Hugo, Mariyela Mari G.

| Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

“Another Set of Wings”

She told herself that she would start afresh in this new environment, that she would

be better than what she was for the past two years but I guess her definition of better

wasn’t set clearly.

You see, she didn’t always fit the perfect student cookie-cutter mold. She started

her college life in UP as a pharmacy student. Don’t get her wrong, she loved being an

iska, she loved her friends, but she didn’t love her program. That took its toll on her

grades, on her performance, which affected her personal relationships and how people

saw her. She was distraught, and before she knew it, she was already digging up a grave

of a corpse who got scarred physically, emotionally, and mentally.

“Have you ever had this feeling? You know, you’re alive and your heart beats every

single day but you feel dead?”

I wasn’t really sure how I would answer Bella’s question. I don’t even know if she’s

expecting an answer at all.

“Have you ever felt that, Jesse? I’m actually excited to die. But don’t fuss, it just

crossed my mind. You don’t have to be concerned or anything. Where do you want to

have lunch? We have two hours and I still have to finish a presentation for Prof. Ventura’s

class.”

“Let’s go to Jollibee. I know it’s your favorite.”

“You know me well, Jesse.”

The truth is I really don’t. It’s like this cliché line used by grade-schoolers – “you

know my name, not my story”.

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

We met in a group chat before she transferred to FEU. She barely even remembers

it but I do. We never had classes together during our first year. I always liked her tweets

and said hello whenever I see her in the hallway but other than that, I know she doesn’t

remember anything.

“I feel tired today. I had eight hours of sleep last night but as soon as I opened my

eyes I felt like I haven’t slept in two days.”

She always does this – complaining about how tired she is while munching on

some Jolly fries or a YumBurger.

“Do you want to talk about it?”, I asked.

“Nah, I’m good, though. I guess I’m just too tired to even think or explain how I

feel.”

“You could always talk to me, you know, friend to friend?”

“No, no. I don’t want to cause any burden and be dramatic. Also, my hands are

always full lately. I have this presentation under Ventura’s class, a special project under

Alonzo, and I have to finish my field study books under Prof. Lim and Ma’am Macario.

Oh, and I have council duties on top of that.”

“Well, if that’s what you want. But I’m always here – “

“Yeah.”

It’s funny how this loud, extroverted over-achiever is always by herself.

“Have you ever been to Beyond Coffee?” I asked Bella.

“No, never.”

“Why?”

“I have no one to go with.”

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

“I’m always here. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know. But like I said I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to disturb

your daily routine.”

Sometimes I wonder how on earth I ended up hanging out with her but when I think

about it, it all boils down to one memory.

We had two classes together during our second year. She was an irregular student

in our class which was mostly composed of SPED majors so I assumed she didn’t know

that much people. We were seated at the opposite ends of the front row because of our

surnames – Antonio and Hizon. You know, the professors who always organized the

seating chart by surname. But because we’re such obedient students, we always

transferred to the back after attendance check. She always chose the back row middle

aisle seat and fidgets with her phone for the whole period. She’s the type of student that

would still get an A even when she doesn’t listen to the discussion. I, on the other hand,

always brought my textbook along with a yellow highlighter.

“Do you think I should run again?”

“Well, it’s up to you. You promised, though.”

“I know, I know. I promised myself that I would never, ever, ever run again for the

elections. But it’s kind of fun. And I think the seniors would probably be disappointed if I

don’t run again. I have to make a decision by five o’clock.”

She’s that jolly ball of sunshine that would spontaneously butt into the class

reporter’s discussion. And I, being the other lonely soul at the back talked to her at times.

We had conversations on the most random things – shopping at Landers, emotional

instability, real-life stalkers, dogs, and corporate clothes.

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

“I’m done. Are you going to eat your fries, Jesse?”

“No, go ahead. Jollibee’s tuna pie and fries really don’t match.”

“Okay, I’ll finish this in a bit and let’s go back inside the campus.”

She’s a great pal to have lunch with especially if you’re that type of person who

enjoys chewing and nodding at the same time.

“Thanks a lot for having lunch with me. It feels nice – “

“Mhmmm.”

“– okay, great to have someone to eat with.”

And before I could even answer Bella was already gone with the wind. She’s

always booked, honestly. Whenever I invite her to those unicorn-themed-cafés, pet-

friendly coffee shops, and Maldives-like resorts, she always has another event or meeting

to attend. She comes and she goes.

My phone vibrates, it’s her.

“I’m going home late. Don’t wait for me.”

Wow, that’s new. This girl knows how to text now.

I’m going to run for the elections again, Jesse. I’m feeling pretty good about myself

this year. You’d probably kick my ass if you see me because I promised you and myself

that I won’t be running again but I think I’m going to be great.

Now how am I supposed to reply to this?

“I know you’d be great. I just hope that you really are ready. It’s going to be harder

this year”, I replied.

She really is great. There is no doubt about that. She’s the perfect definition of a

model student. Good grades, responsible, a leader in every aspect, part of the student

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

council, and can easily present herself with confidence in front of others. That’s why she’s

always busy and always complaining that she’s tired.

“Are you done with training?” I texted.

As expected, she didn’t text back. She’s probably too busy to even look at her

phone. I know she told me to head home first but I love that girl though she doesn’t even

know I do and I’m pretty sure she won’t believe me if I told her that I cared for her.

My last class ended at 7:00 pm. There’s only a few hours left before the school is

cleared by nine o’clock. I went to the Arts Building to check on their training but before I

could even plaster a smile on my face, I saw her. Hours ago she was the jolly, respectful,

and self-contained girl that everyone knows but now, her face was red, she looked furious

and was about to burst. I’ve never seen her like that but one thing’s for sure, someone

succeeded in digging up the grave of that corpse.

“Why did you walk out of the session?” Lucey, their trainer, asked calmly.

“Because I was mad,” she answered, holding back her anger.

“No, tell me the truth. If you were just mad you wouldn’t have reacted like that.”

“You want the truth? Fine!”

Well, shit, the gates of hell are about to open. Seeing her act like this reminds me

to never push that button. Here, I thought, here comes the devil in all her glory. Jolly little

shit no more.

I stopped a few meters away, just enough to hear a thing or two, but not visible

enough to be seen. A few tensed moments passed before I heard her.

“All you ever think about is yourself! All you’re saying is that you’re playing the

devil’s advocate but guess what? I am the devil! You’re telling me you’re doing this to

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

build us up but look what you’ve done! You’ve destroyed yourself and you’ve destroyed

us in the process.”

I closed my eyes, not wanting to imagine how she probably looks like now. I chose

to leave in the middle of their heated argument. I figured I’d just comfort her when

opportunity presents itself.

I went to the comfort room to do my usual routine. I splashed water on my face

and I had to grit my teeth to prevent myself from shivering. I looked up and stared at my

reflection in the mirror. There, stood a sinister version of me, cold dark eyes, permanent

frown, and a shell that is devoid of any signs of life. I sneered at my reflection, asking

myself what would other people think if they see this part of me. Not that their opinion

matters.

I found her sitting on one of the benches in front of our building. I cautiously

approached her and sat beside her.

Silence prevailed.

“Do you feel better?” a dull voice asked; mine. She nodded, still sniffling. I let out a

long sigh.

“Was it worth it? All your pain? All the sleepless nights? All the suffocating

thoughts? Were they worth it?” My voice got louder and louder with every word.

“They are, Jesse! They are!”

She turned to look at me, her voice laced with desperation. Her eyes, broken. They

looked at me pleadingly, begging me to understand her.

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

“Please, please, and please, for fuck’s sake, Bella, think about yourself just this

once!” my earlier frustration is setting back in. I clenched my fist. I hate this feeling. I don’t

like feeling helpless, but help me God if I can’t help her.

“Jesse, please, why can’t you understand? I want this, okay? I WANT THIS! Let

me do this.” her voice broke. “I’m sorry for dumping all of these on you. I’m sorry for being

a shitty friend but you have to understand why I have to do this.” she grasped my arm,

her nails digging into my flesh.

A smirk formed on my lips. Can I ever stop her from doing anything? No.

Frustrating.

“You know I’ll support you all throughout your journey, but I can’t bear seeing you

like this. You need a break. What can I do to make you, I don’t know, think about yourself

for once?” I let out a sigh. “I just don’t understand how you can always least prioritize

yourself. You don’t have to tell me this and that but oh my God. Do yourself a favor and

know when to give in!” the desperation in my voice matched hers.

She looked at me straight in the eyes; I saw absolute defiance.

“I appreciate you for always looking out for me. However, you need to understand

that this is for me, this is my purpose in life. To serve and to not to expect anything in

return. To be the guiding light in some people’s journey.” There was a pause, “I know you

meant well. I know what you’re trying to do and I’m grateful for it, but I will not take your

advice this time.” The last part was barely audible but it hit me hard.

I bit my lower lip to prevent myself from saying anything foolish.

I closed my eyes.

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

This is what it feels like to be defeated in a battle that is not even yours to begin

with. Clichéd, but I can actually feel myself tearing up. She knows. She knows I gave in.

“I trust you. I trust you and I love you. I’m sorry if I’m the pessimist friend. Whatever

you do, I hope you’re happy.” I suddenly felt exhausted. I checked the time on my watch;

9:14 PM. “I know you’re not alone but you feel alone. I know I’m an asshole compared to

your other friends, but I think we had our moments. Moments wherein we can both proudly

admit we enjoyed. Now, remember three things, I’ll always be around for you, I’ll always

listen, I’ll always care even when it doesn’t feel like it.” I blinked back the tears I’ve been

holding.

She nodded and let out a sigh of relief. I stood up and she did the same. I reached

for her and hugged her tightly, and murmured “Go now. Go and eat. I know food makes

you feel better. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Jesse.” She freed herself out of my grasp, “Thank you.” She said

again. I just smiled and nodded. Nothing more was needed to be said. We looked at one

another a minute before she finally started walking towards the university gate. I watched

as her silhouette got smaller and smaller.

It was dark. I felt lost once again without her beside me. I didn’t know if she was

ever lost, but I felt better when I knew we can be lost together. She was right, she was

some people’s light, she was mine.

Frustrated of how things turned out today, I let out a long agonized sigh as I

walked to the gate of the campus. Come to think of it, she was going through a lot of

things but she has this easy-going smile on her face which will make you question the

validity of her problems.

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

The freedom park was dimly lit as I reached the place where their afternoon

meeting was usually held. A small smile played on my lips as I made my way to the

benches in front of the chapel. I felt relieved the moment I sat down on the cold tiled box.

The night was quiet. There was no single star in the sky tonight, and it somehow

made me feel lonelier than ever.

I admired her. She knew her purpose in life. She fought for what she believes in.

She got this strong façade that always seemed to fit such tortured soul.

I stood up.

What is she going to do once she gets exhausted beyond her limit?

I walked slowly to the gate, passing in front of the Annex Building.

Who is going to be there for her?

I looked down on the tile-patterned concrete leading to the exit.

Will I ever be like her?

I reached for my phone and started typing:

Hey, sorry for texting you minutes after our talk. Hahaha. I’m going to have to admit

that I get clingy sometimes, too. Get out of your dorm and look up at the sky. No stars

tonight. I’m wondering if the sky gets lonely without the company of the stars. I don’t know

my purpose here, so I’ve decided to become a star. I know only kind people become

stars, so I don’t know yet if you’ll see me during the night. I trust your geeky side though,

all you have to do is to check if a new star was born. Hahahaha. Take care always, alright?

Please, take my advice on this one, know who to trust.

P.S.

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Hugo, Mariyela Mari G. | Eng5N-Edu | Sir Miel Ondevilla | May 12, 2017

I’m sorry you won’t get to see me tomorrow, but at least you can find me in the sky

every night. :-)

I hit send and went out of the campus gate.

I smiled, knowing I have finally found my purpose in life.

I put my headphones on, Gone So Young by Amber Pacific plays.

I waited for the traffic light to turn red.

I checked the time, it was 9:57 pm.

Then, I saw her on the other side of the road, standing in front of Jollibee, holding

a bag of fries and peach mango pies.

I knew that it was going to be an endless night.

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