LETTING GO

of DIFFICULT EMOTIONS
Release Anger, Resentment, Frustration,
Anxiety, and Self-Judgment

by Lori Deschene
Founder of Tiny Buddha
Letting Go of Difficult Emotions

Release Anger, Resentment, Frustration,

Anxiety, and Self-Judgment

by Lori Deschene, Founder of Tiny Buddha

and Co-Founder of the Recreate Your Life Story eCourse

 ®

Copyright © 2015 Lori Deschene

All Rights Reserved
 Table of Contents

Introduction ~ 4

Letting go of anger ~ 8

Letting go of resentment ~ 17

Letting go of frustration ~ 26

Letting go of anxiety ~ 34

Letting go of self-judgment ~ 41

What Next? ~ 49

About the author ~ 51

Get more Tiny Buddha ~ 53

 Introduction

Just get over it. That’s what I heard every time someone told me to “let it go” when I

was growing up.

I felt this was incredibly insensitive—that someone who clearly didn’t understand

the depth of my pain would suggest that moving beyond it was as simple as “letting

it go.”

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As if “letting it go” was an easy, one-time decision, like pulling off a Band-Aid! As if I

just needed to decide to vacuum up all the hurt within my head and my heart and

toss the bag in the trash, allowing myself to bask in the bliss of a clean mental space.

“Let it go” seemed like advice from the disinterested and lazy. If they really

cared, they would have listened, empathized, and realized how complex and

overwhelming the situation really was.

I had to dwell on it, complain about it, and analyze it ad nauseam. It was just that

bad. And anyone who cared about me would know better than to try to minimize it.

I’ve since realized that I was right in two regards. For one, empathy can make a huge

difference, since everything feels more bearable when we sense others truly

understand. And secondly, some people were disinterested.

But it wasn’t always because they didn’t care. Sometimes they just couldn’t listen

anymore, and in some cases, they knew it wasn’t helping.

Cruel though it may have seemed back then, refusing to listen to a repetitive

negative story can actually be an act of kindness.

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Dwelling, complaining, and analyzing rarely help. Sure, we need to acknowledge and

work through our feelings. But obsessing about them is a surefire way to stay

miserable and stuck.

It turns out “let it go” can be pretty helpful advice. The question is how.

How do you let go of anger when your first thought in the morning, the last one at

night, and the majority of the ones in between revolve around how you were hurt?

How do you let go of resentment when it feels like you’ll never be able to change the

things that you resent?

How do you let go of frustration when you feel stuck, stagnant, and completely

powerless to change it?

How do you let go of worries when even the thought of letting them go fills you with

worry?

And how do you let go of your disappointment with yourself when you try your best

to “just let it go” and continually struggle to do it?

Letting go is such an abstract concept. What can we do—or not do—to put it

into practice, and effectively?

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I’ve devoted much of the last decade to studying the art of letting go. In this time,

I’ve learned a few things that help with all disempowering emotions and a few

things to address some of the specific ones that are the most difficult to release.

In this eBook, I’ve tackled them one by one, addressing how to let go of:

• Anger

• Resentment

• Frustration

• Anxiety

• Self-Judgment

Each section offers a few simple things you can do to release the feelings, come back

to the present moment, and find a sense of peace.

You may choose to read this from start to finish, or you may prefer to read each of

the sections at times when you’re struggling with those specific emotions.

I hope this is helpful to you—and I hope Tiny Buddha has helped you, as well!

Photo by Hartwig HKD

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 Letting Go of Anger

Growing up, I carried rage deep inside, directed toward people who had hurt me. It

was most often simmering, sometimes boiling, but always limiting and defining me,

without me even realizing it.

This anger affected how often I let little things annoy me because even a minor

aggravation could trigger my feelings about the massive list of injustices I felt I’d

endured.

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Over the years, I’ve learned that anger, in all its forms, has both purpose and

benefits.

Our anger gives us insight into ourselves, if we’re willing to do the work to

understand why we feel what we feel.

It also helps us improve our relationships—if we’re able to express why we’re upset

and, in doing so, better set boundaries and meet our needs. Equally important, it

helps us ascertain which relationships simply do not serve us.

But anger can only help us if we’re willing to work through it and then move

beyond it, which is far more easily said than done.

How do you let go of anger when you haven’t gotten an apology or a sense of

closure, and maybe never will?

How do you let go of anger when the things you’re angry about keep happening and

nothing you say or do changes the situation?

The key to releasing difficult feelings, I’ve learned, is to first accept three

things:

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-Feeling difficult feelings isn’t the problem. The problem is thinking we shouldn’t

feel them and then causing ourselves more pain by feeling more feelings about our

feelings.

-We can’t always control our feelings, but we can control what we do with

them. We can either stew in them and get ourselves stuck, or we can learn from

them and do something proactive.

-Letting go is not a one-time decision. It’s something we may need to do

repeatedly. But the more we practice, the easier it becomes to come back to the

present moment.

That’s what it means to let go of anger. It’s not about never feeling angry again.

It’s about taking power back from anger so we can use it to improve our

relationships, our lives, and ourselves. In this way, our anger can work for us, not

against us.

How, exactly, do we do that?

FIRST, LET YOURSELF FULLY FEEL YOUR ANGER—THEN EXPLORE IT

What story have you been telling yourself about the event(s) that upset you? What

are the beliefs underneath your anger?

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Do you believe you’ve been victimized? Do you believe that someone else was in the

wrong and is now “getting away with it”?

The event itself is not the cause of your anger. The cause of your anger is your story

about it—what you believe the event means.

Get clear on what exactly you’ve been dwelling on or rehashing, and recognize

which parts of this story are facts and which parts are assumptions,

interpretations, and conclusions.

Then, change your story.

Instead of telling yourself that you’ve been victimized, tell yourself you’ll use this

experience to grow as a person.

Instead of telling yourself this person is “getting away with it,” recognize that hurt

people, hurt people; this means they’re likely dealing with their own pain, and in no

way have “won” at your expense.

From there, take a look at your projections. Are you angry with someone for

doing something that you’ve done many times before? If so, seeing a behavior

of your own that you’re ashamed of may be magnifying your feelings.

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If this is the case, it’s not only your beliefs about the other person and the event(s)

that contribute to your anger, but also your subconscious story about yourself.

If you believe the other person is selfish and needy—and you also believe that you

are—unravel that story about yourself, and then rewrite it.

You’re not selfish; you’re human. It’s natural to focus on your needs if they’re not

being met. And you’re not needy; you’ve just been hurt, and you’ve been looking for

others to take away your pain because you haven’t been sure how to do it for

yourself.

In changing the story about yourself, you’ll change your response to your

projections, because in offering yourself compassion, you’ll then be able to offer it to

another.

Lastly, look at the fears underneath your anger. Are you telling yourself a

story about things that “always happen to you” and, therefore, creating

anxiety about the potential for similar things to happen in the future?

Does your story center on something that someone “took away from you” and your

fear that they’ve permanently disabled you because of what you’ve lost?

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Change those stories so that this one event doesn’t represent some type of

persistent cycle but rather an isolated experience that doesn’t have to repeat itself.

And it doesn’t mean you’ve lost something that will permanently hinder you, but

rather you’ve experienced something tough that you will eventually overcome.

Once you understand your story—your beliefs, projections, and fears—you

can then strip away everything that disempowers you and pull yourself out

from underneath the emotional layers covering the facts.

Of course, this won’t be easy, and it might take time. Accept that—much like how

difficult feelings are inevitable—a little difficulty with this process is inevitable, as

well. So long as you’re taking a look at your stories, you’re doing exactly what you

need to do to let go of this anger.

FROM THERE, IDENTIFY WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL

You can’t control what someone else says or does. You can only control what you say

or do.

So, before you do anything, take an inventory of your expectations. What’s the story

you’re telling yourself about what needs to happen for you to move beyond your

feelings? Can you change the story to focus on what you’ll do, and what you can

learn to make this event seem somehow useful?

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If you continually tell yourself that you’ll be angry until you get an apology,

you will likely feel angry whenever you think about the apology you didn’t

receive because you will have ingrained a new belief.

Tell yourself a different, more empowering story that focuses on your action, not the

outcome.

For example: “I am going to express myself without judging or getting overly

emotional; I’m going to end the conversation if it becomes unconstructive; and I’m

going to be proud of myself for reacting in such a healthy way. I may not get an

apology, but even if I don’t, I will learn from this experience how to set and maintain

healthier boundaries going forward.”

If you focus on your actions, insights, and lessons, you will take power away from

the event and person that hurt you.

LASTLY, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ACTING ON LESSONS LEARNED

If your anger is teaching you that a relationship is unhealthy, and repeated attempts

to change it aren’t working, then you have two choices: stay and continue to ignore

your emotional cues or walk away.

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If your anger is teaching you that you need to establish boundaries, take the time to

set and actively maintain them.

If your anger is teaching you that you need to better express your needs, clarify and

communicate them.

Even if someone else did something that hurt you, there is something proactive you

can do to learn from and respond to your feelings.

This doesn’t mean you can control what happens once you make a proactive choice;

it just means you’ve chosen to empower yourself so that no matter what someone

else chooses to do, you can always ask yourself, “How can I act on what I’ve learned

to respond to this wisely?”

When you continually identify lessons and act on them, you reinforce that you are

not helpless, which goes a long way in minimizing difficult feelings.

I spent almost a decade suffocating under the weight of a story about how I’d been

hurt. I now live in the story of how it made me stronger—and I’ve learned from that

experience to continually focus on lessons learned and what I can do with them.

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Doing this doesn’t eliminate anger, since we are, after all, only human; it does,

however, make it easier to let it go more quickly each time it arises.

Photo by Brian Jeffery Beggerly

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 Letting Go of Resentment

Everyone has a story about resentment.

Maybe you resent someone for something they did (or regularly still do) that you

believe messed up your life.

Maybe you resent someone for something they didn’t do (or regularly fail to do) that

could have improved your life.

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Or maybe you resent someone for something you did (or didn’t do), but because it’s

easier to blame them, you’ve focused your emotions in their direction.

In my experience, these three resentments often mesh together.

For years, I resented someone who had been controlling, manipulative, and

abusive. I also resented people who I felt could have helped me but never

tried.

But underneath this finger pointing, there was a dull awareness that I felt stuck, not

just because of what others had or hadn’t done, but because I’d chosen for so long to

give my power away.

In many cases, I made a tough situation worse by reacting emotionally and

ineffectively.

When I finally removed myself from this unhealthy relationship in which I’d

formerly felt stuck, I still felt overwhelmed by resentment when, ironically, my

overwhelming feelings were now responsible for my paralysis.

Your situation may be different from mine in that you might still be enmeshed in a

situation that leads you to feel resentful.

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Whatever the case may be, you can free yourself from the pain of resentment

by acknowledging it, taking responsibility for your part in it, being proactive

in responding to it, and changing your story about it.

This section will explore how to do that.

But first, to recap from the first section on anger…

The key to releasing difficult feelings is to first accept three things:

-Feeling difficult feelings isn’t the problem. The problem is thinking we shouldn’t

feel them and then causing ourselves more pain by feeling more feelings about our

feelings.

-We can’t always control our feelings, but we can control what we do with

them. We can either stew in them and get ourselves stuck, or learn from them and

do something proactive.

-Letting go is not a one-time decision. It’s something we may need to do

repeatedly. But the more we practice, the easier it becomes to come back to the

present moment.

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That’s what it means to let go of resentment. It’s not about never feeling resentful

again.

It’s about taking power back from resentment so we can use it to improve our

relationships, our lives, and ourselves. In this way, our resentment can work for us,

not against us.

How, exactly, do we do that?

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR RESENTMENT

You may think it’s “wrong” to resent this person, particularly if you’re feeling

complex emotions that you don’t fully understand.

Perhaps this person isn’t mean-spirited, but they repeatedly cross boundaries. Or

maybe you feel like you should be more tolerant, understanding, or compassionate,

but that doesn’t change that you dislike the position you’re in.

If you’re telling yourself a story about being positive, kind, and otherwise a good

person—effectively denying your resentment—you’re going to accomplish very

little other than keep yourself stuck.

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Start by acknowledging how you feel. Then, identify what you believe to be the

cause. Don’t concern yourself about whether you’re right, or if you have a valid

point, or if others would agree with you.

Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t feel this way or that you should just forgive and

move on. Let yourself feel exactly what you feel, then pinpoint why you think you

feel it.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART IN IT

Often when we feel resentment, it’s because we’re in an uncomfortable situation and

we know we have to do something that we would rather not do.

Perhaps someone repeatedly asks for more than you can give, and since you don’t

want to say no (and risk feeling like a bad person), you resent them for putting you

in this position.

Maybe you resent someone who continually fails to meet your expectations, but you

never told them what those were. Or, you told them but then willingly maintained a

relationship with someone who’s repeatedly ignored your requests.

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Or maybe someone often crosses your boundaries, but it’s largely because you’ve

felt too afraid or uncomfortable to clearly communicate them. Or, once again,

because you’ve tolerated a relationship where boundaries are frequently

disrespected.

A Tiny Buddha contributor once shared how she resented a date for trying to get

physical with her because she wasn’t interested in that, but she wasn’t able to

communicate it. Her resentment wasn’t actually about his advance; it was about her

not wanting to deal with the discomfort of addressing it.

Take a close look at the behavior or words that you resent. Then ask yourself, “Has

this situation resulted or intensified because of something I’ve failed to say or do?”

BE PROACTIVE IN RESPONDING

Once you’ve peeled away the layers of resistance and self-judgment and identified

your role (if any), the next step is to act on what you’ve learned.

Until you empower yourself, you will feel powerless, which will further fuel the

resentment.

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This isn’t easy to do. You may find yourself thinking, “I wouldn’t have to___________ if

she would just______________.” Or, I shouldn’t have to______________ because he should

have________________.”

Those blanks are what stand between you and peace of mind. Focusing on what

someone else should or shouldn’t have done keeps you stuck because it’s irrelevant

now.

All that matters right now is what you choose to do with what you’ve learned from

this emotion.

Once you’ve taken responsibility for addressing the root cause, you will likely feel an

immense sense of relief, because you will no longer feel helpless in the face of

something that’s hurting you.

CHANGE YOUR STORY

If you resent someone for something they’ve done in the past, you can still take

responsibility for your role in it and learn something from the experience that will

help you going forward.

Resentment forms when we feel that we’ve been the victims of some injustice.

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The key to releasing resentment, then, is to free ourselves from the feeling of having

been victimized.

To do this, shift from focusing on what you’ve lost to what you’ve gained.

Are you telling yourself a story about someone else who was harshly critical and

judgmental? Change the story you’re telling yourself about that criticism.

Maybe you gained insight that could help you improve in the future, or you

recognized that they hit a nerve because you judge yourself harshly—and this could

help you overcome that.

Or perhaps this experience has done nothing but help you develop a thicker skin.

Still, this will ultimately help you be happier in a world where people aren’t always

kind.

Are you telling yourself a story about someone who you believe held you back in

life? Change the story by considering that you’re right where you need to be.

Maybe everything that’s led you to where you are now has prepared you for

something you don’t yet know you’re going to do—some way you’ll help other

people or make a difference in the world, not in spite of your challenges but because

of them.

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Arguably, Tiny Buddha would not exist if not for some pretty strong resentments

from my past.

You may not yet be able to see how this experience will enrich you, but trust (or at

least consider) that it will. And if you can pinpoint one specific way it could—

something positive you could do with this experience—do something small today to

act on that impulse.

If you can break down the story, strip away the disempowering meaning, and maybe

even start building on a new, inspiring one, it will be much easier to let go of your

resentment.

Doing this doesn’t completely eliminate resentment, since we are, after all, only

human; it does, however, make it easier to let it go more quickly each time it arises.

Photo by Hafiz Issadeen

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 Letting Go of Frustration

It feels like being stuck, and powerless, and out of control.

You want to change something, but it seems like you can’t.

And it’s not necessarily that you haven’t made an effort. Maybe you’ve tried and

failed and tried and failed, and you’re not sure you can do it anymore.

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It’s exhausting when nothing seems to work. It’s infuriating when you give it your

best, but your best just doesn’t seem good enough.

It’s even worse when it feels like other people and things are standing in your

way. You could do it—if only things would change, or someone would change,

or the world would change.

It’s all so mind-numbingly frustrating.

At this point, most of us make one of two choices. We either plow full force ahead at

obstacles that don’t seem to move, which ultimately leaves us feeling helpless; or,

we conclude that it’s just not worth trying and do nothing, which also leaves us

feeling helpless.

When I had no money, no job prospects, no friends, and no confidence, it seemed

that no matter what I did, I wasn’t making progress. I’d exhaust my energy, feel I had

nothing to show for it, and then conclude it was better to give up.

I assumed I had no choice; I’d always feel stuck, powerless, and out of control.

But I’ve since learned there is another way.

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If we choose to stop reacting to frustration, we can instead respond to it wisely and

proactively so we can learn from it, move through it, and let it go.

This section will explore how to do that.

But first, to recap from the previous sections…

The key to releasing difficult feelings is to first accept three things:

-Feeling difficult feelings isn’t the problem. The problem is thinking we shouldn’t

feel them and then causing ourselves more pain by feeling more feelings about our

feelings.

-We can’t always control our feelings, but we can control what we do with

them. We can either stew in them and get ourselves stuck, or learn from them and

do something proactive.

-Letting go is not a one-time decision. It’s something we may need to do

repeatedly. But the more we practice, the easier it becomes to come back to the

present moment.

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That’s what it means to let go of frustration. It’s not about never feeling frustrated

again. It’s about taking power back from frustration so we can use it to improve our

lives and ourselves. In this way, our frustration can work for us, not against us.

How, exactly, do we do that?

FIRST, CHANGE YOUR STORY ABOUT HOW THINGS SHOULD BE

Frustration results from unmet expectations. It’s when you’ve told yourself a story

about how things should be, but the reality is nothing like it.

If you feel the present should look different than it does, you’ll likely conclude

there’s no value in the way it is, and this only serves to exacerbate the frustration.

But, if you can challenge this idea that you know how things should be and that

things aren’t working now, you can create some mental space to more effectively

work with the now.

In other words, when you stop seeing the present moment as something that stands

between you and where you want to be, you’re better able to accept what is and

create what can be.

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It’s not about surrendering to something you don’t want. It’s about changing the

presumption that you’re not getting what you need. Maybe you are, but you just

don’t know it.

Think about the people who inspire us the most. They’ve often created meaning,

happiness, and success, not in spite of their challenges but because of them.

They’ve felt stuck, lost, and confused, and in the process of navigating the chaos,

discovered their strengths, their priorities, or their purpose.

For example, it’s the non-profit foundation that wouldn’t exist if someone hadn’t

been sick. It’s the club that would never have formed if someone didn’t first feel

completely disconnected. It’s the satisfying relationship that never would have

developed if someone hadn’t first lost another.

Maybe your unmet plan is part of a better plan that you don’t yet know to

appreciate.

NEXT, EXPLORE YOUR FRUSTRATION

Once you’ve accepted where you are and considered there may be some value in it,

you’re then free to identify why, exactly, you felt so attached to a different story.

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You may think you’re frustrated because you need a different job. But why? Is it

because you’re trying to live up to the expectations of other people? Because you’re

comparing yourself to others? Because you think everything would be easier if you

made more money?

You may think you’re frustrated because you want to be in a relationship. But why?

Is it because you assume you’d be happier if you weren’t alone? Or you’re afraid of

how it looks that you’re alone? Or you’re afraid of what you feel when you’re alone?

It’s entirely possible that the motivation behind your wants isn’t really aligned with

your needs.

See this time of unmet expectations as an opportunity to get clear on your internal

motivations. Start with what you think you want and then ask why. And when you

answer that question, ask why again.

Keep going until you have an answer that isn’t dependent on a specific outcome but

rather a need you’re looking to meet.

For example, at the most frustrating time of my life, I felt convinced that everything

would be better if I made a lot of money (which motivated me to sign up for a get-

rich-quick scam that cost a lot to join, compromised my values, and didn’t earn me a

cent).

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When I broke that apart, it looked like this:

Why do I think I need a lot of money? Because I could do a lot more if I had more.

Why do I want to do a lot more? Because I hate how I spend my time.

Why do I hate how I spend my time? Because I’m lonely, bored, and purposeless.

Why am I lonely, bored, and purposeless? Because I isolate myself all the time.

Why do I isolate myself all the time? Because I’m scared of being rejected.

Why am I scared of being rejected? Because it may confirm that I’m not good enough.

So what is it that I really want? I want to do something fun and meaningful with my

time and, in the process, connect with other people without worrying that I’m not

good enough.

If the get-rich-quick scam had worked instantly, melting my frustration over not

getting what I thought I wanted, I may never have taken the time to discover what I

really needed and why.

After you do this…

TAKE SMALL STEPS THAT ALIGN WITH YOUR INTERNAL NEED

You don’t need to create one specific outcome to honor your deepest internal

motivation.

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You can likely meet that in any number of ways—by both working toward long-term

goals and doing small things right now.

If what you really need is to feel more purposeful, volunteer while you try to identify

or find meaningful work. If what you really need is to feel a sense of belonging, join a

club while you open yourself up to new relationships.

In this way, you won’t feel that your needs will only be met at some destination

down the line (that you may or may not reach); you’ll be proactively striving to meet

them now, even as you work toward other goals.

And each tiny step, no matter how small, will feel a lot more satisfying, because it

won’t be just another inch forward on your march toward a happy ending; it will be

a vital part of a new life story that’s far more satisfying and aligned with who you

really are.

If you can change your story about how things should be, identify why you wrote

that story in the first place, and then create a reality in which you don’t feel

powerless to meet your needs, you’ll inevitably feel better about the present.

Doing this doesn’t completely eliminate frustration, since we are, after all, only

human; it does, however, make it easier to let it go more quickly each time it arises.

Photo by Wonderlane

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 Letting Go of Anxiety

The first time I felt intense anxiety I thought I might explode through my skin. It felt

like something pulsating, then trembling, then full on quaking, deep within my core.

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t sit still. I felt overwhelmed,

beyond uncomfortable, and certain that I needed to do something—anything—to

make this terrifying sense of panic go away.

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Underneath the panic was dread—a sense that something was wrong, or might go

wrong, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

If you’ve ever felt this type of scared and unsafe, you know how difficult it can be to

not only get through it but also decide how to respond to it.

After all, anxiety itself is never the problem. It’s a problem, but mostly, it’s a

symptom of something deeper, some underlying pain.

Deep within the folds of the panic, there is a fear for the future or grief for the past

that needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

This section will explore a few ways to do just that.

But first, to recap from the previous sections…

The key to releasing difficult feelings is to first accept three things:

-Feeling difficult feelings isn’t the problem. The problem is thinking we shouldn’t

feel them and then causing ourselves more pain by feeling more feelings about our

feelings.

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-We can’t always control our feelings, but we can control what we do with

them. We can either stew in them and get ourselves stuck, or learn from them and

do something proactive.

-Letting go is not a one-time decision. It’s something we may need to do

repeatedly. But the more we practice, the easier it becomes to come back to the

present moment.

That’s what it means to let go of anxiety. It’s not about never feeling it again.

It’s about taking power back from anxiety, so we can use it to improve our lives and

ourselves. In this way, our anxiety can work for us, not against us.

How, exactly, do we do that?

PEEL AWAY THE TOP LAYER STORY

When we feel anxiety, most of us immediately think, “This feels bad, and I need to

get away from it.”

Since we feel anxiety when our fight-or-flight response is triggered by something we

think will hurt us, fleeing may seem like the best possible option.

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But unlike in the past when a threat might kill us—like a hungry lion gaining

traction behind us—we now often feel anxiety in response to events that won’t do

us any harm. And often when it’s something that’s already happened or hasn’t

happened yet.

Our bodies may tell us to run, but that will accomplish very little, since the real

threat is within. This may be incredibly difficult, but the first steps in letting go of

anxiety are to accept, observe, and sit with it.

Identify all the physical symptoms, breathe through them, and then tell yourself that

this won’t last forever. But more importantly, if you can learn from this experience,

the underlying issue won’t either.

Anxiety isn’t just an uncomfortable state that makes you feel powerless; it’s an

indication of something that needs your attention, and that’s actually something to

appreciate.

IDENTIFY THE MIDDLE LAYER STORIES

Now that you’ve stopped resisting the anxiety, you’ll be better able to get through

the most crippling part of it so you can start to create some mental clarity. The next

step is to identify your thoughts and feelings.

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Ask yourself: What do I fear has happened? What do I fear might happen? What

threat, real or perceived, am I responding to? In what way do I feel out of control?

What is the uncertainty I am facing? What else am I feeling?

My responses during one of my worst episodes of anxiety looked a little like this:

What do I fear has happened? I have irrevocably alienated everyone I care about.

What do I fear might happen? No one will love me, everyone will judge me, and I will

probably deserve it.

What threat, real or perceived, am I responding to? I am going to be alone and I will

feel ashamed for the rest of my life.

In what way do I feel out of control? I can’t take back what I did, which means I can’t

stop everything from falling apart.

What is the uncertainty I’m facing? I don’t know what other people are going to say

and do in response to what I did, and if I don’t know what they’ll say or do, I don’t

know if I can handle it.

What else am I feeling? I feel insecure, guilty, scared, and helpless.

Once you identify your thoughts and feelings, you can then get to the real issue.

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IDENTIFY THE ROOT STORY

Underneath the thoughts and feelings, there is a belief or beliefs that make you feel

stuck. There is a story you’ve been telling yourself, consciously or unconsciously,

that creates a sense of powerlessness.

That story is the real problem, of which the anxiety is a symptom.

For me, the beliefs underneath those thoughts and feelings were: I am a bad person,

other people will always have reasons to look down on me, and I will always feel

pain as a result of these truths.

Truths. That word was the problem. I believed these things were facts. These things

were the lions gaining on me. These things were the inevitability of ruin.

Of course I felt anxious when I regularly told myself I was going to hurt, and it was

my fault.

My anxiety was there to teach me that I needed to change my belief about myself, I

needed to challenge my assumptions about other people, and I needed to empower

myself instead of resigning myself to a life of inevitable pain.

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Once you identify your beliefs, you can then work to change them. You can recognize

when you’re thinking thoughts that fuel them and consciously choose to dispute

those thoughts. And you can identify new, healthier beliefs, and slowly start acting

on them. This isn’t an easy process, and it entails a whole new set of skills.

But the first and most important step is developing self-awareness so your anxiety

can actually serve you.

If you can accept and move through anxiety, examine its cause, and initiate a process

of self-discovery, you’ll be able to address the core issue to create meaningful

change in your life.

Doing this doesn’t completely eliminate anxiety, since we are, after all, only human;

it does, however, make it easier to let it go more quickly each time it arises.

Photo by Quinn Dombrowski

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 Letting Go of Self-Judgment

Anger. Resentment. Frustration. Anxiety.

Any one of these feelings, on its own, has the potential to feel paralyzing.

When you can’t forgive or forget or relax or let go, it can feel like you’re

fighting a mental war that consumes every fiber of your being.

It’s absolutely exhausting, and efforts to end it can seem futile.

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Not only do the feelings have a way of returning, like some mythical beast that

regenerates its head every time it’s cut off, they also tend to grow exponentially the

more we fight or resist them.

But it’s not just that these feelings can be intense and overwhelming. When we

find it hard to create calm and clarity, it’s often because we’re responding to

our emotions with more emotions, creating new layers of pain and suffering.

One way we often do this is through self-judgment.

Many of us know that we judge ourselves for our flaws and mistakes, but we may

not realize that we also judge ourselves for having feelings. It’s as if we believe it’s

wrong to feel anything that doesn’t seem positive.

So we tell ourselves we’re messing up or failing—that there’s something wrong with

us for struggling. And then, instead of dealing with the real issue, we get even more

stuck with depression, guilt, and shame.

We get caught in a web of self-critical thoughts, exacerbating the initial feeling

and pulling us further away from the possibility of a proactive attempt to

address it.

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How can we possibly learn from an emotion if we refuse to allow ourselves

permission and space to fully feel and explore it?

How can we hope to find a sense of relief and peace if our conclusions about

ourselves cause more stress and pain?

To let go of the self-judgment we feel when we struggle, we first need to accept

three things:

-We’re doing the best we can. If we’re having a hard time, it’s because we don’t yet

have the tools to effectively deal with whatever challenge we’re facing. After we

learn them, we need to learn to use them, and that takes time and practice.

-We’re not wrong; our expectations are. It’s human to feel, to hurt, and to

struggle. While we can grow and improve with time, it’s unfair to expect perfection

or the ability to completely transcend life’s inevitable hurts and challenges.

-Our feelings don’t mean anything about us. If we want to change our thoughts

and feelings about ourselves, we first need to challenge the assumptions,

conclusions, and beliefs underneath them.

So how exactly do we let go of self-judgment?

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REALIZE YOU’RE ASSIGNING MEANING TO EVENTS AND EMOTIONS

You’ve likely noticed a pattern in each of the previous sections: to move through any

emotion, we need to examine our stories and, in particular, the meaning we assign

to our experiences and feelings.

We tell ourselves stories all the time:

It’s wrong to feel this way because... I shouldn’t feel this way because… Because I

feel this, it must mean… I always feel this, and that means…

Or…

This shouldn’t have happened because… This is bad or unfair because… Because this

happened, it must mean… This always happens, so that must mean…

You can likely fill in the blanks with any number of interpretations you’ve given to

your emotions and experiences. It’s how we attempt to protect ourselves. We try to

make sense of what we’re going through so that we can learn from it and hopefully

avoid more pain in the future.

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But lessons formed through self-judgment are rarely empowering ones, and

ironically, looking for those lessons in an attempt to avoid future pain creates pain

in the present.

The good news is that we can minimize that pain once we realize that we’re

choosing what to think, believe, and do based not on reality but our

perception of it.

Once you’ve challenged your perception of your circumstances and yourself…

IDENTIFY ASSUMPTIONS, BELIEFS, AND CONCLUSIONS

If you’re judging yourself for struggling in some way, it’s likely about more that than

the issue itself. Odds are, you’ve known other people who’ve struggled similarly and

you didn’t judge them as harshly.

If you judge yourself more harshly than you’d judge them, it’s because you’re

carrying the added weight of your beliefs, assumptions, and conclusions.

When I was in high school, I felt angry that I’d been made to feel bad—but then I

concluded that I was bad for feeling angry. So I tried to numb my emotions through

cycles of starving, binging, and purging. I had to avoid my feelings; it was wrong to

feel them.

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In college, I felt discouraged that after years in therapy, I still struggled. I frequently

told myself that I was helpless—and then I concluded that I must be a weak person

to so frequently lose hope. So I then stopped trying altogether. I had to give up; weak

people don’t get better.

In my twenties, I felt lonely because I’d isolated myself, but then I felt pathetic for

feeling lonely. Obviously, I had no friends because I’d messed up old relationships

and wasn’t worthy of new ones. So then, I closed my mind to the potential of ever

connecting other people. I had to shut down; I clearly didn’t deserve connection.

My beliefs and interpretations guided my choices, and because the former

were disempowering, the latter were as well.

No matter how conflicting or “negative” my emotions, it wasn’t wrong to feel them.

No matter how I’d struggled with healing, that didn’t mean I couldn’t. And no matter

how overwhelming my shame, that didn’t mean I didn’t deserve love.

My thoughts only had power because I gave power to the beliefs that supported

them.

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It was only when I challenged the underlying beliefs that I was able to change the

meaning I’d given to my feelings and experiences. And it was only when I changed

those beliefs that I was able to change my choices—and accordingly, my life.

The events that have occurred, those are facts. Your feelings about those events and

yourself are based on conclusions you’ve formed about the facts.

Once you’ve challenged your assumptions, beliefs, and conclusions…

ASSIGN A NEW MEANING TO YOUR EXPERIENCES AND FEELINGS

If you’re feeling angry, you could conclude that you’re too easily hurt and you’ll

likely never be happy. Or you could conclude that your anger is a guidepost that can

help you understand yourself better so you can learn to be happier.

If you’re feeling resentful, you could conclude that you’re selfish and

uncompassionate and, therefore, a bad person. Or you could conclude that you’re

responding to an emotional trigger and that you deserve self-compassion as you

examine and address it.

If you’re feeling frustrated, you could conclude that it’s because you’re a failure. Or

you could conclude that you haven’t yet identified what you want or learned how to

47
work toward it; or, that what you’re trying to do is hard, and you deserve credit for

working toward it regardless.

If you’re feeling anxiety, you could conclude that you’re a weak person and that you

just can’t handle life. Or you could conclude that you struggle with anxiety because

of difficult life experiences and that you’re strong to have survived them.

The opposite of self-judgment is self-empathy, so reframe your perception to see

yourself as someone who is learning, growing, and doing your best, even if you’re

struggling with something right now.

This won’t necessarily make it easy to let go of difficult feelings. But it will be a lot

easier to learn from them and move through them if you remember that we all hurt,

but that doesn’t mean you deserve it.

Photo by Fabien Piel

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 What Next?

In this eBook, you’ve learned how to leverage difficult emotions to work for you, not

against you.

Prior to reading this, you may have assumed that anger, resentment, frustration, and

anxiety are all useless, negative states that must be escaped as quickly as possible.

Hopefully, this has shown you that each of these emotions can serve you, if you can

let go of your limiting stories about them and focus instead on what you can learn

from them.

In much the same way that we can change our state of mind by changing our

stories about our emotions, we can change our lives by changing our stories

about our past.

I credit this way of thinking with saving my life. It helped me change how I saw

myself and, as a result, change my choices. It’s what eventually led me to

start Tiny Buddha as a place where we can all share our struggles and successes to

feel less alone and more empowered.

It’s also the philosophy behind my online course, Recreate Your Life Story:

Change the Script and Be the Hero.

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It’s a fun, creative program, blending self-help and film that gives you tools to let go

of the past so you can feel free, happy, unlimited in the present—and confident

about creating the future.

If you’d like to examine and change your deeply ingrained limiting beliefs and

stories, you may benefit from learning more at recreateyourlifestory.com.

I hope this has been helpful to you, and I wish you peace, love, health, and

happiness!

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 About the Author

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha, a community blog that features stories and

insights from readers from all over the globe. She runs the site as a group effort because she

believes we all have something to teach and something to learn. Since it launched in 2009,

Tiny Buddha has grown into one of the most popular inspirational sites on the web, with

close to three million monthly readers.

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Lori is the author of Tiny Buddha: Simple Wisdom for Life’s Hard Questions, Tiny Buddha’s

Guide to Loving Yourself, Tiny Buddha’s 365 Tiny Love Challenges, and the Tiny Wisdom

eBooks series. She’s also co-founder of the online course Recreate Your Life Story: Change

the Script and Be the Hero.

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 Get More Tiny Buddha

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