Husband Neglects Her and the Children

Question

Salam aleikum I have a question regarding my marriage situation as i find it very bad. My husband is out
with friends all night . He comes Home around 4 or 5 in the morning. Takes sleeping pills and then sleep
all day . I hate this and i told him but he dosent care . He continues doing it . Which of Course leaves me
not Only lonely during the Days and nights bcz we never spend any time together . He sleep until 4 or 5
in after nooon. I take kids to school which takes me 40 min there and back and would take him 5 min
with car. I cook . I clean . I go shopping food Which of Course is heavy carrying . I do Home work with
kids . Take them to mosque and back . Take them out playing . Educate them . Spend time with them
and he does absolutely nothing but living life of teenager without responsibility . Sometimes me and
kids have to go in heavily raining to school and back and i feel sorry for kids while he is Home sleeping
living his life. Last week i had to go to doctor and he refused driving me which would have take about 30
min there and back instead it took me almost 4 hours with bus and i came Home wet bcz of the raining (
we live in England where Always raining ) i came back Home and found the Home in a mess as he just
leaves everything around and makes Home dirty . I went abroad a few weeks ago and came back and
took me almost a week to clean the Home bcz he just threw things and clothes every where. Every time
he ate food or kids he took all the dishes and put them in a big plastic bowl in hot tub and left them for
me there . It took me ceveral hours just to wash them .. I had been travelling all night slept 4 hours and
cleaned all day his mess . I had to travel bcz of some Police issue and kids were going in school so
couldent take them with me . All this situation makes me angry . I Dont feel like a wife . I feel like a maid
nothing more. He never spend time with me or takes me out . Im Always alone or with kids.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship
except Allah, and that Muhammad sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) is His
slave and Messenger. {C}

First of all, we ask Allah to relieve your distress, make a way out to your hardship, and reform your
husband. We ask Allah to grant you patience with him, as the outcome of patience is good, Allah willing.
For more benefit about the virtue of patience, please refer to Fatwa 83577.

There is no doubt that your husband is very wrong with this behavior –if it is true –and is acting
contrarily to the Commandment of his Lord in keeping good marital relations with his wife. Allah Says
(what means): {And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and
Allah makes therein much good.} [Quran 4:19]

Al-Jassaas may Allaah have mercy upon him said while commenting on the above verse:
"This is an order to the husbands to live with their wives in kindness. This kindness entails fulfilling her
rights, such as giving her the dowry, spending on her, being fair when distributing the sleeping time
shared (amongst co-wives), not to harm her with harsh words, not abandon her, not to become inclined
to other wives more than her, not to frown or scowl at her without a reason, and so forth. This has the
same meaning as the Saying of Allah (which means): {Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or
release [her] with good treatment.} [Quran 2:229]" [End of quote]

It seems that your husband did not understand the true meaning of married life; that it is affection,
mercy, mutual respect, mutual understanding, solidarity and cooperation.

He has a good example in the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention )
who said: "The best amongst you are those wo are the best to their wives, and I am the best to my
wives." [At-Tirmithi] This is how the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his
mention ) was with his wives, as he used to sit with his wives, be compassionate with them, and help
them in the household chores.

Aa'ishah may Allaah be pleased with her was asked: "What did the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa
sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) use to do in his house?" She replied: “He was a human being just
like all other human beings. He used to remove the fleas from his clothes, milk his sheep, and serve
himself." [Ahmad]

Work outside the house is the duty of the husband. This is what the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa
sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) ruled between ‘Ali and Faatimah may Allaah be pleased with
them. Ibn Al-Qayyim may Allaah have mercy upon him said in his book Zaad Al-Ma’aad: “Chapter on
the ruling of the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam ( may Allaah exalt his mention ) about the wife
serving her husband: “Ibn Habeeb said in Al-Waadhihah: the Prophet sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam (
may Allaah exalt his mention ) judged between ‘Ali and his wife Faatimah may Allaah be pleased with
them when they complained to him about tiredness (of Faatimah) resulting from the service (at home);
so he ruled that Faatimah does the interior work, which is the work at home, and that ‘Ali does the
apparent work (i.e. the work done outside the house); then Ibn Habeeb said: the interior work (at home)
includes dough making, cooking, making the bed, sweeping and cleaning the house, bringing the water,
and all the house chores.” [End of quote]

We first advise you to supplicate Allah, as He is able to reform your husband, as Allah is over all things
Omnipotent.
Try to advise him in a good manner in the light of what we have mentioned, and you can seek the help
of his close friends if necessary, as advice may be beneficial to him. If this is achieved, then praise be to
Allah; otherwise, you have the right to take the matter to the people in charge of Islamic Centers if you
think that this will be beneficial, perhaps they can reconcile between you and your husband.

For more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 235447 and 386848.

Allah knows best.