Success in the Grhastha Asrama By Jaya Sila Dasa VRNDAVAN INSTITUTE FOR HIGHER EDUCATIONCourse Contents . Inspiration for the Grihastha asrama What is the meaning of shelter or security in this asrama? Is it possible? Establish the ability of the Grihastha asrama to provide opportunity to make substantial spiritual advancement. Have we over emphasised “Renunciation”? Shining light into “The deep dark well”. Rn Psychology Training to understand your partner. Establish the clear and obvious differences between men and women; they are so fundamentally different that when carefully studied, you might say that it appears that they are from different planets oe Ideal Husbands, Ideal Wives Men’s and women’s list of duties Establish the Vedic role models The art is how to adjust according to time, place and circumstances a) Living a balanced life We have many roles to play ‘Need to organise one’s life and time. Setting priorities. Area of influence - Area of concern Doing first things first ee ee ee Great Expectations What do we expect from our partner- Husband of wife, wife of husband? It will change as we get older The key is to develop trust in the relationship Developing a rich “Emotional Bank Account” with your partner ec een 6. Choosing a partner Adult devotees Making arrangements for our children. Astrology? . Sex life - according to religious principles. How is it possible? Different levels of falldown ‘Need to develop relationship as friends. eeen 8, Earning a livelihood / Economics Need for piously accumulated wealth © What is to be understood by “ collecting only enough money to keep body and soul together”?What is the duty of the Grihastha? 9. The art of listening © The first step in building a relationship. «Seek first to understand. © Opening up lines of communication Assertive communication - sending “ I messages”. 10. Conflict Resolution © Some guidelines «Think win-win. Possibly a new way of thinking 11. Maintaining marriage vows © Developing spiritual love Making a 100% commitment Separation and Divorce? 12. Ways to enrich Marriage and family relationships «Three do’s and three don’ts * Family Mission Statements ‘+ Eight principle centred practices to re-vitalise your marriage 13 Contentious Issues © Must all women get married? * Renunciation - a proper understanding in relationship to the Grihastha asrama * Polygamy 14. Dealing with children * consistency consequences listening emphatically How to train/ discipline How to develop love/ trust Teaching your children values (Book by Linda Richard Eyre). If we don’t teach them materialistic society will. 15. From childhood to youth © How to prepare ahead of time. * How to respond to changing relationships. + They seem to want the best of both worlds- What to do? 16. Sense control « Householder is on the safe side + Some practical hints. * Marriage will be spoiled if no sense control * Affection shouldn’t be translated to mean sex lifeVAISNAVA INSTITUTE FOR HIGHER EDUCATION The International Society for Krishna Consciousness Founder-Acarya: His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada Preface 1 offer my respectful obeisances to my Spiritual Master His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, without who’s causeless mercy we would be unable to utter a singie word about the science of Krsna consciousness By His grace and the encouragement of many of His sincere followers we have been inspired to present this VIHE course There is a great need for social development and stability within the Krsna consciousness movement. It is our sincere hope that this simple presentation will help to dispel much of the ignorance perpetuated about living as a Krsna conscious Grihastha in the modem day and age. We hope that devotees all over the world will feel encouragement and inspiration to achieve “Success in the Grihastha Asrama” and thus bring satisfaction and pleasure to our Founder-Acarya Srila Prabhupada Your servant, Jaya Sila Das Adhikari. Presented as an offering to Srila Prabhupada for His Centennial celebrations. November 14th. (Srila Prabhupada’s disappearance day) 1996 Sri Vrindavana Dhama N.B. It should be noted that, although these course materials may be helpful in and of themselves, they are only “guidelines” to the complete course.VIHE Seminar - Kartik ‘97 Success in the Grihastha Asrama Course Mission Statement To increase the quality of life of the devotees by helping them develop the required skills to happily perform their duties as Grihastha men and women. Objectives + Establish faith in the Grihastha asrama’s ability to help one make substantial spiritual advancement. * Provide practical skills to improve student’s performance in the various roles they must play, as father, mother, husband, wife, etc. «Increase student's knowledge of what standards are expected of, and acceptable for, Grihastha devotees in ISKCON. * Increase the self esteem of students by encouraging them to see themselves as responsible members of the Grihastha asrama. * Increase student’s personal commitment to making their own marriage and family life successful.Success in the Grihastha Asrama 1. Inspiration for the Grihastha asrama 1. The third canto of Srimad Bhagavatam gives us an inspiring example of successful Grihastha life. 1.1 Emperor Svayambhuva Manu enjoyed life with his wife and subjects and fulfilled his desires without being disturbed by unwanted principles contrary to the process of religion. Every day he used to listen to the pastimes of the lord with a loving heart, Purport (excerpts) ‘There is no restriction against living with a wife and children, but life should be so conducted that one may not go against the principles of religion, economic development, regulated sense enjoyment and ultimately liberation from material existence. ‘The Vedic principles are designed in such a way that the conditioned souls who have come to this material existence may be guided in fulfilling their material desires and at the same time be liberated and go back to Godhead, back home, Itis understood that emperor Svayambhuva Manu enjoyed his house hold life by following these principles. (SB. 3 Ch 22 text 33) 2. BG.18th chapter Conclusion - The Perfection of Renunciation 2.1 Arjuna asks Krsna to clearly explain Renunciation and Sannyasa ‘The Lord gives his absolute opinion that renunciation is of 3 kinds - goodness, passion, ignorance, BG 18.5 (Purport) Srila Prabhupada directly states that even Sannyasis should encourage the marriage ceremony which is meant to regulate the human mind so that it may become peaceful for spiritual advancement. For most men this Viraha Yajna should be encouraged. Especially young men. BG 18.6 All activities should be performed as a matter of duty, BG 18.7 Prescribed duties should never be renounced. If one gives them up due to illusion such renunciation is in the mode of ignorance. BG 18.49 One who is self controlled and unattached and who disregards all material enjoyments can obtain, by practice of renunciation, the highest stage of freedom from reaction. Purport: The person acting in Krsna consciousness is really a sannyasi, one in the renounced order of life. A sannyasi is supposed to be free from the reactions of his past activities, but a person who is in Krsna consciousness automatically attains this perfection without even accepting the so called order of renunciation. BG 18:50 (purport) Lord explains for Arjuna how one can achieve the highest perfectional stage simply by being engaged in his occupational duty, performing that duty for the Lord. 3). Important letter showing the current picture of failure presented to our devotees. i 1 You have written that it has been difficult to develop attachment because vou have besa ined that Grhastha life is a dark well. Grhastha life is a spiritual life, it is the grhamedhilife which is the dark well. nce. into an asrama with Krishna in the centre, whereas the grhamedhis use their home as a place for gratifying their senses. (Guru to disciple) 3.2. Regarding your having a house and material security, naturally you should have these things. Every householder should have a h i is famil can live comfortably and serve Krsna, There are some rare householders who never want this, and they may live in the temple ashrams for their whole life, but most of the householders in our society have their own places, have their own income, and take care of their own necessities. They don't live opulantly; generally speaking they are quite simple. When you visit their homes they are very modest, but, nonetheless, they are economically independent 4. Notes from Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur’s Sri Bhaktyaloka - Sadhu Vrtti 4.1 Following in the footsteps of the previous acaryas, there are two kinds of sadhus householders and renunciates, I will separately describe the vritti, or occupation, of each. Although householders and renunciates have different occupations, there are some they have in common 4.2. By passing life in one’s natural occupation, one can attain devotional service free from the modes of nature. Otherwise one will fall into irreligion and be unable to make gradual advancement. 4.3 If one acts in his profession according to his position in the modes of nature and gradually gives up these activities, he attains the transcendental position. 4.4 Therefore people can become free from the modes of nature if they pass their lives dovetailing everything- sattvika objects, activities, time and place with the devotional service of the Lord. 4.5 From all these conclusions of Srimad Bhagavatam it should be understood that, performing devotional service to Sri Hari is the only purpose of life, there is no other purpose. Unless one makes and subtle bodies favourable for i cannot engaged in such, There is a need for some arrangements in order to attain a favourable gondition in those two bodies. 46 First in order to maintain the gross body there is a need to accumulate a house, household items, grains, and drinks. For the prosperity of the subtle body one needs proper knowledge and a proper occupation. 4.7 In order to make the bodies completely favourable for devotional service, there is a need to situate them above the modes of nature. Due to the results of fruitive activities from time immemorial, whatever nature and desires a living entity develops is certainly a mixture of ‘goodness, passion, and ignorance. By first enriching the mode of goodness, one should diminish and defeat passion and ignorance and make goodness prominent. When the mode of ‘goodness is completely under the control of devotional service, then it becomes nirguna By following this gradual process one’s body, mind and environm¢ devotional service. 4.9 The occupational activities a man performs according to his own position are only so much useless labour if they do not provoke attraction for the message of the personality of Godhead.- SB.1.2.8, From this one should not conclude that Sri Caitordered us to discard vamasrama dharma, If that would have been the case, then He would not have instructed all living entities through his pastimes of completely following the orders of Grihasta and Sannyasa, 4.10 As long as one has material body the system of vamasrama dharma must be followed, but it should remain under the full control and domination of Bhakti. Vamasrama dharma is like the foundation of one’s supreme occupational duty. 4.11 is proper occupation? To know this, one should fiour of Sri Caitan Mahaprabhu’s followers. First I will write about the behaviour and occupation of the grihastha, as found in the character of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu and his devotees. 4.12 Asa support for his devotional service, a houscholder should find a suitable wife, In the Caitanya Caritamrita Adi 15.26.27 the Lord says: Since I am remaining at home it is my duty to act as a grihastha; without a wife there is no meaning to householder life. 4.13 A householder should take the principles of renunciation to heart; but he should not simply dress as a renunciate. 4.14 Sri Caitanya said be patient and retum home. Don’t be crazy fellow. By and by you will be able to cross the ocean of material existence. You should not make yourself a show bottle devotee and become a false reruunciate. For the time being, enjoy the material world in a befitting way and do not become attached to it. Within your heart, you should keep yourself very faithful, but extemally you may behave like an ordinary man. Thus Krsna will soon be very pleased and deliver you form the clutches of Maya. 4.15 In the Srimad Bhagavatam 11,20.27-8 Lord Krsna describes how a householder should ct until his natural propensity for enjoying sense objects is overcome and he fully attains the characteristic of a pure devotee, Having awakened faith in the narrations of my glories, being disgusted with all material activities, knowing that all sense gratification leads to misery, but still being unable to ounce all sense enjoyment, my otee remail and ips me wit faith conviction. Even though he is sometimes in s¢ \joyment, my lows. all sense tification leads to a miserable result, he sinc such activities. 4.16 A grihastha Vaisnava should model his character after that of Lord Caitanya and his followers. A householder should follow the ways of life and obtain his means of livelihood as exhibited by Lord Caitanya and his followers. If one desires Krsna in all his activities, then those activities are auspicious. By endeavouring to gratify one’s senses and attain irrelevant fruits, one becomes a materialist. 4.17 For a devotee, to remain a householder or to become a renunciaate is the same thing, Srila Ramananda Raya, Sri Pundarika Vidyanidhi, Sri Srivasa Pandita, Sri Sivananda Sena, Sri Satyaraja Khan, and Sri Advaita Prabhu were all grihasthas and have shown us the way of faultless living. The difference between a householder and a renunciate is due to their different means of livelihood. If the home is favourable for a devotee’s devotional service, then he should not leave. It is his duty to remain a Grihasta with detachment. But when the home becomes unfavourable for his service, he then becomes eligible to leave home. At that time the detachment he develops for his house through his devotional service is accepted, For this reason, Srivasa Pandita did not leave home. For this reason, Svarupa Damodara took sannyasa. All genuine devotees have remained either at home or in the forest 13ee ee ee ee due to this consideration. Whoever has left home due to this consideration is called a genuine renunciate. 5. Quotations from Srila Prabhupada 5.1 It doesn’t matter which ashram one is in Narada is a brahmacari. Lord Brahma is also a grihastha, Lord Sivais also a grihastha, Kumara, brahmacari, Kapila, brahmacari. So there are many. Yamaraja is also a grihastha. ‘Sukadeva Gosvami is a brahmacari. So it doesn’t matter whether one is a brahmacari, a householder or a sannyasi. He must try to become a confidential servant of the Lord. Then he becomes the representative of God, Krsna. (Bhagavad Gita lecture 1.5.74) 5.2 Even Lord Kens and Lord Coltsnys married Itis not that unless one becomes a sannyasi or a strict brahmacari, highest perfection of life, No. Even in married life, But one has to adjust it, Married life means not sex enjoyment. It is not a license for sex enjoyment. Although it is some sort of license, but it can be utilised. It can be utilised for producing children of Krsna vill ife, the wife for ig Lecture 5/6/69) ll help the husband ad the benefit of the total human society. Thank you very much. (Wed 5.3 Grihastha Ashram is as good as the Sanyasa Ashram Guest (4): Butis it possible to lead the life of a Prabhupada: Well, Arjuna was grhastha and a ki litician, If he could leam within halfan bout the aim of life, then where is the difficulty fora grhastha? Arjuna was not a it was jim only, and Krsna selected that "Y is : Scien no cnt of eda aun The oe pe BS Guest (4): Is it possible to develop some such kind of psyche? Prabhupada: Yes, why not? Arjuna was not willing to fight. Then he developed; "Yes, I must fight for Krsna." That is development. Guest (4): So there is no conflict between the. Prabhupada: Grhastha is also asrama, It is as good as sannyasa asrama, You can accept any asrama suitable for you, but asrama means cultivation of spiritual knowledge, That is the difference between asrama and ordinary house, Now, this building is called temple, and the next building is called house, Why? The building is the same, But it is meant for cultivating spiritual knowledge. Therefore it is called temple, to understand God. The other house is, meant for eating, sleeping, mating and defending. Therefore they are house. So you can change your house into temple provided you try to understand God. Then itis asrama. Otherwise it is house (Room conversation 2/12/75) 5.4 Srila Vyasadeva was a householder yet his residential place is called an asrama, An asrama is a place where spiritual culture is always foremost. It does not matter whether the place belongs to a hot mendicant, The whole vamasrama system is so designed that each and every status of life is called an asrama. This means that spiritual culture is the common factor for all. The brahmacaris, the grhasthas, the vanaprasthas and the sannyasis all belong to the same mission of life, namely, realisation of the Supreme. Therefore none of them are less important as far as spiritual culture is concemed, The difference is a matter of formality on the strength of renunciation. The sannyasis are held in high estimation on the strength of practical renunciation, (Srimad Bhagavatam 1.7.2 Purport) 1-45.5 Ifa husband and wife combine together in Kri sciousness anid live together peacefully, that is very nice, However, if a husband becomes too much attracted by his wife and forgets his duty in life, the implications of materialistic life will again resume... Without ed by sex, the husband and wife may live together for the advancement ‘spiritual life, The husband should engage in devotional service, and the wife should be faithful and religious according to the Vedic injunctions. Such a combination is very good. Unfortunately, if the man becomes attracted to the woman simply for sex enjoyment, then family life becomes abominable. (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.27.1) 5.6 It is not necessary for one to abandon his family If we wish to become fully Krsna conscious, we have to give up the shackles of Maya, or, if we remain with Maya, we should live in such a way that we will not be subject to illusion. It isnot necessary for one to abandon his family, for there were many householders amongst 1d Caitanya’s closest devotees. What must be renounced is the propénsity for material enjoyment. Although Lord Caitanya approved of a householder having regulated sex in marriage, he was very strict with those in the renounced order, and he even banished Junior Haridasa for glancing lustfully at a young woman, The point is that one must take up a particular path and stick to it, obeying all the rules and regulation necessary for success in spiritual life. (C.C. Introduction) 5.7 A grhastha is a person who lives with family, wife, children and relatives but has no attachment for them. He prefers to live in family life rather than as a mendicant or sannyasi, but his chief aim is to achieve self-realisation or to come to the standard of Krsna consciousness. (Srimad Bhagavatam 9.10.11) 5.8 One who acts strictly in the line of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu is competent to offer blessing to sannyasis, even though he be a grihastha householder... He (Lord Caitanya) get the example of how one should expect blessings from a Vaisnava, regardless of his social position, (Srimad Bhagavatam 9.10.55) 5.9 A householder devotee who worships me by execution of his family duties may remain at home, go to a holy place or, if he has a responsible son, take Sannyasa. (Srimad Bhagavatam 11.17.56) 5.10 By regulated enjoyment we “gradually” come to the path of renunciation So both things are there, pravrtti-marga, nirvrtti-marga, because all the living entities who hhave come in this material world with a pravrtti, with an intention to enjoy this material ‘world, therefore they are regulated, There are two ways, nirvrtti-marga and pravrtti-marga. Pravriti-marga means he has got intention, desire for material enjoyment, So he' ~Do like this." so that he may come to the point of nirvrtti . jose of Vedas is to gradually, to him to the point of nirvrtti, Nirvrtti to make (Bhag. Lecture 10-17-72 ) 6, Strict Sadhana Bhakti is the Basis of Success 6.1 Basis of success - NOI. (P27) 1). Enthusiasm 2). Confidence 3). Patience 4). Acting according to religious principles 5). Abandoning association of non-devotees 6). Following footsteps of previous acaryas. 6.2 Without following Srila Prabhupada’s prescribed process of Sadhana Bhakti there will be little orno success in the ultimate issue.VIHE-Success in the Grihastha Asrama 2. Psychology L.1. This short story will help illustrate some of the fundamental differences between the psychology of men and women. A week after our daughter Sita was bom, my wife Laxmi and I were completely exhausted Each night Sita kept waking us. Laxmi had been tom in the delivery and was taking painkillers. She could barely walk. After five days of staying home to help I went back to the temple, She seemed to be getting better. While I was away she ran out of pain pills. Instead of calling me at the temple, she asked one of my brothers, who was visiting, to purchase more. My brother, however, did not retum with the pills, Consequently, she spent the whole day in pain, taking care of a new-born, Thad no idea that her day had been so awful. When I retumed home she was very upset. I misinterpreted the cause of her distress and thought she was blaming me. She said, “I’ve been in pain all day I ran out of pills. I’ve been stranded in bed and nobody cared!” | said defensively, “Why didn’t you call me?” She said, “I asked your brother, but he forgot! I’ve been waiting for him to retumn all day What am I supposed to do? I can barely walk. I feel so deserted! At this point I exploded. My fuse was also very short that day. I was angry that she hadn’t called me. I was furious that she was blaming me when I didn’t even know she was in pain After exchanging a few harsh words, I headed for the door. I was tired, irritable, and had heard enough. We had both reached our limits. Then something started to happen that would change my life. Laxmi said, “Stop please don’t leave. This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I haven't slept in days. Please listen to me.” I stopped for a moment to listen. She said, “Krsna Das, you're a fair weather friend! As soon as I’m sweet, loving Laxmi you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door.” Then she paused, and her eyes filled up with tears. As her tone shifted she said, “Right now I'm in pain. [have nothing to give, this is when I need you the most. Please come over here and hold me, You don’t have to say anything. Please don’t go.” I walked over and silently held her. She wept in my arms. After a few minutes, she thanked me for not leaving She told me that she just needed to feel me holding her. At that moment I started to realise the real meaning of live- unconditional love. I had always thought of myself as a loving person. But she was right. I had been a fair-weather friend. As Jong as she was happy and nice. | loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would fee! blamed and then argue or distance myself. ‘That day for the first time, I didn’t leave her. I stayed and it felt great. I succceded in giving to her when she really needed me. This felt like real love, Caring for another person. Trusting in our love. Being there at her hour of need. I marvelled at how easy it was for me to support her when T was shown the way 21How had I missed this ? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Laxmi needed but as a man, I didn’t know that touching, holding and listening were so important to her. By recognising these differences I began to Jeam a new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily. In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn’t know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult. This incident with Laxmi revealed to me how I could change this pattem. By leaming in very practical and specific terms about how men and women are different, I suddenly began to realise that my marriage did not need to be such a struggle. With this new awareness of our differences :Laxmi and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy our life together in Krsna consciousness. 1.2. General Psychology The basic psychology of a man and woman are different. One is not better than, or inferior to the other, just plain old different - apples and pears, peaches and bananas. When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom. We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways- the ways we react and behave when we love someone. 1.3. Man’s Psychology A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. To Offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. ‘* Generally speaking when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. 1.4. Women’s Psychology ‘+ Awoman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships + Ifaman does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions. ‘+ So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased. 1.5. For example Bhakti comes home from an exhausting day. She wants and needs to share her feelings about the day. Bhakti: “ There is so much to do; 1 don’t have any time for myself” Deva: “ You should quit that service. You don’t have to work so hard. Find something you like to do.”Bhakti says, “ But 1 like my service. They just expect me to change everything at a moment’s notice.” Deva says, “ Don’t listen to them. Just do what you can do." Bhakti says, “Lam! I can’t believe I completely forgot to call my aunt today.” Deva says, “ Don’t worry about it, she’ll understand.” Bhakti says, “Do you know what she is going through? She needs me,” Deva says, “ You worry too much, that’s why you're so’ unhappy.” Bhakti angrily says, “I am not always unhappy. Can’t you just listen to me? Deva says, “ I’m listening,” Bhakti says, “ Why do I even bother?” After this conversation, Bhakti was more frustrated than when she arrived home secking intimacy and companionship. Deva was also frustrated and had no idea what went wrong. He wanted to help, but his problem - solving tactics didn’t work. Without knowing about the needs of women, Deva didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, women never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honouring another woman is to listen patiently with empathy. Seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings. Deva had no idea that just listening with empathy to Bhakti express her feelings would bring her tremendous relief and fulfilment. When Deva heard about how much they needed to talk, he gradually leamed how to listen. When Bhakti now comes home tired and exhausted their conversations are quite different. They sound like this: Bhakti says, “There is so much to do. I have no time for me.” Deva takes a deep breath, relaxes on the exhale, and says, “Humph, sounds like you had a hard day.” Bhakti says, “ They expect me to change everything at a moment's notice. I don’t know what to do.” Deva pauses and then says, “ Hmmmmm.,” Bhakti says, “I even forgot to call my aunt.” Deva says, with a slightly wrinkled brow, “ Oh, no.” Bhakti says, “ She needs me so much right now. I feel so bad.” Deva says, ““ You are such a loving person.” Deva gives Bhakti a hug and she relaxes in his arms with a big sigh of relief. She then says, “ I ove talking with you. You make me really happy. Thanks for listening. I feel much better.” Not only Bhakti but also Deva felt better. He was amazed at how much happier his wife was when he finally learned to listen. 2 ie nes seems of et Sean, Dera ae the wisdom of listening without of lutions while Bhakti leamed the i go and accepting without offering “unsolicited advice or criticism. 231.6. To stimmarise the two most common mistakes we make in relationships: 1) A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix - It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings. 2) A woman tries to change a man’s behaviour when he makes mistakes by becoming the home - improvement committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism. When a woman resists a man’s solutions When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens By remembering that women are from Venus, a man at such times can instead understand Why she is resisting him. He can reflect and discover how he was probably offering solutions at a time when she was needing empathy and nurturing. 1.6b A-women under stress is not immediately concemed with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a ‘woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her probleme. Itis difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure 1.6 + Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed... * Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished, 2. Srila Prabhupada helps us to understand the psychology of men and women Understanding the Male Ego 2.1. Devahuti served her husband in two ways, visrambhena and gauravena. These are two important processes in serving the husband or the Supreme Personality of Godhead ‘srambhena means "with intimacy," and gauravena means “with ce." The husband is a very intimate friend; therefore, the wife must render service just like an intimate fiend, and at the same time she must understand that the husband is superior in position, and thus she must offer him all respect. A man's psychology and woman's psychology are different. As constituted by bodil 1¢. aman always wants ior to his wife, woman, as bodily constituted, is naturally inferior to her hi ‘Thus the instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to the wit i be ven if there is some wrong on the part of the hi wife it, and thus ill be no misunderstandin; ven husband fife. Visrambhena m« r intimacy," but it must not be familiarit br ntempt. According to the Vedic civilisation, a wife cannot call her husband by name. In the present civilisation the wife calls her husband by name, but in Hindu civilisation she does not, Thus the inferiority and superiority complexes are recognised. Damena ca: a wife has to lea to control herself even if there is a misunderstanding. Sauhrdena vaca madhuraya means always desiring good for the husband and speaking to him with sweet words. 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Jou Inq ‘arEUIpIOgns & UL “uewiom y ‘(Aequiog $261 “A'S 2my927 )* TUEATSSPIeMI “Seq JO UONISod Sty UT Fpostoy SORA EMIT ATOFATOT|L, WOTRTSSTOD IpOA aa ST TE SEAT TW PUEGATTT aif OF aTEUTpIOHS TO TapUT ‘STOpIM OPP TEP ST WONISOT [EMTEN| WOREINIGNS SAIsHqe UES JOU Scop uONEUTMOg STL JOR ES SUTMTOP OF poOU TONEY TOTS TU|MOSTUT BUONS TAP JO ANCA WI “72 (@ yxay, ‘samp-Aiuomy, sondeyy :¢ o1meD uETEALTEyG-PeMILIS) ‘SpIOM IIMS PIA apa sty Aq porean 9q ysnur oy at] TWOY sty UI ‘a1OJa121p ‘PLO aprsino e1p Ut sioeIUOD peUOTEUmaterial contacts in the outside world, therefore, in his home life he must be treated by his wife with sweet words. (Srimad-Bhagavatam Canto 3: Chapter Twenty-three, Text 2) 2.2. Men because of their strong masculine egos, have a need to dominate. It is a fact of nature, Domination does not mean abusive subjugation, Natural position is that the wife is under or subordinate to the husband, At least that is the Vedic ion, Therefore woman places herself in the position of Dasi, maidservant....( Lecture $.B, 1974 Bombay). A woman, in a subordinate, but not inferior attitude, understands this arrangement and treats the man accordingly. Accepting that a man’s ego is powerful, she promptly makes that ego her friend, Thus she encourages it to work for their mutual benefit. She understands the need of this male ego to be the boss and gently acquiesces to that arrangement. Srila Prabhupada emphasises this point strongly, Thus the natural instinct is that the husband wants to post himself as superior to the wife, and this must be observed, Even if there is some wrong on the part of the husband, The wife must tolerate it, and thus there will be no misunderstanding between husband and wife, (SIB, 3.23.2. purport) 2.3, By her devotional sensitivity and compliant attitude the woman can elicit all positive responses in her husband. She is respected and tenderly protected. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband’s temperament and please him is victory fora woman. §.B. 9.3.10 purport. 2.4. The male nature needs respect and acceptance to flourish. If itis thwarted, it becomes like a bull in a china shop and everyone loses. If itis affectionately pampered, everyone benefits. If the woman does not become subordinate to man, then there is social disruption Man wants that woman should be subordinate, faithful to him. Then he is ready to take charge, the man’s mentality, woman’s mentality different. So if the woman agrees to remain faithful and subordinate to man, then the family life will be peaceful 2.5. The psychology is that woman, the first man she meets and if she is kept carefully. she becomes staunch lover. This is psychology. There is good psychology in maintaining the society, Therefore a woman, especially in India, especially in Bengal, before attaining puberty, she was married, Not to meet the husband unless she attains puberty, But she remained at father's house, but she must know that: "I am married. I have got husband." This psychology. Then she becomes very chaste. Because she thinks of her husband, and becomes more and more devoted. (Prabhupada's Lectures Bhagavad-gita 1973) 2.6. PURPORT: The wife is expected to be of the same category as the husband. She must be prepared to follow the principles of the husband, and then there will be happy life. If the husband is a devotee and the wife is materialistic, there cannot be any peace in the home. The \wife must see the tendencies of the husband and must be prepared to follow him. From Mahabharata we leam that when Gandhari understood that her would-be husband, Dhrarastra, was blind, she immediately began to practice blindness herself. Thus she covered her eyes and played the part of a blind woman. She decided that since her husband was blind, she must also act like a blind woman, otherwise she would be proud of her eyes, and her husband would be seen as inferior. The word samanuvrata indicates that it is the duty of a wife to adopt the special circumstances in which the husband is situated. Of course, if the husband is as great as Kardama Muni, then a very good result accrues from following him But even if the husband is not a great devotee like Kardama Muni, itis the wife's duty to adapt herself according to his mentality, That makes married life verv happy. (Srimad Bhagavatam 3.23.5)2.7. Translation: Cyavana Muni was very irritable, but sinee Sukanya had got him as her husband, she dealt with him carefully, according to his mood. Knowing his mind, she performed service to him without being bewildered PURPORT: This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position. Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament. His wife, Sukanya, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly. If any wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must. try to understand her husband's temperament and please him. This is victory for a woman, Even in the dealings of Lord Krsna with His different queens, it has been seen that although the queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Krsna as His maidservants. However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to sav, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all circumstances. Then her life will be successful. When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modem day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband. Westemers contend that this is a slave mentality for the wife, but factually it is not; it is the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be, In this case we ciearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanya's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanya, the beautiful young daughter of a king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife, (Srimad Bhagavatam 9.3.10) 2.8. PURPORT: A wife is always supposed to be submissive to her husband. Submission, mild behaviour and subservience are qualities in a wife which make a husband very thoughtful of her. For family life itis very good for a husband to be attached to his wife, but it is not very good for spiritual advancement. Thus Krsna consciousness must be established in every home. If'a husband and wife are very much attached to one another in Krsna consciousness, they will both benefit because Krsna is the centre of their existence. Othenwise, if the husband is too much attached to his wife, he becomes a woman in his next life. The woman, being overly attached to her husband, becomes a man in her next life. Of course, itis an advantage for a woman to become a man, but it is not at all advantageous for ‘the man to become a woman, (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.28.19) 2.9.Translation: Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity. Purport: Here are some of the qualities of a great husband's great wife. Kardama Mu great by spiritual qualification. Such a husband is called tejiyamsam, most powerful Although a wife may be equal to her husband in advancement in spiritual consciousness, she should not be vainly proud. Sometimes it happens that the wife comes from a very rich family, as did Devahuti, the daughter of Emperor Svayambhuva Manu, She could have been very proud of her parentage, but that is forbidden. The wife should not be proud of her parental position. She must always be submissive to the husband and must give up all vanity. As soon as the wife becomes proud of her parentage, her pride creates great misunderstanding between the husband and wife, and their nuptial life is mined. Ifa wife does not live well with her husband but deals very roughly, then she is an enemy; (Srimad Bhagavatam 3.23.3) 2.10 The key is that although Vedic role models are the only real solution, adjustments must be made due to the lack of extended families in modem society. Only when we understandthe psychological differences between men and women can we go on to role models - adjusting them to time, place and circumstances. 2.11, In the Manu sambita, it is clearly stated that a woman should not be given freedom. That docs not mean that woman are to be kept as slaves, but they are like children. Children are not given freedom, but that does not mean that they are kept as slaves. The demons have now neglected such injunctions, and they think that women should be given as much freedom as men. However, this has not improved the social condition of the world. Actually, a woman should be given protection at every stage of life. She should be given protection by the father in her younger days, by the husband in her youth, and by the grown up sons in her old age. This is proper social behaviour according to the Manu sambita. But modem education has artificially devised a puffed up concept of womanly life, and therefore marriage is practically ‘now an imagination in human society, Nor is the moral condition of woman very good now. (Bhagavad Gita 16.7) 3. Physco Physical Nature of Women 3.1. It is woman’s nature to decorate herself with omaments and nice dresses and accompany her husband to social functions, meet friends and relatives, and enjoy life in that way. (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.3.9) 3.2. Manu Samhita recommends that to keep a wife satisfied a husband should give her some omaments because women are generally fond of home, omaments, dresses, children, etc. (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.25.41) 3.3. Even though a woman is very fond of fulfilling her own plans, when someone instructs , especially her husband, she innocently follows, and thus she can be trained for better purposes. By nature a woman wants to be a follower of a man: therefore if the man is good the woman can be trained for a good purpose. (Srimad Bhagavatam 6.18.46)VIHE - Success in the Grihastha Asrama Ideal Husbands, Ideal Wives One of the biggest challenges we face today, is how to overcome the lack of trust in our relationships (In this course we are dedicated to explore how we can improve these relationships.) The present reality for many women is that they have experienced exploitation and or abuse from men on some level or another. Unless the husband is dedicated to improving his character and behaviour through the process of Krsna consciousness, he is sure to suecumb to the exploiting mentality in his relationship with his unfortunate wife. On the other hand if the wife is not fixed in her desire for spiritual upliftment and in the understanding of her need to faithfully serve a deserving husband, she will also fall prey to the exploiting mentality, competing with her husband, in the race for personal sense gratification, Men and women both must endevour to improve their individual character, develop meaningful relationships and ultimately increase their Krsna consciousness. The ideal Vedic role models should be our aim; but we must work together realistically to adjust to modem demands. Lasting relationships will grow only on the basis of loving trust. and open communication. 1 Duties of a Faithful Husband 1.1 One who accepts a wife must be a faithful husband and give her full protection... One who strictly follows religious principles must not neglect to provide all facilities for the complete protection of his wife. There may be some suffering because of this, but one must nevertheless endure it. That is the duty of a faithful husband. (Srimad Bhagavatam 5.19.5) 1.2 When a man becomes qualitatively like the cats and dogs, he forgets his duties in cultivating spiritual values, and thus he accepts his wife as a sense gratificatory agency When the wife is accepted as a sense gratificatory agency, personal beauty is the main consideration, and as soon as there is a brake in personal sense gratification, there is disruption or divorce, But when husband and wife aim at spiritual advancement by mutual co-operation, there is no consideration of personal beauty or the disruption of so called love. Marriage is actually a duty performed in mutual co-operation as directed in the authoritative seriptures for spiritual advancement. (SB.) 1.3 If the husband is progressive in spiritual advancement, the wife undoubtedly shares in his activities, and thus both the wife and the husband profit in spiritual perfection. It is essential, therefore, that girls as well as boys be trained to discharge spiritual duties so that at the time of co-operation both will be benefited. The training of the boys is brahmacarya, and the training of the girl is chastity. A faithful wife and spiritually trained brahmacary are a good combination for advancement of the human mission. (SB.3.14.17) 1.4 Translation: Lord Ramacandra took a vow to accept only one wife and have no connection with any other women. He was a saintly king, and everything in His character was ‘good, untinged by qualities like anger. He taught good behaviour for everyone, especially for 3-1householders, in terms of vamasrama-dharma, Thus He taught the general public by His personal activities Purport: Eka-pati-vrata, accepting only one wife, was the glorious example set by Lord Ramacandra_ One should not accept more than one wife. In those days, of course, people did marry more than one wife. Even Lord Ramacandra's father accepted more wives than one But Lord Ramacandra, as an ideal king, accepted only one wife, mother Sita. When mother Sita was kidnapped by Ravana and the Raksasas, Lord Ramacandra, as the Supreme Personality of Godhead, could have married hundreds and thousands of Sitas, but to teach us how faithful He was to His wife, He fought with Ravana and finally killed him. The Lord punished Ravana and rescued His wife to instruct men to have only one wife, Lord Ramacandra accepted only one wife and manifested sublime character, thus setting an example for householders. A householder should live according to the ideal of Lord Ramacandra, who showed how to be a perfect person. Being a householder or living with a wife and children is er condemned, provided one lives according to the regulative principles of vamasrama-dharma. Those who live in accordance with these principles, whether as householders, brahmacaris or vanaprasthas, are all equally important. (SB.9.10.54) 1.5 A husband should be so enlightened that he should become the spiritual master of his wife in order to enlighten her in the advancement of Krsna consciousness. Generally stri, or women, is less intelligent than man: therefore, if the husband is intelligent enough, the women gets a great opportunity for spiritual enlightenment. (SB.3..24.5) 1.6 If you have taken a wife, you must be completely responsible for her throughout your life. She shall always serve and obey you without fail, and you shall instruct her in Krsna consciousness and act as her spiritual master. Otherwise, without a husband, women have great difficulty in making spiritual advancement. (Letter to Danavir 12.17.72) 2. Duties of a Chaste Wife 2.1 With such a good wife, the family’s engagement in the devotional service of the Lord actually makes a home a grihastha asrama, or household dedicated to spiritual cultivation. (SB 4.26.16) 2.2 Translation: Cyavana Muni was very irritable, but since Sukanya had gotten him as her husband, she dealt with him carefully, according to his mood. Knowing his mind, she performed service to him without being bewildered, Purport: This is an indication of the relationship between husband and wife. A great personality like Cyavana Muni has the temperament of always wanting to be in a superior position, Such a person cannot submit to anyone. Therefore, Cyavana Muni had an irritable temperament, His wife, Sukanya, could understand his attitude, and under the circumstances she treated him accordingly. If anv wife wants to be happy with her husband, she must try to understand her husband's temperament and please him, This is victory fora woman. Even in the dealings of Lord Krsna with His different queens, it has been seen that although the ‘queens were the daughters of great kings, they placed themselves before Lord Krsna as His maidservants, However great a woman may be, she must place herself before her husband in this way; that is to say, she must be ready to carry out her husband's orders and please him in all cireumstances, Then her life will be successful, When the wife becomes as irritable as the husband, their life at home is sure to be disturbed or ultimately completely broken. In the modem day, the wife is never submissive, and therefore home life is broken even by slight incidents. Either the wife or the husband may take advantage of the divorce laws. According, to the Vedic law, however, there is no such thing as divorce laws, and a woman must be trained to be submissive to the will of her husband, Westemers contend that this is a slave 3-2mentality for the wife, but factually it is not: itis the tactic by which a woman can conquer the heart of her husband, however irritable or cruel he may be. In this case we clearly see that although Cyavana Muni was not young but indeed old enough to be Sukanya's grandfather and was also very irritable, Sukanya, the beautiful young daughter ofa king, submitted herself to her old husband and tried to please him in all respects. Thus she was a faithful and chaste wife. (SB.9.3.10) 2.3 Translation: To render service to the husband, to be always favourably disposed toward the husband, to be equally well disposed toward the husband's relatives and friends. and to follow the vows of the husband-these are the four principles to be followed by women described as chaste, (SB.7.11.25) 2.4 A chaste woman must dress nicely and decorate herself with golden omaments for the pleasure of her husband. Always wearing clean and attractive garments, she should sweep and clean the household with water and other liquids so that the entire house is always pure and clean. She should collect the household paraphemalia and keep the house always aromatic with incense and flowers and must be ready to execute the desires of her husband. Being modest and truthful, controlling her senses, and speaking in sweet words, a chaste ‘woman should engage in the service of her husband with love, according to time and circumstances. (SB.7.11.26-27) 2.5 Translation: A chaste woman should not be greedy, but satisfied in all circumstances. She must be very expert in handling household affairs and should be fully conversant with religious principles. She should speak pleasingly and truthfully and should be very careful and always clean and pure, Thus a chaste woman should engage with affection in the service of a husband who is not fallen, Purport: It is recommended, therefore, that a chaste wife not associate with a fallen husband. A fallen husband is one who is addicted to the four principles of sinfu! activity--namely illicit sex, meat-eating, gambling and intoxication. Specifically, if ‘one is not a soul surrendered to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, he is understood to be contaminated. Thus a chaste woman is advised not to agree to serve such a husband. It is not that a chaste woman should be like a slave while her husband is naradhama, the lowest of men, Although the duties of a woman are different from those of a man, a chaste woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband. If her husband is fallen, it is recommended that she give up his association. Giving up the association of her husband does not mean, however, that a woman should marry again and thus indulge in prostitution, If a chaste woman unfortunately marries a husband who is fallen, she should live separately from him. Similarly, a husband can separate himself from a woman who is not chaste according to the description of the sastra. The conclusion is that a husband should be a pure Vaisnava and that a woman should be a chaste wife with all the symptoms described in this regard. Then both of them will be happy and make spiritual progress in Krsna consciousness. (SB.7.11.28) 2.6 As aman must follow great personalities like Brahma and Narada, woman must follow the path of such ideal women as Sita, Mandodari and Draupadi, By staying chaste and faithful to her husband, a woman enriches herself with supernatural power. (SB 9.10.27) Excerpts from “Women’s responsibility in marriage” by Mulaprakriti Devi Dasi 2.7 The success formula is for the woman to create a situation in which the man is clearly the boss, and yet in which she is in charge. The boss gets his ego satisfaction and she, as the 33relationship manager, gets a successful marriage. A woman can, by good management skills, submit herself to whatever her husband asks but, at the same time, influence him to ask her to do what she wants to do. If she is expert giving him that he wants, when and how he wants it on his terms then he will do anything for her. (We may discuss this further in the Psychology section) 2.8 So dependence is not bad, surrender is not bad. I have seen practically woman surrendering to the husband. Still there are so many woman in India, they are so happy and their life is so glorious. So we have to leam how things are to be done. It is that simple. When you throw your bread upon the waters, it comes back buttered, When a wife is surrendered to her husband he feels successful and satisfied in giving his wife what she wants and needs to help make her happy. This is the secret. 2.9 When the man is thus benedicted by a woman’s chastity, shyness and innocence he becomes inspired to drop his own barriers and respect her in retum. This encourages the natural male tendency for protection and chivalry. Shyness is a particular extra natural beauty of the fair sex, and it commands respect from the opposite sex. “This shyness is a gift of nature to the fair sex, and it enhances their beauty and prestige, even if they are of a less important family or even they are less attractive. We have practical experience of this fact. A sweeper woman commanded the respect of many respectable gentlemen simply by manifesting lady’s shyness. Half naked ladies on the street do not commanded any respect, but a shy sweeper’s wife commands respect from all” (SB.1.10.16 Purport) 2.10 This innocence is like a fountain of youthful beauty for a woman. It is a major source of man’s fidelity in_marriage. “ Formerly women were trained up only to remain faithful to their husband. That’s all. That is beauty, not personal beauty. If'a woman is trained not to talk to any other man except her husband, that is her beauty. That enhances the beauty and prestige, That is Vedic knowledge, (Room conversation L.A. 6-23-75) End of quotes from “Woman’s Responsibil Marriage” 2.11 Not only was mother Sita powerful, but any woman who follows in'the footsteps of mother Sita can also become similarly powerful. There are many instancés of this in the history of Vedic literature. Whenever we find a description of ideal chaste women, mother Sita is among them. Mandodari, the wife of Ravana, was also very chaste. Similarly, Draupadi was one of five exalted chaste women. As a man must follow great personalities like Brahma and Narada, a woman must follow the path of such ideal women as Sita Mandodari and Draupadi. By staying chaste and faithful to her husband, a woman enriches herself with supernatural power. (SB.9.10..27) 2.12 Translation: Working sanely and diligently, she pleased her very powerful husband, giving up all lust, pride, envy, greed, sinful activities and vanity. Purport: Here are some of the qualities of a great husband's great wife. Kardama Muni is great by spiritual qualification, Such a husband is called tejyamsam, most powerful. Although a wife may be equal to her husband in advancement in spiritual consciousness, she should not be vainly proud. Sometimes it happens that the wife comes from a very rich family, as did Devahuti, the daughter of Emperor Svayambhuva Manu. She could have been very proud of her parentage, but that is forbidden. The wife should not be proud of her parental position. She must always be submissive to the husband and must give up all vanity. As soon as the wife becomes proud of her parentage, her pride creates great misunderstanding between the husband and wife, and their nuptial life is ruined, Devahuti was very careful iabout that, and therefore it is said here that she gave up pride completely. Devahuti was not unfaithful, (SB.3.23.3) 2.13 Out of a loving desire to see the Lord, the royal ladies of the Kurus got up on top of the palace, and smiling with affection and shyness, they showered flowers upon the Lord. (SB.1.10.16) 2.14 Getting a Husband By Being Qualified We shall teach the girls two things. One thing is how to become chaste and faithful to their husband and how to cook nicely. If they have these two qualifications, I will guarantee to get for them a good husband. I'll personally... Yes. These two qualifications required, She must Jeam how to prepare first class foodstuff, and she must leam how to become chaste and faithful to the husband, Only these two qualifications required, Then her life is successful Here the boys don’t want to marry because they are very much inclined to marry an unchaste wife. Ifa woman is chaste, even though she is not very beautiful, she will liked by the husband. So train them in that way: very chaste, faithful wife and who knows how to cook very nicely. Other qualifications, even they haven’t got that’s all right. (Moming walk conversations 7/10/75) 3. Co-operation Between Husband and Wife 3.1 Especially self esteem, faithfulness, loving affection, and spiritual devotion. This prepared women for practising these important talents in their marriages. Men were trained in individual strength, integrity, responsibility, and skills for accomplishment in the world Masculine ideals encouraged them to be heroes who provide for, guide, protect, and improve both the family and society 3.2 The three perfection of liberation are religiosity, economic development and sense gratification: For a conditioned soul, the wife is considered to be the source of liberation because she offers her service to the husband for his ultimate liberation. Conditional material existence is based on sense gratification, and if someone has the good fortune to get a good wife, he is helped by the wife in all respects. If one is disturbed in his conditional life, he becomes more and more entangled in material contamination. A faithful wife is supposed to co-operate with her husband in fulfilling all material desires so that he can then become comfortable and execute spiritual activities for the perfection of life. If, however, the husband is. progressive in spiritual advancement, the wife undoubtedl in his activities, and thus both the wife and the husband profit in spiritual perfection, It is essential, therefore, that girls as well as boys be trained to discharge spiritual duties so that at the time of co-operation both will be bencfited. The training of the boy is brahmacarya, and the training of the girl is chastity. A faithful wife and spiritually trained brahmacari are a good combination for advancement of the human mission, (SB. 3.14.17 Purport) 3.3 Prabhupada: This is psychology. If woman is chaste, even though she is not very beautiful, she will be liked by the husband. So train them in that way: very chaste, faithful wife and knows how to cook very nicely. Other qualification, even they haven't, that's all right. And Krsna consciousness is being trained up. Then there will be no difficulty. And boys should be first-class man., (Moming Walk Chicago, July 10, 1975) 3.4 Purport: This is the position of all materialistic men. They do not care for a married shaste wife. They take the wife onlv as an instrument for sense enjoyment, not as a means for devotional service. To have unrestricted sex life, the karmis work very hard. They have 3-5concluded that the best course is to have sex with any woman and simply pay the price for her, as though she were a mercantile commodity. Thus they engage their energy in working very hard for such material acquisitions. Such materialistic people have lost their good intelligence. They must search out their intelligence within the heart. A person who does not have a chaste wife accepted by religious principles always has a bewildered intelligence. The wife of King Puranjana was lying on the ground because she was neglected by her husband. Actually the woman must always be protected by her husband. We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of Narayana, In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband, Thus she becomes beloved and well protected. Just as one saves his money and places it under his own personal protection, one should similarly protect his wife by his own personal supervision. Just as intelligence is always within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always have her place on the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband and wife. A wife is therefore called ardhangani, or half of the body. One cannot remain with only one leg, one hand or only one side of the body. He must have two sides. Similarly, according to nature's way, husband and wife should live together, In the lower species of life, among birds and animals, it is seen that by nature's arrangement the husband and wife live together. Itis similarly ideal in human life for the husband and wife to live together. The home should be a place for devotional service. and the wife should be chaste and accepted by a ritualistic ceremony. In this way one can become happy at home, (SB.4.26.17) 3.5 You can become a husband but not the husband of a prostitute. Then your life is finished, Therefore so much stress is given taught wife should be chaste and the husband should be very well behaved then life will be successful. (Bhagavad Gita lecture 5/25/76) 3.6 When butter is brought into the proximity of fire, it melts. The woman is like fire, and a ‘man is like the butter. But if one gets a chaste wife, accepted through a religious marri ritual, she can be of great help when one is threatened by the many dangerous situations of life. Actually such a wife can become the source of all good intelligence. 4.1 This story told by Srila Prabhupada, is a great example showing how a woman can be tricked by an unscrupulous man. ‘The difference between a sudra and brahmana, A sudra can be misled at any moment. That is stated in... Stri sudra. Woman and sudra on the same class. You can mislead them by high talking: "Oh, Iam coming from Indian prince." They come here, marry some European, and g0 to India and then engage him (her) for collecting water in bucket. One Mahommaden crewman, a vagabond, he bluffed one girl that "I am coming from Mahommadan prince family." Then she married, and she went to Allahabad, and she was given borakha and she was living in a hut, and then she was bringing water from the street. She wrote a letter to the Viceroy that "This is my position." Then police came and rescued her and sent her. (Morning walk conversation 7/20/76) aVIHE-Success in the Grihastha Ashram 4, Living a balanced life in Krsna consciousness 1, Let's first try to understand what is meant by Living a balanced life in Krsna consciousness. Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur states in Sri Caitanya Siksamrita that four items cannot be neglected by any devotee who has not yet reached the platform of Paramahamsa. He points out the need to adopt a gradual process of spiritual growth and personal development. 1) He must maintain the body properly. 2) There has to be the proper stimulus for the mind so that the mind is satisfied. 3) There has to be social well-being, 4) There has to be study of scripture for upliftment. A\ll four points must be there in a well-balanced individual! Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur taught us by the example of his own life. As the District Magistrate of Jaganatha Puri he was responsible to oversee the running of the Temple along with hearing many cases daily in the magistrate’s court. He managed to accomplish all this with stop-watch proficiency; still finding time to write all of his devotional works and raise a family of thirteen children- which included his son Srila Bhaktisidhanta Saraswati Prabhupada. 2. We have many roles to play - they all contribute towards a balanced life We cach have a number of different roles in our lives- different areas or capacities in which we have responsibility. I may, for example, have a role as an individual, a husband, a father, a teacher, an ISKCON member, and a worker. And each of these roles is important. One of the major problems that arises when people work to become more effective in life is that they don’t think broadly enough. They lose the sense of proportion, the balance, the natural ecology necessary to effective living. They may get consumed by work and neglect, personal health. In the name of professional success, they may neglect the most precious relationships in their lives. 3. Identifying Roles and Goals You may find that your life will be much more balanced, if you break it down into the specific role areas of your life and the goals you want to accomplish in each area, Look at your professional role. You might be a sankirtan devotee, or a manager, or be engaged in temple service. What are you about in that area? What are the values that should guide you? Think of your personal roles - husband, wife, father, mother, neighbour, friend, What are you about in those roles? What's important to you? Think of community roles - the political area, public service, volunteer organisations. Living your life in terms of your important roles gives you balance and harmony. It keeps each role clearly before you. You can review your roles frequently to make sure that you don’t get totally absorbed by one role to the exclusion of others that are equally or even more important in your life 4. Long term goals After you identify your various roles, then you can think about the long term goals you want to accomplish in each of those roles; using imagination, creativity, conscience, and inspiration. If these goals are the extension of a mission statement based on correct principles, they will be vitally different from the goals people normally set. They will be in 41harmony with correct principles, with natural laws, which gives you greater power to achieve them. They are not someone else’s goals you have absorbed. They are your goals. They reflect your deepest values, your unique talent, your sense of mission. And they grow out of your chosen roles in life. 5. Stimulus and response- working in the mode of goodness + Between stimulus and response is a human being’s greatest power the freedom to choose. + We may feel like responding in a certain way but when we live our lives - close to our values -- we can subordinate feelings to values, + This will make us act responsibly. Look at the word “ response - ability” - the ability to choose your response + A Krsna conscious person never blames anything- circumstances, conditions or other people for his actions. He is aware that he has chosen to respond pro-actively (based on chosen values) rather than re-actively (allowing the stimulus to dictate his response). + It's not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. Lets say that again — It’s not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us 6. Circle of concern/ Circle of influence. Circle of concem - wide range - our Krishna conciousness, our health, our children, service problems, friends, the environment, the future of ISKCON, nuclear war, etc. Circle of influence As we look at those things within our circle of concem, it becomes apparent that there are some things over which we have no real control and others that we can do something about We could identify those concems in the latter group by circumscribing them within a smaller circle of influence. By determining which of these two circles is the focus of most of our time and energy, we can discover much about the degree of our proactivity. (effectivity) Proactive or effective people focus their efforts in the circle of influence. They work on the things they can do something about. The nature of their energy is positive, enlarging and magnifying, causing their circle of influence to inerease. Reactive people- On the other hand, focus their efforts in the circle of concern, They focus on the weakness or faults of other people, the problems in the environment, and circumstances over which they have no control. Their focus results in blaming and accusing attitudes, reactive language, and increased feelings of victimisation. The negative energy generated by that focus, combined with neglect in areas they could do something about, causes their circle of influence to shrink. Reactive Focus- Negative energy reduces the circle of influence As long as we are working in our circle of concem, we empower the things within it to control us. We aren’t taking the proactive initiative necessary to effect positive change. Proactive (effective) people- Share in the spirit embodied in the alcoholics anonymous prayer, “Lord, give me the courage to change the things which can and ought (o be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference."7. Language and thoughts of Reactive and Proactive people The “Have’s” and the “Be’s”) ‘One way to determine which circle our concem is in is to distinguish between the have's and the be's. The Circle of Concem is filled with the have''s “Il be happy when I have my house paid off.” “If only Thad a boss who wasn’t such a dictator. ‘If only Lhad a more patient husband...” “If | had more obedient kids...” “If Thad my degree...” “If 1 could just have more time to myself...” The Circle of Influence is filled with the be 's—I can be more patient, be wise, be loving. It’s the character focus. Anytime we think the problem is “out there.” That thought is the problem. We empower what's out there to control us. The change paradigm is “outside-in”—what's out there has to change before we can change ‘The proactive approach is to change from the inside-out: to be different, and by being different, to effect positive change in what’s out there—I can be more diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more co-operative. 8, Problem solving We can apply this new ability of focusing on our area of influence when we deal with problems Whether a problem is direct, indirect, or no control, we have in our hands the first step to the solution, Changing our habits, changing our methods of influence and changing the way we see our no control problems are all within our circle of influence. ‘The Problems we all face fall in one of 3 areas Direct control - problems involving our own behaviour, Indirect control - problems involving other peoples behaviour. No control _~ problems we can do nothing about such as the weather - things in the Past, etc. Direct control problems - ate solved by working to improve our own habits. Indirect control problems - Are solved by improving our methods of influence. Thereby increasing our circle of influence. No control problems - Involve taking the responsibility to change the line on the bottom of our face - to smile - to genuinely and peacefully accept these problems and leam to live with them. Focusing on our area of concer will do little or nothing to alleviate the problem. Concentrating our energies on those things within our circle of influence will help us to become a part of the solution to problems gradually increasing our circle of influence. 9. Working in Quadrant two- (See hand-out) 43VIHE-Success in the Grihastha Ashram 5. Great Expectations 1. Marriage expectations 1.1 Today there is still much debate over the role of the man and the woman. For example, if a young man from a more traditional family approaches marriage with the implicit expectation "I’m the breadwinner, and you take care of the kids,” he may be in for a rude awakening. It’s evident that young and old couples alike are struggling with conflicting role expectations. Many women are unfulfilled without a professional career outside the home - a phenomenon fuelled by a society that doesn’t provide much appreciation, validation, and reinforcement for women as homemakers. Since modern society doesn’t value traditional roles and the extended family, we are therefore forced to adjust our expectations. 1.2 Many of the problems people face in marriage rise out of conflicting role expectations or script conflicts. For instance, the husband may think it’s the wife's role take care of the garden - his mother did. And the wife may think that it is her husband’s role, since her father did. A small problem becomes a large one because conflicting scripts compound every problem and magnify every difference. Study your own marriage and family problems to see if they, too, are not rooted in conflicting role expectations and compounded by conflicting scripts. 2. Expectations of spouse- misunderstanding of scripts 2.1 Many marriage problems rise out of conflicting role expectations or script conflicts. Remember that people identify with what they see and what they feel far more than what they hear. Scripting is about 90 percent example and relationship and 10 percent telling. Thus our day to day modelling is far and away our highest form of influence! We must not hold forth eloquently on high moral principals and then plough back into the deep, where we spend most of our lives as grouches, as critics, as unfeeling, unloving people. It’s important to walk our talk! Or practice what we preach! 2.2. I encourage you to build bridges between the Ideal and the real, to avoid living in two isolated and artificial compartments. ‘A) The abstract, ethereal, idealistic, spiritual side B) The mundane, gritty, everyday life side © Integration builds integrity - There is little to be gained from living in the cycle of “Boga-Tyaga” or sense gratification and renunciation, Try to balance your life and be realistic. 3. Communication is one of the most fundamental skills in life. 3.1 The first challenge is to learn to say what we mean; the second is to learn to listen so that we understand what others mean. The key to effective two-way communication is high trust. When trust is high communication is easy. The key to tust is trustworthiness. 5-13.2 Integrity Living a life of integrity or mature Krsna Consciousness, is the best guarantee of maintaining the climate of effective communication, As with all natural processes, there are no short cuts, no quick fixes. 3.3 Start by opening an “emotional bank account” It's important to open and make deposits in what we can call the ‘emotional bank account'. Acts of kindness, consideration, empathy, respect, dependability etc. are all deposits. Then even if we accidently make one or two withdrawals through oversight or neglect, we will still maintaain a credit balance. Their will still be enough trust left in our relationship. We must not overdraw our emotional bank accounts with our spouce, family, friends, or in any of our relationships. 4, Expectations It is absolutely essential to understand at least the basic expectations of your proposed spouse before marriage. He or She may have any of the following differences. * Different nationality * Different culture * Different spiritual master * Different expectations If we are already married it will help us to: 1. try to understand what our parterners expectations are 2. whether they can be accomodated 3. what adjustments are needed on both sides (Ref: the need for effective two-way communication. Item 3.) 4.1 Husband expects from wife Physical attraction, dressing according to husband’s desire Giving husband feeling of importance and of being in charge. Ability to keep the household in order and clean, Ability to look after babies and young children. Submissive attitude Gentle in speech Respectful to husband’s friends and family members, Non demanding- living within means of husband. Always chaste- according to requirements and guidance of husband At different stages of life our expectations of our partners will more than likely change. Later stages Women able to take up service that gives her own interest and satisfaction. Not over dependant on husband for her every pleasure: Ability to develop a vision for her future service after rearing children, Being a grandmother, teaching, preaching, pre schooling, administration, secretary, business, professional, Deity puja, cooking, etc. 5-24.2. Wife expects from husband * Fidelity * Financial support * Emotional support * Help in raising children- parenting * Good communicator © Responsible and dependable * Encouragement in devotional service over and above domestic duties Later stages * Encouraging wife in fulfilling service * Providing financial security * Providing a secure Krsna conscious environment. 4.3 What people see and feel dictates how they act and what their expectations are, not what they are told or what they hear. + Therefore if we want respect we must show respect. + Ifwe expect caring relationships we must give care to others. ‘+ If we expect appreciation we must give up critisizing others etc * We must practice what we preach! 4.4 Question - How to have our expectations fulfilled ? Answer Develop good communication skills. This may come more naturally so some than others The bottom line however is that we can all do a lot better if we try. The motivation to try comes when we understand the importance of good Communication to a successful marriage. No one is born an expert at anything. It requires effort. Points to be considered * Earning of family income * Bank accounts * Household spending. + Household duties + Responsibilities for raising children + Recreation, spending time together Different couples will have different expectations of each other and will establish their own arangements and standards after due discussion with their partner. It’s an on-going process of communication, and that’s what marriage is all about.VIHE- Success in the Grhastha Ashram 6. Choosing a Partner 1. Hearing from Srila Prabhupada: 1.1 The fulfilment of desires, therefore, should be entrusted to the Supreme Personality of Godhead; that is the nicest solution. Kardama Muni desired only a wife, but because he was a devotee of the Lord, the Lord selected a wife for him who was the Emperor's daughter, 2 princess. Thus Kardama Muni got a wife beyond his expectation. If we depend on the choice of the Supreme Personality of Godhead, we will receive benedictions in greater opulence than we desire. (SB.3.21.28) 1.2 Formerly, boys and girls of similar dispositions were married; the similar natures of the boy and girl were united in order to make them happy. Not more than twenty-five years ago, and perhaps it is still current, parents in India used to consult the horoscope of the boy and girl to see whether there would be factual union in their psychological conditions. These considerations are very important. Nowadays marriage takes place without such consultation, and therefore, soon after the marriage, there is divorce and separation. (SB.3.21.15) 1.3 Taking into consideration the physical beauty of the person. Tamala Krsna: It was suggested that she get married and because of his body she said no. the only reason she said no, was because of a material reason. Not a spiritual reason. she said no because of her preference, material preference. Prabhupada: Of course, as long as we have this material body, some material consideration must be there. (Chuckles) It is not possible to avoid completely. (Room conversation 9-24-68) 1.4 The psychology is that woman, the first man she meets and if she is kept carefully, she becomes staunch lover. This is psychology. There is good psychology in maintaining the society. Therefore a woman, especially in India, especially in Bengal, before attaining puberty, she was married. Not to meet the husband unless she attains puberty. But she remained at father's house, but she must know that: “I am married. I have got husband." This psychology. Then she becomes very chaste. Because she thinks of her husband, and becomes more and more devoted. So this arrangement that woman must be married before puberty. Or even after puberty, she must get a husband. (Bhagavad-gita lecture 1973) 1.5 The psychology is that the girl, after her first menstruation, she enjoys sex life with a boy, she will never forget that boy. Her love for that boy is fixed up for good. This is womian’s psychology. And if she is allowed to have many, oh, she will never be a chaste woman. This is the psychology. (Room conversation 8-15-71) 1.6 As soon as there is illicit sex there are so many difficulties. Of course nowadays it has all become very easy. Formerly it was very difficulty especially in India. Therefore a young girl was always protected, because if she mixes with the boys, somehow or other as soon as there is sex she becomes pregnant. And it will not be possible to get her married. No. Touched by 61the serpent. Vedic civilisation is very strict, because the whole aim as how to go back to home back to Godhead, Not sense gratification. (Bhagavad Gita lecture 8-4-73) 1.7 According to Vedic system, marriage is a long program. The father of the girl and the boy first of all select. Then their horoscope should be consulted, how they will mix together, and then the family, then personal qualification, so many things... Then dowry... After all this consideration, when everything is satisfactory, then the father and mother of both sides will agree, and they will be married, That is marriage. (Room Conversation- Melbourne, April 7, 1972) 1.8 According to astrological calculation, a person is classified according to whether he belongs to the godly or demoniac quality. In that way the spouse was selected. A girl of godly quality should be handed over to a boy of godly quality. A girl of demoniac quality should be handed over to a boy of demoniac quality. Then they will be happy. But if the girl is demoniac and the boy is godly, then the combination is incompatible; they cannot be happy in such a marriage. At the present moment, because boys and girls are not married according to quality and character, most marriages are unhappy, and there is divorce. (SB.3.24.15) 1.9 It is recommended they should be married at very early age, then the wife will remain always chaste and devoted to her husband, At such young age, from the first night onwards, she can never for a moment forget him, being still child and unspoiled, therefore she becomes the perfect chaste wife, and in those times the wife was so much devoted to her husband that she would voluntarily die in the fire of his cremation, unable to live without him. Myself, I was very young when I got married, and my wife was 11 years only. But there is no question of separation in our marriage belief, neither your daughter will ever be separated from that boy, that is their vow. Rather, it is when people are a little grown-up, when they have got little independence and their own ways of doing things, then if they marry there is often difficulty to adjust, just as it is more difficult to bend the bamboo when it is yellow. (7th November, 1972 to Mr. Loy) 1.10 A wife is meant to help, but she cannot help her husband unless he is completely equal to her in age, character and quality. (SB.3.22.11 Purport.) Translation 1.11 A chaste woman should not be greedy, but satisfied in all circumstances. She must be very expert in handling household affairs and should be fully conversant with religious principles. She should speak pleasingly and truthfully and should be very careful and always clean and pure Purport It is recommended, therefore, that a chaste wife not associate with a fallen husband. A fallen husband is one who is addicted to the four principles of sinful activity--namely illicit sex, meat-eating, gambling and intoxication. Specifically, if one is not a soul surrendered to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, he is understood to be contaminated. Thus a chaste woman is advised not to agree to serve such a husband. It is not that a chaste woman should be like a slave while her husband is naradhama, the lowest of men. Although the duties of a woman 6-2are different from those of a man, a chaste woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband. If her husband is fallen, it is recommended that she give up his association. Giving up the association of her husband does not mean, however, that a woman should marry again and thus indulge in prostitution. If a chaste woman unfortunately marries a husband who is fallen, she should live separately from him, Similarly, a husband can separate himself from a woman who is not chaste according to the description of the sastra. The conclusion is that a husband should be a pure Vaisnava and that a woman should be a chaste wife with all the symptoms described in this regard. Then both of them will be happy and make spiritual progress in Krsna consciousness. (SB.7.11.28) 1.12 It is also significantly noted here that Kardama Muni was a brahmana whereas Emperor Svayambhuva was a ksatriya. Therefore, intercaste marriage was current even in those days The system was that a brahmana could marry the daughter of a ksatriya, but a ksatriya could not marry the daughter of a brahmana, We have evidences from the history of the Vedic age that Sukracarya offered his daughter to Maharaja Yayati, but the king had to refuse to marry the daughter of a brahmana: only with the special permission of the brahmana could they marry. Intercaste marriage, therefore, was not prohibited in the olden days many millions of years ago, but there was a regular system of social behaviour. (SB.3.21.28) 1.13 Another feature of this incident is that Svayambhuva Manu was the emperor, but he went to offer his qualified daughter to a poor brahmana. Kardama Muni had no worldly possessions—he was a hermit living in the forest—but he was advanced in culture. Therefore, in offering one’s daughter to a person, the culture and quality are counted as prominent, not wealth or any other material consideration. (SB.3.22.13) 2. Relevant letters (Guru to disciple) 2.1 Regarding the relationship with __, first there must be a trial period, as you know, during which you both must become completely convinced that you want this relationship. We should also test the astrological compatibility to make sure that it is auspicious. Once we are convinced that this relationship can work, then you can proceed with the next step. Certainly if you both remain responsible in your personal endeavours for Krsna consciousness, you can help one another to advance. A marriage in Krsna consciousness is like a partnership between two devotees who agree to help each other to make spiritual progress and to help each other respect the disciplines that are necessary for that. Problems arise in the lives of Grhasthas when they forget their identities as servants and start to think of enjoying the facility that married life offers. 2.2. Be responsible and careful in developing this relationship. Go forward slowly and try to be sure that you are compatible with one another before you decide definitely to get married. A very important principle for every devotee to consider before entering a relationship with a wife or a husband is that one must be prepared to accept the other as they are. One should not, think that he/she will change the other person to be the way he/she wants them to be. Ihave seen that when a husband or a wife enters a relationship with this idea, hoping to change the other one, there will almost always be difficulties in the marriage. 2.3 You have asked for some advice. My advice is to go slowly and be sure before you take the big step. If you want to set a date, set it a reasonable distance in advance. Don't rush the matter. Give yourselves plenty of time to be confident. Neither should feel obliged in the 6-3relationship until both actually decide definitively to get married. Learn to respect one another. Without respect there is no basis for a marriage, especially in Krsna Consciousness Romantic love is not necessarily respect. Many times couples marry with romantic notions about each other, but later, when they know each other better, the romance ends and they loose respect. Search for this respect for one another. Don't marry before you have found it. 2.4 Krsna consciousness is a voluntary thing. A woman's acceptance of a husband is also a voluntary thing. It should be on the basis of a desire to please Krsna that husband and wife accept one another and try to help one another in their spiritual progress. Don't try to change her to make her into what you want her to be. If you want a wife like that don't get married, because there are no women who are willing to be moulded according to the way a man wants. They are individuals, they have their personalities. If you can't accept her as she is, then please don't marry her. If you accept her as she is, then she will be happy and obedient and she will give her life to you. On the other hand, if you are always trying to change her she will be unhappy and she will naturally then manifest her independence in a way you wont like Certainly you can give her suggestions and indicate to her your expectations for how you would like her to behave. Then give her credit for being intelligent and let her try to satisfy you. If she can't then probably you shouldn't marry her. 3. Selection process 3.1 This selection process is traditionally done by loving parents in a supportive community environment. The father of the girl, they’ll find out a suitable boy. This boy and this girl would live very happily by horoscope calculation. Then the family consideration, whether the boy is coming from suitable family or the girl is coming. So many things were there. But that kind of marriage is practically already stopped. (SB Lecture- Bombay 1974) 3.2 So these marriage things are done very psychologically, scientifically, so that they may become happy, and then in peaceful mind, combine together, good co-operation, they make progress, spiritual. (Room conversation Vrndavana 6/28/77) 3.3 Consultation with close devotee friends, the greatest essentials for success are having trust and respect for the man. The goal of life must be something the woman can gladly support, It is also crucial that the man and woman’s natures and characters are equal in quality. As Krsna told Rukmini, “ Select a suitable husband who is actually and equal to you in opulence, family tradition, wealth beauty, education in all respects. (Krsna Book. Vol. 2 chapter 5) Careful choosing includes an intensive interviewing process which scrutinises the man’s direction and character over a period of time and under various circumstances, 3.4 There may be some man, especially in westem society, who are too much damaged and scarred from their dysfunctional upbringings. They may never respond properly and may even take an abusive position. However, it is surprising how the majority (even those who initially appear difficult) do responded. Hopefully, in your careful choosing process, you have eliminated those cases too severe for you. Perhaps another woman whose skill and taste is more compatible with his needs will have better luck with him, If a man is working on himself, especially in conjunction with a support system of Godbrothers, a woman’s loving appreciation is the perfect catalyst for further inspiration 6-4‘VIHE—Success in the Grihastha Ashram 7. Sex life - according to religious principles (2) 1 Hearing from Srila Prabhupada: 1.1 In your letter you have made it clear that you are finding some difficulty with sex desire and have asked guidance from me to instruct you how to handle this problem of the material body. First of all | think vou should know that such problems are not very unnatural because in the body the conditioned soul is very prone to failure, But also we must remember that such failure will not discourage us from executing the most important mission of our life, to become fully in Krishna Consciousness, So whatever falldown has been, you should be regretful about it, but it is not so serious nor is it a permanent disqualification, But you must try to check yourself from such artificial things and take full shelter of the Lotus Feet of Krishna. I think that for such checking marriage is the only solution. It is understood that everyone has some nasty habits but by sticking to Krishna Consciousness, chanting our ° required rounds loudly, and tending the deities, these items will surely save you. So always be seriously engaged in serving Krishna and pray to Krishna to help you with your frailties. But I think that marriage is the solution with no other alternative, If you are married you can continue to practice all the items of worship and with more peace of mind, so such solution, along with redoubled efforts to serve nicely and be very pleasing unto Krishna, these things will help vou, I have always known you as very good, sincere boy so with utmost seriousness you must consider these points and act upon them. I shall hope to be hearing again irom you soon on this matter. Hoping you are always well. Your ever well-wisher, A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami PS It is my open advice for everyone that one who is disturbed by sex, must take the responsibility of married life. 12/9/68 1.3 Itis abominable for a person in the grihastha asrama to give up the regulative principles Although grihastha life is a concession for the enjoyment of sex, one cannot enjoy sex without following the rules and regulations of householder life. Such persons should be shown compassion, and if one has sufficient strength one should teach them to stop them from following the wrong path in life. Otherwise one should reject them and pay them no attention. (SB.7.15.39) 1.4 Illicit sex is sex that violates the laws given in the scriptures. When one violates the laws of the scriptures, or the Vedas, he commits sinful activities. One who is engaged in sinful activities cannot change his consciousness. Our real functions is to change our consciousness. from Kasmala, sinful consciousness, to Krishna, the supreme pure (SB.4. 27. 5) 1.5 As soon as there is illicit sex there are so many difficulties. Of course nowadays it has all become very easy. Formerly it was very difficulty especially in India. Therefore a young gir! was always protected, because if she mixes with the boys, somchow or other as soon as there is sex she becomes pregnant. And it will not be possible to get her married. Now Touched by the serpent. Vedic civilisation is very strict, because the whole aim as how to go back to home back to Godhead , Not sense gratification (BG. Lecture 8- 4-73) 1.6 Checking population by contraceptive method is another sinful activity, but in this age of Kali people have become so sinful that they do not care for the resultant reactions of their sinful lives. According to the Vedic scriptures the contraceptive method should be restraint in 1sex life, It is m should indulge in unt ex life and avoid children by usit some method to check pregnancy. (SB.7.15.39) 1.7 There are many instances throughout the world in which even a purified person, being attracted by a prostitute, spends all the money he has inherited. Prostitute hunting is so abominable that the desire for sex with a prostitute can ruin one’s character, destroy one’s exalted position and plunder all one’s money. Therefore illicit sex is strictly prohibited. One should be satisfied with his married wife, for even a slight deviation will create havoc, A Krsna conscious grihastha should always remember this. He should always be satisfied with one wife and be peaceful simply by chanting Hare Krsna mantra, Otherwise at any moment he may fall down from his good position, as exemplified in the case of Ajamila. (SB.6.1.64) 1.8 If the American boys and girls engaged in the Krsna consciousness movement want to advance in Krsna consciousness to achieve the supreme benefit of loving service to the lord, they should refrain from indulging in this facility for sex life. Therefore we advise that one should at least refrain from illicit sex. (SB.6.4.52) 1.9 Sex life with one’s wife is equal to prostitution if the regulations are not properly followed. (SB.3.14.33) 2a. Devils advocate- Following the “No Illicit Sex” regulative principal is not practical. Only possible for brahmanas or empowered devotees. Not possible for regular devotees. ‘Therefore lower standard is only practical solution. Ksatriyas, vaisyas, and sudras were by increments less restricted. Many devotees are not “Brahmanas” so they should not be forced to follow, Response The first point to understand is the significance of accepting or taking the vows of initiation It should be clearly understood before accepting initiation, that every disciple agrees to follow the 4 regulative principals - No illicit sex, no intoxication, no meat eating, no gambling. The 4 regulative principals are the basic standards for civilised human society It may be observed however, that many devotees don’t possess the required “Adhikar” or resultant qualifications from their past lives and actions, to be able to immediately follow the principle of no illicit sex - in the strict sense of the term. Again we are confronted with what to do? On the one hand the regulative principals cannot be compromised and on the other we may not possess the qualification to be able to follow them. 722b. In Bhagavad Gita we find Lord Krsna advising Arjuna how to surmount the greatest difficulty. 2.1 Arjuna said “For the mind is restless, turbulent, obstinate and very strong oh Krsna, and to subdue it seems to me more difficult than controlling the wind. (BG.6.34) 2.2 “The supreme lord said Oh mighty armed son of Kunti it is undoubtedly very difficult to curb the restless mind, but it is possible by suitable practice and by detachment.” (BG.6.35) Although very difficult the Lord says that it is possible- by suitable practice and by detachment. - It may take some time for us to lear the art of fully controlling the senses, but if one is sincere Krsna will help. Further on in the 12th chapter Krsna gives practical instructions on how to gradually come to the platform of loving devotion to the supreme. (The emphasis is on the word gradually) 2.3 “My dear Arjuna, O winner of wealth, if you cannot fix your mind upon Me without deviation, then follow the regulative principles of bhakti-yoga. In this way develop a desire to attain Me”. (BG. 12.9) 2.4 “If you cannot practice the regulations of bhakti-yoga, then just try to work for Me, because by working for Me you will come to the perfect stage. (BG.12.10) 2.5 “If, however, you are unable to work in this consciousness of Me, then try to act giving up all results of your work and try to be self-situated. (BG.12.11) 2.6 “If you cannot take to this practice, then engage yourself in the cultivation of knowledge. Better than knowledge, however, is meditation, and better than meditation is renunciation of the fruits of action, for by such renunciation one can attain peace of mind, (BG. 12.12) 2.7 In summary- Srila Prabhupada explains that there are two processes: One process is by gradual development, and the other process is direct. Devotional service in Krsna consciousness is the direct method, and the other method involves renouncing the fruits of one's activities. Then one can come to the stage of knowledge, then to the stage of meditation, then to the stage of understanding the Supersoul, and then to the stage of the Supreme Personality of Godhead. One may take either the step-by-step process or the direct path. ‘The direct process is not possible for everyone; therefore the indirect process is also good. It is, however, to be understood that the indirect process is not recommended for Arjuna, because he is already at the stage of loving devotional service to the Supreme Lord. It is for others, who are not at this stage; for them the gradual process of renunciation, knowledge, meditation and realisation of the Supersoul and Brahman should be followed, But as far as Bhagavad-gita is concemed, it is the direct method that is stressed. Everyone is advised to take to the direct method and surrender unto the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Krsna. (BG. 12.12 Purport) 2.8 Let’s now relate these instructions from Bhagavad Gita chapter 12 about controlling the mind, to the task of controlling sex desire which is undoubtedly the greatest allurement for the mind, 73We can understand that from whatever position we find ourselves in, we must attempt to come to the perfect position. If we can’t immediately come to the highest level, we must function on whatever level we are on, endeavouring to gradually rise to the next level. Lord Krsna and his pure devotees always encourage the aspiring bhaktas, whatever their level of advancement. “The power of Bhakti Yoga is so great that even those in the grihastha ashram, which is not allowed in any other system of yoga, can make steady progress. 2.9 Are there different levels of breaking the regulated principles? .ce everything in the material world is structured in varying degrees of good, better, best bad, worse, worst, it would appear that there are also different levels of fall down. In line with the teachings of the previous Acaryas, Srila Prabhupada clearly defined the acceptable standards for his disciples and followers of the Krsna consciousness movement in regard to the principle of “no illicit sex”. Strictest sense of the term - sex life within marriage, only once per month, after chanting 50 rounds of the Hare Krsna mantra, at the right time to produce a child. ‘So the householder is allowed to have sex life once in a month, just after the menstrual period. The menstrual period prolongs at least for 5 days, so after this 5 days, one can have sex life provided he desires to get a child. And as soon as the wife is pregnant, no more sex life, until the child is bom and is grown up at least for 6 months. After that, one may have sex life on the same principle. If one does not want more than one or two children, he should voluntarily stop sex life. But one should not strictly use any contraceptive method and at the same time indulge in sex life. That is very much sinful. ‘The whole scheme is to avoid sex life as far as possible. Married life is a sort of license for sex life on condition of raising children. (Letter to: Satsvarupa : 68-09-20 San Francisco) Even within marriage the couple must endevour to come to the strict standard, otherwise their sex life is still considered illicit + One should practice cleansing oneself extemally and intemally, and he should lear to become simple in behaviour. He should not do anything which is not sanctioned by the scriptural injunctions, He should not indulge in sex outside of married life, for sex is sanctioned in the scripture only in marriage, not otherwise. This is called celibacy. These are penances and austerities as far as the body is concemed (Bhagavad Gita: Chapter 17, text 14 purport.) ‘ .., Inhuman society, those who are not Krsna conscious remain in the forest of material life simply for the honey of sex life. Such debauches are not at all satisfied with one wife ‘They want many women. This woman hunting is going on in the forest of the material world, sometimes legally, and sometimes illegally. Consequently in this Krsna consciousness movement the devotees are forbidden to have illicit sex. Thus they avoid so many difficulties. One should remain satisfied with one woman, being duly married. ‘One can satisfy one's lusty desires with his wife without creating disturbances in society and being punished for doing so. (Srimad Bhagavatam: Canto 5, Chapter 13, Text 10 Purport.) TA2.10, The instructive story of Diti and Kardama Muni « Itwas not natural for her to agitate her husband when he was in trance, but she could not control her strong sexual appetite. Her sex desire was like a mad elephant, and therefore ‘twas the prime duty of her husband to give her all protection by fulfilling her desire. (SB.3.14.10 Purport) (a) This verse and Srila Prabhupada’s purports in this section help to guide us in this very important subject. Let’s first discuss the implications of the statement “giving her all protection by fulfilling her desire.” Later we will consider what is the duty of a wife in a reversed situation. (b) Careful study of Srila Prabhupada’s purports in this section of the Srimad Bhagavatam reveal that there was good reason for Diti to desire union with her husband Kasyapa... All 12 other wives had children, She didn’t, However she was overcome by lusty desires and she gave up proper consideration of proper time, place, circumstance. Her great husband if strong enough could have refused her with strong words expressing impossibility. But he seems to have been inclined to sexual enjoyment with his wife. Thus they both fell from the highest platform. (0) In light of the circumstances Kasyapa Muni had to choose one of two options: « Ifstrong enough to refuse his wife - bringing her to her senses - then arranging to satisfy her lawful desire at the right time, etc. «Satisfy his wife’s demand according to her desire - thus protecting her from her uncontrolled sex desire, which was suitably compared to a “mad elephant” Due to sensual weakness he choose the second option. (d) Some lessons to be understood from his story 1. Itis the duty of a husband to attempt to remain strong enough to uphold the strictest level of religious principles. 2. A husband is duty bound to satisfy the desires of his chaste wife. 3. A woman has absolutely no other shelter to fulfill her sexual desires other than her lawfully wedded husband. (©) Now to shed some light on our second question “what is the duty of a wife in a reversed situation”? The duty of both partners is to protect each other from abominable fall down. “There are those that argue that to reverse the roles in this situation does not apply, as this would break the vow of a chaste wife, and that in Vedic culture a man who was overwhelmed by lusty desires could visit a prostitute rather than pollute his wife by indulging in sex life more than once a month, and then only when they desired to produce a child, () The idea that every man, who slips from the ideal path, has to immediately visit a prostitute is quite ridiculous and unrealistic, and is unhealthy in practically every sense of the term. We are confident that such a preposterous arrangement will never be introduced into ISKCON. + There are many instances throughout the world in which even a purified person, being attracted by a prostitute, spends all the money he has inherited, Prostitute hunting is so abominable that the desire for sex with a prostitute can ruin one's character, destroy one's exalted position and plunder all one's money. Therefore illicit sex is strictly prohibited. One should be satisfied with his married wife, for even a slight deviation will create havoc, A Krsna Conscious Grhastha should alwaysremember this. He should always be satisfied with one wife and be peaceful simply by chanting the Hare Krsna mantra. (Srimad-Bhagavatam Canto 6: Chapter One, Text 64) (g) The other obvious option is Polygamy - to marry more than one wife. Since this arrangement was allowed in Vedic culture Srila Prabhupada seemed at first to be in favour of allowing it within ISKCON. However careful study of Srila Prabhupada’s instructions on this subject, clearly establishes that he didn’t want it to be introduced (h) In conclusion it appears that the only practical solution is for each married couple to work together to gradually overcome this most formidable adversary - Mr. Lust. For success, it is essential for couples to develop relationships of love and trust. (This course introduces many skills which can help build more trusting relationships.) Later in this section we discuss the need for “Privacy in married life” (item 6) and in Choosing a partner (section 6) we discuss “the need for couples to be of like disposition and nature”, @ NB. This example should not be taken as grounds for unrestricted sex, or as an excuse to exploit the weaker sex. It was a fall down and the result was also instructive in that Diti gave birth to the great twin demons Hiranyaksa and Hiranyakasipu. Srila Prabhupada has clearly stated that it is impossible to make spiritual advancement while indulging in illicit activi + When one is ashamed of an abominable action, one naturally becomes down-faced Diti came to her senses after the abominable sexual intercourse with her husband, Such sexual intercourse is condemned as prostitution. In other words, sex life with one's wife is equal to prostitution if the regulations are not properly followed (Srimad-Bhagavatam Canto 3: Chapter Fourteen, Text 33 Purport)2.11. No Illicit Sex - What is our ISKCON preaching standard? * Following in the footsteps of Srila Prabhupada, we all must present that “no illicit sex” means, sex life within marriage, once per month, after chanting 50 rounds, at the right ime to produce a child, and that all ISKCON devotees should come to that standard as soon as possible. + However if person is not following strictly. they should first be encouraged to restrict their sexual activities to their religiously married husband or wife, then they should be encouraged to rise with “all deliberate speed” (ASAP and gradually) to the strict standard. 2.12. A simple conclusion In conclusion I am reminded of a simple rhyme that my mother taught me as a child Good, better, best, never let it rest, until the good is better and the better best. 3. Affection 3.1 The sexual act is not actually necessary for expressing affection. Most of the time it is just a kind of sense gratification offered to each other by partners in a relationship in order to keep the affection of the other, but this makes the relationship fragile. As you have pointed Out, you're afraid that if you don't give him this sense gratification he will leave you and your son. This is a very shallow understanding of affection. If demanding sex is the way a person shows affection for someone else, that person has no idea about himself, what to speak of others. This is not actually affection but just selfishness. (Guru to disciple) 4 Srila Bhaktivinode Thakur’s Sri Bhaktyaloka: Sadhu Vriti 4.1 In the Srimad Bhagavatam 1 1,20.27-28 Lord Krsna describes how a householder should act until his natural propensity for enjoying sense objects is overcome and he fully attains the characteristic of a pure devotee Having awakened faith in the narrations of my glories, being disgusted with all material activities, knowing that all sense gratification leads to misery, but still being unable to renounce all sense enjoyment, my devotee remains happy and worships me with great faith and conviction, Even though he is sometimes engaged in sense enjoyment, my devotee knows that all sense gratification leads to a miserable result, and he sincerely repents such activities 5 Ways to help us gain strength. A) Conscience & supersoul Important not to develop neurotic guilt syndrome. (be genuinely repentant of any falldown; at the same time pick yourself up and continue your devotional service.) B) Repentance & prayer Praying to Srila Prabhupada and Krsna for help and strength, ©) Counseling -Wifefhusband - confidential devotee friends ~Gum's (siksa, diksa) D) Sense Control -Reduce eating -Adjust circumstances causing disturbance 1-1£) Increase and Improve Hearing & Chan 6 Privacy is allowed in the Grhastha Asran 6.1 The question of how to overcome the desire for sex life, especially illicit sex life, is im the ultimate issue a private matter. Each individual has his eternal relationship with the Lord. who is known as Saksi- the witness. The Lord is also our dearmost friend— Suhrit—and is always ready to help us in any circumstance. 6.2 Sex life restriction does not mean that husband and wife should live separately. The idea of marriage is to increase spiritual consciousness, as far as possible. And by advancement of automatically practical. Sex life for begetting Krishna conscious children is as good as Krishna consciousness. This is confirmed in Bhagavad Gita so one has to use his own discretion in this matter and Krishna will help such discriminatory method. It is not that in every state you have to consult me but you have to consult Krishna who is situated within On the whole, sex life, like that of ordinary materialistic men, is not recommended for a Krishna conscious person. My Guru Maharaja although he was brahmacari, sometime he used to say that if I could beget Krishna conscious children 1 am prepared to indulge in sex life a hundred times. The summary is sex life should be utilised only for begetting Krishna conscious children—that's all. (Letter to Hayagriva from Srila Prabhupada February 20,1969) Krsna consciousness that restriction becom 6.3 Married life is not for sex indulgence. The principle of marriage is on the background of getting good children. So the householder is allowed to have sex life once in a month, just after the menstrual period. The menstrual period prolongs at least for 5 days, so after this 5 days, one can have sex life provided he desires to get a child. And as soon as the wife is pregnant, no more sex life, until the child is bom and is grown up at least for 6 months. After that, one may have sex life on the same principle. If one does not want more than one or two children, he should voluntarily stop sex life, But one should not strictly use any contraceptive method and at the same time indulge in sex life. That is very much sinful, If the husband and wife can voluntarily restrain by powerful advancement of Krishna Consciousness. That is the best method, It is not necessary that because one has got wife, therefore you must have sex life. The whole scheme is to avoid sex life as far as possible. And if one can avoid it completely then itis a great victory for him, Married life is a sort of license for sex life on condition of raising children. So you should try to understand these principles of married life and use your discretion. You should not imitate great personalities like Bhaktivinode ‘Thakura, but you must follow his footprints. But it is not always possible to have the same success as great personalities like Bhaktivinode Thakura achieved. So in all circumstances you should try to follow the footprints of authorities but never to imitate them (Letter to Satsvarupa das Adhikari from Srila Prabhupada, Sept. 20,1968) 6.4 But an ordinary man with firm faith in the etemal injunctions of the Lord, even though unable to execute such orders, becomes liberated from the bondage of the law of karma. In the beginning of Krsna consciousness, one may not fully discharge the injunctions of the Lord, but because one is not resentful of this principle and works sincerely without consideration of defeat and hopelessness, he will surely be promoted to the stage of pure Krsna consciousness, (BG.3.31 Purport) 187 Philosophical conclusion given by Srila Prabhupada (NOI. text 1) TA TRANSLATION A sober person who can tolerate the urge to speak, the mind's demands, the actions of anger and the urges of the tongue, belly and genitals is qualified to make disciples all over the world. PURPORT In Srimad-Bhagavatam (6.1.9-10) Pariksit Maharaja placed a number of intelligent questions before Sukadeva Goswami. One of these questions was: "Why do people undergo atonement if they cannot control their senses?” He compared atonement to an elephant's bathing, The elephant may take a very nice bath in the river, but as soon as it comes onto the bank, it throws dirt all over its body. What, then, is the value of its bathing? This kind of prayascitta, or atonement, is condemned by Pariksit Maharaja, the most intelligent king of his time. Sukadeva Goswami, equally intelligent, as befitting the spiritual master of Maharaja Pariksit, answered the King and confirmed that his statement conceming atonement was correct. A sinful activity cannot be counteracted by a pious activity. Thus real prayascitta, atonement, is the awakening of our dormant Krsna consciousness. Real atonement involves coming to real knowledge, and for this there is a standard process. One ‘can be gradually elevated to the standard of real knowledge, or Krsna consciousness, by practicing austerity and celibacy (brahmacarya), by controlling the mind, by controlling the senses, by giving up one's possessions in charity, by being avowedly truthful, by keeping clean and by practicing yoga-asanas. However, if one is fortunate enough to get the association of a pure devotee, he can easily surpass all the practices for controlling the mind by the mystic yoga process simply by following the regulative principles of Krsna consciousness--refraining from illicit sex, meat-eating, intoxication and gambling~and by engaging in the service of the Supreme Lord under the direction of the bona fide spiritual master. This easy process is being recommended by Srila Rupa Goswami. Srila Prabhupada goes on in the remainder of his extensive purport to explain the practical details of this process, (Nectar of Instruction, text 1 & Purport) 19VIHE- Success in the Grihastha Ashram 8. Earning a livelihood/Economics 1, Hearing from Srila Prabhupada 1.1 Easily and honestly procured One should also not accumulate money to become puffed up in the material world, One should eam his livelihood easily and honestly, for it is better to become a coolie for an honest livelihood than to become a great man in society by hook and crook. There is no harm if one becomes the richest man in the world by honest dealings, but one should not sacrifice the honest means of livelihood simply to accumulate wealth. Such an endeavour is harmful to devotional service (SB.2.8.21) 1.2 Very fair and uncomplicated One should work honestly according to his qualification. He should not eam his livelihood unfairly, by means for which he is not qualified. If brahmana who works as a priest so that he may enlighten his followers with the spiritual way of life is not qualified as a priest, then he is cheating the public. One should not eam by such unfair means. The same is applicable to a ksatriya or to a vaisya. It is especially mentioned that the means of livelihood of those who are trying to advance in Krsna consciousness must be very fair and uncomplicated. Here it is mentioned that he who eams his livelihood by unfair means (kevalena) is sent to the darkest hellish region. Otherwise, if one maintains his family by prescribed methods and honest means, there is no objection to one's being a family man. (SB.3.30.33) 1.3 No hankering for more and more TRANSLATION: While working to eam his livelihood a much as necessary to maintain body and soul together, one who is actually leamed should live in human society unattached to family affairs, although extemally appearing very much attached PURPORT: Certainly one requires some means of livelihood, and according to one’s vama and asrama this means of livelihood is prescribed in the sastras. One should be satisfied with this. Therefore, instead of hankering for more and more money, a sincere devotee of the Lord tries to invent some ways to eam his livelihood, and when he does so Krsna helps him, Eaming one's livelihood, therefore, is not a problem. The real problem is how to get free from the bondage of birth, death and old age. Attaining this freedom, and not inventing unnecessary necessities, is the basic principle of Vedic civilisation, One should be satisfied with whatever means of life comes automatically, The modem materialistic civilisation is just the opposite of the ideal civilisation Every day the so-called leaders of modem society invent something contributing to a cumbersome way of life that implicates people more and more in the cycle of birth, death, old age and disease, (SB.7.14.5) 1.4 Satisfied with what comes of own accord For spiritual advancement, one should be materially satisfied, for if one is not materially satisfied, his greed for material development will result in the frustration of his spiritual advancement. There are two things that nullify all good qualities. One is poverty. Daridra-doso ‘guna-rasi-nasi. If one is poverty-stricken, all his good qualities become null and void. Similarly, if one becomes too greedy, his good qualifications are lost. Therefore the adjustment is that one should not be poverty-stricken, but one must try to be fully satisfied with the bare necessities of life and not be greedy. For a devotee to be satisfied with the bare necessities is therefore the best advice for spiritual advancement. (SB.7.15.21) 8-12. Relevant letters (Guru to Disciple) 2.1 Regarding your having a house and material security, naturally you should have these things. Every houscholder should have a house and a piece of land where he and his family can live com- fortably and serve Krsna. There are some rare householders who never want this, and they may live in the temple ashrams for their whole life, but most of the householders in our society have their own places, have their own income, and take care of their own necessities. They don't live opulently; generally speaking they are quite simple. When you visit their homes they are very modest, but, nonetheless, they are economically independent. 2.2 You wonder if the desire for an independent income is detrimental to developing your Krsna consciousness, No, Grhasthas are supposed to have independent incomes. In fact, the Grhasthas, out of their independent incomes, become able to support the temples. In Canada our temples are completely supported by the congregation members, who all have their independent incomes. That is the appropriate way for the temple and the Grhasthas to be related to one another. Although there may be some Grhasthas that work full time for the temple, most of them should be independently engaged, eaming money and supporting the temples. At the same time they should give whatever voluntary service they can to the temple programs. 3. Bhagavad Gita 18th chapter 3.1 One in Krsna Consciousness should not give up eaming money out of fear that he is performing fruitive activities in the mode of passion. (BG. 18.8 Purport) 3.2 BG.18.9: One who performs his prescribe duty only because it ought to be done is in the mode of goodness. 3.3 BG. 18.11: Impossible for one who is embodied to give up all activities one who renounces the fruit of actions, is truly renounced 3.4 BG.18,26: One who performs his duty without worrying about the distress undertaken - always being enthusiastic not caring for success or failure is in the mode of goodness. 3.5 BG. 18.47: Better to engage in one’s own occupation even imperfectly than to accept another ‘occupation and perform it perfectly. 3.6 BG.18.45-46: By following his qualities of work, every man can become perfect - by worship of the Lord - man can, in the performance of his duty, attain perfection. PURPORT (last sentence): In whatever occupation one may be engaged. if he serves the supreme lord he will achieve the highest perfection, 4. Chaitanya Charitamrita 4.1 Translation: All the eatables were first cooked by the wife of Advaita Acarya. Then Srila ‘Advaita Acarya personally offered everything to Lord Visnu. Purport: This is the ideal householder’ life. The husband and wife live together, and the husband works very hard to secure paraphernalia for worshipping Lord Visnu. The wife at home cooks a variety of foodstuffs for Lord Visnu, and the husband offers it to the Deity. After that, arati is performed, and the Prasada is distributed amongst family members and guests. Thus the house holder's life is also a kind of austerity, because of this, the houscholder’s life is called the Grhastha-ashram, (CC.mad.3.41) 5. Notes from Sri Bhaktyaloka 5.1 While maintaining religious family life with one’s wife, sons and daughters are bom in the form of Krsna’s servants and maidservants, to nourish them is called maintaining the famthese activities there is a need for piously accumulating wealth. In this regard Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu has said in the Caitanya Bhagavata Antya 5.41 and Caitanya Caritamrita Madya 15.96 ‘The Lord said, there are so many members in your family. How will you maintain everyone? Being a householder, one needs to save some money. Because he is not doing so, it is very difficult for him to maintain his family. 6. Collecting only enough money to keep the body and soul together 6.1 Translation: Those who are interested in reviving Krsna consciousness and increasing their love of Godhead do not like to do anything that is not related to Krsna. They are not interested in mingling with people who are busy maintaining their bodies, eating, sleeping, mating and defending. They are not attached to their homes, although they may be householders. Nor are they attached to wives, children, friends or wealth. At the same time, they are not indifferent to the execution of their duties, Such people are interested in collecting only enough money to keep the body and soul together. Purport: Even if one is a Grhastha and has to eam his livelihood, he should be satisfied by collecting only enough money to maintain body and soul together. One should not have more than that nor less than that, As indicated herein, a houscholder should endeavour to eam money for the execution of bhakti-yoga~sravanam kirtanam Visnoh smaranam pada-sevanam/ arcanam vandanam dasyam sakhyam atma-nivedanam, A householder should lead such a life that he gets full opportunity to hear and chant. He should worship the Deity at home. observe festivals, invite friends in and give them Prasada. A householder should eam money for this purpose, not for sense gratification. (SB.5.5.3) 6.2 Let us consider the statement “collecting only enough money to keep the body and soul together.” How do we relate this statement to the different levels of opulence manifested by various Grihastha Vaisnavas, both now and in Vaisnava history? ‘The following is one vision of how to apply this statement by someone who is desirous of serving the Lord in a mood of material prosperity or opulence. I would propose that both visions are acceptable and suitable and inspirational to different devotees, Always keeping Krsna at the centre a grihastha should work to eam money to enable him to keep body and soul together. His pleasure should be to invite guests to his home - feed them sumptuous Krsna prasadam—satisfying them in all respects with proper Vaisnava ctiquette et. They should maintain a household deity with a beautiful paraphemalia according to their means, Hold festivals related to the Lord and his devotees. Perform Kirtan with melodious musical ‘accompaniment. Produce Krsna conscious children. Give in charity to deserving projects meant for the spiritual upliftment of the world and the all round well being of the Krsna conscious community.VIHE- Success in the Grihastha Ashram 9. The art of listening—The first step in building relationships Seek first to understand Seek first to understand is a correct principle evident in all areas of life. It’s a generic, common denominator principle, but it has its greatest power in the area of interpersonal relations. Empathic listening takes time, but it doesn’t take anywhere near as much time as it takes to back up and correct misunderstandings when you’re already miles down the road, to redo, to live with unexpressed and unsolved problems, to deal with the results of not giving people psychological air. A discerning empathic listener can read what’s happening down deep fast, and can show such acceptance, such understanding, that other people feel safe to open up layer after layer until they get to that soft inner core where the problem really lies. People want to be understood. And whatever investment of time it takes to do that will bring much greater returns of time as you work from an accurate understanding of the problems and issues and from the high Emotional Bank Account that results when a person feels deeply understood. ol‘The art of listening—Who owns the problem? Who owns the problem? Who does it Tangibly & Concretely effect? If they own the problem “active listen” If we own the problem “I message” Examples of how to decide who owns the problem 1) Room mate snores—we own. 2) Friend is depressed—they own. If we take on another person’s problem we reduce our ability to help them “grow” and solve their own problems. How would we respond to the following? (Write 3 min.) E.g. My husband is no husband at all. He just asked me to stay at home again with the children without any consideration of what I want to do. Vedic culture is for the birds. Or Temple life is too hard—I quit. The devotees just don’t care about me as an individual Don’t do this. Don’t touch that. Krsna consciousness doesn’t work for me 12 road-blocks to communication: Ordering Praising Warning Interpreting Preaching Sympathizing/reassuring Advising Probing Logical Arguments Name calling Criticizing Diverting In the above responses we tend to respond on the basis of our own perceptions, our experience, our understandings—not the person who is speaking. 90% of general responses fall in these categories, How should we respond?—when someone approaches us with a problem. How can we help them with their problem and deepen our relationships Our Suggestion is that we begin by listening. By listening we will help others to: 1) think clearly about their actual problem. 2) Allow them to consider and develop solutions to their own problems This skill requires us to develop the mode of goodness and a high level of trustworthiness There are 4 progressive stages of listening: 1) Passive 2) Non-judgmental acknowledgment. 3) Invitation for deeper communication 4) Responding with understanding 9-21) Passive listening: S—Sit square O—Open posture L—Lean forward E—Eye contact Also listening to non-verbal messages—the face is the video of the mind 2) Non-judemental acknowl ‘A small verbal step to confirm our attention and continued interest to listen Really! Isee You don’t say? Oh! No fooling? Mmmm. ‘You did, huh’ How about that Is that so? Interesting 3) Invitation for deeper communication. To show your further interest and to encourage a deeper level of communication; Pd like to hear more — tell me about it Would you like to talk aboutit_ © — go ahead This seems really important to you — tell me the whole story 4) Responding with understanding or active listening is the essence of leaming to listen. It may include the 3 previous steps but in addition we communicate that the speaker's words are being actually heard or understood. The technique should be understood and practiced until it becomes natural to respond in this way (2-3 weeks) First step is to look for and name the emotion. Don’t worry if we are not completely accurate—speaker will happily correct us. Second step is to name the cause of the emotion. What is the tangible cause of the frustration, sadness, fear, excitement etc. ‘Third step which comes at the beginning of our verbal response is— “Tt sounds like you.” “You seem “What I understand your saying is “You feel...” “Jt appears that. «Refer to handout—‘Developing the ability to listen’ page 331 Review of handout —“Four autobiographical responses.” We, 1) evaluate, 2) probe, 3) advise and 4)interpret. ‘These responses come naturally to us—but they limit our ability to really understand and communicate. We are so deeply scripted in them that we don’t realize when we use them—we will experience this when we role-play and see the dramatic results of improved communication when we learn the art of empathic listening 9-3P.248 We will never be able to truly understand another person—to see the world as he sees it, until 1) you develop the pure desire, 2) the strength of personal character, 3) the positive emotional bank account and 4) the empathic listening skill to do it P. 250 We'll never get to understand the real problem if we're so caught up in our own autobiography. P. 251 By seeking to truly understand, the amazing result can be that the son may be inspired to open his father’s autobiography—asking for advice. As the relationship opens up we must learn to change gears from counseling to empathy—being sensitive to emotions. P. 252 We need to have the skills of empathic listening but they will not be effective unless they come from a sincere desire to understand and truly help someone. It is often helpful if your trying to listen with understanding to people close to you to tell hem what your doing—that you took this course about listening and empathy and I thought about my relationship with you. I realized I haven't listened to you like I should, But I want to, It’s hard for me, I may blow it at times, but I’m going to work at it_L really care about you and I want to understand. I hope you will help me. Offering your motive is a huge deposit in your emotional bank/trust account. ‘Wnen we active-listen we listen with empathy. Empathy — ‘Sympathy (seeing through their eyes) (Seeing through our eyes) * We must convey a mood of acceptance not necessarily agreeing (only when a person feels accepted can they consider changing. * Weare listening out of concern but more importantly to understand. «Resist the temptation to immediately offer words of advice or throw out patchy preachy lines + The general rule is to not advise unless you are quite sure the listener wishes to accept your words. ‘© Instructing one who is disturbed is usually not effective because the troubled person’s turbulent mind will not allow him to hear © Ask open ended questions when there is a lull in the conversation, or it looks like they are expecting you to come up with a solution to their problem. This keeps the responsibility of solving their problem with them, which is the best solution, whenever possible 1) “What are you going to do about it?” 2) “How are you going to respond?” 3) “Do you think...” Remember open ended questions will help a person move closer to solving their own problems. Poor substitutes for responding with understanding/what not to do! + Parroting—instead of Parroting, change or rephrase what’s just been said * Pretending to understand—instead of pretending try 1) correct me if I’m wrong—this is what I understand. 2) Can you repeat what you just said—I got distracted + Ignoring what's being said 94© Long windedness * Being manipulative—subtly directing person to our point of view without hearing them out. Opening then shutting the door—tistening with understanding then loosing our patience—this betrays trust. 9-5I Messages—should be used when you own the problem 1, When you own the problem —You start communication —You are the sender, not the receiver —You are the influencer not the counselor —You start the solution making process 2. Two things to avoid: 1) Solution messages—Ordering, preaching, warning, advising, using Logic 2) Put down messages—Judging, Name-calling, Interpreting, Praising, Reassuring, Probing, These all have one thing in common. They are all "YOU" messages. They only give information about the other person, and don't convey any idea of how we are feeling. 3. I messages send the other person the emotion and the cause of the emotion. They are comprised of three parts: 1) They begin with “when” and describe non-judgmentally, the specific behavior which causes you a problem. (This eliminates the classic question: What did I do.”) 2) Name the emotion you feel. (This shows the other person the degree of emotion we are feeling about a particular behavior of theirs.) 3) Name the tangible and concrete effect on YOU. It must be solid—something the other person can readily envision. This is the hardest of the 3 parts of an “I” message because we often try to correct behaviour that isn’t our problem in the first place. (This, shows logically why they should change.) In other words: BEHAVIOUR + FEELINGS + EFFECTS OR WHAT DISTURBS YOU, WHY AND HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL 4. "I" messages give the other person the opportunity to change their behaviour rather than forcing them to do so. They can help others see the reward of adopting a service attitude. 5. Some points: 1) "T" messages take some courage because we have to be honest with ourselves and others, 2) "I" messages may sometimes produce conflict, but they are certainly not as hard on other peoples egos as "you" messages are 3) "I" messages work best with people who we have a good relationship with, and may have listened to in the past. 4) We can take our time, and think about what we are going to say, before sending an "T" message. 5) "I" messages put us in a more proper frame of mind. We have to assume responsibility for our problems. It's easier just to blame others, talk behind their backs, and feel victimized 9-66) We should understand that most people are just trying to get their needs met when they behave in a way that gives us trouble 6. Anger is secondary emotion Naming anger as the emotion we feel makes the other person feel blamed or put down Iis not accurate because an.er is a secondary emotion. It is far better to honest evaluate our real primary emotion and state that in our “I” messages 7. Shifting gears 1) By your “I” message you may give the other person a problem. Then we need to shift to active listening, 2) Don’t forget that you owned a problem while you are in the middle of active listening. You often have to go back to your problem by sending another “I” message. 3) Keep a healthy balance between courage and consideration 8. Beware of: 1) Disguised "you" messages: "When I see this mess, I feel that you are like a pig.” 2) Don't undershoot or go overboard in your "I" message. Match the tone of your voice with the degree of the problem. 3) Don’t accentuate the negative unnecessarily 9. Three problems that may arise 1) There is no change. Solution: send an louder and clear “I” message. 2) You get an “I” message back. Solution: Active listen. 3) Nothing works. Solution: Conflict resolution 9-7VIHE-Success in the Grihastha Ashram 10. Conflict Resolution Six Paradigms of Human Interaction Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, Win/Win or no deal Let's take a close look at a value system that aims to benefit all parties. Most of life is not a competition. We don’t have to live each day competing with our spouse. our children, our co-workers, our neighbours, and our friends, “Who's winning in your marriage?” Is aridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning, both are losing Win/win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefits in all human interactions. Win/win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying, With a win/win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan. Win/win sees life as a co-operative, not a competitive arena. Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies” strong or weak, hard or soft, win or lose. But that kind of thinking, is fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person's success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others. Win/vin is a belief in a third altemative. It’s not your way or my way; it’s a better way, a higher way. ‘The academic world reinforces win/lose scripting. “The normal distribution curve” basically says that you got an A because someone else got aC. it interprets an individual's value by comparing him or her to everyone else. No recognition is given to intrinsic value, everyone is extrinsically defined “Oh, how nice to see you here at our PTA meeting, You ought to be really proud of your daughter, Jambavati. She’s in the upper 10 percent.” “That makes me feel good.” “But your son, Arjuna is in trouble, He’s in the lower quartile.” “Really? Oh, that’s terrible! What ‘can we do about it?” Most of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most results you want depend on co-operation between you and others. Anything other than the win/win mentality is dysfunctional to that co-operation. Conflict Resolution Process ‘The following 6 step process is most useful when—The relationship “owns the problem.” Two types of ineffective conflicts: 1. Lwin (authority)/you lose (dependent) Result—Creates low motivation, resentment among, dependants 2. 1 Lose/you win, result—Authority feels sentment. Best method: | Win/You Win. 1. Identify and define the conflict a. Select good spare time for both participants bb. Be strong and say there is a problem, and it has to be solved 10-1Send I message—clear and as strong as you feel avoid "you" put downs be clear that you want to find a solution acceptable to both. a6 6 . Generating possible solutions Get their solutions first, Just hear or write down--don't evaluate, don't even say good Resist saying anything right now that conveys unacceptance With several people you may have to encourage the silent ones Keep pressing for possible solutions until it seems all are said gaecRN . Evaluating possible solutions Say something like: “lets see which solution WE think is best. Generally narrowed down to one, two or three solutions. Remember to be honest, if you don't like a certain idea; say so: “I wouldn't be happy with that ecew PN . Deciding on the best solution. Not so hard if exchange is honest ete. Keep testing remaining solutions against each others feelings "would this solution be Okay? Don't make decision seem forever final: let’s try this one out and see if it works If complex, write down Make sure the commitment is clear: “Okay, now, this is what we are agreeing to do." 5, Implementing the decision a, Who is going to do what b, What is needed to do this. c. When do we start? d, Wait till final decision is reached. 6. Follow-up evaluation a. Sometimes the solutions isn't fair to one party b. Later ask: "how is our decision working out.?" What if no acceptable solution takes place? a. Usually means one of the Win/lose concepts sneaked into the solution b. go to #2 above, and get more possible solutions; perhaps schedule that for the next day © Make a strong appeal: “lets try harder” 4d. Talk about the difficulty: “Are there other things stopping us’ 10-2VIHE- Success in the G: astha Ashram 11. Maintaining marriage vows. 1. No separation or divorce—quotes from Srila Prabhupada 1.1 In Vedic civilisation the husband and wife were not separated by such man-made laws as divorce. We should understand the necessity for maintaining family life in human society and should thus abolish this artificial law known as divorce. The husband and wife should live in Krsna consciousness and follow in the footsteps of Laksmi-Narayana or Krsna-Rukmini. In this way peace and harmony can be possible within this world. (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.25.23) 1.2 This marriage is serious business and not to be taken lightly. There is no_question of separation in Krsna conscious marriage. Therefore I am asking all those who want to be married that they sign one paper promising that there will be no separation (Letter to Madhukantha August 8 1971) 1.3 TRANSLATION: O respectful one, a wife is so helpful that she is called the better half of a man's body because of her sharing in all auspicious activities. A man can move without anxiety entrusting all responsibilities to his wife PURPORT: By the Vedic injunction, the wife is accepted as the better half of a man's body because she is supposed to be responsible for discharging half of the duties of the husband. A family man has a responsibility to perform five kinds of sacrifices, called panca-yajna, in order to get relief from all kinds of unavoidable sinful reaction incurred in the course of his affairs. When ‘zman becomes qualitatively like the cats and dogs, he forgets his duties in cultivating spiritual values, and thus he accepts his wife as a sense- gratificatory agency. When the wife is accepted as a sense gratificatory agency, personal beauty is the main consideration, and as soon as there is a reak in personal sense gratification, there is disruption or divorce. But when husband and wife ‘aim at spiritual advancement by mutual co-operation, there is no consideration of personal beauty or the disruption of so-called love, In the material world there is no question of love. Marriage is actually a duty performed in mutual co-operation as directed in the authoritative scriptures for spiritual advancement. Therefore marriage is essential in order to avoid the life of cats and dogs, who are not meant for spiritual enlightenment. (SB. 3.14.19) 2. To maintain the marriage vow we must renounce the propensity for material enjoyment. 2.1 If we wish to become fully Krsna conscious, we have to give up the shackles of Maya, or, if ‘we remain with Maya, we should live in such a way that we will not be subject to illusion. It is not necessary for one to abandon his family, for there were many householders amongst Lord Caitanya’s closest devotees, What must be renounced is the propensity for material enjoyment Although Lord Caitanya approved of a houscholder having regulated sex in marriage, he was very strict with those in the renounced order, and he even banished Junior Haridasa for glancing lustfully at a young woman. The point is that one must take up a particular path and stick to it obeying all the rules and regulation necessary for success in spiritual life. (SB.3.30.8) 3. The Householder is on the safe side 3.1 As a fort commander very easily conquers invading plunderers, by taking shelter of a wife ‘one can conquer the senses, which are unconquerable in the other social orders. PURPORT: Of the four orders of human society —the student, or brahmacari order, the householder, or grihastha order, the retired, or vanaprastha order, and the renounced, or sannyasiorder—the houscholder is on the safe side, The bodily senses are considered plunderers of the fort Of the body. The wife is supposed to be the commander of the fort, and therefore whenever there is an attack on the body by the senses, it is the wife who protects the body from being smashed, ‘The sex demand is inevitable for everyone, but one who has a fixed wife is saved from the ‘onslaught of the sense enemies. A man who possesses a good wife does not create a disturbance in society by corrupting virgin girls. Without a fixed wife, a man becomes a debauchee of the first_order_and is a nuisance in_society--unless he is a trained brahmacari , vanaprastha or sannyasi. Unless there is rigid and systematic training of the brahmacari by the expert spiritual master, and unless the student is obedient, it is sure that the so-called brahmacari will fall prey to the attack of sex. There are so many instances of falldown, even for great yoris like Visvamitra A grihastha is saved, however, because of his faithful wife. Sex life is the cause of material bondage, and therefore it is prohibited is three ashrams and is allowed only in the grihastha asrama. The grihastha is responsible for producing first-quality brahmacaris, vanaprasthas and sannyasis,(SB.3.13.20) 4, Although equal, a wife must remain submissive 4.1 Although a wife may be equal to her husband in advancement in spiritual consciousness, she should not be vainly proud... The wife should not be proud of her parental position. She must always be submissive to the husband and must give up all vanity. As soon as the wife becomes roud of her parentage, her pride creates great misunderstandin in the husband and wife, and their nuptial is ruined. (SB.3.23.3) 5. Commitment 100% - (From Mulaprakrti Dasi's notes) 5.1 The most important element of any successful marriage is commitment, This means that quitting is not a n option. Today this standard is very rare and there is so much propaganda against such faithfulness. In Vedic society, however, this was the golden rule for stability Divorce did not exist. “What is this non ivorce? There is no such thing in the Vedic civilisation, divorce.? You must accept whatever god has given you as a husband or wife, vou must. They hed no thinking even, idea of divorce, One may not agree with husband. This is natural, Sometimes we do not agree. But there is no question of divorce. When this divorce ‘system was introduced? (Room conversation Baltimore 7/7/76) 5.2 Nowadays the lack of this commitment is devastating. Due to Kali-yuga, even in the best relationships, there are sure to be trials and tribulations. Without promises set in stone, any grievance can become cause for serious upheaval leading to possible separation and divorce. —" Unfortunately, his whole life can be disturbed by a wife who divorced him: when the husband is disturbed, the whole family is ruined, the children are dispersed or the business is closed, and everything is affected. It is therefore recommended that a woman desiring to advance in Krsna consciousness live peacefully with a husband and that the couple not separate under any condition. (Krsna Book Ch.26) 5.3 It is mandatory to eliminate all potential escape routes, we must throw away the back door key. Srila Prabhupada stated, any way my husband may be, whatever he may be because I have accepted some gentlemen as my husband I must look to his comforts and whatever his position, it doesn’t matter. This is the duty of the woman, But that is Vedic instruction. Nowadays as soon as, there is a little discrepancy, disagreement, divorce. Find out another husband, no she remained. (SB. Lecture-Honolulu ‘75) 5.4 Formerly one’s marriage would continue lifelong, and the affection between husband and wife was so great that the wife would voluntarily die when her husband died or would remain a faithful widow throughout her entire life. (SB.9.18.23)according to the regulative principles of vamasrama-dharma, Those who live in accordance with these principles, whether as householders, brahmacaris or vanaprasthas, are all equally important, (SB.9.10.54) 7. We can only improve ourselves—and that’s a gradual process. 7.1 Certainly life in this world is difficult for everyone and the main difficulty is becoming Krsna conscious. That is a very personal thing. Your Krsna consciousness is your own responsibility You should not blame your difficulties on your husband. Sure, things could be better if he was a better devotee, but vou cannot change him. The only person you can really change is yourself. and you don't have to do that completely immediately. Take your time; day after day try to make a little improvement here and there. Each moming think of some difficulty that you are having. and then think about how to practice overcoming it during the course of the day. In this way by working on small things, gradually you can see the improvement. This is much better than becoming frustrated by trying to change everything suddenly and completely. (Guru to disciple)VIHE- Success in the Grihastha Ashram 12. Ways to enrich marriage and family relationship 1. Hearing from Srila Prabhupada 1.1 Emperor Svavambhuva Manu enjoyed life with his wife and subjects and fulfilled his desires without being disturbed by unw: rincipals contrary to the process of religion. Every day he used 10 listen to the pastimes of the lord with a loving heart Purport (excerpts) There is no restriction against living with a wife and children, but life should be so conducted that ‘one may not go against the principals of religion, economic development, regulated sense enjoyment and ultimately liberation from material existence The Vedic principals are designed in such a way that the conditioned souls who have come to this material existence may be guided in fulfilling their material desires and at the same time be liberated and go back to godhead, back home. It is understood that emperor Svayambhuva Manu enjoyed his house hold life by following these principals. (SB.3.22.33) 1.2 Detachment One can make his home very happy if onc is in full Krsna consciousness, by four principals 1) chant Hare Krsna 2) accept prasadam 3) read and discuss B/G & S/B 4) engage in Deity worship, If following these 4 principles no need to change from family life to renounced life. (BG. 13.12 Purport) Note from Jaya Sila das: These basic principles can be expanded in so many practical ways; so long as they don’t become contrary to religious principles. 1.3 Man and woman should live together as householders in relationship with Krsna, only for the purpose of discharging duties in the service of Krsna, Engage the children, engage the wife and engage the husband, all in Krsna conscious duties, and then all these bodily or material attachments will disappear, Since the via medium is Krsna, the consciousness is pure, and there is no possibility of des jon at any time. (Bhakti-rasamrta-sindhu 1.2.255) 2. Applying the following 8 principal-based practices will revitalise and enrich your family relationships. 2.1 Retain long term perspet « Preyas short term or immediate gratification. Sreyas long term perspective or benefit We are advised to develop skills and lifestyle that promote long term prospective. «We must build bridges between the ideal and reai_to avoid living in two isolated and artificial compartments 1) The idealistic, ethereal, abstract and spiritual side 2) The mundane, gritty, every day life side * Main Point-Long term but nothing artificial 2.2 Rescript your marriage and family life ‘A. Weall understand that we are enacting various roles in our lives. Shakespeare—“"The world is but a stage and we are all players upon that stage.” 12-1B. Our childhood experiences shape our lives. Our parents and others are role models-good or bad- In affect that shape our lives. Children emulate actions (90%) far more than what they are told or hear 10%, + We must therefore practice what we preach (walk our talk) realising we are writing the scripts for our own children- by our every action (not by our speaking) * Devotees understand this principal (to varying degrees) and are busy re-scripting their own parts in life C. Many problems in marriage rise out of conflicting role expectations or script conflicts. (We deal more with this in session 5 “Great Expectations.”) 2.3 Reconsider your roles ‘Spouses and parents all play these roles— Producer, Manager, and Leader Producer: wants things done but doesn’t encourage other family members by delegating — negative result. Manager: Gets more done through delegation and setting up standards and proceedings based on correct principals but tends to be too focused on efficiency not effectiveness or doing things right instead of doing the right things Management is needed otherwise total confusion. People blaming each other for things undone Some results of focusing only on the management role are: 1) Children help begradgingly, want to leave ASAP, no warmth. 2) No heart and feeling 3) No sense of common direction Leader: 1) Provides direction through modelling and vision 2) Builds a complimentary team - a family based on mutual respect 3) Focuses on win/win results for all stake holders. In leadership role we get things done in an orderly way but our main interest is involving everyone creating new challenges, and adapting to the ever changing circumstances of a growing family, All three roles are required and vital in married life. In early stages both partners must play all 3, perhaps with more emphasis on I than another. As children grow up the manager and leaders roles are more important. Eventually leadership role is most important. 12-22.4 Reset your goals. In our efforts to get what we want in marriage we all too often concentrate on what we want immediately, Not realising the importance or nurturing the people and assets that enable us to achieve our goals. This may work for some time but will not endure long. It will not help build the level of trust required in a happy relationship If we have neglected this principal our emotional bank account with that person may become overdrawn, Marriage requires continual deposits in the form of gentleness, humbleness, consideration, small courtesies, pleasant words and unconditional love. Ifthe level of trust is high then communication is easy; if low we merely attempt to accommodate our spouse. Wherein we attempt to live our independent life styles in a family tolerant way. Ifit deteriorates further it may become hostile and defensive ending in divorce. Ina sense, selfishness is the root cause of marital discord and divorce, we must therefore develop the Krsna conscious perspective of genuine - non exploitive love for our dependants ‘Where do I start if I want to improve my relationships? To make this change in our relationships may be difficult, But it can be done by making small deposits in the emotional bank account of those near and dear to us in the form of patience, courtacies, empathy kindness, services, sacrifices, honesty and sincere apologies for past mistakes, over-reactions, ego trips, and other forms of withdrawal 2.5 Realign family systems Four systems are needed to make a family work 1) Goals and plans 2) Standards of behaviour on all levels, 3) Teaching and training 4) Communicating and problem-solving All four systems are interrelated and necessary. The tendency is to stagnate in our present mode of doing thinks. A family must work together to improve, encouraging growth - developing new attitudes and skills appropriate to the ever changing family circumstances. 2.6 Refine 3 vital skills Time management (or self management) communication and problem solving, ‘We can’t do very much about other people’s behaviour but we can do a great deal about our own. ‘We deal with these important skills in other sections of the course. It will suffice to say here that to be really effective these skills also require character improvement. 1. Problems Can only be solved when we want to see both parties satisfied. (Win/win or no deal) 2. Communication: Can only be achieved by empathic listening, 3. Time management, Is most effective when we organise our lives to fulfil the many roles we must play- with due consideration for the people and assets that help us achieve our Krsna conscious goals. 2.7 Regain internal security This section emphasises the need for individual character development. Which is essential for developing our Krsna consciousnessMost people derive their security from extemal sources - that is, from the environment, possessions, or the opinions of others, including one’s spouse. The problem with any extemal source is dependency on those sources, which means that our lives become buffeted and made uncertain and insecure by whatever happens to those sources, We need to cultivate interdependency from sources that are constant and faithful regardless of circumstances. The ability to rescript our lives and to stay with these new scripts requires a great deal of courage. Courage arises out of an intemal sense of personal worth. Personal value, and personal security. Consider the following seven sources that are independent of circumstances or opinion. A. True north principles Krsna conscious principles, integrity, moral and ethical codes, truthfulness etc. The most fundamental source and the root of all the rest, one that can absolutely be relied on in any given set of circumstances, is our adherence to a set of changeless principles. This means constantly educating and obeying our conscience. The more we do these things, the greater will be our happiness and growth in marriage and the more we will be given wisdom and guidance and power in solving or transcending the various problems and challenges we encounter. B. Rich private life Cultivate the habit of private meditation, contemplation, prayer, and study of the scriptures or other inspirational literature. Many people are bored when they are by themselves, because their lives have been a merry - go - round of activity, almost always with other people. Cultivate the ability to be alone or with serious devotees and to think deeply, to do nothing, to enjoy silence and solitude. Reflect, write, listen, plan, visualise, ponder, relax. A rich private life nourishes our sense of personal worth and security C. Appreciate nature If you become deeply immersed in the beauties of nature - especially the mountains or the seashore and particularly early in the moming or in the evening - you will experience magnificent creation, and nature will feed its quiet beauty and strength into your soul. It is almost like being given a fresh tank of oxygen. Nature is one of the best scripting sources and teaches many beautifull principles and processes. “Know that all beautiful glorious and mighty creations spring from but a spark of My splendour.” (BG.10.41) Think of a vacation you have had where you were close to nature and experienced quiet times in beautiful settings such as canyons, lakes, rivers, streams, seashores, or high mountains, What were you like? Were you not more contemplative, more inwardly peaceful and tranquil? Now think of another vacation filled with fun but also with schedules and rush and travel and socials. time spent at camivals, circuses, amusement-parks, or whatever. What were you like when you retumed from that vacation? Were you not exhausted, spent, frazzled, and still in need of a real vacation? D. Sharpen the saw Cultivate the habit of sharpening the saw physically, mentally, and spiritually every day Cultivate the habit of regular stretching, aerobic, and toning exercise at least every other day Weekend exercise isn’t enough: in fact, it may hurt more than help if we overdo it. As we grow older, our bodies don’t have the flexibility and resiliency to deal with those weekend stresses Regular, vigorous exercise is vital to radiant health and unquestionably influences not just the quantity of our years but the quality of life in those years, We must never get so busy sawing that we don’t take time to sharpen the saw 12-4E. Give service Anonymous service is particularly important. The philosophy that we will find our life when we lose it in service is a totally true paradox. If our intent is to serve, to bless others, without self concem, a by product of our service comes within, a kind of psychological, emotional, spiritual reward in the form of intemal security and peace, Such a reward comes in the second mile. F. Show integrity When we are true to the light we have been given, when we keep our word consistently, When we are striving continually to harmonise our habit system with our value system, then our life is integrated, Our honour becomes greater than our moods, and we ean have confidence in ourselves because we know ourselves. We know that we will be truc and faithful under temptation. Integrity is the foundation of all true goodness and greatness. The intemal security that emerges from it eliminates the need to live for impression, to exaggerate for effort, to drop names of places, to borrow strength from credentials or possessions or fashions or affiliations or associations or status symbols. We have no need for cynicism or sarcasm or cutting humour. Our sense of humour becomes spontaneous, healthy, and proportionate to the situation. G. That other person ‘The final source of security is another person who loves us and belicves in us even when we don’t believe in ourselves. In a sense, this source is extemal to oneself and imperfect. But | mention it because there are those people who are true and faithful and so inwardly anchored and rooted that we can depend upon them - not in the ultimate sense, but in the more proximate sense ‘They know us; they care about us; their love is unconditional; and they will stay with us when everyone else deserts us, particularly when we desert ourselves. Most mothers and many fathers have unconditional love toward their children. Maybe it’s what the mother goes through to bring the child into the world that gives her such an unconditional love and a continuing belief in the basic goodness and potential of her son or daughter. Those who are principle-centred also possess the same capacity Such individuals can make all the difference in our lives. Think of your own life, Did you ever have a teacher, a leader, a neighbour, a friend, a coach, or an adviser who believed in you when you didn’t believe in yourself? One who stayed with you regardless? Not someone who was soft and permissive with you, someone who gave in to you, but someone who would neither give in to you nor give up on you. To me the thrilling challenge is the awareness of how we can be such a person to other people 3. Develop a family mission statement ‘This is an essential task—it calls on us as Krsna consciousness parents to balance the idealistic with the realistic at different stages of our families growth, 3.1 One of the most powerfully unifying experiences that a family can have is in creating a family mission statement. Too many families are managed on the basis of instant gratification, not on sound principles and rich emotional bank accounts, Then, when stress and pressure mount, people start yelling, overreacting, or being cynical, critical, or silent. Children see it and think this is the way you solve problems, either fight or flight. And the cycles can be passed on for generations. This is why I recommend creating a family mission statement, By drafting a family constitution, you are getting to the root of the problem. If you want to get anywhere long term, identify core values and goals and get the system aligned with these values and goals. Work on the foundation Make it secure. The core of any family is what is changeless, what is always going to be thereThis can be represented in a family mission statement. Ask yourself, what do we value? What is our family all about? What do we stand for? What is our essential mission, our reason for being? As important as the end product is - a piece of paper that captures the family mission - even more important is what happens in the process of creating it. If the family mission statement is really to serve as a constitution - something that guides, governs, and inspires- every member of the family must be involved. The mission statement must embody principles that are valued by every member. Let the mission evolve over many weeks and months. Create opportunities where feelings can be expressed openly, with no judgement, where real effort is made to deeply understand what is important to each child, Allow plenty of unforced time, and be very patient 1am reminded of our own family’s first effort to create a mission statement, We had great expetiences together over several months. We leamed a great deal about each other, and in the end we were united around a mission in which we were committed to supporting each other. I ‘would like to share with you our mission statement. I hesitate in doing so because I wouldn’t ‘want you to use it as a model for yours. It is only an example: “The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of order, truth, love, happiness, and relaxation, and to provide opportunities for each person to become responsibly independent and effectively interdependent, in order to achieve worthwhile purposes,” Thave seen the powerful influence this statement has had on each member of our family. I see our children making significant decisions in their lives based on their intemalised desire and commitment to achieving worthwhile purposes and contributing to society. I commend you to this powerfully unifying process. 3.2 Family meetings + Time to let everyone say how they feel about how things are going—from their point of view. ‘+ Reviews of goals and plans; standards of behaviour on all levels; teaching and training; communicating and problem solving; houschold responsibilities—adjusting as necessary + Talk about planning exciting family events—6 months ahead ‘+ Find a topic or theme for each meeting —use imagination. + Schedule the meeting to end with special breakfast, lunch, or something. Make it fun 3.3 Six rules for making your home life happier * Don’t nag + Don’t try to change your partner + Don’t ctiticize * Give honest appreciation * Be attentive to small acts of kindness + Be courteous 12-6VIHE- Success in the Grihastha Ashram 13, Contentious Issues Must All Women Get Married? 1. Women must get married, otherwise they become unhappy 1.1 Brahmacarini is not allowed in the sastra. Where is the question of brahmacarini? Because according to Vedic system, as soon as a girl is fourteen years old or sixteen years old, she is at once married. According. to Vedic system, no girl should be allowed remaining unmarried. So there is no question of brahmacarini. Every girl is supposed to be married. That is the Vedic system. A father's duty is that as soon as the gir! is grown up, she must be married. She must be given in charge of a suitable boy. That is Vedic system. Striyah sudras tatha vaisyah. A woman is meant for being protected. So long she is not young, she is under the protection of the father. And as soon as she is young, she is given in charge, in charity. Kanya-dana. Dana means charity. He should find out some suitable boys and give in charity: "My dear boy, take charge of this girl. So long she was under my charge. Now it is under your charge." So where is the brahmacarini? There is no question of brahmacarini, And when he is old enough, then the husband leaves the home and gives charge to the elderly son: "My dear boys, take charge of your mother.” So she is always in charge of somebody. So according to Vedic system, there is no independent life of ‘woman, Na striyam svatantratam arhati. Manu-sambita, that "Stri"-stri means woman--"should not be allowed independence." They should be given all protection. That's a very nice system (SB Lecture 10/23/68) 1.2 If you have taken a wife, you must be completely responsible for her throughout your life She shall always serve and obey you without fail, and you shall instruct her in Krsna consciousness and act as her spiritual master. Otherwise, without a husband, women have great difficulty in making spiritual advancement. (Letter to Danavir 12/17/72) 1.3 You ask about marriage, yes, actually I want that every woman in the Society should be married, (Letter to Chaya dasi 2/16/72) 1.4 To keep the women chaste, it was the function of the responsible father, or, in the absence of father, the elder brother... So he must get the woman, the girl, married. It is compulsory. There ‘was no compulsory for man to marry. Because a man may remain brahmacari. By training, he can abstain from sex. But if woman is not protected very strictly, it is very difficult. It is very difficult. (Bg. Lecture 7/28/73) 1.5 We give Krsna consciousness both to the woman and man equally. We do not make any such distinction, But to protect them from this exploitation by man, we teach something, that "You do like this. You do like that. You be married. Be settled up. Don't wander independently." We teach them like that. But so far Krsna consciousness is concemed, we equally distribute. There is no such thing that "Oh, you are woman, less intelligent or more intelligent. Therefore you cannot come,” We don't say that. We welcome women, men, poor, rich, everyone, because in that platform equality vidya-vinaya-sampanne brahmane gavi hastini suni caiva svapake ca panditah sama-darsinah We do not refus2 anyone. That is equality. (Room conversations 7/13/75) 13-11.6 You have asked if it is compulsory that a woman should marry. Compulsion is an interesting concept. There are different things that compel people to do the things they do, and certainly there are many things compelling a woman to get married. The problem is: "What does Krsna want?" This is the main principle. Generally, of course, Krsna wants women to mamry so that they can be protected. A woman, however, is dependent on Krsna's help to get married, especially in circumstances like yours. Your father is not in a position to take his responsibility in finding your husband. I have disciples in female bodies, who can't find husbands, even though they would like to get married. There are others who are afraid to get married because they see so many devotees around them having difficulty in their married lives. From our experience, therefore, we see that it is not such a simple matter that we can say categorically that every woman must have a husband. Remain open to the possibility that Krsna will arrange for you to marry. It will be useful for you to have a husband, theoretically speaking, as has pointed out, and so you should expect that Krsna may have such a plan for you. Be prepared, also, to face the possibility that there is no man around now capable of caring for you properly. If no one is around now, one may come on the scene at a later date. I know that it would be nice if things were clearly laid out in front of us: either yes or no, black or white, but often life is not like that. We have to leam that Krsna's in control, and that we are small and cannot very casily understand His plans. When we are actually surrendered to Him, then we can accept and tolerate this uncertainty in our lives. Life in the material world is uncertain, and if we can leam to live with uncertainty, and to adapt as time goes on and circumstances change, it will heip us to live more peaceful lives. (Guru to disciple) 2. Detachment 2.1 Wife children and home are natural objects of affection but when not favourable one should not be attached. One can make his home very happy if one is in full Krsna consciousness by four principals: 1) chant Hare Krsna; 2) accept prasadam; 3) read and discuss BG. & SB; 4) engage in Deity worship. If following these 4 principals no need to change from family life to renounced life But if not congenial, favourable for spiritual advancement then family life should be abandoned In all cases One must be detached from both the happiness and distress of family life, because in this world one can never be fully happy or fully miserable, (BG.13.12 Purport excerpts) 3. Over-emphasising of renunciation 3.1 One who is self controlled and unattached and who disregards all material enjoyments can obtain, by practice of renunciation, the highest stage of freedom from reaction, PURPORT: The person acting in Krsna consciousness is really a sannyasi, one in the renounced order of life. A sannyasi is supposed to be free from the reactions of his past activities, but a person who is in Krsna consciousness automatically attains this perfection without even accepting the so called order of renunciation, (BG.18.49) Note: Srila Prabhupada is consistently pointing out that it is rather our state of consciousness which determines our level of perfection not necessarily the “ so called order of renunciation.” 4. One should not marry a woman who already has a child 4.1 TRANSLATION: A chaste woman should not be greedy, but satisfied in all circumstances She must be very expert in handling houschold affairs and should be fully conversant with religious principles. She should speak pleasingly and truthfully and should be very careful and always clean and pure PURPORT: It is recommended, therefore, that a chaste wife not associate with a fallen husband. A fallen husband is one who is addicted to the four principles of sinful activity--namely illicit 13-2sex, meat-eating, gambling and intoxication. Specifically, if one is not a soul surrendered to the ‘Supreme Personality of Godhead, he is understood to be contaminated. Thus a chaste woman is advised not to agree to serve such a husband, It is not that a chaste woman should be like a slave while her husband is naradhama, the lowest of men. Although the duties of a woman are different from those of a man, a chaste woman is not meant to serve a fallen husband. If her husband is fallen, it is recommended that she give up his association. Giving up the association of her husband does not mean, however, that a woman should marry again and thus indulge in prostitution, Ifa chaste woman unfortunately marries a husband who is fallen, she should live separately from him. Similarly, a husband can separate himself from a woman who is not chaste according to the description of the sastra. The conclusion is that a husband should be a pure Vaisnava and that a woman should be a chaste wife with all the symptoms described in this regard. Then both of them will be happy and make spiritual progress in Krsna consciousness. (SB.7.11.28) 4.2 If you have a child and you are not married, still, having a child is the same as being married, so there is no more marriage, Marriage is not for sense gratification, not that we get married twice, thrice in a year. No, if you have got a child there is no need for more marriages. (Letter to Navina 7/19/72) 4.3 Regarding the suggestion that you remarry, I have never suggested such a thing, so you need not trouble yourself with this. As I told you in Los Angeles, I wish that the mother’s who have no husband at present should not remarry, but should dedicate their time to seeing that their children are brought up very nicely in Krsna consciousness. (Letter to Silavati 6/14/69) 4.4 A women with a child, strictly she cannot marry again. (Letter to Bhagavan dasa 9/7/75) ‘This is certainly a controversial issue with many angles of vision to be considered. © Itis clear from the above quotes that Srila Prabhupada didn’t want to see his women disciples re-marrying, especially those who already had children. However our institution has not been able to maintain or protect so many unmarried mothers. ‘© Inmany cases it seems that when a husband leaves his wife and children, and in some cases leaves Krsna Consciousness altogether, many women have taken shelter of another Krsna conscious husband, who has helped them to successfully raise their children in Krsna consciousness. «It should suffice to say that for a woman, having to re-marry, especially in the presence of her ‘own children, is not at all recommended or desirable, but is however sometimes required,VIHE - Success in the Grihastha ashram 14. Dealing with children 1 Srila Prabhupada 1.1 The irresponsible life of sense enjoyment was unknown to the children of the followers of the vamasrama system, The boy was even injected with spiritual acumen before being placed by the father in the womb of the mother. Both the father and the mother were responsible for the boy's success in being liberated from the material bondage, That is the process of successful family planning, Itis to beget children for complete perfection. Without being self-controlled, without being disciplined and without being fully obedient, no one can become successful in following the instructions of the spiritual master, and without doing so, no one is able to go back to Godhead (SB. 15.24) he idren of one of his disciples to the Deitics in the Temple, Just as some devotees have to devote full-time to taking care of the Deities in the Temple, some devotees have to dedicate much time to taking care of their small children; and they are not ordinary children, they are devotees. Serving, 2uiding. and_training Krishna's devotees will make you very dear to Lord Krishna, 2. We cannot allow our children to fail 2.1 Human nature dictates that those who experience failure tend to reject the environment subtle or gross, that surrounds that failure, Our children are not exceptions. Ifa child experiences failure in school and is labelled a rascal, a poor student, a bad devotee, or a space case, he’ll tend to reject his identity as a “failure” devotee and seck a new identity which promises more success. Parents should keep in mind that few children enter school already thinking, Lam a failure, and fewer come labelled failures. Ifa child has satisfactorily functioned for five years within his family, he comes to school confident that he will continue to succeed. He naturally hopes to gain the love and respect of teachers and classmates through ways similar to those that have worked with his parents. The shattering of this optimistic outlook is a serious problem with most elementary educational systems, not just within our gurukulas. 2.2 Many educators believe that the first years of school are critical for a student’s “success or failure” view of himself, a view that he may carry for the rest of his life. In the experience of many, even if he is often confronted with failure during those years, a student’s confidence may wane, but it wall still remain basically intact for about five more years. If, however, from the ages of five to ten, the child consistently experiences failure with little success, by the time he is ten, his confidence will be shattered, his motivation will be destroyed and he will have begun to identify with failure, Not only will such a devotee child tend to bloop when he grows up, but even while young his attitude is likely to become negative and his activities abnormal. 2.3 The most critical of a child’s school years are those between five and ten. Although no parent or school system at any time should be allowed to insinuate, ridicule, or use sarcasm to label any child a failure, itis urgent that there counterproductive techniques are rooted out specifically within these years. Parents and gurukulas should therefore become determined to help each child become successful, at least in some aspect of Krsna consciousness as easily as possible and to not allow even one child to fail as a devotee, 14-13. Hints to help our children succeed 3.1. Treat children with respect. ‘Treat children with respect and they'll be more inclined to act worthy of respect. Srila Prabhupada would often speak to his disciples about preaching and compassion. By speaking as if his disciples were mature, he thus motivated them to come to a higher platform. We should do the same with our children. icule or call undue attention to a child’s faults. Ridicule, humiliation, and harsh sarcasm often breed deep resentment within a child, As a general rule, call attention to behaviours you wish to intensify and ignore behaviours that you wish to go extinct 3.3. Seek out and encourage each child’s strengths and abilities. “Krsna surya sama maya haya andhikara” As darkness is removed through light, one’s faults are minimised through the light of doing something well in Krsna’s service. Help each child develop his own area of expertise. The expert parent not only notes, appreciates, and encourages the strong points that their child possess, but such a parent engages the child so the child’s strong points play a central role in his activities 3.4. Use positive reinforcoment. Children’s misbehaviour is often an attempt to capture attention. If attention is given when children act appropriately, they’ll then not find it necessary to resort to misbehaviour to achieve attention. Positively reinforce with genuine praise those behaviours that you wish your children to continue. Children with behavioural problems need more positive reinforcement than average children. 3.5. Use choices when dit ing. Children who are caught misbehaving often think of the parent as their punishment. Thus the parent appears to them as the problem rather than their own inappropriate behaviour. To combat this misappropriation of blame, present children with choices so they will understand that if punishment occurs, it is occurring as the product of their free, but incorrect choice Instead of saying “If you make a noise I'm going to remove you from the temple”. Say “ You have to make a choice now. If you choose to keep making the noise, you are choosing to go outside. It is your choice.” 14-23.6. Use peer - pressure. Tired of always being the one putting pressure on your children to behave? Let the group help with peer pressure. For example, if your entire group chants well for ten minutes then the entire group gets Maha Prasad or extra free time or praise etc, The children will pressure each other to chant. 3.7. Do not over emphasise academics especially with older children 10 - 18 yr. Keep academics in perspective. Compulsory academic education is not Vedic. And undue emphasis on academics, as if school boy intellectuals are the only worth while devotee students, neglects the principle of vamasrama and needlessly encourage a “failure identity” for students who are not academically inclined. Remember that vamasrama is natural and allows cach individual to successfully serve Krsna. 4, Training - According to tendency 4.1 Dhruva Maharaja could not follow Narada’s brahminical instructions , due to his Ksatriya spirit, (S. B. 4.8.36) 4.2 Itis the duty of the father to understand the astrological position of chil whi is needed for their happiness - Nanda Maharaja studied Krsna’s astrological position (S. B. 10.8.5) Notes from Jaya Sila das * Astrology can be checked from time to time, adjusting as the child grows. Parents can consider practical engagements according to the child’s nature and inclinations. + social immaturity has trained us to equate success only with Brahminical activities - generally in the renounced ashrams; hence boys, who are not Brahminical and or don’t want to remain as Brahmacaris (what to speak of girls) walk the path of failure from as early as 12 - 14 years old. + One of the objectives of this course is to reverse this misappropriation of our philosophy 4. Consistency is an essential factor in dealings with our children. We must reward and reprimand specific behaviour with consistency. Example: As a general rule Krsna dasa (6-7 years) argues with his mother about what time he will come in for his evening bath - some nights its 6 o'clock, some its even 7:30 PM. Krsna das’s mother loves Krsna das, so she is extremely tolerant of his tantrums, disobedience and nightly rebellions. But every so often it all gets too much for her. She explodes in front of all his playmates, drags Krsna das by the ear, kicking and screaming to the house; admonishing him about his continued misbehaviour- “when will you ever become a good devotee”? etc. Krsna das is bewildered and confused - he didn’t do anything different tonight from all the other nights. Then mum feels guilty about her outburst and decides to make it up to Krsna das, by letting him stay up late watching Maha Bharat videos. She also tells him he can come in for his bath whenever he decides tomorrow night— and so the eycle goes on. Inconsistent expectations, confusion, unacceptable behaviour, punishment, guilt, reconciliatory rewards, further confusion, 5. Consequences for unacceptable behaviour There must be pre-determined consequences. The child should clearly understand what the consequences are and exactly what behaviour attracts those consequences. It is very important to follow through with consequences as planned, otherwise we shall be guilty of idle threats - 14-3which bread contempt. If this principle is applied consistently the child will respond, experiencing that negative behaviour attracts negative consequences. * Note, consequences must be appropriate to behaviour. + As inall disciplinary interactions we must be consistent, while remaining flexible to changing circumstances, ete. 6. The new arrival ‘The arrival of the Ist child brings many changes to the household. I would like to mention one. The tendency will be for the wife to shift her focus of attention from her husband to her new bom child. This is certainly natural for so many obvious reasons. However the fundamental principal of the husband being the head of the household should never be forgotten or neglected. Although the new bom will demand so much of the mother’s time and affection, and will also require the husbands support in so many ways, if the mother's attitude begins to change towards her husband, this will cause problems in their relationship 7. How to train/discipline children ‘They should be trained to act to please parents this will bring them happiness. When disciplining, we hate the sin not the sinner. We still love the child - but we will not like the specific behaviour. It’s important to be specific. 8, Using ‘time out? method This system of discipline is good for children from ages 2 to 10, Basically, ‘time out’ means sending the child to a suitable room for a specified amount of time, Itis important that the “time out’ room has no playful diversions in it , so that the child does not become absorbed and thus forgets the purpose of the isolation. Neither should it be too small or claustrophobic (eg. Toilet or closet). After a few minutes, usually no more than 5( and only one or two for the very young). The child can be called out. Quite often by then the child has had time to think, or has calmed down and is in a more reasonable mood. The parent can then go over the rule that was broken which warranted the ‘ time out’ treatment and a waming that if such a behaviour is repeated ‘ time out’ will again be implemented. ‘ Time out’ should not be over used for trivial disturbances when a gentle reprimand will suffice. It should be kept for specific behavioural problems that require more than a few words or a disapproving look Exg. Answering back, hitting other children, etc, When used correctly and consistently it can bea very effective and peaceful form of discipline. 9. How to develop love trust 9.1 Listen to our children empathically- don’t deny their feelings. Their feelings are just as real or tangible as yours and mine. Denying those feelings will reduce their trust in us, and will build up resentment. Example Parent, “You shouldn’t feel like that”. “t's stupid to fee! like that” “You shouldn’t feel like that, you should be more Krsna conscious” 9.2 When a child vocalises dreams, requests or desires, leam to avoid confrontation and disappointment by minimising your use of the word ‘No’. Use it as little as possible Example. Child “When you go on your trip Prabhu, I've got lots of things I would buy for me. Can you?” e you to 14-4Parents response (wrong) “No! Don’t be so materialistic. | bought you something last trp, ‘Your never grateful. You always want more. You know we don’t have much money Ete Parents correct response - (trying to understand from a child’s point of view) “Sounds exciting, I think we might have to order another aeroplane just to fit them all in. Lets make a list ofthe things you are thinking about and then we can talk together and see what we can do.” * Talking about the practical and financial realities can be done later, after the list is made, It’s amazing how reasonable most children can be if we respect their feclings, 10. Teaching your children values - by Richard & Linda Eyre + Ifwe don’t teach our children values material society will - It’s as simple as that. * Teaching values using the one value per month method can be included as part of a monthly family meeting 14-5VIHE Success in the Grihastha Ashram 15. From childhood to Youth. Parent - child relations Parents often experience conflicting expectations in their relationships with their children, especially as these children enter teenage years. Parent and child have different ideas about their roles, and these ideas change as they go through various stages of growth and development. 1.1 Unless a child is trained according to his tendency, there is no possibility of his developing his particular spirit, It was the duty of the spiritual master or teacher to observe the psychological movement of a particular boy and thus train him in a particular occupational duty. (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.8.36) 1.2 In Vedic culture, young women and men were trained in the duties and responsibilities of their gender. “Thus when a girl and a boy united, both are trained for a life dedicated to a higher purpose. The boy is trained to execute his duty in accordance with the higher purpose of life, and the girl is trained to follow him. The chaste wife's duty is to keep her husband pleased in houscholder life in all respects. (S.B 4.23.20: purport) 2, Suggested vision for a non-brahminical young person (which may also be realistic for many adults) - (Extrapolation of Srimad Bhagavatam 5:5:3) 2.1 Always keeping Krsna at the centre Grihasta should work to eam money to enable him to keep body and soul together. His pleasure should be to invite guests to his home - feed them sumptuous Krsna prasadam - satisfying them in all respects with proper Vaisnava etiquette etc ‘They should maintain a houschold deity with a beautiful paraphernalia according to their means Hold festivals related to the Lord and his devotees, Perform Kirtan with melodious musical accompaniment. Unite to produce Krsna conscious children. Give in charity to deserving projects meant for the spiritual upliftment and all round well being of the Krsna conscious community ‘The day I read this verse I became inspired about the need to help our youth develop a pract Vision which inspires them about their future. My son Nanda-lal and I then shared the follo thoughts. al 2.2 If they are not so renounced it's important for them to develop this kind of vision, This is the standard of real pleasure which is not contrary to religious principles. Attempting to imitate the sinful activities of the karmis will only bring them disappointment, frustration bewilderment, and unhappiness - along with the increased reactions of sinful life. 2.3 Most of our young devotees will become Grihasthas. They must be inspired by a realistic vision for their future- this is essential in their transition from youth to adulthood 2.4 Important to understand how one can satisfy one’s desires for pleasure while in the material world without becoming degraded by sinful activities. 2.5 Like us, our children want to enjoy life. This is the natural desire of all living beings. As parents we have chosen the path of devotional service and are experiencing spiritual (and possibly some material) pleasure in proportion to our surrender to the Lord. As young adults many of our 15-1children shall also want to experiment with “ worldly pleasures” gradually deciding - over some time, what level of renunciation they are voluntarily prepared to accept in their own lives as, mature adults. 2.6 If we don’t help them by providing a variety of “Visions” or options for their future, they are certain to become degraded in their attempts for satisfaction and happiness. 2.7 It’s only by Krsna’s kindness that the pin-pricks of the material miseries gradually force us all to see our foolishness and renounce our desire for material pleasure. 2.8 It is our duty and its only common sense, to present a positive vision of Grihasta life for our children, where they can see how they can actually satisfy their hearts desire to experience pleasure while in the material world. 2.9 Most of our children want to have the best of both worlds, and let be honest that’s what many devotees want. 2.10 Very few children who have experienced the pure and nectarine life of childhood in Krsna ‘consciousness, will be happy or satisfied to whole heartedly adopt the ways of the karmis. 2.11 However if we continue to present the vision of a renounced brahmacari preacher as the only really successful role model for our young men to adopt, (what to speak of the lack of role models for our girls), we shall continue to see our children rejecting Krsna consciousness The fact is however that they are generally not renouncing Krsna consciousness, but only what is for them an unattainable goal. 2.12 Education required about the effects of drugs and illicit sex. 15-2VIHE Success in the Grihastha Ashram 16. Sense control 1. Srila Prabhupada 1.1 Translation: As a fort commander very easily conquers invading plunderers, by taking shelter of a wife one can conquer the senses, which are unconquerable in the other social orders. Purport: Of the four orders of human society --the student, or brahmacari order, the householder, or grihastha order, the retired, or vanaprastha order, and the renounced, or sannyasi order -the householder is on the safe side. The bodily senses are considered plunderers of the fort of the bodv. The wife is supposed to be the commander of the fort, and therefore whenever there is an attack on the body by the senses, it is the wife who protects the from being smash ex demand is inevitable for everyone, but one who has a fixed wife is saved from the onslaught of the sense enemies. A man who possesses a good wife does not create a disturbance in society by corrupting virgin girls. Without a fixed wife, aman becomes a debauchee of the first order and is a nuisance in society--unless he is a trained brahmacari , vanaprastha or sannyasi. Unless there is rigid and systematic training of the brahmacari by the expert spiritual master, and unless the student is obedient, it is sure that, the so-called brahmacari wil fall prey to the attack of sex. There arc so many instances of falldown, even for great vogis like Visvamitra_A grihasta is saved, however, because of hi faithful wife. Sex life is the cause of material bondage, and therefore it is prohibited is thre asramas and is allowed only in the griasta asrama, The grhasta is responsible for producing first-quality brahmacaris, vanaprastas and sannyasis.(S.B. 3.13.20) How a faithful wife can protect her husband AA faithful wife can protect her husband from the attack of the senses by leaming how to subtlely satisfy his desire for pleasure, by making pleasing household arrangements She should dress nicely for her husband; create a clean, pleasing and Krsna conscious atmosphere in the home; cook “satvic” foodstuffs; speak in sweet words and always act to satisfy his ego. If the husband’s senses are satisfied by these methods, he can be protected from the demand of gross sex desire. 1.2 Without being self-controlled, without being disciplined and without being fully obedient, no one can become successful in following the instructions of the spiritual master, and without doing so, no one is able to go back to Godhead. ( SB 1.5.24) 1.3 Without marriage sex life is unrestricted. And as soon as it comes to the Vedic principles, it becomes restricted. So the idea is to restrict. (B/Gita lecture 5.14.73) 1.4 So restriction is required. Why? It is because it is bad. Nobody restricts that you don’t ‘manufacture chapati, no. Because it is not a bad thing. There is no such law that you don’t manufacture nice foodstuff, that is very good. But when it is bad, then there is restriction. ‘Therefore there is restriction of sex life, there is restriction of drinking wine, there is restriction of meat cating, and there is restriction of gambling. Because these things are bad You cannot become good by indulging in bad things that is not possible. (Bhagavad Gita lecture 5-14-73) 1.5 So both things are there, pravrtti-marga, nirvrtti-marga, because all the living entities who have come in this material world with a pravrtti, with an intention to enjoy this material 16-1world, therefore they are regulated, There are two ways, nirvrti-marga and pravrtti-marga. Pravrtti-marga means he has got intention, desire for material enjoyment, So he's regulated, “Do like this," so that he may come to the point of nirvitti-marga ‘The purpose of Vedas is to gradually, to bring him to the point of nirvrtti, Nirvrtti, he has to make (Bhag. Lecture 10-17-72 ) 1.6 When butter is brought into the Proximity of fire, it melts. The woman is like fire, and ‘man is like the butter. But if one gets a chaste wife, accepted through a religious martiage ritual, she can be of great help when one is threatened by the many dangerous situations of life. Actually such a wife can become the source of all good intelligence. With such a good wife, the family engagement in the devotional service of the Lord actually makes a home a grihasta asrama, or household dedicated to spiritual cultivation Bhag, 4.26.16. 2. Practical application 2.1 Regarding getting married, certainly you will eventually get married. But first you should leam how to control your senses, otherwise you will spoil your marriage. Prepare yourself to be a responsible grhastha: leaming some austerity, controlling the senses understanding the Philosophy, becoming attached to celibacy. What is the use of being a human being if you're not going to endeavour to control your mind and senses. (Gun to disciple) 2.2 As far as affection is concemed, that is an important ingredient in any family, You should be affectionate to all your family members, including your wife. You can show your affection with embraces, kisses, service and sweet words. The only thing you should avoid (if you want to get initiated) is sex life. If you think that affection, embracing and kissing automatically go together with sex life, then you have not understood real affection. Sex life is not an essential method of showing affection to someone. More or less it is an effort to gratify ones own senses. You have to separate showing affection from vour sense gratifica- tion. If you think affection and sex must go together, then you have no idea what affection is If every time you want to show affection to your wife, you also ask for sense gratification, your wife will become confused. She won't understand whether you have affection for her or not. Certainly she wants affection from you, but that affection should be given without asking the price of sense gratification. Leave the sense gratification out of it. Stop being so selfish Just give affection to your family members because they need it from you, because you like them, because they're nice people, because you're their husband and father. It is your responsibility to give them affection, and it's not your responsibility to use your wife for sense gratification (Guru to disciple) 3. Discription of the Vaikuntha atmosphere 3.1 It is also stated that in the Vaikuntha world the consorts of the residents are many, many times more beautiful than we can find in this material world, even in the higher planets. It is specifically mentioned here that a woman's large hips are very attractive and they stimulate man's passion, but the wonderful feature of Vaikuntha is that although the women have large hips and beautiful faces and are decorated with omaments of emeralds and jewels, the men are so absorbed in Krsna consciousness that the beautiful bodies of the women cannot attract them. In other words, there is enjoyment of the association of the opposite sex, but there is no sexual relationship. The residents of Vaikuntha have a better standard of pleasure, so there is no need of sex pleasure, (Srimad Bhagavatam 3.15.20) 16-23.2 PURPORT: Whenever there is a nice atmosphere in the material world, immediately there is an awakening of the sexual appetite in the minds of materialistic persons. This tendency is present everywhere within this material world, not only on this easth but in higher planetary systems as well. In complete contrast with the influence of this atmosphere on the minds of the living entities within the material world is the description of the spiritual world. The ‘women there are hundreds and thousands of times more beautiful than the women here in this material world, and the spiritual atmosphere is also many times better. Yet despite the pleasant atmosphere, the minds of the denizens do not become agitated because in the spiritual world, the Vaikuntha planets, the spiritualistic minds of the inhabitants are so much absorbed in the spiritual vibration of chanting the glories of the Lord that such enjoyment could not be surpassed by any other enjoyment, even sex, which is the culmination of all pleasure in the material world. In other words, in the Vaikuntha world, in spite of its better atmosphere and facilities, there is no impetus for sex life. As stated in Bhagavad-gita (2.59), param drstva nivartate: the inhabitants are so spiritually enlightened that in the presence of such spirituality, sex life is insignificant. (Srimad Bhagavatan 4.6.30) 3.3 In the Vaikuntha planets there are husbands and wives, but there is no question of their giving birth to children or having sex life. In the Vaikuntha planets both husbands and wives are extraordinarily beautiful, and they are attracted to one another, but they do not enjoy sex life. Indeed, they consider sex not to be very rellishable because both husbané and wife are always absorbed in Krsna consciousness and in glorifying and chanting the glories of the Lord. According to Bhaktivinoda Thakura also, a husband and wife can tum the home into a place as good as Vaikuntha, even while in this material world. Being absorbed in Krsna consciousness, even in this world husband and wife can live in Vaikuntha simply by installing the Deity of the Lord within the home and serving the Deity according to the directions of the sastras. In this way, they will never feel the sex urge. That is the test of advancement in devotional service. One who is advanced in devotional service is never attracted by sex life, and as soon as one becomes detached from sex life and proportionately attached to the service of the Lord, he actually experiences living in the Vaikuntha planets. In the ultimate issue, there is actually no material world, but when one forgets the service of the Lord and engages himself in the service of his senses, he is said to be living in the material world. (Srimad Bhagavatam 4.23.29) 16-3