Trying to Talk With a Man

“Communication Failure”
Desirae Howard

Word Count: 1,069

 1

It’s been said that love can fade over time if it’s not properly taken care of—as if to say love is

like a plant or an animal; if you forget to feed and shower it with attention it will wither or withdraw

until there is nothing but a shell left. In most cases, this sort of falling out can be caused by a complete

lack of awareness of the relationship as a whole. In a true disaster, such as a tornado, communication

can be the difference between life and death. The best way to avoid such a troubling time in a

relationship would be to address the issue directly. “Trying to Talk With a Man,” by Adrienne Rich,

details what it is like to have a connection that is falling apart. In this particular relationship the man is

oblivious to the obvious crisis state of their relationship, thus leaving the woman to watch as they

deteriorate and are left with barren interactions. The woman’s reluctance to inform her lover of the

mess that is their relationship while the husband simply ignores it or is at a loss as to how to correct

the failure; with this lack of communication and dysfunction they are both witnesses to their love

crumbling and ceasing to exist entirely. The theme of this poem is the difficulty of losing love—running

out of love.

Beginning with the lines “out in the desert we are testing bombs”, is more than just the setting

of the poem, it sets the tone. They have come to the desert following the man’s job which can be

inferred to have something to do with bombs. The tone is very subdued and sad, when she describes

an underground river “forcing its way between deformed cliffs.” This is a very literal image of what is

happening in their relationship; something is forcefully pushing them apart and she is helpless to stop

it. She goes on to explain how they lost all the comforts of city living for the man’s job, even more than

literal possessions though, this metaphorical river has left them emotionally wiped and in danger of

being washed away forever. The woman is feeling extremely alone no matter where they are or what

happens in their relationship.

 2

The next few stanza’s go into the blandness that is being experienced by both in the new

environment as well as in their relationships. She states that by “coming out to this desert/ we meant

to change the face of/ driving among the dull green succulents/ walking at noon in the ghost town/

surrounded by silence,” expressing that their scenery has been completely changed. The ghost town is

literally speaking of the loneliness; the green succulents could represent their memories that are now

fading in the midst of their crisis. She was hoping that by coming to the desert they would be able to

fill the emptiness in their relationship, however “the silence of the place except that it came with us,”

meaning that even though they’ve moved there is still a lingering lack of communication between

them. It seems that no matter how far they travel there is nothing that can save their relationship.

From this stanza there is a sense of growing unease beginning to form in the poem.

In the rest of the poem a sense of desperation is felt and she expresses this, “out here I feel

more helpless with you than without you.” Now that there is nothing around her to provide comfort

from their decaying relationship, she is forced to face the tattered pieces.

She is hurt by how he is able to speak of danger and can “list the equipment” that would be

used in the event of these disasters—“But you look at me like an emergency”, and he wishes to avoid

her due to the urgency he sees in her. Giving the impression that he does, in fact, sense there is a

problem, but doesn’t really understand why there is trouble or how to fix it.

In the second to last stanza there is a sudden sense of alarm in the tone when she looks into his

eyes, “your eyes are stars of a different magnitude/ they reflect lights that spell out: EXIT”. She realizes

that he wants to be free of her, because of the issues he cannot resolve between them. It comes to her

attention, because he no longer looks at her with love, but as just another thing in his life.
 3

The last stanza says, “talking of danger/ as if it were not ourselves/ as if we were testing

anything else” this shows that even through all this change of scenery and desperation, he still cannot

acknowledge that their relationship is falling to pieces and becoming in danger of being as barren as

the land that the bomb landed on.

This entire poem is an allegory representing all relationships that begin to experience

turbulence. Overall this poem was very sad in the way that it pointed out that relationships can fall

apart so messily, leaving both parties flailing about in their own way. Both parties mentioned there,

because this poem is told from the woman’s point of view, but it can be assumed that there is more to

what was going on overall in their relationship. The man in this relationship, though seemingly

oblivious, may have just been unsure of how to fix what was going wrong in this relationship, because,

unlike with his work, there were no scientific protocols to follow. However, again, had the man

mentioned that he was aware of the problem, perhaps they could have worked things out.

In times of trouble, in any form of companionship, there must be communication in order to be

able to solve the problems that are presenting themselves. However, when those involved are not on

the same page and refuse to voice what is going on in the relationship, the bond will being to weaken

until it falls, leaving all involved feeling very ostracized. In this poem the woman is being forced to deal

with the loss of their love without any help from her significant other, because he does not appear to

recognize that there is a problem to begin with. It’s impossible to save a relationship from destruction

when neither side is addressing the issue whether through lack of knowing or lack of desire to do so.