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"Ain't gunna happen, ain't gunna be no second referendum" -

Michael Gove

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Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* Vardy: The origin story
* Brexit Halloween with Ghoulia H-B
* PLUS: Autograph requests in writing, please

>> Dogs/bollocks <<

Strange stuff down under

It's been a while since there's been a properly mucky

scandal involving a reality star – so let's give thanks
and praise to Australia for this absolute humdinger.

There's currently some footage being circulated on

Facebook of a contestant from the Australian version of
The Bachelorette in which he stands stark naked,
 vigorously spinning his cock around helicopter-style.

Standard, laddish showing-off you might think. And, for

a while, it is.

But the video really takes a turn when a dog

unexpectedly bounds into shot and starts going to town
on the guy's balls.

Today is Donald Trump's 1,000th day in office.

>> Sun exposure <<

The Vardy origin story

In her statement of defence, Rebekah Vardy tried to

reason with Coleen Rooney by saying "I'm not being
funny, I don't need the money" – but surely Vardy knows
that money isn't the only reason a celebrity would
strike up a transactional relationship with the press.

To pick an utterly arbitrary example out of thin air:

let's say your partner had been heard directing a
racist slur towards a Japanese man in a casino back in
2015. An incident like that could cause quite a lot of
unwelcome turbulence.

But what if the Sun had some further details of this

event? Details that it chose not to publish. Video
evidence, for instance, that could have made life even
more difficult for a rising-star striker.

Obviously a paper that showed such kindness and

goodwill to a couple in a predicament like this may end
up expecting a favour or two offered in return.

Serialisation rights to his autobiography, perhaps? Or

 the odd insider story?

Rebekah Vardy appears to have hired the services of famed

libel specialists Kingsley Napley. The same legal team that
got fellow Rebekah – Sun supremo Rebekah Brooks – off her
phone-hacking charges.

>> Big Questions <<

Who's asking what this week?

Is #MeToo about to rock the Murdoch papers? The print

media's moment in the spotlight is long overdue and it
seems like people are getting ready to talk...

They say you need your own fund of 'Fuck You' money to feel
truly free in this world, but if you're earning less than
your male counterparts, how can you build it? The next
event in Makers' She Made It series addresses the topic of
finances, investment and money management for women, with
special guest speaker Emilie Bellet (the author of "You're
Not Broke You're Pre-Rich"). Thu 14th Nov, Shoreditch.
Popbitch readers get 50% off with code POP50
[Get your tickets here]

>> Second source <<

Further WAGgravation

Coleen Rooney isn't the only WAG that's been wondering

about leaks to the Sun. Kate Wright – the new Mrs Rio
Ferdinand – has been on a bit of a mole hunt recently
too.
 Rio and Kate went to great lengths to keep their
Turkish beach wedding under wraps so that their guests
could party in peace (and so that they could sell an
exclusive to OK!) – but in the run-up to their big day,
they started to notice some titbits about them
appearing in the Sun.

Their people couldn't work out who was behind it. One
of Rio's advisers was suspected and consequently frozen
out of the wedding plans. But now they're wondering if
maybe the source was the same one for all those Coleen
stories...

Never one to stay completely out of trouble, Gazza has been

smoking crafty tabs in the bogs at Teesside Crown Court
during the breaks of his trial.

>> Trick or treat? <<

Getting the best deal for Britain

With Brexit supposedly due to occur on October 31st,

Brexiteers are going to be forced to choose between
celebrating Halloween or celebrating Britain's glorious
emancipation from the oppressive shackles of the EU
(etc, etc...)

Except for Julia Hartley-Brewer, that is, whose regular

Halloween plans were pretty Brexit-y already.

Julia's neighbours have long stopped expecting a call

from her on October 31st. That's because for many years
Julia has chosen to take her daughter out trick-or-
treating in St John's Wood instead.

The neighbourhood there is stuffed to the rafters with

wealthy American families whose kids are enrolled at
 the nearby American School. As they all get properly
into Halloween each year, in true Yank style they offer
up a seemingly endless supply of premium goodies to
anyone who comes knocking.

A much better deal than the paltry presents her much

closer neighbours offer.

The Chinese city of Chongqing is the most surveilled place

on earth. 15m people; 2.5m security cameras. A camera for
every six people.

>> Loose lips <<

A hot button issue

Last week's Big Question about the two Loose Women who
once hooked up for a very one-sided session has caused
quite a commotion in our inbox. We've had MPs sniffing
around for clues; journalists, TV presenters, industry
people – all desperate to know who they were.

But our favourite email came from the agent of another

(different) Loose Woman, who was curious to know if we
were talking about their client. We weren't, but they
told us it "sounds like something she'd say" and that
they wouldn't be at all surprised if she'd "dabbled".

Spotted dining together in Kennington Tandoori yesterday:

Arlene Foster and Kate Hoey.

>> Derby hunts <<

The worst and biggest
 With Derby County's drink-driving footballers sentenced
this week, we can tell you a bit more about their big
night out.

* Captain Richard Keogh's debit card was rejected three

times in the pub when he went to pay the final £800 of
the bill.

* Staff said he started kicking off when he couldn't

get his card to work, with one of them labelling him
"the worst and biggest cunt" they'd ever dealt with.

* The bar bill from the evening's drinks was almost

three grand and included 75 Jagermeisters, 38 tequilas
and 54 sambucas.

If you're looking for an inspiring night out, on 29 October

and 13 November, Kensington Palace will be playing host to
innovative evenings that celebrate the diverse and vibrant
city we live in. There'll be demos, drinks, debates, DJs
and lively conversations with some of Britain's brightest
minds. These are brilliant nights with brilliant people.
[Info and tickets here]

>> Reply guy <<

Not in the family business

Normally it's the younger generation that gets called

upon to provide their elders with IT support, but
William Berners Lee – the nephew of Tim Berners Lee –
might want to give his uncle a call for a few pointers.

He's currently at university getting on with his

studies but last week the poor lad tried to reply to an
 email about his exams – and somehow accidentally ended
up sending it as a Reply All.

To his entire college.

Nominative Determinism of the Week: The Food Development

Manager of Ginger Pig butchers... Patrice Lardon!

>> Spicy Rice <<

It ain't easy being yellow

It's very thin gruel gossip-wise at Strictly this year.

Not a single sneaky shag to be heard of, so it seems as
if the infamous curse has finally been lifted – much to
everyone's boredom.

The only person that was spicing stuff up backstage was

Anneka Rice. She caused a bit of a ruckus when she was
presented with the outfit for her Kill Bill dance. She
was very unhappy that it was yellow (as per the
incredibly famous and iconic film) and was apparently
very determined to wear green instead.

Should have danced to Rainbow Connection then.

Does anyone know what's happened behind the scenes at the

Brits which has meant that Ted Cockle is no longer
replacing Jason Iley as chair – but David Joseph is?

>> The write stuff <<

How to channel Cilla
 It was no real surprise to learn that David Walliams
was the big contender for Cilla's spot as the frequent
flyer that cabin crews dreaded serving the most – but
the parallels between the two are closer than we first
realised.

Cilla's classic move on flights was to always have

someone else speak to cabin crew on her behalf, even if
the crew were addressing her directly (which once led
one attendant to frustratedly hiss the line "I knew she
couldn't sing, but I didn't realise she couldn't
fucking SPEAK!")

Anyhow, it seem Walliams is capable of similar stuff

down here on terra firma. Someone who tried asking for
an autograph a few months back was told by Walliams'
chauffeur that any requests for autographs needed to be
made in writing.

This week's Media Masters podcast is an interview with

Martin Bright, the investigative journalist whose reporting
forms the backbone of the new Keira Knightley movie
Official Secrets. In this chat, he talks about
whistleblowing, the dirty tricks of the Iraq War and how it
feels to have Matt Smith play you on the silver screen.
[Listen/Download on Media Masters]

>> Hmmms <<

Maradona, MS-DOS, bus farts

Kurt Cobain's MTV Unplugged sweater is up for auction

[Est. $30,000 price tag though]

Loads of MS-DOS games have just been put online to play

for free
[Tank your productivity!]
 Local News Of The Week: Bus Fart Apology edition
[Read on Derby Telegraph]

Everyday The Same Video Of Maradona Dancing To A

Different Song
[A self-explanatory Facebook page]

The brother of Jim Kerr is stalking Simple Minds' fans?

[Read on The Argus]

Albert Camus goes to Pret

[Read on Twitter]

Who is the serial poo jogger of Sydney?

[Rooney: get on the case]

Thanks to: RC, JS, WH, Dom Kaos, ROLO, J, D, RT, GB, R, JM,
WK, AD, NB, PD, JT

Old Jokes Home

What does John Bercow have with his cocktails?
HOOOORRRS D'OEUUVVRRRES!

Still Bored?
A great Twitter thread of modern pop conspiracies
[Enjoy them all]

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