Diego Vazquez Gomez Bertelli

Prof. Kate Udall

Voice 1-F

October 24th, 2019

Voice Reflection Paper

It’s been going well. I think there have been some weird underlying feelings of

uncomfortable, happy, nostalgic, and very white ever since coming back from Fall Break. I keep

smelling Mexico and everything feels like a good memory in the making. Basically, I can tell I

am in a very good and happy part of my life. I think this has come from the acceptance that has

been introduced into my process as an artist. I really did not use to believe in my work or in

myself. I still have some moments where I feel suspended without a narrative of success to

secure my path. But a huge part of what kept me faithful to my artistry was that my mind was

crying and insisting that my story should be quiet. That I’d spoken too much. That I just wasn’t

one of those people who can do this. And I would look at my little sister and I recognized so

much of that story in her and I decided that, while my story is hard to tell, it is important for that

same reason. That my art, no matter how arts-and-craftsy, or unorthodox, or “weird,” or off, or

anxious it was, it was mine. And that is all art had to be. And that was and is so important to me.

Because if I, who feel quite inadequate and fucked up and anxious all the time, can work past my

insecurities and circumstances and make something out of my life, then I can empower people

like my little sister, or my mom, or my dad, or anyone who feels they have been dealt a losing

deck, to make something out of it.

 So, I’ve worked my ass off in order to feel ready and worthwhile enough to tell my story

and use these wonky ass gifts I was given to do theatre. And I felt so impassioned by the process

of analyzing and discovering these people and bringing them and their stories to life; and I was

determined to do it as well as I could. To aim for excellence. The happiest I ever was during my

year at Long Island University was preparing for my audition for UNCSA. I chose the scariest

pieces I could find, and I got to just work and work and fall in love with the pieces and know that

I could never fall out of love, no matter how long I spent with them. There was always

somewhere to improve. Before rediscovering that love, though, if you’d have asked me why I did

this, I would’ve said “because it’s hard.” And for a long time, that is what the work became for

me. And I would lose myself in the process of getting closer to doing it right. Not, “doing it

okay,” but doing it fucking great. Like, undeniably good work.

I think the most notable shift in the work I’ve been doing here, particularly in voice class,

is that I’m finding myself through the process instead of denying myself in order to get better.

It’s been actually fucking crazy to be able to look at my past self and know him. To understand

that is he is me and I am him. And I can finally feel love for him. And I can feel him love me.

And that part has been really fucking nice. I think I may have mentioned this last time, but I feel

much more emotionally available. I feel alive consistently and I can engage in what I feel. In

class too, I feel that the more I work with what is provided, the more I can do things without

thinking all over them. And my voice feels so much freer. I used to feel a lot of wear in my voice

and I’ve realized it’s because I’m so used to talking without an impulse to do so. I feel a lot more

connected to what I say, and I think, because of that, my voice feels the healthiest I can recall in

recent years. I have truly been working to “divorce myself from results,” which I recognize is

helping but I feel as if it is a pendulum swinging between busting my butt out of the insecurity
that I am not good enough, and not working because I am accessing the “potential and greatness

already within me”. I am very eager to find how to do work that will help me connect with

myself and allow me to do what I want to do well-er. And I have caught glimpses of it! In

Kriesha’s class, I found the idea of “daring to do it right.” Because it is scary to do something

right. It must be if I have the capacity for it but don’t already do it. So, that is the work I am

discovering because I want to have earned my greatness and success. I would be disappointed in

life if everything you ever wanted was “in you” and your life was perfect as it is. Complacency

repulses me.

This works as an incredible transition into the Feldenkrais reflection because one of the

key rules is “don’t try.” I discovered over the summer that I try a lot. I always knew that I tried,

but it hit me then that most of my effort went into trying and there was minimal “doing” and

“results”. I will admit that I did and am tempted to do “too much” in order to achieve a product I

will feel proud of, which leaves me feeling rather wiped out. I always considered this a positive

aspect, especially when justifying it as a positive attribute like “invested” or “hard-working.” I

think the point of being economical with our efforts is a very useful skill and lens which has

changed how I work and see life dramatically. It just seems weird because when my dad asked

me what I wanted my legacy to be I said, “an undeniably hard-worker.” And I think the reason I

feel like I am losing my strength and resilience for pounding out results is that I am working

causally, and it is changing the reason why I work. And while I still believe that hard work is the

key to success, I feel that I am reconstructing what a “hard-worker” means… It’s rather

disorienting, but all I know now is that it feels good on a deep level and I am trusting more as I

learn.