Marhoffer 1

Emily Marhoffer

Professor Rodrick

English 115

16 November 2019

Play it as it Decays

Every ending opens a gate of opportunity for a new beginning. This idea is commonly

alluded to when referring to life and death. In the novel, ​Play it as it Lays​,​ ​by Joan Didion, death

is presented in its various forms, both concluding the story and beginning it. The novel presents

suicide, murder, and unintended death, each a different form of death. Depicted in the novel is

the morbid life of Maria Wyeth in a full flashback of events leading to her current position in a

mental hospital. This recurring theme of death negatively impacts the main character, Maria, as

well as those around her throughout the novel.

At the beginning of the novel, we are introduced to the chaotic character Maria Wyeth.

From the start, it is obvious that Maria has issues stemming from death-induced trauma and a

self-destructive adulthood. We learn relatively early on that the main traumatic incident that

occurs in her lifetime is the sudden death of her mother. Maria’s mother dies in a car crash on the

way to Tonapah. It is uncertain whether or not the death was intentional, but to most it was just

seen as an unintended death. In a recent article titled “The Death of a Parent Affects Even Grown

Children Psychologically and Physically” that discusses the negative effects of losing a parent,

author Joshua A. Krisch quotes Dr. Nikole Benders-Hadi, who states that the sudden loss of a

parent often leads to the “diagnosis of major depressive disorder or even PTSD” (Krisch).

Although it does not explicitly state anywhere in the novel that Maria suffers from PTSD, it can
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be inferred that she is heavily impacted and could have underlying mental issues rooted in the

death of her mother. Maria finds herself having nightmares where her mother is plotting her

death or attempting to contact Maria before taking her life; she “imagined her mother trying to

call her from a payphone in Tonopah… getting the operator and getting New York and then the

answering service picking up the call” (61). This presents the fact that Maria is heavily impacted

by her mother’s death and somewhat blames herself for what happened, which is not uncommon.

When deaths are unexplained, those closest to the victim tend to take the blame which is

detrimental to their mental state. In particular, Maria, caught in the life of fame, is seemingly

hard to get in contact with. From Ivan, her ex, expressing his failed attempts to contact Maria, to

the missed calls she constantly receives... it isn’t hard to assume that her mother could have tried

to contact her but the automatic system kept her from succeeding; the thought of having been

able to speak to her mother or even potentially having been able to prevent what happened to her

mother haunts Maria. Though, it is unknown whether or not it was actually intentional. This all

ties back to the idea of death impacting Maria because the loss of her mother torments her

through nightmares and horrific thoughts years later.

Even after somewhat escaping her initial hardships, Maria is still followed and caught in

the affairs of the Grim Reaper. After cheating on her husband Carter with Les Goodwin, Maria

finds herself pregnant, and somehow she sees no issue with this. Once Carter finds out, he

blatantly pushes Maria to get an abortion by threatening to take away Kate, their mentally ill

daughter and the last person Maria truly cares about. Giving in to his demands for the sake of her

daughter, Maria hesitantly agrees. Shortly after the abortion is carried out, Maria watches the

surgeon enter the bathroom, but doesn’t recall if he brought the pail that holds the aborted fetus
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with him into the room. Paranoia fills her for the following months. When faced with plumbing

issues, she couldn’t bring herself to hire someone to fix things because “she had known all along

what would be found in the pipes, what hacked pieces of human flesh” (97). This refers to the

idea of the fetus remnants being lost somewhere in the pipes. Although it is controversial, this

abortion can be depicted by many as murderous, thus being another form of death. The thought

of the fetus being flushed down the toilet or washed down the drain haunts her because there’s

evidence of what she did. The death of this fetus quite literally follows Maria in her head, as she

never truly accepted the abortion. She believes the flesh of the baby is in the pipes, and “there

would be plumbing anywhere she went” (104). Pipelines trail everywhere around us-- from the

gaps in our walls to the floor beneath our feet-- the idea that the baby is still there haunts Maria.

She will inevitably have to face this thought on a constant basis, almost being a parallel to how

death is inevitable. The chilling memories of the abortion cannot be avoided or forgotten, nor can

death. This ultimately affects Maria because her mental health is constantly depleting and she

has to live with this constant anxiety caused by the abortion, just because she had to fulfill

Carter’s desires. The theme of death is present in this situation in the fact that Maria is cursed

with the dead fetus figuratively following her.

Maria is not only affected by death occurring around her; since her abortion, Maria is

convinced she is going to die. After the abortion, Maria believes that while she is bleeding

heavily that she is coming to her fate, even after being told bleeding is normal after such a

gruesome operation. We know this because while Carter is calling Maria, he says, “You just told

me you were dying,” almost in a scolding manner (93). Despite her losing an unusual amount of

blood in the weeks following the operation, she is not dying. Still, she whole-heartedly believes
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that she is fated to die soon and is willing to simply accept it, rather than prevent it. This shows

her poor mental state. It’s almost eerie how she is not suicidal but accepts death with open arms.

These thoughts of accepting death have affected her by changing her mental state and making

her overall more pessimistic. After sleeping with an actor who disrespects her, Maria steals a

Ferrari from his garage and drives off with it. To our knowledge, Maria is headed toward

Tonopah to see the graves of her parents, but “her mother and father were not buried in

Tonopah” (154). This ties back to the beginning of the novel where Maria’s mother dies in a

brutal crash. We read that Maria’s “mother ran [her] car off the highway outside Tonopah,”

where she ultimately met her grotesque fate (8). It can be inferred that Maria had no interest in

visiting their actual graves, she wanted to go to where her mother died and possibly take the

same fate. Before harming herself or anyone else, “[Maria] was stopped for speeding outside

Tonopah” (154). From this line alone, we know Maria is found driving dangerously fast, putting

her own life at risk as well as others… she is practically inviting death to her doorstep. Although

she does not have present any suicidal tendencies, it is clear that she is careless with her life,

knowing there’s nothing in both life and death. This can be described as being an almost

existential state of mind. Death as a theme is shown in this entire scenario because her mother

died, which impacted her and influenced her to drive on the same freeway and seek out the fate

her mother had unfortunately taken.

Although the book primarily revolves around Maria and her misfortune, other characters

are seen being affected by death’s grip as well. BZ, a friend of Maria and husband to Helene, is

portrayed as being suicidal and dull. Despite not being a very likable character due to being

abusive toward Helene and overall possessing negative traits, the audience is pushed into
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sympathizing with BZ as he slowly presents his slowly-evolving desire to end his life. After an

exhausting interaction with a few characters in a bathhouse, Maria can only bear talking with

BZ, but BZ seems almost lifeless. While listing names of people she is growing tired of, BZ

interrupts:

“What else are you tired of.”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re getting there,” BZ said.

“Getting where.”

“Where I am.” (192)

In this interaction, it can be concluded that BZ is talking about how he is tired of everything. His

lack of interest has gone from people to life as a whole, and he believes Maria is headed down

the same path. This could be because he is bleak and exhausted, thus speaking in a pessimistic

tone, or because he genuinely believes Maria is headed toward self-destruction and this is meant

to be taken as a subtle hint that she needs to take control of her life before reaching that point.

From the very beginning of the novel, the audience is made aware that BZ is dead, this being the

final factor that lands Maria a spot in a mental hospital. Ultimately, he is figuratively both the

beginning and ending of the novel and is arguably a representation of life and death. At the end

of the novel, BZ takes somewhere from twenty to thirty capsules of Seconal— a medication

purposed to induce sleep— while holding Maria’s hand. Relating back to Maria being affected

by death and BZ being seen as the personification of life and death, this moment between the two

shows death having a literal grip on Maria since he is holding her hand. This scene also directly

correlates with the beginning of the story whereas Maria is resting by a pool with nurses in the
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scene, Helene says, “I’m the one who should be ‘resting,’ I’m the one who lost BZ through

[Maria’s] carelessness” (12). What Helene tells us is that at the beginning of the novel, BZ is

dead and it has already made its impact on everyone involved in his life. These two scenes show

that the theme of death both begins the novel and ends it, impacting the characters negatively

from start to finish.

Despite Maria being the one who ends up hospitalized after witnessing BZ’s death, it can

be concluded that Helene is still heavily impacted by the loss. Helene’s reaction and life after BZ

is hardly touched upon in the novel, but in the beginning she expresses her dislike toward Maria

after the incident. She seems almost bitter. In the aforementioned scene, Helene says she does

not blame Maria for anything that happened to her, but she is the one who truly suffered.

Although she claims she doesn’t put the blame on Maria, she blatantly states that while casually

lounging by the pool, Maria is wearing “the same bikini she was wearing the summer she killed

BZ” (12). Helene, perhaps unconsciously, believes that Maria is the sole reason that BZ dies and

even goes to say Maria killed him. The accusation of murder is one of the forms of death, now

taking its toll on Helene instead of Maria. This comment by Helene is likely out of rage. As

mentioned before, Helene had expressed that she suffered after losing BZ. An article published

by Harvard Health, titled “Left behind after suicide,” briefly describes the negative impact

suicide has on those who knew the victim. When describing the trauma that follows such a

horrific incident, the article explains that those who were closely involved with the victim often

“have recurring thoughts of the death and its circumstances, replaying the final moments over

and over in an effort to understand” (“Left behind after suicide”). It’s not difficult to imagine that

Helene suffered a great deal after losing her former spouse. This is most likely the suffering that
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Helene refers to when she says she deserves relaxation more than Maria does. Helene likely has

recurring thoughts of seeing a lifeless BZ because she found him the morning he died. After BZ

commit suicide, Maria recalls that “she had never heard anyone scream the way Helene

screamed,” meaning Helene was present and had to see the body of her ex-spouse after he took

his own life (213). This would be a scarring experience for anyone. Even seeing the dead body of

a stranger has been told to cause serious mental issues. A mental issue that is often developed

after traumatic events is PTSD, which Helene likely suffers after seeing the body. Death ties into

Helene’s life by taking her previous lover’s life, thus heavily impacting her mental health.

Despite not taking her own life in the end, Maria expresses that life is meaningless,

showing her existential mindset. After having confirmation that Carter is sleeping with Helene,

BZ asks Maria, “Tell me what matters,” to which she responds “Nothing” (202). What this refers

to is the idea that nothing in life matters, there is no purpose and neither of them truly have

anything worth living for. I find this idea can be related to a quote from Alan Watts, a British

philosopher. In a video titled, “Is there a Purpose to Living? - Alan Watts,” a snippet from one of

Watts’ lectures discusses whether or not life even has a meaning. Watts says, “We think life has

a purpose, now, it’s like the waves washing against the shore, on and on forever with no

meaning” (“Is there a Purpose to Living?” 1:56). The quote means that life is purposeless; it’s

just something that happens and you just live through it even if there’s no true meaning, but one

can give it their own meaning. After saying she has nothing, Maria decides in the end to carry on

and not let death take her. During the entire novel, death torments her in many ways, but she

ultimately takes control of her fate and keeps living. The novel ends with the thought-provoking

lines, written by Maria: “I know what ‘nothing’ means, and keep on playing. Why, BZ would
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say. Why not, I say” (214). She is living simply to live; Maria gives the word nothing a new

meaning that pushes her to keep going. This all ties back to the theme of death because BZ killed

himself when he saw life has no purpose, but Maria decides to combat death and keep living,

even with no reason to carry on.

Death in its various forms is prominent as a theme throughout the novel, negatively

affecting both Maria and those involved with her. Being haunted by her mother’s death,

constantly reminded of the abortion, and terrorized by existential thoughts, Maria cannot escape

the inevitability of death. Others, primarily BZ and Helene, are impacted by the intensity and

aftermath of suicidal thoughts resulting in action. To conclude, so long as you give “nothing” a

meaning, it is something.
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Works Cited

Didion, Joan. ​Play It as It Lays.​ Farrar, Straus and Giroux. 1970

“Is there a Purpose to Living? - Alan Watts” ​Youtube,​ uploaded by theJourneyofPurpose TJOP.

30 Oct. 2014, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21RwqnB8GrE

Accessed 19 Nov. 2019.

Krisch, Joshua A. “The Death of a Parent Affects Even Grown Children Psychologically

andPhysically.” ​Fatherly​, 11 Nov. 2019,

www.fatherly.com/health-science/parent-death-psychological-physical-effects/.

Accessed 17 Nov. 2019.

“Left behind after Suicide.” ​Harvard Health,​

www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/left-behind-after-suicide.

Accessed 19 Nov. 2019.