Knights of the TM

No.9
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN
Dinner Table

“Two Dice For Sister Sara”

 Knights of the
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #9
“Two Dice For Sister Sara”
July, 1997
_______________
© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Dinner Table TM

Company, All Rights Reserved.

Knights of the Dinner Table™
comic is published monthly by
Kenzer and Company.
“Two Dice for Sister Sara”
Subscriptions: A one year
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Legal Notice: Knights of the
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SpaceHack, KODT, Hack Master,
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characters and likenesses thereof
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zerco.html
Submissions: We accept
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running anything that other
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Send a SASE for writer’s
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 Our Readers Talk Back!
Dear KODT,
It’s so nice to have you back! I’m enjoying each new
issue and they seem to be getting better and better. It
looks like the comic book has set out on a very exciting
adventure and I look forward to watching it unfold.
Regarding, The Gary Jackson Files, my vote is for
more! I thought the peek behind the scenes at Gary’s
company was hilarious. Settle an argument that has been
going back and forth in my group. Is the character Gary
Jackson based on Gary Gygax? Or is he based on Steve
Jackson? Both? Neither?
Inquiring minds are dying to know.
Chris Adams
via E-mail
Gary Jackson is actually a montage of various
personalities working in the game industry. More
accutrately, he’s based on the mythical-personalities in
the industry. I’ve borrowed a few bits here, a few more
from over there, created a few others, and woven it all
together into something that answers to the name, Gary
Jackson.
By his own words, Gary Jackson is his ‘own man’. If
certain aspects of Gary Jackson occassionally reminds
the reader of certain real-life personages than so be it.
For the record, however, I count both Mr. Gygax and
Mr. Jackson among my heroes and idols.
The trails they blazed have led all of us to bigger and
bolder adventures.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
Knights of the Dinner Table is my favorite gaming
magazine. I really get a kick out of reading Cries from
the Attic again. It was my favorite feature (besides
Knights of the Dinner Table of course) in Shadis
Magazine before you left.
You mentioned expanding the format of Knights in
the future. Any chance that some of the other classic
WAS’A MATTA
BUNKY??
Having trouble finding
your monthly dose of
KNIGHTS OF THE
DINNER TABLE???
Chart a course back
home!!! You can have
KODT delivered right to
your home port!!!
SUBSCRIBE!!!
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL
features from Shadis will pop up here? I would love to
see Joe Genero, Hook, Line and Sinker, etc.
Thanks for putting out a great magazine.
CryZoid
via email
We’ve been pressuring Jason Holmgren to revive Joe
Genero but he’s of the opinion he’s done all he can with
the strip and that coming up with new rule-quirks for
RPGs month to month would be a major feat.
Any fans out there who want to help encourage Jason to
come on board can email him at, jholmgre@nw.org. As far
as other ‘classic features’ we will be experimenting with
running various features and columns as part of KODT
including, Good, Bad, and the Ugly, Game Masters
Workshop, Hook, Line and Sinker, Close Encounters of a
Random Kind, Zine Scene, PlotWerks, etc.
Please note that such material will not replace any of
the KODT strips. The page count of the magazinewill be
bumped up to make room for the new features. In short,
you’ll be getting more for your buck.
As I’ve emphasized several times in past editorials, the
changes will be gradual with a very attentive ear to what
our readers want or don’t want. Remember, KODT is an
interactive-publicaton. We want to hear what our fans like
or don’t like about each issue. Email us or drop us a letter.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
If you're looking for suggestions...A particularly
obnoxious player was running a thief that we couldn't
do anything about, since the GM was ferocious about
alignments and we were (mostly) Chaotic Goods.
Then the thief decided to actually check out a door
down a dungeon corridor and told the party "I'm going
to check that door; cover me with arrows."
Unfortunately, he realized what he'd said just before
we got all our bows ready...
EBLC
via email
Return to Muskeegie
WELL DAVE AND I GOT TOGETHER AND DECIDED OUR CHARACTERS
OKAY! LAST WEEK YOU ALL VOTED TO START UP A NEW
WOULD BE BROTHERS. MY NAME IS WILLIE
CATTLEPUNK CAMPAIGN. SINCE ALL OF YOUR OLD
DERRINGER BUT I GO BY THE NAME YELLOWFEVER
CHARACTERS WERE KILLED IN THE STREETS OF
WILLIE. I WAS A CONFEDERATE SCOUT IN
MUSKEEGIE* CAMPAIGN, I ASKED YOU TO GO
QUANTRELLE’S RAIDERS. WHEN WE DISBANDED,
AHEAD AND CREATE NEW CHARACTERS!
I HEADED WEST TO HOOK UP WITH MY BROTHER. ONE THING LED
TO ANOTHER AND WE BEGAN PULLING BANKJOBS THROUGHOUT
THE TERRITORIES. I’M A QUICK-DRAW ARTIST - A LEFTY AT THAT.
I RIDE A PALAMINO MARE NAMED, RANGE FIRE AND I HAVE
SO WHY DON’T WE GO TWO APACHE SIDE-KICKS, THORN-IN-THE-KNEE AND
AROUND THE TABLE LITTLE-MAN-WHO-SLEEPS-IN-SHADOWS
SO EVERYONE CAN WHO I CALL LITTLE MAN FOR SHORT. OH, AND I HAVE A
INTRODUCE THEIR WOLF-DAWG NAMED GRIM REAPER.
NEW CHARACTERS

YELLOWFEVER WILLIE? WHAT A OKAY, MY CHARACTER IS NAMED, CLIFF DERRINGER, BETTER

STRANGE NAME. WHY DO THEY CALL YOU THAT?
ONCE WHEN I WAS A CONFEDERATE
SOLDIER I PURPOSELY EXPOSED MYSELF
TO YELLOWFEVER AND THEN MOVED
BEHIND THE ENEMY LINES INFECTING AS
MANY YANKIES AS POSSIBLE. I GOT A
METAL FOR UNCOMMON VALOR FOR THAT.
I’M SORRY I ASKED.
KNOWN IN THE TERRITORIES AS, CROSS-EYED CLIFF. I TOOK
BRIAN’S ADVICE AND TOOK A PHYSICAL-FLAW DURING THE
CREATION PROCESS SO I COULD EARN AN EXTRA FIFTY BUILDING POINTS.
THANKS BRIAN!!! THOSE EXTRA POINTS ALLOWED ME TO BUY DEAD-
EYE SHOT AS MY SHOOT-TO-HIT FACTOR. I RULE!!! I RIDE A
COMMANCHE BRED APPALOSA PONY NAMED, BRANDED WHO COMES TO
ME WHEN I WHISTLE, UNTIES KNOTS AND HAS FIND-WATER ABILITY.
WHAT A KEWL NICE CROSS-EYED??
CHARACTER!!! WAY TO CHARACTER! UH-OH...
GO CROSS-EYED!!

YOU SHOULD HAVE READ THE FINE PRINT ON THAT FLAW, MORON! AWW MAN, THOSE PHYSICAL FLAW
BEING CROSS-EYED AUTOMATICALLY GIVES YOU A CHARTS SUCK!!! WHAT GOOD ARE
MINUS TEN TO HIT MODIFIER. YOUR DEAD-EYE-SHOT THEY?? THEY ALWAYS TAKE SOMETHING AWAY
RATING GIVES YOU A PLUS FIVE SO YOU STILL HAVE A FROM YOUR CHARACTER!
MINUS FIVE TO HIT RATING. SORRY DUDE.
THAT’S WHY THEY’RE CALLED BETTER BUY A
MINUS FIVE TO FLAWS DAVE. FIGURE IT OUT. SAWED-OFF SHOTGUN
HIT??? HE WONT LAST FIVE DUDE. +5 TO HIT AT
MINUTES IN THE WILD WEST! CLOSE RANGE.

* See KODT#4: Streets of Muskeegie

4
 I’M PLAYING A ROMANIAN IMMIGRANT KNOWN AS STOGGIE-KATE!!! SHE CAME TO THE STATES
TO FIND HER YOUNGER BROTHER WHO CAME HERE FIVE YEARS EARLIAR AND WAS NEVER HEARD FROM
AGAIN. KATE FOLLOWED HER BROTHER’S TRAIL TO LARIME, KANSAS WHERE SHE LEARNED HE HAD BEEN
WELL, YOU MADE GUNNED DOWN IN A POKER FIGHT. SHE SMOKES CIGARS, HAS A VIOLENT TEMPER AND WEARS A DOUBLE-
HIM, YOU PLAY HIM HOLSTER PACKING A PAIR OF COLT DRAGOON FORTY-FOURS! I HAVE A FINELY=HONED
DUDE! SORRY. OKAY, BOWIE KNIFE TUCKED IN MY SNAKESKIN BOOTS AND A DERRINGER CONCEALED ON THE INSIDE OF MY HAT.
SARA LET’S HEAR
DRAGOONS??? LORD
ALL ABOUT YOUR WHOAH SARA!!! WE WERE IF I WEAR AN EYE- AMIGHTY, MISS KATE, THOSE
CHARACTER. AFRAID YOU WERE GOING TO PATCH WILL IT OFFSET ARE CANNONS!! NOT EXACTLY
BE A PROSPECTOR OR MY CROSSED EYES? WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A
HOMESTEADER AGAIN. LADY’S WEAPON OF CHOICE.
YOU’RE LOADED FOR BEAR!!!

WELL, IT DOESN’T LOOK I’M PLAYING A CHARACTER CALLED, BIG JIM MURDOCK. MY ONLY WEAPON IS A
LIKE I’M GOING TO GET COLT CLOVERLEAF DERRINGER WHICH I CARRY FOR PERSONAL PROTECTION. I
MY WISH AND END UP DECIDED TO TAKE GAME-LEG AND MALE-PATTERN BALDNESS AS MY
RUNNING A CAMPAIGN PERSONAL FLAWS. THIS GAVE ME 575 ADDITONAL BUILDING POINTS WHICH I APPLIED TO
FOR LAW=ABIDING THE FOLLOWING SKILLS; LAND SPECULATION, STOCKMARKET PLAYER,
CHARACTERS. (SIGH) LEGAL CONTRACTS & AGREEMENTS, ACCOUNTING & BOOK
OKAY BRIAN, LET’S KEEPING AND TO ROUND THINGS OUT I MAXED OUT MY SKILL IN HIGH
HEAR ABOUT YOUR EXPLOSIVES AND DETONATIONS. OH, AND I TYPICALLY WEAR A THREE-PIECE
CHARACTER. SUIT, SMOKE FINE CIGARS AND WEAR A BROWN DERBY.

HUH? WHAT WHAT A

THE HELL ARE WUSS!!
YOU UP TO??

BRIAN?? I’M IMPRESSED!!! IT APPEARS YOU ARE ACTUALLY WHO CARES??? APPARENTLY
ATTEMPTING TO PLAY A LAW ABIDING CHARACTER. MAYBE WELL CROSS-EYE, I CAN’T HIT THE BROAD SIDE OF A
THE OTHERS WILL LEARN A FEW THINGS FROM YOUR FINE LOOKS LIKE THE BARN!!! I HATE MY CHARACTER!
EXAMPLE. AFTER ALL, THIS IS THE WILD WEST, LAND OF DERRINGER I HATE HIM!
OPPORTUNITY. WITH YOUR SKILLS AND BACKGROUND YOU BROTHERS ARE
COULD REALLY BENEFIT SOCIETY AS THE WEST IS TAMED. ABOUT TO RIDE AGAIN!!!
AWH, DON’T CUT YOURSELF
SHORT, DAVE! I’M SURE YOU
COULD HIT A BARN.
WELL AS I STATED LAST WEEK,
THIS CAMPAIGN WILL BEGIN
FIVE YEARS PRIOR TO OUR LAST
CAMPAIGN. THAT WAY I CAN
STILL USE THE STREETS OF
MUSKEEGIE CAMPAIGN SET YOU
GUYS TRASHED.

5
AS THE ADVENTURE UNFOLDS...
I’M IN!!! THIS TIME I’M
WILLINGLY GOING DOWN THE
OKAY AS YOU WELL STOGGIE- OUTLAW TRAIL INSTEAD OF LETTING
ARE WALKING DOWN KA-CHING!!! YOU GUYS DRAG ME DOWN IT.
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE KATE?? YOU WITH
THE MAINSTREET OF US?? HOW ABOUT YOU
MUSKEEGIE, YOU PODNER!!! THE DERRINGER
GANG IS GOING TO ROB BIG JIM?? SORRY GUYS, NOT THIS
PASS THE SIERRA
MADRE BANK, ROB THE BANK!! TIME!!! I’VE BUSINESS
TO ATTEND TO. THANKS
GABBY’S GENERAL STORE
FOR ASKING THOUGH.
AND THE....

WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO KNOW ABOUT THE PLACE?? THORN-IN-THE-KNEE AND

OH COME ON
GUYS!! AT LEAST TAKE A
STROLL ABOUT THE TOWN SO I
CAN READ THE FLAVOR TEXT!!!
LAST TIME YOU GUYS NEVER
MADE IT PAST THE SALOON!!
WE SEE A BANK -WE ROB IT!!! LITTLE MAN WILL BE
THAT’S THE MOTTO OF THE DERRINGER GANG!!! WATCHING OUR HORSES
OKAY, STANDARD PROCEDURE!! WE KICK B.A., WHILE THEY’RE DOING
THE DOORS IN! I COVER THE TELLERS AND THEIR THING, I’M GOING TO
SARA WATCHES THE STREET WHILE BOB MOSEY OWN DOWN TOWARD THE
LOADS UP THE LOOT!! MARSHALL’S OFFICE.

AS THE CRIME PROGRESSES I’M SCANNING THE STREETS IN BOTH

I PUT MY HENRY DIRECTIONS!! IF ANYONE
AS ALRIGHT!! THIS WILL BE A SNAP!! REPEATER TO THE APPROACHES THE BANK I’LL KNOW
YELLOWFEVER I PULL OUT MY PEACEMAKER CUSTOMER’S BACK AND ABOUT IT!!
AND CROSS-EYE AND HOLLER OUT FOR EVERYONE TELL HIM TO HIT THE
RUN INTO THE BANK YOU TO RAISE THEIR HANDS. FLOOR!!!
DISCOVER THERE IS “THIS IS A HERE SARA, PASS THIS
ONLY ONE TELLER AND BANKROBBERY!!!! NOTE TO B.A.
ONE CUSTOMER. AND...UH...DON’T READ IT.

6
 OH GAWD!!! IT’S RED GURDY
DAVE AS YOU ORDER THE
PICKENS!!!! BUT HE’S DEAD!! WE BLEW HIM UP WITH
CUSTOMER TO LAY ON THE
THE REST OF MUSKEEGIE!!! FOUL! FOUL!
FLOOR HE SPINS AROUND
AND POPS YOU WITH AN WAIT A MINUTE!!!
IRISH LEFT-HOOK!!! THAT LAME ACCENT!!! YOU’RE FORGETTING ONE
“HOOT MON!!” HE IRISH LEFT-HOOK??? THING!! THIS CAMPAIGN TAKES WHO KNEW
CRIES OUT, “DAT’S MUH TIP- IT CAN’T BE!!! PLACE FIVE YEARS PRIOR!! NITROGLYCERIN
MONEY I WERE ABOUT TO RED IS BACK!! WAS SO POTENT??
DEPOSIT THERE! I CANNA
LET YA HAVE IT!!'

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER... OKAY, DAVE, YOU PALM-FIRE YOUR PISTOL AT RED FIRING FOUR
SHOTS!! THE FIRST SHOT HIT’S BOB IN THE BACK AS HE’S RUNNING FOR
OKAY BOB, YOU FAILED YOUR THE DOOR! THE SECOND SHOT HIT’S A DAWG ON IN THE ALLEY BEHIND
REACTION ROLL!! THE GAAAAA!!!! I’M THE BANK, THE THIRD SHOT HITS THE TOE OF YOUR BOOT (TAKE OFF 3
TELLER MANAGES TO GRAB GOING TO GO AHEAD AND POINTS OF DAMGE) AND THE LAST SHOT KILLS THE TELLER!!
YOUR PEACEMAKER AWAY TAKE THE FIFTEEN
DAMN FLAW CHARTS!!! SEE DAVE? YOU CAN HIT REALLY
FROM YOU!!! HE BUCKS OFF THE COUNTER
THIS GAME SUCKS!! WELL! JUST NOT WHAT YOU’RE
FRANTICALLY PISTOL AND RUN FOR THE DOOR.!! SHOOTING AT. (SNICKER).
WHIPS YOU FOR 25 POINTS
OF DAMAGE.

OKAY SUDDENLY THE BANK IS SURROUNDED BY A MOB OF DAAAMMNNNN!!! WHAT IS THIS??

FIFTY WELL ARMED AND DEPUTIZED MEN LED BY THE SWAT TEAM OF MUSKEEGIE???
MARSHALL ELY HIMSELF!!! THE BURST ON TO THE SCENE HOW THE HELL DID THEY REACT SO FAST??
THEY ORDER YOU TO LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND COME OUT
WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!! UH.....DIDN’T BRIAN SAY
YOU WOULD THINK THEY’D
BEEN TIPPED OFF OR SOMETHING ABOUT VISITING THE
SOMETHING. BUT THAT MARSHALL?? AND THERE WAS
WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE!! THAT MYSTERIOUS NOTE TO B.A.

7
 SORRY GUYS!!! IT WAS IN THE BEST YOU DIRTY SIDEWINDER!!! YOU’RE A
INTERESTS OF MY CHARACTER TO REPORT YOUR DEADMAN!!! YOU HEAR??? A DEADMAN!!!
NEFARIOUS PLOT TO THE MARSHALL!! ACCORDING TO
THE RULES THERE’S A STANDING 2,500 DOLLAR
REWARD FOR ANYONE WHO THWARTS A BANK YOU BETTER FIND A HOLE AND CLIMB IN IT YOU
ROBBERY!!! AND IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN, I WILL BE FRED-FLINTSTONE-LOOKING-
ENTITLED TO AN ADDITIONAL 500 GP BOUNTY FOR EACH BASTARD!! CAUSE I’M COMING AFTER YOU AND
PERSON APPREHENDED AS A RESULT OF MY ACTION!! HELL’S COMING WITH ME!!!! YOU HEAR???
THIS IS GREAT!!!
BE AFRAID,
BEING THREATENED
YOU DONE MESSED UP BRIAN!! BE
IN PUBLIC BY
WHEN YOU NARKED ON VERY
VILLIANS GIVES ME
THE DERRIGNER AFRAID!!
+25 TO MY
BROTHERS!!!
PRESTIGE!!

OKAY, WE’RE GONNA GO AHEAD AND SURRENDER.
SINCE LITTLE MAN AND THORN-IN-THE-KNEE WERE
WATCHING THE HORSES THEY CAN BREAK US OUT
LATER WHEN THE ODDS ARE A LITTLE BETTER!!
GOOD THINKING BOB!! RED GURDY PICKENS
ESCORTS THE THREE OF YOU OUT TO THE
MARSHALL WHERE YOU ARE
IMMEDIATELY LED OFF TO THE JAIL
RED GURDY!! THIS HAS GOT TO BE A RECORD!!! ROB A BANK,
THE LITTLE SUCK- ARRESTED AND JAILED IN THE FIRST TEN
UP!!! HE’S ON MY LIST MINUTES OF THE CAMPAIGN!!
TOO!! HE’S GONNA PAY AHHHH, THIS WILL WORK OUT
FOR THAT SUCKER- NICELY. WHILE YOU GUYS ARE
PUNCH!! TRYING TO BUST OUT OF JAIL I
CAN CONCENTRATE ON PUTTING
MY GAME PLAN INTO ACTION!!

OKAY B.A., THERE’S A REASON MY CHARACTER IS

CALLED BIG JIM MURDOCK!!! HE’S
DESTINED TO BE THE BIG MAN IN TOWN!!! I HAVE A
WHAT’S THAT?
LIST OF AGENDAS HERE SO LET’S GET STARTED.
FIRST OFF, I WANT TO COLLECT MY REWARD
MONEY!!! IT SHOULD SERVE NICELY AS MY LITTLE
GRUB STAKE FOR MY CLIMB TO THE TOP. THEN I’M
GOING TO PAY A VISIT
TO THE COUNTY
RECORDER’S OFFICE!!
RECORDER’S OFFICE IT’S A STANDARD DEPARTMENT IN ALL
EH? UH....UH... AMERICAN MUNICIPALITIES - DUH!!
AMONG OTHER THINGS THEY KEEP RECORDS
OF LAND OWNERSHIP AND DEEDS.
LAND? DEEDS? JUST A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN WITH AN ITCH
WHAT THE HELL FOR LAND SPECULATION!! THAT’S ALL!
ARE YOU UP TO?
GREAT!! THE GAME HAS TURNED
INTO POLITICAL SCIENCE 101

8
THIRTY MINUTES LATER...
OKAY THE CLERK IS TALLYING UP YOUR LAND PURCHASES. THAT’S 1,500 ACRES ALONG COME ON BRIAN! I KNOW YOU!!
WALLOWING BUFFALO CREEK, 75 ACRES OF LAND ON THE WESTERN SLOPE OF BUZZARD WHAT’S YOUR PLAN??
RIDGE, AND 300 ACRES OF FRONTAGE PROPERTY ALONG SANTA FE TRAIL. IT ALL ADDS UP TO
$3000 DOLLARS!!! YOU STILL HAVE $1000 LEFT FROM YOUR REWARD MONEY!! THE CLERK
LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY AS YOU PAY THE MONEY AND SIGN THE DEEDS!!! OKAY B.A., I’M GOING TO HIRE
LITTLE MAN AND
THORN-IN-THE-
NOT THAT I CARE BUT HAVE YOU YOUR NOT THE BIG MAN IN TOWN, KNEE TO DO A LITTLE
GONE LOCO BRIAN?? THERE’S A YOUR THE BIG IDIOT!!! WORK FOR ME!!
REASON THAT LAND WAS A BUCK AN
ACRE!!! IT’S WORTHLESS!!

I’M GOING TO BUY THEM A WAGON, A TEAM OF MULES, A HEY!!! YOU SIDE-KICK I SURE WISH YOU’D TOLD ME
COUPLE OF PICKS AND SHOVELS, A CASE OF NITRO, TWO THIEVIN’ BASTARD!!!! YOU WERE PLAYING A
CASES OF DYNAMITE, SIX KEROSENE LANTERNS, A MAP OF YOU CAN’T BOND WITH LITTLE MAN LAWFUL CHARACTER THIS
THE AREA AND A COMPASS. HMMMM....I’M ENTRUSTING AND THORN-IN-THE-KNEE!!! TIME BRIAN. I WOULD HAVE
THEM WITH A LOT HERE. LET’S SEE, I’LL GIVE THEM EACH JUMPED AT THE CHANCE TO
RIDE WITH YOU!
FIFTY DOLLARS POCKET I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!
MONEY AND A BOTTLE OF YOU’RE GONNA LET US DREAM ON JEZILBELL!
SCOTCH AS WELL. THAT ROT IN JAIL WHILE YOU THIS COWBOY DON’T
SHOULD GIVE ME A +5 ON PLAY CITIZEN CAIN?? RIDE WITH NO
THE HIRELING LOYALTY JAILHOUSE TRASH!!!!
TABLE ON PAGE 7.

OKAY BRIAN, YOU’VE OKAY, I’M INSTRUCTING THEM TO START MINING FOR GOLD ON THE PLOT OF LAND
EQUIPPED LITTLE I BOUGHT ON WALLOWING BUFFALO CREEK!! AS SOON AS FIND COLOR THEY ARE TO HIGH TAIL IT
MAN AND BACK TO TOWN AND TELL ME SO I CAN FILE MY CLAIM AS A TECHNICALITY.
THORN-IN-THE- ONCE THAT’S DONE I’LL HIRE A FULL CREW TO MAN THE MINES THERE WHILE I SHIFT OVER TO
KNEE. YOU MIND MY LAND ON BUZZARD RIDGE TO START A SILVER MINE.
TELLING ME WHAT THE
HELL YOU ARE PLANNING YOU IDIOT!!! THIS ENTIRE REGION IS SWARMING WITH YOU’RE WRONG
ON DOING? OR ARE YOU GOLD AND SILVER MINES!!! IF THERE WAS GOLD ON YOUR EINSTEINS!!
GOING TO KEEP ME IN LAND THEY WOULD HAVE FOUND IT YEARS AGO!! AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY!!
SUSPENSE ALL NIGHT??

GOOFUS!!

9
 GOLD AND SILVER WAS DISCOVERED IN MUSKEEGIE IN THE YEAR 1872!!! (PAGE 12, SECOND COLUMN,
FOURTH PARAGRAPH OF THE MUSKEEGIE BACKGROUND BOOK WHICH CAME WITH THE
CAMPAIGN SET!!) B.A. SAID THIS ADVENTURE IS FIVE YEARS PRIOR TO OUR LAST SESSION IN MUSKEEGIE WHICH
WAS SET IN THE YEAR 1876!! BY ANYONE’S MATH THAT MEANS THIS IS THE YEAR 1871!!! THE LAND I JUST BOUGHT
FOR A DOLLAR AN ACRE ENCOMPASSES VIRTUALLY ALL OF THE GOLD AND SILVER VEINS IN THE AREA!!!

YEAH, I HAD TO THROW B.A. OFF

CLEVER, VERY CLEVER!! YEAH! WHY THE SCENT ON WHAT I
BUT YOU COULDN’T LET YOUR FRIENDS CUT US OUT? WHY?
WHAAA...WHAAAT? WAS DOING. YOUR BANK
IN ON A GOOD THING COULD YA? JOB DISTRACTED HIM.

DAMN IT, BRIAN!!! AM I TO UNDERSTAND
YOU’VE READ THE MUSKEEGIE
CAMPAIGN BOOKS??? WHAT WERE YOU
THINKING??? OF ALL THE LOW, UNETHICAL
STUNTS YOU COULD PULL!!!!
HEY AFTER WE BURNED DOWN THE TOWN IN THE LAST
CAMPAIGN I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D EVER RUN IT AGAIN!!! HELL, ALL
I DID WAS FLIP THROUGH IT DOWN AT WEIRD PETE’S. I CAN’T
HELP IT IF I HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHIC NOGGIN!!

I GOTTA TELL YA BIG

GUY!! I’M REALLY, NOW BACK TO MY
REALLY AGENDA!! ACCORDING TO
DISSAPOINTED IN YOU!! MY NOTES THERE’S AN
ELECTION COMING UP.
I’M THROWING MY HAT IN
THE RING FOR MAYOR

AN HOUR LATER.... AWESOME!!! BRIAN HAS THE ABSOLUTE POWER CORRUPTS

COMPLETE CONTROL OF THE TOWN!!!! ABSOLUTELY!!! I DON’T LIKE THIS!!
OKAY, OKAY, YOU JUST BOUGHT THE
ELECTION!!! PROMISING 25 DOLLARS TO
HE’S THE GRAND MASTER OF
ANYONE WHO VOTED FOR YOU PRETTY MUCH OKAY I TAKE THE OATH
PLAYERDOM!!! WATCHING HIM
SWEPT YOU INTO OFFICE!! LITTLE MAN OF OFFICE, THROW A
PLAY IS LIKE WATCHING ALI BOX!!
WON THE ELECTION FOR TOWN MARSHALL PARTY, MINGLE AND
AND THORN-IN-THE-KNEE WON THE STUFF LIKE THAT.
POSITION OF TOWN TREASURER.

10
 AS MY FIRST OFFICAL ACT AS MAYOR, I WILL CALL A
TOWN MEETING. LITTLE MAN AND I WILL ANNOUNCE THAT
THE DERRINGER GANG IS INNOCENT!! THEY WERE ACTUALLY
ATTEMPTING TO OPEN A SAVINGS ACCOUNT WHEN THE
CONIVING, RED GURDY PICKENS ATTEMPTED TO ROB THE
BANK!!! LITTLE MAN ORDERS THE IMMEDIATE ARREST OF
RED. AS COMPENSATION FOR UNLAWFUL IMPRISONMENT I
AWARD EACH MEMBER OF THE DERRINGER GANG 5,000
DOLLARS AND A JOB ON THE TOWN PAYROLL!!!
NO HARD
FEELINGS, HUH
GUYS??
OH MAN!!! BEAUTIFUL!! I’M IN TEARS HERE!!! BRIAN, YA BIG
LUG!!! I COULD KISS YOU!!! YOU THE MAN!!! YOU
DEFINITLY THE BIG MAN IN TOWN!!!
YOU’RE THE GREATEST BRIAN!!!
I’LL TELL MY CHILDREN ABOUT THIS!!
SOMEBODY TAKE A PICTURE!!
YOU GET THIS PECULIAR GLOW IN
YOUR FACE AT MOMENTS LIKE THIS!!
YEAH, I LIVE FOR
MOMENTS LIKE THIS!!!

LATER THAT NIGHT... WE’RE GOING TO HANG AN INNOCENT

FOR THE LAST MAN?? I COULDN’T LIVE WITH MYSELF.
FOR CRYING OUT TIME, BOB. NO!!
LOUD! WHY DO YOU WANT TO
TESTIFY?? CROSS-EYED COME ON!!! IT WILL BE STAY OUT OF IT SARA!!! OR
CLIFF IS THE RESIDING JUDGE!!! DRAMATIC!!! I WANT TO HEY, AS JUDGE, THERE’S A SHOVEL WITH YOUR
YOU ALREADY KNOW HE’S GOING BATTLE WITS WITH THE CAN I OVERRULE NAME ON IT DOWN AT THE
TO FIND RED GUILTY!!! THE DEFENSE TEAM!!! A GM’S CALL?? MOLLY HATCHET
MINE!!!

COME HANG OUT WITH

HEY HACK-JOCKIES!!!! US ON THE GREAT
INFORMATION
HIGHWAY!!
VISIT OUR WEBSITE!!!
http://members.aol.com/relkin/kenzerco.html
If you’re on AOL check out the
K N I G H TS O F T H E

D I N N E R TA B L E F O R U M .
(go keyword GCS. Click on Publications and then enter the KODT Folder)

11
+;
FOR
NOT IVIMPS1
50o/omore carnagethan
AdvancedSEaEellaEk!@6$ Edition.

@ L.qa ot.. s!.eN{r i ,tda.,

Iffirffi-l
Hard I Enbrprises @
Wh6t do you wanl lo Hack loday?''
i.!i9:aT,-r..rs..- :.r,i rgqrEr.ie,! eo :i
The Straight and Narrow Story suggested by Daniel dubravetz

WEIRD PETE’S
PROBLEMS???
WHAT SORT OF PROBLEMS
ARE YOU HAVING B.A.???
OFFICAL HACKMASTER™
TOURNEY SITE
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OPE
N
SPELLJACKED
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Lunar Lander, Vic-Invaders, and many MEET EARL
more! GET YOUR DICE
SLACKMOZER
REFURBISHED
THIS
HERE!
SATURDAY!!

WHAT ELSE?? IT’S MY PLAYERS!!! TIME AND TIME AGAIN THEY WRESTLE CONTROL OF
THE GAME AWAY FROM ME!!! I SPEND HOURS EACH WEEK PREPARING AWESOME ADVENTURES AND
THEY CONSTANTLY STRAY OFF COURSE ON TANGENTS AND SCREW EVERYTHING UP!!! THEY GOT A
NAME FOR
HMMM...CLASSIC CASE OF RUBBER BALL- IT??? THANK
CAMPAIGN SYNDROME!!! YOUR GAWD!!! IS
PLAYERS ARE BOUNCING OFF THE FLAVOR TEXT & THERE A
WALLPAPER AND LOSING SIGHT OF THEIR REMEDY??
OBJECTIVES!!

ARMWRESTLE
THE MONKEY!!!!
A BUCK A TRY!!

YOU BET!!! GRAB A COPY READ APPENDIX J: THERE ARE BACK HELL, PUT IT
OF GARY AGAIN: MASTERING THE ON MY MOM’S
JACKSON’S LINEAR ADVENTURE!!! I THINK IT’S CREDIT CARD!!!
HACKMASTER: EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SOLVE THAT LITTLE I’VE GOT TO TRY
MANUAL OF PROBLEM. UNFORTUNATELY IT’S OUT OF PRINT SO I’M SOMETHING!!
ADVENTURE SELLING IT FOR 20% ABOVE THE LIST PRICE!!
WEAVING!!

ARMWRESTLE
THE MONKEY!!!!
A BUCK A TRY!!

13
THE FOLLOWING WEEK...
OKAY, THE KING TELLS YOU HE WILL
HEY BOB, HAGGLE WITH KINGY-
PAY YOU A 5,000 GOLD PIECE
REWARD IF GO TO SLATE CANYON
CASTLE ANDSLAY THE EVIL
WIZARD WICKE AND RETURN THE
SACRED SPATCHULA OF
HARFANG TO HIM.
HMMMM, HE MUST
WANT THAT SPATCHULA
PRETTY BAD TO BE OFFERING
THAT KIND OF BOUNTY!!!
DAVE, CUT IT OUT!!! WE’VE JUST BEEN
GIVEN THE SET-UP FOR THE ADVENTURE.
BOY AND DISTRACT HIM
SO LET’S GET TO IT!!!
WHILE I CHECK OUT THOSE
TAPESTRIES ON THE WALL.
MAYBE I CAN SHOVE ONE IN HEY I’M GOING TO TRY AND
MY BACKPACK. ARE THERE IMPRESS THE KING WITH MY
GEMS ON THE THRONE, B.A.?? KNOWLEDGE OF COURTLY
ANY GOLD CANDLESTICKS?? AFFAIRS?? IS HE IMPRESSED??
REMEMBER I HAVE A PLUS FIVE
PRESENCE FACTOR!!

UH-HUH! THERE GOES HEY WHAT GIVES???? I WAS PLANNING ON GOING

THE KING’S PERSONAL
THE RUBBER BALL!! BACK TO THE STABLE AND SLAYING THAT
MAGE STEPS FORWARD AND
LET’S SEE IF I WASTED BLACKSMITH WHO SHORT CHANGED US!
CRIES OUT, “YOU HAVE
THIRTY BUCKS.
YOUR ORDERS!!! NOW BE
OFF WITH YOU!!! AND DON’T COME ON, LET’S
THIS SUCKS!!! I
COME BACK UNTIL YOU’VE GO FIND THAT
COULD’VE CLEANED UP IN
FINISHED THE JOB!!!” HE EVIL WIZARD!!!
THAT THRONE ROOM!!!
RAISES HIS ARM AND YOU
FIND YOURSELF
TELEPORTED BESIDE A
WILDERNESS TRAIL

THE ROAD IS LINED WITH DENSE FOREST?? WHAT’S THAT ALL

RIGHT WHERE YOU ABOUT?? MAYBE SOMETHING IS HIDDEN ON
DENSE FOREST LAND ON
ARE STANDING YOU THE OTHER SIDE OF THOSE TREES??
I’M LOOKING EACH SIDE. IN THE OPPOSITE
NOTICE A ROAD
AROUND. WHAT DIRECTION YOU CAN SEE THE YEAH, THOSE TREES SEEM A
SIGN. IT READS
ELSE DO WE SEE?? KING’S CASTLE ABOUT A
SLATE BIT STRANGE. DENSE HUH??
MILE AWAY.
CANYON 25 I’M CASTING A SCRYING
MILES!!! SPELL ON THEM!!

14
 (SIGH) SORRY GUYS!! A
YOUR SCRYING LARGE TREE WELL LA-DE-DA!!! SCRYING SPELL
SPELL IS HMMMM....I’M BLOCKS YOUR WE WALK AROUND THE DIDN’T WORK HUH??
USELESS ON THE ARMING MY CROSSBOW WAY!!! LARGE TREE. HMMMM...
TREES BRIAN. DAVE AND I SOMETHING
AREWALKING INTO THE GUYS, IT’S JUST SOME DEFINITELY
FOREST!!! WE’LL BE TREES. LET’S FOLLOW THE STRANGE HERE.
LOOKING AROUND... ROAD TO THE EVIL WIZARD!!

ANOTHER LARGE TREE BLOCKS HUH??? WHAT DID I TELL YOU GUYS??? THERE’S SOMETHING
YOUR WAY!!! LOOK GUYS - THIS FOREST IS DENSE!! BEHIND THESE TREES. I GOT A GUT FEELING ABOUT IT!!!
REALLY DENSE!!!! IN FACT IT’S DOWNRIGHT
IMPASSABLE!!! OKAY?? YOU KNOW IT, DUDE!!! I’M
GOING TO USE MY
HACKMASTER +12 LIKE AN OH LORD!! LET IT
AXE AND START BLAZING GO GUYS!!!
A TRAIL!!!

AN HOUR LATER.... (SIGH) I’M SITTING IN THE

SHADE OF A TREE AND
FERK-DING OH YEAH!! WE’RE DEFINITELY ON THE BY THE WAY, DO WE SIMPLY WATCHING B.A.
BLAST!!! OKAY YOU FELL RIGHT TRACK!!! YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET EXPERIENCE
THE LARGE TREE ONLY TO FIND HAVE PUT A LABEL ON IT B.A.!!! IT’S POINTS FOR TREES?? I’M ATTEMPTING TO
ANOTHER LARGE OBVIOUS SOMEBODY DOESN’T WANT DISBELIEVE THE
TREE BLOCKING US GETTING PAST THESE TREES!!! DENSE FOREST!!!!
YOUR WAY!!!! YOU NEVER KNOW.

15
TWO HOURS LATER....
SORRY!!! A WALL OF
NO, THERE FRIGHTENLY HIGH
OKAY, YOU’VE ARE TALL CLIFFS PREVENT YOU
I’M GOING TO CHECK OUT THE FROM GOING MORE
JUST COMPLETED TEN MOUNTAINS MOUNTAINS. MAYBE THERE’S A
OKAY, THAN A FEW YARDS
MILES!! THERE’S A ROAD ON EACH SIDE CAVE OR SOMETHING UP THERE.
WE’RE LOOKING OFF THE ROAD.
SIGN THAT READS, OF THE ROAD
AROUND AGAIN. ARE
SLATE CANYON NOW!!!
WE STILL IN THAT HMMMM...IT’S ALMOST AS
15 MILES.
STUPID IF SOMEBODY DOESN’T WANT US
FOREST?? LEAVING THE ROAD.

HELL I’M A THIEF!!! I’LL CLIMB UP THE CLIFFS LIKE THIS IS VERY STRANGE. TREES THAT GROW SO CLOSE TOGETHER YOU
A FLY ON WALLPAPER!!! WHAT DO I SEE!! CAN’T MOVE BETWEEN THEM. CLIFFS OF SLIPPERY OIL. TELEPORTING
ZONES THAT THROW US BACK ON THE ROAD IF WE LEAVE IT.
SORRY BOB!!! THE CLIFFS ARE OH I AIN’T
COMPOSED OF A RARE FORM BELIEVING THIS!! I CAN’T STAND IT!!!
OF COAL WHICH SEEPS A IT’S MAKING MY
SLIPPERY OIL!! YOU FALL HEAD HURT!!!
AND TAKE 20 POINTS OF
DAMAGE!

TWENTY MINUTES LATER... THERE’S SOMETHING MAY THE SAINTS OF

ROTTEN GOING ON FAIR-PLAY FORGIVE
BEHIND THAT GM US!! LET’S BREAK THE PLAYER
GREAT!!! YOU’VE FINALLY REACHED SLATE CANYON
SCREEN!!! CODE OF CONDUCT AND HAVE A LOOK-
CASTLE!!!! LET’S TAKE A BREAK WHILE I FEED THE
SEE AT B.A.’S MAP.
CAT AND THEN WE CAN RESUME THE ADVENTURE!!
THIS REALLY
SUCKS!!! I FEEL ALL DO YOU THINK
HEMMED IN!!! I CAN’T THAT’S A GOOD
INCREDIBLE!! THEY BREATHE!! IDEA??
FOUGHT IT TOOTH
AND NAIL BUT I’VE
MANAGED TO KEEP
THEM IN LINE WITH
THE ADVENTURE.

16
 Slate Canyon
Castle

ins
nta )
CHECK
o u ible
e M pass
THIS CRAP
OUT¡¡¡¡
g ins
Hu (im ta
un ible)
o
ge Mpass
Hu (im

e s t
Fo r
nse
De s ible)
sa
(imp re s t
e Fo
ns )
De ss ible WHAT
A DIRTY
a
Harfang
(imp ROTTEN
TRICK!!!

Castle

HOURS LATER....
MEEEEEERRRROOOOOOOWWW!!!
NOTE TO SELF. AS SOON AS
SOMEBODY CUTS ME DOWN GO HURT
WEIRD PETE!!! HURT WEIRD MEANWHILE, PRAY THE CAT
PETE REALLY BAD!!! DOESN’T ATTACK AGAIN.

HISTORICAL NOTE: THIS INCIDENT, LED DIRECTLY TO THE WHAT HAS COME TO BE KNOWN IN LOCAL
GAMING CIRCLES AS, THE GREAT POLYHEDRON BATTLE. B.A. FELTON WAS CREDITED
WITH THROWING THE FIRST DIE IN THIS INFAMOUS DICE-BATTLE. THE RESULTS WERE TWO SCRATCHED
RETINAS, A CHIPPED TOOTH AND NUMEROUS PAPER CUTS. CLUB RECORDS INDICATE THAT 72 DOLLARS
AND SIXTY FOUR CENTS WERE PAID OUT FROM THE TREASURY FOR A NEW KITCHEN TABLE.
17
 Love and the Gaming Table
By Kelly C. L’Roy

T
hree or four years ago I was playing regularly in an AD&D group which met regularly every Sunday night.
TALES FROM THE TABLE
In this group was myself, my friend Mike (usually the DM), David, Ben, and James (who occasionally
served as DM). The five of us guys were the core group although occasionally other players would drift in
and out of the group as time went by.
One night, Mike invited a girl named Lucy to play with us. Time has dimmed my memory as to how he knew
her or where they had met. Suffice it to say, she was new to role-playing, newto AD&D, and, well, pretty much
right off the ol' turnip truck as far as role-playing games went. She wanted to play,however, and she actually did a
very good job once she learned the ropes.
My little story isn't so much an anecdote as it is a time-spanning synopsis. When Lucy started playing with us,
she was single and unattached. James and myself were the only guys in the group who weren’t already involved in
a relationship.(I had a steady girlfriend and James was married.)
On Lucy's very first evening playing with the group, both Ben and David were all over her(figuratively),
constantly offering assistance, and advice, much to the annoyance to the rest of us
. Before too long, they were one-upping each other in their characters’ accomplishments and their level of
unsolicited advice. As th eevening wore on, they got louder and more obnoxious, finally shouting
"humorous"comments and bad plans, trying desperately to get the last word in.
They thought they were "helping" poor Lucy, by constantly telling her what to do in thegame, pointing out little
things that even a novice would surely know, such as, "Tell the Dungeon Master you want to search the room,"
and, "When youroll to hit, you want a high number."
Several times we had to calm them both down, just so the neighbors wouldn't start complaining (which they
tended to do even at our normal volume). To me and my girlfriend (who happened to be there that particular
evening, although she was not playing) it was extremely funny. To our knowledge, neither Ben nor David had ever
had an actual date (and I had known Ben for a couple of years). No one else at the table seemed to notice this odd
behavior, but it may have just been too uncomfortable asituation to mention it at the time.
Despite all this (or perhaps because of it) Lucy and Mike started dating,much to the chagrin of Ben and David,
who were not friends outside of the gaming group. However, after they found out, they became as thick as thieves
in their silent dislike toward Mike. Their attentions to Lucy cooled noticeably as well, quite rightly. She was, after
all, now ‘taken’.
More importantly, Mike was the DM, and could make their characters' lives hell if provoked. So they backed
off. A few more weeks went by, and Lucy and Mike broke up amicably. She was still playing in the group, and
once again Ben and David were mutual rivals. Their previous animosity to Mike was forgotten. It was a tightly
contested fight but it looked like David was winning.
Afterall, according to him, they were apparently "dating". Oddly enough, Lucy never really seemed to be aware
ofit. They had an odd relationship during gametime, as David would make certain remarks that Lucy would ignore,
which an actual girlfriend would ‘not’ ignore. He would have his character do special things for her character, but
she never reciprocated.
Still, he kept telling us the two of them were dating. Once, she was going out of town for the weekend and asked
him to check in on her cat. David made a point of mentioning this at the game session she missed, about how he
had her key and had slept over at her apartment on several occasions. What he left out was the fact that he had slept
on her couch (clearly not what he had intimated although he had never specifically said they had slept ‘together’).
Later, when she returned, had to ‘pointedly’ ask him to give back her sparekey. Unfortunately for David, she did it
in front of the group. But it didn't seem to deter David in the least.
The final straw for her was when he took her home to meet his parents, and introduced her as his girlfriend. This
was a complete surprise to Lucy. She finally had to break off a relationship that didn't even exist! She had had no
idea that he considered them a couple (or so she implied. To be fair to Dave, we kind of think she'd been using him
to a certain extent).
David had all the makings of a great stalker; even long after they "brokeup" he would still come up to me,
getting all wistful while watching Lucy walk by, and mumble things like, "Man, I miss her," "Do you think she'll
ever come back to me?" and "It's tough being a nice guy." He kind of scared me.
As time went by, Lucy made the rounds through all the available guys in the group.and started dating Ben.
Now Ben was a real free spirit, and didn't exactly believe in personal hygiene, but Lucy was exceptionally anal-
retentive andfixed him right up. We immediately noticed a major improvement in Ben (in more ways than one) and
his "hen-pecked factor" shot to the top of the scale,at least according to Mike (who ought to know since that was
the main reasonhe'd broken up with Lucy in the first place). But Ben didn't seem to mind, in fact he seemed to
thrive on being told what to do, and we all secretly suspected that it was just what he'd needed all along.
Eventually the group split up, and the last I heard Ben and Lucy had gotten married, moved to Kansas, and now
they're divorced. Of the rest, they all drifted off into the background of life, and I haven't seen any of them except
Mike since. He's still single, and still DMing. And it's all true. I couldn't invent anything as convoluted as the way
it really happened.❑
IN YER FACE EVERY MONTH!!!

KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the
Dinner Table
TM
No. 10
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN

LET THE DICE FALL WHERE THEY MAY

Be Sure to Reserve Your Copy of the Next Issue

at your favorite Game or Comic Shop!!
GameMaster of the Realm Story suggested by Christopher heath and Mark Sano

YEAH!!! DID YOU I STILL DON’T SEE WHAT

HEY B.A.! DID YOU HEAR??? EVERYONE THE BIG DEAL IS!!
HEAR THE BIG DOWN AT WEIRD
NEWS??? HUH?? DID PETE’S IS TALKING
SO....IS EVERYONE READY YA?? HUH?? ABOUT IT!!! DUH!!!! IT’S NOT EVERYDAY A
FOR TONIGHT’S GAME?? GAMEMASTER WITH NATIONAL
HACKMASTER TITLES MOVES TO
DELAWARE COUNTY!!!!

HUH? WHAT THE HELL WE’RE TALKIN’ ABOUT EARL (YAWN) HE WAS STRUTTIN AROUND THE
ARE YOU GUYS BABBLING SLACKMOZER!!!! HE JUST MOVED TO HACKMASTER DISPLAY TRYING
ABOUT??? NATIONAL MUNCIE!!! HE TRANSFERRED TO BALL U TO IMPRESS ALL THE JUNIOR
HACKMASTER TITLES?? FROM SAGINAW TECH!!!! HACKJOCKIES!
WHO? WHEN???
HERE??? HEY THE MAN HAS A RIGHT TO BE
WE RAN INTO HIM DOWN
PROUD. FOUR OF HIS HACKMASTER
AT WEIRD PETE’S
TOURNEY ADVENTURES HAVE BEEN
YESTERDAY!!
PUBLISHED BY GARY JACKSON!!

SLACKMOZER?? SLACKMOZER??? OH YES, I WHAT? YOU JEALOUS OR SOMETHING B.A?? HUH??

REMEMBER HIS NAME NOW. HE WROTE MODULE G7, FEELING A LITTLE THREATENED HAVING A
GNOME UPRISING!. A PRETTY WEAK GRANDMASTER ENCROACHING ON YOUR TERRITORY??
ADVENTURE IN MY OPINION. JUST ANOTHER GARY
WANNA-BE TRYING TO MAKE A NAME FOR HIMSELF
SLINGING DICE AND GRAPH PAPER. JEALOUS? ME? NO WELL WEIRD PETE SURE
WAY!! I’M JUST SAYING THINKS HIGHLY OF HIM.
EARL’S WORK ISN’T UP TO AND SO DOES NITRO!!
SNUFF THAT’S ALL.

20
 WEIRD PETE IS LETTING EARL HAVE THE BACKROOM MAN WE WERE
ON SATURDAY AFTERNOONS TO RUN HIS REALLY LUCKY WE IT WASN’T EASY EITHER. EARL MADE ALL
HACKMASTER CAMPAIGN. YOU SHOULD HAPPENED TO BE ENTRANTS TAKE A WRITTEN TEST OF
SEE THE SIGN-UP LIST!!!! THERE WERE ONLY TEN THERE WHEN THE HACKMASTER BASIC
PLAYER SLOTS AVAILABLE AND THEY WENT FAST. LIST WENT UP. ALL KNOWLEDGE AND
THERE’S OVER 45 PEOPLE ON THE FOUR OF US EXPERIENCE.
STAND-BY LIST. MANAGED TO MAKE HE EVEN WEIGHED OUR DICE
THE CUT FOR AND TESTED THEM FOR
EARL’S CAMPAIGN!! ACCURACY AND
TRUE=ROLLING

THE MAN REALLY

CARES!!! HE REALLY
DOES.

WHOAH, WHOAH, YOU’VE BEEN MOANING AND WHINING LATELY ABOUT BEING BURNT
WHOOOOAAAAHHH!! YEAH, SO WHAT?? OUT GMING. THIS WAY WE STILL GET OUR WEEKLY DOSE OF
HOLD ON THERE! AM I TO WE PLAY ON HACKMASTER IF YOU WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF.
UNDERSTAND YOU’VE ALL SIGNED THURSDAYS, EARL’S
UP FOR ANOTHER GAME IS ON SATURDAY. I JUST WANT TO SEE WHAT SORRY B.A.!!! THE
HACKMASTER THERE’S NO CONFLICT!!! ALL THE HYPE IS ABOUT MAN IS RUNNING
CAMPAIGN??? UNDER WITH THIS GUY. HACKMASTER!!
ANOTHER I GOTTA BE THERE.
GAMEMASTER???

COME ON GUYS!! WE’VE BEEN THROUGH
THIS CRAP BEFORE!!! DO I HAVE TO
REMIND YOU WHAT HAPPENED WHEN
BOB AND DAVE DECIDED TO PLAY
VAMPYRE* WITH THOSE GUYS ON
THE WEST SIDE?? AND HOW ABOUT
THE TIME NITRO FERGUESEN RAN THAT
ADVENTURE BASED ON
DELIVERANCE??*
BACK OFF JACK!!! WE PROMISED NEVER TO DISCUSS THE
DELIVERANCE THING AGAIN!!! I DON’T WANNA GO THERE.
WELL THE VAMPYRE THING WAS PRETTY KEWL!!! I COULD HAVE BEEN
DARKLORD OF INDIANA BY NOW IF MY DAD HADN’T INTERFERRED!!
WE TOLD YOU THE BLACK LIPSTICK WAS YOU HAVE A POINT THERE,
GOING TO GET YOU IN TROUBLE, DAVE. B.A. BUT WE’RE TALKING
ABOUT EARL SLACKMOZER!

* See KODT Issue 2: Lords of Darkness

* See KODT Issue 3:Dueling GameMasters 21
 THE MAN HAS CREDENTIALS!! HE’S RAN
SANCTIONED HACKMASTER TOURNAMENTS FOR 8 YEARS AND
VARIOUS HACKCONS, NOT TO MENTION GARYCON ITSELF.
BESIDES, WE’VE BEEN PLAYING IN A BUBBLE HERE. MAYBE
THIS EARL HAS A FEW NEW TRICKS OR TECHNIQUES THAT
WE CAN BRING BACK TO THE GROUP.
REALLY?? I DON’T HAVE TO BANG MY
HEAD ON THE TABLE OR THROW A
MAJOR TANTRUM??
YOU’RE REALLY NOT GOING TO PLAY
WITH EARL??? (SIGH)
THANKS GUYS!!! IT’S REALLY IN THE
BEST INTERESTS OF THE GROUP!!
OKAY, SO ONWARD
WITH TONIGHT’S
ADVENTURE!
THE WEATHER WAS SO NICE HUH? UH....ER...OH,
SATURDAY AFTERNOON I UH...UH...I WAS
THOUGHT I’D BREAK OUT THE HELPING MY DAD
PAINT-BALL GUNS AND GET A CHECK THE AIR IN HIS
RADIATOR. AND UH,
GAME OF CAPTURE THE FLAG
ROTATING THE
GOING OVER AT VIRGIL GULLY.
BRAKES. WE DO THAT
STRANGELY ENOUGH, I COULDN’T
EVERY SUMMER.
GET HOLD OF ANY OF YOU GUYS.
WHERE WERE YOU?
I MEAN IT GUYS!!! I DON’T WANT YOU PLAYING
WITH THIS EARL-DUDE. IT’S NOT RIGHT!!! THERE’S AN UNSPOKEN
BOND BETWEEN A GAMEMASTER AND HIS PLAYERS. IT’S
SACRED!! YOU WOULDN’T ROLL SOMEONE ELSE’S DICE. AND YOU
WOULDN’T LET SOMEONE ELSE PLAY YOUR CHARACTER WOULD
YOU:?? IT JUST ISN’T DONE. EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! DON’T CRY. WE DIDN’T
KNOW YOU FELT SO STRONGLY ABOUT IT. IF IT’S
THAT BIG A DEAL WE WON’T PLAY WITH EARL.
YEAH, DUDE. NO WE’LL JUST STAND
PROBLEEMO!! EARL UP. WHO’S HE
TO US ANYWAY?
OKAY, WE
DROP EARL.
THE FOLLOWING WEEK...
UH...BEFORE WE START TONIGHT’S GAME THERE’S A
LITTLE MATTER WE NEED TO DISCUSS. BUT FIRST I
HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FOR YOU GUYS!
I ATE SOME BAD MEAT I WAS...I MEANT I WENT TO.... (SIGH) I
AND SPENT THE CAN’T LIE TO YOU B.A. I WAS PLAYING IN
WHOLEDAY AT THE EARL’S GAME DOWN AT WEIRD PETE’S.
EMERGENCY ROOM.
I FRIED THE MOTHER-BOARD ON
MY GONDO X35. SPENT THE
WHOLE WEEKEND GETTING MY
BBS BACK ONLINE.
22
WELL, AT LEAST SARA WAS HONEST WITH ME!!! WHEN I
COULDN’T FIND ANYONE TO PLAY PAINT BALL I DECIDED TO
GO AHEAD AND PAINT SOME MINIATURES. UNFORTUNATELY, I
RAN OUT OF SY-35 FLESHTONE AND DECIDED TO RUN DOWN SEE??? I TOLD YOU
TO WEIRD PETE’S AND PICK UP ANOTHER BOTTLE. WE SHOULD HAVE
LOW AND BEHOLD!!!! WHO DO YOU THINK I SAW IN THE PUT A CURTAIN UP!!!
BACKROOM TOSSIN’ DICE WITH OH MAN!! I KNEW HE’D FIND
EARL SLACKMOZER??? WE’RE OUT SOMEHOW. I
BUSTED!!! JUST KNEW IT.

WELL WE JUST WENT HE ASKED US WHY AND WE TOLD HIM SOME OF THE THINGS YOU
WELL?? YOU
WITH THE INTENTION OF SAID ABOUT HIM. YOU KNOW, THAT HE WAS A GARY-WANNA-BE AND
BLATANTLY LIED TO
SPECTATING. WHEN EARL THAT HE WASN’T UP TO SNUFF. MAN, THE DUDE WENT BALLISTIC!!!
ME AND WENT AGAINST MY
ASKED US WHY WE THEN HE STARTED HYPER-VENTILATING AND WENT INTO A SIEZURE!
WISHES!!! DO YOU CARE TO
WEREN’T PLAYING WE
EXPLAIN YOURSELVES??? WHEN HE CAME TO, HE
TOLD HIM YOU HAD YEAH, WE FELT
FORBIDDEN US TO DO SO. GUILTED US INTO PLAYING. OBLIGATED TO SIT IN
ON HIS GAME

YOU TOLD HIM DON’T WORRY, B.A.!! HE CALMED HE SAID THAT PRO-LEVEL GAMEMASTER’S LIKE HIMSELF
WHAT??? DOWN LATER. HE ASKED A LOT ARE CONSTANTLY GETTING FLACK FROM THE AMATUERS
BALLISTIC??? FOR OF QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU AND
CRYING OUT LOUD YOU HOW YOU RAN YOUR SESSIONS.
AFTER THAT HE SAID HE YEAH HE WAS A LITTLE INSULTING HE SAID HE’D
MORONS!!! YOU’RE NOT
UNDERSTOOD WHY YOU WOULD ABOUT IT. WE TOLD HIM ABOUT BE GLAD TO
SUPPOSED TO RELAY PRIVATE
FEEL SO THREATENED AND OUR LAST CAMPAIGN WITH YOU GIVE YOU SOME
CONVERSATIONS AND OPINIONS
INTIMIDATED BY HIM. AND HE SAID IT SOUNDED, “CUTE”. POINTERS
OUTSIDE THE GAMING TABLE.
THOUGH, B.A.
GEEEEESH!!!

23
 B.A. YOU SHOULD REALLY GET TOGETHER WITH EARL SOMETIME AND
COMPARE NOTES!! HE’S AWESOME!!! HE EVEN TAKES ACTING
LESSONS AND DRAMA CLASSES SO THAT HIS NON-
PLAYER CHARACTER PORTRAYALS ARE MORE CONVINCING.

HE HAD US SOBBING LIKE BABIES WHEN HE DID A DWARF

READING ‘EULOGY TO A FALLEN HERO” IN
FULL COSTUME WHILE WAGNER’S CRY OF THE VALKRIE
PLAYED IN THE BACKGROUND. (SNIFF)

YEAH HE’S PRETTY THE MAN’S EXPERIENCE POINT

KEWL EXCEPT THAT HE PER HOUR RATIO WAS AMONG
CHARGES SIXTY CENTS THE HIGHEST I’VE EVER
FOR A CAN OF SODA. ENCOUNTERED.

I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MR. WONDERFUL GRANDMASTER EARL!! I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF LISTENING
IN ON HIS LITTLE GAME AND I WAS APALLED!!! THE MAN’S NOTHING MORE THAN A MONTY HAUL
GAMEMASTER!!! HE WAS HANDING OUT MAGIC ITEMS AND EP’S LIKE THEY WERE SALTED PEANUTS AT A BALLGAME!!!
YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS TO BE HONEST I HAD TO BUY AN EXTRA
HANDING THEM OUT???
BECAUSE EARL CAN HORSE JUST TO CARRY THE ALL THE
EVERY EP AND TREASURE ITEM WAS
SPIN AN ADVENTURE LOOT AND TREASURE I ACQUIRED. EARL’S A
EARNED ONLY AFTER BEATING
LIKE FINE SILK!!! GAWD!!
INCREDIBLE ODDS AND FACING LIFE-
THREATENING CHALLENGES!!

I’M PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN. I’M NOT
ALLOWING YOU TO BRING ANY
EXPERIENCE OR TREASURE FROM
EARL’S GAME INTO OUR CAMPAIGN.
JUST SCRATCH IT ALL OFF. IT NEVER
HAPPENED!! AND I’M FORBIDDING YOU
FROM PLAYING WITH OTHER
GAMEMASTERS. IT’S ME OR EARL!!
TOUGH NOOGIES YOU’RE NOT BEING FAIR B.A.!! YOU’RE ALWAYS
DUDE!!! EARL INVITED US STRIVING TO BE THE BEST GAMEMASTER THERE IS.
TO HIS HOUSE TOMMOROW FOR WELL....WE WANT TO BE THE BEST PLAYERS WE CAN
A LITTLE LIVE-ACTION ROMP. BE. PLAYING WITH BOTH EARL AND YOU IS EXPANDING
AND I’M GONNA BE THERE!! OUR REALM OF EXPERIENCE AND GAME SAVY.
NOTHING PERSONAL B.A.!!! I
AND I’M YOUR
WANNA GET IN CLOSE AND
SHADOW DUDE!
PICK THIS GUY’S BRAIN.

24
 AS THE WEEKS PASSED EARL SLACKMOZER’S FAME AND POPULARITY GREW LIKE A
FESTERING WOUND. DOZENS OF LOCAL GAMEMASTERS SOON LOST THEIR REGULAR PLAYER’S TO THE
USURPING GM AS EARL BEGAN RUNNING SIX DIFFERENT CAMPAIGNS ON
SIX CONSECUTIVE NIGHTS EACH WEEK. AT WEIRD PETE’S GAMESHOP THE HOT TOPIC AT THE COUNTER EACH
DAY WAS, “WHO IS THE GREATEST GAMEMASTER IN TOWN?”

FINALLY, B.A. FELTON SHOCKED THE GROUP BY ANNOUCING HE WAS HANGING UP HIS
GM SCREEN AND DISBANDING THE KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE CLUB!!
(AND THERE WAS GREAT SORROW AND GNASHING OF TEETH). IT WAS INDEED, A SAD HOUR.
BUT IN EVERY CRISIS, A HERO IS CALLED FORTH. ONE DAY BRIAN CALLED AN EMERGENCY
MEETING OF THE KNIGHTS, CLAIMING HE “HAD A PLAN” TO SETTLE THE DISPUTE!!!

SO WHAT?? I HAVE ACTUALLY YOUR COPY CAME TODAY.

ALRIGHT MAKE
B.A. WE WERE DOWN AT WIERD PETE’S A SUBSCRIPTION. I WE JUST TOOK IT FROM YOUR MAILBOX
THIS QUICK!!!
THIS MORNING DISCUSSING OUR SHOULD GET MY AND SHREDDED IT!!!
WHAT’S THIS
ALL ABOUT?? PROBLEM WHEN THE NEW ISSUE OF COPY ANY DAY NOW. IT DAWNED ON ME THAT
HACKMASTER GAMEMASTERS ARE
JOURNAL CAME IN. BRIAN HAS A TERRITORIAL BY NATURE!! AND
PLAN!! THAT THERE IS A NATURAL
PECKING ORDER

IF WE WERE WOLVES YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN THIS MONTH’S ISSUE CONTAINS
THE LEADER OF THE PACK AND THIS EARL- CONTEST??? THE 1997 HACKMASTER WE BOUGHT EVERY
DUDE WOULD BE THE CHALLENGER VYING WHAT CONTEST?? GM COPY AT WIERD PETE’S
FOR YOUR POSITION. THE CHALLENGE WHAT THE HELL EXAMINATION SO THERE WOULDN’T
RESULTS IN A CONTEST TO SEE WHO IS THE ARE YOU GUYS UP AND BE ANY CHEAT SHEETS
BEST!! THE PROBLEM IS, THE CONTEST WAS TO?? QUESTIONAIRE!! IT’S FLOATING AROUND.
NEVER ENGAGED!!! WE’RE HERE TO FIX THAT. DESIGNED TO MEASURE A GM’S
MASTERY AND EXPERTISE OF
HACKMASTER AND RANK HIM.

25
WE’VE ORGANIZED A CONTEST FOR THE ENTIRE COUNTY TO SEE WHO IS THE COME ON B.A.!!! EARL HAS ALREADY AGREED
BEST HACKMASTER GM!!! EVERY GAMEMASTER WORTH AND HE’S BOASTING THAT HE’S GOING TO
BEARING THE TITLE IS GOING TO GO DOWN TO WEIRD PETE’S TO BE SWEEP THE CONTEST!
ADMINISTERED THE TEST. THE RESULTS WILL BE PUBLICLY POSTED AND
EACH GAMEMASTER WILL BE RANKED ACCORDING TO HIS FINAL SCORE.

YOU MUST SNATCH YEAH!! HE WANTS A

IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE TEST WE PIECE OF YOU. HE’S STILL
WILL BE FORCED TO CHOOSE THE TWENTY-SIDER
I’M NOT TAKING SOME FROM MY HAND, SORE OVER THAT GARY-
EARL AS OUR PERMENANT GM! WANNA-BE REMARK!!!
STUPID TEST!!! IT’S GRASSHOPPER!!!
PROBABLY NOT
ACCURATE ANYWAY.

THAT’S THE FIGHTING SPIRIT!!! NOW DON’T LET THIS MAKE YOU NERVOUS, BUT
CURRENTLY THE ODDS FAVOR EARL THREE TO ONE WITH AN EIGHT POINT SPREAD.
NOW THAT COULD CHANGE DUE TO THE FLUCTUATIONS IN EARL’S MEDICATION.
OH ALL RIGHT!! THE BETTING IS
WE JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I DIDN’T BET, B.A. I JUST
I’LL TAKE THE STUPID PRETTY HEAVY.
EVEN THOUGH WE ALL BET AGAINST COULDN’T GO AGAINST
EXAM. I’LL BURY THIS EVERYONE WANTS
YOU, IT DOESN’T MEAN WE DON’T MY OWN BLOOD.
EARL-DUDE ONCE AND SOME OF THIS
WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!!
FOR ALL. ACTION.

NOW DON’T WORRY B.A.!!! I’M CHAIRPERSON OF THE EVALUATION COMMITTEE AND I’LL BE
ADMINISTERING THE EXAMINATIONS AND MAKING SURE EVERYTHING IS FAIR AND ON THE UP-AND-UP!!!

I’M HEADING UP CROWD CONTROL. DOESN’T PAY BUT I HELL! ANYONE WHO IS THERE HASN’T BEEN THIS MUCH
GET FREE SODA AND HOTDOGS SO WHAT THE HELL? ANYONE IS TURNING OUT EXCITEMENT IN THE LOCAL
FOR THIS!!! THE PEOPLE GAMING COMMUNITY SINCE NITRO
WANT TO KNOW!!! FERGUESON RAN HIS LIVE-ACTION
CROWD CONTROL?? FALL OF SAIGON GAME
WHAT CROWD?? DOWNTOWN!

26

I’LL TAKE THE COME ON B.A.!!
EXAM BUT NOT BEFORE WE’RE GOING TO CHARGE
SOME CROWD AND NOT ADMISSION AND GENERATE
WITH EARL!!! JUST THE REVENUE FOR FUTURE GAMING
THOUGHT OF BEING IN THE INVESTMENTS!!! WOULDN’T IT
SAME ROOM WITH HIM BE NICE TO GO TO GARYCON
MAKES ME ILL!! AND NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE
BETWEEN FOOD AND NEW
GAMES???
NITRO IS GOING TO PERFORM A
OF COURSE A PAYING
ONE=MAN, ONE-ACT STAGE PLAY
CROWD IS GOING TO
CALLED, “GARY
EXPECT A FEW EXTRAS
JACKSON, THE MAN,
FOR THE COST OF
THE LEGEND.”
ADMISSION. DO YOU HAVE
ANY SPECIAL TALENTS
WE SHOULD KNOW EARL IS GOING TO DO A
ABOUT? JUGGLING DICE? READING FROM TOLKIEN’S
RECITING POETRY?? JOURNAL IN THE ELVEN
LANGUAGE!!

I’M NOT PEFORMING LIKE I’D SURE RETHINK THAT WHY DON’T YOU DO THAT THE WRITTEN PORTION OF THE
SOME TRAINED MONKEY!! POSITION B.A.!!! THE TALENT BELCHING-THING YOU DO EXAM BEGINS AT 9:00 A.M. IN THE
I’LL TAKE THE STUPID PORTION OF THE EXAM AFTER YOU DRINK A WHOLE MORNING B.A. I’LL MEET YOU AT
QUIZ BUT I’M NOT ACCOUNTS FOR 25% OF THE SODA?? IT’S NOT WINNING WEIRD PETES.
PARTICIPATING IN SOME FINAL SCORE MATERIAL BUT IT’S A REAL I’VE DRAWN UP A LIST OF
TALENT SHOW!! CROWD PLEASER AND SUGGESTED STUDY-
WORTH A FEW POINTS. MATERIAL SO YOU CAN
BRUSH UP TONIGHT.

THE NEXT DAY... DON’T FEEL BAD, B.A. YOU DID SCORE
SECOND PLACE IN THE ENTIRE COUNTY!!
WE CLEANED UP!! I
OKAY, THE SCORES HAVE BEEN TALLIED AND EARL WAS SIMPLY TOO GOOD TO BEAT!!!
REFER TO MY LIFE
DOUBLE-CHECKED!!! BET YER JUST DYING TO HE EVEN BEAT THE SPREAD!!!
BEFORE THIS DAY AS
KNOW WHO WON AREN’T YA?? HUH??
“THE LEAN YEARS” I MADE ENOUGH TO UPGRADE MY
GONDO X36 COMPUTER AND TO
NO THAT DIAMOND PINKY RING ON
HAVE A BABYLON FIVE MURAL
YOUR FINGER PRETTY MUCH SAYS
PAINTED ON THE SIDE OF MY VAN.
IT ALL BOB. HOW MUCH MONEY
WAS INVOLVED IN THIS BET?

27
 I WISH WE COULD INVITE YOU TO GO WITH
US, B.A. BUT EARL HAS STRICT RULES.
WELL....UH...WE JUST STOPPED BY TO MAYBE WE CAN ARRANGE FOR YOU TO
GIVE YOU THE NEWS. EARL WANTS US TO BE AT MAYBE SOMEDAY WE CAN TAKE THE ENTRANCE-EXAM SOMETIME
THE GAME EARLY TONIGHT. HE FILMED A SPECIAL GET TOGETHER AND PLAY AND YOU COULD PLAY WITH US.
VIDEO TO SET UP TONIGHT’S CAMPAIGN. SOME RISQUE OR
STRATEGO!!! EARL SAID IT THAT REMINDS ME. I HAVE TO
WOULD BE OKAY TO PLAY RUN HOME BEFORE WE GO TO
I SEE HOW IT
NON-RPG’S WITH OUTSIDERS. EARLS. I LEFT MY V.I.P. CARD AND
IS!! EARL WON THE
CONTEST SO I’M GAME-CERTIFIED DICE IN MY
YESTERDAY’S CLAM CAMPAIGN PACKET.
CHOWDER!!

THREE WEEKS LATER... YEAH!!! WE WERE TAKEN IN!!!

HOW’S IT GOING GUYS??? I WAS
SURPRISED TO HEAR FROM YOU
TODAY. SO WHAT’S THE BIG
EMERGENCY??? EARL SEND YOU
OVER TO PICK UP YOUR
CHARACTER PORTFOLIOS OR
SOMETHING??
DUPED!!! BRIAN IS OUR WELL...IT ALL UNFOLDED
ELECTED SPOKESMAN!! HE CAN LAST NIGHT WHEN WE
WE’RE CRAWLING BACK WENT TO EARL’S HOUSE...
B.A.!! THERE’S NO EASY EXPLAIN THE WHOLE MATTER.
WAY TO SAY THIS. WE
OWE YOU A BIG I HOPE YOU
APOLOGY!!! CAN FORGIVE
US, B.A.

HE WAS BETA-TESTING HIS LIVE-ACTION ROLE- EARL MADE BELTS FOR EACH ROOM IN HIS HOUSE WHICH
PLAYING RULES FOR THE SLAMMASTER: ROYAL HOUSE HAVE TO BE WON THROUGH TAG-TEAM MATCHES. IF YOU
PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING RUMBLE?? WIN ALL OF THE BELTS YOU RECEIVE THE COVETED
RPG RULES. WE WERE ALL COMPETING THE WHAT’S ROYAL HOUSE BELT!!!
ROYAL HOUSE RUMBLE!! THAT??
BRIAN AND BOB WERE EARL THREW A
VYING FOR THE ELUSIVE SHOWER CURTAIN
BATHROOM BELT WHEN OVER MY HEAD
TRAGEDY STRUCK!!! AND HOOKED ME
WITH AN ELBOW
TO THE CHIN

28
 NON OF THAT MATTERS. WHAT
WE’RE GETTING MEANWHILE, BOB AND I
MATTERS IS WHAT BRIAN DISCOVERED
TO THAT!!! BRIAN ENGAGED IN A GLORY-
THIS IS ALL WHEN HE CAME TO IN THE BATHROOM!!
BLACKED OUT FROM THE MATCH WRESTLING FOR
VERY INTERESTING BLOW!!!! I MEAN HE WAS CONTROL OF THE
BUT WHAT IN THE WELL WHEN I CAME TO
OUT COLD!!! NOBODY HALLWAY BELT!!! MAN,
HELL DOES IT HAVE I DISCOVERED THAT NATURE WAS
COULD MOVE HIM SO WE WE TOOK OUT FOUR
TO DO WITH CALLING SO I LOCKED THE DOOR
LEFT HIM THERE ON THE SHEETS OF DRYWALL IN
APOLOGIZING TO ME?? AND WENT ABOUT MY BUSINESS.
FLOOR FIGURING HE THOSE TIGHT CONFINES!!!
WHILE I WAS SITTING THERE
WOULD COME AROUND IN BOB IS QUITE A KICKER!!
I NOTICED A MAGAZINE RACK AND
DUE TIME.
HELPED MYSELF.

THERE IN THE RACK I FOUND A COPY OF THE I KNEW SOMETHING WE’RE SORRY WE THAT EARL IS A
MOST RECENT HACKMASTER JOURNAL. THE ONE SMELLED ROTTEN DOUBTED YOU!!! WE DON’T SNAKE!!! HE RAISED
WITH THE GM EXAMINATION IN IT!!!! EARL MUST ABOUT THIS EARL!! WANNA PLAY WITH EARL THE PRICE OF A SODA
HAVE HAD A SUBSCRIPTION!! I THUMBED SO HE HAD THE TEST ANYMORE. WE WANT TO TO SEVENTY-FIVE
THROUGH THE ISSUE AND ALL THE CORRECT THE ENTIRE TIME!!!! COME HOME!!! CENTS!!! WHAT A
ANSWERS WERE PENNED IN!!! EARL IS A WHAT A CROOK!
FRAUD!!! HE CHEATED ON THE TEST!!!! SLIME!!!
YEAH!!! WE LIKE IT HERE!!
WHERE THE CHIPS AND SODA
ARE FREE!! AND A GUY KNOWS
WHERE HE STANDS!!

WELL, I FORGIVE YOU. THE

IMPORTANT THING IS THAT VIVE LE KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE!!!!!
THE KNIGHTS OF THE
DINNER TABLE ARE A
GROUP AGAIN!!!
NEXT WEEK I’LL
ADMINISTER THE OATHS
OF LOYALTY AGAIN AND
WE’LL PUT THIS BEHIND
US!!

29
 now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheesy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
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BE PART OF THE KODT EVOLUTION!!!
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(SNIFF) I FORGOT TO
ATTENTION RESERVE MY COPY OF KODT
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RETAILERS!!!!!
KNIGHTS OF THE
DINNER TABLE
COMIC BOOKS AND RELATED PRODUCTS
ARE AVAILABLE THROUGH
YOUR FAVORITE GAME DISTRIBUTOR!!

B.A. AND THE GUYS ARE LOOKING FOR

SOME EXTRA DOUGH.
GOT A LICENSING IDEA? WE’RE
LOOKING FOR MANUFACTURERS OF
T-SHIRTS, DICE BAGS, BUTTONS,
PINS, POSTERS, BUMPER STICKERS, SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL
MOOD DICE, DICE BAG BUDDIES,
TRADING CARDS, ETC. GAMESHOP!!
Mr. Blackburn,
ATTENTION MANUFACTURERS Do you EVER plan on letting me know
Place an ad in WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD. if you’re running my column “Stevil’s
It’s an inexpensive way to reach thousands Bitter Pulpit.” You stuck-up editor
of really DERANGED GAMERS! types make me wanna puke.
Stevil
WEIRD PETE”S BULLETIN BOARD is a meeting place where readers pass along information, barter, trade and gossip. Readers are invited to place
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subscribers having priority.
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17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 3. Staple Your Way to Success
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 2. The Amish Phone Book
12. Easy UNIX And the number one World's Shortest Book:
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance 1. The Gamer’s Guide to Fashion
PARTING SHOTS

10. Everything Men Know About Women

9. Everything Women Know About Men

Forty-Three Different Ways to Call Someone Stupid

1. A few clowns short of a circus
27. His antenna isn't picking up all the channels
2. A few fries short of a happy meal
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops
3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
29. If he had another brain, it would be lonely
4. A few beers short of a six-pack
30. Missing a few buttons on the remote control
5. Dumber than a box of hair
31. No grain in the silo
6. A few peas short of a casserole
32. Proof that evolution CAN go reverse
7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
33. Receiver is off the hook
8. Wheel's spinning! Hamster's dead!
34. Several nuts short of a full pouch
9. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl
35. Sklylight leaks
10. One taco short of a combo plate
36. Slinky's kinked
11. A few feathers short of a whole duck
37. Surfing in Nebraska
12. All foam. No beer!
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts
13. The cheese has slid of his cracker
39. Not the sharpest tool in the shed
14. Body by Fisher. Brains by Mattel!
40. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
15. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
41. A few dice short of a full bag.
16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they
appear 42. A few levels short of a dungeon

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on 43. Carrying an empty easter basket.
the heel
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN ME DUDE!!! I WAS KICKIN’
18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on BUTT AND TAKEN NAMES UNTIL WE GOT TO THE
the way down KING’S BRIDGE!!!! IT WAS HEAVILY DEFENDED WITH
CATAPULTS AND HEAVY SLING-MEN!!
19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
LIVE ACTION HACKMASTER HUH???
20. As smart as bait MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO PLAY!!!
21. Chimney's clogged
22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
23. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
25. Forgot to pay his brain bill
26. Sewing machine is out of thread