12 parenting mistakes

you don’t know you’re

making
Daniel Wong
SingaporeScene
February 1, 2016

(Thinkstock file photo)

Frustrating, isn’t it?
You try your best as a parent.
You love your children unconditionally. You
spend time with them. You give them gifts.
You provide them with everything they
need.
But somehow they don’t seem to
appreciate it.
They complain about their lives. And –
more annoyingly – they complain about you
being a naggy, unreasonable parent.
You wonder to yourself, “Why don’t they
appreciate everything I do for them?”
If this describes your situation, I’m here to
help.
Having worked with thousands of children
and teens, I realise there are many
common mistakes that parents don’t even
know they’re making.
I’ll explain 12 of these mistakes, which may
be causing your child to be unhappy and
unmotivated. (Some of them might surprise
you as being mistakes!)
1. Making your children the center of the
universe.
Does your family’s schedule revolve around
your children?
Their homework, their needs, their
activities, their music lessons, their
enrichment classes … the list goes on.
Of course, children have practical needs.
But when everything revolves around them,
they may become self-centred.
And when they’re constantly thinking
about themselves – instead of focusing on
the needs of others – they’re more likely to
be unhappy.
After all, the people who lead the happiest,
most meaningful lives are the ones who
concentrate on serving others.
So allow your kids to experience a family
environment where others receive as much
attention as they do. They’ll benefit from it.
2. Constantly telling your children how
special they are.
“You can be anything you want to be.”
“You did a fantastic job!”
 “You’re so clever!”
If you say these kinds of things to your
children too often, they may develop a
sense of entitlement.
They may start thinking to themselves, “I’m
special, so I should be able to achieve
success even if I don’t try too hard.”
This kind of thinking sets children up for
misery down the road, because nothing in
life worth achieving ever comes easily.
It’s not wrong to encourage your children –
just be sure they don’t end up thinking
they’re the greatest thing since sliced
bread.
3. Expecting the worst from your children.
Some parents say the following to their
children:
 “You’re so irresponsible.”
 “You’re useless!”
 “You’re stupid!”
 “Why can’t you do anything right?”
 “Why are you so unmotivated?”
 “You didn’t do your homework, right?”
 “Did you get in trouble with your
teacher?”
 “Are you hanging out with bad company
again?”

Saying these things to your children won’t

make them change their behaviour. This is
because over time they’ll internalise those
labels they’ve been given.
A child who believes he’s “irresponsible”
and “unmotivated” won’t magically become
responsible and motivated. Instead, he’ll
act out the negative traits he’s been
labeled with. It becomes a self-fulfilling
prophecy.
What’s the alternative?
Read on to the next point.
4. Not acknowledging your children’s good
behaviour.
Don’t let your children’s good behaviour go
unnoticed.
For example, if you observe that your child
has managed to focus for 20 minutes
straight, say with a smile, “I notice that
you managed to concentrate for 20
minutes. Well done!”
If your child submits his homework on
time, praise him for it: “I’m proud of you
for getting your homework done and for
submitting it on time.”
These are simple comments that make a
huge difference. The more you focus on
your children’s good behaviour, the more it
will multiply.
5. Trying to achieve your dreams through
your children.
It’s easy to see your children as an
extension of yourself. After all, your
children have half of your genes.
But if you try to achieve your own
dreams through your children, they won’t
find enduring happiness and success.
I even know parents who have forced their
children to become doctors or lawyers,
because those were their unfulfilled career
ambitions.
Each of us has our own race to run, so
don’t coerce your children into following
your own agenda.
6. Disciplining your children when you’re
angry.
If you want your children to be confident
and well-adjusted, you must discipline
them.
But this discipline shouldn’t be carried out
in the heat of the moment.
If you discipline your children when you’re
angry, you’re likely to mete out
unreasonable punishments or use
excessive force.
In the long run, this will make your children
feel bitter and resentful.
So if you’re on the verge of losing your
cool, remove yourself from the situation for
10 to 15 minutes. Discipline your child only
when you’ve calmed down. You’ll feel
better about it, and in the end, so will they.

7. Shaming your children.

 No matter what your children have done,
refrain from saying any of the following:

 “I’m ashamed of you.”

 “Stop behaving like a baby.”
 “You ungrateful brat!”
 “What were you thinking?!”
 “I’ll never forgive you for that.”

When children feel a sense of shame, their

growth and development is hindered. They
may feel unworthy of love, and they may
feel like a failure. This will lead to various
psychological problems.

So if your children have made a mistake,

don’t find fault with them as people.
Instead, focus on their actions and what
you’d like them to do differently in the
future.

And do remind them that you love them.

This will teach them that they’re worthy of
love even when they make mistakes,
leading to strong feelings of self-worth.

8. Being a friend to your children rather

than a parent.

If your children like you and enjoy spending

time with you, that’s great. But your
children need you to be a parent more than
they need you as a friend.

Good parenting involves making hard

decisions. It involves disciplining your
children, establishing boundaries, setting
expectations, and meting out
consequences.

Even if you do these things perfectly, your

children might still be disgruntled, and that
can hurt your feelings.

But don’t worry, because they won’t stay

that way for long. They’ll soon realise that
you’re preparing them for adult life.
 9. Not teaching your children to manage
their emotions.

Life is full of stress, disappointment, and

hardship. If children don’t learn to manage
their emotions, they’ll be overwhelmed by
challenges.

So it’s important that you teach your

children how to regulate their emotions.
Here are some ways you can do this:

 Set a good example by managing your

own emotions well
 Pay attention to your emotions as well
as your children’s
 Don’t dismiss your children’s emotions
 Empathise with your children
 Encourage your children to talk about
their emotions
 Avoid judging your children’s emotions
 Teach your children to name their
emotions
When your children can handle their
emotions no matter what trials life throws
at them, they’ll be prepared for just about
anything. This is one of the best gifts you
can give them.

10. Comparing your children with others.

“Don’t compare” – this is probably the most

popular piece of advice in the history of
parenting.

But no matter how many times you hear it,

it’s still tempting to compare your children
with others. (I’m a parent too, so I speak
from experience!)

When parents compare, children get the

message that “my parents would love me
more if only I were more like so-and-so”.

This can make children feel insecure,

which harms their emotional and mental
development.
So resist the urge to compare,
remembering that your children are
uniquely gifted with their own skills,
abilities, and personality traits. They’re
worthy of love and understanding just as
they are.

11. Shielding your children from the

consequences of their choices.

One of the most important life lessons is

that choices lead to consequences. The
sooner we understand this truth, the
sooner we’ll start to make wise decisions.

Don’t hinder your children’s development

by bailing them out. (Of course, the
exception is when they’d be in physical
danger if you didn’t do so.)

For example, if your children forget to bring

their homework to school, don’t drive to
school to drop it off. They’ll be forced to
become more organised in the future.
And if your children refuse to put their
clothes in the laundry basket, don’t do it
for them. They’ll learn to do so when they
have to re-wear their dirty clothes because
they ran out of clean ones.

By all means, show your children grace and

compassion, but don’t go overboard. If you
do, your children won’t learn to take full
responsibility for their lives.

And without that understanding, it’s

impossible to be successful and happy in
the long run.

12. Not prioritizing your marriage over your

children.

I don’t claim to be a marriage expert. But

through my work with children and teens,
I’ve realised that they would rather know
that their parents love each other than that
their parents love them.
Author and therapist David Code says that
“families centered on children create
anxious, exhausted parents and
demanding, entitled children”.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that the

parent-child relationship isn’t important.
I’m just saying that it’s crucial for you to
focus on meeting your spouse’s needs, not
just your children’s.

Be intentional about strengthening your

marriage, and your children will be happier
and more well-adjusted as a result. And
you and your spouse will be great role
models for your children’s own eventual
marriages.

Conclusion

Parenting is an art, so there’s no one-size-

fits-all approach that works 100% of the
time.
But if your goal is to raise children who are
happy and successful, there are some
things you should not do. In this article,
I’ve outlined 12 of them.

If you feel like you’ve made many of these

mistakes, rest assured that you’re not
alone. Parenting is probably the toughest
job in the world!

The first step to change is awareness,

which you now have. The rest of the
journey is about gradual improvement.

So take it one step at a time. Think about

which of the 12 mistakes you commit most
often, and come up with a parenting
improvement plan. (To develop this plan,
scroll down and download the free bonus.)

Implementing this plan will take

commitment and hard work, but you’ll see
results over time.
And down the road, your children will thank
you too!

Daniel Wong specialises in helping

students become both happy and
successful. He also shares with parents
what they can do to help. Download
this FREE bonus to go along with the
article: a step-by-step planning worksheet
to help you become a better, more
effective parent. The views expressed are
his own.