3 Tough Things About The First Year of Marriage

30.07.
2015 3 Tough Things About the First Year of Marriage | RELEVANT Magazine
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3 Tough Things About the First Year of Marriage

Why the first year of married life can be surprisingly difficult.
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by BRONWYN LEA
“So, how’s married life?”
It was the question everyone asked us, and one that always left me feeling a little
bereft as to what to say.
The truth is, our first year of marriage was tough. Very tough. Not because we’d
made a mistake, not because I regretted the decision, not because I wanted out.
Even though I was sure we’d chosen right and wanted in—it was still surprisingly
tough.
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30.07.2015 3 Tough Things About the First Year of Marriage | RELEVANT Magazine
I cried. A lot. Tears of frustration. Tears of pain. Tears of despair. Tears of

martyrdom, spilled out on my pillow before sleep finally came. My husband coped
with it in his own way: he withdrew into the safe, ordered world of writing
computer code. At least there, he understood the problems.
We were in love, but we were only just beginning to learn how to love one another
well. We hadn’t yet begun to learn that beyond the declarations of love and
commitment comes the daily study of discerning what your spouse likes, and
deeper than that—how your spouse thinks.
There was no particular sin or problem that made it hard. It wasn’t that we were
mismatched. It was more just that it was painful to figure out the changes. The
most honest thing we were able to say about that first year was that it was “a big
adjustment.”
THE MOST HONEST THING WE WERE ABLE TO SAY ABOUT THAT FIRST YEAR
WAS THAT IT WAS “A BIG ADJUSTMENT.”
Here are three things we found surprisingly tough to adjust to:
1. A New Schedule of Together/Alone Time

It was hard to change our expectations of how time together was spent. When we
were dating and engaged, our time together was spent “TOGETHER,” and then we
went home to our respective houses and did our alone-time things alone. But
once we were married, was time at home together time, or alone time? How did
we figure that out? I expected marriage to feel more like an extended low-fuss
date. He expected it to feel more like alone time, except with me in the house. It
was a painful adjustment for both of us.
2. The Exhaustion of Making Endless Decisions

We quickly developed decision-making fatigue in that first year. Before we were
married, we had had to decide on a few things together, and considered ourselves
pretty good at making those decisions (our wedding planning process was
surprisingly smooth).
However, once we were married, we discovered that every part of every day and
every routine in every chore now had to be decided on: we didn’t want to presume
to do it “his” way or “my” way, so that meant having to have conversation after
conversation about what “our” way was going to be. When should we eat dinner?
What should we eat for dinner? Who will do what prep and cooking for dinner?
How long after dinner is it acceptable to wait before doing the dishes? Should
washed dishes be dried and put away at once, or left to drip dry until morning?
None of these questions were particularly important, but it was much like the
fatigue of a group of friends all trying to decide on a place to go for dinner and the
conversation just goes and goes and goes because no one wants to decide for the
group. We were tired.
3. A New Set of Social Obligations

While dating, I had a large circle of (mostly single) friends, with whom I spent
about half the nights of the week. Once married, what was to happen to those
friendships? I wanted to maintain those relationships and not be the friend-who-
dropped-off-the-face-of-the-earth once she got married, but I couldn’t leave my
new spouse alone at home three nights a week, nor could I always be inviting my
girl friends to our house. They were my friends after all, and while they liked him
they didn’t exactly want to bare their souls to my new hubby.
Every day of that first year brought fresh tension as we tried to wrestle with these
challenges. And so I did what all nice-girls-in-a-bind do: I cried. In private.
But in public, when asked (again) “so, how’s married life?,” I still had no answer.
Did they really want to know? Did they want to know how marriage was? Or were
they really just asking (as so many in the Christian community do) what it was
like to have sex? Would telling the truth about it being hard that first year have
been understood? Would it have been seen as betrayal? Betrayal to my husband,
or to an idealized notion of marriage? At the time it felt like it might be both.
YOU
THAT
MIGHTFIRST YEAR WASN’T ALL TERRIBLE, BUT TO BE HONEST—IT WASN’T ALL
ALSO
GREAT.
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So one night, when an older, wiser friend asked: “So, how’s married life?” and
then followed it up immediately with, “It’s hard, isn’t it?” I just about dissolved
with relief. It was hard, and it was such a relief to say it. And you know what? It
got better. That first year wasn’t all terrible, but to be honest—it wasn’t all great.
I have friends who have had most wonderful first years of marriage. Honestly, I’m
happy for them. But I just wanted to put in writing that it was not so with us. Just
in case there’s anyone out there, whether in year one or year four or year 14, who
feels like this marriage gig is HARD and I didn’t expect this and am I doing
something wrong? and will I always feel like this? and I don’t regret this but I’m still
crying all the time ...
Just in case that’s you, I wanted to say: “So how’s married life? It’s HARD, isn’t
it?”
I know. We struggled through it, and we came through the stronger for it. You can
too.
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TOP COMMENTS
8/22/2014 7:59 PM
46 +-
Marcus commented…
Lea, l agree with you. The first year can be one of the toughest years in
many marriages.
Our first year was also tough but we worked together to make it a great
year. Thanks for sharing your story.
http://ourpeacefulfamily.com/first-year-of-marriage-advice-tips/
5/27/2014 8:20 AM
10 +-
Christan Perona commented…
There is nothing quite like marriage and parenting to reveal how broken
and full of sin we are. I was surprised at my selfishness that I didn't even
know was there before getting married. Thank goodness for the Cross.
Because marriage requires sacrifice and surrender and reclaiming an
others-centered orientation, the need to cling to our Rescuer becomes
even clearer. And that's a good thing. Thanks for the article, Bronwyn.
Good stuff.
44 COMMENTS
10/6/2014 12:28 PM
2 +-
Rolland Lisell commented…
So basically... The first year of marriage is the same thing as the first year
of a new job or the first year you're living on your own or... Well, all the
firsts that come with becoming an adult. The learning the balance of free
time and work time; the struggle to find time with your spouse or hobby
or friends; the endless decision making of what will financially ruin you,
what's going to ruin your body, what you're going to do about meeting
new people, climb the social ladder, make enough to survive, make
enough to be comfortable, make enough to be luxurious.
8/22/2014 7:59 PM
46 +-
Marcus commented…
Lea, l agree with you. The first year can be one of the toughest years in
many marriages.
Our first year was also tough but we worked together to make it a great
year. Thanks for sharing your story.
http://ourpeacefulfamily.com/first-year-of-marriage-advice-tips/
1/16/2015 2:38 AM
1 +-
Tanya Caldwell commented…
You did well! At least you negotiated through those things early. We never
really did. And eighteen years later we are trying to work through the
resentment built up over years of misunderstanding and failed
expectations. We are getting there - but it's hard work now. You managed
it in a much healthier way.
1/19/2015 5:14 PM
-10 +-
#BestSongsOf2014 commented…
This content has been hidden due to having received too many
downvotes from the community.
SHOW COMMENT
4/28/2015 11:41 PM
2 +-
April Dicks commented…
Thank-you for this. It provided me with some encouragement.... I always

heard that the first year can be hard, but I never imagined it like this. It's
not only my first year of marriage, but this has been my last year of
college.... and I struggle with anxiety. It's felt like a disaster, and it's really
beaten down my spirits. I wonder if things will ever get better, if we're
really as compatible as we thought, if we'll ever feel like we belong here
or anywhere... It's just a little (or a lot) hopeless sometimes.
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30.07.

Photo via Shutterstock

“So, how’s married life?”

I cried. A lot. Tears of frustration. Tears of pain. Tears of despair. Tears of

Here are three things we found surprisingly tough to adjust to:

1. A New Schedule of Together/Alone Time

2. The Exhaustion of Making Endless Decisions

3. A New Set of Social Obligations

RECOMMENDED FOR YOU VIEW MORE IN LIFE

> Christians Shouldn’t Be Culture’s Morality Police

> 8-year-old Boy Gets World’s First Double Hand Transplant

Thank-you for this. It provided me with some encouragement.... I always

Please log in or register to comment

VIEW THE ISSUE

' MOST POPULAR EDITOR'S PICKS

11 Keith Green Songs That Changed Worship Music

3 Ways to Answer Your Christian-Critical Friends

The 8 Most Annoying Habits of Modern Dating

WATCH & LISTEN

PODCAST THE DROP RTV

Episode 452: Tim Chaddick

VIEW MORE EPISODES >

RELEVANT THIS WEEK

INSIDE THE MAGAZINE

The Rebirth of Joy Williams

The 8 Most Annoying Habits of Modern Dating

The Traits of Innovative Leaders

] See more in this issue

VIEW MORE ISSUES >

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