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If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises

From A Christian Pastor/Parent
 Home
 News & Events
 The PFLAG National Blog

This beautiful letter (of sorts) has been reprinted with permission of the author, John
Pavlovitz, who originally shared it on his own blog, johnpavlovitz.com.

Thank you, John...

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children.

I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.

Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my
genes and in my tribe.
Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay
Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, trying to be part of the Church.
Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find
homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly
clear at every conceivable opportunity.

For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a
parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…
1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.

My children won’t be our family’s best kept secret.

I won’t talk around them in conversations with others. I won’t speak in code or vague
language. I won’t try to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes, and I won’t try to spare the
feelings of those who may be older, or easily offended, or uncomfortable. Childhood is
difficult enough, and most gay kids spend their entire existence being horribly,
excruciatingly uncomfortable. I’m not going to put mine through any more
unnecessary discomfort, just to make Thanksgiving dinner a little easier for a third cousin
with misplaced anger issues.

If my children come out, we’ll be out as a family.

2) If I have gay children, I’ll pray for them.

I won’t pray for them to be made “normal”. I’ve lived long enough to know that if my
children are gay, that is their normal.

I won’t pray that God will heal or change or fix them. I will pray for God to protect them;
from the ignorance and hatred and violence that the world will throw at them, simply
because of who they are. I’ll pray the He shields them from those who will despise them
and wish them harm; who will curse them to Hell and put them through Hell, without ever
knowing them at all. I’ll pray that they enjoy life; that they laugh, and dream, and feel, and
forgive, and that they love God and humanity.

Above all, I’ll pray to God that my children won’t allow the unGodly treatment they might
receive from some of His misguided children, to keep them from pursuing Him.

3) If I have gay children, I’ll love them.

I don’t mean some token, distant, tolerant love that stays at a safe arm’s length. It will
be an extravagant, open-hearted, unapologetic, lavish, embarrassing-them-in-the-school
cafeteria, kind of love.

I won’t love them despite their sexuality, and I won’t love them because of it. I will love
them; simply because they’re sweet, and funny, and caring, and smart, and kind, and
stubborn, and flawed, and original, and beautiful… and mine.
If my kids are gay, they may doubt a million things about themselves and about
this world, but they’ll never doubt for a second whether or not their Daddy is over-the-
moon crazy about them.

4) If I have gay children, most likely; I have gay children.

If my kids are going to be gay, well they pretty much already are.

God has already created them and wired them, and placed the seed of who they are
within them. Psalm 139 says that He, “stitched them together in their mother’s womb”.
The incredibly intricate stuff that makes them uniquely them; once-in-History souls, has
already been uploaded into their very cells.

Because of that, there isn’t a coming deadline on their sexuality that their mother and I
are working feverishly toward. I don’t believe there’s some magical expiration date
approaching, by which time she and I need to somehow do, or say, or pray just the right
things to get them to “turn straight”, or forever lose them to the other side.

They are today, simply a younger version of who they will be; and today they’re pretty
darn great.

Many of you may be offended by all of this, I fully realize. I know this may be
especially true if you are a religious person; one who finds the whole topic
disgusting.

As you’ve been reading, you may have been rolling your eyes, or clicking the roof of your
mouth, or drafting familiar Scriptures to send me, or praying for me to repent, or
preparing to Unfriend me, or writing me off as a sinful, evil, Hell-bound heretic… but with
as much gentleness and understanding as I can muster; I really couldn’t care less.

This isn’t about you. This is a whole lot bigger than you.

You’re not the one I waited on breathlessly for nine months.

You’re not the one I wept with joy for when you were born.
You’re not the one I bathed, and fed, and rocked to sleep through a hundred intimate,
midnight snuggle sessions.

You’re not the one I taught to ride a bike, and whose scraped knee I kissed, and whose
tiny, trembling hand I held, while getting stitches.
You’re not the one whose head I love to smell, and whose face lights-up when I come
home at night, and whose laughter is like music to my weary soul.
You’re not the one who gives my days meaning and purpose, and who I adore more than
I ever thought I could adore anything.

And you’re not the one who I’ll hopefully be with, when I take my last precious breaths on
this planet; gratefully looking back on a lifetime of shared treasures, and resting in the
knowledge that I loved you well.

If you’re a parent, I don’t know how you’ll respond if you find out your children are
gay, but I pray you consider it.

One day, despite your perceptions of your kids or how you’ve parented, you may need to
respond in real-time, to a frightened, frantic, hurting child; one whose sense of peace,
and identity, and acceptance; whose very heart, may be placed in your hands in a way
you never imagined… and you’ll need to respond.

If that day should ever come for me; if my children should ever come out to me,
this is the Dad I hope I’ll be to them.

* Note: The word “gay” in this post, refers to anyone who identifies themselves as
LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Questioning) . Though I certainly
realize and respect the distinctions and differences, it was simply the word
that would quickly and easily communicate within the context of the piece. It was the
clearest and best way to address non-hetereosexual individuals in the post, by using a
common tern that would resonate with the average reader. Hopefully my heart for the
LGBTQ community is still clear in the writing.

By
Carly originally shared this letter on her blog, and we're honored to share it here as
well. Thanks, Carly!

I will start by saying that this Journey has not been an easy one, but one of the great
privileges of my life is to be allowed to be a part of Logan’s journey.

There are many stages to finding out that your child is gay, many feelings, a vast
era of emotions and A LOT of fear.

I will start by saying that when my son first came out to me I remember wanting to
keep it a secret. I didn’t want anyone to know, I didn’t know why but I was so worried
about what people would think and say. Me, Carly, loud mouth don’t give a shit what
people think ever, I shuddered at the thought, the judgment . I also had this fear that
my son’s life would now be the most difficult journey he would ever have to face.

A short time after my son came out to myself and his dad I was at a gathering and
someone made a comment about "thanking god their sons were not faggots". That was
the first time I had been exposed to pure hate against my son, it was a direct hit. That
terrified me and angered me, the simple fact that there were people out there,
organizations, politicians, strangers and even my own friends that would think and
even devote a minute to denying my sons happiness, to hating my son, it was so hard
to wrap my head around.

I then realized that my fear of not wanting anyone to know was not about Logan or
even him being gay, it was the fear that people wouldn't be able to look past the
“GAY’. My son Logan is amazing, he is brilliant,witty,charming, sensitive, funny and
so sharp. He has always been an old soul, wise beyond his years. The thought of
people not really getting to know him or dismissing him because he is gay both
infuriates me and scares me.

Some advice to people who have judged or hated against a gay or lesbian child is this,
first off, if you are a parent you may not know what your child is struggling with. If
your child is struggling with his or her sexuality they will not be able to come to you
for help if you are rattling off hatred toward gays. These children end up hanging
themselves cause coming out to a parent who hates who they are is unbearable. If
your child is not gay and sits around listening to you preaching hate toward gays, they
will take that view and practice that hate toward other children who don’t deserve it.

I want all the haters out there to remember that my child did not wake up one morning
and “decide” to be gay. This is not his “choice”, my son was born this way. Honestly
do you really think that any of these kids want to choose to be something that is so
severely judged and preyed upon with hate and anger by so many. If anything you
should look up to and admire my son for having the courage to be honest with not
only me but himself and ask for help and support. More then likely it has been a
lonely journey that my son had to go through before he got the courage to come out to
myself and his father. There are dozens of kids living in fear that by saying who they
truly are out loud, it can potentially get them put out of their house, loose a best friend
or make their school life unbearable. Take a minute and think of your own child not
being able to be who they truly are for years, and what toll that would take on them.

To my son I want to first apologize for my awkward blank stare I gave you when you
first came out to me. In my head were a million and one thoughts and fears going
through my mind. “I’m GAY” ran through my head a million and one times. Also a
flash of that Hillary Swank movie where she plays a lesbian, and she gets severely
beat up. Then the movie about the family that comes home for Thanksgiving dinner
flashed through my head, there is a gay brother and his boyfriend, and how normal
and happy they all were. Diane Keaton (the movie mom) was so OK and cool with it,
I sooooo wanted to be her at that moment.

I want you to know I love you, I fell in the love with you the moment I laid my eyes
on you. I have and always will love you, since being gay is part of you, I love that you
are gay. Wrapping my head around the fact was a little hard at first but when I saw
how your friends, co-workers and family surrounded you with love and support it
chipped away at a lot of my fears for you, and I realized that was why I was so scared.
When you sat me down and told me you will have a wedding, adopt a baby and give
me all the things that I would have had if you had a girlfriend I felt a huge weight lift
and knew you would be happy and fulfilled, that was a huge fear for me.
Our family, Myself Dad and Kay that is your safety net. The world is a difficult place,
even though being gay has came a long way and it is a lot different and much more
accepted it is still going to be a hard road to travel. You are going to go through a lot
and be exposed to hate and anger unfortunately as much as I want to be there to
protect you from it all, I will not always be able to, this thought breaks my heart. I
will however, be your team captain, I will fight for you, I will support you, I will
combat the hatred one ignorant person at a time, that I can promise from the bottom of
my heart.

When it comes to a boyfriend, all that ever matters to me and your dad is that you are
happy. He has to treat you right and loves you, respects you and care for you so that
you can grow and become the great man that we always knew you would be. Dad and
I have always been so proud of all that you do, you are exactly the man I wanted and
dreamed you would be.

I hope that by reading this that everyone takes a little something from it weather it be
not to judge, to watch what you say and stop the hatred. I hope that maybe just maybe
this will help people see that my son is my amazing hero. For the years of hurt and
anguish he went through before he could come out and be honest with himself and
others around him I only wish that no other child would have to go through such a
thing, the thought is unimaginable.

If we as a community, as a society could take a minute and realize what are views are
doing to our children my son and other gay and lesbian children would not have to
suffer another moment. Please watch how you pass on your views to your children, if
you hate they will hate. These kids are so much more then who they choose to love!

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Proud Mom

The reading list below is an excellent starting point in your coming-out journey ahead,
since many of the titles listed cover the process both for those who are navigating a
new lifetime of being out and proud, and their significant others, friends, families, and
allies as well. You can donate to PFLAG National by signing into Amazon Smile—
smile.amazon.com—prior to purchasing any of these titles.

Coming Out, Coming Home: Helping Families Adjust to a Gay or Lesbian Child
by Michael LaSala. Through a qualitative, multicultural study of sixty-five gay and
lesbian children and their parents, Michael LaSala, a leading expert on coming out,
outlines effective, practice-tested interventions for families in transition. His research
reveals surprising outcomes, such as learning that a child is homosexual can improve
familial relationships, including father-child relationships, even if a parent reacts
strongly or negatively to the revelation.

For Colored Boys Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Not
Enough by Keith Boykin. This book addresses longstanding issues of sexual abuse,
suicide, HIV/AIDS, racism, and homophobia in the African American and Latino
communities, and more specifically among young gay men of color. The book tells
stories of real people coming of age, coming out, dealing with religion and
spirituality, seeking love and relationships, finding their own identity in or out of the
LGBT community, and creating their own sense of political empowerment. For
Colored Boys is designed to educate and inspire those seeking to overcome their own
obstacles in their own lives.

The Gender Creative Child by Diane Ehrensaft. In this up-to-date, comprehensive

resource, Dr. Ehrensaft explains the interconnected effects of biology, nurture, and
culture to explore why gender can be fluid, rather than binary. As an advocate for the
gender affirmative model and with the expertise she has gained over three decades of
pioneering work with children and families, she encourages caregivers to listen to
each child, learn their particular needs, and support their quest for a true gender self.

Love, Ellen: A Mother/Daughter Journey by Betty DeGeneres. When Ellen

DeGeneres came out -- first to Oprah Winfrey, and then on her television show -- in
1997, it was a watershed moment for America no less than it was for the LGBTQ
community. However, Ellen had come out to her mother Betty years before, in 1990.
Just as her public coming out was initially rocky, coming out to her conservative
mother was complicated. The two worked through it with learning, talking, and no
small amount of grace and humor. That story is told here by Betty DeGeneres with a
gentle directness and sense of humor that shows the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Queer Brown Voices: Personal Narratives of Latino/a Activism edited by Uriel

Quesada, Letitia Gomez, and Salvador Vidal-Ortiz. Queer Brown Voices documents
the efforts of LGBT Latina/o activists. Comprising essays and oral history interviews
that present the experiences of fourteen activists across the United States and in
Puerto Rico, the book offers a new perspective on the history of LGBT mobilization
and activism. The activists discuss subjects that shed light not only on the
organizations they helped to create and operate, but also on their broad-ranging
experiences of being racialized and discriminated against, fighting for access to health
care during the HIV/AIDS epidemic, and struggling for awareness.

Straight Parents, Gay Children: Keeping Families Together by Robert

Bernstein. Written in 1996 and updated in 2003, this is Bernstein's account of coming
to terms with his daughter's homosexuality and how the experience has enriched his
life. The book acts as a guide for parents as they help their LGBT children prepare for
others' reactions to their sexuality. It has earned plaudits from the likes of Betty
DeGeneres, Charles Harmon, and the Washington Blade, as well as a generation of
parents and families.

This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question and Answer Guide to
Everyday Life by Danielle Owens-Reid and Kristin Russo. Written in an accessible
Q&A format, here, finally, is the go-to resource for parents hoping to understand and
communicate with their gay child. Through their LGBTQ-oriented site, the authors
are uniquely experienced to answer parents' many questions and share insight and
guidance on both emotional and practical topics. Filled with real-life experiences from
gay kids and parents, this is the book gay kids want their parents to read.

Transgender Children and Youth: Cultivating Pride and Joy with Families in
Transition by Elijah Neely. Elijah C. Nealy, a therapist and former deputy executive
director of New York City’s LGBT Community Center, and himself a trans man, has
written the first-ever comprehensive guide to understanding, supporting, and
welcoming trans kids. Covering everything from family life to school and mental
health issues, as well as the physical, social, and emotional aspects of transition, this
book is full of best practices to support trans kids.

When I Knew by Robert Trachtenberg. Trachtenberg is an acclaimed photographer

and documentarian. He's primarily in documentarian mode here, with the real draw
being the stories he elicits from his subjects and contributors. Dozens of people open
up about when they -- or their families, or their friends -- first "knew." This isn't a
how-to. Think of it instead as a generous and open-hearted "remember when" that
acknowledges what many of us feel like we've always known, and celebrates all that
comes after.

If you or your loved ones are looking for online reasources please consider
storytelling sites such as I'm from Driftwood, When I Came Out, and Everyone is
Gay which include personal narratives, peer-to-peer advice, and much more! You
may also find helpful insight on social media - many individuals and families share
their stories on Tumblr, Facebook, YouTube in the hope of providing support to
others who are just beginning their coming-out journey.

Para leer este artículo en español , por favor visite https://www.pflag.org/blog/una-

nota-mi-hijo-lo-que-padres-de-hijos-heteros-nunca-pueden-comprender-de-orlando

This article originally appeared on YourTango.

Think you know what it's like to be the parent of an LGBTQ kid? Think again.

I finally cried this morning. My friend Cathy reached out to ask how my husband,
Bob, and I were doing after the horrific Orlando shooting. None of my other friends
called.

I know they care. They just don’t understand what it’s like to be the parent of a gay
child ... and we have two gay kids.

Saturday we marched in the DC Pride Parade — proud parents of 2 gay kids.

Marching withPFLAG has become a ritual for us. We march to send a message
of love, to our son and daughter. To parents who love their kids but might be too shy
to shout it out. To parents still struggling to accept their children and especially to the
LGBTQ community of young people.

We want them to know they are loved, even if their parents or religion reject them.

We awoke Sunday to the tragic and devastating news that there had been 49 children
killed and 53 injured during a terror attack in an Orlando gay nightclub.

We were horrified thinking about what the kids experienced inside the club, and
traumatized by hearing the parents on the news, uncertain about the fate of their
children.
What affected me most was the mom who received texts from her son, Eddie
Jamoldroy Justice, trapped inside the club.

He then went silent. He was among the 49 who didn't make it.

I can hardly stand to read this again.

That could be my son. That IS my son. That’s what parents of straight kids don’t get.

Here’s what I want parents of straight kids (and others) to understand: Our gay kids
are innocent. They were born this way. They did nothing to deserve being disliked,
hated or bullied — yet so often they are. No matter how high their self-esteem, they
often feel hurt.

As parents, it KILLS us that we can’t protect them from the world.

Our own kids first came out before the Supreme Court upheld Marriage Equality.
Like lightening, it hit me that they wouldn’t be able to get married. I felt outraged.

What do you mean I can’t dance at my children’s wedding? Being gay doesn’t mean
you don’t fall in love and want to marry.

The message our kids heard from those against Marriage Equality:

You are different from your peers because of who you are. You are not good enough.
You are a second-class citizen. You are unlikable. Photographers and bakers are
sickened by the fact that you are who you are. You’re disgusting, a demon trying to
ruin our traditional society and destroy families.

We fought hard for two years alongside Equality Maryland to attain the right for our
kids to marry. We and our kids even testified before the Maryland legislature.

Many people who testified against the bill actually described gay people as
“pedophiles, child abusers, lower than animals, and sexual predators.”

I was outraged. Those are my children you are talking about! And they are sitting
right here. I still shake with rage when I think about it.

Last time I looked, the predators were a GOP House Speaker, a Penn State Football
Coach and some Catholic priests.

Our son, more than our daughter, has been ridiculed, called derogatory names, had a
friend who was severely beaten ... for just being gay. The threat of violence, for just
being who he is, is often on his mind.

Our kids can’t show any expression of love or affection to a partner in public, without
fear of being ridiculed or worse yet violently attacked.
My kids can’t walk down the street with a partner holding hands on a date. Or give a
hug or a kiss. Their public display of affection might make someone uncomfortable.
They have to hide their affection. I’m furious!

Our son explained to us that one of the few safe spaces for their community is a gay
club. It’s a place where they can fully be themselves. They can dance, they can touch,
they can express affection without any judgment, without any fear, without feeling
something is wrong with them.

Now even THAT has been violated.

Every time they meet someone new, our kids fear being judged. When a new co-
worker, boss or doctor asks if they’re dating anyone, they have to lie or come out all
over again. The fear of judgment and rejection is chronic.

Our children can be fired from a job or denied housing because they are gay. Sexual
orientation and gender identity has not been added as a protected class, as are race,
religion, color, sex, and national origin.

We can’t protect them from this. And my government won’t. What country do I live
in?!

When we march at Pride, you can’t imagine how many young people approach us and
say, “Thank you for loving your kids.” I don’t even know how to respond to this.

Thank you for loving your kids? I tell them they are our kids, and we love them!

When others talk about gay people, they are talking about our children.

It’s been quite a journey, one I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. Our two
gay kids have brought more depth, meaning, love, understanding, compassion,
warmth, joy and richness to our lives than I ever could have imagined.

Here's what you can do:

 Share this article with everyone you know. Post it on Facebook and social
media.
 Contact PFLAG or Straight for Equality and ask how to help.
 Learn more about the LGBTQ community.
 Speak up when you hear offensive jokes, language or comments.
 March with us and PFLAG in a Pride Parade as an ally.
 Contact your Local and State representatives to:
o Support legislation that adds sexual orientation and gender identity as a
protected class.
o Speak up against legislation that discriminates against the LGBTQ
community.

Thank you for your support.

Carly originally shared this letter on her blog, and we're honored to share it here as
well. Thanks, Carly!

I will start by saying that this Journey has not been an easy one, but one of the great
privileges of my life is to be allowed to be a part of Logan’s journey.

There are many stages to finding out that your child is gay, many feelings, a vast
era of emotions and A LOT of fear.

I will start by saying that when my son first came out to me I remember wanting to
keep it a secret. I didn’t want anyone to know, I didn’t know why but I was so worried
about what people would think and say. Me, Carly, loud mouth don’t give a shit what
people think ever, I shuddered at the thought, the judgment . I also had this fear that
my son’s life would now be the most difficult journey he would ever have to face.

A short time after my son came out to myself and his dad I was at a gathering and
someone made a comment about "thanking god their sons were not faggots". That was
the first time I had been exposed to pure hate against my son, it was a direct hit. That
terrified me and angered me, the simple fact that there were people out there,
organizations, politicians, strangers and even my own friends that would think and
even devote a minute to denying my sons happiness, to hating my son, it was so hard
to wrap my head around.

I then realized that my fear of not wanting anyone to know was not about Logan or
even him being gay, it was the fear that people wouldn't be able to look past the
“GAY’. My son Logan is amazing, he is brilliant,witty,charming, sensitive, funny and
so sharp. He has always been an old soul, wise beyond his years. The thought of
people not really getting to know him or dismissing him because he is gay both
infuriates me and scares me.

Some advice to people who have judged or hated against a gay or lesbian child is this,
first off, if you are a parent you may not know what your child is struggling with. If
your child is struggling with his or her sexuality they will not be able to come to you
for help if you are rattling off hatred toward gays. These children end up hanging
themselves cause coming out to a parent who hates who they are is unbearable. If
your child is not gay and sits around listening to you preaching hate toward gays, they
will take that view and practice that hate toward other children who don’t deserve it.

I want all the haters out there to remember that my child did not wake up one morning
and “decide” to be gay. This is not his “choice”, my son was born this way. Honestly
do you really think that any of these kids want to choose to be something that is so
severely judged and preyed upon with hate and anger by so many. If anything you
should look up to and admire my son for having the courage to be honest with not
only me but himself and ask for help and support. More then likely it has been a
lonely journey that my son had to go through before he got the courage to come out to
myself and his father. There are dozens of kids living in fear that by saying who they
truly are out loud, it can potentially get them put out of their house, loose a best friend
or make their school life unbearable. Take a minute and think of your own child not
being able to be who they truly are for years, and what toll that would take on them.
To my son I want to first apologize for my awkward blank stare I gave you when you
first came out to me. In my head were a million and one thoughts and fears going
through my mind. “I’m GAY” ran through my head a million and one times. Also a
flash of that Hillary Swank movie where she plays a lesbian, and she gets severely
beat up. Then the movie about the family that comes home for Thanksgiving dinner
flashed through my head, there is a gay brother and his boyfriend, and how normal
and happy they all were. Diane Keaton (the movie mom) was so OK and cool with it,
I sooooo wanted to be her at that moment.

I want you to know I love you, I fell in the love with you the moment I laid my eyes
on you. I have and always will love you, since being gay is part of you, I love that you
are gay. Wrapping my head around the fact was a little hard at first but when I saw
how your friends, co-workers and family surrounded you with love and support it
chipped away at a lot of my fears for you, and I realized that was why I was so scared.
When you sat me down and told me you will have a wedding, adopt a baby and give
me all the things that I would have had if you had a girlfriend I felt a huge weight lift
and knew you would be happy and fulfilled, that was a huge fear for me.

Our family, Myself Dad and Kay that is your safety net. The world is a difficult place,
even though being gay has came a long way and it is a lot different and much more
accepted it is still going to be a hard road to travel. You are going to go through a lot
and be exposed to hate and anger unfortunately as much as I want to be there to
protect you from it all, I will not always be able to, this thought breaks my heart. I
will however, be your team captain, I will fight for you, I will support you, I will
combat the hatred one ignorant person at a time, that I can promise from the bottom of
my heart.

When it comes to a boyfriend, all that ever matters to me and your dad is that you are
happy. He has to treat you right and loves you, respects you and care for you so that
you can grow and become the great man that we always knew you would be. Dad and
I have always been so proud of all that you do, you are exactly the man I wanted and
dreamed you would be.

I hope that by reading this that everyone takes a little something from it weather it be
not to judge, to watch what you say and stop the hatred. I hope that maybe just maybe
this will help people see that my son is my amazing hero. For the years of hurt and
anguish he went through before he could come out and be honest with himself and
others around him I only wish that no other child would have to go through such a
thing, the thought is unimaginable.

If we as a community, as a society could take a minute and realize what are views are
doing to our children my son and other gay and lesbian children would not have to
suffer another moment. Please watch how you pass on your views to your children, if
you hate they will hate. These kids are so much more then who they choose to love!

Thank you for letting me share my story.

Proud Mom
Responding to Teen Child Who Says
He’s Gay
What can we say to our teenage son who just told us that he’s gay? I’m devastated.
One minute I’m so angry I could scream — and the next I just sit and cry. We love
our son, but we don’t want this influence in our home (we have younger kids in the
house).
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Before we say anything else, know that our hearts go out to you in this season of pain
and confusion. The emotions you’re experiencing are understandable reactions of a
concerned and loving parent. You’re wise to ask for input about how to handle things.

Respond calmly and respectfully

So, how should you respond to what your son told you? Respectfully and in as cool-
headed and non-reactive a way possible.

Don’t panic, though, if you and your son have already had a blow-up with each other.
Ask for forgiveness and the chance to start over. Agree with him that you’ll both do
your best to stay away from hurtful attitudes and actions going forward.

As with all interpersonal interactions, you can only control your choices and behavior,
not the other individual’s. Do your part to interact well and reflect Christ’s character,
and let that be what guides your approach.

Care for your own heart

Before moving ahead, surround yourself with support — a pastor, a licensed
counselor, a mentor, or a small group of understanding friends. Also, make sure you
and your spouse are on the same page. (Call us if you’d like help to find a trained
marriage therapist.)

The reality is that you’re shaken by your son’s revelation. You might even feel that
you need to question or re-examine your own beliefs about homosexuality. That’s
OK! Reviewing your convictions is a smart step as you think about what the Lord is
asking of you.

Don’t be afraid to dig into research in the light of God’s truth and with the help of
caring Christian friends. Turn to well-informed sources who follow the full counsel of
Scripture (the character of God and the larger picture of the whole Bible). The titles
listed below are a great starting point.
Honest questioning can confirm and solidify your beliefs. It can also correct any
attitudes, language, or assumptions that might miss the mark of Christian love – or
that simply aren’t yet informed on this complex topic. We all have room to learn and
grow.

Affirm your son

At the earliest stage, it might be good to let your son know about the wide range of
emotions you’re feeling. You might say,

This is obviously something you’ve been thinking about for a while. But we’ve just
heard about it for the first time. And to be honest, it’s thrown us into a tailspin. Can
we take some time to consider what you’ve told us before talking more?

When you feel ready, ask your son if he’d be willing to sit down and talk with you
and your spouse about the way he sees himself and this news. If he agrees, keep your
focus on two overarching goals:

 Maintain your relationship with your son.

 Maintain a godly influence in his life.

Above all, affirm your son. Make every effort to connect with him at the heart level.
In the process, stay unified as a couple as you address the situation; it’s important to
demonstrate that the two of you are on the same page.

As the conversation moves forward, use first-person words – I and we – instead of

you-based language, which can easily be heard as controlling, directive, blaming,
shaming, scolding, or self-righteous. You could say,

We’re glad you’ve shared this with us. We want to know what you’re going through,
and we’ll be there for you no matter what.

Assure him of your love – your continuing, unconditional love. Author Jeff Johnston
says, “One of the deepest questions in the human heart is this: If you know the worst
about me, will you still love me? Affirm your child in your unconditional love for
him. Let him know you care — whatever he struggles with. There is deep healing in
receiving love and affirmation from you.”

At the same time, remind your son that loving unconditionally doesn’t mean
loving without concern — or that you’ll always agree with him. God loves us
unconditionally, but He also cares deeply about what we do, what we say, and
how we view ourselves.

Figure out what your son means

Listen to your son’s attitude as he talks about his thoughts on his sexual attractions.

 Does he seem hesitant or confused?

 Is he struggling, sorrowful, or ashamed?
  Or has he confronted you with an uncompromising or even defiant declaration
of willful self-intent?

If he’s confused, you’ll want to be especially sensitive and gentle. If he’s struggling
and ashamed, he might need a firmer, though still compassionate, response. Either
way, remember your goals of maintaining the relationship and maintaining godly
influence. Affirm, connect, and assure him of your love over and over again.

Approach your discussion as a time of discovery — to learn about your son’s

thinking and experience. Urge him to do the same. Start by saying,

Because you matter so much to us, we want to understand as much as we can about
what you’re experiencing. Is it OK if we ask a few questions?

Once you get the go-ahead, ask open-ended questions like:

 What led you to believe that you might be gay?

 Have you ever experienced feelings of attraction to the opposite sex?
 When did you first become aware of your attraction to others of the same sex?
 What was your initial reaction to those feelings?
 How constant are these attractions?
 Have you talked to anyone about them?

The discovery phase could last for an extended time – weeks, maybe even months. Be
gracious with yourselves. Don’t create pressure to have immediate resolutions. It’s
unrealistic, and it could push your son away and compromise your overarching goals.

It might also be a good idea to ask him if he’d be willing to sit down with you and
an objective third party — preferably a trained Christian counselor. Make sure
that the counselor follows a biblical sexual ethic and is compassionate, understanding,
and experienced in addressing issues surrounding same-sex attractions.

Your son needs a safe place with safe people — people who won’t shame him for
questioning his sexuality. Feelings of shame will only increase defensiveness or add
to feelings of self-loathing or depression that sometimes come with this struggle.

Help him talk it out, not act it out

The next time you sit down together, begin by reminding your son of the truth you’ve
already established: Loving unconditionally does not mean loving without concern.

With that as the foundation, let him know that you’d like to make a request. Say
something like:

We know we can’t control you. We just want to tell you how we’ve learned from
experience that it’s always a good idea to go slow when making big life decisions –
like selecting a college major, or choosing who to marry.
That’s especially true when it comes to your sexuality and personal identity. So we
want to recommend that you hit pause before putting a label on the feelings you’ve
been experiencing.

There’s no need to jump to conclusions by calling yourself “gay,” “bi,” “trans,” or

anything else. You owe it to yourself to shut out all the cultural and political noise on
this subject and take a close and careful look at your options. After all, many people
have felt same-sex attraction without adopting the “gay” label.

Invite your son to talk it out rather than act it out. Encourage him to openly
express the feelings, wants, hopes, and fears he’s going through without assigning
them to any specific category such as “gay” or “straight.”

Caution him against sexual experimentation as a way to determine his

orientation. Point out that experimentation, like labeling, tends to become a self-
fulfilling prophecy (when something comes true just because someone believes it and
their behavior lines up with those beliefs).

Although your son might feel like he can’t honor your suggestions — or chooses not
to — your goal isn’t to change him or force him to agree with you. Offer your heart
and what you believe to be wise. You’ll plant seeds for future thought and establish
the groundwork for clear, reasonable, and loving communication.

Does your son know Christ?

A final important consideration is your son’s personal belief system. Does he call
himself a Christian? Is Jesus his Savior and Lord?

If so, urge him to give his faith convictions priority over everything else. You can
explain that you believe biblical values carry much greater weight than feelings of
attraction.

That’s because attraction, behavior, and identity are three separate areas; one doesn’t
have to determine the others. Behavior and identity — unlike attraction — are matters
of conscious, willful choice.

As with any sinful behavior, it’s not about being tempted — it’s about willfully
engaging in activity that goes against God’s law. So it’s possible to be a Christian
and, at the same time, wrestle with same-sex attraction. But we can’t be faithful,
obedient Christians while willingly involving ourselves in any sexual practices
that the Bible says are sinful.

Stress the point that, as God’s beloved and as a son loved under your care, he’s
expected to conduct himself according to the standards of Christian sexual morality
— no matter what temptation or identity questions he might be going through.

You can end your conversation by saying,

We want you to know that we will be reading and learning about this topic because
we care about you. If you’re willing, maybe we could read and learn together.

Talk to extended family and younger siblings

In the meantime, depending on the circumstances, it might be a good idea to speak
with other members of the family.

However, you shouldn’t necessarily share widely until you and your spouse have
a solid plan for relating to your son. No need to add stress to an already fragile
situation, particularly if your son hasn’t directly told others himself.

If he is going public, though, you and your spouse should be the first ones to talk
with your younger children. That can reduce the chance of other people sharing
information in potentially destructive ways.

 Use age-appropriate language to explain that their older brother is going

through a difficult time.

 Give details about the issue being sexual in nature only on a need-to-know
basis.

 Acknowledge and empathize with your children’s emotional reactions to the

situation. Each one may need help sorting out his or her feelings.

 Make it clear that even though you’re committed to biblical standards of

morality, you’ll never stop loving your son.

 Ask the other kids to join you in treating their brother with love and respect
and in praying for him.

We’re here to help

We know this is a complicated and personal subject. Would you let us come alongside
you?

Call us for a free over-the-phone consultation. Our licensed or pastoral counselors

would welcome the chance to hear your story and talk with you in more detail.

Accept Yourself And Others Just As

They Are With These 6 Strategies
When it comes to living a positive life, acceptance is key—particularly acceptance of
others. Personally I struggle sometimes when it comes to accepting others. I have a
tendency to think my way is the best way and when others disagree or act in a way I
cannot understand, I am often critical or judgmental. I like to think of myself as an
accepting person, but I know sometimes that’s just not the case.

We all have our moments when we struggle to accept others as they are (especially
those closest to us), but most of us recognize that becoming more accepting of others
is one way to make our relationships with others more positive. The more accepting
we are, the more our relationships can flourish. And the more our relationships
flourish, the more positive experiences we’ll have with others.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can be a more accepting person. I want to
open my mind up to new ways of seeing the things, to new ways of understanding
those I love most. There are many ways to become more accepting, but here are six
things I’m going to start doing to increase acceptance in my life:

1. Watch your thoughts. Think about what you’re thinking about. I often think
things about other people, judging them, without even realizing it. I’m going to work
on paying more attention to my thoughts and do my best to push them in a non-
judgmental, more accepting direction.

2. Look for the positive. Not accepting others is a result of seeing the negative in
them. Instead of focusing on why someone is different, I’m going to focus on what’s
good about that person and his/her choices and actions. My way is not always the best
one.

3. Avoid right/wrong dichotomies. It’s very tempting to see the world in black and
white with a right and wrong way to do things, but that’s just not how it is. Things
don’t have to be right or wrong if I choose to accept them as they are. I’m going to
stop labeling my way as “right.”

4. Stop judging yourself. Our judgments of others are often a result of our personal
criticisms. If I stop putting pressure on myself to do things the “right” way, I’ll also
stop putting pressure on others as well. Not judging myself or others is a crucial step
to acceptance.

5. Focus on the now. A lack of acceptance can generate from comparing things to the
past. I’m not going to think about what happened before and try to live accordingly;
I’m going to think about now. Comparing things to the past always hinders an
acceptance of what is.

6. Reverse the situation. I ask myself: What if someone were judging me and not
accepting me? How would I feel? I’ll keep these questions in mind the next time I’m
not accepting others. I will imagine someone constantly telling me to slow down (and
how annoying that would be!).

It’s so easy to abstractly think of yourself as an accepting person, but when it comes
to your daily interactions, really pay attention to them and ask yourself if you are
accepting others as they are. Are you really accepting them? Are you really not
thinking your way of doing things is the best way?


  Self-Improvement
 Beauty
 Creepy
 Books
 TV + Movies

Accept Yourself And Others Just As

They Are With These 6 Strategies
By Dani DiPirro, November 10th 2016

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Pexels

When it comes to living a positive life, acceptance is key—particularly acceptance of

others. Personally I struggle sometimes when it comes to accepting others. I have a
tendency to think my way is the best way and when others disagree or act in a way I
cannot understand, I am often critical or judgmental. I like to think of myself as an
accepting person, but I know sometimes that’s just not the case.
We all have our moments when we struggle to accept others as they are (especially
those closest to us), but most of us recognize that becoming more accepting of others
is one way to make our relationships with others more positive. The more accepting
we are, the more our relationships can flourish. And the more our relationships
flourish, the more positive experiences we’ll have with others.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I can be a more accepting person. I want to
open my mind up to new ways of seeing the things, to new ways of understanding
those I love most. There are many ways to become more accepting, but here are six
things I’m going to start doing to increase acceptance in my life:

1. Watch your thoughts. Think about what you’re thinking about. I often think
things about other people, judging them, without even realizing it. I’m going to work
on paying more attention to my thoughts and do my best to push them in a non-
judgmental, more accepting direction.

2. Look for the positive. Not accepting others is a result of seeing the negative in
them. Instead of focusing on why someone is different, I’m going to focus on what’s
good about that person and his/her choices and actions. My way is not always the best
one.

3. Avoid right/wrong dichotomies. It’s very tempting to see the world in black and
white with a right and wrong way to do things, but that’s just not how it is. Things
don’t have to be right or wrong if I choose to accept them as they are. I’m going to
stop labeling my way as “right.”

4. Stop judging yourself. Our judgments of others are often a result of our personal
criticisms. If I stop putting pressure on myself to do things the “right” way, I’ll also
stop putting pressure on others as well. Not judging myself or others is a crucial step
to acceptance.

5. Focus on the now. A lack of acceptance can generate from comparing things to the
past. I’m not going to think about what happened before and try to live accordingly;
I’m going to think about now. Comparing things to the past always hinders an
acceptance of what is.

6. Reverse the situation. I ask myself: What if someone were judging me and not
accepting me? How would I feel? I’ll keep these questions in mind the next time I’m
not accepting others. I will imagine someone constantly telling me to slow down (and
how annoying that would be!).

It’s so easy to abstractly think of yourself as an accepting person, but when it comes
to your daily interactions, really pay attention to them and ask yourself if you are
accepting others as they are. Are you really accepting them? Are you really not
thinking your way of doing things is the best way?

The more I use these six tactics in my life, the more I find myself being much more
accepting of others. I’m more loving, more forgiving, more kind. I’ve discovered that
the only way to live a positive and present life is to accept what is—something you
certainly can’t do if you don’t accept others for who they are.
 Accepting People You Dislike as They Are: How It Benefits You and How to Do It

By Daniel A. Miller

We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.” ~Aesop, The Eagle and the “
Arrow

We can sometimes have difficulty accepting our friends, family, and loved ones as they are
when their habits, quirks, or behavior annoy us. Our natural tendency is to try to change
what we don’t like about them, which often leads to resentment. Nonetheless, given their
importance and presence in our lives, we are usually willing to make an effort to accept
.them as they are

But what about people we dislike—people who cause us grief? For example, an overbearing
boss, a scheming coworker, or an annoying relative. Should we also make an effort to accept
?them as they are

Before you decline to do so, consider that when we don’t accept such people as they are
(and more about what that means shortly), the adverse consequences for ourselves can be
.even worse

One problem is that we will be prone to engaging them in combative, retaliatory ways, as
was my modus operandi. I now realize that I suffered unnecessarily from my refusal to
accept people I disliked or despised, in terms of both greater personal anguish and
.counterproductive responses to their actions

.And especially so when I was betrayed by a business partner several years ago

I Refused to Accept My Business Partner for Who He Was

During a particularly difficult period in my life when my first wife and I were on the brink of
breaking up, a business partner was intent on squeezing me out of my most profitable real
estate investment in the Midwest. He controlled the purse strings and withheld the money
.due to me from the investment
 He also made disparaging remarks about my wife and me to our banker. The problem was,
we shared the same banker—my partner introduced us—and my partner happened to be
one of the bank’s wealthiest clients. The bank called my loans, and I didn’t have the means
.to repay them

Accepting this person for who he was and acting in my best interests under the
circumstances was not even a consideration. Instead, consumed with unbridled anger and
resentment, I foolishly launched a costly five-year legal battle that brought me to the brink
.of bankruptcy

My sense of urgency also caused me to miss important doctor appointments for the removal
of a small lesion on my nose, which later resulted in my losing half my nose to a vicious
.tumor and enduring four major reconstructive surgeries

When an offer to settle came in shortly before trial, my attorney asked me what I wanted
out of the case—meaning financially. I righteously announced to him my intention to make
.my partner stop taking advantage of people and change his unscrupulous business practices

Dumbfounded, my attorney turned to me and exclaimed, “Danny, you must be kidding! Do

”.you really think you are going to change this man? That’s just not going to happen

!And it didn’t

What Acceptance Is—and Isn’t

As I mentioned, accepting my partner for who he was and not trying to change him was not
a consideration. At the time, I equated acceptance with surrender and excusing bad
behavior—and being weak. I also believed that I had the power to change people’s ingrained
!ways, which I now know is myth conquering reality

I have since learned that true acceptance has nothing to do with surrender, backing down,
condoning bad behavior, or the like. Rather, true acceptance means accepting people and
things as they are without judgment or harboring negative feelings such as fear, anger,
.)resentment, and the like (or at least minimally so
As such, true acceptance is the detached, even-keeled acknowledgment of the underlying or
.objective reality—the “how is” and “what is”—of the person or situation

With that mindset, you are able to accept someone you dislike as they are, and still
terminate the relationship if you determine it is in your best interest to do so. You can also
.change the dynamics of the relationship if cutting ties is not practical or realistic

For example, you can accept a divisive sibling (or other family member) as they are, and still
set boundaries, such as avoiding problematic topics of discussion, or choosing the type,
.extent, and frequency of contact you wish to have

Further, acceptance does not mean that you need be passive or give up principles and values
that are important to you. Thus, whether in dealing with dishonest politicians or business
leaders, or when you feel an injustice has been done, acceptance does not mean that you
”.shouldn’t take corrective actions that voice your own “truths

The Gifts of Accepting People You Dislike

When you are able to accept people you dislike (or anyone for that matter) as they are, you
.can then recognize the choices that will serve you best

Why? Acceptance induces a critical shift in focus from what you are powerless to change or
do to what you can do to better serve your needs. In short, accepting what is lets you
.discover what might be—and no less so when dealing with people you dislike

I certainly had viable choices with my business partner besides pursuing the combative, self-
harming course I chose. One choice was to not sue and instead devote my time and
energy—and money—to improving my other properties. However, my unprocessed fear and
.anger obscured this much wiser path

A related gift of acceptance is that it brings you freedom by releasing the shackles that bind
you to troublesome relationships. (This is particularly true when dealing with past parental
)”.transgressions, control freaks, and other “crazy makers
Acceptance is also a great stress and anxiety reducer. When you accept people and things as
.they are, you have little to stress (and lose sleep) over

Keys to Accepting People You Dislike

Practicing acceptance with people you dislike is challenging. It is often a process that evolves
.over time and in which incremental steps are fruitful. Certain keys will facilitate the process

.Process your fears

Unprocessed fear prevents acceptance because it dominates our thoughts instead of

allowing us to make the choices that serve us best. Apt acronyms for FEAR are “Future
”.Events Already Ruined” and “False Evidence Appearing Real

With my partner, for example, I was in that “already ruined” mode because of my strong
fear that his actions would irreparably impact my livelihood—but they in fact wouldn’t
.because I had other profitable investments

We thus need to process and reduce our fears in order to benefit from the even-keeled type
of acceptance I have described. Most fears are illusory and speculative; they diminish and
.even leave when they are closely examined

It helps considerably to examine the objective reality of the person or situation you are
dealing with rather than be guided by negative speculations about what might happen and
what could be. Face and lean into your fears. Their bark is much greater than their bite.
When you so process your fears, their hold over you (and your thinking) will lessen
.considerably, and viable options and choices will be revealed to you

.Defuse your anger

In much the same manner, our anger and resentment toward people we dislike obstruct
acceptance. Moreover, anger can easily exacerbate situations in ways that are harmful to us,
.like it did for me when I dueled with my business partner

The late Carrie Fisher expressed it well in her book Wishful Drinking: “Resentment is like
drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” (I certainly drank a lot of poison
)!while waiting for my former business partner to change his dishonorable ways
 It softens the edge of your resentment if you try to see things from the other person’s
perspective. Many—perhaps even most—times, people’s behavior is based on their fears,
.anxieties, and self-interests and not on any intent to harm us

An overbearing and controlling boss, for example, is likely guided by fears and anxiety about
his business rather than your job performance. A fierce competitor, whether in business or
on the playing field or at school, is likely guided by her need to win rather than a desire to
suppress you. And an unkind gossiper is likely guided by her low self-esteem and need to be
.liked rather than an intent to harm you

In the case of my partner, looking back I now recognize that he acted mainly out of the
concern about how the break-up of my marriage would impact one of his largest
.investments

!Look for the good

Some—maybe most—of the time we are so engulfed in the turmoil with those we dislike,
that we can’t see the “positive” influences that they have on our lives. I learned an awful lot
from my partner during the years we worked together. He’s a very astute businessman. My
departure totally changed my career trajectory. It lead to establishing a real estate
investment company in which I have been able to apply what I learned from him in my own
.business dealings with great success

Another major gift was that he played a major role in helping me to prove to myself that I
can take care of myself under severe pressures and adverse circumstances. I always had
.doubts about that

Recognizing these “good” things removed my anger and I was later able to accept my
partner for the person he was, even offering a toast to his good health at a dinner gathering
.of friends following the settlement of the law suit

Acceptance Intentions

.Below are some intentions that will assist you in accepting people you dislike as they are
 :I will

.Process my fear and anger

.Not take what they do personally

.Recognize the fears and anxieties that drive them

.Pause, reflect, and think objectively

.Not assume an intent to harm me

.Set appropriate boundaries

.Trust that I will be able to take care of myself

.Be true to myself

In doing these things, you will feel less annoyed, more grounded, and more focused on
!taking care of your needs—and the gifts of acceptance will be yours