Lina Apodaca

Key 192C-015

Narrative Two: Values

It’s three o’clock and my mind won’t stop. I should be fast asleep, letting my mind
recharge and prepare for another day, but that’s just not happening. My eyes flicker around the
room, but I can’t make out anything in the dark space. There’s not a hint of light in sight. I soon
began to realize that what I see around me is a great representation of my mind. I’m lost
searching for a flicker of light, looking for a glimpse of hope that will show me it will all be
okay. But in my heart, I know it won’t. It’s been the same routine for years and the only thing
that’s changed is that now they know. They know I am not okay. They know I am depressed.
They know I am suicidal. And they know that I am broken.

It’s been three years since I first asked for help, since I first admitted I didn’t want to live,
and since I took the first step in getting better. But the thing is, I don’t. Feel better that is.
Instead, I feel more lost and confused than ever. It’s been a never-ending cycle that repeats over
and over again. It’s attempts after attempt. Therapy after therapy. Medicine after medicine.
Hospital visit after hospital visit. Fake smile after smile. And frankly, I am sick of it. I want to
scream at the unfairness of it all. Why me? Why can’t I be normal? That would sure make things
a lot simpler, and the things I care about most wouldn’t currently be suffering because of it.

I hear the word love all the time, and what would I give to understand what that meant. I
want to look in the mirror and love what I see. But I don’t. I want to think about my personality
traits and love them because it's me. But I don’t. I want to smile because I found my passion and
I love it. But I don’t. I want to tell somebody that I love them and mean it. But I don’t. I want to
wake up each day happy because I love life. But I don’t. How can I begin to understand love
when my mind has convinced me I am unworthy?

I look at the people around me and I see them laugh and smile with each other. They’ve
built strong relationships, and I realize that I want that. I want to form a connection and bond
with my family, friends, and peers. I want to be able to trust in the people around me and build a
support system I can go to. But my mind has convinced me I can never have that.
 I see my family support and be there for one another. I learn that family has your back no
matter what. But I don’t believe it. I watch the way my older sister interacts with my cousin and I
know I’ll never have the relationship they do. I think back to the ways my little brother adores
me and I know he deserves better. I see the disappointment in my mother’s eyes when she
catches me in another lie about my health, but I can’t seem to bring myself to care. I think back
to the faces I saw and the cries I heard when I made the first attempt on my life, but I can’t see
past my own pain. My mind won’t let me.

My mind is my own worst enemy. I wish it was my sanctuary, but like I said I’m not
normal. My brain doesn’t produce the right chemicals properly, and I am not doing my best job
on helping it. But I want to. I want to be better. I want to find love. I want to have strong
relationships. And most importantly, I want to value my family. So maybe, just maybe if I put
some work and effort into prioritizing these three things than maybe I can be better. Even if it’s
only slightly better because better is better.

Fast forward almost four years later. I am now a freshman in college, and I can honestly
say that I am better. I am at the best I have ever been. Looking back at the girl I was and the girl I
am now, I feel like a completely different person. When asked what I valued, I didn’t hesitant to
say family, relationships, and love. Without these three aspects in my life I wouldn’t be where I
am today.

Now, when I think about my family the first word that comes to mind is everything. My
family without a doubt is everything to me. Everything I do is for them. I want to make them
proud and repay them for everything they have done for me. It’s their love and support that has
pushed me to get better. They didn’t give up on me even when I gave up on myself. I look at my
mom and see a strong woman who would do anything for her kids. I see someone who will
always have my best interest at heart. I look at my dad and see a man who may not be around a
lot, but who is a hard worker that loves his family. I look at my little brother an see my best
friend and biggest confident. Like I said my family is everything to me.

Now, when I think about the relationships I have made many have come to mind. There
are the relationships I have with my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my teachers, and my
peers. I now feel that I have many strong different support systems that I can go to for anything.
My best friend is my rock and has helped me with my struggle with mental health. She forces me
to take care of myself on days that getting out of bed feels like a chore. The relationship I have
with my boyfriend is one I truly cherish. He is my greatest cheerleader and accepts me for who I
am. The relationship I developed with my high school teacher Cindy VonFeldt means a lot to
me. She helped me discover my passions and gave me a creative outlet to express myself. Then
there are the relationships I have with the people around me. Though they may not be strong, I
value and respect them all the same.

Now, when I think about love millions of things pop into my mind. I love myself because
I am me and there is no one else like me. I love who I am inside and out and that makes me
incredibly happy and proud to say. Because at one point I thought it would never happen. I can
confidently tell people I love them and mean it and show it. When people tell me that they love
me I believe because I know I am worthy.

Each of my values intertwine with one another, I couldn’t have one without the other. My
family makes me strong, and they are the first people to show me what love is. My relationships
help form me into the person I am. Each person I interact with helps inspire me to be my best.
Finally, without love I wouldn’t know anything. Love is the basis of my being. It’s what I strive
to find in ever aspects of my life. All in all, I wouldn’t be me without my values.