A Joint Family.

by
Destre Tashjian

CHARACTERS

MARY Mid-fifties. Wife of JANE. A loving and kind

mother of SEAN. Paints as a hobby. Really bad at
crossword puzzles.

JANE Mid-fifties. Wife of MARY. Stern and tough, but

ultimately just wants best for her son SEAN.

SEAN College kid studying political science. Social

justice warrior.

 (Kitchen. Breakfast
time. MARY and JANE sit
at the table. MARY is
completing a crossword
puzzle while JANE stares
deeply into the cereal
box. Silence, but a
happy silence.)
MARY
6 letters. Starts with a B.

JANE
OK.

MARY
“A creamy soup, typically made with shellfish.”

JANE
Bisque.

MARY
No, that doesn’t work.

JANE
(beat.) Honey, that’s no good. The answer to that question is
bisque.

MARY
It doesn’t fit!

JANE
(counting on fingers.) B-I-S-Q-U-E. That’s six.

MARY
Oh.

(MARY erases for an obscene

amount of time.)
Alright! Thank you.

(beat. comfortable silence.)

Three letters. Starts with a C. A feline pet.

JANE
*disbelief*

 SEAN (off stage)
Mom?

JANE & MARY

Yes?

SEAN
What’s my social security number?
(JANE and MARY look
at each other.
Beat.)

MARY
Why?

JANE (to MARY)

If he gets his identity stolen again I swear--

JANE (cont. to offstage)

Honey, please don’t give your social security number to
strangers online again. There’s nothing wrong with your credit;
the IRS is not after you. No matter what they say-

SEAN
It’s for a scholarship application.

MARY & JANE (surprised)

(ad lib.) Oh! Wow! Yay!!

MARY
Uhhh I can’t remember it off the top of my head sweetie but I
think your security card is in our room in the top drawer of the
left bedside table.

(SEAN enters SR, goofily

smiles at his mothers, exits
SL to bedroom.)

JANE
Good morning?

SEAN (walking off)

Yo.
(from off stage) You said the top right drawer?

MARY (preoccupied with crossword.)

Uh, yeah. (beat.) (realization-urgent.) wait-no. Left. LEFT.
SEAN. THE LEFT DR-

 SEAN
*screams*

JANE MARY SEAN

No no no no no no SEAN. SEAN. OTHER WHAT EVEN IS THIS
DRAWER. I’M SORRY. THING?

MARY
PUT IT DOWN SEAN. PUT IT DOWN SEAN. PLEASE, PLEASE GOD JUST DO
NOT TURN IT ON.

SEAN
(disgust.) IT TURNS ON? (vibration noise, if possible) *screams*

(JANE, SEAN, and MARY

all ad lib here. Chaos.)

MARY
It is a PERSONAL massager.

SEAN
No! Why! no no. What? Why is great aunt Marie’s cookie jar in
here?!!?

JANE
DON’T! TOUCH! ANYTHING!

SEAN
Mom??

MARY
STOP!!!!

(silence. SEAN walks out.

MARY and JANE are standing at
this point, fear,
embarrassment, etc. SEAN
looks as if he’s just been
through war. He holds the
cookie jar. Long silence.
Really reaallly long
silence.)

SEAN
Mom?

 MARY JANE
(like nothing happened.) Hey I-(cannot possibly think of a
son! response to what just
happened.)

SEAN
What’s uh…in the jar?

MARY JANE
(very calmly.) Loose Change. IT’S JUST CBD!

(MARY makes a “why’d you

snitch” face at JANE. SEAN
opens the jar and sniffs.)

SEAN
That ain’t CBD.

MARY
I can explain.

SEAN (he’s in charge now.)

Sit down.

(MARY and JANE sit down

almost immediately. They are
in trouuubbllleee. SEAN sits
down.)

So. Would someone like to tell me what is in the jar?

JANE
That is…none of your business. Please go put it back.

SEAN (pointing SL)

Woah woah woah no! I am never going back in there again!

MARY
C’mon Sean-y. Grow up. We’re all adults here.

JANE
Are you kidding? The kid is 19. He’s a fetus.

MARY
I don’t know. Maybe we should tell him.

 SEAN
Just for clarification, you don’t have to tell me anything. I-I
know what’s in the jar.

MARY
Sean. There’s marijuana in there.

(SEAN nods. He knew, mom.)

JANE
And I want you to know, your mother and I always use it very
responsibly when we partake.

SEAN
Partake?

MARY
And we don’t use it often. Just on special occasions.

SEAN (to self)

Special occasions?

JANE
Except last night.

MARY
(chuckling) Oh yeah, last night we didn’t really have a reason.

SEAN
LAST NIGHT?? I don’t understand. You guys were not pot-positive
when I lived here.

JANE
No, obviously not for you, but after you went off to school,
your mother and I started…experimenting…

SEAN
(disgusted.) Please don’t ever say that again.

JANE (cont.)
…trying new things…

SEAN
(miserable.) I don’t like this.

JANE (cont.)
And I think we finally found something that works for us!

 MARY
I mean, I smoked weed in college but that stuff wasn’t anything
like what there is now. There are flavors!

SEAN
Mom! This is insane! Do you have a dealer?

MARY
Oh, no. My sister ships it in from California.

SEAN
Aunt Susan?

MARY
No, Aunt Katie. Susan would never do that. Bitch. (beat.)
Anyways, I think it’s a great thing when used safely in
moderation. And the health benefits!

JANE
C’mon Mary, I’m sure the kid has had his fair share.

(They look at SEAN.

beat.)
SEAN
No comment.

MARY
Oh c’mon tell me you’ve TRIED it!

SEAN
This is so weird.

JANE
Just a little?

SEAN
YES! Oh my! YES! I’ve smoked pot! Everyone has! You guys didn’t
discover weed!

MARY
We didn’t mean to upset you Sean-

SEAN
I know. I know. It’s just. Ugh. Frustrating.

MARY
How? It’s practically legal!

 SEAN
For you! For you, mom. And for you, mom. It is practically legal
for you. No one is going to bat an eye at the hippie white
ladies who just want to have fun.

JANE
Oh, here’s our little social justice warrior!

MARY
It is really actually quite interesting how far the cannabis
industry is going. There are weed cafes and cooking classes! You
can actually invest in marijuana now, isn’t that crazy?

SEAN
Listen to yourself! (stands.) It is crazy. It is crazy. Black
men are serving years for possessing less pot than you have in
this stupid jar! Kids are losing scholarships and getting kicked
off sports teams. Lives are being wasted because America is
systematically designed to incarcerate people like me. Do you
not understand this?

MARY
I know honey, just calm down. (joking. In reference to cookie
jar.) Maybe you need some of this.

SEAN
You don’t listen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Really. I love you both,
I really do, and I don’t want to upset you, but you can be so
oblivious sometimes. So selfish and all-knowing and “woke” when
in reality, you don’t know what you’re talking about because you
don’t care! And whatever! You don’t have to. But I’m not like
you. The world doesn’t treat me the same way it treats you.

JANE
Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think we don’t know that?
We’ve fought our fights. We still fight. And I know your mother
and I would do anything to shield you from the hate and
ignorance out there. But it’s not that easy.

SEAN
I know that. And I’m sorry, really. I should not have raised my
voice. I’m happy for you guys. I’m happy that you found
something that is fun and new and helping. I’m glad it’s
helping.

 MARY
The world is never going to be on your side, Sean. It is always
going to be harder for you to succeed than it should be. And I’m
sorry. Life is unfair to everyone. It’s just less unfair for
some people. And that’s unfair. And your mom and I, we fight for
you. We really do. Our whole lives have been battles that we
very seldom won. And I won’t stop, ever, but we do what we can
to lighten the load. And we have work to do, as a family and a
Nation I know, but right now, a heathy and happy family is
enough for me.

JANE
Me too.

SEAN
Okay. I mean, not okay. There are still things to talk about.
There will always be things to talk about. And we should. We
should talk more about this stuff; the things that matter.

JANE
I agree. (at jar) I’ll go put this away.

SEAN
It’s fine. I don’t care if you guys smoke weed. I do care a
little though, that you put your stash in the cookie jar that my
favorite dead great aunt gave to me.

JANE
Its air-tight!

MARY
Oh, please. What else would go in here?

JANE
Cookies, probably.

MARY
Ooh that’s a good idea!!

SEAN
Mom!! Whatever. Keep it. It always kind of bothered me anyway. I
can never tell if it’s a dog or a cat. I’m going to dig up some
old documents to find my social security number. Peace.

JANE
Okay, kiddo. And it’s definitely a cat.

 (JANE and MARY return to
their morning activities.
Silence.)

MARY (on crossword)

Oh, cat.