kind of people to start adopting animals and all the jazz.
(she sings a little bit of ‘All That Jazz’). [Name] actually proposed in Dudley zoo, by a statue of an
elephant. I don’t know who was more shocked, me that he’d proposed or him that I’d said yes! (she
holds his hand). Either way we’re stuck with each other now, forever! (she jokes), Fuck, that’s quite a
long time to spend with someone isn’t it? You’d better not turn into an absolute cunt! (they laugh). Sorry
Mum! (still laughing). It’s hard to pin down when, exactly, we first met. Neither of us are really sure, but I
guess that’s freshers week for you, ey! (she looks at him, suddenly no one else in the room seems to
exist) And you wandered in and out of my life for a year before I realised how lucky I’d be to have a man
like you. (back to reality). No one ever thought we’d last, the quirky-but-cute theatre kid and the law
student but we managed, we’ve made us work and all of our differences just make us stronger. So, here’s
my toast... To differences, and to us... (they toast, she sits down, kisses him) I love you.
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Music. The opening to ‘All My Love – George Ezra’.

All my love is yours,

All my time is ours,

All my reckless dreams

And all my restless hours,

No matter where you go, baby, I’ll be there

No matter where you go, baby, I’ll be there,

I’ll be there

(fade)

They are clearly in the middle of an argument. The air is tense, after a while...

B So you didn’t fuck him, you just sucked him off. Fucking great. You know how much that hurts me?
After all that shit you gave me because I hugged someone, you were the one who screamed at me all the
fucking way home in that Uber because I hugged someone and you got all jealous about it. But it’s
perfectly fine for you to suck off random people in bars because the rules are different for you. And don’t
give me all that bull that you’d had too much to drink because that doesn’t wash and you know it. And if
this is your sick way of getting back at me because I hugged a girl in a club then you are truly fucked in
the head, like seriously, take a fucking look at yourself. (she lights a cigarette, she’s like a scolded child,
doesn’t even try to say anything, she knows she’s done wrong and must pay the price). And where was I
when all this happened anyway? Don’t even answer that ‘cause I don’t wanna know. You know, when we
were first seeing each other and Cho text me, you went fucking loopy cause you thought I was still seeing
her, and I paid the fucking price for that even though I wasn’t! You really can be a complete bitch
sometimes, you know that? (silence, more anger boils inside him). So, was it just him? Or is there a long
list of guys you’ve given blowjobs to on nights out? (she goes to speak). What’s worse is that you’re the
goddamn paranoid one. Always going on about how I might be cheating, when it’s only you that’s
actually cheated. I wonder how many other secrets you’ve got, how many other lies you’ve told. How
many other things have you accused me of and gone mad about when you’re doing them behind my
back? You really do know how to hurt a man. Cunt (this is the first time we’ve heard this word with
venom, it hangs in the air, they stare at each other, neither of them finding the words they want to say.
She leaves. He calls after her.) Yeah, and I fucking love you too.

Music. The second verse of ‘People - Barbra Striesand’.

Matthew Thomas Battersby Conversations; or, Ways to Say I 8
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Lovers are very special people

They’re the luckiest people in the world.

With one person, one very special person

A feeling deep in your soul

Says you were half,

Now you’re whole.

(fade).

A is on her last legs, she knows she hasn’t got long left, putting on her brave face. B is finding it a lot
harder to stay stong.

A Babe, I need to say thank you. I know I’ve never made things easy for you and I’ve been a right
arsehole sometimes but you’ve always been there to pick up the broken pieces of me, and put me
together again. And I never deserved such a loving husband, my best friend. If only I could have been a
better person and realised what I had before there was an expiry date put on me. (her cracks are starting
to show, she’s failing to not get emotional, she cries, hard. He holds her hand, tight.). What curse did you
get to end up with this? (laughs). And I’m sorry we’ll never get to do everything we planned. All those
zoos we never got to see, I never got to see a real life kangaroo. You’d better hire one and bring it to the
funeral or I’ll never forgive you. I know I’ve said it before but don’t you fucking dare mope about for the
rest of your life, I’m not gonna be there to help you out on this one so I’ll give you my advice now. Live.
Don’t stop smiling cause you look beautiful when you smile and we all need more of it. You never smiled
enough. And love someone. Find someone who you deserve and love them, just as long as it isn’t fucking
Cho. And as long as you don’t stop loving me. (pause, he can‘t comprehend this ever happening). I never
gave you kids, I’m sorry. Three bedroom house with just us in it, and everyone knew we didn’t have
enough friends to warrant two guest rooms! We’d have had a beautiful little boy and a girl. Juliet and
Myles. And Myles would probably have been gay and we’d love him for it, what with you taking him to
the theatre all the time. I often wondered if you were secretly gay you know? And Juliet would have
been pretty enough to be a model, break all the boys hearts and then pick just the right one, the
millionaire. I can just see you walking her up the aisle. You’d have been the perfect daddy to those kids.
(they both are really sobbing now, holding each other). Make sure you know how everything you buy
works babe. And I’ve written out how to use the dishwasher, and the toaster setting you like is number
three, otherwise It's too dry for you. And you have to press the button before setting the time on the
microwave. Sorry, I’m mothering you again. (the word ‘mothering’ hits her hard). You know all of this,
I’m sorry. Rambling again. (silence). I remember when we first met, y’know? I was sat outside the SU
having a fag and you came over to ask for a lighter and why I wasn’t wearing any shoes. What a fucking
shite chat up line. But you did take your shoes off too so I wouldn’t feel like the only idiot who was
barefoot. You even had odd socks on then. Don’t ever stop wearing odd socks baby, it drives me fucking
mad but you never really feel like you if they match. And don’t do that thing where people pretend that
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they’re fit enough to run a marathon and end up killing yourself with a heart attack. (she laughs). Just be
happy for me, ok? (he nods, they feel more like mother and son than husband and wife. She sings to
him, ‘For The Good Times’) Don’t look so sad, I know it’s over. But life goes on, and this old world will
keep on turning. Let’s just be glad we had some time to spend together. (They hold each other in
silence). Thank you for always being my baby. They don’t think I’m gonna wake up tomorrow. I wish I
wasn’t so tired. Then we could stay awake together forever and never sleep. Cause that way I can’t wake
up dead can I? And we can just stay awake and go see a kangaroo and have those kids and be happy
together, forever. (she’s talking through heavy sobs). We can do it baby, we can stay awake, we can be us
and we can be happy, me and you against the world, staying awake to fight on. Please don’t let me sleep,
I don’t wanna fall asleep. I want to stay with you, don’t let me fall asleep baby. (they cry, holding each
other and kissing each other, knowing this is the last time.) And it might be the last time I get to say it. I
love you, so so much, I just really love you. (her eyes close, she sleeps, he cries, clinging on to her.)

B I love you too.

Music. ‘How Long Will I Love You – Ellie Goulding’

How long will I love you?

As long as stars are above you

And longer if I can.

How long will I need you?

As long as the seasons need to

Follow their plan...

(continues)

End.