The War on Christmas

Written by Joan Hall, December 2018

Characters
Satan
Satan's assistant

A banner on the wall reads “War Room”. Satan is seated in a swivel chair, reading printouts.
There is a computer on a desk in another part of the room.

The Assistant enters the room.

A: You summoned me, lord of darkness?

S: Yes, have a seat over there. I've got work for you to do.

A: (pointing to “War Room” sign) What's with the new sign?

S: We're at war now.

A: At war with whom?

S: I don't know yet. But HE just made a prophecy to Adam and Eve.

A: HE? Do you mean God?

S: I prefer not to say that name, but yeah, HIM. I thought I had won for sure when I brought down Adam
and Eve, but HE just told them that one of their descendants will destroy me. We have to stop that
descendant from ever being born. I don't know who it is, and I don't know when the birth will come, but
we have to stop it. This means war!

A: How are we going fight a war if we don't know who the enemy is?

S: Knowing how HE works, there will probably be more prophecies. Your job will be to watch what's
happening on earth while I plot my strategies. When I come up with my plans, you will send the orders
to my operatives.

A: Got it.

S: This is the most important operation we've ever had to carry out. Don't let me down!

A: Uhm, I can't let you DOWN; there isn't any place lower down than where we already are.

S: Don't talk back.

Assistant sits down at the computer desk and watches the screen for a while.
Satan swivels around to think.

A: Prophecy alert!
S: (swivels back) What is it?

A: Abram, the son of Terah. He's just been told that he'll be the forefather of the Deliverer.

Assistant hands Satan a printout. Satan reads it.

S: Wait a minute. He's ninety years old and he doesn't have any kids?

A: Yeah, but God is promising that he'll end up with a bunch of descendants.

S: Hmmm . . . His wife is really old, too. I think all I'll have to do is suggest to his wife that it's
impossible. If I can make her feel discouraged, they won't even try! And if they don't act on the
promise, they won't get their blessing! Send out discouraging messages, stat!

Assistant types on computer, then watches screen.

A: Uh oh. It was working for a while, but now it looks like we've got a problem.

S: What's the problem?

A: Faith is the problem. She's judging him faithful who promised.

S: I hate when that happens!

A: And now she's getting the strength to conceive. (watches and waits) She just delivered the child. It's a
boy, Isaac.

S: OK, we're not giving up here. Keep watching; I've got to make a new plan.

Satan swivels around to think.

A: OK, let's see . . . Oh wow, you can see the anointing as it goes from one generation to another. Abraham
begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judah and his brothers; Judah begat Phares . . .

Satan swivels back.

S: I've got it! Famine! I'll starve them out of existence. Their family line will be gone before the deliverer
can be born.

A: Famine? You can control the weather?

S: No, but famines come every now and then. I just have to make sure that nobody is ready for it. We'll
encourage everybody to be wasteful. Send out suggestions of wastefulness.

A: On it. (Types on computer, then waits and watches.) Uh oh.

S: Now what?

A: One of Jacob's sons just got put in charge of the food program in Egypt. He saw the famine coming and
he's starting a conservation program. (Hands Satan a printout.)
S: (reads) Wait a minute! This is the brother they sold into slavery and they said he was dead? But he ends
up being second in command in Egypt? Weren't you supposed to be watching him?

A: I was supposed to watch Judah; he's the one who's the forefather of the deliverer. I'm not omnipresent.
(watches) Now Judah and the rest of the family are coming to Egypt. Joseph is giving them all food.

S: After everything his brothers did to him, he's still feeding them?

A: Yeah, he thinks it was all God's will, so he's showing forgiveness.

S: I hate when that happens!

A: It looks like they're going to stay in Egypt for a while. Phares begat Esrom; Esrom begat . . .

S: Send out orders to enslave them. We'll break their spirit.

A: (types, then watches) They're multiplying even more. Esrom begat Aram; Aram begat Aminadab . . .

S: Send fear to the new pharaoh. Tell him he should kill all of the Hebrew babies.

A: (types, then watches) Uh oh. They slipped one past them. He's growing up in pharaoh's house . . . Wait,
he's in some trouble; he's leaving . . . Oh, now he's coming back. He's demanding that they let the
Hebrews leave Egypt. OH! He's wrecking the place! Flies, frogs, locusts, wow!

S: Harden Pharaoh's heart. Tell him to hold on, no matter what.

A: (types, then watches) He's holding firm . . . Uh oh . . . that last plague was too much. He's letting them
go . . . Wait, he's gonna try to get them back . . . Whoa! Nope, it's over. They're through the Red Sea
and on their way back home.

S: Can't you do anything right?

A: Nothing anybody does down here is RIGHT, remember?

S: Don't talk back! OK, back to the drawing board. (swivels around to think)

A: (watches screen) Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; Salmon begat Boaz; and Boaz
begat Obed; and Obed begat Jesse; Jesse begat David . . .

S: (swivels back) I've got it! The Philistines!

A: The Philistines?

S: They've been my agents for a long time. If I can get one of them to directly target one of the
forefathers . . .

A: They've got one soldier who's a giant. Undefeated in battle. Name's Goliath. (hands Satan a printout)

S: (reads printout) This is perfect! We've got a giant on our side; this forefather, David, thinks he knows
how to fight; and the Israelite king is a coward! Tell Goliath to issue a one-on-one challenge against
Israel. Saul will turn tail and hide from him, but this David will probably take the bait. We'll get rid of
David before he has any children.
A: (types) Sending instructions to Goliath. Oh! David is taking the challenge. Want to watch?

S: Yeah! (approaches computer; they both watch) WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! (stomps back to his chair and
swivels around)

A: Well, David is having children now. David . . . Solomon . . . Roboam . . . Abia . . . Asa . . . Josaphat . . .
Joram . . . Ozias . . . Joatham . . . Achaz . . . Ezekias . . . Manasses . . . Amon . . . Josias . . .
Jechonias . . .

S: (swivels back) I've got it! The Babylonians!

A: Another national enemy?

S: This time it'll work! Instead of making them slaves, we'll let them prosper. They'll forget all about their
religion and their promises from HIM. Send orders to the Babylonians to take them captive.

A: (types) Orders for captivity sent. (waits and watches) More children coming in captivity . . . Jechonias
begat Salathiel; Salathiel begat Zorobabel . . . Uh oh. Somebody's praying for them to come back home.
It's been seventy years and the prophecy had said that that's how long they would stay.

S: They still remember that prophecy?

A: One guy remembered. Name's Daniel. And he's quite a prayer warrior. (hands Satan a printout)

S: (reads the printout) So this guy is an old man, and he's rich and he doesn't have any children? Why
would he care whether they leave Babylon?

A: It looks like he wants to see the will of God carried out, regardless of whether it benefits him personally.

S: I hate when that happens!

A: (watches) They're coming out now. They're on their way back to Israel again.

S: (points at assistant) You've messed up again. You're on thin ice!

A: There isn't any ice down here.

S: Don't talk back! (mutters to himself) Need another plan, another plan . . . (swivels around to think)

A: (watches screen) Zorobabel begat Abiud . . . Eliakim . . . Azor . . . Sadoc . . . Achim . . . Eliud . . .
Eleazar . . . Matthan . . . Jacob . . . Joseph . . . PROPHECY ALERT! It's a big one! We've got a hit!

S: (swivels back) What is it?

A: This is the generation. An angel just prophesied to the mother. Mary. She is the one who will give birth
to the deliverer. (hands Satan a printout)

S: (reads printout) So Mary and Joseph aren't married yet, just engaged? That's right, I remember that
prophecy about the virgin. How can I work this? . . . I've got it! If everybody finds out that she's
pregnant, she'll be stoned to death as an adulteress before the baby is ever born! Start a gossiping
campaign against Mary immediately!
A: (types) Gossiping campaign started (watches) Uh oh.

S: Now what?

A: Well, it looks like the stoning may not happen. Joseph is a just man and doesn't want to make her a
public example. He's planning to quietly break the engagement . . . Wait . . . Another angel
appearance . . . this time it's to Joseph. The angel is telling him to go ahead and marry Mary and
everything will be OK.

S: Nah, he won't marry a woman with a questionable reputation.

A: (watches screen) He's doing it; he's going ahead with the marriage. It looks like he's trusting the word
of God instead of caring what other people think about him.

S: I hate when that happens!

A: (watches screen) The baby was just born. His name is Jesus. It's over. The deliverer has been born.

S: I'm not giving up! I'll kill Him before He completes his mission! Then his birth won't mean anything!
Send a spirit of jealousy to Herod; tell him to kill all the babies in the area.

A: (types) Orders being sent (watches) Uh oh, the angels keep outrunning us. They warned Joseph and he
got the family out of the country. (watches) Now that Herod is dead, they're coming back. The child is
growing up.

S: Maybe I can corrupt Him. Send the standard temptations: fame, power, fleshly desires.

A: (types) Sending . . . Nope, He's not biting. Every time something gets thrown at Him, He measures it
against the Scriptures.

S: I hate when that happens! I've got to stop Him! I'll kill Him if it's the last thing I do! (swivels around)

A: He's going into ministry now . . . preaching, healing, forgiving sins . . .

S: (swivels back) I've got it! The Pharisees!

A: The Pharisees work for you?

S: Not all of them, but enough of them. The same jealousy spirit we sent to Herod, send it to the Pharisees.

A: (types) Jealousy spirit sent. (waits and watches) The Pharisees are trying to get Him, but they can't
quite seal the deal. (hands Satan a printout)

S: (reads printout) I've got it! I'll have one of his own followers turn on Him. This guy here, Judas. He
loves money more than he loves righteousness. I love when that happens! Send Judas a suggestion that
he can get money by betraying his Master to the Pharisees.

A: (types) Suggestion sent. (watches) He's going for it. He's going to the Pharisees . . . they've captured
Jesus!

S: They'll bungle it if they try to handle Him themselves. Tell them to turn him over to the Romans.
A: (types, then watches) They're doing it . . . The Romans went for it! They're ordering a crucifixion!
Come look!

Satan approaches the computer. They both watch.

A: We did it!

S: It's done!

Satan and Assistant high-five each other.

A siren starts blaring.

S: What's going on?

A: (looks at screen) There's been a security breach! (watches) It's Jesus! He's in the main control center
upstairs!

S: How did He even get here?

A: He's dead. This is where all dead people come . . . But if He's dead, shouldn't He be under your control?

S: He should be! Everybody that . . . oh, wait a minute.

A: What?

S: The reason everybody is under my control is because of their sin-debt. If He never sinned I can't touch
Him. (looks alarmed) He could do anything down here! Shut down the main control center!

A: (types, watches, types, watches) I can't! All the access codes have been changed. He's in control now.
Jesus has the keys to everything. Death, hell, the grave.

S: Oh, no. Maybe this was HIS plan the whole time. Send someone down here who had no sin. And I
played right into it.

A: What will Jesus do now?

S: He probably won't even stay dead. If He hasn't sinned, death doesn't have any power over Him. He'll be
gone pretty soon, and anybody who joins up with Him will be able to escape my control.

Satan turns and looks at the “War Room” sign.

S: I fought this war for thousands of years, trying to stop His birth.

A: Maybe you can tell the world to quit caring about His birth. Tell them to exploit His birth as a greedy
materialistic holiday where they encourage selfishness.

S: Even if they do, it won't matter. The people who want to remember HIM will still be able to do it, no
matter what the rest of the world does. This war is over.

Satan pulls down the sign.

S: Every plan I tried failed and backfired. What went wrong? (turns toward the cross) What keeps
hindering me?

Satan looks at the cross for a moment.

S: I've got it! I know what the problem is! (turns to Assistant) It's you! You're the one who messed
everything up! You're incompetent! YOU'RE FIRED!

A: Fired? But everything down here is already on fire.

S: Get out! (goes back to his chair and swivels around)

THE END