19 Essential Rules for Office Bathroom Etiquette

You’d think things would be different when you’re in some I.M. Pei building, surrounded by educated, smart
people in suits. But, it’s not. Office bathrooms, and trading floor bathrooms in particular, too often look like some
Hackney pub loo on a bank holiday weekend.

This list has been compiled many times before. But trust me, it’s worth saying again and in a way that’s never
quite been said before. I’ll assume a modicum of intelligence and civility by skipping things like “wash your
hands” or “don’t make a mess” and just focus on what you need to know:

1. Don’t spend more time building the nest than you spend sitting on it.

2. Don’t wear shoes memorable enough to be recognized under a bathroom stall.

3. Find the safe haven toilets, usually located on the client meeting floor (with nicer bathrooms).

4. Don’t provide colleagues with any details of your experience (i.e. “I just created a Pollock on porcelain
masterpiece”).

5. Don’t wait for someone to open the door for you or bother using a hand towel on the knob. Grow up. If you
shake hands, ride in cabs, or eat in restaurants, this won’t make a difference.

6. Don’t take a newspaper with you. No, guys, you are not exempt; this applies to all 56 genders. There’s a reason
why smartphones are so unsanitary.

7. No long conversations at the urinal (a simple “Hey man” or nod is acceptable). And, absolutely no talking
between stalls.

8. Don’t announce your trips beforehand. I can’t help but time you, and I really don’t want to. My Cosmograph
Daytona isn’t just for looks; it’s got a stopwatch.

9. The only thing worse than seeing a legible ID badge at someone’s ankles is watching it scrape against the putrid
tiles below the bowl. It begs the question, “What other bad choices are you making?”
10. No loitering. Get in and out as efficiently as possible; you never know what you’ll encounter. I once saw what
I can only presume was a four-legged man in stall at a gas station on I-95.

11. Avoid the last stall; studies have shown it to be the most unsanitary because people incorrectly assume it to
be the least trafficked. The same is true with the handicapped-only toilets, but that’s for other reasons (lonely
nights working late).

12. If there’s a nice hotel nearby, take a walk. Then grab a coffee on your way back, just to let your stomach know
who’s boss.

13. Don’t talk on the phone. If I’m on the other end and I hear an echo, any weird noises, or even a sloppy attempt
at muting, I’m hanging up.

14. If you toss your tie over your shoulder at the urinal, either your tie is too long or your d*ck is too short.

15. Don’t flush with your foot. All you’re doing is transferring urine and fecal matter from the floor to the handle.
Do you not trust your own ability to wash your hands?

16. They’re not movie theater seats. I don’t care how entertaining this timeline is, handle your business and get
out. (Hiding interns get a pass on this.)

17. No laughing at (or acknowledging) the strange noises. And, no jokes. We’ve all heard “How do blind people
know when to stop wiping?” before.

18. No pulling rank. In the bathroom, everyone is equal, including your boss’ boss.

19. Don’t spit gum into the urinal. The guy who has to pick that out with his hands took two buses and a 5 a.m.
train to get here, and he still manages to smile when he says hello.

7 Rules of Men’s Bathroom Etiquette

Rule #1 – The Buffer Urinal

What’s more uncomfortable than rubbing elbows with a stranger while standing, legs akimbo to avoid the puddle,
at the urinal? This is basic field strategy here guys. Dave Barry covered this years ago. You never, ever, ever,
select a urinal directly next to one already in use, not when there’s a choice anyway. If there are three urinals to
choose from, pick one on the outside. Leave the center one for the guy who may actually die if he doesn’t get to
the bathroom. If the one of the outside ones is in use, choose the one on the opposite end of the bank. If both
outside ones are in use and only the center one is available, wait. One of the other guys will be done soon.
Rule #2 – Announce Your Presence
If you are using a stall and have the place to yourself, it’s one thing. But as soon as you hear the door open, you
need to make your presence known. Am I suggesting that you say ‘hi’ and introduce yourself? Absolutely not.
No way. Instead, do a little cough. A sniff can be mistaken for the shuffling of a shopping bag or a heavy winter
parka. Plus, you may not want to be inhaling through your nose. I’m just saying. A cough is more effective,
distinct and has the added bonus of being absolutely, 100% impersonal. Let’s remember, you’re in there to get
something down, not to make a friend.

Rule #3 – Ignore My Kid

This should go without saying. I shouldn’t even need to put it here, but, inevitably, there is a guy every weekend
– at Costco, say – who breaks this cardinal rule and feels the need to comment about the fact that my kid either
a) really has to go or b) “made it.” This second one is especially creepy. It implies the guy was monitoring my
kid’s transaction somehow and is especially creepy when accompanied by a groan, the kind someone does as they
stretch in the morning. My kids are my business. I don’t like the idea that they need to be in the men’s room. I’d
rather use the family bathroom, but it seems like it is always taken when I need it the most. My children will have
enough reason for emotional scarring. They don’t need Old Man Winter making a comment regarding their “pee-
pee.”

Rule #4 – No Eye Contact, No Talking

Okay, I have had exactly one interesting conversation with a stranger in a public restroom. It was at a grocery
store. He was old, a WWII vet who was waiting for his meds. He seemed a bit lost and confused and began talking
to me as I was washing my hands. But that one incident does not make it okay to speak with or look directly at
another man in the men’s room. It’s never okay. Don’t be the guy who walks into the bathroom and tries to strike
up a conversation or says something like, “Whew, it smells like Big Foot’s tomb in here!” Even if it were funny,
the situation does not call for comedy. If there is, for some extreme reason, an occasion that necessitates inter-
personal communication, eye contact is strictly prohibited. Stand, stock still, eyes forward like a Marine on
inspection. When entering and exiting, keep your eyes down. When standing at the sink, it’s okay to look at
yourself in the mirror, but absolutely never should peeking at your neighbor be allowed. Ever.

Rule #5 – Clean Up After Yourself

If you dribble on the seat, leave a mess of water and soap around the sink or miss the waste basket with an errant
paper towel, pick it up. This isn’t elementary school, this is a men’s room. You may be in a huge hurry to get out
of there and I understand that, but come on, you’re an adult. Act like it. If you leave drops on the seat or a toilet
unflushed, that automatically removes that particular facility from use for at least 10 hours. Have some decency.
And while you’re at it, after you rip off some paper towel, wipe the push bar and start the roll out so the next guy
can rip a piece directly off. Why should I have to suffer your laziness the next time I go to get some paper towel
only to touch an oddly gelatinous coating on the handy push bar? Clean and dry, that’s how you should leave the
place. Repeat the backpacker’s mantra to yourself over and over: “Leave no trace. Leave no trace.”

Rule #6 – The Proper Stance

Whether in a stall or at a urinal, keep your stance narrow and your positioning square against the target. In the
stall, a wide stance could lead to unexpected touching or, worse in the case of Senator Larry Craig, a political
scandal. It’s important at the urinal too. No one wants to touch boots while you’re doing that. And if you stand at
an angle, you’re likely to incur civilian backsplash casualties. I shouldn’t have to wear a disposable poncho into
the men’s room because you don’t understand that the angle of incident is equal to the angle of reflection. In
short: AIM.
Rule #7 – Don’t Linger
I am as guilty as the next guy of spending, perhaps, a bit too long in my bathroom at home. A lot of times, it’s the
only time I get to myself to read or get caught up on all the staring and doing nothing I have fallen so far behind
on since the kids came along. But, not here, not in the men’s room. Those who linger here are waiting for
something. What? A chance to mug someone? A new friend? A visit from aliens? How am I supposed to know?
It’s not something I do. When it comes to the men’s room, think about Chile’s. ‘Get in. Get out. Get on with life.’
Put an end to the awkwardness and discomfort. Do your thing and move on. The men’s room is not the place to
stop and smell the roses.