Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind

Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes): 90 Neo-Futurist
Plays from the First 25 Years (1st ed. - 02.17.15) - toomuchlightIes

Copyright © 2015 Greg Allen
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Table of Contents
Author’s Note . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
The Plays
Title . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
30 Second Tag . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
Building . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20
Days of Wine and Rosés . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22
Every Time a Bell Rings, an Angel Gets to Salivate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Strong Direction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
What I Assume People Think I Do When I Tell

Them I’m a Performance Artist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
German 101 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
Manifest Density . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 32
The Nice Knife of Night . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34
How to War . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
Unspoken Laws of Human Nature Exposed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
An Open and Shut Case . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Writing As It Is Being Written . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
Prestidigitation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
Henry VI, Act IV, Scene ii, Line 86 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48
…It’s How You Do It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
Macbeth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
Memorial Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
The Art of Acting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55
Ode to 17 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
5
Service with a Simile . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 60
Ten Years…and six months . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63
The Lower Depths . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65
The Story of How Xxxx Xxxxxx Xxxxxx-Xx Xxx Xxxxxxxx . . . . . . . . 67
The Verdict (for Rodney King) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
The Voices of Walter Schuman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
Sudden Death and Resurrection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74
Flights of Fancy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 75
The Lamb May Lie Down with the Lion

But She Doesn’t Get a Lot of Sleep . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
Revolution . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 80
Tableau for Three (Right this way, sir) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83
Still Image on a Wall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85
Masterpieces of the Lyric Form . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
Night Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
An Apology . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 92
Give and Take . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94

Mr. Science Demonstrates Othello . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 97
Love, Phil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
The Pitter-Pat of Tiny Feet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Oleanna by David Mamet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
The River Stynx . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
Shaken . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 109
Ad Nauseam . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
Bad Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112
Fool-Hearty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 114
Snacktime at the RNC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116
6
It’s A Breeze . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 117
King Lear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119
Guilty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122
Practice Makes Prefect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124
That Summer Feeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126
The Story of Hand in Glove . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129
This Play Does Not Exist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131
We Are All Individuals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133
A Monologue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 135
Blind Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136
Honestly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137
Cyrano . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 138
Hair Director . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142
Story Problems That Still Haunt Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146
A Pair of Socks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148

Lip Readers . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 150
War Games . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153
A Minute of Hope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154
Read Me Like A Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156
Three Guys and a Doll . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158
Part of the Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160
Lawsuit . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 163
Uncle Vodka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 164
Genre Play #6: Horror . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167
12 Photographs of Eadweard Muybridge in Motion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169
The Tricycle of Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171
Da Vinci Decision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172
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Flammable Pants . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 174
Regrets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 175
The Life and Times of Noah Jacob Consider Whiteley-Allen

as Written by his Father And Directed by Robert Wilson . . . . . . . . . . . 176
Zenith . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 178
These Things Are True . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 180
Obligatory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 183
Heads You Lose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
Congressional Compromise, or Revenge of the Hammer . . . . . . . . . . . . 187
Three Year Old Interview . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189
The Goat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 190
American Mantra . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 194
Early Capitalism . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195
Pale Blue Eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
Love It When You Ask . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 199
Mutual . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
Déjà Vu . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 203
15 Extra Bonus Anti-Plays! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 204
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Author’s Note on the Title and Nomenclature
Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind is billed as “an ever-changing
attempt to perform 30 Plays in 60 Minutes.” The rights to perform
that show have been licensed exclusively to The Neo-Futurists in
Chicago where it has been continually running every week since
December 2nd, 1988. It has also been licensed to its two branches:
The New York Neo-Futurists, running since April 2nd, 2004, and
The San Francisco Neo-Futurists, running since December 2nd, 2013.
These productions by The Neo-Futurists also tour nationally and
internationally. The ongoing show is “ever-changing” because every
week audience members roll a die on stage to determine how many
new plays the ensemble must create and premiere for the following
week. (To date Chicago has premiered a whopping 9,036 plays,
and New York and San Francisco have created an additional 3,654
and 382 respectively.) This book is a collection of 105 of those plays
written and selected by the creator.
Hence, since the productions you license from this book are neither
ever-changing nor premiering new work, we insist your production
of the show be titled 30 Neo-Futurist Plays from Too Much Light
Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes). We have been
enforcing this for decades in order to distinguish your productions
from The Neo-Futurists’ home shows and touring productions. The
title and subtitle—Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind and 30
Plays in 60 Minutes—have been nationally trademarked and the
format itself is also protected through intellectual rights, so please
observe this and don’t make me come after you with a stick. If
you need to produce a shorter or, god forbid, longer show, you can
merely adjust the title accordingly to be 15 Neo-Futurist Plays from
Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes), or
10 Neo-Futurist Plays from…, or 87 Neo-Futurist Plays from…
By licensing the plays in this book under this title you are licensing
the show’s format described in the Introduction as well for the
duration of your license. This format (timer, clothesline, menus,
random order, random admission, nametags, etc.) is to be used
exclusively for performing the licensed plays in this book and
no others. You cannot include scripts from other books. The
format may not be adapted to include original scripts, nor can it
be approximated to “create” a slightly different show. (Don’t get
me started on times I have had to wield that stick.) However, it
is understood that if, because of environmental limitations or
“rules” set by “The Man,” you cannot charge a random admission
or perform in a random order with a clock, these variations can
9
be made. The main aim is to keep your show as Neo-Futurist and
as similar to the original show as possible—just not outside the
boundaries of this license and international law. I have made every
attempt at making this book be a collection of specifically formatted
scripts for this very purpose.
Also, a word on nomenclature: Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go
Blind is the name of a show made up of plays. They are plays,
not “sketches” or “skits” or “scenes” or any of the other dreaded
s-words. They are fully fleshed-out dramatic pieces that are neither
improvised nor necessarily comedic. (If Samuel Beckett can write a
two-minute play, then so can I.) Hence the show is comprised of 30
plays. Don’t let anyone call them otherwise. And the aesthetic you
are operating under is Neo-Futurism. The plays are Neo-Futurist,
and the performers are called Neo-Futurists. “The Neo-Futurists”
is a corporate entity you should probably steer clear of. If you have
specific questions feel free to find me on Facebook. Break a leg.
Greg Allen
January 29, 2015
10
Introduction
I created Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60
Minutes) in the fall of 1988 and managed to talk a group of eight
theater artists to join me in exploring a crazy new performance
theory I dubbed “Neo-Futurism.” Based primarily on Italian
Futurism with healthy slices of Dada, Surrealism, Brecht, Fluxus,
Happenings, Grotowski, and Augusto Boal thrown in, Neo-Futurism
was christened when “The Neo-Futurists” opened the show December
2, 1988 in Chicago, and continued on to perform 50 weeks a year.
This was followed by the New York Neo-Futurists who opened
an ongoing production of Too Much Light… on April 2, 2004 and
the San Francisco Neo-Futurists who did the same on December
2, 2013. Neo-Futurism has now come to be regarded as a thriving
contemporary theater movement, one that I teach in residencies all
over the country and abroad.
What you hold in your hand is a collection of 90 plays (plus 15
“anti-plays”) that I wrote for the show in its first 25 years. This is a
special collection because is it aimed specifically at groups outside
of our company performing the show in the Neo-Futurist style
without having to create their own plays. (The rights to create your
own Neo-Futurist show with your own original plays is outside
the parameters of this book). What I have found over the years is
that many high schools, colleges, and small non-Equity theaters
are excited to perform our material but have been forced by our
own books to go outside of our aesthetic to do so. The fabulous
previously published collections of our plays (all published by Hope
and Nonthings) have tended toward documentation of the show—
scripts that were written and performed in Too Much Light using the
performers’/writers’ facts of their own lives at that specific time.
Those collections included mostly plays that, when performed by
their authors, were autobiographically true, but when performed
by others, relied on you to “pretend” to be someone else and having
had life experiences you had not. This is patently antithetical to
Neo-Futurism, which is all about exploring the actual truth of
being yourself on stage in front of a live audience at that precise
time. What I have collected here are all plays that (hopefully) you
can perform and make actually true for yourself as you perform
them. Hence I have not included any of the hundreds of plays I have
written about my specific life experiences (being shot, crazy things
my kids have said, etc.) nor plays that specifically refer to current
events (elections, deaths, news stories, etc.) nor plays that need to
be performed in Chicago at our theater called The Neo-Futurarium
11
(which happens to exist over a funeral home). These plays are for
you to explore Neo-Futurism.
The Too Much Light Experience:
To produce this show, it’s important to understand the environment

it’s performed in and how the process works. The following elements
are all part of the intellectual rights you get when you license the
right to produce “30 Neo-Futurist Plays from Too Much Light Makes
The Baby Go Blind” (we insist on the “30 Neo-Futurist Plays from”
terminology to clarify your productions from touring productions
by The Neo-Futurists). Here’s what you would encounter if you
came to our production in Chicago:
50 weeks a year, we perform Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night for
a large, enthusiastic audience who arrive early and line up around
the block before the show. When we open the doors, we pass out
as many tokens to the line as we have seats in the theater. When
we run out of tokens we know we are sold out and invite the rest
of the line to come back another night…perhaps a little earlier. The
audience is then escorted up the stairs, down the “Neo-Futurist Hall
of Presidents,” through a kitchen, and into what we call “The Neo-
Futurist State Park” where you hang out and talk and eat goodies
and play games for about twenty minutes. Before we open the
doors to the theater itself, we announce that you are to exchange
your token with us for the privilege of paying—currently “$9 plus
$1 times the roll of a single six-sided die.” Each of you in turn rolls
a die into a box and pays that amount—a randomly generated $10
to $15. You are then confronted with someone wearing headphones
and listening to loud music who asks you “What’s your name?” You
answer but the headphone-wearing ensemble member writes an
erroneous name for you on a “Hello My Name Is:” nametag and
tells you to “Have a good show!” You peel off the back and slap it
on your chest.
Before taking a seat, you are handed a menu with that week’s 30
play titles and photos of the performing ensemble. After everyone
is seated, an ensemble member welcomes you to the theater and
instructs you how the show is to proceed. You learn that everyone
has a menu with a list of 30 play titles that correspond to the 30 paper
numbers that hang from a clothesline ten feet over the stage. You are
told to find a title that intrigues you and call out that number NOW!
Cacophony ensues. The first number heard by the ensemble will be
jumped for and pulled down off the clothesline. The title will be read
off the back of the number, the paper wad will be tossed into the
12
audience, the ensemble will set up whatever is needed to perform
that play, and then “Go!” is called. “Go!” designates the beginning
of every play and “Curtain!” designates the end. You are instructed
that when you hear “Curtain!” you are to quickly call out the next
number of the next play you want to see. A 60-minute darkroom
timer is set on the back wall to keep everyone honest, and you are
told that when the buzzer goes off the show is over, no matter how
many plays remain on the clothesline. This should inspire you to be
quick with your number calling. You practice calling a couple more
numbers whenever the ensemble member shouts out “Curtain!”
They try to trick you into calling out a number when they say “Go!”
but you are too smart to fall for that. As explained, the goal for
everyone is to have all 30 numbers pulled down off the clothesline
and the plays completed before the 60-minute buzzer sounds. You
are told you are in charge. If the show is sold out and every seat
is filled, an ensemble member announces that there is a tradition:
“When we sell out, we order out!” they shout and a pizza is ordered
for the audience to be delivered to the stage sometime during the
show.
Before the darkroom timer is started, the ensemble members
introduce themselves by name and point out that, according to the
tenets of Neo-Futurism, they will not be playing characters tonight
but everything they say and do will be true. You are encouraged
to do the same. You are also warned that, like the calling out of
numbers, you may be counted on to take part in the performance. It
is pointed out that the plays range from funny to serious to abstract,
from personal to political, and you have to be ready for anything.
The ensemble asks for a play number to start the show and you call
out a number. An ensemble member jumps for the first number
they hear, pulls it down off the clothesline, reads the title, tosses the
paper wad into the audience, and the ensemble sets the stage for
that play. An ensemble member leads you in a countdown to start
the clock (never 10 to 1 but something more funky—prime numbers,
Roman numerals, the seven dwarves, the Great Lakes by viscosity,
etc.) and the 60 minutes and first play begin with the word “Go!” In
this way, you are submitted to a diverse barrage of plays over the
next hour, sometimes interrupted by a stunned pizza deliveryman.
Hopefully by the time the clock has counted off 60 minutes, all 30
plays have been pulled down off the clothesline. If, as happens, the
buzzer sounds and some plays remain unperformed hanging on the
clothesline that’s tough luck. (Although it should always be the aim
to perform 30 plays in 60 minutes, the audience can be asked if they
want to see the rest of the plays, perhaps with a specific number
13
of extra minutes added to the clock.) After the Friday and Sunday
performances in Chicago (Friday and Saturday performances in
New York), an audience member is asked to roll a die on stage. It is
explained that the total of the two rolls (2–12) is how many new plays
will be changed for next week. (On tour we tend to roll a single die
each night and switch out that many plays by the next night.) After
the announcements, you are encouraged to come up and speak with
the performers and grab a piece of the pizza (cut into tiny bite-sized
chunks) before you head home.
How to Use This Book:
I have given you 90 plays (plus 15 super-short “Anti-Plays”) to

choose from to make your 30 play menu. I have aimed for a wide
variety of tones, forms, and subject matter to ensure diversity for
your production. Keep in mind that, if you are performing with
a timer, “time is of the essence!” (to quote Give and Take), so try to
create a balance of longer and shorter plays. Keep in mind the 15
Anti-Plays in the back of the book to give yourself some breathing
room. Ideally you should avoid overlap so that no two of the 30 plays
you select would be compromised if the random performance order
happened to place them to be performed back-to-back. Hence you
might not want to have a menu that includes both of the plays in this
anthology that go backwards (Revolution and Regrets) even though
both are fairly different plays. I’ll let you be the judge of what kind
of menu you want to put together. Licensing fewer or more than 30
plays is also certainly possible—you just need to change the title of
the show to 40 Neo-Futurist Plays from Too Much Light Makes The Baby
Go Blind, or whatever is appropriate. If, after reading this anthology,
you are inspired to write some of your own plays, I’m sorry, we don’t
allow a mix—you must use only these published scripts or contact
me to make arrangements to write your own. One of the huge
advantages of working with this material is that it is essentially
cheap theater. The cast can perform in their street clothes and the
show calls for no set. The most you need to perform this show are
a couple chairs, a darkroom timer, and a clothesline. Although the
hand props run the gamut, none of them are particularly pricey
or hard to find. The most expensive consumable might be the
Styrofoam head in King Lear. Of course, you can stage these plays
as elaborately as you wish, but remember, the true impact of the
show is from the preponderance of the material and the class of its
generated emotions and ideas, not the stagecraft or brilliant “acting.”
14
Lastly, it is imperative that you make the show your own. I have
created this anthology specifically for you to do so. You should
always use your own names on stage. I have arbitrarily used the
names “Jeff” and “Joan” as characters in the scripts (in honor of
a play that inspired my work—Jeffrey Jones’ Seventy Scenes of
Halloween) as well as some of the names of my favorite playwrights.
These are merely placeholders for you to substitute in your own
names. In some plays I simply reduced the performers to “Man
and Woman” or “One, Two, Three” etc… These are to encourage
you to realize anyone can play any part with little regard for gender.
Also feel free to change the pronouns as you see fit. However,
if you are going to say something in a script that is patently
untrue for you, choose a different part or a different play. (For
instance, only a parent who empathizes with the situation should
perform Shaken.) Try to make the show as honest and immediate
on stage as possible, and if your performer has a slightly different
life experience than the one in the script, or a current event fits
the bill perfectly, feel free to substitute that in. I have tried to note
where substitutions can be made but there might be more. Also, if
you happen to be in a situation where the adult vernacular of the
plays is deemed “inappropriate,” feel free to change or omit swear
words as needed for you situation. (I have always preferred creative
solutions—like “fudge,” “melon-farmer,” and “poo”—so that the
absurdity of not swearing is pointed out.) Above all, it’s important
to have fun and express yourselves—that’s what Neo-Futurism is all
about. Go!
Greg Allen
2013
15
Title
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN
(A MAN and a WOMAN sit at a table on stage.)

MAN.Statement. Statement. Statement. Question?
WOMAN.Agreement.
MAN. Reassured statement. Confident statement. Confident state-
ment. Overconfident statement.
WOMAN.Question?
MAN.Elaborate defensive excuse.
WOMAN.Half-hearted agreement.
MAN.Insecure statement. Distracted statement. Absurd statement.
WOMAN.Clarification question?
MAN.Panicked bullshit explanation. Quick meaningless comic non
sequitur.
WOMAN.Laughter.
MAN.Fake laughter.
WOMAN.Laughter.
MAN. Fake laughter. Unconscious compliment of physical charac-
teristics.
(Pause as he realizes what he said.)
WOMAN.Pleased response.
MAN.Shocked continuation of meaningless comic non sequitur.
WOMAN.Laughter.
MAN.Relieved laughter.
WOMAN.Laughter.
MAN.Relieved laughter.
WOMAN.Superficial compliment.
17
18 Greg Allen
MAN. Self-assured agreement as denial. Exaggerated statement.

Exaggerated statement. Grossly exaggerated statement.
WOMAN.Clarification question?
MAN.Extremely exaggerated elucidation.
WOMAN.Mental compliment with accidental double entendre.
MAN.Confident laughter.
WOMAN.Embarrassed laughter.
MAN.Confident laughter. Confident suggestive proposition.
WOMAN.Violent denial.
MAN.Aghast repetition as question?
WOMAN.Disgusted violent denial.
MAN.Defensive incriminating implication.
WOMAN.Offended retort.
MAN.Aggressive childish insult.
WOMAN.Disbelieving rhetorical question?
MAN.Aggressive childish insult.
WOMAN.Stunned silence.
MAN.Aggressive childish insult!
WOMAN.Defensive childish response!
MAN.Attempted Condescending Conclusive Statement!
(He begins to rise to leave.)
WOMAN. (Rising:) BRILLIANT SCATHING REMARK WITH LITERARY
ALLUSIONS AND LONG-TERM DEVASTATING SCATALOGICAL
IMPLICATIONS!
(She exits, leaving him destroyed at the table.)
MAN.Pathetic self-revelation.
Curtain
30 Second Tag
(The moment this number is pulled down from the clothesline

the title is read and immediately followed by “Go!” This begins
a game of “Tag” with whoever pulled down the number as “It.”
They tag the first ensemble member they can catch and the game
goes on—no tag-backs, no fair leaving the stage. The ensemble
plays a furious game of tag until, about 15 seconds into the game,
whoever is “It” tags an audience member sitting in their seat. The
audience realizes they are now part of the game and chaos ensues
with them tagging each other or running on stage and trying to
catch ensemble members. After about 30 seconds have elapsed an
ensemble member calls “Curtain!”)
19
Building
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
(The play starts with ONE standing stage right and building
until TWO through FIVE stand beside him in line to form the full
sentence. They then leave and return as is called for in the script.)
ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE.
I
I
I
I you
I you
I you
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you now.
I love you now.
I love you now.
I don’t love you now.
I don’t love you now.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love you.
I don’t love.
I don’t love.
I don’t love.
I don’t.
I don’t.
I don’t.
I
I
I
20
Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind 21
ONE. TWO. THREE. FOUR. FIVE.

I
I
I
I love.
I love.
I love now.
Curtain
Note:
The sentence unfolds moving from “I,” to “I love you,” to “I don’t
love you now,” back to “I,” and on to its conclusion. Performers
should try to arrive and depart on time so that they are standing
still when they speak. They should also try to maintain the rhythm
and physical spacing for the full sentence: ie. there is a physical and
audible gap between “I” and “you” until is it filled in with “don’t”
and “love.”
Days Of Wine And Rosés
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
SAM
HAROLD
LYNN
(JEFF sits in a chair with JOAN standing over him. They “act”
dramatically.)
JEFF.I must do something. I can’t just sit here and let it happen.
JOAN.But Michele, what can you do? After all, you’re just one man
and they’re an angry mob.
JEFF.But it’s cold-blooded murder Lisette. It’s not just our enemies
we’re killing, it’s ourselves!
JOAN.Relax. You must calm down. I’ll get you a sedative.
(She exits stage right.)
(Pause.)
(MARIA enters stage right with a styrofoam cup of water.)
MARIA.Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
JEFF.(Looking oddly at her because it is a different actress, but going on:)
Thank you, my dear. (He drinks the water and immediately does a spit-
take.) What are you doing giving me this? I know poison when I
taste it, and this… (Throws cup against back wall) …is poison! Be gone!
Never set foot in this house again! (MARIA runs out stage left.) Now
we shall see who is in control of the situation…
(JOAN re-enters from stage right with a cup of water.)
JOAN.Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
JEFF. (Confused whether to go back or go on—ultimately sits down and
goes back:) Thank you, my dear. (Drinks water and does a spit-take.)
What are you doing giving me this! I know poison when I taste it,
and this… (Throws cup against the back wall.) …is poison! Be gone!
22
Never set foot in this house again! (JOAN runs out stage left.) Now we
shall see who is in control of the situation…
SAM.(From audience:) That’s not the right line Jeff.
JEFF.What?
SAM.That’s not the right line. You’re supposed to go on to the section
about sedation and sedition.
JEFF.But what happened to Joan? She was supposed to come back—
SAM.Look, you blew the line. That’s why we went back.
JEFF.But what was Maria doing out here?
SAM.Don’t worry about it. Just go on from the poison entrance.
JEFF.But—!
SAM.Take it from the poison entrance!
(JEFF is flustered but ultimately sits back down and looks off stage
left, waiting for JOAN to enter. Instead HAROLD enters from
stage right with a cup, startling JEFF with the line.)
HAROLD.Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
JEFF.What are you doing here!?
HAROLD. (Attempting to stay in character:) “Here is your sedative
dear. It will calm you down.”
(JEFF looks around freaked out.)
SAM.(Still in audience:) Jeff, get a grip.
JEFF.What’s he doing here??
HAROLD.Sam, he’s fucking it up.
SAM.I know. Jeff, just go on with the script, would you? Please?!
(JEFF once again sits down.)
Thank you. Go on!
JEFF. Thank you my dear. (Exasperatedly takes cup from HAROLD,
drinks, and does a half-assed dribbling spit-take.) What are you doing
giving me this. I know poison when I taste it, and this… (Lame toss
or cup towards back wall.) …is poison…
(HAROLD runs off stage left.)
LYNN.(Immediately entering from stage right with a cup:) Here is your
sedative dear…
(This is too much for JEFF and he screams and runs off stage left.)
24 Greg Allen
SAM. Oh God, now what? (He stands up and calls after the actor who
just ran off.) Jeff!? Well if he can’t do it I will. (He walks on stage and sits
down in JEFF’s chair.) Let’s take it from your entrance Lynn.
LYNN.(Backing up a couple paces and re-approaching the chair with the
cup:) Here is your sedative dear…
(SAM screams, jumps up, and runs off stage left exactly the same
way that JEFF did, leaving LYNN on stage with her cup. Not
knowing what to do, LYNN looks at the audience, and decides to
go to an audience member with her cup.)
LYNN.Here is your sedative dear. It will calm you down.
(LYNN waits for the audience member to sip the water, do a spit-
take, and say the lines. Whether she is banished from the stage or
not, after she gets a reaction all the other members of the ensemble
emerge from offstage carrying cups of water. They offer them to
various audience members with the line “Here is your sedative
dear. It will calm you down.” Mayhem ensues. When the mayhem
ends…)
Curtain
Every Time a Bell Rings,
An Angel Gets To Salivate
Cast of Characters
MAN
(A MAN stands on stage. All lines for this play are delivered with
great expectant excitement and rising inflection, like a ringmaster
announcing the next amazing act. Hopefully the audience gets
into the mode of clapping after each announcement until this is
subverted.)
MAN.(Gesturing to his right:) Ladies and gentlemen, (Name of man in
the performing ensemble)!!!
(The named ensemble member briefly walks on from stage right
and waves at the audience.)
( Gesturing to his left:) Ladies and gentlemen, (Name of woman in the
ensemble)!!!
(The named woman walks on briefly from stage left and waves at
the audience.)
(Gesturing to his right:) Ladies and gentlemen, my right arm!!!
adies and gentlemen, this sentence which gradually builds in
L
volume and ends in UP INFLECTION!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, the person sitting to your right!!!
adies and gentlemen, this handsome young man standing (Hopefully
L
he stands.)…and hopping on one foot (Hopefully he does so.) …in the
second row!!!
adies and gentlemen, this beautiful young woman in the first row
L
giving me a big kiss!!!
(She does or does not kiss him.)
( If not:) Ladies and gentlemen, my momentary heartbreak at being
rejected.
( If so:) Ladies and gentlemen, my amazing shock at being accepted!
Ladies and gentlemen, your family!!!
Ladies and gentlemen, what you had for dinner this evening!!!
25
26 Greg Allen
Ladies and gentlemen, your last orgasm!!!

adies and gentlemen, your apartment being burglarized at this
L
very moment!
Ladies and gentlemen, President Sarah Palin!
Ladies and gentlemen, the fade of the lights.
(The lights begin to fade.)
Ladies and gentlemen, the end of this play!
Ladies and gentlemen, the curtain!
(He looks up as if a curtain were going to drop but of course it does
not. The audience realizes he has called “Curtain!” and calls out
the next number.)
Curtain
Note:
This play can be adjusted and performed for either gender. If the
idea of Sarah Palin as President does not remain horrifying in the
future, another hideous option can be used.
Strong Direction
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
SAM
HAROLD
LYNN
BILL
(Blackout. Seven people are spread out around the stage in the
following pattern: JEFF and JOAN stand next to each other
center stage, SAM and MARIA stand stage right, HAROLD and
LYNN stand stage left, and BILL stands upstage center on a chair.
All have flashlights. Throughout the play, the flashlights of the
people speaking illuminate the subject and object of their sentence.
Therefore, when saying “I say look at her,” JEFF lights himself
on “I” and then JOAN beside him on “her.” “You” is always the
audience. When someone is not speaking, their flashlight is off.
The pace is quick. The attitude is aggressive.)
JEFF.I say look at her.
JOAN.He says look at me.
JEFF.I say look at her.
JOAN.Look at him.
JEFF.Look at me.
JOAN.I say look at him.

JEFF.She says look at me.
JOAN.I say look at him.
JEFF.Look at her.
JOAN.Look at me.
JEFF & JOAN.We say look at us.

We say look at you.
27
28 Greg Allen
We say look at you,

Look at us,
Look at you.
SAM & MARIA.We say look at us.

HAROLD & LYNN.We say look at them.
SAM & MARIA.We say look at us,
Look at us.
HAROLD & LYNN.Look at them.
JEFF & JOAN. We say look at us.

SAM, MARIA, HAROLD & LYNN.We say look at them.
JEFF & JOAN.We say look at you,
SAM, MARIA, HAROLD & LYNN.Look at us,
Look at them.
BILL.I say look at me!

I say look at me!
I say look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me!
ALL OTHERS.We say look at her.

BILL.They say look at me.
ALL OTHERS.
We say look at you,
Look at us,
BILL. Look at me.
ALL BUT BILL.We say look at us.

We say look at you.
We say look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you.
e say look at you.

W
We say look at us.
We say look at us,
Look at you,
ook at us,
L
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us,
Look at you,
Look at us
BILL. Look at me!
Curtain
What I Assume People Think I Do
When I Tell Them
I’m A Performance Artist
Cast of Characters
PEFORMER
(Dissonant ambient music plays as the stage is low lit with swathes
of moody light.
MAN emerges from stage right dressed very pretentiously all
A
in black.
e walks in slow motion with the grace of a gazelle and the
H
concentration of some other animal that tends to have a lot of
concentration.
e reaches center stage, pauses, pompously looks left, pompously
H
looks right, and then, accompanied by a sudden abrasive light and
musical shift, tears off his shirt and screeches “MMOOOOMM-
M M MY Y Y Y Y Y!!!! M MOOOOM M M M MY Y Y Y Y!!!!
MMOOOOMMMMMYYYYY!!!!” while two ensemble mem-
bers run out and beat his chest with raw meat.)
Curtain
30
German 101
(This play must be number “9” on the clothesline. Whenever

anyone in the audience calls out “Nine!” an ensemble member
starts to jump for #9 but instead turns and shouts “Nein!” back
at the audience. This shouting continues throughout the show
whenever “Nine!” has clearly been chosen by the audience. The
play is never pulled down from the clothesline unless it is the last
number to be performed—then it is pulled down and torn to shreds
in a fit of “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” This play has
no “Go” or “Curtain.”)
31
Manifest Density
Cast of Characters
MAN
(A MAN stands on stage with a fist full of one-dollar bills.)

MAN. (Shouting:) WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?
(When someone in the audience raises their hand, he points to them and
asks:) YOU WANT A DOLLAR?! YOU WANT A DOLLAR?! (When
they confirm they do, he shouts:) GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET
RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE! (When they get up on stage, he again
repeats:) YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU
WANT A DOLLAR? (When they say “yes” the MAN kindly gives them
a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, he turns back to the rest of the audience and
shouts:) “WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?
WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?” (Until someone in the audience raises their
hand. He points them out and asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU
WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they confirm they do, he shouts:) “GET
UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until
they get up on stage. He again repeats:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU
WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes”
he says:) “Bark like a dog! Bark like a dog!” (When the audience member
barks like a dog the MAN gives them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, he again shouts:) “WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?”
(Until someone in the audience raises their hand. The MAN points to them
and asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?”
(When they confirm they do, he shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE!
GET RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they get up on stage. He
again repeats:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?
YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” he says:) “Show
everyone your bellybutton! Show everyone your bellybutton!”
(When the audience member shows everyone their bellybutton he gives
them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, he shouts:) “WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?
WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?” (Until
someone in the audience raises their hand. He points to them and asks:)
“YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they
confirm they do, he shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET RIGHT
32
UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they get up on stage. He again repeats:)

“YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A
DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” the MAN says:) “Give me a kiss! A
big kiss right here on the lips!” (When the audience member gives him a
big kiss on the lips the MAN gives them a dollar.)
(As they return to their seat, the MAN shouts:) “WHO WANTS A
DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR? WHO WANTS A DOLLAR?”
(Until someone in the audience raises their hand. He points to them and
asks:) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR?” (When
they confirm they do, he shouts:) “GET UP HERE ON STAGE! GET
RIGHT UP HERE ON STAGE!” (Until they get up on stage. He again
repeats: ) “YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU WANT A DOLLAR? YOU
WANT A DOLLAR?” (When they say “yes” he says:) “Rip off your
clothes! Rip all your clothes off! Stark naked right here on stage! Rip
off all your clothes!” (When the audience member rips off all their clothes
the MAN gives them a dollar.)
MAN. (Turns to the audience and declares:) America: land of the free,
home of the brave.
(If at any point during the proceedings someone clearly says “no”
[as often happens], the MAN says this same line and ends the
play.)
Curtain
Note:
In performance, the stakes seem to be raised more appropriately if
the kiss is from a man.
The Nice Knife of Night
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN
(A MAN and a WOMAN stare at each other intensely on stage.

They deliver their lines quickly and bitterly to a simple tune.)
WOMAN.I’m looking at you
You’re looking at me.
We’re wondering how
This came to be.
MAN.It’s the heart of the night
It’s a knife in the heart
We’re lying in bed
But we’re so far apart
(They grab each other and violently waltz.)
BOTH.We’re wasting our nights, nights, hopelessly
Screwing our lives, lives, endlessly
Twisting the knife, knife, recklessly on.
(They break apart and circle each other like prey.)
MAN.We wish we made love
Or even had fun
We can’t do that now
At the point of a gun.
WOMAN.The words come out wrong
We just can’t be clear
I guess we’ll save that
’Til maybe next year.
(Violent waltzing again.)
BOTH.We’re falling apart, part, hopelessly
Wasting our hearts, hearts, stupidly
Just isn’t smart, smart to make this go on.
(Breaking apart, shoving each other and getting in each other’s
faces.)
BOTH.We search in the night.
We search in the sun.
34
WOMAN.This just isn’t right.

MAN.We’re killing someone.
WOMAN.It isn’t just me.
It isn’t just you.
MAN.There’s something between us
That’s cutting us through.
(Grabbing again for the violent waltz, ending in a dip.)
BOTH.We’re pacing the ground, ground, aimlessly
Searching around, ’round hopelessly
Making no sound, sound thinking it through,
thinking it’s through,
thinking we’re through!
Curtain
How to War
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
(ONE and TWO stand on either side of a large flip pad. They are
excessively cheery. The flip pad has large sheets of paper on it with
titles and simple drawings to serve as visual aids. The first one
contains the words “How to War.” After each step, either ONE
or TWO flips the sheet over to reveal the next step. Cheery ’50s
instructional music plays throughout the following.)
ONE. Why hello there! I know some of you have heard about
war…in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, etc. etc. etc… And I bet you’re
wondering “How do I war?” Well sir, all you need to know are these
12 easy steps and you’ll be warring in no time, and hopefully for
years to come.
(Flip sheet to show page with “#1 Be Yourself” and a smiling face.)
TWO.Step 1: BE YOURSELF. People always assume that in order to
really war, you have to work at it. You’ll be relieved to know that no,
it just comes naturally. No need to try. Just be yourself!
(Flip sheet to show page with “#2 Meet People” and two faces
looking at each other.)
ONE.Step 2: MEET PEOPLE. Get out there and socialize. Strike up
a conversation with someone you don’t know in a place you’ve never
been. Share your views! Try to meet someone “exotic.”
(Flip sheet to show “#3 Find the Differences” and the same two
faces with an equals sign crossed out between them.)
TWO. Step 3: FIND THE DIFFERENCES. When you were talking
to that person did they say something kooky? You wouldn’t say
something kooky like that. What do you think made them say
something so kooky?
(Flip sheet to show “#4 Extrapolate!” and repeated drawings of the
second person.)
ONE. Step 4: EXTRAPOLATE! Make that one kooky person into a
group of kooky people. After all, he must have learned his kooky
ways somewhere. I bet there’s a whole fleet of kooky people out
there just like him.
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(Flip sheet to show “#5 Name Your Terms” and the face with a
number of arrows with descriptors around it.)
TWO.Step 5: NAME YOUR TERMS. How would you describe that
kooky person? Do they look different than you? Do they talk funny?
Do they come from a different place or believe different things?
Label those differences with one easy term. Congratulations! You
have now successfully identified a whole group of people based on
one interaction with one kooky person!
(Flip sheet to “#6 Get Scared” and the original happy face looking
worried.)
ONE.Step 6: GET SCARED. What if those people wanted something
from you? What if they moved in next door? What if they forced you
to look and talk and think the way they do? You know what? They
do. This isn’t a scary idea, it’s a scary reality. How can you sleep at
night knowing that?!?
(Flip sheet to “#7 Get Angry” and the face looking angry.)
TWO.7: GET ANGRY. How DARE these people make you change!
What makes them think they’re so much better than you are? You’d
rather die than become one of them wouldn’t you? WOULDN’T
YOU!???
(Flip sheet to “#8 Find Some Friends” and multiples of the angry
face.)
ONE. 8: FIND SOME FRIENDS. If you feel this way, you can bet
your bippy there are other people out there who are even angrier.
Find them, make friends, and have big meetings where you talk
about how angry you are about these people. And by the way, stop
thinking of them as people. Think of them as…child molesters.
(Flip sheet to “#9 Get A Couple Friends Killed” with one of the
angry faces horizontal with X’s for eyes.)
TWO.9: GET A COUPLE FRIENDS KILLED. Nothing gets peoples’
attention and inspired like seeing their friends killed. People die all
the time. Find one and blame it on the child molesters. Notice how
quickly really important people suddenly wake up and agree that
these aren’t people, they are child molesters and need to be wiped
off the face of the earth!
(Flip sheet to “#10 Say “Thank You” and two smiling faces with
money in between them.)
ONE. 10: SAY “THANK YOU.” Nothing encourages important
people to act on your behalf like a large check with a hearty “thank
you.” If the important people see some large checks, they will start
38 Greg Allen
convincing other important people that exterminating these child

molesters is the right thing to do.
(Flip sheet to “#11 Get Some More People Killed” and many
horizontal faces with X’s for eyes.)
TWO. Step 11: GET SOME MORE PEOPLE KILLED. With the
support of these important people, kill some child molesters. Once
you’ve successfully killed off a couple of them, they are inevitably
going to kill some of you. Let it happen. Embrace it. Revel in it. Don’t
look now, but you’ve started a war!
(Flip sheet to “#12 Keep A-Goin’!” and a collage of actual photo-
graphs of bloody war scenes.)
ONE.Step 12: KEEP A-GOIN’! You’ve done the hard part. Keeping
a war going is easy. If you’re really lucky you’ll get to destroy
stuff, rebuild the stuff you destroyed, and destroy it again! Always
remember those basic kooky differences you started with, extrapolate
and expand! You’ll be warring for a good long time! Goodbye!
TWO.Bye bye!
ONE.Goodbye!
TWO.Goodbye!
ONE.Bye bye!
(They continue to wave and say goodbye like the end of “The
Wizard of Oz,” as battle noises rise on the sound system, and the
lights fade to black.)
Curtain
Unspoken Laws of
Human Nature Exposed
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM
(SAM stands downstage with a pointer that he uses to illustrate

his statements. JEFF and JOAN stand upstage facing forward
stoically.)
SAM. On this planet there is no species with such poorly defined
laws of behavior as the human. Yet there are certain unspoken laws
which do hold true, especially amongst the domestic twentieth
century North American breed. Here we have a male and a female.
Can you tell which is which?
(Audience responds.)
How can you tell?
(Audience responds presumably with statements about clothes,
breasts, or beards.)
But clothing/breasts/beards can be misleading. The usual laws of
gender distinction are quite unreliable. (Using his pointer:) Size is…
highly variable, plumage…almost interchangeable, and the mating
call:
JEFF & JOAN.Hey, wanna fuck?
SAM. —baffling. Thus we are left only with the sexual organs
themselves. But even this one sure-fire method of gender distinction
is hampered through willing sexual concealment and sometimes
even falsification of bulges.
The human sexual organs are located (Circling them with his pointer:)
between the rear limbs. The clothed appearance is differentiated
only by this bulge— (He whips the pointer towards JEFF’s crotch
without looking—hopefully stopping about an inch away:) —here on the
male, occasionally quite small.
In everyday social interaction, these areas (Circling them:) are
considered “foul territory.” And, in a distinctly human trait, the
breasts (Circling:) of the female are also considered “off limits.” But
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40 Greg Allen
please note— (SAM rubs JEFF’s breast) not on the male. These zones
of forbidden fingers (Indicating with his fingers:) figure heavily in
everyday social interactions.
“But Sam, how does this affect day to day behavior?” you might
well ask.
(Audience responds. He cues them to repeat him if they do not.)
SAM. Thank you. In the human, intimacy is defined through
proximity. That is to say the relationship between a male and a
female is often defined through distance. In position number one:
(JEFF and JOAN turn to face each other about eight feet away.) they are
strangers. In position two: (JEFF and JOAN take steps towards each
other—about five feet away) friends. Position three: (Another step to be
about a foot from each other) lovers. And position four: (JEFF and JOAN
take another step so that their faces are smashed together uncomfortably)
homicidal maniacs. (SAM moves to quickly separate them from this
position.) Position number four is aberrant behavior and must be
quelled at all costs.
Without these final vestiges of human behavior, where would the
soon unrecognizable species be but cast adrift in an unforgiving
world, subject to their own passionate whims.
(JEFF and JOAN casually walk towards each other.)
JEFF.Excuse me? (He grabs her breast.) How do I get to the train station
from here?
JOAN. (Cupping JEFF’s balls and pointing over her shoulder with the
other hand:) Just take a right down at the McDonalds.
JEFF.Oh thanks.
(They lick each other’s tongue and walk off in opposite directions.)
SAM.Let’s do our best to uphold them, shall we?
Curtain
An Open and Shut Case
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM
HAROLD
MARIA
(The “Go” is called and a spotlight rises center stage. JEFF walks
into it and places a briefcase on the floor and opens it towards the
audience. He stands up and says the following with a corresponding
angular hand and head gesture, slowly indicating the trajectory of
the supposed ball.)
JEFF.He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and
came right back to where he’d kicked it from. He kicked the ball, and
it went up on a 45 degree angle…and came right back to where he’d
kicked it from.
(JEFF continues to say the line and make the gesture as SAM and
JOAN come out from opposite sides of the stage to stand on either
side of him in the spotlight. They join JEFF in simultaneously
making the gesture.)
JEFF.He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and
came right back to where he’d kicked it from.
(They continue the gesture together until JEFF suddenly stops and
turns to JOAN.)
JEFF.Barbie, (She drops his gesture) bring me my little brown hat.
(JEFF and JOAN look at each other a moment while SAM
continues to make the gesture.)
SAM.He kicked the ball, and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and
came right back to where he’s kicked it from.
(JOAN resumes the gesture with SAM. MARIA comes out from
stage left and slowly places a football on the floor as if to be kicked.
JEFF walks toward the football but MARIA slowly removes it and
makes it float up into the air before JEFF gets there. He simply
walks past it with no response. He stops and says:)
JEFF.Barbie, bring me my little brown hat.
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42 Greg Allen
(HAROLD comes out from stage left and takes JEFF’s place
between JOAN and SAM and joins them in the gesture as they
speak and move in a round.)
HAROLD.He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…
(JOAN begins.)
…and came right back to where he’d kicked it from.
JOAN.He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…
(SAM begins.)
…and came right back to where he’d kicked it from.
SAM.He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and
(JEFF turns towards the audience and says:)
JEFF.Russell kept a shotgun in the front window of his Cadillac.
(The three in the spotlight continue to make the gesture while
MARIA places the football on the other side of the stage for JEFF
to kick. JEFF walks towards it and MARIA again slowly removes
it before he gets there. He walks right through it.)
JEFF.(Slowly spelling:) C-A-D-I-L-L-A-C.
(MARIA moves to replace HAROLD who exits stage left
continuing with the gestures. JOAN and SAM also peel off and
exit continuing to make the gestures. MARIA sets up the ball
behind the lid of the briefcase. JEFF circles around to the ball which
MARIA removes just before he gets there. MARIA exits stage
right with the football. JEFF stops and, without the gesture, says:)
JEFF.He kicked the ball and it went up on a 45 degree angle…and it
(JEFF bends over, closes the briefcase, and picks it up. He takes
three steps out of the spotlight and then stops and says over his
shoulder towards the spotlight:)
JEFF.Barbie, bring me my little brown hat.
(JEFF exits off and the spotlight fades to black.)
Curtain
Writing As It Is Being Written
Cast of Characters
1
2
3
4
5
6
(This is a rapid-fire choral recitation performed by six voices a la

Gertrude Stein. Each performer lights themself with a flashlight
only when they are speaking. Voice 4 should be a man.)
1.I am writing.
1.I am writing
1 & 2.a play.
1.I am writing
1 & 2.a play
1 & 2 & 3.right now.
1.I am writing
1 & 2.a play
1 & 2 & 3.right now
1 & 2 & 3 & 4.and you are watching it.
1.I am writing
1 & 2.a play
1 & 2 & 3.right now
1 & 2 & 3 & 4.and you are watching it
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5.some time in the future.
1.I am writing
1 & 2.a play
1 & 2 & 3.right now
1 & 2 & 3 & 4.and you are watching it
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44 Greg Allen
1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5.some time in the future

1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5 & 6.at which time you will be completely unaware
of the fact…
ALL. I am writing a play right now and you are watching it some
time in the future at which time you will be completely unaware of
the fact
1.that I am writing.
1.I am writing a play.
1.I am writing a play
1 & 2.in my car.
1 & 2.in my car
1 & 2 & 3.on the way to rehearsal.
1 & 2.in my car
1 & 2 & 3.on the way to rehearsal
1 & 2 & 3 & 4.trying not to have an accident.
5.I could.
5.I could
6.be.
5 & 6.I could be
1.writing a play.
5 & 6 & 1.I could be writing a play
2.on the beach.
5 & 6 & 1 & 2.I could be writing a play on the beach
3.or in the bath.
5 & 6 & 1 & 2 & 3.I could be writing a play on the beach or in the
bath
4.or while getting a blowjob.
ALL. I could be writing a play on the beach or in the bath or while
getting a blowjob
5.but I’m not.
1.I am writing a play in my car on the way to rehearsal trying not to

have an accident and you are listening to it some time in the future
at which time you will be completely unaware of the fact that I am
writing a play.
ALL. I am writing a play in my car on the way to rehearsal trying
not to have an accident and you are listening to it some time in the
future at which time you would have been completely unaware of the
fact that I am writing a play
1.if I hadn’t told you.
1.I am finishing.
1.I am finishing
2.a play.
1.I am finishing
2.a play
3.sometime in the future.
1.I am finishing
2.a play
3.sometime in the future
4.after I got out of the car
5.and went to rehearsal
6.and didn’t have an accident.
1.I am not going to tell you in what condition I finished this play.
ALL.It’s not as pertinent as the fact that—
1.I have written.
1.I have written a play.
Curtain
Note:
In performance we found the split-second timing to be best
accomplished if the flashlights were kept on and covered and
uncovered on cue with our other hand.
Prestidigitation
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(A PERFORMER addresses the audience, demonstrating every-

thing with his hands.)
PERFORMER.Consider (Gesture) the hand.
How simple (Simple gesture) and yet complex (Complex gesture).
How individual (One hand) and yet similar (Both hands).
How capable of great pleasure (Gentle gesture) and great pain (Fist).
Five digits and a sweaty palm that combine to create man’s most
beautiful appendage.
We oft speak from the head and the heart, but what of the hand?
Consider the simplicity of its language: (“Shh” gesture, pointing,
waving, okay gesture, peace sign, flipping the bird, blow job, “so so” gesture.)
And when we are vocally impaired (In sign language:) “the hand has
a language all its own.” Could we describe a spiral staircase without
it? (Spiral gesture.)
Look at our linguistic odes to the hand: When someone is particu-
larly adept, they are called “handy.” When they are attractive, they
are “handsome.” When they are a composer, they are Handel.
We greet by shaking hands.
We may heal with the laying on of hands.
When we get married in Western culture, we do not wear a collar or
a little hat, we place a ring on the hand.
Famous hand professions: the typist (Typing), the pianist (Pianoing),
the masseur (Massaging), the Messiah (Crucifix), the pugilist (Dukes
up), the puppeteer (Talking hands).
Consider the hand’s ability to represent: (Gun hand, bunny hand,
phone, spider, jelly fish).
Think of the allure and fascination of the impaired hand: the
residual lump of someone born with six fingers, the abbreviated
hand with three and a half fingers due to a paper cutter incident, the
paralyzed hand.
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When we are limited, we have a handicap. When someone has done

wrong, they are handcuffed. In some cultures a thief is punished by
the removal of the hand altogether.
It seems as though, when the hand is broken down into its component
parts, it takes on a negative or questionable persona: the hairy
knuckles, the finger printed criminal, palmistry, the child fingerer.
Consider the hand. The most underrated of all human attributes.
It’s time to give it a fair shake.
Let’s give it a hand.
(Leads applause.)
Curtain
Henry VI, Act IV, Scene ii, Line 86
Cast of Characters
JOAN
JEFF
(Throughout this play the lights cross-fade back and forth on

stage between JEFF and JOAN who stand stage left and right
respectively addressing the audience. They try to make convincing
arguments.)
JOAN. Ladies and gentlemen, what we are to decide this evening
is what kind of punishment befits such a crime. A crime that was
premeditated, cruel, and violent. A crime that caused tremendous
grief in the lives of its victims. I believe the punishment for such a
crime should be the harshest one imaginable.
JEFF.Ladies and gentlemen, the man who stands unjustly accused
before you this evening is an average man. He puts his pants on one
leg at a time—just like you do. He loves his family, holds down a job,
and goes to the park on weekends—just like you do. The reason that
he is here this evening is just that he made one mistake, one night,
and got caught doing it. Which of us has honestly never made a
mistake—show of hands?
JOAN.This man is far from the saint my colleague would have you
believe. He is a violent, plotting, vengeful, despicable human being.
If this man were to knock on your door, you would not let him in. If
he were to ask you for a job, you would not employ him. If he were
to walk towards you on the sidewalk, you would cross the street and
walk the other way—even though it was the opposite direction from
where you wanted to go!
JEFF.Everybody close their eyes for a second. Go ahead, close them.
Now, picture yourself in this situation: You haven’t eaten today. It
has been one of the most strenuous days of your life. You go out to
get into your car and someone has stolen the engine right out from
under the hood. You go to hail a cab and you realize you’ve locked
your wallet in your office, along with your keys! You are supposed
to pick up your son from school in twenty minutes and that is forty
miles away. You are penniless, friendless, without transportation
and late. A man walking towards you vomits all over your suit and
then passes out at your feet. What do you do? (Audience response.)
Exactly! Now I’m not saying this scenario has anything to do with
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the defendant’s situation, but think about what your response would
have been!
JOAN.We have all seen footage of a lion tearing apart a wildebeest
limb from limb on some nature video. And I ask you, do we blame
the lion? Do we? (Audience response.) No. It’s instinct. But we are not
talking about a lion here. We are talking about a human being who
possesses the mental faculties to overcome such an impulse, just as
we all do every day or suffer the consequences. If I had my wish for
a just punishment, I would have this man nailed to the stage and
disemboweled by rabid beavers. But some might think that too good
an end for someone who, on the evolutionary scale, is a few steps
below a cat-fellating child-fingerer.
JEFF. Now let’s face it, we all would respond just the way the
defendant did. If a car gets in our way, we honk the horn. If a spider
crawls across the table, we squish it with our finger. If a stranger
asks us for money we take out a sharp object and plunge it up their
nose. This is what comes naturally. The Bible tells us “If thine eye
offend thee, pluck it out.” And isn’t this basically just what this man
did only to somebody else? Those old pronouns are confusing. We
live in a cruel world ladies and gentlemen, where Disney is just
another name for Satan.
JOAN. In summary, I believe that the most painful punishment
is the most just one. And although being burned at the stake
may seem arcane to some, I feel that the extra symbolic act of
simultaneously being lanced by fifty javelins brings it into line with
our contemporary norms. Let this man be buried in a box the size
of my thumb, but let the javelins remain as a testament that we did
the right thing. All in favor—get out your lighters and let’s burn this
place down!
(JOAN takes out a lighter, holds it aloft, and lights it as the stage
lights fade to black.)
Curtain
…It’s How You Do It
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
(Lights rise showing ONE, standing stage left, across from a cup
of water on a podium stage right. Quirky music plays. He looks at
the cup of water, simply walks across the stage, and drinks the cup
of water.)
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise on TWO standing stage left, across from a cup of
water on a podium stage right. She looks at the cup of water,
and suddenly runs off stage left. She runs all the way around the
theater to enter stage right and drinks the cup of water.)
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise on THREE standing stage left, across from a cup of
water on a podium stage right. He looks at the cup of water, finds
some excruciating way of moving from stage left to stage right and,
without using his hands, drinks the water.)
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise to show FOUR sitting in a chair stage left, across from
a cup of water on a podium stage right. She looks at the cup of
water, calmly takes a whistle out of her pocket, and blows it twice
quickly. FIVE runs on from off stage to stand beside her. She blows
the whistle once again. FIVE quickly crosses the stage to the cup
of water. FOUR blows the whistle twice more and FIVE picks up
the cup. Another blow on the whistle and he crosses back beside
her. FOUR blows three more times on the whistle and FIVE drinks
the cup of water. One final long blow and FIVE bends over and
delivers the water from his mouth into FOUR’s mouth. FOUR
smiles.)
Curtain
50
Macbeth
Cast of Characters
ANNOUNCER
MACBETH
LADY MACBETH
BIRNAM WOOD
(The famous roles are played very casually, without costume or

much acting by ensemble members.)
ANNOUNCER. (From offstage:) The Tragedy of Macbeth by William
Shakespeare. Act One.
(LADY MACBETH holds out a sharp knife for MACBETH.)
LADY MACBETH.Kill the king.
MACBETH.No.
LADY MACBETH.Kill the king!
MACBETH.No.
LADY MACBETH.KILL THE KING!
MACBETH.Okay!
ANNOUNCER.Act Two.
MACBETH.(Holding the knife before him:) Is this a dagger?
LADY MACBETH.Put it back.
MACBETH.Is this a Dagger?
LADY MACBETH.Put it back.
MACBETH.Is This A DAGGER!?
LADY MACBETH.Oh I’ll do it.
(She grabs the knife from him.)
ANNOUNCER.Act Three.
(MACBETH still stares at the spot where the knife was, but now
focuses on an audience member.)
MACBETH.I see Banquo.
LADY MACBETH.No you don’t.
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MACBETH. (Looking at the audience member and waving a little:) I see

Banquo!
LADY MACBETH.No you don’t.
(More enthusiastic pointing and waving.)
MACBETH.I See BANQUO!
LADY MACBETH.Banquo is dead!
(MACBETH continues to check in and wave at the audience
member he’s identified as Banquo during the next act.)
ANNOUNCER.Act Four.
LADY MACBETH.(Looking at her hands:) I see spots.
MACBETH.No you don’t.
LADY MACBETH.I See Spots!
MACBETH.No you don’t.
LADY MACBETH.I See SPOTS!
MACBETH.Your hands are clean!
LADY MACBETH.(Exiting stage right staring at her hands:) I still see
spots.
ANNOUNCER.Act Five.
(A performer “hiding” behind a pathetic little branch slowly creeps
through the audience toward the stage—this is BIRNAM WOOD.)
MACBETH.I see trees.
BIRNAM WOOD.No you don’t.
(The tree comes closer.)
MACBETH.I See Trees.
BIRNAM WOOD.No you don’t.
(The tree comes closer.)
MACBETH.(Totally freaked out:) I SEE TREES!
BIRNAM WOOD.(Right next to him:) No you don’t!!!
(BIRNAM WOOD takes out a knife and stabs him repeatedly and
says:)
BIRNAM WOOD.Stab, stab, stab.
MACBETH.Ow. Ow. Ow.
Curtain
Memorial Day
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN
(ONE stands on stage behind a podium making his speech to the

audience. His lines are overlapped by the others beginning at the *.)
ONE. “On this day, Memorial Day, we are supposed to remember
those who have fallen * in the field of battle, those who have given
their lives in service to our country, those who have put themselves
in harm’s way to defend the great principles this country was
founded on as stated in the Constitution. Sadly, today we have
a different focus. On this Memorial Day, we are reminded how
we need each other to console each other, to hold each other for a
different reason. Our children have been shot in our schools. We
ask how could this happen here? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t
have the answer to that question.”
TWO. (Entering to begin speaking at the * :) What we need is to stop
talking about it. The more publicity it gets, the more it encourages
some kid to pick up a gun and—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and TWO falls to the
ground.)
THREE. (Entering to begin right after TWO hits the ground:) What we
need to do is to keep our children from seeing images of violence on
TV, in movies, and computer games which they then imitate by—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and THREE falls to the
ground.)
FOUR.(Entering to begin right after THREE hits the ground:) What we
need to do is to strictly discipline our kids to understand that it is
not acceptable to solve your problems through violence, by picking
up a gun and—
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(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and FOUR falls to the

ground.)
FIVE. (Entering to begin right after FOUR hits the ground:) What we
need to do is put a metal detector and an armed guard at every door
of every school in America so that when someone with a gun comes
to the school to—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and FIVE falls to the
ground.)
SIX.(Entering to begin right after FIVE hits the ground:) What we need
to do is improve our ability to identify and help the mentally ill so
that when they go to buy a gun and—
(SEVEN shouts “BANG!” from offstage and SIX falls to the
ground. ONE’s speech should have ended about now. SEVEN
enters and addresses the audience.)
SEVEN.What we need to do is get rid of the fucking guns.
Curtain
The Art of Acting
Cast of Characters
PLAYWRIGHT
ACTOR
DIRECTOR
COSTUME DESIGNER
LIGHTING DESIGNER
MAKEUP ARTIST
(The ACTOR stands slightly stage left. The PLAYWRIGHT

enters and stands next to the ACTOR and quietly feeds him the
lines which he then repeats for the audience.)
PLAYWRIGHT.The playwright…
ACTOR.The playwright…
PLAYWRIGHT.writes the dialogue…
ACTOR.writes the dialogue…
PLAYWRIGHT.for the actor…
ACTOR.for the actor…
PLAYWRIGHT.so that the actor…
ACTOR.so that the actor…
PLAYWRIGHT.doesn’t have to worry…
ACTOR.doesn’t have to worry…
PLAYWRIGHT.about what to say on stage.
ACTOR.about what to say on stage.
(The PLAYWRIGHT walks off as the DIRECTOR enters and
addresses the ACTOR similarly who then repeats the words for
the audience.)
DIRECTOR.The director…
ACTOR.The director…
DIRECTOR.tells the actor…
ACTOR.tells the actor…
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DIRECTOR. (Directing the ACTOR to move center stage:) where to

move…
ACTOR.where to move…
DIRECTOR.and how to say the lines…
ACTOR.(With different inflection:) and how to say the lines…
DIRECTOR.how to say the lines…
ACTOR.(With corrected inflection:) how to say the lines…
DIRECTOR.so that the actor…
DIRECTOR.doesn’t have to worry…
DIRECTOR.about what to do on stage.
ACTOR.about what to do on stage.
(The DIRECTOR exits as the COSTUME DESIGNER enters
with a coat, scarf and hat and puts them on the ACTOR during
the following.)
COSTUME DESIGNER.The costume designer…
ACTOR.The costume designer…
COSTUME DESIGNER.dresses the actor…
ACTOR.dresses the actor…
COSTUME DESIGNER.so that the actor…
COSTUME DESIGNER.doesn’t have to worry…
COSTUME DESIGNER.about what to wear on stage.
ACTOR.about what to wear on stage.
(The COSTUME DESIGNER leaves the ACTOR dressed in
costume center stage and exits while the MAKEUP ARTIST
comes on with make-up and goes to the ACTOR. The LIGHTING
DESIGNER speaks on voiceover microphone from the booth.)
MAKEUP ARTIST.The makeup artist
LIGHTING DESIGNER.and lighting designer…
ACTOR.The makeup artist and lighting designer…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER.paint and light the

actor…
(Lights are blacked out except for a spotlight on the ACTOR.)
ACTOR.paint and light the actor…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER.so that the actor…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER.doesn’t have to
worry…
MAKEUP ARTIST & LIGHTING DESIGNER.about how he looks
on stage.
ACTOR.about how he looks on stage.
(The MAKEUP ARTIST exits. Long awkward pause while the
ACTOR, in costume and makeup in a center stage spot, waits for
someone else to come out. He glances into the wings. No one does.
Finally the ACTOR addresses the audience on his own.)
ACTOR.The actor… (Pause) …is a genius. (Smiles.)
Curtain
Ode to 17
Cast of Characters
JOAN
JEFF
SAM
MARIA
(The stage is blacked out and a spotlight rises on each side of the
stage to illuminate each speaker, alternating stage left and right. It
should have that kind of post-horrible accident, heartfelt man-in-
the-street interview feel to it.)
JOAN. I always thought she was nice. I remember her hanging
around with everybody else, not really standing out in any particular
way. She was more of a team player. When you called on her she was
always right there though, always reliable, always ready to support
the effort. Personally, I felt like I could always count on her.
JEFF.I’m not going to say I told you so—especially in light of what
happened—but I saw this coming from the day I first set eyes on her.
She was always so big on herself, always thought she was so high
and mighty, looking down on everybody else below her. But I didn’t
fall for it for a minute. I could see she wasn’t so secure. She was only
17 but she tried to act like she was 29. And good God she held that
“prime” thing over us like she was totally fucking indivisible. Well I
guess she found out the solution to that one the hard way.
MARIA. There was the one night where she wasn’t picked and I
guess we pretty much just forgot about her. I’ll always regret that.
I stay up nights and wonder was that what sent her over the edge?
That kind of neglect can really just tear someone apart. When we
came in the next night she was still there, but…you just knew there
was something horribly, horribly wrong. I should have just called
her myself. We never should have left her hanging.
SAM.Of course I was the one who found her, just like she intended.
I can tell you, quite frankly, it was a mess. It was like she’d been…
drawn and quartered. I could hardly even identify her. It looked like
she’d tried to rip herself in half but that obviously didn’t work. She
couldn’t deal with remainders. In the end I guess she was all just a
front, covering up the real personal drama behind her. Everyone
wants to feel like they count for something, even when they try to
remove themselves from the equation. So ultimately I blame myself.
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She was there for me the whole time and I never really reached out
for her. In the end I guess she got what she wanted—she got even.
Curtain
Note:
When this play is in the show, there should be no #17 on the clothesline
or on the menu. This play, however, can be any other number.
Service with a Simile
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
(ONE is seated at a small table. TWO is standing by him, looking

at him, as if to serve him. The rest of the ensemble is standing
around them on stage. Everyone is very still, almost robotic in
their physicality. Everyone delivers their lines in a flat, rapid-fire
way with no affect. No one looks at each other unless noted in the
script.)
TWO.Hello. Can I help you?
ONE.Hello.
TWO.Can I help you?
ONE.Help me?
TWO.Help you.
ONE.Help me what?
TWO.Help you…in…any way.
(Pause.)
ONE.No, I don’t think so.
TWO.You’re sure?
ONE.I don’t think so.
TWO.You’re positive.
ONE.I don’t think so.
TWO.I can’t help you.
ONE.You can’t help me.
TWO.In any way.
ONE.None.
(Pause.)
ONE.I don’t like being helped.
TWO.You don’t.
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ONE.I like to be on my own.

TWO.I see.
ONE.By myself.
TWO.Indeed.
ONE. I am completely fine sitting here by myself without anyone’s
help at all.
TWO.Yes.
(Pause.)
(THREE turns his head to address the others on stage.)
THREE.We shouldn’t be in this play.
(They all leave directly in the direction they are facing, leaving
ONE and TWO.)
(Pause.)
TWO.I’m just trying to be of service.
ONE.I know.
TWO.To assist another human being.
ONE.I know.
TWO.To make life a bit more tolerable for someone else.
ONE.I see.
TWO.To help a kindred spirit in a time of need and in so doing to
help…
(Pause.)
(ONE snaps his head to look at TWO for the first time.)
TWO.(Ashamedly:) …myself.
(TWO looks down.)
(Pause.)
ONE.I see.
(Pause.)
ONE.Get out.
TWO.I’m going.
ONE.Beat it.
TWO.I will.
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ONE.Leave.
TWO. I ’m already gone.
(TWO leaves the stage directly.)
(Pause.)
(ONE turns his head to address the audience for the first time.)
ONE.Help.
Curtain
Ten Years…and six months
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
(A vase of daisies is pre-set on a podium upstage center.

“Go” is called and “Always Something” by Yo La Tengo plays
until the “Curtain.”
1. JEFF and JOAN walk out from stage left and stage right
respectively and meet center stage. They look at each other fondly.
JEFF takes a flower out of the vase and offers it to JOAN. She
receives it smiling pleasantly. They kiss. There is a pause of
contentment. The flower accidentally slides out of JOAN’s hands
and falls onto the floor. She gives a look of incredible regret and
JEFF responds with a look of “that’s okay.”
2. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives it
smiling pleasantly. They kiss. There is a slightly shorter pause of
contentment and JOAN, a little more intentionally, “accidentally”
lets the flower drop to the floor. She gives a look of regret again and
JEFF responds with a look of “that’s okay.”
smiling pleasantly. They kiss. JOAN drops the flower but hardly
notices, still smiling. JEFF is confused.
smiling pleasantly and tosses it over her shoulder before JEFF can
kiss her.
smiling pleasantly. JOAN meticulously rips all of the petals off the
flower [as in “he loves me, he loves me not”] but then summarily
tosses the flower over her shoulder without bothering with the
result.
6. JEFF takes another flower and gives it to JOAN. She receives
it smiling pleasantly. She drops it onto the floor and grinds the
flower into the stage with her shoe.
smiling pleasantly. She takes out a lighter and burns off all of the
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petals. She then hands the burnt flower back to JEFF and exits
stage right.
8. Pause while JEFF stands with the charred flower.)
9. MARIA enters from stage right and stands across from JEFF.
They look at each other fondly.
10. JEFF begins to give MARIA his flower but sees that it is
burned and quickly withdraws it and tosses it away, hiding it
embarrassedly.
11. JEFF gets a new flower from the vase. He thinks about giving it
to MARIA. He prepares himself and his flower a bit, boosting his
confidence. He finally gives the flower to MARIA and she receives
it smiling pleasantly. There is a pause of contentment.
12. MARIA smiles and gives the flower back to JEFF. He accepts
it happily. There is another pause of contentment.
13. JEFF gives the flower back to MARIA who receives it smiling
pleasantly. There is a pause of contentment.
14. MARIA takes a new flower from the vase and adds it to JEFF’s
flower and gives it back to JEFF. He accepts it happily. A pause of
happiness.
15. JEFF takes out another flower from the vase and gives MARIA
three flowers. She accepts them smiling pleasantly. JEFF goes to
kiss MARIA but she turns her head so that he kisses her cheek.
16. MARIA takes another flower from the vase and gives JEFF
four flowers. He accepts them slightly confused. MARIA then
kisses him on the cheek. JEFF smiles contentedly.
17. JEFF takes another flower from the vase and gives MARIA
five flowers. She accepts them smiling happily. JEFF leans forward
and kisses MARIA, but on the cheek. JEFF smiles contentedly.)
(This final pattern continues as the lights slowly fade to black.)
Curtain
The Lower Depths
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN
(JEFF enters from stage left while SAM walks on from stage right.
Before they pass each other, JEFF says:)
JEFF.Hi Sam.
SAM.What do you mean by that?
JEFF.I just said “Hi Sam.”
SAM.Yes, but what do you mean?
JEFF.I just mean to say hello…
SAM.Yes…?
JEFF.…to you, Sam.
SAM.Yes, but why?
JEFF.I just want to make some…connection with you.
SAM.Because…?
JEFF.I…I like you.
SAM.What does that mean?
JEFF.I am…reaching out…to express…warmth…to you.
SAM.“Warmth?”
JEFF. I am…looking for a mutually positive reinforcement of our
beings.
SAM.Why?
JEFF.I want to feel good. I want to feel alive. I want to feel…?
SAM.But why?
JEFF.I have…low self-esteem.
SAM.What does that mean?
JEFF.I am wishing that I would feel good about myself, and happy
and confident about everything I do every second of every day.
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SAM.And therefore…
JEFF. I am approaching you and giving you a positive greeting
which I am counting on you to return in such a way that I will
feel completely vindicated in my hope and desire that I am a good
person, who deserves the love of others, and the love of myself,
every single second of every day.
SAM.Oh. Well why didn’t you say so?
(SAM exits stage left.)
(JOAN enters from stage left. JEFF turns and confronts her.)
JEFF. I am approaching you and giving you a positive greeting
which I am counting on you to return in such a way that I will
feel completely vindicated in my hope and desire that I am a good
person, who deserves the love of others, and the love of myself,
every single second of every day!
(Beat.)
JOAN.Hi Jeff.
(JEFF is touched by the hand of God.)
Curtain
Note:
In performance “the hand of God” manifested itself as a spotlight
rising while music by the Bulgarian Women Choir simultaneously
blasted as the actor tried to swim vertically into the light as it dims.
The Story of How Xxxx
Xxxxxx Xxxxxx–Xx Xxx Xxxxxxxx
Cast of Characters
SAM
JEFF
JOAN
(SAM sits on a tall stool in a spotlight onstage and addresses the

audience.)
SAM.Once upon a time, there was a boy who fell in lo—
JEFF.(Sticking his head into SAM’s spotlight and addressing the audience:)
I’d just like to clarify right now that this play isn’t about me. I wrote
the play and I’m the central figure in the play, but that person isn’t
me. …It’s about a friend of mine. Let’s call him “Steve.” …Go ahead
Sam.
(JEFF steps out of his spotlight.)
SAM.O-kay. Once upon a time, there was a boy—“Steve”—who fell
in love with a—
JEFF. (Interrupting again:) A frog! He fell in love with a frog. And
not really “in love” either—he just kind of liked her—It!—the frog.
He—he—he had a fondness for frogs and this particular frog
was pretty—was attractive—was—was—was green! He liked
green frogs—in general—all green frogs. Nothing particular about
this green frog. He “noticed” it. That’s all! He just noticed it! One
particular green frog he noticed.
(Pause.)
SAM.Are you done?
JEFF.Sure. Go on Sam.
(JEFF gets out of the spotlight.)
SAM.Once upon a time, there was a boy, “Steve,” who…“noticed”…a
“particular green frog.” The problem with…noticing this particular
green frog was that the boy, “Steve,” was—
JEFF. (Jumping back in and suddenly interrupting again:) NOTHING!
There was no problem! There was no problem at all. He—Steve—
“noticed” this particular green frog and…that was it! End of story.
He never noticed the frog again. He had no hope of ever noticing the
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frog again. And he didn’t really notice it all that much. I mean he just
barely noticed it…lying…in the grass…one day…and then moved
on. It’s not like the frog noticed him. I mean it didn’t. It didn’t! So
there was no problem.
SAM.No problem at all?
JEFF.None.
SAM.Well my lines go on to say that “Steve” wanted the “frog” to
notice him.
JEFF.But he didn’t! I mean how could he? I mean there was no hope
of the frog ever noticing him. And there were all sorts of facts and
figures and reasons about…Steve that if that ever happened his
entire life would be—
JOAN.(Putting her head into the spotlight:) Shut up Jeff!
JEFF.What?
JOAN.Shut up Jeff! At this point in the script, it’s written for me to
come out here and tell you to shut up.
JEFF.Why?
JOAN. Because you might say things that you didn’t think you
should say out here on stage.
SAM.About “frogs” and “noticing” them—
JOAN.Shut up Sam!
SAM.Is that in the script too?
JOAN.Maybe.
SAM. (Standing up and moving towards the audience:) Look, at this
point I’d just like to clarify for the audience what this whole play is
about. You see XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
(Pause.)
JOAN.Yes?
SAM.That’s it. That’s all that was written in my script. The rest was
scratched out with a black pen.
JOAN.Do you have any more lines?
SAM.Just this one.
JOAN.Good. Jeff, would you like me to explain this whole thing?
JEFF.Please.
JOAN. (Clearly making it up as she goes along:) I actually wrote this

play. It’s about my father, and his drinking problem. And how he
recently…um…fell off the wagon. So you can see this is a fairly
sensitive issue to be talking about on stage.
JEFF.Thank you Joan.
(SAM tries to speak but he has no more lines. JEFF and JOAN
look at him and smile as he struggles.)
JEFF.Curtain.
Note:
Technically, instead of the printed X’s above, the title should include
five words, one hyphenated, typed clearly and then scratched out
with a black pen. The X’s indicate a long pause, and are not meant to
be spoken as dialogue.
The Verdict
(for Rodney King)
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
(JEFF’s left hand is outstretched, as if offering the small

indistinguishable object in it to JOAN. His right hand is behind his
back.)
JOAN.What’s that?
JEFF.What?
JOAN.That, in your hand.
JEFF.Gee, I never noticed it before. You want it?
JOAN.Well isn’t it yours?
JEFF.Yeah, but you can have it.
JOAN.No, I wouldn’t want to take something away from you…
JEFF.No, I’m sure there’s plenty for both of us. Go ahead.
(JOAN thinks about it.)
JOAN.No, I can’t. It doesn’t belong to me.
JEFF.Sure it does.
JOAN.It does?
JEFF.Well no, it doesn’t belong to you, but it’s your right to have it.
JOAN.It is?
JEFF.Especially you. Go ahead.
(JOAN thinks about it again.)
JOAN.What’s in your other hand?
JEFF.Oh.
(JEFF removes his right hand from behind his back to show that
it’s holding a hammer.)
JEFF.A hammer.
JOAN.What’s it for?
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JEFF.Don’t worry about it. (Referring to the object:) Go ahead, take it.
It’s yours.
JOAN.You were going to hit me with that hammer.
JEFF.No. There are laws to protect against that kind of thing.
JOAN.So you won’t hit me.
JEFF.Go ahead, it’s yours.
JOAN.And you won’t hit me?
JEFF.Try me.
JOAN.(Pointing to the object:) But that’s rightfully mine.
JEFF.Yes.
JOAN.And I deserve it.
JEFF.Yes.
JOAN.What about the hammer?
JEFF.Oh, that’s mine.
JOAN.Can I have it?
JEFF.No. I said it was mine.
JOAN.What if I take it away from you and beat the fuck out of you
with it?
JEFF.That would be wrong.
JOAN.(Pointing to the object:) But that’s mine.
JEFF.Yes.
JOAN.What’s the hammer for?
JEFF.To protect you.
Curtain
The Voices of Walter Schuman
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
(The song “Holiday for Strings” by The Voices of Walter Schuman

begins and plays under the following. ONE and TWO alternately
step up to a microphone on a stand and say their lines to the
audience, very dryly. The microphone stand is a little short so they
have to stoop a bit.)
ONE.The next piece we’d like to perform for you is so opaque that
there’s really no point in trying to understand it. But knowing you,
you’ll probably try anyway. Thank you for coming.
TWO. For our next number we’d like you to feel necessary to the
process, but not so necessary that you really have to be here. Thank
you for coming.
ONE. For our next exercise in “knee-slapping hilarity” we need
everyone to stand up…turn around…all the way around…and then
sit back down. There, now doesn’t that feel better? Thank you for
coming.
TWO.I have three cats. …Three of them. Thank you for coming.
ONE.By way of introduction, I’d like to play the violin. I don’t play
the violin, but I’d like to. Thank you for coming.
TWO.As we enter the next portion of our program we’d like to take
you back to a time whe— Who wants ice cream!? Who wants ice
cream!? Show of hands! Thank you for coming.
ONE.We’re very happy that you’re here. I mean not you specifically
but more the idea of you. You in general. Because without you it
would be kind of a drag to do this, and we’d make less money.
Thank you for coming.
TWO.For our next number we’d like to use letters. Specifically “f,”
“c,” “k,” “o,” and “f.” But two of those “f”s. And a “u.” Do I make
myself clear? Thank you for coming.
ONE. A simpleton’s mind hits many notes of din. …That was a
palindrome. …No it wasn’t. Thank you for coming.
TWO.For our last piece we’d like to tell you what this play is about.
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ONE.It’s about two minutes.

TWO.Thank you for coming.
Curtain
Sudden Death and Resurrection
(During each night of performance every performer carries a

retractable knife and a blood-pack with them. At any moment
during any play anyone can come out on stage and stab another
performer “to death.” The victim dies a grizzly, bloody, horrible
death, pauses, and then rises from the dead to continue whatever
play they had been performing right where it was interrupted.
his play is never pulled down off the line by the audience calling
T
out its number. Nor is it given a “Go” or “Curtain.” Instead
the “killer,” after the first death, jumps up and pulls down the
number as he exits the stage after the first “murder.” Once the play
has been pulled down the following deaths just occur randomly
throughout the evening with no relation to a number being pulled.
Hopefully everyone will be “killed” during the course the show but
not necessarily.)
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Flights of Fancy
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
(A spotlight comes up on ONE upstage right. He has a butter knife

and is about to dip it into a peanut butter jar and spread it on
bread, but he stops and looks at the butter knife. He indicates that
he’s got an idea.
arry Nilsson’s “Jump Into the Fire” begins to play as the lights
H
shift to the other side of the stage where TWO is also holding a
butter knife.
e throws it a couple times at the stage floor, trying to get it to
H
stick.
He fails.
e indicates someone should bring him a different knife and
H
THREE comes out and gives TWO a big, sharp throwing knife.
He throws it down onto the stage and gets it to stick.
e then throws the knife at the upstage wall but the knife bounces
H
off. (If it happens to stick that’s okay too.)
He indicates that he needs a target and FOUR comes out and
stands against the chalkboard.)
TWO starts to throw his knife at FOUR but indicates he needs
someone else.
FOUR leaves and gets an audience member and puts them up
against the wall.
TWO prepares to throw the knife at the audience member but stops
short and indicates that the audience member should be blindfolded.
THREE comes out and blindfolds the audience member.
TWO again prepares to throw the knife but stops short when he
realizes he wants something bigger than a knife to throw.
THREE comes out and exchanges the knife for a hatchet.
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TWO prepares to throw the hatchet but stops short and realizes it
would be more of a challenge if he were blindfolded too.
THREE comes out and blindfolds TWO as well.
TWO again prepares to throw the hatchet but stops short and
indicates that he should be spun around as well to disorient him
before throwing the hatchet at the audience member.
THREE comes out and spins TWO randomly so that he is now
facing out into the audience.
inally TWO prepares to throw the hatchet into the audience. He
F
prepares to throw it once, twice, and—
he music suddenly shuts off and the light switches back to ONE
T
in his original position. He dismisses his idea with a “Nah” and
goes back to spreading peanut butter on his bread.)
Curtain
The Lamb May Lie Down With the Lion
But She Doesn’t Get a Lot of Sleep
Cast of Characters
ONE
MAN
WOMAN
ENSEMBLE
(A MAN and a WOMAN stand up vertically against the back

wall as if they are sleeping horizontally. They do not move
throughout the piece. ONE speaks the primary lines while the
rest of the ensemble echoes the parenthetical lines after him like a
chorus. All are in the dark except there are two flashlights focused
on the two “sleepers.”)
ONE. She is your friend,
(is your friend)
A new found friend
(new found friend)
She’s not your lover.
(not your lover)
A friend of your lover,
(friend of your lover)
But not your lover.
(not your lover)
Your friend has a lover,
(friend has a lover)
Who loves your friend,
(who loves your friend)
She loves her lover.
(loves her lover)
You love your lover.
(love your lover)
Your lover loves you.
(lover loves you)
The lovers are lovers.
You needed a place

(needed a place)
A place to live
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(place to live)
You’re spending the night
(for a month or two)
Just sharing a room
Just sharing a bed
In the spirit of friendship.
You climb in bed

(climb in bed)
It’s cozy and warm
(cozy and warm)
You feel her breath
(feel her breath)
It’s hard to sleep
(hard to sleep)
You toss and turn
(toss and turn)
A touch of skin
(touch of skin)
You both are nude
(both are nude)
Did I forget to mention?
(forgot to mention)
You both are nude
(both are nude)
From head to toe
(head to toe)
The way it is
(way it is)
In this time and place.
How long will it last?

(long will it last)
Will it be weeks?
(it won’t be weeks)
Or will it be days?
(it won’t be days)
Or will it be hours?
(it might be hours)
Before you are fucking
(’fore you are fucking)
Rolling and fucking
(rolling and fucking)

Fucking and rolling
(fucking and rolling)
Licking and thrusting
(licking and thrusting)
Forgetting your lover
(forgetting your lover)
Forgetting her lover
(forgetting her lover)
Forgetting your friend
(forgetting your friend)
Forgetting yourself.
(forgetting yourself)
Fucking your lover
(fucking your lover)
Fucking her lover
(fucking her lover)
And fucking yourself.
It’s time to sleep

(it’s time to sleep)
Go back to sleep
Next to your friend
Your new found friend
Just close your eyes
(close your eyes)
And try to forget
(try to forget)
The week
(the week)
The day
(the day)
The hour
(the hour)
The minute
(the minute)
You’re through.
(All together on the last line.)
Curtain
Revolution
Cast of Characters
NARRATOR
JEFF
JOAN
(An offstage NARRATOR calls the number of each act. There

are five sections to this play performed in reverse chronological
order—5, 4 and 5, 3 and 4, 2 and 3, and 1 and 2—which make up
the five acts. When the NARRATOR calls the number of the next
act, the actors drop everything and simply move to their starting
positions for the next act.)
NARRATOR.One.
JOAN.Get out!
JEFF.What are you talking about?
JOAN.Get out!
JEFF.But I love you.
JOAN.Well I don’t love you. It’s over.
NARRATOR.Two.
JEFF.Don’t go.
JOAN.This can’t go on.
JEFF.Yes it can.
JOAN.No, I won’t let it.
JEFF.We can work things out.
JOAN.Why don’t you just leave?
JEFF.I love you.
JOAN.Get out!
JEFF.But I love you.
JOAN.Well I don’t love you. It’s over.
NARRATOR.Three.
JEFF.Wait, I don’t know what’s going on.
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JOAN.I’m leaving. That’s what’s going on.

JEFF.But…oh God, I’m losing my mind.
JOAN.You’re losing a lot more than that.
JEFF.I don’t want to.
JOAN. That’s what you say now, but what about in five minutes
from now?
JEFF.Don’t go.
JOAN.This can’t go on.
JEFF.Yes it can.
JOAN.No, I won’t let it.
JEFF.We can work things out.
JOAN.Why don’t you just leave?
JEFF.I love you.
NARRATOR.Four.
JOAN. How could you…you just don’t care anymore. You haven’t
put a single ounce of effort into making this work… Well, all right,
I’m leaving.
JEFF.Wait, I don’t know what’s going on.
JOAN.I’m leaving. That’s what’s going on.
JEFF.But…oh God, I’m losing my mind.
JOAN.You’re losing a lot more than that.
JEFF.I don’t want to.
JOAN. That’s what you say now, but what about in five minutes
from now?
NARRATOR.Five.
JEFF.Get out!
JOAN.What are you talking about?
JEFF.Get out!
JOAN.But I love you.
JEFF.Well I don’t love you. It’s over.
JOAN. How could you…you just don’t care anymore. You haven’t
put a single ounce of effort into making this work… Well, all right,
I’m leaving.
82 Greg Allen
Curtain
Note:
In performance I found it easiest to block the sections chronologically
and then reverse it. The blocking for the first and fifth sections of the
play should be the same blocking for the two actors but reversed, as
is their dialogue.
Tableau for Three
(Right this way, sir)
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(The play is performed by one PERFORMER who manipulates

three chairs and calls out the acts himself. The acts are called
after each tableau is set and the only text in the play. He steps
back upstage of the chairs to present each tableau each act even
though the play needs to move pretty swiftly. Ideally he uses three
matching chairs—two normal-sized chairs and one child’s chair
which can fit beneath the adult chairs—to illustrate the tableaus.)
(One chair on stage right.)
Act One.
(A second chair on stage left.)
Act Two.
(The two chairs turn to “look” at each other.)
Act Three.
(The two chairs sit beside each other.)
Act Four.
(One chair is flipped over and placed on top of the other chair.)
Act Five.
(The top chair is placed beside the bottom chair and the “baby”
chair is slid beneath the bottom “mother” chair.)
Act Six.
(The “mother” chair is tipped backwards and the “baby” chair is
slid forward while the “father” chair stands by.)
Act Seven.
(The three chairs are placed in a row with the “baby” chair between
the other two.)
Act Eight.
(From this position, the “father” chair is tipped over away from the
other two and placed on its side.)
Act Nine.
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84 Greg Allen
(The “father” chair is removed. The baby chair is faced towards

where the “father” chair was and the “mother” chair stands by.)
Act Ten.
(The “mother” chair is tipped over away from the “baby” chair
and placed on its side.)
Act Eleven.
(The “mother” chair is removed. The baby chair faces where it
was.)
Act Twelve.
(The “baby” chair is centered and faces forward.)
Act Thirteen.
(The “baby” chair is replaced in the same spot with one of the
larger chairs.)
Act Fourteen.
Curtain
Still Image on a Wall
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER
(The lights black out, the “Go” is called, and an empty square of
light is projected on the back wall with a slide projector.)
VOICEOVER. A still image is projected on a wall in a show you’re
seeing and you think “Okay, got it, what’s next?”
And then you realize there isn’t anything next. It’s just staying there.
So you look at it again and it’s an image of a woman and a boy.
Nothing special. “She’s probably his mother” you think to yourself.
“Nice but…so what?”
You wait for the image to change.
It doesn’t.
You look a little more closely at the image and you take a guess at
when it was taken. “Probably the eighties. But look at that hair—
probably the seventies. Yeah, it’s got to be the seventies. Look at the
car in the background—the seventies.”
And the image stays.
“So what did someone think was so important that we all just stare
at the same image for two minutes?” You think “What was the title
again? “Still Image on a Wall”—that’s a lot of help. Why do people
title things like that?”
You look around to see what other people are looking at. Some of
them are looking at their programs. Others are still looking at the
image. Some are looking around.
“And what’s with this voiceover anyway? Like the guy who wrote
this thinks he’s some kind of mind reader who knows what I’m
thinking?”
“Or is he actually manipulating me into thinking these things
by dictating them through voiceover. Fuck him. I’m not going to
comply with his little mind games.”
You look back at the image.
You notice, kind of blurry in the foreground, there’s a…a something.
It’s blurry and it’s hard to make out. “Is it a toy? A little arm of a
toy?”
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It’s hard to see how big it is because the blurriness makes it hard
to tell if it’s close to the lens or far away. “It’s…a toy. Or a doll or
something. The little hand of a… HOLY GODDAMN FUCK IT
MOVED! IT JUST FUCKING MOVED!! What the FUCK? This is
“a still image on a wall.” It’s a slide projection for God’s sake not a
movie, nothing is supposed to move! It just fucking…waved at me.
It…it waved.”
Now you’re riveted. You’re staring at the little arm or the…whatever
it is to see if it will move again.
It doesn’t.
You think “Was I asleep? Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Was
I just manipulated by the damn voiceover to see something that
wasn’t there?”
You keep staring at the little arm and—
(The slide goes to black.)
the slide goes out—
(The empty slide of light comes up again.)
—and comes back up again.
It’s the same slide.
But the thing is gone.
“It’s gone. The little fucking thing is gone. What the hell?”
You look around at the other people in the audience and they’re
all just looking at the image like nothing happened, like nothing’s
wrong! Like everything’s just fine.
And you think to yourself you’re the only one, the only one who saw
it. “Everyone else if perfectly calm.”
And you go on, looking at the image, and at the others, and at the
image.
And you’re left by yourself, with your vision and your mind and
your thoughts and your eyes and your heart and your pulse and
that voice in your head.
And the image.
And the play…just…ends.
Curtain
Masterpieces of the Lyric Form
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM
(A snippet of “Crank Dat” by Soulja Boy is played. JEFF sits with

JOAN and SAM. All address the audience.)
JEFF. Good evening, and thank you for joining us. Tonight we
are examining the libretto for one of our more contemporary
masterpieces “Crank Dat” by Soulja Boy. Joining us for the analysis
is Joan.
JOAN.Hello.
JEFF.And our own musical expert Sam.
SAM.Good evening.
JEFF. As every adolescent over the age of 8 knows, Soulja Boy’s
enigmatic chorus for “Crank Dat” goes:
“Soulja Boy up In da hoe
Watch Me Crank It
Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Den Super Man Dat hoe”
Beyond the obvious Keatsian romanticism laced with allusions
to Ovid, what do you make of the underlying meaning of these
brilliant lines of abbreviated trochaic quadrameter, Joan?
JOAN.Well I have to point out Jeff, that there is quite a bit of disparity
between the exact transcription of these lines. Soulja, if I can call
him that, has once again rebelled against the reigning zeitgeist and
never officially published the lyrics. Therefore, whether he is literally
saying “up in da hoe” or “off in this hoe” is highly contested. Others
can’t even clarify whether he is speaking of a “hoe” at all, simply
substituting the final word with asterisks.
JEFF. Perhaps it’s just a reference to a gardening implement? Sam,
what do you make of the reference to washing primates?
SAM.Are you referring to the line “I got me some bathing apes”?
JEFF.Precisely.
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SAM.He’s referring to gym shoes Jeff.

JEFF.Gym shoes?
SAM. Yes. It’s clarified on another track on the album “I Got Me
Some Bapes.”
(SAM opens a book and reads:)
“Bathing Apes on my feet
Put the crowd on hold
Hatas see them on my feet
I know they get mad
Lil Arab rocking mo colors than a bag of skittles.”
JEFF.What a clever way to describe footwear. So Joan, why do you
think Mr. Boy feels a need to use the archetypal pop iconography
of Super Man as opposed to Spiderman or, for instance, the Lone
Ranger? Is this merely an apochryphal stretch for the epic?
JOAN. I don’t think so Jeff. Remember that later he also refers to
Franklin Delano Roosevelt with the lyrics:
“Watch me crank dat Roosevelt den super soak dat hoe,
supa soak dat hoe,
supa soak dat hoe,
supa soak dat hoe.”
SAM.He actually repeats it ten times Joan.
JOAN.I was paraphrasing.
JEFF. Well who knows which Roosevelt he is even referring to—it
could be Teddy or even Eleanor?
(Fake uncomfortable laughter from JEFF and JOAN.)
So Sam, what do you make of this Neitzschian imagery of the
Superman, the Ubermensch?
SAM. He’s referring to ejaculating on the back of his lady friend,
Jeff.
JEFF.Excuse me?
SAM. He’s talking about cumming all over a woman’s back and
then using the semen as an adhesive for a bedsheet which is worn
as a cape, like Superman.
(Long shocked pause.)
JEFF.(Quickly:) Well that’s all the time we have to I’d like to thank
my join us next time when we’ll be thank you and CURTAIN!
Night Vision
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
(ONE, TWO, and THREE are spread, right to left, across the
stage in the darkness. They each hold a lit flashlight in their left
hand which they cover and uncover with their right hand. Only
when they speak do they move their right hand so that their face is
lit. Departures from this pattern are noted in the script.)
ONE.I
TWO.I
THREE. I
ONE.I
TWO.I
THREE.I
ONE.saw
TWO.I saw
THREE.I saw
ONE.a woman
TWO.a woman
THREE.a woman
ONE.a woman
TWO.a woman
THREE.a woman
ONE.I saw a woman standing
TWO.standing
THREE.standing
ONE.standing alone.
TWO.I saw a woman standing alone.
THREE.a woman standing alone.
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(Pause)
ONE.It was night
TWO.night
THREE.night
ONE.It was night
TWO.night
THREE.night
ONE.It was dark
TWO.dark
THREE.dark
ONE.dark
TWO.dark
THREE.dark
ONE.And I
TWO.And I
THREE.And I
ONE.And I
TWO.And I
THREE.And I
ONE.And I loved her.
TWO.lost her.
THREE.loathed her.
(Pause.)
ONE.And I
TWO.I
THREE.I
ONE.I
TWO.I
THREE.I
ONE.I
TWO.I
THREE.I
ONE.I
TWO.I
THREE.I
ONE.never
TWO.never
THREE.never
(All faces stay lit after their word.)
ONE.ever
TWO.ever
THREE.ever
(All faces black out.)
ALL.saw her again.
Curtain
An Apology
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(The play begins in darkness. A spotlight slowly rises to show a

PERFORMER sitting in a chair. He begins quiet and sincere but
becomes increasingly vehement until he is spitting black bile by the
end—figuratively of course.)
PERFORMER. Sorry.
I’m sorry.
I… I’m sorry. I really just don’t know what else to say.
I am sorry. I am really, really so…incredibly sorry. I really cannot
express how incredibly…regretful…and filled with remorse I am.
Sorry is what I feel. I feel sorry.
I feel awful. I feel horrible—terrible. I feel…like I have never felt
before. I feel like I do not deserve to live, to breathe, to exist on
this plane of reality. I am worse than the lowliest of the low, the
absolute bottom of the abyss of filth. I am a pig. A worm. A slug. I
am a maggot, and an ugly, despicable, deformed maggot at that. One
whom the other maggots revile with such a—No! not even that!
I am a larval form of dysentery! I deserve to wallow in my own
feces! To consume the utter dregs of the bottom of a huge vat of
cat vomit!
My legs should be removed at the hip, hacked off with a—NO!
Ground off slowly in a counterclockwise motion by a machine
propelled by gerbils! My organs should be STREWN ABOUT THE
ROOM in such a way that only a highly trained medical expert
could even guess that they once belonged to the same body.
My mouth should be opened and peeled back in such a way that
my entire head is just a GIANT OPEN RUNNING SORE! My
family should be dissected! My possessions burned! My thoughts
eradicated from the spiritual world! I should die a HORRIBLY
PAINFUL TWISTED DEATH—BEFORE I WAS EVER BORN! NO! I
SHOULD LIVE FOREVER, AND SEE EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER
HOPED FOR AND BELIEVED IN DASHED TO THE GROUND
AND TRAMPLED UPON BY A HUNDRED THOUSAND
DANCING SINGING FRAT BOYS!!! I SHOULD HAVE NOTHING
HAPPEN TO ME—FOR-EVER! NOTHING AT ALL!
I SHOULD SIT IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE DOING NOTHING
WHILE EVERYONE WATCHES ME FEEL HOW SORRY I AM!!!!
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(Long pause while everyone watches him feel how sorry he is.)
(Lights slowly fade to black.)
Curtain
Give and Take
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
HAROLD
SAM
(Four chairs are set up on stage with a table in front of the far
stage left chair. Seated left to right are JEFF, SAM, JOAN, and
HAROLD. SAM, JOAN, and HAROLD each have a series of
scorecards in their hands which reveal “0” to “800” as the play
goes on. They reveal new cards when they answer a question
correctly, giving themselves more points. JEFF acts as the host of
the game and has a number of question cards in front of him that
he slams down on the table after they are answered. He also has a
whistle that he blows loudly to instigate play or cut off a question
when time has run out. The whole play should move incredibly fast
as everyone is about to bust a gut with excitement.)
JEFF. Hello and welcome to “GIVE AND TAKE”! You know the
rules, let’s meet the contestants! We’ve got Sam!
SAM.(Waving to the audience:) Hi!
JEFF.We’ve got Joan!
JOAN.(Waving to the audience:) Hi!
JEFF.And we’ve got Enid.
(HAROLD starts to wave but then looks around confused because
that is not his name. JEFF goes on before HAROLD can correct
his error.)
JEFF. Remember to answer the questions which are put you as
quickly as possible because…
ALL BUT HAROLD.“TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE”!
(HAROLD tries to follow along with this tagline but doesn’t re-
ally know it and lags pathetically.)
JEFF.Let’s go! (Blows his whistle.) Sam, how many fingers am I hold-
ing up? (He holds up two fingers.)
SAM.Two, Jeff!
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JEFF.Right! Joan, can you say “doorstop”?

JOAN.Yes!
JEFF.Right! Enid, what is your most painful childhood experience?
(HAROLD is stunned, looks around in a panic, and is unable to
say anything as everyone watches him struggle to come up with
something.)
JEFF. (Blows whistle.) Gotta be quick Enid! Sam, how do you spell
“Dog”?
SAM.D. O. G., Jeff!
JEFF.Right! Joan, are those your shoes?
JOAN.Yes!
JEFF. Right! Enid, if you had to marry your mother or your sister
who would you choose?
(All turn and look at HAROLD who struggles as he realizes there
is no good answer.)
JEFF. (Blowing whistle:) Oh tough luck Enid! Well that’s the end of
round one. Let’s see how we’re doing. We’ve got Sam with (Shows
card.) 200, Joan with (Shows card.) 200, and Enid with (Shows zero
card.) nothing. Well this will give Enid a chance to catch up because
it’s double or nothing, it’s—
ALL BUT HAROLD.“DOUBLES ROUND!”
HAROLD.(Pathetically trying to join in:) TIME IS Of the essen… (All
look at him pathetically.)
JEFF.Let’s go! (Blows whistle:) Sam, what time is it?
SAM.It’s nighttime, Jeff!
JEFF.Right! Joan is John Boehner or Benito Mussolini the Speaker of
the House of Representatives?
JOAN.Yes!
JEFF.Close enough! Enid, what is the difference between a horse…
(This is all the card says. JEFF turns the card over to see if there
is anything on the back but it is blank. He slams the card down
on the table and everyone turns and looks to HAROLD who is
writhing in his chair in frustration. After a moment JEFF blows
the whistle.)
Tough luck Enid! Sam, where is your head?
SAM.(Pointing to his head:) Right here Jeff!
96 Greg Allen
JEFF.Right! Joan, is there a God?

JOAN.Yes!
JEFF.Right! Enid, how do you masturbate?
HAROLD.(Triumphantly:) MAGAZINES AND HANDCREAM!
JEFF.Excuse me?
HAROLD.I get out the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition and rub
hand cream all over my dick!
(Everyone is aghast and slowly creeps offstage while looking at
HAROLD as if he has some horrible disease. HAROLD is left
alone in disgrace. He slowly looks down at his scorecard with zero
on it and then turns it over, giving himself 1000 points, and smiles
quietly to himself.)
Curtain
Mr. Science Demonstrates Othello
(A MAN stands behind a small table which contains the following

items: an Oreo cookie, a glass of milk, a white candle in a brass
candle holder, a box of matches, a small bottle of rum, a box of
classic Animal Crackers, a sticker with a smiley-face on it, and
a spoon. He uses these items in lecture/demonstration mode to
illustrate the story of Othello. Lines and actions are placed side by
side in order to more clearly indicate simultaneous actions.)
TEXT: ACTIONS:
Othello. Presenting the Oreo cookie to the
audience.
Desdemona. Presenting the unlit candle in its
holder to the audience.
Cassio. Presenting the glass of milk.
And I am Iago. Gesturing to himself.
Othello loves Desdemona. Lighting the candle.
Desdemona loves Othello. Holding up the candle beside the
Oreo
It’s an odd couple, but Putting them back
somehow it works. down on the table.
The story so far: Othello has Picking up
passed over his good the Oreo and
friend Iago for a medal and …waving it past himself.
a promotion
and instead has given it to Cassio. Putting the smiley face sticker on
the glass of milk.
Iago vows vengeance. Holding up the spoon threateningly.
Iago finds Cassio alone one day… Picking up the milk …
gets him drunk… and pouring rum into it
and stirring it with a spoon.
and manages to get him to kill off Reaching into the box of Animal
a rather minor character. Crackers and taking one out
randomly.
In this case, a hippo. Dropping the Animal Cracker
into the glass of milk.
Othello arrives upon the scene, Picking up the Oreo and holding it
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finds Cassio drunk over the over the glass of milk,

dead body
and immediately demotes Cassio taking the sticker off the glass,
and gives the medal and and sticking it on his shirt.
promotion to Iago.
This pleases Iago Smiling.
but he is not content. Not smiling.
Iago takes Othello aside one day Picking up the Oreo,
and opens him up to what twisting it apart to expose
he has to say the stuffing,
and plants within him the notion, scraping it out with a spoon,
the idea really, and smooshing it
that perhaps Desdemona between his fingers.
and Cassio
are fucking around.
Othello pulls himself back Placing the stuffing back
together… between the two Oreo halves,
but he is never the same again. And holding up the rather
odd-looking reconfigured Oreo.
Meanwhile, the distraught Putting the milk and candle next
Cassio goes to his friend to each other.
Desdemona to try to get her to
convince Othello to give him
back his promotion.
This, of course, is witnessed by Holding the Oreo over the
the now jealous Othello who candle flame.
gets a little heated up about the
whole thing, and this foretells Taking the candle out of its holder,
Desdemona’s ultimate demise. laying the candle horizontally across
it, and lighting the other end of the
candle so that it is now burning at
both ends.
Othello is now spinning under Flipping the Oreo in the air
Iago’s control like a coin.
and he actually asks Iago to do Picking up the rum, milk,
away with Cassio altogether. and cookie mixture.
Iago attempts … Trying to drink the entire
contents of the glass,
but fails. but failing because it is so gross.
Finally, the horribly distraught Picking up the Oreo,
Othello twisting it into two halves,
Goes to Desdemona’s holding it near the candle,

bedchamber and
Puts out the light… snuffing one end of the candle
with the cookie,
And then…
Puts out the light. And then snuffing the other
end of the candle with the cookie.
Everyone comes in and finds
the now crumbling Othello with
the extinguished body of
Desdemona. They tell him that,
of course, she was completely
innocent and that Iago had
manipulated the whole thing.
Just before Othello kills himself,
Iago is dragged in to say his Picking up the milk
final line in the play which is and cookie.
“From this time forth, I never Eating the Oreo cookie and topping
will speak word.” it off with some milk.
Curtain
Note:
Although in performance the hippo seemed to be the most amusing,
the name of the actual animal, or animal body part (“a tiger’s butt”),
that is pulled from the box of Animal Crackers should be used. If
the “execution” of Desdemona proves difficult, Iago can mention
that “she struggles.”
Love, Phil
Cast of Characters
JEFF
PHIL
(There are two chairs on stage, one with an envelope on it. JEFF
walks out, notices the envelope, sits down, opens the envelope,
removes and unfolds the enclosed letter, glances at it, and calls to
PHIL who is offstage.)
JEFF.Hey Phil. Could you come out here?
PHIL.(Coming out:) Yeah sure Jeff.
JEFF.Take a seat.
(PHIL sits in the chair beside JEFF.)
PHIL.What’s up?
JEFF. I have something here that may be of interest to you. It’s a
letter addressed to me and it seems to concern you. I’d like to read it
to you if I could?
PHIL.Sure.
JEFF. Great. It goes (Reading:) “Dear Jeff, the following may come
as a shock to you, but I feel the truth must be known. Under no
circumstances should Phil be told the contents of this letter. (JEFF
does a quizzical take to PHIL.) If he were to be confronted with it, I’m
sure he would deny everything, accuse me, and possibly become
violent, so please be careful. The truth is—Phil is not what he
appears to be.”
PHIL. (Exploding from his chair:) THAT’S A LIE! THAT’S A GOD-
DAMN FUCKING LIE!!!
JEFF.Wait a minute Phil, let’s see what he goes on to say—
PHIL.I DON’T CARE WHAT HE GOES ON TO SAY JEFF, BECAUSE
HE’S A GODDAMN FUCKING LIAR!!! He’s the one you can’t trust!
He’s the one that’s got something to hide! That asshole! (PHIL knocks
over his chair.)
JEFF.God, just settle down! There’s more here.
PHIL.That asshole.
JEFF.Can I go on?
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PHIL.Sure.
JEFF.You’re sure you want me to—?
PHIL.Go ON Jeff!
JEFF.Okay! Okay. It goes on to say “As I mentioned, absolute secrecy
is mandatory because if Phil ever got this news his violence could
be the least of it.” (JEFF looks at PHIL worried.) “Through my own
intimate knowledge, I believe he might fall into a dark depressive
mood, complete with nervous twitchings and tiny outbursts under
his breath.”
(Through the above paragraph, PHIL gradually appears darkly
depressed and begins to mutter violently under his breath,
accompanied by nervous spasms. JEFF just stares at him oddly.)
JEFF.(Continuing to read with fear:) “Just when you find him almost
unintelligible…”
(PHIL mumbles something unintelligibly.)
JEFF.“…you’ll notice a new tendency towards imitation.”
PHIL.(Mumble mumble.) …endency towards imitation.
JEFF.“At first this is quite stunning…”
PHIL.At first this is quite stunning…
JEFF.“…but soon becomes…”
PHIL.…but soon becomes…
JEFF.“…downright annoying.”
PHIL.…downright annoying.
JEFF.“This will only persist…”
PHIL.This will only persist…
JEFF.“…for short time…”
PHIL.…for a short time…
JEFF.“…until he…”
PHIL.…until he…
JEFF (Reading) and PHIL (Speaking) SIMULTANEOUSLY.
“…actually catches up to you, and then, by some unbelievable freak
of nature…”
PHIL.…overtakes you.
JEFF.“…overtakes you.”
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PHIL.And actually predicts what you will say…

JEFF.(Reading:) “And actually predicts what you will say…”
PHIL.…before you can…
JEFF.“…before you can…”
(PHIL pauses manipulatively while JEFF struggles futilely to
pronounce the last words of the sentence before PHIL. PHIL
finally relieves him.)
PHIL.…say it.
JEFF.“…say it!”
PHIL.It is now that Phil is at his most powerful…
JEFF.(Still reading:) “It is now that Phil is at his most powerful…”
PHIL.…most manipulative…
JEFF.“…most manipulative…”
PHIL.…and most dangerous…
JEFF.“…and most dangerous…”
PHIL.…as I actually get you to eat your own earwax on stage.
JEFF.“…as I actually get you to eat your own earwax on stage.”
(JEFF looks at PHIL doubtfully but his pinky suddenly jerks up
as if out of his control and violently plumbs the depths of his left
ear, jerks back out, and, as JEFF begins to protest, swiftly descends
with its hideous cargo into JEFF’s gaping mouth.)
PHIL.Love, Phil.
JEFF.(Reading in shock and disgust:) “Love, Phil.”
Curtain
Note:
This play is named after Phil Ridarelli who performed it originally
and brilliantly. The title however should be changed to reflect the
name of the person performing the role.
The Pitter-Pat of Tiny Feet
Cast of Characters
MAN
MAN.I had a baby last week.

We did, my wife and I.
For about twelve hours until the pregnancy test came back negative.
Yes, we had a baby the minute she woke up sick, throwing up into
the toilet—which at first was cause for sympathy and concern, but on
second thought became a sign, a symbol of something yet to come, a
tangible manifestation of an eight-pound six-ounce bouncing baby
boy named Noah or Abraham (girl’s names yet to be announced)
drooling on my shoulder and spitting up in a much cuter way than
his mother was now bent gagging over the porcelain throne.
Yes, one little stream of vomit and our lives were irrevocably changed.
After all, we had been talking about when and how and where just
the other morning, but now that my wife’s puking we don’t even have
to plan the damn thing! To say nothing of “trying” to get pregnant,
like so many couples talk about “trying” to get pregnant for months
and months and months—which does sound like fun—but think of
the anxiety, anxiety which is now eliminated because the bathroom
is resonating with the SACRED CRYPTIC SONG OF THE GODS!
A veritable beacon! An angel’s cry! A (choking) HALLELUJAH A
CHILD IS BORN on this day (plus nine months) and this home will
be graced with the babe wrapped in Bohemian clothes and crying in
a manner which will wake us up at all hours of the night yearning
for life-giving sustenance and love and warmth and attention and
knowledge and experience of the world, and protection from the
evil that lurks in the hearts of men!
A little screaming presence to quiet and coddle, to teach to say
“Dad” and “Mom” and “Neo-Futurism.”
To put one foot in front of the other to crawl and walk and run.
To put on a bike and send off into the world…and bandage his head-
wounds when he comes back.
To show how to tackle any challenge that stands in his way, whether
it takes the form of a societal injustice or a bully with a baseball bat.
To never bend to the whips of conformity nor the whims of
inhibition.
To say “Dad, I want the keys. I going out on a date and I may not
come home!”
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To have every experience from mountain climbing in the Alps to

major hallucinogens in the alley.
To have all the power and joy and self-confidence that I had—
HAVE!…have.
And then the test came back negative.
And although part of me was sad that somewhere a little idea of a
child died, I was also relieved to have at least a few more months
where I was just responsible for myself and my life.
Where a cry was just a cry and where throwing up was just gross,
and nothing more.
Curtain
Oleanna by David Mamet
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN
(A MAN and a WOMAN stand on stage.)

WOMAN.You’re a dog.
MAN.What?
MAN.What are you talking about?
MAN.How could I possibly be a dog?
WOMAN.You’re a dog. You are canis familiaris. You have paws instead
of hands. Your nose is cold, your hair is shaggy, when you speak to
me you are barking.
MAN.I’m a dog?
WOMAN.That’s right.
MAN. I’m down on all fours with long floppy ears and a wagging
tail, chase cars, bite mailmen, and lick myself periodically?
MAN.I drool a lot?
WOMAN.Yes.
(The MAN pants like a dog for her. The WOMAN nods her head.)
MAN.And I’m barking.
WOMAN.Yes.
MAN.If I’m barking how can you understand me? Are you a dog?
WOMAN.No. I am not a dog.
MAN.But you can understand me?
WOMAN.Everybody understands you.
MAN.Is everybody a dog?
WOMAN.Some.
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106 Greg Allen
MAN.Some? Is… (Pointing to a man in the audience:) this guy a dog?

WOMAN.Yes.
MAN.Yes? (Shaking the audience member’s hand:) Hey, how you doing?
How’s the litter? You get that flea problem taken care of? (Audience
member responds or not.) So we’re both dogs?
WOMAN.Yes.
MAN.What about… (Pointing to a woman in the audience:) her?
WOMAN.No.
MAN.No? What about (Pointing to a man in the audience:) him?
WOMAN.Yes.
MAN.And him? (Pointing to another man.)
WOMAN.Yes.
MAN.I see a pattern forming here. So if I’m a dog, every guy in this
room is also a dog.
MAN. Well why don’t you test us and put a fire hydrant out here
and see if we run up and pee on it?
WOMAN.I don’t have to.
MAN.Or throw a stick across the room and tell us to fetch?
WOMAN.There’s no need.
MAN. Or hold out your leg and let us rub up against it you God
Damn FUCKING BITCH! YOU BITCH! YOU GODDAMNED BITCH!
AAARRRRGGGHHH!
(The MAN mockingly humps her leg like a dog but then angrily
attacks the woman—throwing her down and attempting to mount
her doggie-style. The WOMAN throws him off and pulls away
from him. The MAN looks at the WOMAN in horror at what he
had become, realizing her truth.)
WOMAN.Yes. That’s right. That’s right.
Curtain
The River Stynx
Cast of Characters
WOMAN
MAN
(A MAN and a WOMAN sit on stage. The MAN faces forward

with the WOMAN slightly behind and to the side of him
holding a clipboard. He sits very still, making eye contact with
individual audience members throughout, feeling very much under
surveillance. She calmly asks him the questions, periodically taking
notes on his responses.)
WOMAN.So what’s happening now?
MAN.…
WOMAN.So what’s going on for you now?
MAN.Voices keep asking me questions.
WOMAN.What kind?
MAN.Questions with incomplete sentence structure.
WOMAN.Do they ever ask you the same question?
MAN.No.
WOMAN.How long have you been hearing the voices?
MAN.They just started.
WOMAN.Do you recognize the voices?
MAN.Yes.
WOMAN.Do they ever ask you the same question?
MAN.Sometimes.
WOMAN.Do you answer the voices?
MAN.Yes.
WOMAN.How do you answer?
MAN.Simply.
WOMAN.Can you give me an example?
MAN.Yes.
(Pause.)
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108 Greg Allen
WOMAN.Can you identify the voices?

MAN.They asked me not to.
WOMAN.They told you not to?
MAN.No. They asked.
WOMAN.Do you feel a need to obey the voices?
MAN.Yes.
WOMAN.Do the voices have power over you?
MAN.Yes.
WOMAN.Do they threaten you?
MAN.Yes.
WOMAN.What do they threaten you with?
MAN.Horrible things.
WOMAN.(As if quoting:) “Can you tell me what these things are?”
MAN. Yes. (As if suddenly in a trance, reciting:) “They asked me to
tell them my worst nightmare. Then they asked me to tell them
the most vulnerable spot on my body. And then they asked me to
imagine that my nightmare would be surgically implanted there if
I ever said who you were.”
WOMAN.Who “I” was?
MAN.(Quickly:) Who they were.
(Pause while MAN panics.)
WOMAN.Do you know that it’s true?
MAN.(Turning to face her for the first time:) Is it true?
WOMAN.Oh yes.
(From where she is sitting, the WOMAN very very slowly reaches
out her left index finger and places it on the tip of the MAN’s
nose.)
Curtain
Shaken
Cast of Characters
MAN
(A MAN stands on stage with a sack of sugar.)

MAN.I remember seeing this commercial—you know the one. The
baby’s crying and the phone’s ringing and the mother’s trying to
cook dinner. And the baby’s crying and the phone’s ringing and the
dinner’s boiling over. And the baby’s crying and the mother’s trying
to answer the phone and the dinner’s burning. And the baby’s
crying and the mother’s screaming into the phone and the dinner’s
splashing all over the kitchen. And with this look of fury in her eyes
the mother lunges for the baby and the image freezes!
And then this voiceover says something like “Stop! Before you take
it out on your child.”
And I remember thinking “Good God how horrible! This woman
must be crazy! How could you possibly let it get to you to the point
of shaking your own baby to death? This ad must be aimed at those
single parents who live in the slums with 36 kids and no education.”
And then I had my beautiful little red-haired, blue-eyed, cute-as-a-
pumpkin son. And I get to play with him every day as I take care of
him. And every day his smile fills my heart with joy. But, with equal
force, his cry just sends knives through my soul. So I feed him and
I hold him and I change him and I rock him and I put him to bed.
(The MAN begins to move the sack of sugar back and forth between
his hands. This gradually escalates through the following.)
But sometimes these things don’t work and the screaming goes on.
And it goes on. And I love him more than anything else in the world
and I’m responsible for making him feel better right now and I can’t
do it. And he screams.
So I pick him up and I move him around to different rooms and he
screams.
And I smile and I try to laugh it off and I say “that’s okay” and he
screams.
And I tell myself “you should be able to handle this” and it’s 3am
and he screams.
And I’ve got money and education and family support and he
screams.
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And I’ve been non-violent since I was twelve and he screams and I
want it to stop.
I just want to do anything to stop the pain—that he feels, that I feel,
that’s clawing its way into my heart and tearing my hair out and he
screams.
And I’ve read stories of the horrible, terrible, awful parents who
throw their babies out the window or smother them with a pillow
and I know it’s unthinkable but I am there!
I am right there right now and I want it to stop now!
I want to end the screaming and I want to end the pain and I want to
just pick him up and SHAKE THE FUCK OUT OF HIM!
(After escalating to violently shaking the sack of sugar the MAN
freezes.)
But I don’t.
So far.
Curtain
Ad Nauseam
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
(An offstage voice calls out “Act One!” as ONE and TWO walk on
from stage left. They are nervous and awkward.)
ONE.Well… I had a nice time.
TWO.Yeah…it was…um…
ONE.It was fun.
TWO.Yeah, it was nice. It was fun.
(They laugh and fidget uncomfortably.)
ONE.Well…um…I gotta go.
TWO.Yeah, it’s late.
ONE.I’ll… I’ll see you around.
TWO.Yeah… I’ll see you.
ONE.Goodnight.
TWO.Bye.
(ONE and TWO exit in the opposite directions without any
expression of affection, despite their obvious desire to have one.
he offstage voice calls out “Act One!” ONE and TWO enter from
T
either side of the stage and repeat the previous scene as exactly
as possible, using the same inflection and timing, until they once
again exit in opposite directions.
T he offstage voice again calls out “Act One!” and ONE and TWO
enter again and execute another repetition of the scene. This
pattern continues “ad nauseam” until someone in the audience
can’t stand it any more and calls out some alternative solution to
their predicament. When a solution is offered ONE and TWO act
on it as honestly as possible and the “Curtain” is called.)
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Bad Review
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
HAROLD
WILLIAM
(JEFF sits in a chair center stage reading his text from a newspaper.
For the staging for the rest of this play, the performers basically do
what is described in the text.)
JEFF. (Reading:) “Jeff’s latest entry for the ever-changing Too Much
Light Makes The Baby Go Blind menu once again relies on the tired
and true trope of self-conscious meta-theater—a style which, after
20 years, Jeff has perfected and painfully driven into the ground.
The conceit is obvious, the writing too clever, the staging static.”
SAM.(Entering and doing something physical:) “Only with the entrance
of the charming (SAM’s full name.), a relatively new face to the
stage, do things really get going. His winning boyish good nature
and stunning physical dexterity…” (He performs some act of physical
dexterity) “…really build hopeful expectations in the audience.”
JEFF.(Back to reading:) “Unfortunately,”
(SAM exits.)
“Jeff lacks the generosity or foresight to stick with Sam as his
protagonist, instead reserving that role for himself in a rather
misguided denial of his age and ability. This is never so obvious as”
(He stops reading and moves to an audience member.) “when he makes
an embarrassing attempt to ingratiate himself with an audience
member” (JEFF gives a flower to a woman in the audience.) “—a young
woman he obviously finds attractive on the night I attended.” (An
awkward non-verbal moment ensues.) “Her awkwardness at his cloying
offer reveals just how out of touch Jeff really is.”
SAM.(From the wings:) “Sam, on the other hand, could have handled
this moment with great aplomb.”
HAROLD.“Luckily, experienced actors Harold…”
WILLIAM.“…and William…”
HAROLD & WILLIAM.“…offer some relief from the monotonous
drone of Jeff’s voice…”
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HAROLD.“…by engaging in some…”

WILLIAM.“…quick…”
HAROLD.“…witty…”
WILLIAM.“…banter,…”
HAROLD.“…and a surprising moment of physical violence.”
(WILLIAM hits HAROLD with an unseen Whiffle Bat.)
WILLIAM & HAROLD.“But they are once again banished from
the stage by Jeff’s solipsosm.”
JEFF.“Solipsism.”
WILLIAM & HAROLD.“Solipsism.” (They exit.)
JEFF. (Reading:) “This critic cannot help but wonder where are the
women in this oddly all male cast? Is this an intentional comment
on the male ego, or merely a sexist oversight?”
“In one hopeful, surprising turn of events, Jeff stops referring to
himself in the third person and…” (Dropping the paper, not reading, and
speaking honestly to the audience:) I actually seem to acknowledge what
is going on on stage. This could lead me to a greater understanding
of myself and my surroundings and why I need to hide behind
these contrivances… (Back to reading:) “but alas he cannot resist the
double-back, turning this honest moment into just one more self-
referential gimmick. It’s also worth noting that Jeff still shows no
great ability to here…memorize his lines verbatim…here.”
“In conclusion, this is a shadow of Jeff’s early meta-theatrical
masterpieces yet he steals from them all, showing a sad lack of
originality. Frankly, this critic thinks it’s time for him to shit or get
off the stage. His repeated stabs at self-effacement merely heighten
the obviousness of his own pathetic pomposity. And his final
attempt at redemption with a clever ending is both sudden and—”
Curtain
Fool-Hearty
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
(ONE sits on stage beside TWO.)

ONE.I love you.
TWO.I don’t.
(TWO exits.)
ONE. I think that’s one of the great fears—to lay it all on the line,
to take your raw throbbing pulsing beating heart out of your chest,
hand it to someone, and then they get our their spiked golf shoes
and do A DEMONIC TAP DANCE ON IT!
(THREE enters and sits beside ONE.)
ONE.I think you’re pretty great.
THREE.You’re not.
(THREE exits.)
ONE.But the thing is—you’ve got to hang in there, you’ve got to just
forge ahead and take the risk that just because you unconditionally
give your heart to an ultimately unknown identity, it doesn’t
necessarily mean they’ll put it in one of those ratcheted iron table
vices and slowly crush EVERY OUNCE OF LIVING TISSUE OUT
OF IT!
(FOUR enters and sits beside ONE.)
ONE.It was a nice day today, hunh?
FOUR.No.
(FOUR exits.)
ONE. I mean just because a certain pattern may seem to be
evidencing itself in a kind of bold, tactilely painful way, doesn’t
mean it will necessarily continue on into a never-ending hell
equal to having someone SLICE open your stomach, RIP out your
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INTESTINES, NAIL them to a TREE, and force you to RUN AROUND

IT DISEMBOWELLING YOURSELF!
(FIVE enters and sits beside ONE.)
ONE.Do you…know what time it is?
FIVE.Yeah, it’s about 8:30 (Or whatever the actual time is).
(Pause as FIVE smiles at ONE and ONE smiles back, and then at
the audience.)
ONE. You know, there’s always hope—if you’re just persistent and
go with what you feel. There’s always a future, and you never know
what it’s going to be.
(Turning to FIVE.)
I love you.
(Just as FIVE is about to respond someone shouts “CURTAIN!”)
Snacktime at the RNC
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER
(As the voiceover text begins, a spotlight rises to show an ensemble

member on stage holding a large American flag. As the text goes
on, the flag begins to sway back and forth and then wave to and
fro. By the end of the text the flag should be vigorously—almost
violently—waved back and forth in the spotlight.)
VOICEOVER. The crudités and honeydew melons glow bright
beneath the florescent fixtures as the glad-handing suddenly
turns sour at the back of the room. The speaker glances up from
his teleprompter before launching into that bit about Democratic
infanticide, and just in time to see the first of the scarlet flames
licking the wallpaper with its bubbling tongue.
Toothy self-serving smiles open wider as the first fully-engulfed,
unlucky few emit thunderous notes not previously included in a
Western scale. What with the sudden rise in blood pressure and
Tibetan throat yodeling, this much energy hasn’t been witnessed
from a bunch of old white men since it was time to lynch a darkie.
But here they are, leaping and climbing and tearing at each other to
escape the withering heat like puppies at a pig roast.
But the fire doors open in.
No one expected that as the roar quickly drowns out the screams
and circumnavigates the ballroom not once, not twice, but thrice
in a balletic move worthy of Nureyev. The coughs and sputters, the
gasps and groans of the victims crescendo and wane as the bodies
roll and burn, burn and roll on the once paisley carpet. Finally
reduced to crackling crispy igneous rock-like figures, the GOP lies
silent.
Somewhere a polar bear breathes a sigh of relief.
(Fade to black.)
Curtain
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It’s A Breeze
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
(Four men stand on stage.)

ALL.Hi.
ONE.We’re male.
TWO.And white.
THREE.Not only that, but we’re young.
FOUR.Yup, four young white men.
TWO.Think of the power.
ONE.You know, life’s a breeze when you’re young, white, and male.
FOUR.Yup, we can do anything we want to.
THREE.We can go anywhere we please.
TWO.The future is anything we want to make it.
ONE.WE can be head of the household.
THREE.We can run large corporations.
TWO.We can be elected to major political offices.
FOUR.Like mayor.
THREE.Or senate.
ONE.All because we’re young, white, and male.
TWO.Thank God we’re not women.
FOUR.Or black.
THREE.Or queer.
TWO.You mean you’re not…?
THREE.No.
ONE.(To TWO:) I thought you were…?
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118 Greg Allen
TWO.No, not me. (To FOUR:) Maybe…?

FOUR.No, don’t look at me.
TWO.Oh my God! And straight! We’ve got it made!
ONE.You know, the other day, I hired one of us for a job.
(Others congratulate him.)
THREE.I just wrote a book about one of us.
(Congratulations all around.)
TWO. You know last night, I went to the theater and saw a play
about being just like us.
(High praise from others.)
FOUR. (To the others:) Who are you going to vote for in the next
election?
OTHERS.(After looks of confirmation.) One of us!
ONE.You know, life’s a breeze for us. We can do anything we want
to, because…
ALL.We’re young, we’re white, we’re straight, and we’re male.
Curtain
King Lear
Cast of Characters
LEAR
REAGAN
CORDELIA
ANNOUNCER
(Three performers portray LEAR, REAGAN, and CORDELIA.

As with “Macbeth,” the famous roles are played very casually
without much acting. Another performer serves as ANNOUNCER
to proclaim the acts. At top, LEAR stands center stage wearing a
coat and tie.)
ANNOUNCER. The Tragedy of King Lear by William Shakespeare.
Act One!
(REAGAN walks on from stage left to meet LEAR, sitting in a
chair, and stops.)
LEAR.Do you love me?
REAGAN.Yes.
(REAGAN exits stage left. LEAR is pleased. REAGAN enters
again from stage left and stops beside LEAR.)
REAGAN.Yes.
(REAGAN exits stage left. LEAR is more pleased. CORDELIA
enters from stage right to meet LEAR and stops.)
CORDELIA.Nothing.
(CORDELIA hangs her head and exits stage right.)
LEAR.What?!
ANNOUNCER.Act Two!
(LEAR is blind. He slowly stands and begins to feel his way
around the stage. REAGAN walks on from stage left. LEAR hears
him enter, finds and stops him, holding him by the shoulders.)
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120 Greg Allen
REAGAN.Yes.
(LEAR removes his coat and gives it to REAGAN. REAGAN
continues on to exit stage right. LEAR gropes around the stage.
REAGAN, now wearing the coat, crosses from stage right to left
and is again stopped by LEAR.)
REAGAN.Yes.
(LEAR removes his shirt and tie and gives them to REAGAN.
REAGAN exits stage left. LEAR gropes. REAGAN enters stage
left with the coat, shirt, and tie and is stopped by LEAR.)
REAGAN.Yes.
(LEAR removes his watch and gives it to REAGAN. REAGAN
begins to exit again but realizes his benefit and returns to LEAR,
tapping him on the shoulder so that he can easily find him.)
REAGAN.You bet.
(LEAR removes both his shoes and gives them to REAGAN.
REAGAN is disappointed and exits with them stage left. LEAR is
left alone on stage, groping and listening for REAGAN’s return.
He inevitably hears noises from the audience and moves towards
whomever he hears. When he runs into someone, he holds them
by the shoulders and asks “Do you love me?” If they answer “yes”
he removes his socks and gives them to the audience member. The
audience responds to this, causing more noise which LEAR moves
to find. When he finds someone, he takes them by the shoulders
and asks “Do you love me?” If they answer “yes” he removes and
gives them his pants. He again moves towards the noise he hears,
takes them by the shoulders and asks “Do you love me?” If they
answer “yes” he removes and gives them his underwear. LEAR
is now left alone, blind, and naked. He backs up onto the stage,
attempting to cover himself, overwhelmed with vulnerability.)
LEAR.Lear…I…nothing…am.
(LEAR gropes his way off stage left.)
ANNOUNCER.Act Three!
(CORDELIA enters from stage right carrying a large brown
paper grocery bag. REAGAN enters from stage right and meets
her center stage and seats her politely in the chair. He then takes
the bag from her, seats her in the chair, kneels on the floor, and
removes a styrofoam head and a saw from the bag. He cuts the head
through at the eyes making as much excruciating noise as possible
with the saw. While he does this, although it causes her no pain,
CORDELIA slowly goes blind. He puts the saw and the two parts
of the styrofoam head back into the bag, gives it to CORDELIA,
and exits stage left. CORDELIA clutches the bag to her chest and
gropes her way blindly off stage right.)
ANNOUNCER.Act Four!
(LEAR crawls out from stage left, wearing a coat to cover his
nakedness. CORDELIA crawls out from stage right. They crawl
towards each other, groping their way across stage, but crawl past
each other. They stop, sensing the other’s presence, and crawl
back towards each other but miss each other again. They again
stop and crawl towards each other until they meet. LEAR grabs
CORDELIA by the shoulders and desperately asks “Do you love
me? Do you love me?” but CORDELIA does not answer for she
has gone deaf. LEAR continues to shake her and ask “Do you
love me?” until REAGAN crosses the stage and throws a glass
of water in LEAR’s face. LEAR now regains his sight and sees
that it is CORDELIA, clutches her to his chest, and quietly says
“Howl…howl…howl.”)
Curtain
Note:
If at any time a questioned audience member does not respond
positively when asked “Do you love me?,” the questioning stops and
LEAR then backs up on stage feeling vulnerable and saying “Lear…I
…nothing…am.”
Guilty
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
(Six performers spread out around the stage in the dark, not in
order, addressing the audience. Each has a flashlight and lights
their own face when they speak. With each line they keep their
flashlight on, adding to the lit faces of the previous lines, until the
blackouts indicated in the script.)
ONE.We will search.
TWO.And you will be found.
THREE.There is no escape.
FOUR.Resistance is futile.
FIVE.You can run…
SIX.—but you can’t hide. (Blackout.)
(Beat.)
ONE.We will catch you.
TWO.The truth will out. (Blackout.)
THREE.No one is innocent.
FOUR.Everyone is guilty. (Blackout.)
FIVE.It may be a secret…
SIX.—to you…
ONE.—but not to us.
TWO.Everyone is a suspect…
(They converge on one audience member.)
THREE.—but we know it’s you.
FOUR.And you know it’s you. (Blackout.)
122
FIVE.It’s time to confess. (Blackout.)

SIX.Why not say it now?… (Blackout.)
ONE.And save us time on the clock. (Blackout.)
TWO.You have five seconds to confess.
(ONE through SIX shine their flashlights into the chosen audience
member’s eyes.)
ALL.FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!
(The audience member confesses their guilt.)
(Blackout.)
THREE.There.
FOUR.Don’t you feel better?
FIVE.We do.
SIX.It’s good to get that off your chest. (Blackout.)
(Beat)
ONE.Now let’s start again.
(They all shine their flashlights into other audience members’ eyes.
After a few beats…)
Curtain
Practice Makes Prefect
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN
(A small table is pre-set center stage. As JEFF is speaking, SAM

comes out with an upside down glass full of water on a piece of
cardboard that keeps the water from spilling out. He places it on
the table and slides out the cardboard. He leaves it there, and exits.)
JEFF. When you set out—when you—when you—when you set
out—when you set out to—to do—to do—to do something, there
are those—there are those—there are those who—who—who—who
need to—need to—need to—to—to think—to think—to think—to
think it—to think it—
JOAN.When you set out to do something, there are those who need
to think it over.
(JOAN picks up the glass and the water pours all over the table
and the floor. SAM comes out with another upside down glass of
water and leaves it on the table.)
JEFF.But—but—but there are also those—those—those who—those
who—those who—there are also those who act rashly—act rashly
before—before—before—before they have—they have—they have—
they have thought—have thought what—have thought what to—
what to—what to—have thought what to—
JOAN. But there are also those who act rashly before they have
thought what to do.
(JEFF picks up the entire table and turns it upside down, removes
the glass, and drinks it. SAM comes out with a pitcher of water.)
SAM.Given the latter or the former…I pick the neither.
(SAM slowly fills the glass up with water from the pitcher but
then just keeps on pouring as the glass overflows all over the table
and the floor until “Curtain!” is called.)
124
Note:
Jeff’s lines are not stuttering. They should be delivered as slightly
poetic repetition.
That Summer Feeling
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
(Six ensemble members stand onstage and address the audience.)

ONE.It’s summer.
TWO.It’s hot.
THREE.People wear comfortable clothes.
FOUR.Tight fitting.
FIVE.Loose fitting.
SIX.More and more skin to be seen.
(They begin to approach the audience.)
ONE. Sun-baked bodies take on a healthy glow as they come your
way.
TWO.You find your eyes lingering on…
THREE.their arms…
FOUR.their necks…
FIVE.the depths of their shirt line…
SIX. the curves and contours of a few people you find yourself
specifically, idiosyncratically drawn to…
(They each gravitate towards someone they are attracted to,
checking them out.)
ONE.And you watch them…
TWO.And you find yourself…
THREE.Thinking about…
ALL.Sex.
126
(Blackout. As each person speaks they are lit by a flashlight held

by someone else in the ensemble. Everyone chimes in on the word
“sex.”)
FOUR. At first it’s kind of the “I’m ashamed—I shouldn’t be
thinking about this—I’m involved with somebody” SEX.
FIVE. But soon turns into the “Oh who cares—innocent flirting—
joking with each other—getting to know a new friend (with a great
body)” SEX.
SIX. Or on to the “turned out the lights—going to bed—what do
I think about?—his tongue slowly making its way down from my
neck” SEX.
ONE. And then the “back of the car—fully clothed—hand
mauling—sucking each others’ tonsils out—junior high school”
SEX.
TWO.The “quiet—late night—hand down your pants—Mom’s in the
next room—Adrienne Barbeau TV movie” SEX.
THREE.The “desperate—balls up—nipples hard—fingernails leaving
gashes in my back—haven’t seen you in three weeks—fuck me
now!—bestial” SEX.
FOUR. The “pools of sweat saturating the bed sheets—can’t quite
get there—been going at it for three hours despite this farting noise”
SEX.
FIVE. The “delicate tender kisses on my balls—one more and I’m
going to come all over your forehead” SEX.
SIX. The “right there—to the left!—to the LEFT!—bite it!—BITE you
asshole!” SEX.
ONE. The “screaming—public—I DON’T CARE who else is in the
room/in the house/across the street calling the cops because they
think someone is being decapitated”—orgasmic SEX!
(Everyone has an orgasm in the dark.)
TWO. The…the…the… “I think I’m having a heart attack—get off
me!—GET OFF ME!” SEX.
THREE.The “thank you, thank you that was really nice—I’ve really
got to go—what was your name again?” SEX.
FOUR.The “Oh my God I didn’t know it was possible for my entire
head to fall asleep” SEX.
128 Greg Allen
SIX. The “What?—What are you doing?—no, No!, that’s way too
sensitive! Way too…yes, YES!—second, third, and fourth time
around” SEX.
FIVE.The (Nonverbal growling, gurgling, and cooing.) SEX.
ONE.And then…
TWO.And then…
THREE.And then…
FOUR.You start thinking about…
ALL.Winter.
Curtain
The Story of Hand in Glove
Cast of Characters
HAND
GLOVE
(This is a solo puppet show performed by a performer’s right

hand and the right hand glove held in their left hand. The glove is
minimally puppeted.)
GLOVE. H
ello Mr. Hand.
HAND.Hello Mr. Glove.
GLOVE.You sure look fine today Mr. Hand.
HAND.Why thank you Mr. Glove. And so do you. So do you.
GLOVE.Why don’t you come over here and put me on?
HAND.No, I can’t do that Mr. Glove.
GLOVE.Don’t you want to Mr. Hand?
HAND.Sure I want to Mr. Glove, but I can’t.
GLOVE.Why not Mr. Hand? It would be nice.
HAND.That’s very true Mr. Glove, it would be nice. But it would be
bad Mr. Glove.
GLOVE.Why would it be bad Mr. Hand? We fit together so well.
HAND.Yes, that is true. But ultimately it would be bad Mr. Glove.
GLOVE.If we fit together, how could it be bad Mr. Hand?
HAND. Because Mr. Glove, I would get all warm and comfortable
and get used to wearing you and I would wear you all the time and
then you would start to wear out and I would start poking through
and we would get too warm or too comfortable and pretty soon we
would not fit together at all but I would still need a glove and then
I would go looking for a new glove and I would wear that glove Mr.
Glove.
(Pause)
GLOVE.Oh, come on Mr. Hand. Please?
HAND.No Mr. Glove. I’m sorry I cannot.
(Pause)
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130 Greg Allen
HAND.I love you Mr. Glove.

GLOVE.And I love you Mr. Hand.
(Pause and fade to black.)
Curtain
This Play Does Not Exist
Cast of Characters
JOAN
JEFF
SAM
(For the purposes of this play, this play must be #23 on the
clothesline. Like all other plays, “23!” is called out by the audience,
the number is jumped for and pulled down off the clothesline, the
title is called out, and the piece of paper is balled up and thrown
into the audience.)
(After the “Go” is called, JOAN comes out and asks if anyone has
seen where that paper wad went. When she retrieves the number
from the audience, she unfolds it, confirms that it is number 23,
and then moves upstage to where SAM meets her and they burn it
over a coffee can, preferably with a blowtorch.)
(Meanwhile, other performers take the stage. They are watchful
and belligerent. One of them sets a podium center stage and JEFF
is escorted out onto stage by two other performers. He stands
behind the podium as the theater lights black out except for a single
spotlight on JEFF at the podium.)
JEFF. Good evening ladies and gentlemen. It has come to our
attention that there have been spurious rumors spreading
throughout the theater about the existence of a so-called “Twenty-
Third Play.” I am here to officially state that there is no play number
23. In fact, there never has been a play number 23. We believe that
the source of these malicious rumors originated from a simple
confusion with play number 24. We are making every effort to
identify the person or persons responsible for—IT’S NOT TRUE!
I’VE PERFORMED PLAY NUMBER TWENTY THREE! IT DOES
EXIST! IT’S A GOOD PLAY! IT’S A GOOD PLAY! (Etc.)
(The moment JEFF makes this outburst he is immediately taken
down by two other performers and dragged from the room into
another room where he continues to protest.)
(Meanwhile, the rest of the ensemble immediately moves out
towards the audience and tries to distract them from what’s
happening on stage by calling attention to the tech booth [“Hey,
is that Bill in the booth?” “My God he’s handsome isn’t he?”
“I think he’s not wearing a shirt.,” etc.] or simply saying things
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132 Greg Allen
like “Nothing going on here,” “Move along,” “Nothing to look at

here.” If people continue to try to see what’s happening to JEFF,
the audience can be threatened more directly by getting in their
face with things like “What are you lookin’ at?”)
(After JEFF is cleared from the stage and the ensuing mayhem
concludes, order is re-established with SAM going to the podium
and everyone else surrounding him and surveying the audience.
SAM addresses the audience.)
SAM. I’m sorry ladies and gentlemen. There was somehow a
mistake made. The previous speaker was reading from the wrong
script. The situation has been taken care of. (We hear some brief
yelling from where JEFF has been taken offstage.) I reiterate, there is no
play number 23. There never was a play number 23. Play number 23
will never be spoken of…ever…again.
(Behind the cast’s back, SAM reaches into his jacket pocket and
subtly pulls out a little card which says “Long Live Play Number
23.” He puts it back into his jacket and calls “Curtain.”)
We Are All Individuals
Cast of Characters
JEFF
(JEFF addresses the audience while the rest of the ensemble watches.)
JEFF.Could everyone please stand up?
(The audience stands.)
JEFF.Could everyone please sit down.
(The audience sits.)
JEFF.Could everyone please stand up again?
(The audience stands.)
JEFF.Could everyone please place your right index finger on your
nose…and leave it there.
(The audience presumably does this.)
JEFF.Could everyone now repeat after me: I will do…
(The audience says “I will do…”)
JEFF.…whatever Jeff tells me to do.
(The audience says “…whatever Jeff tells me to do.”)
JEFF.Reports?
(If the witnessing ensemble members tell JEFF everyone in
the audience has conformed to these instructions, JEFF takes it
further—instructing them to place both index fingers on the nose,
or even a finger up their nose—until he identifies someone who
simply refuses to follow directions.
I f there are some people who did not conform to his original
instructions, the witnessing ensemble members tell JEFF who
they were. JEFF goes out and individually addresses them and gets
them to conform by repeating the previous instructions.
I f someone continues to refuse to conform, JEFF brings the non-
conformist out on stage. He cross-examines them to see what
the problem is. He has another audience member stand up and
demonstrate what to do. He finally takes out a Super-Soaker and
holds it to their head and threatens to soak them if they do not
conform. He soaks them if they do not conform. He asks if the
person came with someone to the show that night, has them stand
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134 Greg Allen
up, and then threatens to soak them. JEFF encourages their friend
to talk them into conforming so that they will not get soaked.
I f even these tactics do not result in the person conforming, JEFF
makes them clearly state that they will not follow his directions. If
they do this, or rebel against doing so, he changes his attitude and
shakes their hand and happily congratulates them on their rebellion.
I f any of these tactics do result in the person conforming, JEFF
has that person rejoin the crowd and then has everyone stand up
and follow the final directive in unison. If someone else rebels at
this point [which is likely], JEFF makes them clearly state that
they will not follow his directions. If they do this, or rebel against
it, he changes his attitude and shakes their hand and happily
congratulates them on their rebellion.)
Note:
The clock may be shut off at any time as an added threat and time
saver.
A Monologue
Cast of Characters
ENSEMBLE
(Blackout. A spotlight slowly rises on the stage to reveal the full

ensemble circled around it just out of the light. A performer begins
the “monologue” which is soon picked up by someone else at
random. The original speaker fades out after a couple of words in
unison with the next speaker. This continues on in a random tag-
team method, sometimes with one speaker, sometimes with many,
but with everyone chiming in for at least one section of the text at
random times. The original speaker comes in on the final two lines
of the “monologue” and ends on his own.)
These words have been spoken before, before this very second when
they crawl out of my mouth to vibrate your ears and draw pictures
in your head. These words are fresh and clean and undiluted by any
extraneous…
I am speaking the truth. And the truth, although not simple, can
be easily put: “Here I am,” I say, “Look at me for what I am. Draw
your own conclusions. I am just a person, a person like yourself
who could be standing here and reciting these words. My flaws are
yours; my fears are yours; my triumphs are our own.”
As I speak this text, think of what it is like to stand here behind my
eyes and do so. Say to yourself “I will not forget a word. I will not
lose track of what I’m saying. I will just stand here and say what
must be said until it is done.”
And now, soon, as these words draw to a close, I must concentrate
all the more to put my point across. And it is this: I cannot say what
that is. I must just be. And in that being you will see.
Curtain
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Blind Date
(At the beginning of this play a performer is blindfolded and put

in one of two chairs at a small table. The “Go” is called and an
ensemble member goes and picks out an audience member to go on
a “blind date” with the performer. The date can be of any gender.
The audience member is escorted onto the stage as the performer
stands and holds the chair for their date. When they sit down the
performer takes their seat. Romantic music sets the mood with Fred
Astaire’s “The Way You Look Tonight” and then Dick Powell’s “I
Only Have Eyes for You”. The performer should remain nonverbal
throughout the piece.
eanwhile other ensemble members have placed a serving plate
M
with food and a bottle or pitcher of a beverage on the table, as well as
given each person a plate and a glass. Night to night the performer
should not to be aware of what the food and beverage choice is,
having to wrestle with figuring it out in the moment. They should
also be given utensils which are not necessarily appropriate to eat
the food that is prepared for them.
he performer [let’s say it’s a man], to the best of his ability, pours
T
some liquid into his date’s glass and then into his own glass and
raises his glass to toast. If he feels adventurous he can even try to
drink with his date with arms intertwined. After the glasses clink
he drinks and finds out what the beverage tastes like [soda, milk,
orange juice, vodka, etc.]. He then finds the central food tray with
his fingers and manages, to the best of his ability, to split whatever
is on it between himself and his guest on their two plates. He then
gestures for his date to eat. He eats whatever it is that he has been
served and hopefully so does his date.
fter struggling with the food and drink for a bit, the performer
A
stands and offers to dance with his date. Hopefully they dance to
the music. After a quick dance, the performer pretends to look at
his watch and makes the “it’s time to go” gesture. Before his date
can leave though, the performer puckers up for a kiss and leans
forward in the general direction of the date. The audience member
either kisses him or does any one of a number of things to him
and then returns to their seat before the “Curtain” is called. At
the “Curtain,” the performer removes his blindfold with his back
turned to the audience and hopefully never finds out whom he
went on that night’s date with.)
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Honestly
Cast of Characters
SPOKESPERSON
(The ensemble lines up on stage and the “Go” is called. Each

performer says their own name from stage right to stage left. The
last one in line serves as the SPOKESPERSON and addresses the
audience.)
SPOKESPERSON. Please nominate one of us to perform the
following play.
(The audience calls out names and the first person identified
by the SPOKESPERSON comes over and stands next to the
SPOKESPERSON. The other ensemble members clear the stage.)
SPOKESPERSON. Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 60 seconds,
(Chosen ensemble member) will answer any “yes” or “no” question you
put to him/her with absolute honesty. Please begin.
(The SPOKESPERSON moves offstage and keeps track of the 60
seconds. The audience asks questions and the chosen ensemble
member does their best to answer the questions honestly with a
simple “yes” or “no.” Invariably, the audience will ask a non-yes or
no question at which point they still answer “yes” or “no.” When
there are five seconds left, the SPOKESPERSON announces “Last
question.” When it is answered they call “Curtain.”)
Note:
If the Spokesperson is chosen by the audience to perform, someone
else steps into their role.
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Cyrano
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
SAM
MARIA
(JEFF finds a man and JOAN finds a woman sitting in the

audience who can see each other across the stage. They whisper
their parenthetical lines into their chosen audience member’s ear
until this breaks down as indicated in the text.)
JEFF & JOAN.(Please repeat everything I tell you loud enough for
everyone to hear.)
JEFF.(Hi there!)
MAN.Hi there!
JOAN.(Hello yourself.)
WOMAN.Hello yourself.
JEFF.(This is kind of embarrassing…)
MAN.This is kind of embarrassing…
JEFF.(…but I saw you there…)
MAN.…but I saw you there…
JEFF.(…and I just had to say something.)
MAN.…and I just had to say something.
JOAN.(Oh that’s okay)
WOMAN.Oh that’s okay.
JOAN.(I’m glad you did.)
WOMAN.I’m glad you did.
JEFF.(So, do you come here often?)
MAN.So, do you come here often?
JOAN.(That sounds like such a line.)
WOMAN.That sounds like such a line.
JEFF.(No, really…)
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MAN.No, really…
JEFF.(…have you ever seen this show before?)
MAN.…have you ever seen this show before?
JOAN.(Oh yeah, …)
WOMAN.Oh yeah, …
JOAN.(I come here a lot.)
WOMAN.I come here a lot.
JOAN.(This is the greatest show I’ve ever seen in my life.)
WOMAN.This is the greatest show I’ve ever seen in my life.
JOAN. (In fact, I can’t wait to go home and tell all of my friends
about how awesome it is!)
WOMAN.In fact, I can’t wait to go home and tell all of my friends
about how awesome it is!
JEFF.(Who did you come here with tonight?)
MAN.Who did you come here with tonight?
JOAN.(I came on my own.)
WOMAN.I came on my own.
JEFF.(I don’t mean to be forward but…)
MAN.I don’t mean to be forward but…
JEFF.(…are you seeing anyone?)
MAN.…are you seeing anyone?
JOAN.(Why no!)
WOMAN.Why no!
JOAN.(I’m single.)
WOMAN.I’m single.
JOAN.(And looking.)
WOMAN.And looking.
JEFF.(Well! What are you doing after the show?)
MAN.Well! What are you doing after the show?
JOAN.(Going home with you I hope.)
WOMAN.Going home with you I hope.
JEFF.(Oh, you’re just saying that.)
140 Greg Allen
MAN.Oh, you’re just saying that.

JOAN.(Not at all, …)
WOMAN.Not at all, …
JOAN.(Big boy.)
WOMAN.Big boy.
SAM.(Into some other audience member’s ear:) (Hey, could you two get
a room?)
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER.Hey, could you two get a room?
MARIA. (Into another audience member’s ear:) (Really, we’ve got a
show to finish!)
ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER.Really, we’ve got a show to
finish!
JEFF.(Some people are so insensitive.)
MAN.Some people are so insensitive.
JOAN.(So what do you think?)
WOMAN.So what do you think?
JOAN.(I’ve always had a thing for men with facial hair [Or whatever’s
appropriate].)
WOMAN.I’ve always had a thing for men with facial hair.
JEFF.(Short hair is my favorite [Or whatever’s appropriate].)
MAN.Short hair is my favorite.
JOAN.(So why don’t you just ditch the mouthpiece and say it!)
WOMAN.So why don’t you just ditch the mouthpiece and say it!
JEFF.(Out loud across the theater directly to the female participant:) I love
you!
JOAN. (Still whispering:) (Oh Jeff, you don’t know how long I’ve
waited for this.)
WOMAN.Oh Jeff, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.
JOAN.(Those furtive glances across the stage.)
WOMAN.Those furtive glances across the stage.
JOAN.(Secret peeks in the dressing room.)
WOMAN.Secret peeks in the dressing room.
JEFF.(Crossing the stage to JOAN and the woman:) Well, why haven’t
you ever said anything?
JOAN.(Because I’m scared.)

WOMAN.Because I’m scared.
JOAN.(I’m scared of what they’ll say.)
WOMAN.I’m scared of what they’ll say.
JEFF.(Standing by them:) Don’t be shy. Everything’s going to be okay.
(JEFF reaches out his hand to the woman.)
JOAN.(I can’t.)
WOMAN.I can’t.
JOAN.(Take his hand.)
(The woman either repeats this or actually takes his hand. If she
repeats it, JOAN makes it clear by repeating—)
JOAN.(No, take his hand!)
(The audience member takes JEFF’s hand.)
JEFF.My love.
(JEFF kisses her hand and gazes into her eyes. JOAN is bummed.)
Curtain
Hair Director
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN
(SAM and JOAN are on stage. JEFF walks on as the “director”

and hands each of them a one page script with their “lines.”)
JEFF. Okay, let’s just start by reading the play. Go ahead and read
the script.
(SAM and JOAN read the following script simply. JOAN is always
cheery.)
SAM.“How are you?”
JOAN.“I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM.“I’m glad to hear it.”
JEFF. Okay, that’s a start. Do you think you guys can get that
memorized?
(SAM and JOAN run their lines a couple times quickly:)
SAM.Sure. “How are you?”
SAM.“I’m glad to hear it.” “How are you?”
JEFF.Great. I think the operative is “glad” Sam—“I’m glad to hear it.”
SAM.(Echoing him:) “I’m glad to hear it.” Oh, okay.
JEFF. So let’s talk subtext here. What do you think each of the
characters is really expressing in their lines? Sam?
SAM. I think I’m saying I’m interested in her and showing that I
want her to feel good.
JEFF. I question your script analysis there Sam. What about the
contraction?
SAM.The contraction?
142
JEFF.You use the contraction “I’m” instead of “I am.” You’re obviously

in a lot of pain.
SAM.Pain?
JEFF.If you had the luxury to say “I am glad to hear it” you would,
but instead you use “I’m.” “I’m glad to hear it.”
SAM.I see. So I’m in great pain?
JEFF. Like you’ve just been stabbed repeatedly in the stomach…or
something. That’s up to you to decide. That’s the actor’s job. And
Joan, what do you think?
JOAN.Well, I think I’m saying that I’m feeling just fine.
JEFF. Exactly. Good analysis Joan. (JOAN is cheered while SAM is
mystified.) So let’s try this again—with the subtext this time. “Go!”
(SAM delivers his lines doubled over as if he were in great pain
while JOAN delivers her lines exactly as before and cheery.)
SAM.“How…are…you?”
SAM.“I’m…glad…to hear it.”
JEFF.That was great Joan. A little more pain next time Sam. I need
to see where the physical pain ends and psychological pain begins.
Make a strong decision. Now I think it’s important that we show
that these characters are a foil for each other, but through similarity.
I want to do this vocally. Is there a way you two could match the
tone of your voices?
(SAM and JOAN talk trying to match their voices:)
JOAN.I talk like this.
SAM.I talk like this.
JEFF.It’s a little higher Sam.
JEFF.No, higher.
144 Greg Allen
(Through these repetitions JOAN remains exactly her same cheery

self with a high voice while SAM is forced to talk in a high falsetto.)
JEFF.That’s good Joan. It’s a little higher Sam. And with the lines?
(They try their lines with the voices.)
SAM.“How are you?”
JEFF.A little higher Sam, and don’t forget the pain. Great adjustment
Joan. In terms of blocking I picture Joan center stage…right where
you are. And Sam, I think you’re the active agent in the scene, so you
should be moving across the stage with the lines.
SAM.Across the stage.
JEFF.Yeah, let’s try that. And “Go!”
(They run the scene again with JOAN center stage, still exactly
same as she began, and SAM with a very high falsetto and
writhing across the stage in pain.)
SAM.“How…are…you?”
SAM.“I’m…glad…to hear it.”
JEFF. Great Joan. Sam, I’m really not buying the pain. I need to
see where it is specifically. Perhaps move it around your body, but
specifically. And make a full entrance and exit all the way off stage.
And in terms of lighting… (Calling up to the booth:) could I get a
spotlight for Joan center?
(The other lights lower and a spotlight rises on JOAN.)
And for Sam…oh, I think he’s just fine. (SAM basically remains in the
shadows.)
JEFF.And everyone ready? “Go!”
SAM. (Writhing in pain, trying to indicate it moving around his body,
while running across the stage:) “How…are…yoooouuu?”
JOAN.(Standing there and being exactly the same:) “I’m doing just fine.”
SAM.(Running off, writhing:) “I’m glad to hear it!”
GREG. Okay, first, that was tremendous Joan. And Sam…well…
(Shaking his head:) you’re just doing the best you can. So let’s do it one
more time. Sam remember not to drop the voice, much more pain,
be specific, and you should add the giddy laughter.
SAM.The giddy laughter?

JEFF.Right. Everyone ready? And “Go!”
(SAM runs across the stage in tremendous pain, screeching his
lines, and periodically laughing giddily while JOAN remains
exactly the same, cheerily saying her lines in a center stage
spotlight.)
SAM. “ How are yooouuu?”
JOAN. “ I’m feeling just fine.”
SAM. “ I’m glad to hear it!”
(JEFF comes up to JOAN and shakes her hand.)
JEFF.That was just brilliant! Thank you. Curtain!
Note:
The director should mix up his directives for the actor night to
night to always give him a new impossible challenge that he isn’t
expecting, ie. instead of laughing giddily, directives like “you’re
being chased by a tiger” or “make it really sexy,” etc…
Story Problems That Still Haunt Me
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER
JEFF
JOAN
(The following three story problems are spoken on voiceover by

one of the ensemble members. Each story problem has a simple,
non-verbal staging to accompany it while the lights rise and fall in
one continual motion.)
(During the following, lights rise to show JEFF and JOAN very
slowly walking towards each other, but then passing each other,
and walking off stage.)
VOICEOVER. Problem 1: If it takes you two seconds to make six
inches of steel, and it takes three minutes to burnish that steel until
it’s nice and shiny, and you ask a new person each month to burnish
that steel from the age of thirteen to eighteen, how many burnishers
will have rejected the job over the course of 5.6 years?
(During the following, the lights rise to show JEFF and JOAN
moving about the stage, from one spot to the next, at different
paces. They never arrive at the same spot at the same time.)
Problem 2: If there are ten livable cities in the country and your
girlfriend moves from one city to the next every 1.2 years while you
move from one city to the next every .7 years, how long will it be
before you live in the same city long enough to break up?
(During the following, lights rise to show JEFF and JOAN slowly
moving towards each other, pausing, and then moving back apart.)
Problem 3: After many years of gently tending his fields and taking
delicate care of his crops, a farmer has produced two beautiful
sacks of grain that he wishes to transport safely across a bridge.
His wife, after working hard for many years in the city and
earning many times what the farmer does, also feels that she has a
right to the sacks of grain and wants to take them across the bridge
by herself. The bridge, however, can only carry the weight of one
person before it crumbles and plunges into the canyon below. If the
woman hires the most expensive, vicious, and unethical divorce
lawyer in the city, can she successfully take the two sacks of grain
across the bridge and plunge her ex-husband into the bottomless
146
pit of despair? EXTRA CREDIT: Will the sacks of grain ever feel safe
again?
Curtain
A Pair of Socks
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
(JEFF goes up to someone in the front row of the audience and

attacks them in fury.)
JEFF.WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE ANY
SOCKS? HOW CAN THAT POSSIBLY BE TRUE? YOU LITERALLY
DO NOT HAVE A SINGLE OTHER PAIR OF SOCKS BESIDES
THE ONES CURRENTLY ON YOUR FEET!?? ANOTHER PAIR OF
YOUR SOCKS LITERALLY DOES NOT EXIST!? IF I WERE TO GO
TO YOUR HOME AND LOOK IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER AND
IN YOUR LAUNDRY BASKET AND IN YOUR WASHER AND IN
YOUR DRYER AND ON THE TABLE NEXT TO YOUR WASHER
AND DRYER I WOULD FIND ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CALLED A
PAIR OF YOUR SOCKS! YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I SHOULD
UNDERSTAND THAT THE PAIR OF SOCKS THAT YOU ARE
CURRENTLY WEARING ON YOUR FEET IS THE ONE AND
ONLY PAIR OF SOCKS THAT YOU, AS A HUMAN BEING, CAN
CALL YOUR OWN?!!
(The audience member has a moment to respond but JEFF
thunders on.)
THEN HERE! (Tearing off his shoes and socks:) HERE! TAKE MINE!
TAKE MY PAIR OF SOCKS! TAKE MY PAIR OF SOCKS RIGHT
OFF MY FEET RIGHT NOW! I WILL HAPPILY GIVE YOU THE
ONE AND ONLY PAIR OF SOCKS THAT I HAVE HERE AT THE
THEATER JUST SO THAT I CAN BE SURE THAT YOU NOW
HAVE ANOTHER PAIR OF SOCKS! I WILL WALK AROUND
COMPLETELY BAREFOOT FOR THE REST OF THE SHOW SO
THAT I KNOW THAT THERE EXISTS SOMEWHERE IN THIS
WORLD ONE OTHER PAIR OF SOCKS THAT YOU CAN CALL
YOUR OWN!
(SAM calmly walks out on stage to where JEFF is standing.)
SAM.Jeff, you’re not really talking about a pair of socks are you?
JEFF.No.
SAM.Are you talking about something else?
148
JEFF.Yeah.
SAM.Do you want to really talk about it?
JEFF.No. I’m fine.
(JEFF walks off stage. SAM turns to the recipient of JEFF’s socks
and says:)
SAM. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE
ANY UNDERWEAR!!!!
Curtain
Lip Readers
Cast of Characters
SAM
JEFF
JOAN
(Before the show begins, three audience members are enlisted to

participate. They are each handed a card with a prepared question
on it and told to stand and read the question when they are referred
to by name during the show. Their names and occupations are
written down and given to SAM for the play. At the “Go,” JEFF
and JOAN stand behind podiums. SAM addresses the audience.)
SAM.Hello, I’m Sam and I am your moderator this evening for the
first in a series of debates between these two candidates who seem
to be running for…some high political office of some sort. We’ll
open with a question from (Audience Member One’s name) who is a
(Audience Member One’s occupation).
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE.I would like to know where each of
the candidates stands on the abortion issue and how you personally
and politically justify your position.
SAM.Jeff will respond first.
JEFF. Well despite what my opponent may think, I am now and
have always been a strong advocate of a woman’s right to choose. In
my mind it ultimately comes down to the question of who has the
right to make this sort of decision. I believe it is the personal choice
of the individual and not one that can be made by the government.
Thank you.
SAM.And now Joan.
JOAN. Well first I would like to remind my opponent that just
because I am a woman, it does not in any way mean that I would
assume all men to be against a woman’s right to choose. This, I
think, is quite a sexist assumption and might lead one to question
why he supposedly upholds these sentiments in the first place. But
to answer the question, I am pro-choice right down the line.
SAM. All right. Now we’ll have a question from (Audience Member
Two’s name) who is a (Audience Member Two’s occupation).
150
AUDIENCE MEMBER TWO.The national deficit is now completely

out of control and in the thousands of trillions of dollars. Is your
solution to cut spending, raise taxes for everyone, or a combination
of the two?
SAM.Jeff?
JEFF. Well first I would like to respond to my opponent’s empty
charges of sexism. This is exactly the kind of low, petty, immoral
attack she has used throughout her career in order to avoid
important issues. This is not a question of who is the male candidate
and who is the female candidate. It is a question of who is honest
and trustworthy, and who is the scurvy little backbiting snake.
Thank you.
SAM.Joan, your response?
JOAN.First, might I point out that my opponent did not even address
the question but has once again turned a dignified intellectual
debate into a forum for his own adolescent mudslinging, full of
lies and slander. But then, what do you expect from someone who
fondles young boys for money. In response to your question: Yes.
SAM.Okay! Next we have a question from (Audience Member Three’s
name) who is a (Audience Member Three’s occupation).
AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE.What do you think is America’s
responsibility to maintain peace throughout the world? Do you
think we should step in with military force any time we feel, or do
you think we should only take action when supported by our allies
and the United Nations?
SAM. Jeff, would you like to address this extremely important,
pertinent question?
JEFF.First I would like to remind my opponent that if both of her
legs were chopped off at the waist she would leave a little trail of
slime behind her on the ground like a snail. Thank you.
SAM.Joan?
JOAN.Does the word “dickless” mean anything to you?
SAM.Well! I think that concludes the first section of our debate. On
to the second round. Best three out of five falls.
(JEFF and JOAN get down on their knees in wrestling position
and SAM blows a whistle. They viciously wrestle for a bit until
someone is pinned or calls the…)
Curtain
152 Greg Allen
Note:
If the topics of these questions are ever outdated more topical ones
can be put in their place. Also, in performance, you might want to
use the exact amount of the national debt at the time of performance.
War Games
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
(The ensemble stands on stage with the front pages of various

newspapers opened to hide their faces. For each person’s line they
lower the paper and address the audience. They raise it again after
their line.)
ONE.I was reading the paper, and I forgot about the war.
TWO.I was watching the news, and I forgot about the war.
THREE.I was eating dinner, and I forgot about the war.
FOUR. I was making love, and I forgot about the war.
FIVE.I was watching a play, and I forgot about the war.
SIX. I was thinking about the war…and then I forgot about the war.
Curtain
153
A Minute of Hope
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
MARIA
LYNN
SAM
HAROLD
(JOAN sits on stage speaking into a telephone receiver.)

JOAN. Thank you. Goodbye. (She “hangs up.”) Hi, I’m Joan, a
simulated receptionist down here at Backpat Industries. Stay tuned
for an important offer that could make your life a whole lot easier.
(She turns back upstage and “answers” another “call.”)
JEFF.(Entering, and addressing the audience with compassion:) Hunger.
Poverty. Homelessness. War. These are just a few of the ever-
growing, ever-troublesome concerns that threaten to upset our
daily lives. But what can you, just one individual, do to help yourself
overcome the plague that is sweeping across America known as
“Nagging Liberal Guilt.” This once every commercial break offer
finally gives you the opportunity to put those hard-earned dollars to
good use, alleviating your conscience forever for when you walk by
the outstretched hand of foul-smelling degenerate lunatics. Here’s
well-paid singer Britney Spears to tell you more.
(MARIA walks on with LYNN who has a cup full of water and
a spoon with which she creates constant tears by spooning water
into MARIA’s eyes.)
MARIA. (Frantic:) I was so confused and upset I didn’t know what
to do. I heard about all these people in Australia starving to death
with no food and no water and I saw pictures of little tiny girls and
babies with their open mouths crying out for anything they could
possibly even get the slightest amount of malnourishment from—
JEFF.That’s Ethiopia, Brit.
MARIA. Oh what’s the difference!? They were starving and I was
so upset I couldn’t sing and I was losing hundreds of thousands of
dollars and I was so upset I didn’t know what to do I didn’t know
what to do I didn’t know what to— (LYNN slaps her and she suddenly
154
calms down.) Thanks Mom. And then I found Guilt Away, and made
this commercial.
(MARIA and LYNN exit as SAM enters from the wings.)
SAM. Thanks Brit. Yes, here at Guilt Away we take care of every
liberal social concern you could possibly think of. In addition to
world hunger, poverty, homelessness, and other biggies, we cover
gun control, global warming, and AIDS. We’ve got whales, animal
rights, and rain forests for the environmentalists, abortion and equal
pay for the ladies, and gay marriage for the ho-mo-sexuals. Hell, we
even give a few bucks to Jerry’s Kids. And what would you expect to
pay for this amazing offer? One hundred dollars? One hundred and
fifty dollars? Two hundred dollars?! No, a hundred and fifty dollars
is all it takes to get these monkeys permanently off your back.
HAROLD. (Emerging from upstage and charging down towards the
audience aggressively:) But wait, there’s more! You’ve heard about all
the hubbub in Asia—those crazy commies duking for democracy?
Well if you act now you’ll receive one genuine-imitation blood-
spattered t-shirt right off the back of some poor fool who actually
stood up and fought for his human rights. Yes, what a conversation
piece! You’re thinking “For just a hundred and fifty bucks I get
all this?” YES! And that’s not all! If you call now before I stop
speaking you will receive one pathetic photograph of an actual
underprivileged third-world child knocking at death’s door. It’s
ripe for framing and laminated with tear-resistant gloss. “How can
they do it?” you say? Fuck if I know, I’m just a salesman.
JEFF.(Sensitively:) Think…of the children, the whales, that homeless
lady you accidentally tripped on the way to work today. Feel bad?
Help yourself. Open your heart. Open your wallet.
JOAN.Hi, I’m Joan, a simulated receptionist down here at Backpat
Industries. If you’d like to take advantage of the important offer Ms.
Spears tried to speak of, simply call 878-4557 and some underpaid
illegal alien will be here to answer your call. Call now and receive
this special membership button “I Gave, So Fuck Off!” I’m waiting
for my residuals. Please call now.
Curtain
Read Me Like A Book
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
(JEFF stands on stage addressing the audience.)

JEFF.When I was little, the number one thing I couldn’t wait to do
until I grew up was read. I wanted to read so badly. I would be sitting
at the breakfast… (He gets distracted by an audience member, then goes
on:) …table and my parents would both be reading the newspaper
and my brother would be… (Stares at the guy again, and then calls them
out:) You want to cut that out? …My brother would be… (Back to
audience member:) That’s really incredibly rude. Would you like to
stop that?… Don’t look at me like that. (Back to monologue:) …um…my
brother would…would be… (To a different audience member:) I’m sorry,
where was I? (Audience member responds.) Yeah, right. Thanks. I was
(Whatever the audience member said). (Back at the original “offending”
audience member:) Look, I thought I told you before. Sam! Sam!?
SAM.(Emerging from the wings:) Yeah, what is it Jeff?
JEFF.This guy is being a total asshole. Would you just stand there
and make sure he cuts it out?
SAM.Sure.
(SAM stands next to the “offending” audience member.)
JEFF.So… (Referring to second “helpful” audience member:) I was (Whatever
they said), and…um…I was what? What do you mean? (Second
“helpful” audience member responds.) I was? When was I—Sam! Would
you take care of that guy?
SAM.Jeff, I’m standing right next to him. He’s not doing anything.
JEFF. (Pointing to the person next to the original audience “offender”:)
He’s not? Look at him!
SAM.Oh, sorry. I thought you meant him.
JEFF.No no, him! Him! (Pointing to person next to the “offender”:) Just
take care of it!
SAM.(To new person:) Now cut it out!
156
JEFF. (Going back to a woman near the “helpful” audience member.) So

what were we talking about? (He starts another conversation with them
but then suddenly interrupts:) Sam!!!
SAM.Sorry. (SAM moves one person down the row, points at them and
says:) Now cut it out!
JEFF.(Going back to the woman in the audience:) I’m sorry darling, what
were you saying?
(Strauss’ waltz “The Blue Danube” slowly starts playing and fills
the room. JEFF continues a conversation with the new woman,
flirting outrageously. The rest of the performing ensemble comes
out from the wings and starts waltzing all over the stage as the
music builds. Periodically SAM shouts “Sorry!,” moves one
person down his row, points at them, and shouts “Now cut it
out!” JEFF finally asks the woman he is flirting with to dance with
him, pulls her onto the stage, and begins to waltz around the stage
in the midst of the rest of the ensemble as the music dominates
the room and SAM periodically shouts “Sorry! Now cut it out!”
Lights and dancers swirl around the space until suddenly JEFF
stops everything.)
JEFF.Hey everybody! She said YES!
(The music shifts to the blaring peal of wedding bells and the
ensemble cheers and surrounds the “happy couple,” congratulating
them both with hugs and kisses and throwing confetti.)
Curtain
Three Guys and a Doll
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
MARIA
HAROLD
JOAN
(JOAN presents a small rag doll to the audience.)

JOAN.This is an inanimate object. Its eyes cannot see, its stuffing
cannot feel, and its joints move in both directions.
(JOAN walks off stage and hands the doll to MARIA who cradles
the doll in her arms and walks on cooing and cuddling and talking
to it like a baby. She can even give it a name if she wishes. She
places the doll in a basket on a table and tucks him in, all the while
telling him to be a good boy and go to sleep. She tells him to stay
there while she goes into the next room, and exits.
J EFF, SAM, and HAROLD enter from the opposite side throwing
a softball to each other and making a lot of noise. After a few
tosses the ball “accidentally” slams into the basket and knocks it
and the doll onto the floor. They suddenly stop making noise and,
ashamedly, go to see what they have done. SAM goes to pick the
doll up off of the floor but accidentally kicks it across the stage.
He is chagrined. JEFF goes to pick up the doll but inadvertently
steps on it as he does so. He tries to ease the injury by cuddling
the doll but slowly starts swinging the doll around by one arm
declaring “Doppler Effect!” and makes the sound of a child crying
in the Doppler Effect. He flings the doll to HAROLD who tells
SAM to go out for a pass. He throws it successfully to SAM who
spikes the doll like a football and shouts “Touchdown!” SAM then
declares “All-Star Wrestling!” and does a body slam onto the doll.
HAROLD follows suit and does the same. He then throws the doll
to JEFF who shouts “Baseball!” and pitches the doll to HAROLD
who hits the doll with a bat and quickly circles the bases as the
others “field” the doll and throw it home where HAROLD slides
into it. SAM declares the doll “Safe!” SAM grabs the doll and
repeatedly slams its head in a door and then fling it behind the
door. The three guys leave the stage laughing and whooping it up.
158
ARIA re-enters and finds that the doll is not in his basket. She
M
finds him behind the door and scolds him for being naughty and
not staying in bed. She places him back in his basket and says
“Now I told you to stay here and I meant it.” and exits.
JOAN re-enters, picks up the doll, and presents it to the audience.)
JOAN.This is an inanimate object. Its eyes cannot see, its stuffing
cannot feel, and its joints move in both directions.
Curtain
Part of the Problem
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
(ONE stands center stage and describes and demonstrates the play
to the audience.)
ONE. In the first part there’s this kind of ambient noise of one of
your mother’s cashmere sweaters having been caught out in a
rainstorm and now hanging, drying out over a number of empty
pot-pie tins. So there’s this kind of inconsistent “tink…tink…tink,
tink…tink…tink.”
The second part goes like this:
(TWO and THREE emerge from the wings.)
TWO.What?
THREE.Why?
TWO.What?
THREE.Why?
TWO.What?
THREE.Why?
TWO.What?
THREE.Why?
TWO.What?
THREE.Why?
TWO.What?
THREE.Why?
TWO.What?
THREE.Why what?
(Pause.)
160
ONE. In the third part people are just running around, running
around and screaming, like this: (FOUR runs across the stage, then
FIVE screams.)
But at the same time.
The fourth part is completely empty.
(Silence.)
And it goes on for a really long time.
(Chuckling to himself:) The fifth part…is really funny. Not like people
telling jokes, but like a lot of word play—people using a word, like
the word “the” a lot, but in a comic way.
In the sixth part, being the halfway point, a person—not this person
(Indicating an audience member) but someone whom they closely
resemble—gets up and goes out… (He encourages them to do this)
…and then comes back more satisfied than when they left. (He
encourages them to sit back into their seat.)
The seventh part looks like this. (ONE holds a baseball glove open
towards the audience for all to see.)
There is no eighth part, but the ninth part uses some of the images
that you’ve experienced before, but in a much more confined,
constricted environment that is both telling, and yet oppressive
simultaneously. Like a small funnel cloud in a Mason jar. Or a bad
reproduction of “Guernica” on your fingernail. In this part there is
also a pillow fight.
The tenth part is completely confusing—like either you don’t
understand why it’s there or what it has to do with the whole thing,
or it just goes over your head altogether—you think maybe because
you didn’t take those classes in school. But one way or another you
basically sleep through the tenth part or get incredibly frustrated.
The eleventh part, on the other hand, is completely clear, perhaps
too clear. People talk like this:
(TWO and THREE emerge again from the wings.)
TWO.It’s about my mother.
THREE.Your mother?
TWO.Yes. She died recently.
THREE.God, I’m sorry to hear that.
ONE. It’s so clear, in fact, that you wonder if it’s a metaphor for
something else—like they’re speaking in code.
162 Greg Allen
(Overwhelmed:) The twelfth part, the last part, is this incredible

emotional climax where you suddenly realize what it is and it hits
you completely unexpectedly and you ask yourself “How…how
could this be? How could this really come about?” And it sticks
with you ’til you go to sleep that night, and stays there the rest of
the week.
Curtain
Lawsuit
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER 1
PERFORMER 2
(Two people stand on either side of the stage holding really sharp
dangerous-looking scissors. They snip them repeatedly. Suddenly,
the lights black out and they both run frantically around the stage,
snipping the air loudly, perilously close to each other and the
audience. After two and a half revolutions, they run off and the
curtain is called or when someone is horribly injured).
163
Uncle Vodka
Cast of Characters
VANYA
SONIA
YELIENA
ASTROV
NANNY
(The famous roles are played very casually, without costume or

much acting by ensemble members. VANYA sits in a chair with a
glass and a vodka bottle full of water. SONIA sits at his feet next
to him. On the other side of the stage sits ASTROV with his own
bottle and glass. Next to him stands NANNY. VANYA fills a
glass and chugs it down. No drunkenness is ever indicated in the
play.)
VANYA.Life sucks.
SONIA. Oh don’t say that Uncle. So much of life lies ahead of you,
Ivan Petrovich Vionitsky.
VANYA.Call me “Vodka.”
(He fills up another glass and chugs it down.)
SONIA. I know that right now life is a long, long succession of
tormented days and tedious nights, but one day, one day Uncle,
God will take pity on us and send us a new life that is bright and
beautiful and lovely.
VANYA.You’ll always be plain. Fuck off. (He drinks another.)
ASTROV.I lost a patient today. He died under the anesthesia. I’m so
tired. I wonder if I meant to kill him? (He pours a glass from his own
vodka bottle and chugs it down. He looks at NANNY.) God you’re old.
NANNY.Would you like something to eat?
ASTROV.Do you think they’ll remember us a hundred years from
now, Nanny, and speak well of us? Do you think they will?
NANNY.Would you like something to eat?
ASTROV.Yeah. I didn’t think so.
(He fills his glass again and guzzles it down. An ensemble member
portraying YELIENA makes a sudden dramatic upstage entrance.)
164
YELIENA.I am a very beautiful woman.

VANYA.(Of YELIENA:) I love her.
SONIA.(Of ASTROV:) I love him.
YELIENA.(Of ASTROV:) He’s kind of cute.
ASTROV.I’m kind of confused.
(VANYA and ASTROV both fill glasses and drink them down
simultaneously.)
NANNY.Would anyone like something to eat?
(VANYA, ASTROV, and NANNY exit.)
SONIA.You married my father so I hate you.
YELIENA.Let’s make up.
SONIA.(Suddenly cheery:) Okay!
YELIENA.We’ll drink to our friendship!
SONIA.From the same glass!
(They pour a glass and guzzle it together. The following lines
are played with alternating elation and depression by each of the
women.)
SONIA.(Up:) Are you happy?
YELIENA. ( Down:) No.
SONIA.(Down:) Me neither. (Up:) Do you like the doctor?
YELIENA.(Up:) Very much!
SONIA.(Up:) I love him!
YELIENA. (Down:) Oh. There’s no happiness for me on this earth.
(Up:) I feel like playing something!
SONIA.(Up:) Oh do!
YELIENA.(Down:) There’s no piano.
SONIA.(Down:) You can’t. (Up:) Do you think the doctor likes me?
YELIENA.You have…beautiful hair.
SONIA.(Down:) He doesn’t know I exist.
YELIENA.I’ll ask him.
SONIA.But what if he hates me?
YELIENA.Then he should leave.
SONIA.(Down:) How sad. (Up:) But at least I’ll know!
166 Greg Allen
YELIENA.Trust me.
SONIA.I will.
(SONIA exits. ASTROV enters.)
YELIENA.Do you like Sonia?
ASTROV.No. I love you.
(They embrace. SONIA and VANYA enter with a new large vodka
bottle filled with water. They both see ASTROV and YELIENA
embracing.)
VANYA & SONIA.(Hanging their heads:) Fuck.
(NANNY enters and stands by the door.)
YELIENA. (Seeing SONIA:) I must go now. (She pours herself a full
glass, drains it, and exits.)
NANNY.She’s gone.
ASTROV.I, too, must go. (He fills a glass, drains it, and exits.)
NANNY.He’s gone.
(VANYA and SONIA sit in the chairs.)
NANNY.(To VANYA:) Why do you always wear black?
(VANYA just glares at her.)
NANNY.I’m gone. (She fills a glass, drains it, and exits.)
VANYA.(Pouring out a handful of pills from a pill bottle:) I guess I’ll kill
myself now.
SONIA. No Uncle, you mustn’t. We must go on living. We shall
patiently suffer the trials which Fate imposes on us; we shall work
for others, now and in our old age. We will work hard with the hope
that one day we shall know a life that is bright and beautiful and
lovely. Put the pills away. We must go on.
VANYA.But how?
SONIA.We shall drink, Uncle Vodka, we shall drink.
(VANYA puts the pills back while SONIA pours herself a glass
from the vodka bottle. They drink simultaneously, she from the
glass and he straight from the bottle. The curtain is called when
VANYA empties the entire bottle.)
Curtain
Genre Play #6: Horror
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
JOAN
(There is a blackout before the “Go” is called. The lights flicker and
then come up to show JEFF and SAM standing on stage. They
look at each other in repressed horror and shock. Their lines are
delivered very hesitantly.)
JEFF.Hey…Sam.
SAM.…Jeff.
JEFF.What…what’re…what’re you doing here?
SAM.I…had to come… It was in…the stage directions.
(The lights suddenly black out and a huge thud is heard on stage.
JEFF and SAM both scream. Lights up. JOAN is now on stage.)
JOAN.Holy Christ… Where am I?
JEFF.Joan…you’re… (Whispering:) on stage.
JOAN.(Throwing her head back and building to a blood-curdling scream:)
NooooooOOOOOOOOO!!
(Blackout. A mysterious sucking sound is heard over the sound
system. Lights up. JOAN is discovered face down on the floor not
moving. JEFF and SAM look at each other panic-stricken. The lights
begin to flicker and a cacophonous sound is blasted on the sound
system. JEFF and SAM suddenly, simultaneously, begin to shake
violently.)
(Blackout. The sound stops and lights come up. An AUDIENCE
MEMBER is suddenly discovered on stage. JEFF and SAM look
at the AUDIENCE MEMBER in even greater horror.)
SAM.Who…are…you?
(AUDIENCE MEMBER responds, or not. JEFF tries to respond
but suddenly finds he cannot. He grasps at his throat and
collapses to the floor. The rest of the ensemble stiffly emerges
from the wings to face forward stoically. They all slowly begin
to smile and it slowly turns into a huge demented frozen grin.
167
168 Greg Allen
SAM suddenly turns to the audience and does a silent scream.

Blackout.)
Curtain
12 Photographs of
Eadweard Muybridge in Motion
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
MUYBRIDGE
LARKYNS
(The following text is delivered on voiceover by three ensemble

members. Each line is accompanied by a frozen tableau on stage
created by two men representing MUYBRIDGE and LARKYNS.
MUYBRIDGE has a gun in his right hand. No attempt is made
at fluidity between the still images—the tableaus are set and then
each line of text is spoken before moving on to the next, like a series
of Muybridge photographs.)
(MUYBRIDGE is mid-step while LARKYNS sits looking at the
floor.)
ONE. 1. Edward Muggeridge changed his name to Edward
Muygridge and finally to Eadweard Muybridge after the King in
1870.
(MUYBRIDGE is a step closer while LARKYNS begins to look up.)
TWO.2. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge set up 12 cameras
21 inches apart over 20 feet of dirt and proved a galloping horse
does indeed leave the ground.
(MUYBRIDGE is a step closer while LARKYNS raises his head
more.)
THREE. 3. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge married Flora
Stone, a beautiful woman half his age.
(MUYBRIDGE is a step closer while LARKYNS begins to see him.)
ONE. 4. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge was in a stage-
coach accident and suffered brain damage.
(MUYBRIDGE begins to set his feet while LARKYNS sees him.)
TWO. 5.A little while later Eadweard Muybridge discovered his
wife had taken a lover, Major Harry Larkyns.
169
170 Greg Allen
(MUYBRIDGE has both feet planted while LARKYNS faces him

full on.)
THREE. 6. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge greeted Major
Larkyns with the words:
MUYBRIDGE. “Good evening, Major. My name is Muybridge and
here is the answer to the letter you sent my wife”.
(MUYBRIDGE points a gun at LARKYNS who looks in shock.)
ONE.7. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge shot the Major dead.
(MUYBRIDGE is frozen as if beginning to run while LARKYNS
clutches his chest, beginning to fall backwards.)
TWO. 8. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge pled temporary
insanity because the stagecoach accident had dramatically changed
his personality from genial and pleasant to unstable and erratic.
(MUYBRIDGE is frozen on the other leg as if running while
LARKYNS’s chair is falling backwards.)
THREE. 9. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge was found in-
nocent.
(MUYBRIDGE is frozen on the other leg while LARKYNS is
tipping over and he begins to hit the floor.)
ONE.10. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge had a son Florado
Helios Muybridge (known as Floddie) whom he sent to an orphanage
because he thought it was the Major’s offspring.
(MUYBRIDGE has taken another running step towards the
wings while LARKYNS has hit the floor.)
TWO. 11. A little while later Eadweard Muybridge died and was
buried in Woking, England—a word which means when you go to
the kitchen but forget why, and a place which happens to be where
the Martians first landed in War of the Worlds.
(MUYBRIDGE has taken another running step towards the
wings while LARKYNS lies “dead” on the floor.)
THREE. 12. A little while later, Floddie Muybridge died in a car
accident.
Curtain
The Tricycle of Life
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(A PERFORMER stands on stage cradling a small mirror in his

hands and looks into it.)
PERFORMER. He’s so small.
That’s the first thing that strikes you—he’s so incredibly small.
I mean I’ve heard from other people that one day there will just
suddenly be this little being in my life, vaguely resembling me and
holding my entire genetic code—or half of it anyway—lying there
propped up in a little bed and completely dependent on me, but I
never knew it would be like this.
Those big blue eyes staring back at me.
The wide gaping mouth unable to form words but speaking volumes.
The hair—what little there is, is all over the place.
And the oddly big wrinkly hands just kind of aimlessly pawing the
air.
I look at him and I think “Dad, I don’t want to die like this.”
Curtain
171
Da Vinci Decision
Cast of Characters
VOICEOVER
(This text may be staged any way you wish. The original was
staged thusly:
lackout. With the “Go” a laser light slowly moves across from
B
stage right to left while the following text is spoken on voiceover.
The laser light moves until it encounters a performer’s nude body
center stage, standing as Da Vinci’s famous drawing of man with
spread arms and legs. The light traces the outline of their body—up
the arms and around the fingers, shoulders, neck, head, etc.—and
then finally moves—on stage left to continue its original path.)
VOICEOVER. (Slowly consistent:) You walk along as you normally
do, putting one foot in front of the other.
A certain pattern emerges.
And you settle into it.
Left, right.
Left, right,
Left—
(Quickly:) And then suddenly everything changes as you are
presented with a roadblock, a pot hole, a racetrack, a bridge. And
you are faced with the dilemma of making a choice, a choice you
had never anticipated, a choice you hadn’t imagined ever coming to
you. You of all people! Why YOU??? But you have to do something,
something utterly new as your pattern no longer works for it has
been dashed to the ground and shattered into a million tiny little
pieces. Perhaps you think it’s a “no-win situation” and you have to
choose the lesser of two evils. Perhaps you view it as a “no brainer”
and you think you can smoothly move on. Perhaps it’s an utter
catastrophe and you see yourself completely devastated for time
immemorial. But you have to do something. You can’t go back. You
have to move on. You must run or pounce or dance or retreat or stab
or hop or protect or…
And finally you do…
One of those things.
And deal with the consequences.
And, sooner or later, you do move on.
And you go back to the pattern.
But somehow changed.
Right, left.
172
Right, left.
Right—
And you are glad.
Curtain
Flammable Pants
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(A PERFORMER addresses the audience with a clipboard.)

PERFORMER.For this play, you are to indicate that the statement I
read is true for you by raising your hand over your head. For instance,
if I were to say, “My name is Michael,” you would respond…
(Guys named Michael hopefully raise their hands.)
Very good. But if I were then to say “I have a name,” you would
respond…
(Presumably everyone raises their hand.)
Excellent. It’s incredibly important that you respond honestly if this
play is to work. Here we go:
(After the first statement the lights begin to dim and before the fourth
statement the lights have gone out completely all extraneous light has
been blacked out so that you can’t see your hand in front of your face.)
Statement Number One: I believe people should be honest.
Number Two: I value the honesty of my friends.
Three: I think of myself as an honest person.
Four: I pick my nose.
Five: I am a masturbator.
Six: I have cheated while in a monogamous relationship.
Seven: I have had a sexually transmitted disease.
Eight: I have had a homosexual experience.
I have shoplifted as an adult.
I have made racist remarks.
I have had an abortion.
I take anti-depressants.
I have tried to commit suicide.
I regret raising my hand at the beginning of this play.
I did not raise my hand when I should have earlier in this play.
I think of myself as an honest person.
(The lights come up immediately after this last statement to show
people’s hands still in the air.)
Thank you for your honesty.
Curtain
174
Regrets
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
(Sufjan Stevens’ song “To Be Alone With You” from the “Seven
Swans” album plays. JEFF is sitting sadly on the lip, looking off
stage left.)
JEFF.Jeff stands on stage and calls for Joan.
JOAN.(Walking on from stage left and sitting next to JEFF:) Joan runs
out to him and hugs him.
JEFF. (Looking at JOAN who shakes her head:) They hold hands and
walk up and sit together.
JOAN.(JEFF looks down:) They listen to a favorite song.
JEFF.(JOAN rubs JEFF’s shoulder:) They look into each other’s eyes.
JOAN.(JOAN looks up:) Joan shakes her head.
JEFF.(JOAN shakes her head:) Jeff looks down.
JOAN.(Looking into each other’s eyes:) Joan rubs Jeff’s shoulder.
(The music cuts out.)
JEFF.He looks at her again.
JOAN.(They stand up, holding hands, and walk center stage:) She shakes
her head again.
JEFF.(They hug:) She stands up and walks off stage.
JOAN.(Running off stage right from him:) Jeff sits sadly.
JEFF.(Standing center, he calls off stage right:) “Joan!”
Curtain
Note:
If it’s not clear from the stage directions, the text of this play is a
description of the action of the play in reverse, ie. the first line of the
play describes the opposite of the last action of the play, the second
action the penultimate line, etc.. Although very difficult to conceive
at first, the performance is very satisfying once you get it down.
175
The Life and Times of
Noah Jacob Consider Whiteley-Allen
As Written By His Father and
Directed by Robert Wilson
Cast of Characters
MAN
WOMAN
(Blackout.
Phillip Glass music from “Satyagraha” fades in.
ights rise to show a MAN wrapped in a blanket and sitting stage
L
right with his eyes closed.
Pause.
He startles once and then returns to stillness.
Pause.
e startles again, returns to his pose, opens his eyes slowly and
H
blinks a bit.
e looks to the left, then to the right, then straight ahead, then
H
opens his mouth as wide as possible in a silent scream.
fter five seconds a WOMAN enters stage left with a tall glass of
A
milk in her hand.
She very, very slowly crosses the stage to the MAN, one foot in
front of the other.
hen she finally reaches him, he stops his scream and closes his
W
mouth. Simultaneously the music stops.
He looks at her. He looks at the milk.
e takes the milk in his right hand, and places his left hand on her
H
right breast. He then slowly drinks the entire glass of milk.
hen he finishes the milk he lowers the glass, removes his hand
W
from her breast, and hands the glass back to the WOMAN.
She takes it in her right hand.
Pause.
176
he quickly places the empty glass over her right breast and the
S
music resumes.
he turns and slowly exits the stage left very very slowly as she
S
entered.
As she exits the MAN puts his blanket back around his shoulders
and slowly closes his eyes.
Lights slowly fade as the woman exits the stage.
Music fades.)
Curtain
Zenith
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
(One performer after another enters to deliver their lines. Everyone

addresses the audience very enthusiastically.)
ONE.Ladies and gentlemen, this is the play you’ve been waiting for.
This is the play you were hoping to see the moment you decided to
attend this show this evening.
TWO.This play contains the culmination of every penny you paid
to get in and every second you spent getting here. This is the one
play that has the capacity to change your life.
THREE.After this play nothing will ever seem the same. You will be
able to walk around knowing that you are a more complete person
because you have seen this play. This play will make you feel good
inside for the rest of the week.
FOUR. Food will always taste better after this play. You will feel
great about your body after this play. The clothes you are wearing
while seeing this play will always receive compliments after this
play.
FIVE.After this play everyone will love you, even people who think
you are an asshole…even if you are an asshole!
SIX. You will get what you can’t have after this play. You will get
what you can’t have and still feel like you want it after this play.
ONE. This play will alter your consciousness forever about what
a play is. You will always have a sense of superiority over others
because you have seen this play. For the rest of your life you will be
able to make subtle witty allusions to this play that everyone will
laugh at but no one will understand!
178
TWO. Books will be written about this play, and about the people
who have seen this play, and you will be in those books because you
are one of those people!
THREE. This play is great! This play is wonderful! This play is the
best play that has ever been written! Say it with me, “THIS IS THE
BEST PLAY THAT HAS EVER BEEN WRITTEN!”
FOUR. When you leave the theater tonight you will tell us how
much you enjoyed this play, how this was your favorite play, and
how much you admire and respect us for having done it.
FIVE.This play will last you a lifetime.
SIX.You will live longer because you will have seen this play.
ONE.You will die thinking of this play.
TWO.You will never see this play again.
THREE.This play will never be performed again.
FOUR.This play will never end.
FIVE.This play is over.
SIX.This play is dead.
ALL.Long live this play!
Curtain
These Things Are True
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
(The ensemble lines up on stage in the dark. Each performer has

a flashlight that they use to light their own face when they are
speaking.)
ALL.These things are true.
ONE. I killed fourteen rats by slamming them onto rocks in tube
socks and then wringing their necks with my fingers.
TWO.I snorted two M&M’s up my nose and they never came out.
THREE.I bailed my mom out of jail about four years ago and have
kept this a secret from everyone in my family.
FOUR.I lost my virginity on my 16th birthday.
FIVE.I was arrested for shoplifting.
ONE.When I was seven years old, I let go of my two-year-old sister’s
tricycle, sending her full speed down the driveway to where she
broke her leg.
TWO. I purposely drank ipecac and projectile vomited spaghetti
out the back of a pickup truck on the highway.
THREE.I parasailed naked.
FOUR.I had cosmetic surgery.
FIVE.I punched a rooster in the throat and permanently messed up
its cock-a-doodle-doo.
ONE. I didn’t show up for work and instead ate hallucinogenic
mushrooms and camped in a tent behind the building for two days.
TWO.I’ve had cancer.
THREE.I was shot through the leg.
180
FOUR. I got reprimanded in 4th grade for referring to one of the

lunch tables as “the pathetic table” because of the people who always
sat there.
FIVE.I spent my junior year of high school wearing black gloves as
a stylistic choice.
ONE. I got so wasted that I spilled a bowl of Easy Mac down the
front of my pants and got third degree burns on my pubis during
pool season.
TWO.I came across a man masturbating in the woods and I watched
him without saying anything until he saw me and ran away.
THREE.I have grown a beard down to my nipples.
FOUR. I taunted a German girl so badly with Nazi slurs that she
never came back to school.
FIVE.I had sex with a stranger at a science fair.
ONE.I once stole a box of family photographs from my dad because
my mom told me that if I did I could come back and live with her.
TWO. I have worked with Ron Howard, Tom Hanks, Mel Gibson
and Vince Vaughn.
THREE.I slept with two different women in the same night.
FOUR.I have shaken my child.
FIVE. I’ve had to call 9-1-1 to handle a family member’s suicide
attempt.
ONE.I once got a bully off my back by hitting him in the head with
a combination lock.
TWO.I got my penis stuck in a test tube.
THREE.I voted for Bush the second time.
ALL.All these things are true.
(Blackout.)
(Lights back up.)
Just not for me.
(They light each other with their flashlights while they look around
suspiciously.)
(Blackout.)
Curtain
182 Greg Allen
Note:
This play was created by asking each ensemble member to send a
list of unique or somewhat unbelievable facts about their life to me.
I then distributed the facts between the performers such that no one
spoke their own fact. The script below was the result of this process
in March of 2011 but you can create your own version of “These
Things Are True” with your own ensemble by using this process
and keeping the first and last two lines the same. (It’s more fun for
the performers if you never reveal who was the source of each of
the facts—it keeps everyone guessing and creates some interesting
conversations.)
Obligatory
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
(ONE is on stage behind a chair, holding it as if for someone to sit

down. TWO is standing on the other side of the stage.)
(Pause.)
ONE.Hey.
TWO.Hey.
(Pause.)
TWO.Oh.
(TWO realizes he is supposed to cross the stage and sit in the chair
ONE is holding. He does so.)
TWO.Thanks.
ONE.Sure.
(Pause as ONE stands awkwardly.)
TWO.Oh.
(TWO gets up, goes and gets another chair from offstage, sets it
opposite his own chair, and holds it as ONE had held the chair for
him. ONE goes and sits in the chair.)
ONE.Thanks.
TWO.Sure.
(TWO begins to go and sit in his chair but then hesitates awkwardly.)
ONE.Oh— (Starting to get up to seat TWO again.)
TWO.(Waving him off:) No, I…no.
(Awkwardly, ONE and TWO manage to sit—neither desiring to
sit first.)
(They sit silently across from each other. Awkward pause.)
ONE.(Remembering:) Oh—
(ONE reaches into his pocket and takes something out and holds
it before him. [It is a different object of the performer’s choice each
night.])
183
184 Greg Allen
TWO.What you got there?

ONE.A prop.
TWO.A prop?
ONE.Yeah.
(Pause.)
TWO.What you gonna’ do with it?
ONE.Don’t ask.
TWO.Okay.
(Pause.)
(ONE takes the prop, stands up, and balances it on TWO’s head.
Once it is balanced successfully he returns to his chair. TWO just
awkwardly submits to all this.)
(Pause.)
TWO.Why’d you do that?
ONE.(Muttered inaudibly.)
TWO.What?
ONE.“Stage direction.”
TWO.Oh.
(Long awkward silence as ONE just sits there and TWO sits with
the thing balanced on his head.)
TWO.How’s this gonna’ end?
(Pause.)
ONE.Not well.
(Pause.)
(Slow fade to black as both sit disappointed.)
Curtain
Note:
All the lines and actions in this play are performed grudgingly and
tentatively, as if someone were forcing the performers through their
lines and actions…which, of course, I am…but in a subtle way.
Heads You Lose
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
(JEFF storms around on stage, alternately furiously ranting, then

breaking into quiet depressive self-loathing, then back again.)
JEFF. Angry. I…am… Angry. I Am INCREDIBLY ANGRYYYYY! I
AM FURIOUS!!!! I AM PISSED—OFF!!!!!!
Of course I’m not really. I’m only acting. In fact I never really get
angry. I mean I get angry but I never run around screaming and
breaking things. I usually just get quietly depressed. But inside
I feel like I should really be SCREAMING!! AND THROWING
THINGS!!! I FEEL LIKE…LIKE…I WANT TO BREAK THINGS!!!
LIKE I WANT TO BREAK THIS CHAIR!!! LIKE I WANT TO RAM
MY HEAD THROUGH THIS WALL!!! LIKE I WANT TO RIP OFF
MY ARMS AND LEGS AND BEAT MYSELF WITH THEM!!!!!
Of course, I can’t. Not just because of the physiological impossibility
of that, but because of the way I just am. Or the way I was raised.
I mean in college I had a friend who tried to give me lessons in—I
DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT!!! I WANT TO DO!!!
I WANT TO BE ANGRY!!! I WANT TO TAKE THIS AND DO
THAT!!!! I WANT TO TAKE THIS WOMAN’S HEAD AND…
EAURRGGHHH!!!! I HATE!!! I DETEST!!! I LOATHE!!! I SEETH
WITH IGNOMINY!!!!!!
I “seethe with ignominy”?? I mean what is this—some kind of
vocabulary test? I don’t even think that’s the right word. I can’t
even get pissed off without turning it into some sort of intellectual
exercise tantamount to the SATs! There I go again! You know how
that makes me feel?
IT PISSES ME OFF!!! THIS FEELS RIGHT!!! THIS FEELS GOOD!!!
THIS IS HOW I SHOULD BE!!! I MEAN… (Finding an ensemble member
near the stage:) SAM, SAM! YOU’VE KNOWN ME FOR YEARS—FOR
THREE LONG YEARS SAM!—AND HAVE YOU EVER, EVER SEEN
ME GET THIS PISSED—OFF!!???
SAM.No, no I haven’t.
JEFF.Well have you ever seen me kind of sullen and depressed and
mumble about things?
185
186 Greg Allen
SAM.CONSTANTLY!!!!
JEFF. GODDAMN IT!!! FUCKING SHIT!!! GODDAMN MOTHER-
FUCKING ASSHOLE… (Continuing to try to swear but running out of
words futilely and devolving into sounds until he stops).
I can’t even swear properly. Oh God, I better stop this. This is really
pissing me off.
(JEFF walks off stage in despair.)
Curtain
Congressional Compromise,
or Revenge of the Hammer
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
(JEFF comes out on stage to confront SAM. JEFF is holding a

hammer behind his back.)
JEFF.Hi Sam.
SAM.Hi Jeff.
JEFF.I’d like to give you something.
SAM.That’s nice. What is it?
JEFF.I don’t think you’re going to like it.
SAM.Well why are you going to give it to me then?
JEFF.Because it’s something we have to agree on, and it’s good for
you, but you probably won’t realize that.
SAM.Well give it to me and find out.
JEFF.Here. (JEFF gives SAM the hammer.) It’s a hammer.
SAM.Oh, that’s cool. I can use a hammer.
JEFF.But it’s a hammer that kills babies.
SAM.Oh, I don’t want a hammer that kills babies.
JEFF.See, I told you.
SAM.But I could use it for something else.
JEFF.Like what?
SAM.Like killing terrorists.
JEFF.But that’s not the purpose of this hammer.
SAM.It could be.
JEFF.Well only if you completely redesign it. You see this part here
(He points to the back of the hammer), it’s used to pry babies’ skulls
open.
SAM.Well what if we use it to pry terrorists’ skulls open?
JEFF.It’s not designed for that.
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188 Greg Allen
SAM.I know, but what if it were?

JEFF.I wouldn’t approve of it.
(Pause.)
SAM. What if we left it the same way it is, but used it to pry
terrorists’ skulls open?
JEFF.What if we modified it, and then used it to kill babies?
(Pause.)
SAM.Tell you what, we’ll take it back to the manufacturer and see
if they can completely redesign it to help old ladies across the street.
JEFF.How long would that take?
SAM.Forever.
(Pause.)
JEFF.Tell you what, we’ll take it back to the manufacturer so they
can completely redesign it to pry your skull open.
(Pause.)
SAM.What if we compromise? We can keep it exactly the way it is,
but use it to help old ladies across the street.
JEFF.And pry their skulls open.
SAM.When they’re babies.
JEFF.Terrorist babies.
(They go to shake hands but turn it to flip each other off.)
Curtain
Three Year Old Interview
Cast of Characters
JEFF
(JEFF chooses someone out of the audience and seats them across
from him on stage. He holds a clipboard with his questions for them
on it. He is affable throughout but makes sure never to let them ask
him a question.)
JEFF.Hi, I’m Jeff.
(Audience member responds, or not.)
JEFF.How are you doing tonight?
(Audience member answers.)
JEFF.Why?
(Audience member responds.)
JEFF.Why?
JEFF.Why?
JEFF.Why?
JEFF.Why?
(This goes on until the audience member is completely unable
to answer, they start looping back on themselves, or the play
has completely worn out its welcome. At that point JEFF throws
himself onto the floor at the audience member’s feet while saying:)
JEFF.I’m sleepy.
(JEFF curls up there for a bit until someone calls…)
Curtain
189
The Goat
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
(All is in darkness. Performers light their faces with flashlights

when they speak. The other performers increasingly regard FOUR
with derision.)
ONE.I am
TWO.I am
THREE.I am
FOUR.The Goat.
ONE.I am
TWO.I am
THREE.I am the
FOUR.Goat.
ONE.There is
TWO.There is
THREE.Nothing you can do but
FOUR.Fail.
ONE.There is
TWO.There is
THREE.Nothing you can do but
FOUR.Fail… Because
ONE.You are
TWO.You are
THREE.You are
FOUR.The Goat.
190
ONE.Yes, you are

TWO.You are
THREE.You are the
FOUR.Goat.
ONE.At first we identify,

TWO.At first we have sympathy,
THREE.At first we give chances,
FOUR.But I fuck them all.
ONE.At first we identify,

TWO.At first we have sympathy,
THREE. AT FIRST WE SAY, HERE TAKE THE BALL AND RUN
WITH IT AND SHOW US THAT YOU CAN DO SOMETHING THAT
IS LAUDABLE OR FUNNY OR SUAVE OR AT LEAST SOMEWHAT
RESPECTABLE SO THAT WE CAN SEE THAT YOU DO HAVE
SOME HIDDEN QUALITIES WHICH WOULD SOMEHOW
COMPENSATE FOR THIS INCREDIBLE PATHETICNESS WHICH
YOU SEEM TO RADIATE LIKE A TOXIC CLOUD OF FAILURE—A
CLOUD WHICH WE SEE AND FEAR AND HATE AND PRAY TO
GOD WE ARE NOT!!!!
FOUR.But I fuck it up.
ONE, TWO & THREE.BECAUSE!

ONE.YOU ARE
TWO.YOU ARE
THREE.YOU ARE THE
FOUR.Goat.
ONE.You are
TWO.You are
THREE.You are the
FOUR.Goat
ONE.You are awkward,

TWO.You are embarrassing,
THREE.You are pathetic,
FOUR.I am picked last.
192 Greg Allen
ONE.You are awkward

TWO.You are embarrassing
THREE.You are pa—
FOUR.(Interrupting and off rhythm:) I am—
(Pause.)
THREE.You are pathetic!
FOUR.Sorry.
ONE.We hate you.

TWO.We hate you.
THREE.We hate you.
FOUR.I know.
ONE.We hate you.

TWO.We hate you.
THREE.We hate you.
FOUR.I am known.
(A spotlight slowly begins to rise on FOUR.)
ONE.We hate you.
TWO.We hate you.
THREE.We hate you.
FOUR.I am famous.
ONE.We hate you.

TWO.We hate you.
THREE.We hate you.
FOUR.I am loved!… Because:
ONE.You are
TWO.You are
THREE.You are
FOUR.The Goat!… Yes!
(The spotlight has risen to full force on FOUR who sounds
victorious.)
ONE.You are
TWO.You are
THREE.You are
FOUR.THE GOAT!
Curtain
American Mantra
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
(Five ensemble members are spread out around the space in the
dark. Each speaker lights a match each time they say the stanza.)
ALL.(Strike match.) I am not villain.
And I am not victim.
I am just part of the force of the times. (Toss burnt match.)
ALL.(Strike match.) I am not villain.
ONE, TWO, THREE, & FOUR.(Strike match.) I am not villain.
ONE, TWO & THREE. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
ONE & TWO.(Strike match.) I am not villain.
ONE. (Strike match.) I am not villain.
I am just part of the force…
(He lets the match burn down and then finally tosses it.)
Curtain
194
Early Capitalism
Cast of Characters
SAM
JEFF
(JEFF and SAM confront each other on stage. The tone is tense
and they are fierce. The text is spoken akin to classic 50s movie
Indian-speak.)
SAM.So…what do you have?
JEFF.What do you want?
SAM.I want your house…and your wife…and your daughter.
JEFF.It’ll cost you!
SAM. Yes. But you see I have (He pulls something out of his pocket:)
these stones.
JEFF.How many?
SAM.Three.
JEFF.Are they shiny?
SAM.They are very shiny.
JEFF.And…strong?
SAM.So strong.
JEFF.That will only get you my house…and my daughter.
SAM.I have more.
JEFF.More?
SAM.I have the scream of the Banshee.
JEFF.Show me.
(SAM begins to do the scream of the Banshee but then thinks
better of it.)
SAM.Do you think I am an idiot? I will not give it to you for noth-
ing! What will I get?
JEFF.Half of my wife.
SAM.Which half?
JEFF.(After thinking:) Left.
195
196 Greg Allen
SAM.Hmmmm. You drive a hard bargain Tall Man.

JEFF.You are holding out on me Fatty.
SAM.All right! I have two sons…and the wind from the trees.
JEFF.Ah! I knew it! The wind—
SAM. —from the trees. But it is of too much value. I dare not part
with it for so little.
JEFF.What if I gave you more?
SAM.What more would I want?
JEFF.(Mystical:) The power to hold things down.
SAM.Gravity?!
JEFF.Yes, I have gravity, and…centripetal force!
SAM.I have heard of this force. It is good for the (He makes swinging
arm motions.).
JEFF. Yes. So, those three strong shiny stones, the scream of the
Banshee, the wind from the trees, and two sons—
SAM.One son!
JEFF.One son.
SAM. For your wife, your house, your daughter, and centripetal
force!
(They “shake on it” by cupping each other’s genitals. They walk
off talking.)
SAM.But how long will this force last?
JEFF.How long will my wife last?
(They banter until they can no longer be heard, but from the next
room comes the scream of the Banshee.)
Curtain
Pale Blue Eyes
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
(ONE stands on stage beside TWO. Any role can be played by any
gender—adjust the pronouns accordingly.)
ONE.Things were good.
Things were really good.
And then they were bad.
And then they were good again.
And then they were bad.
They were really really bad.
And then they were over.
(TWO turns and begins to walk away in slow motion.)
But I was okay.
I could go on.
I could be on my own.
And then he came along.
(THREE enters and stands beside ONE.)
And things were good.
They were really good.
And then they were over.
(THREE exits.)
And I thought of you. (TWO pauses.)
And I could close my eyes and feel you right next to me.
But I was okay. (TWO continues.)
I could go on.
And then she came along.
(FOUR enters and stands beside ONE.)
197
198 Greg Allen

They were really really—bad! They were awful! And then they were
over!
(FOUR exits.)
And how you used to always hold my hand.
I could go on.
I could be okay on my own.
And then he came along.
(FIVE enters and stands beside ONE.)
And things were…good?
They were really…good?
And then they were really…over?
(FIVE exits.)
And I re-read all of your letters.
I could go on.
And then she came along.
(SIX enters and stands beside ONE.)
They were really good.
And then I thought of you. (TWO pauses.)
And then you called.
And then we said goodbye. (TWO exits.)
And things are good.
Things are really really good.
(ONE and SIX hug.)
Curtain
Love It When You Ask
Cast of Characters
JEFF
SAM
(JEFF and SAM stand beside each other center stage. They are
awkward. They are consistently shocked by their “slip ups” and
verbally correct themselves suddenly and forcefully.)
JEFF.Hi.
SAM.Hi.
JEFF.How are you to dick?—today!
SAM.Oh I’m doing just fart—just fine!
JEFF.You know I went downtown today and I bought a new penis—
pen! I bought a new pen!
SAM.Really. Is it a dick?—a Bic?
JEFF.Yes I lick dicks—like Bics!
SAM.Well it’s hard to fuck with an old penis—write with an old pen!
JEFF.I have to ball!…point…pens. Two of them.
SAM.Is it a clit on?—clip on? A clip on?
JEFF.Yeah, it just tits on my shirt—fucks in the dirt—TUCKS IN MY
SHIRT!
SAM.Is it difficunt?—cult—dif-fi-cult?
JEFF.Will you shove it up my ass?—Why do you ask?
SAM.How big is your dick?
(JEFF looks confused.)
SAM.I’m sorry…I mean the girth of it.
Curtain
199
Mutual
Cast of Characters
JEFF
JOAN
(JEFF and JOAN stand across the stage from each other.)
JEFF.Hey Joan, come here.
(JOAN starts to cross the stage to JEFF.)
JEFF.(Stopping her:) No no no. What are you doing?
JOAN.I was just coming there.
JEFF.Why?
JOAN.Because you told me to.
JEFF.No! Don’t you see? I don’t want you to come because I told you
to. I want you to come because you want to come.
JOAN.(Confused:) Oh. Okay.
(JOAN returns to her place.)
(JOAN hesitates and then starts to cross the stage to JEFF.)
JEFF.(Stopping her:) What are you doing now?
JOAN.I’m coming over there.
JEFF.Why?
JOAN.Because I want to.
JEFF.You do?
JOAN.Well I mean… I don’t mind.
JEFF.You “don’t mind”?
JOAN.Well it’s not worth making some big scene about. If you want
me to come over there—
JEFF.No. Don’t you see? I don’t want the gift of your compliance to
my request. I want you to genuinely want to come. I want you to
show how we are in agreement. Do you understand now?
JOAN.Um, yeah?
JEFF.Do you?
200
JOAN.Yeah. Yes! I do.

(JOAN returns to her place.)
(JOAN does not move.)
JEFF.HEY JOAN, COME HERE!
JOAN.(Whispering to him:) Am I supposed to come now?
JEFF.NO! God damn it! (JEFF crossed over to JOAN’s side of the stage
to talk to her.) Don’t you understand? No matter how much I order
you to come over to my side, I only want you to come if you really
want to come. I don’t want to badger you into it. I want you to come
because you believe in it, because that’s what you really feel you
really want to do.
JOAN.Well now you’re over here. Why don’t you just tell me what
you—
JEFF. No! You don’t get it. It’s not about my wishes. It’s about you
really wanting the same thing as me.
JOAN.Oh. Okay.
(JEFF crosses back to his side of the stage.)
JEFF.Hey Joan, come here!
JOAN.(Under her breath:) (fuck you)
JEFF.What?
JOAN.Fuck You!
JEFF.Woah! Where did that come from?
JOAN. You just want me to comply with your little power game
going on here.
JEFF.No, no, no. That’s totally the wrong impression. It’s not about
power. It’s about symbiosis. It’s about wanting the same thing
naturally without having to ask for it. It’s about coming together in
a completely mutual way.
202 Greg Allen
JOAN.Well, why don’t you come over here?

JEFF.Because that’s not what’s going on. This is about me expressing
my wishes and you naturally showing how you agree with them
because we want the same thing.
JOAN.Hey Jeff, come here.
JEFF.No, don’t start that.
JOAN.Hey Jeff, come here.
JEFF.No, that’s not the point at all.
JOAN.Hey Jeff! Come Here!
(JEFF just shakes his head in silent frustration.)
JOAN.(Mocking sarcastically:) What’s wrong Jeff? Why don’t you come
over here? Look, we want the same thing. We’re in total agreement.
JEFF.Fuck you Joan.
JOAN.Fuck you Jeff. (Out to the audience:) There, symbiosis.
Curtain
Déjà Vu
(After the title “Déjà Vu” is called, the entire ensemble attempts
to repeat the exact action of the previously performed play as
precisely as possible. This includes the set up, the “Go,” the tossing
of the paper wad number into the audience, and any audience
interaction, as well as any mistakes and mis-cues. The curtain is
called after the entire previous play is repeated.)
Note:
If this happens to be the first play pulled from the clothesline, the
introductory speech should be repeated in the same way.
A perennial favorite, there have historically been a myriad of
variations on this play—from Deja Chicken, where chicken clucks are
substituted for every line (except, of course, proper nouns) to Deja
Vuless, where the previous play is repeated in an adjoining room
so that the audience can only hear but not see the play (unless they
choose to come find it). There’s even been Deja Corner of Foster and
Ashland where the previous play is repeated outside the theater (in
the case of The Neo-Futurarium on the corner of Foster and Ashland
avenues). You should, of course, substitute your actual address into
the title.
203
Appendix: 15 Special Bonus Anti-Plays!
As all of us know who have attempted to perform “30 Plays in
60 Minutes,” it’s damn near impossible without a couple of time-
saving “ringers” on the menu. We call these super-short instant
plays “Anti-Plays” and there is almost always one or two of them
on any menu of 30 plays—otherwise we have no hope of finishing
before the hideous buzzer sounds on our 60 minute timer. There’s a
surprising variety in what you can do with a zero to ten second play
and I have included fifteen of them here. (There’s even one play that
lasts negative time!) In the true Italian Futurist sense of synthesis,
these plays often eschew narrative to express a quick turn of phrase
or a very singular idea—much like a single panel of a comic strip
versus a series of panels. Despite their brevity, these plays are often
some of the most memorable and favorite plays of our audiences,
although certainly not the most complex. So when you’re putting
together your menu of 30 plays, make sure to include a couple of
the following or you can throw your clock out the window.
Nobody Here
(Blackout.)
(Lights rise to show the stage scattered with chickens in many forms.
After a few moments the lights slowly fade to black.)
Curtain
Amelia Earhart
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(The title of this play should appear as #10 on the menu. At

one point during the show’s introduction, the PERFORMER
addressing the audience simply says to the audience:)
204
PERFORMER. Oh…play number 10… (He jumps up and pulls down
number 10.) will not be performed tonight because it has been lost.
(He then crumples up the number and nonchalantly tosses it into
the audience as he would any other number and quickly continues
on with the rest of the introduction. The name of anyone currently
missing can also be substituted for the title of the play.)
(There is no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)
Real Famous Last Words
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
(Six ensemble members line up on stage. When the “Go” is called

they say their lines in as rapid succession as possible. Ideally this
is a three second play.)
ONE. Whoops!
TWO.Uh-oh.
THREE.What?
FOUR.Hey!
FIVE.Fuuuuuuuck.
SIX.Pretty!
Curtain
205
The Sound and The Fury
(Blackout.
he sound of an incredibly obnoxious alarm clock is heard, then
T
amplified to a deafening level through the sound system.
ights comes up on stage showing someone lying there next to an
L
alarm clock.
I n one swift movement they roll over and totally smash the clock
with a mallet.
T he alarms stop.
T he stage lights fades to black.)
Curtain
The Littles
Cast of Characters
ONE
ONE. (As if telling a bedtime story, until the end:) Once upon a time
there was a little town with a little house that was owned by a little
man with a little wife and a little dog and the whole thing was just
so God damn small you couldn’t see it on the stage!
Curtain
Oldies But Goodies
Cast of Characters
ONE
TWO
THREE
206
(ONE, holding a pie, asks TWO, holding a glass of water, for the
time. TWO turns his wrist to glance at his watch which spills his
drink all over his shirt making him instinctively step back into a
long board which THREE “happens” to be carrying as he passes
by. This causes the other side of the board to swing forward hitting
ONE in the back which causes him to slam his face into the pie he
holds.)
Curtain
There Is No Dog
(The stage is cleared. The title and “Go!” are called. There is no
dog.)
Curtain
A Fissure in the Fabric of Time
Cast of Characters
PERFORMER
(Someone walks on stage and stops the timer counting the 60

minutes. He looks at the audience. He either subtracts or adds time
to the clock. He then restarts the clock and walks off stage. There is
no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)
207
The Day the Number Rebelled and
Took Control of Its Own Fate,
Pursuing a Life It Had Only Dreamed
of in a World It Had Never Seen
(When this number is pulled down off the clothesline, the jumper
begins to read the title on the back but before he can get all the way
through it the paper number is yanked back up to the clothesline,
out across the ceiling, and out of the room. The jumper is left with
nothing but, after a beat, to ask the audience for another number.
There is no “Go!” or “Curtain!” for this play.)
Note:
This is accomplished through artful rigging with some fishing line.
§
what it sounds like when five

ordinary people push five ordinary
objects with five other ordinary
objects from one side of the stage to
the other and then hit them three
times any way they wish
(The title is enacted with five people and ten ordinary yet sonorous
objects.)
Curtain
208
Tool
Cast of Characters
ONE
ONE. Sometimes we include a really short play on the menu so that

we have a better shot at finishing the show in sixty minutes.
Curtain
This is Not a Play
(The jumper jumps up and pulls down the number of this play but
then looks at it and declares “This is not a play. Give me another
number.” He then balls up the number and tosses it into the
audience before he jumps for another number. There is no “Go!” or
“Curtain!” for this play.)
§
Over Your Head
Cast of Characters
ONE
ONE. ( To audience:) So then Heidegger says to Wittgenstein, “Um

das Haus? Meine Frau ist das Haus!”
(ONE laughs obnoxiously, then stops.)
Look it up.
Curtain
209
Autobiography of a Match
(ONE stands center stage and begins to speak but just as he comes
to consciousness his entire being is overwhelmed by heat. Therefore
all he says is:)
“I hhhooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTT!!!!”
(Which he winds up screaming as he writhes, shrivels, and drops
to the floor.)
Curtain
Poultrygeist
(The stage is cleared of ensemble members and the “Go!” is called.

After a beat there is a blackout and a lot of clucking is heard. When
the lights come back up the stage furniture is arranged in an odd or
impossible formation.)
Curtain
210

Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind

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Too Much Light Makes The Baby Go Blind (30 Plays in 60 Minutes): 90 Neo-Futurist

Plays from the First 25 Years (1st ed. - 02.17.15) - toomuchlightIes

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Days of Wine and Rosés . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22

Every Time a Bell Rings, an Angel Gets to Salivate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

What I Assume People Think I Do When I Tell

The Nice Knife of Night . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34

Unspoken Laws of Human Nature Exposed . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39

An Open and Shut Case . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41

Writing As It Is Being Written . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43

Henry VI, Act IV, Scene ii, Line 86 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 48

…It’s How You Do It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50

The Art of Acting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 55

Ten Years…and six months . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63

The Lower Depths . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 65

The Story of How Xxxx Xxxxxx Xxxxxx-Xx Xxx Xxxxxxxx . . . . . . . . 67

The Verdict (for Rodney King) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70

The Voices of Walter Schuman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72

Sudden Death and Resurrection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 74

The Lamb May Lie Down with the Lion

Tableau for Three (Right this way, sir) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83

Still Image on a Wall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 85

Masterpieces of the Lyric Form . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87

Give and Take . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 94

Love, Phil . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100

The Pitter-Pat of Tiny Feet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103

Oleanna by David Mamet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105

The River Stynx . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107

Bad Review . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112

Snacktime at the RNC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 116

King Lear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .119

Practice Makes Prefect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 124

That Summer Feeling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 126

The Story of Hand in Glove . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129

This Play Does Not Exist . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 131

We Are All Individuals . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133

Blind Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 136

Hair Director . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 142

Story Problems That Still Haunt Me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 146

A Pair of Socks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 148

War Games . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 153

A Minute of Hope . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 154

Read Me Like A Book . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 156

Three Guys and a Doll . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158

Part of the Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 160

Uncle Vodka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 164

Genre Play #6: Horror . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167

12 Photographs of Eadweard Muybridge in Motion . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169

The Tricycle of Life . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 171

Da Vinci Decision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 172

The Life and Times of Noah Jacob Consider Whiteley-Allen

These Things Are True . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 180

Heads You Lose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 185

Congressional Compromise, or Revenge of the Hammer . . . . . . . . . . . . 187

Three Year Old Interview . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 189

The Goat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 190