Experts Talk: The Influence of Social Media on Relationships

Are you wondering how social media affects the finding, maintenance and breaking of
relationships? Find out how it impacts relationships here.

With more and more people spending so much time on social media, there are increasing worries
about how sites like Facebook might be affecting our relationships. It’s not uncommon for
relationships to break down because of social media use, though many couples have got together as
a result of using these sites. We spoke to a number of relationship experts to find out what they
thought about the impact of social media on dating, love and romance.

Social media in everyday life

The symptoms of a perfect life created by social media - how this can impact an
average person's life?
One of the main reasons social media has affected so many relationships is because it constantly
presents images of so-called ‘perfect lives’ to us. Many people believe social media has left people
with unrealistic ideas of what their lives and relationships should be like. Sex, gender, pop culture
writer Lauren Rosewarne said that seeing the often “idealised lives” of others can create feelings
of jealousy and envy. Rosewarne says social media users can easily to start to feel like their own
lives are failing in comparison to those of their online friends. Even though we know our social
media friends are presenting a “highly curated” highlights reel of their lives, these feelings can be
tough to let go.

Therapist Brie Shelly says those that only post positive content about their lives on social media
may make weaker connections than others. Shelley suggests some individuals may fail to have
“stronger connections with others in their life because most people can't connect to people with
‘perfect’ lives”. A study carried out by Kaspersky Lab found that social media was making people
less happy. The research found that social media users were spending around two hours per day on
social media. 42% of respondents felt jealous when they saw their friends receiving more ‘likes’
than themselves, with 59% experiencing sadness after seeing images of events they were not invited
to. 45% felt unhappy when they looked at pictures of their friends’ foreign trips and holidays, with
37% feeling sad when they looked at pictures of their past. This was because they felt they were no
longer as happy. In the US, 1 in 7 divorces has been linked to sketchy social media activity. Many
people cite social media as making them more anxious and depressed. Let’s find out more about the
relationship between social media and anxiety next.

Can social media be the reason for anxiety?

There is strong evidence to suggest that social media is a big cause of anxiety. Marriage and family
therapist Tina B. Tessina told us that people can feel anxious if they feel they can’t compete with
the exaggerated images they see. Dona Murphy, a life and relationship coach, felt social media
delivered an “expectation of perfection” that made users feel fearful they could not measure up to
these “impossible” and “non-existent” standards. The relationship coach Doc Love thought social
media can cause us to be judged and become the victim of misinterpreted observations.

According to Hashim Ilyas, many of the billions of social media users around the world were likely
to be vulnerable to posts that depict “perfect lives”. In his experience, people commonly felt
distressed when they saw images of wealth, great social and family lives. People may start to
overthink about failing to match up with them financially or socially. But can social media actually
improve our self-esteem if it is used correctly?

How to use social media to increase self-esteem and improve your life?
Even the biggest critics of social media would admit that it does come with some benefits. Tina B.
Tessina described social media as a good source for information on “learning better emotional
habits and improving life”. She advised social media users experiencing anxiety to follow the most
reputable pages for advice on managing anxiety to limit the negative impact of these services.

Author and relationship expert Kevin Darné urged social media users to remember that they are on
a “personal journey”, telling them they can become “free” once they have learned to stop competing
with others. According to Darné, people can become happy for others and still take pleasure in
celebrating their own successes along the way. He said people must remember that the vast majority
of their online friends and contacts were virtual and had no real presence as people in their day-to-
day lives. Although many people have hundreds of online acquaintances and few real-life face-to-
face friends, he says individuals only require a “small group of loving trustworthy individuals to be
happy and fulfilled”. He also encourages users to allow others’ accomplishments to inspire and
motivate them rather than leave them feeling jealous and envious.

Brie Shelly urges social media users to pay attention to how big a role social media is playing in
their lives. She says some users may underestimate how much time they are spending using social
media apps. Users are encouraged to spend an hour or two without their phone, try to spend a
weekend away from social media or even delete their social media apps for a few days. When you
take these steps, you will notice how many times you reach for your phone without realising it.
Shelly also encourages individuals to use tools to monitor their social media and phone use and find
out how much time they are really spending on sites like Facebook. Many users express shock after
seeing these figures.

Once you find out what your level of attachment is, you can decide whether you want to reduce
your social media use. Does your mood change when you decrease your use? Some people have
improved their mental well-being by limiting their screen time, reducing the volume of their use and
only checking their phone at set times of the day. You can even move your apps to another part of
your phone to make them harder to find. She says her clients’ self-esteem regularly improves when
they become more aware of their screen time levels and make efforts to reduce them.

Looking for love online

How does social media affect our dating?
Tina B. Tessina says social media gives us “false impressions of what to expect from dating and
relationships”. Dating expert, TED speaker and start-up founder Hayley Quinn tells us it has
changed our approach to dating on several levels. It can make us feel more pressurised to source the
perfect profile picture or make us feel there is an endless supply of possibly more suitable partners
out there. It’s argued that this can make us less likely to work on making our existing relationships
successful. Kevin Darné says attempts to seek love on social media services can backfire, as most
people do not see them as dating sites. Find out whether other experts agree below.

Is it better to look for a partner on social media or a dating site?

Dating coach Wendy Newman says online dating platforms can be better environments for finding
love as they give you useful information on who is available and likely to be compatible with us. In
Hayley Quinn’s view, both options can play a big role in helping us find love, suggesting that
singles shouldn’t “close down any potential options” for meeting people. She recommends that
single users should get an online dating profile but also clean up their social media page and
continue to go out in real life. Dona Murphy says both can be misleading with regards to what a
user is really like, but that social media can present “more realistic” portrayals of people and their
lives. However, she says the fact that most dating sites are not free can help you to meet genuine
people. Darné says most people don’t use social media to find love. You could be left feeling
embarrassed if you do attempt to flirt with someone on Facebook or Twitter. However, if you have
met someone you want to get to know better on social media and have arranged to meet up with
them, you can look at their profile page to find out whether to proceed. Read more below.

What to look for on the profile page of your date?

Tina B. Tessina says people should expect profile pages to be exaggerated and untrue. She says
individuals should meet people in real life to find out who they really are. Dona Murphy says
singles seeking love on social media should look for evidence of intelligence and humour if these
things are important to them. Valerie O’Ryan, another relationship coach, urges users to seek out
people who are “positive and optimistic” rather than “negative and judgemental”. According to
Kevin Darné, people can benefit from looking out for “red flags” and creating a “must-have” list.
He also urges users to be wary of people with professional-looking headshots or dated clothing, as
these photos could have been stolen, or they could be very old pictures of themselves. Dating expert
Debbie Rivers encourages people to avoid stalking someone’s timeline when they are seeking a
new mate or have started a new relationship with them, as they could come across things that leave
them feeling insecure or jealous. Of course, we mustn’t take risks with our safety and security.

What are the main rules to stay safe when searching for a date online?
Valerie O’Ryan instructs users to only meet people in public places when they are just getting to
know them. Don’t get in a car with someone during the early stages or let them know where you
live. Doc Love advises people to avoid heavy subjects like race, religion, sex and politics on first
dates, and to avoid put-downs and criticism. Brie Shelly tells daters to always let friends and family
know where they are going before a date. Snapchat maps and similar services can help your friends
locate you. Text an hour or so into the date to let them know you are okay. Always make sure you
have an escape route just in case you do need to exit quickly. Debbie Rivers advises people to avoid
giving away too much personal information to strangers and to have a short voice chat with them
beforehand so they can decide whether to proceed with the date.

Social media and relationships

What is the influence of social media on ongoing relationships?
Some couples have found it hard to maintain privacy in the social media age. Tension can arise if
one partner shares more information about the relationship than the other is happy with. Dona
Murphy says not everything needs to be shared, no matter how good or bad it is, and that certain
things should stay between the two partners, keeping it “special and private”. Tina B. Tessina
suggests people should avoid comparing their relationship to the ones portrayed on social media.

Kevin Darné says online flirting has caused many problems within relationships, with some people
even reacting badly after seeing their partner “like” certain photos. He says many non-social media
users now expect their mates to avoid it too. Hashim Ilyas says problems can arise when someone
spends more time on social media than their partner approves of, especially when this results in
them receiving less attention. Some couples have clashed when one partner has prematurely gone
‘public’ with their relationship on social media.

When is the right time to show your relationships in social media?

Cognitive scientist and author Art Markman says couples need to decide how they want to
approach social media. Should one partner decide they don’t want information about their
relationship placed online, the other needs to respect this. He suggests couples should wait until the
relationship is properly established before it is acknowledged on social media. Wendy Newman
reminds individuals that once your new relationship status is mentioned on social media, it is more
or less officially “out-there”. This can be difficult for those who only want a select few people to
know about their dating activities. Hayley Quinn says “showing your relationship online is not a
necessity”, whilst Doc Love says you should “never” announce it. Hashim Illyas says it’s important
to let your friends and family know about the relationship before you make it official on social
media. There’s always a chance that one partner will use social media more than the other, so you
may well need to have a conversation about your approach to Facebook, Twitter and other services
to maintain a harmonious relationship.

How to define that you are using too much social media in relationships?
Art Markman urges couples to focus on the actual relationship rather than its social media presence.
According to Kevin Darné, couples should only communicate with each other via social media
when it is necessary to do so. Debbie Rivers suggests we should think carefully about “liking” our
ex’s posts once we are in a new relationship, and to avoid sharing relationship problems and
arguments online for the world to see. Hashim Ilyas says we should think about limiting our social
media use if our partner starts to comment on the amount of time we are spending on our phones
and the sites themselves.

Breaking up in the modern world

Why do people feel more confident breaking up via social media?
It often seems that people find it much easier to end a relationship online than they do in person.
Lauren Rosewarne says relationships that start online can be weaker because we are not normally
part of shared offline networks. This means ending the relationship either explicitly or simply
ghosting the other person is much more straightforward. Brie Shelly says most people just don’t
have the skills to navigate confrontation, which is why they tend to head straight to their phones
when they want to bring things to an end. Others may simply engage in practice of ‘ghosting’.

What is ghosting and what can it lead to?

In ghosting, someone ceases to respond to texts, messages and calls rather than telling them they no
longer want them in their lives. As technology creates distance between people, ghosting someone
is an easy way of closing something down, according to Art Markman. However, this behaviour is
often regarded as immature and cowardly. Markman urges people to learn to have difficult
conversations if they want to establish healthy relationship patterns. Kevin Darné says ghosting is
not actually a new phenomenon, and that people have always ended relationships by simply
ignoring the other person. He says the increased debate about ghosting is a result of more people
sharing their experiences online. Brie Shelly says ghosters can feel incredibly guilty and
uncomfortable when they are forced to face the other person, and that those on the receiving end
can feel considerable anxiety and stress, with their self-esteem taking a big dent too. It’s always
better to look to the future rather than the past when it comes your love life – though social media
has made it far too easy to see what it is happening in our former partners’ lives.

Keeping an eye on your ex's life through social media – what are the
consequences?
Social media has made it easier for us to find out what our exes are doing with their lives. However,
this can be dangerous. Art Markman recommends that social media users avoid looking at their ex’s
profiles. He says this behaviour can make it harder to move forward in life and can heighten
feelings of jealousy and anger. Tina B. Tessina says looking at your ex’s profile can result in finding
out things you are better off not knowing and can prevent you from letting go. Kevin Darné says
your current relationship could be in big trouble if you do visit your former partner’s profile and
your new mate discovers this. If your ex finds out, they could unfriend or block you, or they may
even report you if they think this is part of a wider pattern of stalking. Unless you genuinely now
see them as a platonic friend and are on good terms, it may well be best to stay away from their
profile.

Conclusion

Experts seem to agree that too much time on social media can be detrimental to a relationship. If
you do want your relationship to work, it may well be best to limit your time on social media and
ensure you are putting enough time and effort into making it a success. Try to avoid looking at your
ex’s profiles, think carefully about what you are posting if it is likely to offend or irritate your
partner and don’t feel rushed into becoming ‘official’ on social media when you do start a new
relationship.

Avoid comparing your love life to that of others and try to turn your phone off more often when
spending quality time with a partner. It is also best to use dating sites when you want to find love as
opposed to social media apps. Remember, when you look at someone else’s page you are viewing a
highly-curated highlights reel which may bear little resemblance to reality, so try to focus on your
own relationship and no-one else’s. By using social media responsibly and perhaps sparingly, you
can limit or eliminate any negative impact it has on your love life.

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