Challenging/ Confrontation Skills

Challenges focus on discrepant, inconsistent and mixed messages that counselors perceive that clients
send.We often think of confrontation as a
hostile and aggressive act. In counseling and therapy, confrontation is
usually a far more gentle process in which, we point out to the client's discrepancies between or among
attitudes, thoughts, or behaviors. In a confrontation, individuals are faced directly with the
fact that they may be saying other than what they mean, or doing other than what they say.
`Put most simply, challenge is an invitation to examine internal or external behavior that seems to
be self defeating, harmful to others, or both and to change that behavior' (Egan, 1994, p. 158). `Egan's
observation consists of two parts: first, developing new perspectives; second, translating these new
perspectives into action. Before you confront someone you want to make sure the relationship is
strong and
able to withstand the challenge of the confrontation

Challenging Skills
� Challenging clients to speak for themselves
� Challenging mixed messages
Challenging possible distortions of reality
�Not acknowledging choice
�Reframing

Challenging Clients to Speak for Themselves

� By failing to send `I' messages, clients may distance themselves from their feelings, thoughts and
actions.
� Owning a feeling
Clients `non-I' message: `He is impossible when he behaves like that.'
Client's `I' message: `I feel hurt and frustrated at his behavior.'
Frequently clients require help in speaking for themselves. Ways in which clients avoid speaki
ng for themselves include
making statements starting with words like `you', `people', `we', and `it'.
�Owning a Thought
Client's 'non-I' message: `What do you think about women serving in the forces in combat
roles?'
Client's `I' message: `I think women should/should not serve in the forces in combat roles.'
�Owning an Action
Clients' non- I message: `The car crashed into the garage door.'
Client's `I' message: `I crashed the car into the garage door.'
Sometimes clients avoid sending I messages by asking questions, in the
hope that they can agree with the answer.

Encouraging Clients to Send `I' Messages

Respond as though clients send `I' messages. You can respond to clients in ways that use the word 'you
' as though they had sent an `I' message, even when they have not. For instance, if a client says: He
is impossible when he behaves like that', you might respond with 'You feel hurt and frustrated
at his behaviour.' Your response implicitly challenges the client to express feelings directly.
� Request that clients send `I' messages. If clients fail to send 'I' messages consider openly drawing
this to their attention. 'You're asking me what
I think about women in combat roles, but I get the impression you
have your own ideas on this matter.' Even more direct is to ask clients: 'Please use the word "I"
when you
wish to own a feeling, thought or action.' Where appropriate, you can educate clients to the distinction
between `I' messages and 'non-I' messages.
� Demonstrate sending `I' messages.
If you are open
in your own behaviour and use I messages to own your feelings, thoughts and behaviour,your example
may help clients to do likewise.
Challenging Mixed Messages
�Discrepancy between verbal,voice and body messages. `On
the one hand you say that you are nervous, but you smile.'
�Discrepancy within verbal messages. Voice and body messages. Discrepancy within verbal message
s.
`You say you are doing poorly, but report being in the top 25 per cent of your class.
Discrepancy between words and actions. `You say you are a very committed person, but you take so
many days off your work.'
�Discrepancy between past and present statements. `You now say you hate her, but about
ten minutes ago
you were saying how much you loved her.'
�Counselors can also explore
the consequences of clients sending mixed messages in their relationships
outside of counselling.
Example: "You have said you want
to change this behavior but it seems you keep doing it over and over
again. Help me to understand what is going on and how repeating this pattern is helpful to you."

Challenging Possible Distortions of Reality

� Clients may have unrealistic perceptions that can harm rather than help them.
Sometimes counselors need either to challenge such perceptions directly or to assist clients to test the
reality
of their own perceptions.
Example:
`They are all out to get me.'
`I have no friends.'
`I'm a terrible mother.'
`I'm not good with women (or men).'
`She (or he) doesn't love me any more.'
� Reasons of such distortions
1. Clients often jump co conclusions on insufficient evidence ('I have no
friends'), and use black and white
thinking (`Either I'm perfect or no good at
all'). They may also fail to own responsibility for their thoughts,
feelings and actions (`They made me do it'). Use your judgment about whether to continue
listening within
their internal viewpoints or to challenge their possible distortions of reality.
2. With the questions `Where's the evidence?' and 'Is there any other way of looking at that?' you invite
speakers to produce their own evidence or provide different perceptions to confirm or negate their vers
ion
of reality. On other occasions you may suggest some evidence from your external viewpoint

Challenging Not Acknowledging Choice

� Lifeskills counseling heavily emphasizes personal responsibility. One way to do this is
to highlight their choice processes.
� Counselor can confront clients with their role as choosers in their lives.
Another example is that of Shaista, aged 37, who says of her father: 'I resent having to visit him every
weekend.' Here the counselor responds by both reflecting her resentment and challenging her seeming
failure to assume responsibility for being a chooser: 'You feel resentful, but I wonder whether you
sufficiently acknowledge that you choose to visit him every weekend.'
� If a client says `I can't do that', the counselor may ask 'Can you say "I won't do that?"

Challenging by Reframing
� Counselors may also challenge clients' existing perceptions by offering new perspectives. Though t
he
facts may remain the same, the picture may look different in a new frame.
� 'Sometimes a skillful counselor can change the way a client perceives events or situations by "refra
ming"
the picture which the client has described'
� `Reframing consists of seeing these negative qualities in a different light' (Beck, 1988, p. 267)
Case Example:
Zeeshan, 16, perceived his mother as disliking him because she was always nagging him about doing
household chores. The counselor acknowledged his anger, but offered the reframe that his mother was
a
single parent who had to go to work to support the family and got very tired because she had more on
her
plate than she could handle. When she felt exhausted, she became irritable.
In the above example, `the nagging mother who dislikes me' gets reframed as 'the overtired and
overwhelmed single parent'.

How to Challenge?
� Start with reflecting
Always start your response by
showing that you have heard and understood clients' messages. Then build
on this
understanding with your challenging response. This way you are more likely to keep clients' ears
open to your viewpoint.
� Where possible, help clients to challenge themselves.
Assisting clients in self
challenging often leads to less resistance than directly challenging them from your external viewpoint.
� Do not talk down
Keep your challenges at a democratic level.
� Use a minimum amount of 'muscle'
Only challenge as strongly as your goal requires. Strong challenges can create resistances.
� Avoid threatening voice and body messages
Try to avoid threatening voice and body messages -
raising your voice and pointing your finger are extreme examples
Leave the ultimate responsibility with clients
Allow clients to decide whether your challenges actually help them
to move forward in their explorations.
� Do not overdo it
No one likes being persistently challenged. With constant challenges you create an unsafe emotional cl
imate.
An overly confronting counselor can retard client growth, as can an overly cautious therapist. Intention
al counseling requires a careful balance of confrontation with supporting qualities of
warmth, positive regard, and respect. The empathic therapist is one who can maintain a balance, a
''push-pull," of confrontation and support by utilizing a wide variety of counseling skills and theories.