ene np asc aye eo: sin wel Horan io scm pon when hei mis Thaw ad detuning The place mats, glassware, china, and silverware used during the course of the play should be bight, dean, and tasteful. We eal a= Sora yr oar el ear Souler efoto hye Ee eee i ryt sd oe She ly worked out The blending and overlapping of scenes have been carefully worke fee i wo blending of wo give a une of both conta and flow. When tren one shuld fllow another as quickly as posible. The pla should never degenerate into a serie of lackous 226 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 The Dining Room Ne one on sage. The dining oom furnicure sparkle in the early morning light. Voices from off right. Then a woman realestate Agent and her male Client appear in 1 doorway. Bosh wear raincoats, AGENT ...and the dining room, (CLIENT: Oh boy. ‘AcE: You see how these rooms wete designed to catch the early mooning lighe? (CUENT: I'l say AGENT: French doors, lovey garden, flowering crabs. Do you like gardening? (CENT: Used to, AGENT: Imagine, imagine having a long, leisurely breakfast in here. (CUENT: As opposed to instant coffee on Eastezn Aifines, AGENT: Exactly You know this sa room after my own heart. I grew up in a dining room like this. Same sore of furnicure. Everyehing, CLIENT: So did I AGENT: Then here we are. Welcome home, Pause.) (CUIENT: What are they asking again? AGENT: Make an offer. I think they'll come down. (Another passe.) CLIENT: Trouble is, well never use cis room. AGENT: Oh now. GuexT: We wont The last wo houses we lived in, my wife used the dining oom table to sort the laundey AGENT: Oh dear. ‘Nt: Maybe youd beter show me something more contemporary Acre: That means something farther out, How long have we got to find you home? CUENT: One day. AGENT: And how long will the corporation keep you here, alter you've found it CLIENT: Six months to a year AceNT: Oh then definitely we should look farther out. (She open ce hitchen door) You can look at the kiechen as we leave CUENT: You shouldn't have shown me this Gist, THE DINING ROOM 227‘AGENT: I chought it was something to go by. um: You've spoiled everything else. AGENT: Oh no. Well find you something if we've got all day. But wast ie lovely room? CENT: Let’ go, oF I'l buy id (They bovh exit through the kitchen door asa Brother comes in from the hal, {followed by his Sir. Both are middle-aged. His name is Arthur, hers is Sally) ARTHUR: The dining room, satty: Yes ARTHUR: Notice how we gravitate right to this room, satay I Know it ARTHUR: You sure mother doesn't want this stuff in Farida? SaLLy: She hardly has room for what she's got. She wants us to take turns ‘Without fighting agruR: Well just have to draw fos then, SALLY: Unless one of us wants something, and one of us docs. ARTHUR: We have to do it coday. salty: Do you think thats enough time to divide up a whole house? [ARTHUR: Ihave to get back, Sal. (He looks in the sideboard.) Well draw lots and chen go through the rooms taking tums. (He brings out silver spoon.) Here. Well use this sale spoon. (Fle shifs it fom hand to hand Ibcbind bis back, shen holds out two fas.) Take your pick. You get the spoon, you get the dining room. say: You mean you want to start here? ARTHUR: Got to star somewhere. (Sally loks at is fs. Annie, a Maid, comes out fom the kitchen to set the table for breakfast. She sets placemats at ether end and ro cafe cups, with saucers. Sally and Arthuar take no notice of her. Annie shen leave) Atty: (Not choosing.) You mean you want the dining, room? agriuR: Yeah. sauty: What happened to the stuff you had? ‘THUR: Jane took ie. Ie was part of the settlement. aL IF you win, where will you puc it ‘aKTHUR: Thae’s my problem, Sal, saity: I thoughe you had a tiny apartment. “agus: I'l find a place. saLty: T mean your children won't want it. ARTHUR: Probably not. 228 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1976-1983 SALLY: Then where on carth..? ARTHUR: Come on, Sal. Choose, (He bolds ous bis ss again. She choors. Arthur loers his hands: Annie men fom 7 bten ringing the morning paper. She puts it atthe of the table and then leaves.) ARTHUR: You don’ want it SALLY: Of course I want itt ARTHUR: I mean you already SALLY: Not as good as this ARTHUR: You mean you want two dining rooms? SALLY: I'd give our old stuff to Debbi ARTHUR: To Debbie? SALLY: She's our oldest child ARTHUR: Does Debbie want a dining room? SALLY: She might, have a perfectly good dining room. ARTHUR: In a condominium? SALLY: She might. ARTHUR: In Denver? SALLY She just might, Archur (A Father comes in from the right. He wesles comfortably atthe head of the sable, unfold bis newspaper important) " ARTHUR: (Shufling the spoon behind his bach. hind bis back again. Then holding out hic fas. I dont want to fight. Which hand? eee) (Sally start 0 choose, shen tops.) SALLY: Ate you planning to put ic in storage? ARTHUR: I might. " “ sattt I checked on that. That costs an arm and a leg ARTHUR: So does shipping ic to Denver. (He bold on HOt (Cling w fon) Goot mare, hee saan Alma picking a hand, then sopping) Uknow what wil happen if you ARTHUR: What? SALLY: Youtl end up selling i ARTHUR: Selling i? SALLY: That's what will happen. Te will kick around fo A up calling a asnieute dale. Seoelocelyood Annie comes ont witha small gas of “orange juice” sera bola yada ee satty: Idonit want to fight, Archon THE DINING ROOM 229ARTHUR: Neither do I. Maybe we should defer the dining room. (He starts for doo, right) sau: (Following him.) Maybe we should. “Axi: Good morning sic srH#2%; Good morning, Annie. ARriUR: Selling the dining room: Is chat what you told Mother I do? SALLY: Following him.) told her Ya give you the piano if can have the din ing room agTnuts Tbe lucky iT keep this spoon, SaL1¥ Tl give you the piano and the cafee rable if Ihave the dining room. (Arthur and Sally exe into the hall) raTHER: Annie. Ane isos tothe kitchen door) at: Yes si FATHER: Did I find a seed in my orange juice yesterday morning? sous: [strained i, sit rartien: I'm sure you did, Annie. Nonetheless I think I may have detected a small seed avant TI strain it owice, sit FATHER: Seeds can wreak havoc withthe digestion, Annie. ASOT Yes, si. FATHER: They can take root. And grow. ANE: Yes st. Tm sorry, st Annie goes ou.) (Father drinks his orange juice careful and reads his newspaper litle Girl icks her bead ou through the dining room door) cit: Daddy | FATHER: Yes, good morning, Lizie Boo. int: Daddy, could Chase and me— raTHER: Chatlie and L Gini: Charlie and I come out and sit with you while you have breakfast? FATHER: You certainly may, Lizkns. 18 be delighted to have the pleasure of your company «itu: Yippee! rarwen: I said, PROVIDED you sit quicly, without leaning back in your chairs, and dont fight or argue. sina: Calling off) He says we can! FATHER said you may sweetheart (The Girk comes out adoring followed by a Little Bay) cant: (Rising her father) Good morning, Daddy : 230 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 80%: (Kising bim too.) Morning, Dad. (They rete into tir sea. Annie brings out the Fathers“ ) soe: Heres your cream, st —— vee raTHER: Thank you, Annie, ANNIE: Vouite welcome, si (Annie goes out.) (The children watch thir father) ov: Dad. rare: Hmmm? BOY: When do we get to have fiesh cream on our shredded wheat? int: When you grow up, that’ when, FATHER: Il ell you one thing, IFthere’ awa mo one gets cream. If there's a war, well all have to setle for top ofthe bore : int: Mother suid she was thinking about having us eat dinner in here with you every night. FamieR: Yes. Your mother and I are both thinking abo ch chinking abou that. And we're both looking forward 9 it. As soon as you children learn to sit up straight (They quickly de) TIME: then eo son why we should all hve a plesne me together every evening bor: Could we try i tonight, Dad? Could you give us ates? ati1ER: No, Charli. Not tonight. Because tonight we're giving «small din- ner pry Bt hope very much ou and wil come dwn and sake CuRL: I get s0 shy, Dad aTHER: Well youll just have co learn, sweetie pie, Half of lf is learning t0 meet people sov: What's the other half, Dad? (Pause. The Father fces him with a seey gaze) aren: Was that a crack? — 80%: No, Dad, FATHER: That was a crack, wasnt i Bor: No, Dad. Realy FATHER: That sounded very much lke a smart-guy wisecrack to me. And peo- He ho make cs ied moray enim ning noe Bor: I didnt mean ie as a crack, Dad : . Fares: Then well ignore it. Annie comes in) ANNIE: (To Girl) Your car’ here, Line, For school. ( Cand: Gumping up.) OK. ‘Il go on with our breakfast nie goes ont.) THE DINING ROOM 231FATHER: (To Girl.) Thank you, Annie. Gite tir) Gee, Day rartsn: Good-bye, dating. Dont be late. Say good morn he Run. Run. Good-bye. Sit quel in che ca. Work hard nun, (Git gn off Fehr rear is paper Ps, By ss aching hs ithe) sor Decne oe : Cerainly. Certaialy you may ir , ands it to his son. Both read, Fe carilly ecrac the second ection ad bo tet ear bei Pc) raruex: This wont mean much to you, but che government is systematically ining conn oor Mis Kyl us abou ie grein FATHER: Oh really. And who is Miss Kelly, pray tel ov: She my teacher FATHER I dot remember any Mis Kelly. 0V: She’ new, Dad ; SATHERT see And what has she een ling yo! ov She sad here deprssion going on, FATHER Ise. hea aon: Peopleall ver the country are standing inline for b aT Le, . 20%: So the government has to step in and do something. (Long pase. Then) ramen: Amie! AS (Coming kon) Yen te fare T very much ke some more coe, plese. ANNE: Yes Sie (Annie goes ot) Farvtk You tell Miss Kel she’ wrong een eps on handing out Fathi ell you eat why fie greene eps o handing ot joney, no one will want to work. And if no one wants to Wo ae tron be anyone around t support such things as private schools. An ifno supporting ptivate schools, thea Miss Kelly will be sanding she bead laces with ego de You tel is Kelly Ha you plese. Thank you, Annie ce eee mel voen ef Fate ron 0b: paper. Amie rected he kitchen. By reads is finns fora momen The) bor Dad rare (Reading) Fim? 252, COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 Boy: Could we leave a lire earlier today? FATHER: Well eave when we always eave. BOY: Bur I'm ahvays late, Dad. FATHER: Nonsense, Box: Tam, Dad. Yesterday I had to walk into asse singing the hymn, FATHER: A minute oF two late Bo¥: Everyone looked at me, Dad. FATHER: You tell everyone to concentra o ov: I ean, Dad Fares: Is thas new seoplight on Richmond Avenue, Ie afets out timing, ov Ps mos jus the new stoplight, Dad. Sometimes I come in when they ve already doing arithmetic. Mie Kelly ays should learn to be puncreal FATHER: Putting down paper.) Miss Kelly again, eh? 0 She suid if everyone is late, no one would learn any mathematic. FATHER: Now you listen to me, Charlie. Miss Kelly may be an excellent teaches Her factoring may be Rawle, hee geography beyond question But Miss Kelly des not teach us politics. Nor does she teach us how np ‘un our lives. She is not going tell you, or me, to leave in the middle of a pleasanr breakfast, and s:¢ caught in the bulk of the morning taf. juss hac you can arrive in ime fora sly hymn. Long afer youve forgorten char hymn, long afer you've forgotten how to ato long afer youve forgotten Miss Kal, you will remember thee pleasane breakfaste around this dining room able (Mother glides into the room from the righ.) FATHER: And here is your mother to prove i MoTHER: (Kining Fisher) Good morning, deat. (Kiuing Charli.) Good morning, Chali FATHER: (Remaining sated) 1 know people who leap to their feet when a beautiful woman enters the room, (Charlie juomps up.) MOTHER: Oh that al ight, dear FATHER: I also know people who rush to (Cherle does 0) Morite: Thank you, dear atu: And finaly 1 know people who second section ofthe morning paper. ‘anit: Oh! Here, Mum. MOTHER: Thank you, dea -mbly while they were sell mn that hymn, ‘Push in their mother's chait ‘te quick to give their mother the THE DINING ROOM 253atiter: Now Charlie: take a moment, if you would, just to look at your love- ly mother, bathed in the morning sunlight, and reflected in the dining room table MOTHER: Oh Russel (Chari looks az bis mother) aren: Look at her, Charlie, and then ask yourself carefully, Which is worth cour ultimate attention? Your Mother? Or Miss Kelly? MOTHER: Who is Miss Kelly? ATHER: Never mind, dear. Which, Chaslie? ‘CHARLIE: My Mother. aTHHen: Good, Charlie. Fine. (He gets up; taking his section of the paper) And row, I think you and I should make a tip upstairs before we say good- bye, and are on our way. (Mother smiles sweet, Chari gives his Mother a ks. Father and Son leave the room. Annie enter, carrying coffe server) MOTHER: Good morning, Annie. ANMIE: Good morning, Mrs. MOTHER: Tell Irma I'll have poached eggs this morning, please, Annie. ANNE: Yes, Mrs (Ane goe out) (Mother sits sipping eof, reading her section of the paper. A Youngish Woman—eall er Elle—comes out ofthe kitchen. Her arms are stacked wih a small portable ypwriter, papers; several books and notebooks. She finds a place asthe table and begins to spread things out around her. Mother pays no atsenton to her. A Man called Howard, carrying a brifease, appears at right) HOWARD: Hey! ELLIE: Ooooops. I thought you had gone. HOWARD: I forgot my briefcase... What’ going on? ELLIE: Ihave to get this cerm paper done. HOWARD: In here? LL: Where else HowARD: Youle going co pe? LUI: OF course Pm going, to ype. HOWARD: Io here? At that rable? ELLIE: Why not? ‘HOWARD: Youite going to sic chere, banging a typewriter on my family’ dix ing room cable? uni: Why nor? HOWARD: Because ic wasnt designed for it, thar’s why! 254 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME I1 1974-1983 ELLE: (Sighing) Oh, Howard. HOWARD: Lucky I came back. Next thing you know, off our Lowestoft china " ELLIE: [es got rubber pads under it. Tchecked, (Gets up, gost sideboard) And Til gee something es, if you want. (She ates outa couple of place mat) HOWARD: You'e nor going to use those place mat? BLUE: I thought I would. Ye. HOWARD: Those are good place mats ELLIE: We haventt used chem in ten years youll be feeding the dog: HOWARD: Those are exttemely good place mats, Italy. LUE: All righ, (She puts the place mass back in the sideboard rummages around finds a couple of hot pads. He wasches her carefully) Sean ELLIE: Till use these, then. Mind if use these? We cereainly puta cypewricr. (She carves them 10 the table, pts them under the ypewrite, continues to ‘gt hing et up. Howard watches her. Meansohile, Mother, impatiens for ‘er poached egg, puts down ber paper and rings a litte silver bell on the table in frome of her. Annie comes out of che kitchen.) ANNIE: Yes, Mrs? \OTAER I wonder if aything might hve happened co my poached egy Annie. es mn pos ee Ellie. Mother got those in Put pots on them. We can ‘20: led coking wo more Mr Nomi: Two more! AS: The fist ones i ofthe pate wile she was butrng he was ori: (toning 9p) she dng sa et pst No Mes Mori Tel me heh ‘eT dn think, Mx MOTHER 1a beer gp eA simple quesion of eo posed egs (Ske taf he bien) ony hs meme Waele tei js do hing un st: Yor Mn (ok gs ous int the hche: Annie the Mater and Father thee ving a gl ond pl for be nt oe) SLE: (16 Hwee is singe dors ething) Do you have planer atc? ind of had to work when you, shen hoveing over ou ie a ope THE DINING ROOM 235HowaRo: Well is kind of hard co leave when your wife is systematically smutlaing the dining room table. Le: Tl be catefil, Howard. I swear. Now good-bye, (She begins t9 bunt and peck on she xpewriter. Howard tarts ot, then swheels on he.) 1owAnD: Couldat you please work somewhere else? LUE: Fd like to know where, please tHowARD: What's wrong wih the kitchen able? ELLIE: Te doesn work, Howard, Last rime the kids goc peanut butter allover ry footnotes HowanD: I'l se up the bridge table inthe living room. uti: [4 just have to move whenever you and the boys wanted to watch football game HowaRo: You mean, youe going to leave all chat stuff shee? LUE: I choughe I would. Yes, HowakD: All that she All over the dining room? HLL: [esa term paper, Howard. es crucial for my degree. owano: You mean youre gong to commandeer the dining room for the rest ofthe term? ELLE: It just sits here, Howard. Is never used, HOWARD: What if we want o give a dinner pary? LUE: Since when have we given a dinner party? ‘HOWARD: What if we want to have a few people over, for Chrissake? fit: We can eatin the kitchen, HOWARD: Oh Jesus. LLIE: Everybody does these days. noweann: Thar doesne male it right. Lu: Let me get this done, Howard! Let me get 2 good grade, and my Maser’ degree, and a good job, 0 Ican be ou of here every day! HOWARD: Fine! What the hell Then why dont T turn it into a 00/ 1oom, very nigh? (He sorms out.) (Ele doggedly returns to er work, angrily hunting and pecking om the rpe- teviter. Grace enter from right. She sits downsuage lef, and begins to work am her grocery lit Carly, a gil of fourteen, enters sleepily a moment later) canouas: Why did you tell Mildred co wake me up, Mother? Grace: Let me just finish this procery list CCAROUIN: I mean its Saturday, Mother GRACE: (Finishing obe lie with a flourish) Ssbh...There, Puts down the lst) 236 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 know is Saturday, dalig, and I darling, and I spologize. Bu something has come up, and I want you to make alee decision . canovin: Wha decision? Gace: Stare your breakfast, dear. No one can think on (Carolyn sito he rable) GRACE: Now. Guess who telephoned chis moming? CAROL: Who? GRACE: Your Aunt Martha CAROL: Oh I love hee GRACE: So do I. Bur the poor thing hati thing hase gor enough todo, so she was on the telephone a the crack of dawn, “ Canons: What did she wane Gace: Well now here’ the thing she’ shes gor an exta sicker for the theatre tonight, and she wants you join her canons Sure! Race: Now wait il Ive finished, dese. T told he at. I tld her it was your decision, of course, but [thought you had other plans ‘canouss: Whae other plans? ‘ace: Now think, darling. Init there somethin your life this evening? awe) canon: Oh GRACE: Am [right or am I righe Canons: (Grimbs) Dancing school ELIE Shit. (She begins to gather up her material) Grace: Not dancing school, sweetheart. The fist sesion of the Junior Anembles Which re big pte dancing ho LIE: Tea’ workin this place! Ikea tomb! (Sh, smb (She gos nat into the kitchen. Ace: Tol Aue Marta yout cl he ight ac soe cal a y someone es. Canon I hough ie was my decision. GRAcz eis, sweetheart, OF course. ‘canons: Then Td like to se a play with Aunt Martha Pauce,) : GRact: Carolyn, [wonder if youre being jus a lite imp ing just alice impulsive this morning Yau dont even know what the pay is . CAROL: What is it chen? Race: Wel it happens to be avery aly play called Sent fan, AROLIN: Ol we read that in school I want to go all the more! an empty stomach ig father special going on in THE DINING ROOM 237GRACE: Tes the road company, sweetheart. It doesn even have Katherine Cornel. carovnt Ti sil ke © go ; act: To some endles play? With your maiden aunt? CAROLYN: She's my favorite person. Race: Well chen go, i is chat important to you. CAROLYN: (Grating up.) Tl call her right now. (She start for the door.) race: Carolyn (Caran 091) ‘Grace: You realize, of couse, that on the frst Junior Assembly, everyone gets acquainted, canovin: Really? GRACE: Oh heavens yes. Ie sears the whole thing off on che right foo. canons I didnt know that : Grace: Oh yes. I like the first day of school. Once you miss, you neve: cach up. canovnn: Oh gosh. GRACE: You se? You see why we shouldn't make hasty decisions. (Pewse.) AROLIN: Then maybe I wort go at al. GRACE: What do you mean? CAROLYN: Maybe Pl skip all he Junior Assemblies Race: Oh Carolyn, ‘canori I dori ike dancing school anyway. CGaact: Dorit be sll aroun ont Fee ncer edi. m big ha al be boy and ne know what to say, and I'm a terrible dancer. Last year I spent half the time in the ladies room. crac: Thats nonsense . CaRoUmN: I's tue Mother. hate dancing school I done know why I have to go. Saint Joan wouldnt go to dancing schoo! in a million yeas! ccrace: Yes, and look whar happened to Saint Joan! ARO: I dont are ve made up my mind (Pause) ‘GRACE: Your Aunt Martha seems to have caused a litle trouble around here this morning, CCAROLIN: Maybe. so ‘GRACE: Your Aunt Martha seems to have opened up a whole can of wor ‘canons: Tm glad she did. 238 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME IL 1974-1983 ‘Grace: All right. And how do you propose to spend your othee Saturday nights? I mean, when there’ no Aune Martha. And no Saint Joan? And all your friends ar having the ime of their ife at Junior Assemblies? aroun: I do something Rack: Such as what? Hanging around here? Listening to that stupid Hie Parade? Bothering the maids when we'e planaing o havea party? Aggie, « Maid, comes out of be hichen, sits atthe table, begins 0 polish some flat silver with a silver cloth) CAROLS: Tl do someting, Moches. Gace: (Picking up Carol’ breakfse dite.) Well you'te obviously not old enough to make an intelligent decision AaROLM: I knew you wouldn' let me decide ‘GRACE: (Wheeling on he.) All eight, then! Decide! CAROU T ike 1o— (GRACE: But let me tell you a very shore story before you do. About your dear ‘Aunt Martha. Who also made alle decision when she was about your age. She decided—if you breathe a word of this, I'l stangle you-she decided she was in love with her viding master And so she threw every. thing up, and ran off with him. To Taos, New Mexico. Where your father had to wack her down and drag her back. But it was 10 late Carolyn! She had been..overstimulated. And from then on in, she refused to join the workday world, Now thete ici, In a nutshell. So think about i, while Pm ordering the groceries. And decide. (She goes out lef camying Carol’ gas and plate) (Aggie poihe the siler Carlyn sts and thinks, She decides) canou: Pve decided, Mother SGRACE'S VOICE: (From the kitchen.) Good. I hope you've come to your senses (canon: (Gesing up) Tv decided to tall to Aunt Martha. (She goes out) Gace: (Bursting through the kitchen door) You've got a dentist appointment, Carolyn! Youve go riding lessons at noon—no, no, well ski lessons, but—Carolya! Carolyn! (She rashes ous through the ball ax Michael comes in through the kitchen He is about nucle) MICHAEL: Sneaking up on er.) Boo! AGGIE: Michael! You seared me out of my skin! ici [wanted to (Passe, He comes alte more into the rom. Aggie returns to ber poihing) ‘ote: Your mother said you was sick this morning MCCHAEL: I was. Tam, ip the riding THE DINING ROOM 239Aol S sck you couldn go to schol. MCtAet: Iam, Aggie! T upchucked! vice! “Acctt: Then you get rghesraight back to bed (He doesnt.) saciet; How come you didat do my room yer Acai: Beoase I thought you was sleeping. MICHAEL: Te just been Ijng there, Ag. Waiting. cate: Well I got more to do nowy, since Ida lef. I gor che silver, and the downstairs lavatory, and all the beds besides, (He comes farther in.) Aciaet: My mother sys you want lave us, (She police) cate: When did she sy that? scHABL: Last Thursday. On your diy off When she was cooking dinner. ‘She sid now theresa war, youre looking for job with more money. gic polishes) MICHAEL: I that tue, Aa? AGGIE: Maybe iciAeL: Money is everyhing, Agi AGGIE: Listen to him now. MICHAEL: You can be rich as a king and still be miserable. Look at my Uncle Paul. He’ rich as Croesus and yet he’s drinking himself into oblivion. Accie: What do you know abour all shat? MICHAEL: I know a lot. I eat dinner here in the dining room now. I listen. ‘And I know that my Uncle Paul is drinking himself into oblivion. And Mrs, Williams has a tipped uterus. AGGIE: Here now. You stop that talk. MicHagt: Well, e's rue, Ag. And ir proves that money isn't everything. So you donit have co leave us. (Pauce. She works, He drifis arouad the sable) AGGIE: It’s not just the money, darlin MICHAEL: Then what, Ag? (No answer) Dorit you like us any more? AGGIE: Oh, Michael MICHAEL: Donit you like our family? AGGIE: Oh, Mikey. MICHAEL: Are you still mad at me for peeking at you in the bathcub? ‘AGGaiE: That's enough now. MICHAEL: Then what iit, Ag? How come youre just leaving? (Pause) 240 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 ‘AGGIE: Because I dont. MICHAEL: Why? ‘AGGiE: Because I done lke it no more, Mike. (He thinks) MICHAEL: Thar’s because Ida lft and you have too much to do, Ag AGGIE: No dain : nets MICHAEL: (Siasing down near er) Tl help you, Ag. I sweat! Tl make my own bed, and pick up my towel. try to be muich more careful when I pee! AGGIE: (Laughing) Lord love you, lad “ ‘iaact: No, no, relly Lwill And il ell my patents notte have 0 many dinner partes, Ag. I'l tell chem to give you more time of Tl tell them to give you all day Sunday. AGGIE: No, darlin. No. MICHAEL: T'm serious, Ag scott: I know, darlin’ Thuow. (Tivo Men come in fror right: an Architect and a prospecive Buyer swauuricr: OK Lets mess isouithen eee (The Archies asa lage rel rape measure and a rl of busprin, They begin to measure the rom pitemaically the Architect reading the urs send recording them in smal notebook, the Ber holding the end ofthe ‘ape. The firs measure the downstage longth,) MICHAEL: When will you be going then, Ag? ‘AGGIE: As soon as your mother finds someone ese. MICHAEL: She cant find anyone, Aggie, AGGIE: She will, she will MICHAEL: She says she cané. The dyed hai! ARCHITECT: (Reading measurements, writing them dewn.,) Twenty-two mer i JT: feet, six BUvER: Fine room, ARCHITECT: Big room. MICHAEL: So y you gor to stay, Ag. You cane jus leave people in the lure BUMER: Look at these French doors Poni eck «ncirtect: Tm looking, 'm also thinking. About heat loss (They measure mare) AGGIE: I'l say til you go away for the summer. ARCHITECT: (Measuring width of "French doom") Eight feet two inches. (Pause) 1 donit want to do domestic service no - Keep showing up with diry fingernails and THE DINING ROOM 241(Michel gts up and comes downstage,loks out through the French door asthe Archive goes upstage, to record his nates on the sideboard.) MICHAEL: You gonna get married, arent you, Ag? AGGIE: Maybe, MICHAEL: That guy you told me about from church? AGGIE: Maybe. ‘Maciaet: You gonna have children? (Aagie laughs.) MICHAEL: You will. I know you will. You'll have a boy of your own. ARCHITECT: Hold ic right now. MICHAEL: Will you come back to see us? AGG: Oh my yes MICHAEL: You wort, Ag AGGIE: [wl surely. MICHAEL: You'll never come back, Ag, [ll never see you again! Ever! ARCHITECT: (Now measuring the wideh) Twelve feet four inches. GGiE: (Holding out her arms,) Come here, Mike MICHAEL: No, AGGIE: Come here and give Aggie a big hug! MICHAEL: No. Why should I? No. AGGIE: Justa squeeze, for old time's sake! MICHAEL: No! (Squaring his shoulder) Go lug your own kids, Agnes. I've got work to do. ve got a whole stack of homework to do. I'm missing a whole day of school. (He runt out of the room.) [AGGIE: Michael! (She resumes polishing the las few pieces of silver.) ARCHITECT: (Reeling in his sape with profesional zeal) O.K. There's your din- ing rcom, Doctor. BUYER: (Who is a pychiaris.) There iis. ARCHITEC™: Big room, light room...commodious room, PSYCHIATRIST: One of the reasons we bought the house. ARCHITECT: And one of the reasons we should consider breaking ic up. PsyCHIATRIST: Breaking it up? ARCHITECT: Now bear with me: What say we turn this room into an office for you, and a waiting room for your patients? PSYCHIATRIST: I thoughe we planned to open up those maid’s rooms on the third oor, ancurTect: Hold on. Relax (He begins to spread a large blueprint out on the table anchoring is comers 242, COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 sith his espe mesure and centerpiece. Aggie has fished polishing by now ‘She gathers up ber sileer and polishing staff and leave.) ewes ASGHITECT: The patiene erase the psychiatrist, doesnt he? Why cat he psy chiarist east che architect? (He begin to sketch om the bhupring, with a ‘ease pencil) Now here's the ground plan of your house. Hers whse youite stuck with, for the moment, and here, dimensions, is your dining room PSYCHIATRIST I see with these approximate ASCTECT: (Dring with it gre pei) Now sipose.jus sp pose. we started wth a cen slate Suppose we open he up hed + beamin here, Keak dough Bere and hr at ot this throw se tha and wha de we be? PSYCHIAT: Im ot ute sre Ancuecr Wale doh» ing om anymore Tha what we don PSYCH But whee woul we ARCHITECT: Here Right here Look, Fm ping amen ae, Hee the fg. he ooking nis, Cisinars butcher kl, chrome chore See? Look atthe space. The flow. We cooks kids the able wae suck he dies. Al dg hee Democacy work Inyo oon hone Pvc: Hin sour: Now, lets review your day. You come down to breakfast, every- Says xing hit orher awn hing. (Hees shgh the a apens ‘hohe ion dw) Bag conf, poptate vce ey chat, ead th pape sy good be, come in hte goo ork Doseg have a nurse of a receptionist? . PSicHATRST: No, no Tm jus» humble shrink ‘ScuMacT Begining rove andthe room) Nl, you come in ee ‘he ecepin room, maybe aj the magne on wale hee ep +4 your newspaper ote il, chen you go hgh aso do book fom a wallnit he, and tense behind sour desk nal here You rea, you lien to mus, Soom buses pennies tog tur off the msi pt side your book and bus nn doh ee soundproof dors: He Mop on th couch here, Hecate the ua ‘uo apse cher) els you hit deam, you Took ou he window hee be ves, you wie him vp, burzin he net. Soon sine fo lc You go in hte, have uch wth the wif, or one of he id snd monde THE DINING ROOM 243stroll bick in here for a nap. More buzzes, more patients, and soon its time for a good easy cooperative supper with your family PSYCHIATRIST: But notin the dining room. ARCHITECT: No, Not ia the dining room. PSYCHIATRIST: This room has such resonance, ARCHITECT: So does a church, That doesn't mean we have to live init. PsvcHIATRIST: Mmm. ARCHITECT: Look, I know whereof I speak: I grew up ina room like cis, PSYCHIATRIST: Oh, yes? CHITECT: Oh sure. This is home turf to me. PSYCHIATRIST: Really, ARCHITECT: Oh God yes. My father sat in a chai just like that. PSYCHIATRISY: (Beginning to lookout the window.) Mmmm. ARCHITECT: And my mother sat here. And my sister here. And I sat right haere. (He sits.) Oh, i all comes back. PSYCHIATRIST: (Afer 4 pause.) Do you want to tell me about it? ARCHITECT: I was torture, that’ all. Those endless meals, waiting to begin, ‘waiting for the dessert, wating to be excused so they coulda lean on you any more. PSYCHIATRIST: Almost by rote.) Wes ie that bad? ARCHITECT: Man, it was brutal. I remember one time I came to the table without washing my hands, and my father— (He steps) PSYCHIATRIST: Go on. ARCHITECT: (Snapping out oft, geting up.) Never mind. The point is, Doctor, its time co ge rd of this room. (He begins to roll up his plans.) Tell you frankly, 'm not interested in screwing atound with any more maid's rooms. can do that in my sleep, (Peggy somes out of he kitchen, carying large tray, loaded with paper plates, napins, hats, and favors for a children’s birthday party She begins to set the ble) ARCHITECT: What I want isthe chance to ge in here, so I can open up your whole ground floor! Now what do you say? PSYCHIATRIST: [ll have ro think about i ARCHITECT: OLK. Fine. Take your time. (Hl starts out) Tell you what. 1) send you my bill forthe work I've done so Far ovctaraist: Good. And I'l send you mine. (They are out. Peggy, meanwhile, i finishing seting the birthday table. She surveys it then goes tothe doorway. right, and calls of) veccr: All sight, Children! Were ready! 244 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983, (She is almost bowled over by a meting sbricking mob of children coming into celebrate the birthday par'y. They seream, yell. scramble over charg rab for fvors worse, whatever. Peggy elas her bands frantcaly) ecey: Children, children, CHILDREN! (They subside a lide) PEGGY: This is a dining room! This is not the monkey house atthe 200! (They all stare imitating monet. Peggy shouts them down.) Fecoy: Allright then, I'l just have co tal Roberta in all the ice cream and cake (The noite subsides. There is silence.) POG: Good. Thats much bette. Now T want everyone to leave th table...quiety, QUIETLY. " (The children begin to eave) PEGGY: And go into the hall, and then come back in hete in the righe wa That it Go out. Tarn sound Ard eome in. Con in wpe ne yout mummies and daddies coming into a lovely dinner party. (Children come back in much more ‘ceo mont ‘heir parent.) PEGGY: No, no. Lee Winkie go fist the kitchen to put away unconsciously parodying since ies her birthday and she's che hose ‘That it God. Good. You stat te head of he able Wakes Good...No, no? Billy, you sic next to Winki..¢ should be boy gi boy-gid...Tha’ it. Yes. Very good — (Children are making a concerted effort tobe gente, though there are ocee- sional subvenive poking, hitting, and gigling:) 7eGG¥: Now whac do we do with our napkin them and ruck chem under our chins has Yes, Exactly, We unfold ‘And then we pur on our party ALITTLE BOv: (Namied Brewater,) Can the boys wear their hats in the house? PEGGY: Yes they can, Brewster, because this isa special occasion. And some: times on special occasions, the rules can change, (Children explode. Rayt Yippee! Peggy has t0 shout them down.) PEGGY: I said sometimes. And I meant some of the rules. ANOTHER LITTLE Bov: (Named Bly: pointing toward the hall) There's my mn ys pointing the hall) Theres my PEGGY: (Quickhi) Where, Billy? (Ted comes on from the ball she tries Peccy: Oh. Hi TED: Hi. (Waves to son.) Hi, Bill. 12 be carual) THE DINING ROOM 245(Party activity continues, the children opening favors, Peggy and Ted move dounstage to get away from the nove) recy: What brings you here? TED: Have to pic up Bl pecov: I thought Judy was picking him up. TED: She asked me to, acc: You're alittle early. We havent even had our :ake. ‘TED: She told me to be early (A Lisle Gin all from the table.) ALITTLE GIRts (Named Sandra: fusing with favor) I cai gee mine to work PEGGY: Help her, Brewster. Litle boys ae supposed to help litle gies ED: Wheres Frank? ec6v: Playing golf, Where else? ‘eb: On Winkie’ bicthday? recy: Dont get me started. Please (Winkie call from the head of the table) amit: Can we have the ice cream now, please. peccr:In a minuce, deat. Be patent. Then youll have something 0 look for- ward to. (The childven whisperingly begin to count to sists) reD: Judy must have known hed be playing golf eGGr: Judy knows everything ‘TED: She knows about us, atleast, recov: About us? Ho TED: She said she could tell bythe way we behaved vecGr: Behaved? Where? ‘rep: At the Bramwells dinner party eccy: We hardly spoke to each other ED: That's how she could tll. ; (The childrens counting has surmed into a chani: “We want ice cream! We eccy. They want ice cream, (She starts for che kitchen.) 1: (Holding her arm.) She says shell fight it, tooth and sail pecGy: Fight whar? We haverit done anything rab: She wants to nip icin the bud. ‘CHILDREN Ice eveam! Tee cream! veccy; All right, children. You win. (Cheers from children.) 246 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 197 PeGGy: Now Roberta is very busy in the kitchen because she also has a din her party tonight, So who would like to help bring things out? (Hands up, squeale: "Me! Met) PEGGY: All right. Tell you what. Billy, you get the ice cream, and Sandra, you bring out the cake! : (Ray! Yippee!) roey: Careful, careful! Walk, don’t run! And be polite to Roberta because she’s working very hard. And Brewster and Winkie, you'll have other responsibilities! (Sandra and Billy go out into he kitchen.) EGGy: For instance, Brewster: when Billy and Sandra reappear through that door, what will you do? (Long pause.) BREWSTER: Sing the song, rGGY: Good, Brewster. Now be very quiet, and watch that door, and as soon as they come out, start singing (The children watch the door. Peggy buries back to Ted) PeGGy: So what do we do ‘TED: She says she’s inking of reling her father about us. PEGGY: Her father? TED: Hed fire me. Immediately. veco¥: Wha ihe did? TED: Td be out of a job, Pegg Feacv: You could get anothe TED: Where? Doing what (The dining room door opens. Bily and Sandra come out carefily carving «cake plawer and an ice exam bool. Everyone starts singing a birthday sng, probably out of tune. Peggy helps them along. Billy puas che cake down in frome of Winkie, who takes a deep breath to blow out the candle) 8661: No, no, sweetheart, Wait. Always wait, Before you blow out he can dles, you have to make a wish, And Mummy has to make a wish. See? ‘Muramy is putting hee wedding ring around one of the candles. Now we both close our eyes and make a wish ‘wINktE: I wish I could have— PscGy: No, no. Don't tell. Never tell a wish, Ifyou do, it won't come true. All right. Now blow: (Winkie blows out “he candle.” The children cheer) FEGGv: Now Winkie, would you cut the cake and give everyone a piece please, And Brewster, you pass the ice team, THE DINING ROOM 247(The children organize thei fod at Peggy joins Ted downstage. There is a ind of cooing bum of children eating which puncuates ther dialogue) rep: What did you wish for recov: Worrell rep: Do you think ie wil come true rEGcy: No. (Pewe,) “ep: Sheld make ic so messy. For everyone racer: Ju TED: Shed make i impossible, eccy: So would Frank. TED: I thought he didn’ care recGr: Hed cae iit were messy. (Pause) TED: We could leave town, PEGG¥: And go where? ‘TED: Wherever [find another job. vEccr: Yes ‘ep: Ive got an uncle in Syracuse PEGGY: Syracuse? ‘ep: We could live there, EGG: I ic nice? Syracuse? Te: I think ison some lake recy: Syracuse ‘eo: Yould have Winkie. I'd get Bill in the sures 866%: In Syracuse. rep: At leat weld be fice. (They lok a tei children.) reccy: Winkie, wipe your mouth, please. (She ges Winkie.) rep: Billy. suv: Whae? ‘TED: Would you come here a minute, plese? (Billy doe. Tid takes him aside.) rep: Do you have o go the bathroom? Ly: No. rep: Then dont do thas, please siuay: Donic do wha? ‘ep; You know what. Now go back and enjoy the party. (Billy rerurm tn hic nat. Ted rejoins Peggy) 248 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 TED: Sorry. eGov: I grew up hee. rep: Who didat? EGY: To just pick up stakes Te: Tknow PEGGY: I mean this is where I ie TeD: Me, too, (Touching he.) Well just have to behave ourselves, then peccy: Oh Ted | TED: Be good ltl children PEGGY: Oh Tan stand it. (She ake his hand and press it furtively ther lip) ‘TED: And if wer seated next to cach othet, well have to make a conscious effort. PEGGY: Oh we work be seated next co each other, Judy will ee to that. TED: For a while any way EGGY: For quit a while. (The children are geting nosy. Winkie comes up.) ‘WINKIE: Everyone’ finished, Mammy. recov: Thank you, sweetheart ‘WaNete: And here’ your ring. From the cake GGY: Good for you, dasling! I forgot all about i! (She puts the ring back on.) TED: Time to go, then? PrGcr: I've planned some games. rep: Want me to stay recey: Ie would help ep: Thea I'l say EGGY: (To children) Into the living room nove, children. For some games BREWSTER: What games? Peccy: Oh all kinds of games! Blind Man's Bluff. Pin the Tail on the Donkey ‘CHILDREN: Yippee! Yay! (The children run noiily Offtage) (Peagy begins puting the mes back onto the tay) ‘rep: I'l get them started, PEGGY: Would you? While I propitiate Roberta TED: I'l be the donkey, PEGGY: Oh stop, TED: I'l be the ass PeGcy: Stop of Ill scream. (He is about ois her over the tray when Winkie appears at the door They break away) THE DINING ROOM 249wine: Come on, Mummy! Were waiting! FecGy: Wee coming, deat, (Winkie divappears into the hall. Ted and Peggy go off diffrent ways as a Grande enters from the ball He is about eighty. He sts atthe head of the table, as 4 maid, Dora, comes out ofthe itchen and begins to seta place 1m front of bum. Afier a moment, is grandion Nick breathlesly appears in the doorway from the hall. He is about thirteen or fourteen.) NiCK: (Ponting frightened.) Grampa? GRANDFATHER: (Looking up.) Which one are you? nick: I'm Nick, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: And what do you want? ick To have lunch with you, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: Then yout late ick: I went down to the club. GRANDFATHER: Who said I'd be atthe club? NICK: My parents. My parents said you always eat there. GRANDFATHER: Lately I've been coming home Nick: Yes i GRANDFATHER: Don't know half the people at the club any more. Rather be haere. At my own table. Dora takes care of me, don't you, Dora? DORA: Yes, sit. GRANDFATHER: (To Nick.) Well you tracked me dawn, anyway. That shows some enterprise. (Indicates a place.) Bring him some lunch, Dora ora: Yes, siz. (She goes out.) ICK: (Sising opposite him atthe other end of the sable.) Thank you, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: So you‘te Nick, eh? ick: Yes. Lam. GRANDFATHER: You the one who wants to go to Europe this summer? ick: No, that’s Mary: That's my cousin. GRANDFATHER: You the one who wants the automobile? Says he can't go 10 college without an automobile? ‘sick: No, that’s my brother Tony, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: What do you want then? Ick: Oh I don't really wane. GRANDEATHER: Everyone who sits down with me wants something, Usually its money. Do you want money? wick: Yes, sit GRANDFATHER: For what? ick: My education, Gramp. 250 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME Il 1974-1983 ‘GRANDFATHES: Education, ch? That’ a good thing. Or can be. Doesnt have to be, Can be a bad thing. Where do you want to be educated? NICK: Saint Luke's School, in Litchfield, Connecticut GRANDFATHER: Never heard of i Nick: Its an excellent boarding schoo! for boys. (GRANDFATHER: Is it Catholic? ‘ick: I dont chink so, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: Sounds Catholic to me. Nick: I think ies igh Episcopalian, Grarp. (GRANDFATHER: Then it's expensive NICK: My parents chink its a first-rate school, Gramp. ORANDFATHER: Ah. Your parents think. NicK: Theyive discussed all the boarding schools, and decided that ths is the best GRANDFATHER: They decided, eh? NICK: Yes, sit GRANDFATHER: And then, they decided you should get your grandfather to pay for it NICK: Yes, i (Dora has renamed, and st place mat and a pla (GRANDFATHER: Another one leaving the nest, Dora DORA: Yes, sit. (She waits by the sideboard.) GRANDFATHER: And taking a piece of the nest epg DORA: Yes, sit. for Nick.) (GRANDFATHER: Why don't you stay home? ! NICK: Me? (GRANDFATHER: You. NICK: Oh, Because I want to broaden myself GRANDFATHER: You want to what? Nick: I want to broaden my horizons. My horizons need broadening GRANDEATHER: I see, NICK: And I'll meet interesting new friends, (GRANDFATHER: Dont you have any interesting friends here? NICK: Oh sure, Gramp, (GRANDFATHER: I do, I have interesting friends right here. [know a man who ‘makes boats in his basement. i siex: Bur. GRANDFATHER: I know a man who plays golf with his wife, THE DINING ROOM 251DICK: Buc I'l meee different rypes, Gramp. From all over the country. New York...Califoria GRANDFATHER: Why would you want to mect anyone from New York? ‘ick: Well theyre more sophisticated, Gramp. Theyll buff me up. ‘GRANDFATHER: They'll wha? ick: My mother says I need buffing up. ‘GRANDEATHER: Do you think he needs buffing up. Dora? DORA: No, st. (GRANDFATHER: (To Nick) Dora doesnt think you need buffing up. I dosit think you need buffing up. You'll have co give us better reasons sstex: Um, Well. They have advanced Latin there. (GRANDFATHER: I see, And? NICK: And an indoor hockey rink (GRANDFATHER: Yes, And? ‘w1cx: And beautiful grounds and surroundings. “Gnanipraitn: Donte we? Donit we have beautiful surroundings? Why do we have to go away to have beautiful surroundings? ick: I don't know, Gramp. All T know is everyone’ going away these days. GRANDFATHER: Everyone’ going away? Hear that, Dora? Everyone's going away ick: (Desperately) An awtul lor of people are going away! (Pawe) GGRANDEATHER: I didnt go away. nick: I know, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: Didnt even go to Country Day. Went to the old PS. 36 down fon Huron Street nick: Yes, Gramp. GRANDFATHER: Didhit finish, either. Father died, and I had co go co work: Had to support my mother cx: I know that, Gramp, GRANDFATHER: My father didnt go co school at all. Learned Greek ar the plow CK: You told us, Gramp, GRANDFATHER: Yes well I didn’t do too badly. Withour 2 high Episcopal boarding school, and an indoor hockey rink. tex: But you're a selémade man, Gramp. (GRANDFATHER: Oh is that what Iam? And what are you? Dorit you want 9 be self-made? Or do you want other people to make you? Hmmm? Hmmm? What've you got to say to that? 252 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME I! 1974-1983 Nick: Spuashed.) I dont know. GRANDFATHER: Everyone wants to go away. Me? I went away twice. Took two ‘cations in my lf, Firs vacation, tok a week off fiom work to many your grandmother. Went ro Hot Springs, Virginia. Bought this able Second vacation: Europe. 1928. Again with your grandmother. Hated the place. Knew I would, Miserable meals. Took a teunkload of shred ded wheat along, Came back when it ran out. Back to this able. (se) Theyre all leaving us, Dora. Scattering like birds Dona: Yes, si. GRANDFATHER: Were small potatoes these days. DORA: Yes, si, ‘GRANDFATHER: This one wants t0 go to one of those fancy New England ining hss Hen yin do ak he from Long Island and Philadelphia. Hell come home talking with mar- bles in his mouth, We wort understand a word, Dora ona: Ye, st. ‘GunpratHER: And we wonit see much of him, Dora. Hell go visiting in New York and Baltimore: Hell drink liquor in the atenoon and get mixed up with women who wear lipstick and trousers, and whose only thought is che next dance, And he wants me to pay forall. Atal right? ick: No, Gramp! No I don't T donit want to go! Really! I never wanted to go! I want ro stay home with al of you! GRANDFATHER: Finish your greens. They‘ good for your lower intestine (Th sents Fm lf man aed Pal etre Hsin is i ‘hires and wears a sweater, He stars carefully examining the dining oom Shas ge Uf ne by ne ming pe a eg ‘heir sengib, Finally: with a sgh; to Nick) GRANDFATHER: No, You go. You've goto go ll send you to Saint Whoozies and Besy Miss Whatsies and young Andy to whateverit'-caled ‘And Mary can go to Europe this summer, and Tony can have a car and its all fine and dandy. " (He ges slowly zo his foe. Nick ges up too) GRANDFATHER: Go on. Enjoy yourselves, all of you. Leave town, travel, see the world. If bound to happen. And you know who’ going to be sit- ting hee when you get back? I'l tll you who'll be siting righe in that chait. Some lish fll, some Jewish gentleman is going tobe sitting right at this able. Saying the same thing to his grandson. And your grandson will be back av the plow! (Stars out the door, stops, turns.) And come to think oft, that won't be a bad thing cither. Will t, Dora? THE DINING ROOM 253DORA: No, sir. (Hl exits. Dora sears clearing off. Nick stands in che dining room.) ow: Well, go on, Hurry. Bring him his checkbook before he falls asleep. (Nick hurries off right, Dora goes of with plates lefi. Pal begins to check the table. A Woman, about forty call her Margery appears in the hall doorway. ‘She watches Paul.) MARGERY: What do you think? PAUL: (Working over a chair) You'e in trouble. ance’: Oh dea. I knew it "AVL: e's becoming unglued MARGERY I know the fling, xv: Coming aparc athe seams MARGERY: Do you think it’s hopeless? av: Let me check the table. (He ows under the abl MARGERY I shakes very badly. I ad a few fiends over che other night, and every time we tried to cut our chicken, our water gasses started tinkling frantically. And the chais creaked and groaned. It was like having din ner at Pompei aL: (Taking ou a pocker kif) Tin checking the joints here MARGERY: Is all very sad. How things run down and fll apart. used to tll my husband—my echusband—we have such lovely old things. We should oil them, we should wax them, we should keep them up. But of course I couldnt do everything, and he wouldsit do anything, and now here you ate to give us the coup de grace avs (Sill under table.) Hey look a this, angen: What? aut: Look under here MaRGER I done dare >avL: Tm serious. Look sane: Wait ill I put om my glasses. (She pus on her lases which are bang ing from a chain around ber neck; then she Bends down discret) Where? Teant see abt: Under here. Look. This support. See how loose this is? MARGERY: [can't quite... Wait. (She gets down on her ees.) PAUL: Came on, MARGERY: Allright. (She entwls under the sable.) PAUL: See? Look at eis suppor MARGERY: I see. Ir wiggles like mad. (They are both crating around under the table now.) 254 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 UL: (Grawing around ber) And look over there. I'l have to put a whole new piece in over here. Se? This is gone. MARGERY: (Looking) Ise. aut: (Gruling back) And...excuse me, plesse...his pedestal is loose Probably needs anew dowel It have to ceam it out and putin another MARGERY: Do you thin so? aU: Oh sure. In face your whole dining room needs to be r-screwed, €- slued, and re-newed. (His litle joke, He comes out fom under) MARGERY: Hmmmm, (She i will under the sable) aut: What’ the matter? MARGERY: I've never been under a table before. PAUL: Oh yeah? MARGERY It's all ust...wood under hee, inti? au: That's al iis MARGERY: (Facinated)T mean yould think a dining coom table was some- thing special, But it isnt, underneath, Teall just..wood, Ie’ just a cou ple of big, wide...board aut: That’ righ MARGERY: (eering,) Whar’ this, here? ravt: Whats what? MARGE Well youll have to come back under here, ro see. There’ some writing here, burned into the wood. PAUL: (Crawling under.) Where? MARGERY: Right hete. (She reads, carefdly) “Freeman's Furnicure. Wilkes Barre, Pa. 1898.” PAUL: (Under the able.) Oh thats the manufacturer's mark MARGERY: 1898? PAUL: That’ what ic says, MARGERY: But chars not s0 old, PAUL: Not if ie was made in 1898. MARGERY: Thae’s not old at all. I'S mot even an antique. (Pauwe,) les just...American, PALL: There's a lot of these around. They used to crank them out, at the end. of the 19ch century MaRGexY: Now; aren't I dumb? For years, weve been thinking it's terribly valuable PAUL: Well itis, in a sense. Its well made, Its a solid serviceable copy: Based. ‘on the English MARGERY: Well Ill be darned. You learn something every day. THE DINING ROOM 255(They are both siting side by sie, under the table. She looks at him.) sancents You know a lot about furniture, dont you? aUt: I'm beginning to. ‘Manceav: Beginning to. 'l bet your father was acabinetmaker or something, aU My father was a banker, MARGERY: A banker? AUL: And L was stockbroker. Until I got into ths, saances I done believe i. PAUL: Sure. I decided I wanted to se what I was doing, And touch it. And see the results, So took up carpentry. MARGERY: I am amazed. I mean, I know some stockbrokers. (Emsbarrased ‘pause. She loks atthe strut) 1 this the suppor thar’ bad? Pat: That’ the one -ManceRY: What if you put a nail in here? avis Not a mal. A sere ance: (Grauling over him.) Allright. And another one over here. Or at least some houschold cement. aut: Well, chey have these eposy glues now. MARGERY Allright. And maybe cram a matchbook or something in here. aut: Not a matchbook. MARGERY: A wedge then. A wooden wedge PAUL: Good idea. MARGERY: See? I can do it to. (inher insensiry she has gotten very close to him physically. They both sud dey realize i, and move away raling out from under the table om ether side, and brushing themselves off) MARGERY: So, Well. Will you be taking the table away? Or can you ficit here? aut: [can fix it here. Ifyou want. ‘MARGERY: That might make more sense. My husband used to ask for writen cstimates. Materials and labor. aut: Ill write one up. MARGERY: Suppose I helped. On the labor. PAUL: T've never worked that way. MARGERY I should lear. I shouldnt beso helpless. aul: O.K, Why noe MARGERY: Besides, is not an antique. [FT make a mistake, its not the end of the world, is ie aut: Nor at al anceRv: When could we start? 256 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 PAUL: Today. Now, ifyou want ances: Then wee a patie, rent we? We should ave rink tcl Pat: OK. (From off righ, we hear voices singing the Thanksgiving hymn: “Come Ye Thankfil People, Come”) MARGERY: What'll we have? Something snappy? Like a martini? aUL: No, I gave them up with the stock market. How about a beer? MARGERY: Fine idea. Good, sold beet. If Tve got it (hey go aff int the kitchen, as Naney in ber thirties, comes out, carrying sac ef plan acarvin ie and fr. Shel bach oe bers awer: I've gor the plates, Mrs. Driscoll. You've got your hands fll with thae turkey, (She see the plates and carving wtensile atthe head of the table and «als toward the hall.) We'e ready, everybody! Come on in! (The singing continues a: @ Family begin to come into the dining room, 19 celebrate Thanksgiving dinner, The oldest som Stuart bas his Mother on bis arm, She i a very vague, very old Old Lady) Starr... low, Mother, I want you to sit next to me, and Fred, you sit on ‘Mother’ left, and Ben, you sit opposite her where she can see you, and Nancy and Beth hold up that end of the table, and there we ar. (Geni chawer as everyone sts down. The n0o Sons push in their Mother's chair. fier a moment the Old Lady sends up again, looks around disract- edly) stung: What's the matter, Mother? OLD LADY: Im not quite sure where T am. STUART: (Expansively; arm arownd ber; seating her again.) You're here, Mother Jn your oven dining room. This is your table, and here are your chairs, and here is te china you got on youe tip o England, and here's the si. verhandled carving knife which Father used to use. (Ot LADY: Oh yes. (Genial laughter; ad-libbing: “Shei alittle tred..s ben along day..." The Old Lady gets up again.) ‘OLDLADY: But who are these people? m not quite sure who these people are. (She begins to wander around the room.) STUART: (Following her around.) e's me, Mother: Stuart. Your son. And here's Fred, and Ben, and Nancy, and Beth. We'e all here, Mother, awe: (Going into the kitchen.) ger the wey. That might help her focus stuart: Yes. (To Old Lad.) Mes. Driscoll is here, Mother. Right in the THE DINING ROOM 257kitchen, where she's always been. And your grandchildren. All your grandchildren were here, Dontt you remember? They ate first, at the children’s table, and now they're out in back playing touch football. You watched cher, Mather. (He indicates the French door.) ou Laby: Oh yes (She sits down again atthe other end af be table. Nancy comes out from the Iitchen, carrying a large platter Appropriate Obs and AB fom Group.) sruant: And look, Mother. Here's Nancy with the curkey...Put it right over there, Nancy...See, Mother? Isnt it a beautiful bird? And T'm going to carve it use the way Father did, and give you a small piece ofthe breast and a dab of dressing, just as always, Mother. (He sharpens the carving nif ofciowty) ‘ovo LADY: (Sill staring ou into the garde.) Justa aways sTuaRT: (As he sharpen.) And Fred will have the drumstick—-am I right, Fred?—and Beth gets the wishbone, and Ben ends up with che Popes rose, an I right, Ben? (Genial in-goup leuger,) YANCY: Save some for Mis, Driscoll stun [always do, Nancy. Mrs. Driscoll ike the second joint ‘ob LADY: This al very nice, but I think Ta like co go home. Tuan: (Peien, a be care.) You are home, Mother. Youve lived here filer yess BEN: Bify-foue beri: Forever. STUART: Ben, pas this plate down to Mother COLD LADY: (Geting up.) Thank: you very much, bu I relly do chink i ime tog. Nancy: Uh-oh STUART: (Going w her) Mosher. eri: Oh dea. tp tap¥: Will someone drive, me home, please? [live at eighteen Summer Sereet with my mother and sisters. eves: What will we do? sTuant: (Going 1 Old Lady.) Ws not there now, Mother. Don't you remem- ber? We drove down. There’ a big building there now. OLD LADY: (Holding out her band.) Thank you very much for asking sme... Thank you for having me to your house, (She begins to go around the table, thanking people.) ss: Mother! Is Fee! Vou son! 258 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 OLD aby Isnt thar nice? Thank you. I've had a perfectly lovely time Thank you... Thank y hh. (She shake cou so much. (She shakes hands with Nancy) lee been absolutely lovely... Thank you, thank you ~ STUART: Quickly. Let’ sing to her BETH: Sing? STUART: She likes singing. We used , used 10 sing «0 her whenever sheld gee upset. .Fred, Bea. Quickly. Over here. , OLD LADY: (Wandering distracted around.) Now I cant find my gloves. Where would my gloves be? I cant go out without my gles BEN: What song? I cart remember any of the songs. Tuan: Suce you can. Come on. Hmmm. (He sounds a note. The other try 0 find their pare.) oe 8 86D: Hmmm OLD LADY: I need my gloves, T need my hat. sTuaKr: (Singing) “As the blackbird inthe spring, OTHERS: (fining in) 'Neath the willow tree. Sat and piped, I heard him sing, Sing of Aura Lee. (They sing in pleasans, amateurish, corny h nateurish, corny harmany. The Old Lady ape fis en: (Singing) Aura Lee, Aura Lee, Maid of Golden Haie...Sunshine came along with thee, and svallows in the si” OLD LAY: I love music. Every person in our family could play a different inseument (She sits in a char along the walt, downsage right) STUART: (To is brother) She's coming around. Quickly. Second ve MEN: (Singing with more confidence now more daring hermony,) “In thy blush the rose was born, weer Music, when you spake, Through thine azute eye the mora Spatkling seemed to break Aura Lee, Aura Le, Maid of Golden Haie, Sunshine came along with thee, and swallows in the an” (They hold along note a the end. The Old Lady claps. Eve OLD LADY: That was absolutely lovely. a STUART: Thank you, Mother OLD LaDe: Bur now I've simply got vo go home. Would you cal go home. Would you cll my cata please? And someone find my bat and glove Issey le andy mother gets very nervous if I'm not home in time for tea. ( the hall) for tea. (She heads for THE DINING ROOM 259STUART: (To no one in particular.) Look, Fred, Ben, we'll drive her down, and show her everything, The new office complex where her house was. The entrance to the Thruway. The new Howard Johnson's motel. Everything! ‘And shell see thar nothing’ there at al ‘RED: I'll bring the car around, STUART: Fl ge her coat, sew: Im coming, t00 STUART: Well just have co go through the motions. (The brothers hurry aftr their mother. Nancy and Beth are left alone onstage. Pause. Then they begin to stack the dishes) ane: That’ scary vert I know it NANCY: I suddenly feel so..precarious 1eTH: It could happen to us al. NANCY: No, but its as if we didnt exist. As if we were alljust...ghosts, or something. Even her own sons. She walked right by them, ‘ETH: And guess who walked right by w. NANCY: (Glancing off) Yes... (Pause,) Know what Tike? seri: What? NANCY: A good stif drink. sere: I'm with you. ‘NANCY: I'll bet Mes. Driscoll could use a drink, to. BETH: Bet she could NANCY: (Deciding.) Lets go out and ask hee! beT#: Mrs, Driscoll? NaN: Let’ (Passe) bert Allright. NANCY: Lets go and have a drink with Mrs, Driscoll, and chen dig into this turkey, and help her with the dishes, and then figure out how to get through the rest ofthe goddamn day! (They go off into the kitchen. The table is clear, the dining room is empsy) End of Act I 260 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 re ACT Il The dining room is empty The light sugests that iis about three in the afer ‘noon. Afier a moment, a Girls voice is heard of right rom the fron ball. Ginu's voice: Mom? MOM? Anybody home? (Silence; then more soft) See? 1 told you. She isnt here. (Sarah appears in the doorway, with Helen behind her.) BELEN: Where is she? SARAH: She works. Ata boutique. Four days a week, And my father’s away on business, In Arlanta. Or Denver or somewhere. Anyway. Come on, Tl show you where they keep the liquor. ELEN: My mom’ always there when T get home from school. Always Sarat: Bummer HELEN: And if she isnt, my grandmother comes in. SARart: The liquor’ in the pantry. (Sarah goes out trough kitchen door, lef. Helen stays in the dining room.) HELEN: (Tiking in the dining room.) Oh. Hey. Neat, SARAH'S VOICE: (From within.) What? ELEN: This room, SARAH'S VOICE: (Over clinking of liquor bole.) That's our dining room, HELEN: I know. But it's viciously nice, ‘SARA: (Coming out of kitchen, carrying two bottles.) Which do you want? Gia or vodka? HELEN: (Wandering around the room.) You decide, Sanazts (Looking at bot.) Well theres more gin, so its less chance theyll HELEN: Gin, then, ‘saRalt: But the reason there's more gin is that I put water in ie last week. ELEN: Vodka, then SARAH: Tell you what, We'll mix in a litle of both. (She goes into the kitchen.) HELEN: O.K.,.Do you we this room. SARAH: Oh sure HELEN: Special occasions, huh? When the relatives come to visit? SARAH'S VOICE: Every night HELEN: Every NIGHT? SARAH'S voice: Well a least every night they're both home. HELEN: Really? SARAH: (Coming in, carrying so glases.) Oh sure. Whenever they'e home, THE DINING ROOM 261‘my father insists that we all eat in the dining room at seven o'clock, (Hand: Helen her drink,) Here. Gin and vodka and Fresca. The boys are bringing the pot HRLEN: (Drinking,) Mmmm...It must be nice, eating here sanatt Slouching in @ chai.) Oh yeah sure you bet. We have ro lug things cout, and lug things back, and nobody can begin till everything’ cold, and we're supposed to carry on a decent conversation, and everyone has to finish before anyone can get up, and ic sucks, if you wane to know: Ie sucks out loud (They drink.) HELEN: We eatin the kitchen. sanast; Can you watch TV while you ea? HELEN: We used to. We used to watch the local news and weather: saan: That’ something Ar lease you dont have to talk HELEN: But now we carit watch it, My mother read in Family Cirle that TV was bad at meals. So now we tuen on the stereo and listen to semi: classical music. SARAH: My parents said they tried cating in the kitchen when I went ro boarding school, But when I got Kicked out, they moved back in here. [es supposed to give me some sense of stability HELEN: Do you think it does? SARAH: Shi no! Ie just makes me nervous. They take the telephone off the hook, so no one can call, and my brother gets itchy about his homework, and when my sister had anorexia, she still had to sit here and watch, for God's sake, and my parents spend most of the meal bitching, and che whole thing bites, Helen. Ie really bics. I bites the big one. Want another? HELEN: No thanks. SARAH: I do... You call the boys and tell chem it all clea, (Sarah goes back into the kitchen.) THELEN: (Calling toward kitchen.) Sara. SARAK'S VOICE: (Within,) What? HELEN: When the boys come over, can we have our drinks in here? ries, comes, out. She carries small tay con (Rate, a woman in ber mid: taining a teapot, noo teacups, sugar and creamer. She sts at the able and swatches the teapot.) SARAH'S VOICE: (Within.) In the dining room? HELEN: I mean, wouldn't it he cool, sitting around this shiny table with Eddie and Duane, drinking gin and Fresca and vodka? sanatt: (Coming out from the kitchen.) No way. Absolutely no way. In here? 262 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 Td ger all up tight in here. (She headk for she hall) Now come on. Let's call them. (Helen rare afer her.) SARAH: Having boys in the dining room? Jesus, Helen. You really are a wimp eo £0 out, righs, Helen looking back over her shoulder at the dining ate: (Calling toward hallway.) Ym in here, Gordon. I made tea. (Gordon comes in from hall He is about her age. He is buswoning bis shirt, carrying bis jacket and sie slung over his shoulder.) coRDON: Tea? are: Tea GORDON: Why tea? kar Because [like it. [love it. (Pause,) Or would you like a drink? GORDON: No thanks, KATE: Go ahead. Dont worry about me, I'm allover that. We even have it in the house, and I never touch it. GORDON: No thanks, Kate até: Then have tea. Its very good. It's Earl Gray. GORDON: I ought to be getting back, ATE: Gordon, please, Have tea, Pause.) CORDON: All right. KATE: Thank you. (She begins to pour him a cup.) GORDON: (Ironically) Tea in the dining room. KATE: Where else? Should we huddle guilily over the kitchen table? GORDON: No. ATE: Then tea in the dining room... What would you like? Lemon or milk? orDow: Whatever KATE: Gordon, GORDON: Milk, then. No sugar. KATE: Milk icis, (She bands him a ewp.) Well sit down, for heaven's sake, GoRDON: (Nor sitting.) I thought I heard a sound, Kate: Oh really? And what sound did you hear? A distant lawn mower? A. fauley burglar alarm? GORDON: I thought I heard car. kate: What? A car? On ehis godt dow? Cheer? Wave flags? GORDON: Go easy, Kate saken stree? Should we rush ro the win- THE DINING ROOM 263KATE: Well I doubt very much that you heard a car. GORDON: (Listening. Te stopped. ATE: The sound? GORDON: The car. The car stopped. ; KATE: All right, Gordon. You heard a car stop. But its not Ed's car, is i? Because Ed, 28 you and | well know, is in Amsterdam, or Rotterdam, ot damn until next Tuesday. (Reaching for his hand.) Now sit who-gives down, Please, Let's have tea, for heavens sake. (Ht sits on the edge of his chai.) ati: Now when can we meet again? GORDON: (Jumping up.) Ubeard a car door slam. KATE: Oh really, That’ because cars have doors. And people when they get really frustrated feel like slamming them. GORDON: I'm going, KATE: I see how itis —a quick tumble with the bored wife of your best friend. GORDON: Someone’ at the front doot. KATE: No. GORDON: Yes. Someone with a key! ‘Ganon gga ov bat os wise alng rm heal) ‘Cin teri vew from righ He abou evenee, cris a debg (Kate embraces him. He looks at Gordon.) 264 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 GoRDON: Hi, Chris, ‘aTE: Bur what brings you home, my love? I expected you Saturday. Hats: T got honors, kare: Honors? (CHRIS You get two days early if you gee an over-eighty-five average ATE: Buc then you should have telephoned. ‘cris: I wanted co surprise you. (Puce) GORDON: T ought to go. kare: Nonsense. Have more tea, Chris, would you like tea? I was taking a ‘nap, and Gordon stopped by, and we thought weld have tea. Have some tea, deae. Or a Coke. Have a Coke. Or shall I get you a beer? How about a beer for a big boy who gets honors ccHRIs: No, thanks, conDon: Ti really becter go. KATE: You wont have more tea ‘GORDON: Cant, Sorry. Kare: Allright, then. Good-bye GORDON: (Shaking hands with ber stif,) Good-bye...Good-bye, Chris. (He aries to shake hands with Chris.) ‘CHRIS: (Tiaing away) Good-bye. (Gordon goes, quickly right. Kate starts to put the tea things back on the ay) kate: He wanted ro talk to me about stocks. I inherited some stock he thinks I should sell, and so he stopped by— cinis: Where's Dad? kare: He'sin Europe, darling, As I think I wrote you. He'll be home Tuesday (She darts forthe kitchen with the nay) ‘crus: Oks Mom, KATE: (Stopping, turning.) And what does that mean, pray tell? “Oh Mom, (He rurns away.) KATE: Ti like know, please, what that means? (He shakes his head.) KATE: [ happened to be having tea, Christopher. It happens to be a very old ccustom. Your grandmother used to have tea at this very table with this same china every aftemoon. All sores of people would stop by. All the time. Td come home from school, and there shel be. Serving tea. Its a delightful old custom, sweetheart (Hl start for the hal) THE DINING ROOM 265kart: Where are you going asked you a question please. We dons just walk (Chris walls tof be rom. Kate cal afer Chri) kare: Chris, Lam king to you. Tam king to you and [am your moth and the least you can doi. ; (She follows him out into the hal sl caying the ray A Young Man i pices of plooaphc equipment He bss , light meter He finds an area by chair which peas him. le calle tard st the room with his on Would ou mind seg up over hee Aunt Hare? Tanto petyou nthe lanes igh (hu rica a woman of eb cna rate qlitaring sont nr: Beaming prod) Cerin, Toy (he go whe be nd nes pus down hry and ise place be bl) Now 1 thought se this linen place max with aching spk, hat my husband who was had Your great unce—inherted fom his ster They have wo be washed and ironed by hand cer ime hee use (Sh place place mat be oa) sos A hn teh wih en ae ding presen by your geacgrandmother You se” The prog os Prt handle Kies Spoon wh tl bk. Al Wilamsburg pat sixty, appears atthe kitchen door, carry cern, This shouldbe polished at least every wo weeks (She zeta place as he photographs each item. She becomes mare and more at scronaAnd thn hid ait bute le. Alles iBone The nine ges ate ny Sen, ut the oles ad nga bonis re both Wate, None of ths foes inthe dhwaber, of course Il fa delat for degen (The pl ale Ser vor bpd) Zw Her OR jee Our side ofthe Emly ay ed fing bols beeen he sed and the es ronY: Would you show me how they worked? AUNT HARRIET: Cé (te AUNT HARRIET: You see the maid would take away the salad plate—like cainly, dear tue 0 snap pictures of her as se tas.) e puts a plate aside 10 her right.) And then she'd pue down the 266 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME Il 1974-1983 Finger bowls in front of us. Like this. (She does.) They would be filled ‘approximately halfway with cool water. And there might bea lite rose floating in ic. Ora sliver of lemon i [Now of course, wed have our nap- our lps—like this. (She ss down, shakes ont her napkin ps it ddireey in ber lap.) And then we'd dip our fingers inwo the finger bowl...genly gendly...and chen weld wigele chem and shake them out..and then dab chem on our napkins...and then dab ous lipe...then, oF course, the maids would rake them away. (She moves the finger bol ‘sid,) And in would come a nice sherbet or chocolate mouse! (She beams as the camera, at lass wed to it. He snaps her picture) ‘Thanks, Aunt Harriet. That was exile. (He begins to pack up his po- ‘ographic ear) AUNT HARRIET: Youte welcome. Now, Tony, dea; tll me again what all chs is for. I didn quite understand over che telephone. TONY: This isa classroom project. For Amherst. AUNT MARRUET: Oh, my. A project. (She stand up) In TON Anthropology, accually AUNT HARRIET: Anthropology. Heavens! (She start overwrites to her tay) ‘What does that have o do with this Towy: Well ou see wel studying the eating habits of various vanishing cul tures, For example, someone is talking about the Kikuyus of Northem Kenya. And my roommate is doing the Cree Indians of Saskatchewan And my professor suggested I doa slide show on us AUNT HARRIET: US TOM: The Wasps. Of Northessteon United Staes AUNT HARRIET: T see Tor what, pray el Ton: You can learn a los about a culture from how it eats AUNT HARRIET: (With increasing coldness.) Such as what? Toy: Well. Consider the finger bowls, for example. There you have an almost neurotic obsession with cleanliness, reflecting the guile which ‘comes withthe last sages of capitalism. Or notice the unnecessary accu mulation of glass and china, and the compulsion co display it. Or the subtle hint of aggression in those pistol-handled knives AUNT HARRIET: I think [Il ask you to leave, rony: Aunt Harter. AUNT HaRRIEL: I was going t0 invite you to stay for a cocktail but now I Tony; Please, Aunt Harriet. Tony. (He begins to gather up his equipment.) THE DINING ROOM 267AUNT HaRRUET: Outt Right now! Before I telephone long distance co your moched! (Tony backs toward the halloay.) AUNT HARRIET: Vanishing culcure, my eye! forbid you to mention my name in the classroom! Or show one glimpse of my personal property! And you can tel that professor of yours, I've got a good mind to drive up to ‘Amherst, with this pistol-handled butter knife on the seat beside me, and cut off his anchropological hall! (ony runs hurriedly from the room. Harriet returns to her tray proudly and arrest back into che kitchen, As she goes, an Older Man, called jim, comes in fom the ball, followed by hit daughter, Meg. He isin bis late sixties, she i about thirty) Mec: Where are you going now, Daddy? sist [think your mother might want a drink, MEG: She's reading co the children. JIM: Thats why she might want one. MEG: She wants no such ching, Dad. 1M: Then I want one, Mec: Now? Ids not even Five JM: Well then let's go see how the Red Sox are doing, (He stars back out, right) ‘Mec: Daddy, stop! hiv: Stop whae? MEG: Avoiding me. Ever since I artived, we havent been able to tak. sikt: Good Lord, what do you mean? Seems to me everybody's been talking continuously and simaultaneously from the moment you got off the plane ec: Alone, Daddy, T mean alone. And you know I mean alone. JM AU right. Well talk. (Sitr down.) Right here in the dining room. Good, place to talk, Why not? Macteeof fact, Pm kind of tired. It's been a long, day, IMEC: [love this room. I've always loved it. Always, yiM: Your mother and I still use it. Now and then, Once a week. Ms. Robinson still comes in and cook ws a nice dinner and we have it in here. Sil, Lamb chops. Broilers— Mec: (Sudden) 've left him, Daddy. JIM; Oh well now alte vacation ‘MEG: I've left him permanently JIM Yes, well, permanently isa very long word. 268 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 MEG: I cant live with him, Dad. We don't get along at all. JM: Oh well, you may think that now. Mec: Could we live here, Dad? si: Here? MEG: For a few months. JIN: With theee small children? MEG: While I work out my life, (Pause frm tabre out a pocket watch and locks at it) JIM: What time is ie? A litle after five, I think the sun is over the yardarm, donit you? Or if it ism, ic should be. I think ies almost permissible for you and me to have a litte drink, Meg. Me: Can we stay here, Dad? sim: Make us a drink, Meggie. MEG: All right. (She goes into the kitchen: the dor, ofcourse, remains open.) iat: (Calling o her, Va lke Scotch, sweetheart, Make it reasonably strong. Youll find the silver measuring gizmo in the drawer by the eras. T want ‘ovo shots and a splash of water. And [like to use that big glass with the pheasant on ic. And not too much ice, (He gets up and moves around the able) MEG’s VoICe: (Within) Allright 12M I saw Mimi Mott the other day...Can you hear me? MEc's Voce: (Within) T can hear you, Dad, JIM: There she was, being a very good sport with her third husband. Her third. Who's deaf as a post and extremely disagreeable. So 1 rook: her aside—can you hear me? MEG's Voice: (Within.) I'm listening, Dad, JIM: T took her aside, and I said, "Now Mimi, rll me the truth. If you had made half as much effore with your fitst husband as youve made with the last cwo, dontt you think youd still be married to him?” I asked her that, Point blank. And you know what Mimi ssid? She said, "Maybe.” ‘That's exactly what she said. “Maybe.” If she had made the effort. (Meg returns with two glaser. She gives one t» Jim.) ‘Mec: Thar's your generation, Dad, int That every generation MEG: Its not mine, Jl: Every generation has to make an effort. Me: I won’ go back to him, Dad. I want to be here, IM: (Looking at bis gla.) wanted the glass with the pheasant on it eG: [think che kids used it. THE DINING ROOM 269JIM: Oh. (Paae. He drinks, moves away fi Mes: So can we stay, Dad? JIM: [sleep in your room now. Your mother kicked me out because J snore. And we use the boys’ roam now to watch TV. MEG: I'l use the guest oom, sist: And the children? MEG: They can sleep on the third floor. In the maid's rooms. iM: We closed them off. Beceuse of che oil bills. MEG: I dont care, Dad. We'll work it out, Please (Pause, He sts down at the other end of the table.) ua Give it another try fist. MEG: No, yim: Another try. MEG: He's got someone else now, Dad. She's living there right now. Shes moved in. JIM Then fly back and kick her out MEG: Ob, Dad. jiv: 'm serious. You don't know this, but chac’s what your mother did. One time I became romantically involved with Mrs. Shoemaker. We took a litle tip together. To Sea Island. Your mother got wind of it, and came right down, and told Betry Shoemaker to get on the next train. That’ all there was to it, Now why don't you do thae? Go tell this woman to ped- dle her papers elsewhere, Well sit with the children while you do. MEG: I've gor someone too, Dad. Pause, JIM: You mean you've had a leele fling. Mec: I've been going with someone. sist: A liede fing MEG: [ve been living with him, si Where was your husband? MEG: He stayed with his gil Jikt: And your children? MEG: Oh they...came and went jivs Te sounds a litl...complicated. Te is, Dad. That’ why I needed to come home (Passe. He drinks) uiM: Now lees review ehe bidding, may we? Do you plan to marry this new Mec: No. 270. COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME Il 1974-1983 tc: No He ead marie yay. JIM: And he's decided he loves his wife. Mec: No JN: But youve decided you dot ove im JM Or your husband cs Yes rt And your husband ln in ove with someone ce us: He ves with someone ce Jn And your cle. gandhlde, come and go among shee va ios households ec: Ys, Sort of Yes Dh Sounds exemel complied Nc: es Dad evel ae, He dt, tn, ges up, paces) 1M Well chen ces me the Bi thing yu do i simpli shings. Thats the fishing, You athe man yout living with oleae, yout our husband for divorce, you hold onto your hos i in thei presene choos you~ ec: There someone de, Da Pane) fou keep the children JIM: Someone else? MEG: Someone else entirely JM: A third person, MEG: Yes ris Whac was chat movie your mother and I liked so much? The Third Man? (He sts, downseage lef.) MEG: Its not a man, Ded. Pause.) sit: Not a man, Mec: It a woman, yiM: A woman, ve been involved with awoman, Dad, but its not working, and I don't know who Tam, and I've got to ouch base, Daddy. I want to be here. (She kneels at bis feet.) (Pause Jim gets slowly tis fet. He points to his glass.) sikts I think Till gee a repair. Would you like a repair? I'll take your glass. I THE DINING ROOM 271get us both repairs. (He takes her glass and goes out tothe kitchen, leaving the door open.) MEG: (Moving around the dining room.) Yn all mixed up, Dad. Y'm all over the ball park. I've been seeing a Crisis Counselor, and I've taken a part time job, and I've been jogging two miles a day, and none of it’ work ing, Dad, I wanc to come home. I want 0 take my childeen to the Zoo, and the Park Lake, and the Are Gallery, and do all those things you and Mother used to do with all of us. I want co start again, Dad. I want to start all over again im comes ou fom the kitchen, now carrying three gases.) JM I made one for your mother. And I found the glass with the pheasant on it Inthe trash. Somebody broke i (He cross for the doorway right) So let's have anice cocktail with your mother, and see if we can get the chil- dren to si quietly while we do sec: You donit want us here, do you, Dad? 1M: Stopping.) OF course we do, darling, A week, ten days, You'te most wel eG: (Desperately) I cant go back, Dad! 50M: (Quiet) Neither can I, sweetheart. Neither can I. (He shuffles on out.) (Me stands fora moment in the dining room, then burries out after him as Emily, a woman of about thirty-five comes in and looks at she table) uit: (Disractedly) I dosit know whether to ea, or not (Her son David comes in. Hes about fourteen.) Davi: What the trouble, Mother? ty: I dont know whether to eat or not. Your father and I were sitting in the living room, having a perfectly pleasant cocktail together, when all of a sudden chat stupid telephone rang, and now he's holed up in the (She closes the kitchen door) bedroom, ealking aw: DAVID: Who's he calling co? uty: I don't know. I don't even know. I think its someone from the club (Claire, ber daughter, comes on. Shes about sixteen.) CLAIRE: Are we eating oF not? ruil I simply dont know, (Bertha, the Maid, sicks her head out of te kitchen door.) rutty: I don't know whether to go ahead or not, Bertha. Mr. Thatcher is still oon the telephone, ‘CLAIRE: Couldnt we at least stare the soup? eutty: I don’t know. I just dont know, Oh, let's wait five more minutes, Bertha 272, COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME Il 1974-1983 Dens Yes Me Cer dip: Ety Dvd nd Cli sit dun) Ss: Honey hae lephone! could ning hese sho it shouldbe ota, beven sh snd ng ight in the evenin ° he Ether omen bured fom te ball ts one dh) savor: Teor to go Ba (Standing up) Go? Go whee? aso: Out (Behe csi wid ip een.) fst You medn you cr even std and have sme of Be ice ery soup! Seaxoii easteven nish my cok Some 3 oct. Smching very ds happened ta Ba, wad you mind ey mach ping te wip hak swvcepan nd Kespngiton alow fame: Well aon what oon ‘BERTHA: Yes, Mrs. Hao oe (Bert ot, Si ae Emily aide, deuae of) fy: (the on) Now whaton carte ewe Suavoit: Heng was insted down the Bay nse CARE Fm the ble) Unde Henry STANDS (lnring Clin tr Eni) Binky Byes made rma the steam bath. aa Koki pa: Oh nl Diss Whee did he sy, Dad CLARE Yes, whe di ey? STAND bln Is speaking to your moth (Pause, The children are quelled) StaNDIS inky made remand eppuedy cppacny a mumber ofthe none members ghd. aor Henry nasso uch ad poco scat and lee. Ee called me om Moers sa Oh ooh STANDISH phoned she cb. poke rs people who had ee ia shan bh The oni he ne Id pak By yyers. He refused to come to the phone. And so I've got 8 Beek phone Andso ve got toca smching fate Oh dea ch deve Divo: Wont youl or wha edo Uncle Henry Dad StaNDIn will rt wl nod the ema by pening it DAVID: Oh come on, Dad. We're not babies. ° THE DINING ROOM 273nay: Yes, Standish, Really. staNpistt; He said— (Checks himself) Claire, I want you to leave the room. ccLarré: Why? I'm older. est: Yes, She should know: Everybody should know: These are different ines (Bertha comes out.) uy: Were not quite ready yet, Bertha (Bertha goes right back in.) uty: Naw go on, Standish, Be frank. This isa family. STANDISH: (Hestatingly: looking from one to the other.) Me. Byers...made an unfortunate remark...having to do with your Uncle Henry’...privat life (Passe. The children dons get it) sti [im aftaid you'l have to be more specifi, dear stanIst (Tekin a deep breath.) Mr. Byers, who had obviously been drink ing since early afternoon, approached your Uncle Henry in the steam bath, and alluded in very specific cerms to his personal relationships. caine: What personal relationships? STANDISH: His—associations. In the outside world Pause.) avi: I dont gee it ewity: Darling, Mr. Byers must have made some unnecessary remarks about your Uncle Henry's bachelor arachments Sec ego) WONT EAE THAT WORD IN THIS HOUSE duns: He gor om schol de The pins my own Bers wounded ha svn Codon de Stu Toh hh demand plc ply fo inky in on theca ple car Bere wo cen come the epone Sus hr him bin Oh, Sn Cam Ob Dal let che remark stand. 274 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 avi: Can I come with you, Dad? STANDISH: You may not. [want you home with your mot door) uty: Standish, for heaven's sake! (Pe starts for the StaNDist: No arguments, please. EMIbt: But Binky Byers is half your age! STANDISH: It makes no difference. yay: [ think he was on the boxing team at Dartmouth! STANDISH: No difference whatsoever. ua; What about your bad shoulder? What about your hetnia? STANDISH: Tm sory | imagine I shal be seriously hur. Buc cane stand idly by Laine: Tearfidl) Oh, Daddy, please dont go. (Bertha comes out of te kitchen.) BERTHA: The lamb will be overdone, Mrs. wily: And its a beautiful lamb, Standish! STANDISH: (Shouting them down.) Now listen co met All (Bertha has been beading back to the kitchen.) STANDISH: And you, too, Bertha! He poi ! And owice your size! of you! totward a chair downstage left. Bertha crosses, as everyone watch her. She sts on the edge ofthe chain. Everyone turns back to Standish ) STANDISH: There is nothing, nothing I'd rather do in this world, than sit down at this cable with all of you and have some of Berthals fine celery soup, followed by a leg of lamb with mint sauce and roast potatoes. Am I tight about the sauce and the potatoes, Bertha? BERTH: Yes, sir. STANDISH: There is nothing Td rather do than that, But | have to forego i ‘My own brother bas been publicly insulted at his club. And that means ur family has been insulted. And when the family that means this table, these chairs, this room, and all of us init, includ. ing you, Bertha, are being treated with scorn, And so if I stayed here, if [sat down with all of you now, I wouldnie be able to converse, I would iit be able to laugh, I wouldn't be able to correct your grammar, David, I woulda be able to enjoy your fine meal, Bertha. (Turning to Emily) 1 ‘woulda’ even be able to kiss my handsome wife goodbye. (He ‘ti a pasionate kiss) Good-bye, deat EumLy: Good-bye, darling (He hises Claire) STANDISH: Good-bye, Winkins, CLAIRE: Good-bye, Daddy hhas been insulted, ites ber THE DINING ROOM 275(Fe shakes hands with David.) stanpisit: Good: bye, David Dav1D: So long, Dad. Good luck STANDISH: Good-bye, Bertha, ‘neRTHA: Good-bye, sie. God bless you. STANDISH: Thank you very much indeed. (He goes out.) (Pause) ity: (Now all busines.) Of course we cae eat now, Bertha, Have some- thing yourself, and lee people raid the icebox later on. BERTH: Yes, Mrs. sqity: And the children can have lamb hash on Saturday. BERTH: Yes, Mrs. Bertha goes off) Exity: David: you and I will drive down to the club, and waie for the out- come in the visitors lounge. Damp: O.K,, Mother. ily: So get a book. Geta good book. Get anhoe. We could be quite a while aviv: O.K. (He goes out.) sity: And Chiee: I want you to stay hete, and hold the for. CCLAiRe: Allright, Mother. ‘Eqity: Get on the telephone to Doctor Russell. I dant care whether he's hav- ing dinner or in the operating room. Tell him to be at the club to give your father first aid. ccLatre: Allright, Mother. ity: And then study your French. CLAIRE: Allright. (She stares ous, then stops.) Mother? in che doorway.) What, for heave Exit: (Impatiens CLAIRE: Is it teue about Uncle Henty? _EMILy: Well i may be, sweetheart. But you dont say it co Aim. And you dosit say it at the club. And you dont say it within a ten-mile radius of your father. Now good-bye. (Emily ruses off right, followed by Claire. An Old Mam and his middle «aged som come on fom right, The Old Man is Harvey, his om is Dick. The light is dim inthe dining room nous exept downstage center, bythe “French doors") HARVEY: (Ar he enter.) Welll talkin here. No one will disturb us, Nobody comes near a dining room any more. The thought of sitting down with a number of intelligent, artractive people to enjoy good food, well cooked and properly served...chat apparently doesnt occur to people any moze, Nowadays people eat in kitchens, or in living rooms, standing 276 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 around, balancing their plates like jugglers. Soon theyll be eating in bachrooms, Wall why not Simplify the procs conaeabiy DICK: Sit down somewhere, Pop. HARVEY: (Coming well downstage, pulling a chair down, away frm the table) Ul si here. We can look out. There’ & purple finch who comes to the feeder every evening. Brings his young, (Dick pulls up a chair beside hen. Behind, in the dim ligh, three Women ‘begin to set she table this time for an elaborate dinner. A gret white tele. cloth, candies, fer, the works. The proces should be reverential, quien, cand mssed, not to distract from the scene downstage. Taking an envelope fiom bis inside pocket, Te el vet: Now. I want go over my funeral with you. DICK: Pop— Aa San I vae 0 do Thee ony fo moe apple in he are saver: Wel hi tme 5 ue Sol : 5 van oo hit plese Yom <0 an doit wth anyone ce tour mater reo cn so brother nih, and your ster ge dtraced. So concent pon on my finer bvcealigh, Pop Hanes Ting ou ncuron dament Fis, hts my oi is, hr my aba. Fo beth newpaper Ida eto Mi Kovak down ah fics al Te fea i ove oie an is what wan Is horugh vhost ie and ofoune my family een ch on my rceaionl iE. Lee ny love cin gal and the weigh ofthe salfsh Texaghe off de Ree The pape will want cat bah ms but den you ten ote Oop. Paseo wane sem wo prin ti pc. (esha) eas en wen Las cles to che he Symphony de Tikink hil ae dont coo young w de nor ld wont make any iffooes 1c Al igh, op. Yass Paxng with ether dacomens) Now 1 was the fan sevice announe then ofthe obi and oct the das aes Tea wil ge peopl ie to poxpone thin snd ajo hc pein, ment And I watt ashen in the noon Thi ge ose Sime to dig this inch and doc oblige st ed hen es Notice Ive unend the word uch Me Fayermetes nigh as THE DINING ROOM 277squeeze the service into the chapel, bur dont le him. I've lived in this cigy all my life, and know a great many people, and I want everyone to have a seat and feel comfortable. If you see people milling around the doot, go right up to them and find chem a place, even if you have to use folding chairs. Are we clear on that? Dick: Yes, Pop. (By now the table hasbeen marty set behind them. The Women have gone.) Hane: Ive listed the following works co be played by Mrs. Manchester at the organ. This Bach, this Handel, cis Schubert. ll lively, you'll notice Nothing gloomy, nothing grim. I want che service co start promptly with 10d rousing hymn—"Onward Christian Soldiers’—and then ther may make some brief —underlined brigf—rematks about Bayer my life and works, Do you plan to get up and speak, by the way? Dick: Me? HARVEY: You. Do you plan to say anything? Dick: I hadnit thought, Pop. HARVEY: Dont, if you dont want to. There's nothing more uncomfortable than a reluctant or unwilling speaker. On the other hand, if you, as my eldest son, were to get om your feet and say afew words of farewell DICK: (Quickh.) OF course I will, Pop. HARVEY: Good. Then Ill write you in. (He writes.) “Brief remarks by my son Richard.” (Pras; looks up.) Any idea what you might pick: No, Pop. HARVEY: You won\t make it sentimental, will you? Brad Hoffmeister son got up the other day and made some very sentimental remarks abour Brad, I didnt like it, and T don’ think Brad would have liked it Dick: I wont get sentimental, Pop. HARVEY: Good, (Pause; shuffles documents looks up again.) On the other hand, you woalt make any wisecracks, will you? ick: Oh, Pop. HaRvEy: You have that rendency, Dick. At Marcie's wedding. And your broth- ers birthday. You got up and made some very lip zematks about all of us. pick: Tim sotey, Pop. Hanvey: Smart guy stuff, Too smart, in my opinion. If you plan co get into that sore of ching, perhaps you'd better nor say anything at al. Dick: I won't make any cracks, Pop. I promise. tagvey: Thank you, (Looks at documents; looks up again.) Because you love us, don’ you? icx: Yes, Pop. 278 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 tanvev: You love us. You may live a thousand miles away, you may have run off every summer, you may bea terrible leter-writer, bt you love us al, just the same. Don't you? You love me DICK: (Touching him.) On yes, Pop! Oh yes! Really! (Pause) HARVEY: Fine, (Pus his glases on again; shuffles through documents.) Now at the graveside, jus che Family. I want co he buried beside my brothers and below my mother and father. Leave room for your mother to lie beside me. If she marries again, sil leave room. She'll come back at the end, DICK: All right, Pop, Harvey: Invite people back here after the burial. Stay close to your mother, She gets nervous at any kind of gathering, and makes bad decisions. For ‘example, dont let her serve any of the good Beefeater’ gin if people sim. ply want to mix it with conic wacer. And when they're gone, sit with her. Stay in the house. Dont leave for a few days. Please DICK: I promise, Pop. (Anni, the Maid from th firs scene, now quite old, adds candlesticks and 4 lovely flower centerpiece tothe table.) HARVEY: (Putting documents back in the envelope.) And that’s my Funeral. Tim leaving you this room, you know. After your mother dies, the table and chairs go to you, Ics the best thing I can leave you, by far, Ick: Thanks, Pop. (Annie exits into the kitchen.) "anver: Now well rejoin your mother. (He gts sowly this fet) Vl pu tis envelope in my safe deposit box, on top of my will and the stock cer- tifcates, The key will be in my lefe bureau drawer. (He starts out, then stops.) You didnt see the purple finch feeding its young DICK: (Remaining in bie chain) Yes | did, Pop anv: You saw ie while Iwas talking? DICK: Thar’ right. "RARVEY: Good. I'm glad you saw it (He goes out sow) (Dick waies a momens, lost in thought, and then replaces the chairs, The igh come np on te len beaut wit whi nen eta gb 1s, siler candlericks, flowers, the works. Annie begins ro set plate as @ Hostess Ruth—comesin rom right.) “ “ RUT: (Surveying ohe sable! Oh Annie! Te looks absolutely spectacular. ANNIE: Thank you, Mrs. RUTH: (As she begins to dlsvibute place cards careflly around the table.) Now make sure che soup plates are hot. THE DINING ROOM 279ANNIE: always do, Mrs RUTH: But [chink we can dispense with butterbals, Just give everyone a nice square of butter. ANNIE: [ldo butter-balls, Mrs. RUTH: Would you? How nice! And keep an eye on the ashtrays, Annie. Some people sill smoke becween courses, but they dont like to be reminded oft. ans: enon, Mes RUTH: And let's se...Oh yes. Before people ative, T want to pay you. (She produces oo envelope from the sideboard.) For you, And for Velma in the kitchen. It includes your taxi. So you can both just leave right after youive cleaned up. ANMIE: Thank you, Mrs. AUTH: There’ a little extea in yours, Annie. Just a present. Because youve been so helpful tothe family over the years gost: Thank you, Mr. uri: And now Ti better check che living room. ANTE: Yes, Mrs. (Rush starts out righ, shen sops) RUTH: Oh Anni. I heard some strange news through the grapevine. Annie looks at ber) RUTH: Mrs. Rellman told me that you wont be available any more ANNIE: No, Mrs RUTH: Not even for us, Annie, Weve used you more than anyone. ANNIE: 'm reering, Ms urit: But surly special occasions, Annie. I mean, if were desperate, Can T still reach you at your nephew's? Anne: Hes moving away, Mrs. RUTH: But then where will you go? What will you do? ANNIE: I've got my sister in Milwaukee, Mrs THE: But well be lost without you, Annie. anne: You'll manage, Mrs RUTH: (Indicating the table.) Bue nor like this. Well never match this, anit: Thanke yous Mrs. uri I ehink I heard the bell. AME: TU gee ity Mrs. UTE: Women’s coats upstits, men’ in the hall closet. see: Yes, Mes. (Annie sears out.) RUTH: Annie! 280 COLLECTED PLAYS VOLUME II 1974-1983 Annie stops. Ruth goes to her and hugs her. Annie responds tiff) RUTH: Thank you, Annie. For everything. Awe: Youre welcome, Mrs, (Annie gos off right, to answer the doon) (Puch goes tothe sideboard, gts a book of matches, She lights the evo can- des on the table as she specs t the audience) ‘uTH: Lately Tve been having chis recurrent dream. We're giving this perfect party: We have our dining room back, and Grandmother’ silver, before iewas stolen, and Charley’ mother’s royal blue dinner plates, before the overs dropped them, and even the finger bowls, if I knew where they were. And I'e invited all our favorite people. Oh I donit mean just our old friends. I mean everyone we've ever known and liked. Weld have the man who fixes our Toyota, and that intelligent young couple who bought che Payton house, and the receptionist atthe doctor’ office, and the new teller a che bank. And our children would be invited, too. And they all come back from wherever they are. And weld have two cock tals, and hot hors d'oeuvres, and a first-rate cook in the kitchen, and ‘so maids to serve, and everyone would ge along famously (The candles are lit by now.) -RuTH: My busband laughs when I tell him this dream. “Do you realize,” he says, “what a party like that would cost? Do you realize what wed have ‘pay these days for a party like that?” Well, know. [know all that. But sometimes I think ic might almost be worth ie (The rat of the Cast now spills into the dining room, talking animated Saving a wonderfal time. There isthe usual gallaniry and jockeying around 4 people read the place cards and find their eat. The Men pull out the Women’s chairs, and people sit down. The Host goes tothe sideboard, where Annie has left a botle of wine in a silver bucket. He wnaps a linen napkin ‘around it, and begins to pour peoples wine. The conversation flows as well. The lighs begin 0 dim. The Host reaches his owm seas atthe head of the ‘able, ad powrs bis own wine. Them he raises his las) HOST: To all of us. (Everyone rates his or her gas. As their glases go down, the lights fade black. The table is bathed in is own candlelighs. Then the twe downstage stor asoberesivey uf the candles, and the play is over) The End THE DINING ROOM 281