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Changes in Heathers 101
Changes in Heathers 101
Beautiful
‘September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary. I believe I'm a good person, y’know, I think there's good in
everybody but here we are: first day of senior year! And uh… I look around at these kids that
I've know all my life and think: what happened?’
‘Ugh!’
‘Oh!! Sorry!!’
Hold your breath and count the days, we're graduating soon.
(White trash)
[Chorus]
We could be beautiful.
‘Oh, okay…’
Things will be better soon as my letter come from Harvard, Duke, or Brown,
Wake from this coma, take my diploma, then I can blow this town.
‘Watch it!!’
Fight the urge to strike strike a match and set this dump ablaze!
‘Ooooops!’
Ram Sweeney, third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays… and being a
huge jackass.
‘Ah!! Nothing!!’
[Chorus]
We could be beautiful.
Hey!
(...)’
‘Kurt Kelly: Quarterback. He is the smartest guy in the football team… which is kind of like being
the tallest dwarf.”
‘ALL RIGHT!’
‘Dear Diary’
Why? [Held]
Why do they hate me? || Why don't I fight back? || Why do I act like such a creep?
Why? [Held]
Why won't he date me? || Why did I hit him? || Why do I cry myself to sleep?
Why? [Held]
Give me a sign god, give me some hope here, something to live for.
‘H Duke – ‘Runs the yearbook. Her parents sent her to Europe while her nose job healed.’
‘and H Chandler – “the almighty” - all shall love her and despair’
‘they're solid Teflon: never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.’
So beautiful
‘I’d like to kidnap a Heather and dress her up in one of my wonder woman outfits.’
[Bathroom scene where Veronica joins the Heathers]
M: No! It was kinda cute, he was like a little puppy at a butcher shop window.
Fleming: Save it for your vocab quiz heather, you’re out past the bell. A week’s detention.
V: Actually, Ms Fleming… All four of us are out *on* a hall pass. Yearbook… committee.
F: I see you're all listed… hurry up and get where you're going
[Flemming leaves]
What boon?
Let me sit at your table just once - no talking nes. If people think you tolerate me then they'll
leave me alone.
[Heathers snicker]
Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes.
And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching
halves… that's very important.
Okay?
Okay!
Candy Store-
Are we gonna have a problem? Did zombies eat your brain? You’ve come so far why now are
you yanking on my chain?
I’d normally slap your face off, in front of the whole damn school. But I’m feeling nice, here’s
some advice, listen up fool!
M&D: I like!
MD: I like!
MD: I like!
killer clothes,
Guys fall
At your feet
All you
Have to do
That freak’s
If she
You’ve just gotta prove you’re not a doorknob anymore (instead of pussy)
You can join the team, or you can ditch and moan (instead of bitch)
You’ve just gotta prove you’re not a girl scout anymore (instead of lameass)
Kurt[?]: ‘Doesn’t this cafeteria have a no sissy-boys allowed rule?’ (w/ a lisp)
JD: ‘I don’t know what your problem is, but I bets it’s really hard for you to pronounce’
Fight For Me
Slightly faster tempo during the ‘let them drive us underground bit’?
Chandler says: ‘You basically left a puddle slobbering over that new kid’ instead of the
‘throwing your panties’ line
After drinking the slurpee, Veronica says: ‘ow! Fruit of the loom’?
JD whistles the tune after Veronica leaves instead of humming like he does in the bootleg.
Pre-party/Big Fun
Ram’s/Kurt’s dad says: ‘I’m gonna come back here and knock the sand outta you’ (instead of
‘outta your vagina’)
Kurt: ‘man that suuuCKKKKKKEDDDDDD’ (stated with perhaps too much expression)
Big Fun
Ram: Dad says act your age, you heard the man, it’s time to rage!
All: Blast the bass, turn out the light, ain't nobody home tonight!
Ram: Get down it’s all cool, jump right in my heated pool!
All: Punch the wall and start a fight, ain't nobody home tonight!
Kurt: His folks got a waterbed, come upstairs and rest your head.
All: The folks are gone, it's time for big fun! We’re up til dawn, having some big fun!
After the chorus, instead of talking about shots, H Mac says: ‘shimmy to the front shimmy
to the back then add a lasso!’
All: Don’t get close, you might ignite! Veronica is hot tonight!
Veronica: Dreams are coming true when people laugh but not at you. I'm not alone, I'm not
afraid! I feel like Bono at Live Aid!
All: The kitchen sink just broke! And that was big fun!
Ram:‘Gonna make em go whee! Whee! Wheee! Whee!’ (He's just punching the pig and
acting like it's squealing)
All: The party’s hot, hot, hot! It's time for big fun!
The whole dialogue bit here is exactly the same, except that Ram says “Pffffttttt! GROSS!”
instead of ‘there’s no alcohol in here!’.
All: The folks are gone! It's time for big fun! Up til dawn, having some big fun!
So let the speakers blow, they'll buy another stereo! Our folks got no clue ‘bout half the stuff
their children do! (‘stuff’ instead of ‘shit’) Why are they surprised whenever we're
unsupervised it’s big fun!
Post-Big Fun
No puke. Chandler just bitches on Veronica straight after the pinata incident.
Chandler still says: ‘where’s the keg?’ despite the fact that all of the lines about drinking
were taken out of Big Fun.
‘Veronica? What are you doing in my house?’ (JD says ‘house’ instead of ‘room’, Veronica
doesn’t shoosh JD. They’re on his couch in the living room instead of his bedroom)
Had to see you, hope I didn’t wake you (this is a change to all regional productions)
I’ve got one night to kill, before they roast me on the grill
And you know, you know, you know, it's cause you’re beautiful
Take this dead girl walking! (according to a picture I saw of the script, V says ‘serve your
dead girl walking’ but in the actual performance she says ‘take this’)
V: Let’s git ‘er done! (the script literally reads “git ‘er”)
Kiss this dead girl walking (official 101 script says “love this”)
V: Disconnect your phone, you and me need time alone (ok, ok)
Kiss away my fear, make this whole town disappear (ok, ok)
No more talking
Love this dgw, love this dgw, love this dg, yeah, yeah, yeah, ow. YEAHHHHHH
(They kiss furiously, the “ow” is her bumping her forehead against his)
HC: I’m like oxygen. I’m everywhere. Wait till the school hears that you spent the night with
psycho trenchcoat kid. (‘spent the night’ instead of ‘slept’)
HC: That’s not what I’m gonna tell everyone. You dirty slut!
Heather’s house
After listing the prairie oyster ingredients, Veronica says:: ugh, disgusting
And after JD tells her his ‘solution’, V says: Don’t be a jerk, that stuff will kill her (‘jerk’
instead of ‘dick’)
JD: Veronica!
V: ‘what?’
Me Inside Of Me
First verse, first chorus and second verse are exactly the same.
Principal Gowan: I am more than fun behind the bleachers (instead of the ‘handjobs’ line)
Ms Fleming’s part and the chorus that follows is exactly the same.
Heather M: Her world seemed like a perfect place…
Veronica: Sorry, I didn't mean to lose control like this. It's just, this classroom discussion has
stirred up emotions I haven't felt since hands across America!
Kurt and Ram say “Heather touching me!” and punch it in.
The rest is the same, with Heather saying over the top:
Chandler: Oh my god! I’m an icon! I’m bigger than John Lennon!
BBD says: ‘Some tribe of withered old ladies’ (‘ladies’ instead of ‘bitches’)
BBD: ‘All because Glenn Miller and his band once slept there’ (‘slept’ instead of ‘took a
shit/dump’)
JD: Veronica….. this is my dad… Big.. Bud.. Dean. (not an actual change but it’s hilarious
how slowly he says it)
Last time I sAW MY MOM SHE WAS WAVING OUT OF A LIBRARY WINDOW In Texas
(Again, not a change but he basically yells it)
Mac says: Veronica, I need help. I’m at Lehmann’s farm’ on the phone to Veronica
*COW MOOS*
K: -stupid!
V: Look, if you guys needed a ride, you should have told me on the phone. I took the bus here.
M: Well, Kurt said if we got you to show up here, Heather and I could go home, and he’d give us
the car keys.
M: Oh, come on, Veronica, I’ve seen you’re looking at Kurt. You think he’s cute, righhhht?
V: No!
D: God, Veronica, do you need a map and a friendly Indian guide? Guys only want one thing.
K?: The cows are down for the count and the ladies are up for grabs
M: A deal’s a deal.
D: Son of a sea captain.
M: Have fun!
R: How can you expect us to control ourselves when you look like that?
YOU’RE WELCOME
V: Dear diary, what words do we use to defuse a suitor with the brains of a boot and the morals
of a looter?
The rational play is to dash and call it a day but these trash, they’re like a car crash – you can’t
look away.
K: Hey there girl, avoid this fool, he tries to play cool while he’s dribbling drool.
R: Just trying to say in a friendly way that you’ve gotten hotter like every day
W!!
K: O
R: Hey there girl, avoid this punk, he’s hungry for a hunk of the junk in your trunk
K: There is no lie, that dog won’t try, when a tasty treat like you walks by, cause
K/R: once you were geeky and nerdy, now you’re flirty, freaky, and dirty
You’re welcome.
V: How do you get through to a pair of suitors who are circling like drunk circus bears on
scooters?
R and K: popular!
K: Hit me!
R: HUH!
You’re welcome.
V: Before we hit that stage where they give into their id, better borrow a page from the Karate
Kid!
K: YOW!
R: HUH!
Smile and stay friendly, don’t yell or beg, don’t spark a fire near a powder keg!
Hey girl, it’s no big thing, come try a little MUD WRESTLING!!!
V: Manure?
V: Swell.
K: I be-
Chandler: well. Look who’s having second thou- thoughts -though *starts choking on drano*
D: I’m just reporting what I heard. Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school about how
out-of-control you got last night. They said you were, oh, what was it again? What was the word
they used? Oh yeah-
K and R: A chainsaw!
Preppy: WHATTT?
K and R: A chainsaw!
R and K: A chainsaw!
Ah! Ah ah ah ah ah! X2
Duke: Bad choices come back to bite us, we can’t be friends; you’ll give us hepatitis
Goody-two shoes turned out to be, a cow who gives away her milk for free
Hey chainsaw!
She won’t stop at two!
Hey chainsaw!
Veronica Sawyer’s a-
Hey chainsaw!
Veronica Sawyer’s a-
Hey chainsaw!
Veronica Sawyer’s a
…whore
Literally the exact same, EXCEPT for a little bit of dialogue. Veronica says on the phone
that she couldn’t choose which ‘hot gentlemen’ she wanted to be with, and invites Kurt
and Ram to the cemetery, they take off their shirts to reveal crop tops)
After JD kills the jocks, she yells: WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE??????
****ACT 2****
‘Teen-angst bullcrap’
Quite a few lyric changes in Dead Gay Son- probably just improvements/revisions in
general.
Pre-Seventeen
‘And when does it end?’ ‘IT DOESN’T!’ instead of ‘when every asshole is dead’
No substitute for “fuck me gently with a chainsaw” (just a sharp gasp, then Heather goes
straight to ‘Nancy Drew is onto you, Veronica)
V says to Martha: He didn’t love you- he sucked. He’s dead. MOVE ON!
Kurt: awww
ghosts!
Shine a Light-
All the same except for ‘I faked it every time’. Couldn't decipher what they replaced it
with.
When Veronica and Mac are on the ground together, Mac says: ‘Suicide’s kinda a private
thing!’
BBD says: ‘I was playing kissyface with my girlfriend’ instead of ‘grab-ass’
‘This’ll go well with a brewski’ instead of the drawstring pants bit.
Meant To Be Yours
Our destruction may finally get through to you (‘destruction’ instead of ‘burned bodies’)
From there on out, it’s pretty much the exact same as the original, except:
Seventeen (Reprise)
Let’s go be seventeen, take off our shoes and dance (‘shoes’ instead of ‘clothes’)