Family is the biggest factor in a child’s life.

The values a child learns from it forms

the character one will be in the future. I have come upon hardships that hindered me from

expressing my emotions. Due to the age gap I have with my siblings, I had a hard time

coping up with them. There were instances when I would doubt myself because of being

in a woeful state which I had no strength to nullify. At an early age, due to growing up in

a big family I was subjected to different complications which helped me grow further. In

spite of the seemingly endless self-doubts, I’ve learn to grasp the idea of life isn’t easy.

Being youngest in the family lumps pressure on me, brings guilt whenever I cause my

family disappointment, and makes me feel insecure when they compare me with others.

Having been born as the youngest established pressure upon me.

Reflecting back, my siblings would frequently tell me what our mom have experienced to

be able to deliver me. Before my mother gave birth to me, she has undergone C-section

with my brother and had to go through it once more. She wasn’t able to deliver naturally

again due to her age and health conditions which led to her being confined two weeks

before giving birth to me. She was forty-three, diabetic and near her menopausal stage.

Due to the age gap I have my siblings, expressing my feelings was hard, and I had a hard

time coping up with their broad expectations for me. The stories they shared on how I

was born intrigued me, I started thinking how confounding doctors are since my mother

who had gone arduous situations survived without casualties due to their successful

procedures. It was through their stories I envisioned myself as an aspiring doctor. When

I told them about pursuing doctoral degree in college they were pleased to know about it.
At first, I was delightfully joyous knowing they weren’t inconsiderate rather they were

extremely supportive of this dream of mine. As time goes on, I gradually felt the pressure

brought about their great expectations. They would often remind me how privileged I am

to be studying in an International School thus insensitively insisting me to strive even

more. Unlike other students who were gifted with knowledge and talent, I had to work

twice as hard as them to make my family proud. Often times, they would tell me to be

able to pursue doctoral degree I must always study hard and be a top student. They would

also say as the youngest my mother prioritizes me, in return I should try to meet their

expectations. They weren’t aware on how I wouldn’t get enough sleep due to my

eagerness to remain at the top which seemingly frustrated me over time. It didn't occur to

me that I've been doing everything for them and not for myself; it only bothered me when

I realized that it wasn't fulfilling even when I succeeded countless times to certain events.

My heart wasn't satisfied. During eight-grade, my dream on being doctor shifted on

becoming a lawyer instead— which my family disapproved of. My mom seems to have

noticed I got more interested in the idea of becoming a lawyer, so she told me about the

experiences she has encountered with lawyers that gave me doubts in pursuing the

profession. I realized, no matter how much good they put in their initiatives, I couldn’t

react well to it. Instilling pressure on me had adverse affect on my growth, however it was

through pressure I have learnt to meet expectations— of my own, not my families. Despite

of persisting me on matters I wasn’t inclined on, my parents’ intentions were good

although they were unaware of what I was feeling.

My lack of trust in my capabilities pushes me to think I’m a disappointment. When

I was in kindergarten, I belonged in a class referred to as 'section-one' they said it's where
students who are smart and have high average supposed to be. I was in the 'section-one'

class from nursery to kinder-two. Our class was consisting of thirty-two students. During

our graduation day, our section was separated from all of the section-two students which

didn't matter for me until my classmates individually stood, received their awards and took

a picture as a class. I was surrounded by thirty-one empty chairs, disappointed what had

happened. My mother told me to stay with her instead of remaining in my sit without

anyone beside me. Through my shortcomings I've found the urge to strive more with

determination. The disappointment in their eyes were visible whenever they’ll see me rely on

other people. What helped me grow further as a person is when they have taught me to grow

independently— to not depend on anyone but myself. To the simplest mathematical up to the

hardest given questions my family never helped me solve any. I long for attention yet

even a bit was not given. I remember a time when I had to ask help from my brother

because I was really puzzled over on how to create eight origami animals. My brother

sent me a site in YouTube and told me to figure it out on my own. The disappointment in

his eyes were so noticeable that my mom had to step-in and tell me that I’m already twelve

years’ old there was no need to help me. I did not hold grudges against my mother

although it truly hurts me to know that I’m incapable of asking help from my very own

family. As someone who had a positive mindset, I convinced myself it is something

beneficial towards my growth.

The amount of demeaning words they hurl to me made me lack confidence.

As time goes by, I joined volleyball in grade 9. I wanted to try and explore new things I

believe are not really beyond what I’m capable of doing. Frightened on how my mom will
view this as depending on her, from the first trainings we had up to the last I have never

asked for a give single penny. She did not really like the idea of me playing volleyball but

I didn’t give up in volleyball since it helped me through unnerving attitude. There were

unanticipated situations when I cannot even buy myself food anymore mainly because of

the tight budget I have. I was immensely envious to my teammates; they receive the

support they crave for. Meanwhile, I had to provide for myself. I was hoping in return; my

family could watch me play. My brother was a varsity player during his high school days.

As expected, I was harshly compared to my brother and my friend who is good in playing

volleyball. It felt unclear to me on how they can just suddenly compare me to other people

without considering of what I would feel. I did not think about it too much since I know

deep down I’m also good in my own unique capabilities. Comparing me will not cease

me from doing my best. I remember feeling mirthful as I saw my family inside the Malolos

Convention during Darwin’s Interbranch. It was the very first time that they attended one

of my school programs. At first, I felt propitious since we had a chance to be the

champions. I wanted to show them what I have accomplished from once a shy student,

now a volleyball player.

Unfortunately, we lost our first game against the Lions and so does the

taste of victory with it. I went near my family, expecting to be comforted by euphonious

words instead I can still vividly remember how my sister told me I just wasted my time,

money, and effort since I did not do anything to help my team win and I was the reason

behind why we lost. They were inconsiderate of what I was feeling and kept saying

insensitive words towards me. I was at the urge of breaking down, I couldn’t bear with it
anymore, but suddenly Monchi, a friend of mine, made me feel that I’m not the person

whom my family think of since I know myself more than they do. It made me stay intact

with myself, I received the validation I needed. I was afraid by the thought of obtaining the

support I needed from a friend. I began to acknowledge the fact that it’s not so bad being

vocal towards those I trust and feel like I can depend on even though I’m not biologically-

related to them. I finally felt like there was somebody I can depend on without hesitations

nor worries.

The pressure my family instilled in me, the indubitable expectations, and

endless indistinct comparisons— which I all turned into motivation for my life; for me to

keep going with determination, strive harder, and for me to pursue true greatness in my

life. They were simply part of my truth. There are times I mislead my family’s care for me

because of how they would strongly act in front of me that makes me believe they’re

disregarding my emotions. It never once occurred to me to resent my family. Through

these arduous situations, I have become grateful for the people who stayed and helped

me progress, I’ve also learnt how sincere my siblings’ hearts were despite their insensitive

words toward me. A family’s love is incomparably different. Regardless of people trying

to make me feel invalidated I will firmly stand still acknowledging myself with genuine

love. Self-love has become a powerful source within me that attracts better. The more I

choose to love myself, the less I seek for validation and approval.