Sex Positivity Tarot

A Guidebook for Readings

Cards & Content by Jessamyn Fitzpatrick, 2019
 Ways to Play

There are really so many ways to make the deck work for you. When I do readings what I
typically like to do is shuffle the deck, cut it with my left hand twice, making three piles,
restack it and then turn three cards. I do a three card spread because the number three
holds spiritual power in a lot of traditions. Maiden, Mother, Crone. Past, Present, Future.
As I turn the cards, I like to look for connections between the three. What is the story that
my mind is creating? What does that mean for me? But you can turn the cards however
you like. It can be just as meaningful to shuffle the deck once and pull a card each
morning, letting it be something that you engage with throughout the day.
Cards can be done privately or in groups. If you are looking for a more communal
experience, you might consider sitting with a group of friends and each take a turn
shuffling the deck and then pulling one card. Once everyone has pulled, you might
consider going around the circle and sharing your card, and what resonates with you. Be
mindful of how deep you’ll feel comfortable going with interactions around sex and
sexuality with this particular group, of course, and I would recommend making sure you
can offer a brave, shame-free space with these folks.

The deck is for you, so use it however you need to get the experience YOU want for
yourself.
 Question Cards
These are, in many ways, the most direct and transparent of cards. They offer specific
questions or prompts to consider. I would encourage that you find some way to
document your answers or responses to these questions in whatever way feels
comfortable for you, with the understanding that your answers can (and likely will)
change depending on life circumstances. This is not about creating hard rules or
accountability systems for yourself, but opening up pathways to map your sexuality over
time, and ground yourself, when needed in certain foundational aspects of who you are.
The only guiding principle with these cards is to try to answer honestly for yourself, and
without judgment. Notice what judgments, curiosities or feelings the questions
themselves bring up in you, and give yourself permission to sit in uncertainty, discomfort
or contradiction. This is where the learning can happen.
 Quote Cards
Read over whatever the quote is. If you feel comfortable, read it out loud, see how the
words feel coming out of your mouth. Do you have a gut reaction to the sentiment being
expressed (or the speaker expressing them)? There is so much wisdom we can gain by
engaging with another person’s experience and perspective. Take a minute to do that
with this quote. How does it stir you? What does it bring up.

Something to consider if it piques your interest is to read up a bit more on the person
being quoted. What other works or words do they have to offer? What context and
perspective might they be speaking from and how does that influence your reading of
their words?
 Image/Prompt Cards
These make up a majority of the deck. Best practice with these cards is to go with your
gut upon turning them. When I give readings, the first thing I ask folks is to consider What
does this idea, image, word or thing stir in you? How does seeing it show up in a reading
make you feel? This guidebook is meant to offer suggestions and options but not
prescriptive truths. Just as the symbolism of a bicycle appearing in a drea, might mean
something different to me than to you, depending on our bicycle history, so the meaning
of each card will have completely variable, specific, and personal relationships to the
individual. What follows is a loose guide of prompts, questions, and some commonly held
associations with the experiences covered in this tarot deck.

One of the best things you can offer yourself is just the practice of noticing what each
card might connect to in your own experiences, and trying to hold that answer with
compassion, curiosity and love. Free of any negative judgments or static conclusions.
 An Affirmation
I offer this as something to consider speaking out loud or reflecting upon before beginning
a reading.

I commit to being generous with myself in this space

Noticing what comes up without judgment.
I commit to embracing my vulnerability as a means of rooting out shame
Remembering that my journey is mine alone.
I commit to talking to myself the way I would talk to a friend,
to the ones that I love the most.
I am here.
I am curious.
I am worthy.
I am enough.
Aids Every Woman Appreciates
This card recalls the fascinating history of the vibrator - originally
developed as a medical device used by doctors for curing hysteria by
producing a “hysterical paroxysm” (aka orgasm), which soon trickled
down into the consumer culture as a product for home use. Vibrators
were soon sold in catalogs across the country alongside toasters,
vacuums and other “home aids” for women. It wasn’t until mainstream
culture (read: patriarchy) got wind of the fact that women were using
these devices for sexual pleasure (gasp!) rather than to relieve pesky
symptoms of a fabricated illness that the medical community
disassociated itself from the vibrators. There’s a lot to unpack there
about both medicalizing and commodifying female sexuality as a means
of control. Could be that this card is evoking that for you. On a more
playful note, this may simply be an invitation to look at where in your
more quotidienne life, you might find sexual release as a source of
coping with the everyday. What is your relationship to consumer culture
and sexuality? Are there products or services which you turn to as a
source of healing or coping in the fact of mundanity? How are you
treating yourself while on-the-go, in the face of a hectic workday? Never
forget the value or legacy of self-care.
Anal Sex
Whether anal sex itself is part of your sexual history, fantasy or
behavior, it is certainly something that carries a lot of
associations for most people. Associations with
dominance/vulnerability depending on who is giving or receiving.
Associations with pleasure that carries the potential for pain,
both invited and incidental. Association with expressions of love
and sexuality that carry a certain taboo based on cultural bias or
sex negativity. What associations do you have with anal sex? How
does that make you feel?
This card evokes sex that is in no way procreative, sex that may
be considered transgressive by some, and as such, sex that is
often shrouded in a degree of mystery, or lack of education.
Exploring the potential of the body to experience pleasure from
many portals is an exciting invitation. Also a reminder that
information sharing is our friend. Just like lube!
Asexuality
Often omitted from conversations about sexuality altogether, the
asexual community has a unique battle for visibility and
acknowledgement in a culture with rigid expectations and
assumptions about the spectrum of sexuality. As much as our
culture heaps shame on top of sex, it heaps a whole different level
of shame on not having sex. And while celibacy is a behavioral
choice, asexuality, like any sexial orientation is not. It is a part of
someone’s identity. Asexuality itself exists on a spectrum. Most
simple put, an asexual is someone who does not experience
sexual attraction. Asexual people still have emotional needs like
everyone else, and are varied in what sorts of relationships they
have to fulfill those needs. This card asks the reader to consider
how they relate to moments, experiences or relationships where
you did not experience sexual desire. What expectations do you
have for yourself or others for how much sexual desire they
experience? How might these expectations affect behavior? Have
you found yourself craving emotional connection without sexual
intimacy? How do you achieve this level of connection?

For more info on asexuality visit: https://www.asexuality.org/

Bisexuality
What messages about bisexuality have you received? Does it call
to mind associations of abundance? Variety? Or more
shame-filled associations such as fickleness and being “selfish” in
your sexual appetites? In a culture that is so fond of
monogamous couplings, bisexual erasure is even more likely,
given the way society often assumes that once a bi person has
partnered up with someone, they have, ultimately “chosen”
which gender they are “really” attracted to. Never mind the fact
that monogamy and commitment do nothing to erase sexual
attraction outside of that union. For many people, bisexuality also
brings up more positive connotations of a more expansive sexual
attraction. What opportunity there exists in being attracted to
multiple genders and seeing the sexual potential of both.
However you identify, this card may be asking you to consider if,
and how, your sexual identity is more expansive than you have
previous considered. What might that look like for you?
Circumcision
As a practice that did not arise from directly sexual motives but
has great bearing on sexual experience, circumcision offers some
interesting things to consider about bodily modification and
cultural norms. How does culture influence our expectations
about what someone’s body looks like? How do those
expectations play out in our sexual experiences?

If you are someone who has a penis, what do you think of when
you think of circumcision? How do you feel about it? If you are
someone who engages in sex with penises, what impressions or
associations do you have with circumcision? How are those
informed by experience rather than assumption, if at all?

Especially given that the foreskin contains a multitude of nerve

endings which enhance sensitivity and sensation, it is worth
considering how prioritizing what is expected or considered “the
norm” can short change us of experiences with a higher pleasure
payoff.
The Clitoris
The clitoris is unique in being an anatomical feature whose sole
function is pleasure. It is no coincidence, in our patriarchal, sex
negative culture, that it is also a body part routinely omitted from
anatomical textbooks, sex-ed lessons, and conversations about
sex. It has been “discovered” by men throughout history, erased
from it, and then “discovered” again anew. But the reality is that
it has always been there – An organ with 8,000 sensory nerve
endings. This immensely potent, powerful sensory organ – a
portal for heightened sensations of pleasure so powerful that it
has been seen, by some, as dangerous. How do you connect with
your own ability to experience pleasure? How do you give it to
yourself? How do you engage with partners around your own
right to experience pleasure? How can you become attuned to,
and protective of (when needed), your own right to experience
sexual pleasure free from stigma?
Cunnilingus
What associations or experience does this bring up for you? What
does the experience of receiving pleasure mean to you? What
about the idea of pleasure, for pleasure’s sake?

Cunnilingus refers to performing oral sex on a vulva, which, in

many cases, offers the potential for pleasure that is indulgent and
expansive. Beyond the literal reality of multiple orgasms, there is
the generative potential for life carried in a vulva that can be seen
as both receptive and productive to pleasure of all kinds. Where
and how do you see yourself receiving pleasure and what does it
meant to you in the context of your relationships. This may also
be a card for some that signals vulnerability – both surrounding
the right to unreciprocated pleasure, and also the vulnerability of
someone interacting with you most intimate parts in an up close
and personal way.
Decolonize your Bedroom
Our sexuality does not exist in a vacuum separate from the outside
world. Systems of oppression, racism, transphobia, misogyny, white
supremacy. One need only take a quick glance at online dating
platforms. Or a peek into mainstream pornography, to recognize that
these ideologies creep into our sexual scripts and behaviors. But rather
than see this card as a miserable reminder of that fact, it is, instead an
invitation. A call to action. When we are truly willing to examine the
ways in which colonialism, white supremacy & capitalism might be
creeping into the sheets with us, or maybe just into our DMs, we can
begin the vital work of combating it. What is your relationship to
whiteness? To white supremacy? Do you find it showing up in your
sexual scripts? How, and to what end? Masquerading as “preferences”,
which are often used as scapegoats to avoid confronting
anti-blackness? If we are truly to create the world we want to see, we
must be willing to lay that groundwork not just in our politics, but in
the intimate politics of our desire. Consider the ways in which privilege
exists for you in your sexual life - how do you navigate your privilege,
with that of a lover and is it lining up with your ethics?

For more about decolonial love in particular, consider watching Junot

Díaz’s keynote speech at Facing Race 2012
Desire
Desire is a motivating force for most people. Our desired inform our
actions and behaviors. Whether we are attempting to fulfill or repress
desires, they often become central to how we connect sexual behavior
to sexual curiosity. How do you treat your own desires? Do you honor
and attend them, or are there certain desires which you are compelled
to resist? It has been argued that desire necessitates the lack of
something – the object of desire must be continually out of reach in
order to remain in that state of longing. And yet still some people may
have the experience of satiating a desire only to find a renewed
investment in pursuing the object of said desire. Where does desire
come up in your life, and how does your relationship to that desire help
or hinder your experience of sexual fulfillment? In a world where people
are often socially conditioned to believe that there are “good” and
“bad” types of desires, how do you view your own. It is also worth
mentioning that this is a card that signals aliveness. Many people who
struggle with depression can attest to the feeling of listlessness, of an
apathy that is often defined by a lack of desire. And so what would it
mean to view your own desire as a reminder that you are alive, curious,
awake in the world with all of its possibilities? What if your desires were
signaling your ambition, your drive, your investment in bringing joy to
your own life?
Dildos
There’s a fun story behind the nautical imagery on this card.
Nantucket whalers’ wives were no strangers to dildos. With their
husbands away at sea for many months, it was commonly
understood between spouses that whaler’s wives would be
engaging in their own forms of sexual gratifications. Thus, there
was a very active, demanding market for dildos, or, to use the
slang of the time, for “he’s at homes”. Dildos could be ordered in
customizable sizes and shapes to resemble to member of a
particular lover. Women would go out shopping for dildos
together, without the shame and stigma some individuals might
feel about it in other context. What would it be like if we lived in a
world where purchasing a dildo was met with the same level of
nonchalance as purchasing a new hand cream? Would it change
our relationship with our own self-sufficiency when it comes to
pleasure?
Dirty Talk
Sex therapists and educators will often quip that the largest sex
organ in the human body is the brain. And it makes sense when
you think of how much our thoughts and words can affect our
mood. Getting in “the mood” for sex is about so much more than
just dimming the lights and lighting a candle, right?

Dirty talk is a great way to build a rapport with a sexual partner.

To explore fantasies and desires that have not yet been born out
in practice. Dirty talk can be a great educator and a great
aphrodisiac.

What is the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to you? How did it
feel in your body? What about it did you like? What sorts of
things would you like to say to a lover, if you knew you could do
so free of awkwardness or judgement. How does language enter
(or not enter) the bedroom for you?
Enthusiastic Consent
Joy. Exuberance.

An effervescence that comes with signing on to something that

excites your senses. This card invites you into that space.

What are the moments and experiences you can think of when
you think of enthusiastic consent? A free and eager moving
towards something or someone? How do you know that this is
present in your sexual relationships? Where are you finding these
moments for yourself now and what are the building blocks
necessary to build them up as a practice?
Erotica
What stirs your erotic imagination? The word erotic comes from
the Greek ‘eros’, which personifies love “in all its aspects”.
Meanwhile many critics argue that erotica is simple pornography
with better production values or “high-art” aspirations. However,
while the intention of both pornography and erotica is to
stimulate the consumer towards sexual arousal, I think there is a
subtle difference as it relates to gratification or “completion” of
that arousal. The erotic is often marked more strongly by desire
rather than gratification. In some senses, eroticism, is dependent
on some element of ungratified desire, a yearning or reaching out
quality.

While erotica is often linked with aesthetics and sensuality. Audre

Lorde in her essay “Uses of the Erotic: Erotic as Power” described
the erotic as a source of both personal and political power. Lorde
writes, “The erotic is a resource within each of us that lies in a
deeply female and spiritual plane, firmly rooted in the power of
our unexpressed or unrecognized feeling”

What does your erotic self yearn for? How might you define what
constitutes erotica in your life?
Fellatio
When you think of a blow job, what comes up? On which end of
the equation do you situate yourself in the mind’s eye and how
does that feel? Powerful: an opportunity to give pleasure
unabashedly, feel a lover stiffen, shift, groan in the thrall of your
touch. A moment to receive the rush of delicious warmth a
partner offers to you. A space for indulgence, for surrender. While
cunnilingus seems to often bring up associations of intimacy and a
vulnerability rooted in bodily exposure, many people allign blow
jobs with a sense of power - either power given or power held. A
more anxiety provoking association might be the pejorative “suck
my dick” or “blow me” as a mark of aggression - casting the giver
in a sort of sub-space, but still many have had the experience of
feelings of great power, pride & arousal generated by offering a
lover a blow job. More broadly oral sex cards invite you to
consider how you relate to both giving and receiving pleasure that
is concentrated, at least for the moment, exclusively on one
partner’s parts. Does that feel exciting or off putting for you? How
do you navigate that, and does it feel like that navigation is
serving you from a place of power and agency?
Femininity
What do you think of when you think of femininity? Where does
femininity live within you?

Rather than taking up one side of a binary, can we expand our

understanding of masculine and feminine as stars that exist in a
galaxy of gender expression...what does YOUR femininity look
like, feel like, dress like?

How does the feminine play out in your sexual sphere? Is it

alluring to you? Repellent? How are you comfortable and less
comfortable engaging with femininity?
Gender Play
Where and how does gender come up in your sexual expression?
If we acknowledge that gender exists outside of the stark binary
(male/female), then it becomes easier to see where we exist on a
spectrum, which itself is not static. Do you find playfulness in
your expressions of gender? Can you recall moments or
experiences with your own gender, (or someone else’s) where
you uncovered new information about what gender means for
you? This is a playful card, as the name suggests, and a card that
speaks to our ever-evolving relationship to the most intimate
parts of our identity. This is a card that speaks to your own
growth, fluidity and potential change.
Gender Roles
These are super real, and may often feel inescapable. Whether
we actively fight against them, lean in to them, or some
combination of both (very common), gender roles are patterns of
behavioral expectations that none of us can completely escape.
How have gender roles come into play with regard to you and
your sexual experience? Do you find yourself fitting in to one or
another? Do you associate certain gender roles with certain
sexual behaviors? If yes, how so? Do these roles feel flexible to
you?

Where do you find liberation and where do you find resistance in

your interactions with Gender roles and how they have shown up
in your life both in and out of the bedroom?
The Heart Card
The fullest, ripest card in the deck. This card is a reminder to
honor the strength, resilience and brilliance of your heart.

Your heart is a muscle. It will expand and contract and stretch and
bruise a thousand times and strengthen, not break.

Your heart is the softest place on the earth.

It is also a muscle the size of your fist.

The heart works on us. It works for us. It is, each day, giving us
life, tilling new soil. Converting oxygen for us, she is a master
gardener. An agent of growth and nourishing change. It is no
wonder the heart has captured so many poets in awe and
fascination, and yours is no different. It is the same heart that
Shakespeare and cummings and Baldwin and Lorde wrote about.
Remember that. Whatever your relationship to it at the moment,
it is ever working, ever changing, ever bringing you new blood,
new life, new sensations to explore.
Hysteria
The Greeks describe this particularly feminine “illness” as
occurring due to a wandering uterus. Just a womb, sloshing
around internally creating all sorts of mayhem. It was believed
that women exhibiting symptoms as wide and varied as fatigue,
energetic outbursts, anxiety, sluggishness, increased libido,
decreased libido, lack of appetite and general peevishness were
experiencing hysteria. The solution? Inducing a “hysterical
paroxysm” by applying stimulation to the vulvular area. Yup. Give
them an orgasm. In fact, we can thank the bunk science of
hysteria for the invention of the vibrator - originally a medical
device thought to alleviate hysteria, and save the doctors the
time and effort of manual stimulation. While this may be an
amusing anecdote of medical myth, we would be arrogant to
think that we are past the days of medical superstition,
misinformation and the spreading of false ideas related to gender
and behavior. This card invites you to reflect on how you, or
others close to you may have experienced medical
misinformation as it relates to sex & sexuality. How can science
be used to pathologize what might otherwise be a perfectly
healthy and wholesome expression of a person’s sexual self.
Intimacy as Revolution
Tyranny preys on isolation and division, on keeping people in
fearful factions, constantly waging against imagined enemies or
“others”. In a culture fueled by the individualistic laws of
capitalism, there is no tonic quite like intimacy and
connectedness. Historian Hanne Blank quoted a french
revolutionary slogan once saying “erotic desires undermine the
basis of the established order”. So, intimacy undermines the
foundations that govern war, nationalism, racism and
xenophobia. And pursuing intimacy in the face of censure has, and
always will be, an act of revolution. Standing in solidarity with the
marginalized, fighting for the right to love and caress and hold
close whomever you choose, continues to be a battle that many
face daily. We cannot take lightly the frisson and power that exists
when you cultivate intimacy with another human. This card is an
invitation to celebrate and lift up the spaces of intimacy that you
cultivate in your life, and invites you to examine and activate how
these spaces exist in opposition to forces of oppression, shame or
silence. Remember, your capacity for intimacy is something no
one can take from you.
Kink & BDSM
One person’s kink can be another person’s vanilla. “Kinky” is
really just a broad umbrella term for sexual behaviors (or desires)
that are outside of the “norm”, which is contextual. This card
includes BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism), which
revolves around power & submission - what is the erotic potential
of power play for you? Kink in general is about exploring the
taboo. Delving into transgression with communication, clearly
defined boundaries, and explicit, consent practices. Whether kink
is something that factors into your sexual practice or not (and this
can be broadly defined!), how might sex become better if all of us
communicated our boundaries with the explicitness that sexual
kinksters do? With clear and established outs such as safe words,
and continued check-ins about power, boundaries and desires?
Where are the spaces in which you engage with the taboo or
transgressing social norms in your sex life? How do you
communicate these desires and explorations with partners and
what does it fuel or feed in your erotic life?
Kinsey Scale
Dr. Kinsey shook the world with his assertion that human
sexuality existed on a scale – with most people falling
somewhere in between the rigid structures of
hetero/homosexual. Based on curiosities, desires or
behaviors, Kinsey found that many people had experienced
some degree of same-sex interest throughout their sexual
lives. Like the fluidity of the gender play card, this card is
an invitation to remember the desires that have existed at
the margins for you – moments where you surprised even
yourself with either your sexual curiosity or behavior. Have
there been moments where your relationship to your
sexual orientation has felt more plastic than you had
previously realized? Where would you place yourself on
Kinsey’s scale? Has this placement varied throughout the
course of your life and experience?
Kissing
For many people this is a card of deep sweetness
and intimacy. Tenderness, with a great deal of
plasticity around the degree of sexual intimacy it
applies.

A kiss can be many things. It can be an invitation, a

greeting, a farewell, a forgiving. It can be slow and
lingering, or quick and sweet, gentle or ravenous.

How do you feel about kissing? What forms does it

take in your romantic & sexual life? What are the
determining factors of whether something this
intimate feels good or less so?
Masculinity
What is your relationship to masculinity? What associations do
you have with it and how does it manifest in your life,
relationships and sexual existence?

For many people, what is masculine is what is assertive. What

leads forth boldly. Surefootedness. Confidence. A drive to chart
new territories, to propel forward.

Especially in recent years there has been much attention given to

the darker incarnations of hostile or toxic masculinity - the ways
in which masc presenting individuals are often pressured to
perform dominance, stoicism, even violence. Do any of these
associations come up for you at all? If so, what are the ways to
move forward in embracing positive models of masculinity.
Where and how can we celebrate masculinity in our selves and in
others?

As far as sex, are there behaviors or patterns that you enjoy,

which evoke a masculine energy for you? What are they?
Masturbation
What role has masturbation played in your life? What role do you
want it to play moving forward? Our ability to pleasure ourselves
is a powerful reminder of our own self-sufficiency, agency and
stewardship over our sexual experience. Some people have a
complicated relationship to masturbation, which may involve
some feelings of shame, loneliness – likely driven by societal
stigma. Others may have grown up blissfully enjoying the
pleasures that touch affords, and the often healing power of self-
loving. Wherever you fall on this spectrum, consider how and
when you give yourself pleasure – whether through acts of
self-stimulation, or other activities.
Mutual Masturbation
This card brings an invite to consider the ways in which you like to
share intimacy with a partner.

Even as it is often one of the earliest, safest, most universal

explorations of the sexual self, for many people masturbation still
comes with a certain amount of shame or anxiety. It is often cast
as a joke in movies and media, or a secret, solitary thing that is a
sort of practice for the “main event”. But the longest sexual
relationship we have is with ourselves! And masturbation is its
own beautiful sexual act. To bring your personal pleasure practice
in front of a partner is one of the most vulnerable, intimate gifts
you can offer.

Mutual masturbation can be a means to better understanding the

terrain of your lover’s body. It is also a practice of pleasuring that
carries with it very little risks as far as STIs or pregnancy. How
might it feel to you to pleasure yourself in front of a partner? To
share in their practice of self-loving?
Orgasm
The French called it Le Petit Mort - little death. And, it can, for
many feel like a sort of mind-shattering death and rebirth cycle all
in one fantastic confluence of nerve endings, sensorys and
synapses. A cathartic release of sensation. Heat, tingling, at once
a full-body but out-of-your-mind sensation. And boy ,oh boy don’t
we love to chase that kind of a high.

This card represents euphoria. It represents a rush. It represents a

pinnacle. And for others still it can represent a pathway. How do
we approach orgasm in a way that is not rooted in process over
product-based sexual encounters? Where orgasms can be
exciting byproducts of sensory delight, and not a race to some
imagined finish line when it comes to sex.

How do you treat orgasms? Your own and others? Are they a
delight? An achievement? A mystery?
Origins of Heterosexual Monogamy
We are raised in a culture that champions monogamous, heterosexual
relationships as the norm. Yet, we know now that heterosexuality is no
more “normal” than homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, asexuality
queerness etc. Vast and varied sexualities among human beings has
always been the norm. It is systems of oppression that have attempted to
deny this truth and create hierarchies of “natural” or, “right”. Similarly,
monogamy is a relationship model that is not inherent biologically, but is
inherited by the culture we grow up in. Does that mean that if you
identify as heterosexual and desire monogamous relationships that you
are simply brainwashed? No. (although if you are actively positing that
this model is better, more moral and more valuable, then you should do
the work of considering how this is actively contributing to the oppression
of fellow humans) But this card invites you, however you identify, to
engage critically with how the model of monogamous heterosexuality has
affected your sexual life and decision making. The image shows the origin
myth of Adam and Eve – linking this concept to the Christian ideology, and
bringing up other questions surrounding how these concepts interact with
sexism, and notions of gender binary. Whether you actively practice
monogamy, identify as hetero or eschew both of these identities,
consider how these narratives have existed in your life. What influences
do they hold?
Polyamory
The polyamory card is an invitation to reflect on the relationship
structure that you are in, and how you make sure it works for
YOU. For many people monogamy is presented as a default
setting for romantic relationships. As polyamory becomes more
and more visible in the public eye in recent years, there is an
exciting opportunity for all of us to expand our minds to the
myriad possibilities of what a relationship might look like. Poly is
not a one-size-fits-all structure, which is as exciting and it is scary.
Whether poly feels right for you, some key elements to consider
are the role of boundaries, jealousy, possessiveness and
transparency. If poly is not for you, how might you practice
intentional monogamy - with an open eye to some of the
previously unexamined limitations of monogamy - how to address
jealousy in a healthy way, how to build around moments of doubt
or anxiety around a loss of individuality, how do we honor our
relationship as a unit while honoring our own individual needs
and desires? What does that balance looks like? Who makes
those decisions and how? How often are we checking in about
what works for us and what doesn’t? For those interested in
exploring more, there are tons of great resources out there about
Poly identity!
The Prostate
Do you have a relationship with this piece of anatomy? Have you
ever engaged directly with this anatomy on yourself or someone
else? If so, how did that feel? For a lot of people, this card can
represent untapped, or underexplored portals of pleasure. It can
also signal a certain mystery surrounding your own sources of
sexual pleasure. Thanks to homophobia and toxic masculinity, the
prostate often remains either overlooked or heavily stigmatized
in conversations around sexual behavior and exploration. Which
is a shame considering the fact that the prostate often allows its
bearer to experience a heightened degree of ecstasy when
stimulated. It can function like a g-spot for some bodies. What are
overlooked sources of pleasure for you in your own life, and how
do you receive them?
Queerness
The word queer has a long and complex history. Originally
meaning peculiar, then used pejoratively as an insult for those
who exhibited (or were perceived has having) same sex desires,
to its gradual reclamation, beginning in the the late 1980s as a
term that stands defiantly against the hetero-patriarchy. For
many, queerness is the embodiment of a resistance to the notion
that straight, cis, monogamous love and sex are the desirable
norm. Queerness can be an identity as much as it can be a sexual
orientation. It can be a gender expression or a style of dress. A
politicizing of your views and values on non-straight doctrines.
Whether you yourself identify as queer or not, this card asks you
to reflect on the ways in which you brush up against the margins
of what is considered mainstream. What is your beautiful freak
flag and how and when do you let it fly? With whom and how
freely? Embrace all parts of yourself. Especially the parts that are
unique, even peculiar in their radiance and resilience.
Rimjobs
Tongue to anus talk tends to stir things up at a party. While it is
certainly not a new practice (just take a gander at ancient
erotica), for many it still carries with it a bit of taboo. Possibly
because, as with anal sex, anytime butts or their holes are
involved, people think of poop. And very valid concerns about
hygiene come up. While there are different considerations to
have (bacteria found in an anus can pose a health concern to
vaginal contact for example), there are many ways to engage in
some frisky anal-lingus with a clean palate, and without much risk
of cross-contamination (washing before and in between activities
is your friend!)

What are your associations and considerations when you hear the
word rimbjob? Does it make you squeamish? Off-Put? Excited?
Curious?

What about if you imagine a partner desiring your body so

entirely that they wanted to bury their face between the soft
cheeks of your tush? Even if actually allowing for that is a hard
“no” for you in practice (totally valid!) how would that desire
make you feel?
Safer Sex Practices
On a very literally level, what methods, if any, do you use to
increase your own physical safety when it comes to sex? Things
like barrier methods, hormonal birth control options, lubricants
etc exist to increase the potential for pleasure by creating a safe
environment with which to do so. It is a lot harder to enjoy a
sexual encounter if you are freaking out about unwanted
consequences to your health and body. What does safer sex look
like for you? What messages have you received about safer sex
and how did those messages sit with your experiences? Consider
what safety means to you and how you interact with your
partners around that truth.
Sexuality is Political
The title statement of this card should give you a lot to think
about already. Because bodies are politicized, sexuality is
politicized. This will look different to different people depending
on identity and context. For example, in a conservative,
heterosexist society, openly expressing queerness is an act of
political defiance (and personal risk) because it challenges the
status quo. Consider the ways in which your body, your sexual
desire or experience may have been politicized by the world. How
do you engage with that, if at all? How does your sexuality situate
within larger social and political movements and what does that
mean to you. Above all, this is a power card. This is a card that
speaks to strength, defiance and an embracing of our own
potential as agents of social and political change.
Spirituality and Sex
Spirituality casts a wide net. At its core, spirituality concerns itself
with a personalized, subjective experience of sacred dimensions.
Literally, deriving from the word “spirit” which is “the animating
or vital principle in man and animals”, spirituality directs its
attention to what gives us life, in more than a strictly biological
sense. Do you hold any connection to the idea of a soul? And, if
so, how do you perceive that soul in yourself or another? How
does it manifest and what are the ways in which you nurture it?

How does your relationship to the spiritual interact with your

relationship to sex? Do you hold any form of spiritual practice in
your life? If so, what connections exist between your sexual self
and that practice? For some people, that link is quite clear, while
for others there may be a sense that any spirituality they carry is
rooted more metaphysically, less embodied than our relationship
to sex.
Standards of Beauty
This card is a reminder of the very real ways in which beauty,
while also often “in the eye of the beholder” is also a culturally
constructed judgement, with very real implications for our erotic
selves. A simple glance across culture and across history give us a
broad picture of how varied the beauty standards of a given
society can be.What are the beauty standards of your society?
How have they mapped themselves out in your sexual attraction
to others? Or the way you view yourself sexually? Are there ways
in which your desires and erotic pulls are at odds with the
standards of the day perhaps? Do you let beauty standards into
the bedroom with you, and how much space are you giving them
in bed?

None of us exists in a vacuum. The best way we can honor the

breadth of our fullest sexual potential is to simply get curious in
exploring - once we know the roots of our desires, we can
consider which plants we want to nourish growth on. Even as
ourselves where new seeds may need to be planted.
Threesomes
Playful, many-handed, multi-faceted. Threesomes can be an
opportunity to explore new possibilities. New, inventive
combinations of sharing touch, love, lust. Appealing to some,
overwhelming to others.

What are your associations with threesomes? What emotions do

they bring to your being.

There is magic in the number three for many cultures.

Past,Present, Future. Maiden, Mother, Crone. Father, Son, Holy
Ghost.

Whether threesomes themselves are currently part of your sexual

repertoire or not - how do you engage with the possibility of
introducing something new to your relationships? A new ritual,
new friend, new sexual exploration? How do you find the new in
what may start to become routine?
Toys
A playful card, as the name suggests. As we get older, fewer and
fewer are the realms in which we are invited and sanctioned for
adult play. For many people sex becomes one of the few facets
where they can engage in ways that are silly, unapologetic,
playful and exploratory.

How lovely that human ingenuity and creativity have extended

into the realm of making sexual expression more plausible,
multifaceted and Dr. Seussical (in appearance at least!) through
the invention of sex toys. Where do you find a sense of play in
your sexual exploration? Are physical toys something you include
in your repertoire? What are things you have discovered through
this type of play and the possibilities they bring to the realm of
sensation and exploration?
Vaginal Corona (aka Hymens)
Did you know that the hymen isn’t just a solid barrier that exists
in “virgin” vaginas, until the moment someone (or something)
pushes through it like a rowdy crowd bursting through one of
those parade banners at the homecoming game?? For a lot of
people, it is a revelation that what is commonly referred to as a
hymen can actually come in many different shapes? The vaginal
corona (aka hymen) is a bit of vestigial membrane from the
formation of the vaginal opening. Some people are born with
more or less excess membrane, and a varying degree of elasticity
to said membrane. In the rare cases that a hymen DOES
completely cover the vaginal opening, a medical intervention is
needed so that the vagina can secrete its natural discharges,
menstrual blood etc. Our conception of the hymen as an indicator
of virginity is based on social and cultural traditions, not medical
accuracy.That said, this card is an invitation to consider, what are
the dark spots for you in medical information about your own
anatomy? Are there parts of your body that remain a mystery,
even to you? Why is that? What has access to good,
comprehensive sexual health information looked like for you?
What do you want it to look like?
Virginity
A lot of significance is placed on virginity. A rite of passage, a
marker of adulthood, a “loss” of something, perhaps a gain of
something new and different? What were the messages you
received about the value of virginity? What it meant and why (if
at all) it mattered?

How do you think about those messages today? Have they

shaped your understanding of your own sexual narrative? Moving
forward, what do you want your relationship to the idea of
virginity to be? If you could go back and talk to your younger self
about what virginity is all about, what would you say? Consider
how you might speak to yourself still in this way.

Remember that we become the stories we tell ourselves. How do

you want to weave virginity into the tapestry of YOUR story.
Something I like to remember is that our brains are natural storytellers. They are
constantly spinning up narratives for us. And the beautiful thing that this tarot practice
allows for me is the opportunity to consider and craft my own sexual story.

You are able to story your own life. And your sex and sexuality are no exception. I don’t
mean story as in “make-up” or “pretend” that something about yourself, but think about
it: what is the difference between “My body does all of these weird, freaky things that I
don’t understand.” and “My body is still full of mystery, and it is exciting to learn all of the
ways it moves through the word.” This can be a powerful tool in re-shaping our outlook. I
think of these cards as one of many tools we can use to story our own experience of sex
and sexuality. Hopefully for a better, more connected experience of our erotic potential.
When you start to feel overwhelmed or scared off by shame or anxiety, remember to
breathe deep, that your living, breathing, body can be a home to many visitors at once,
that it is never too late to start telling yourself a new story about what sex and sexuality
will be for you. Xo Jessamyn