Black Comedy by Peter Shaffer

A Farce in One Act

SYNOPSIS- In this play, the usual conditions of light and dark are reversed, when the lights are ‘on’ we see
nothing but darkness, when they are ‘off’ we see the characters behaving as if they were in a blackout. When
the lights on stage come one, the electricity in the house goes. Aditya and Naina, an engaged couple, have
invited a millionaire to see Aditya’s artwork, and to impress him have stolen antiques and furniture from a
neighbour. Naina’s formidable father is also expected. The lights fuse, and the arrival of several unexpected
visitors effectively wrecks the evening. What looks like a perfectly pleasant evening ahead, slowly
disintegrates bit by bit into a chaotic affair.

CHARACTERS

ADITYA MEHRA: A young sculptor (mid-twenties), intelligent and attractive, but nervous and
uncertain of himself.

NAINA SETHI: His fiancée. A young lady just returned from her studies abroad; very pretty,
very spoiled; very silly. Her sound is that unmistakable, terrifying American acquired accent.

MISS KATHERINE JACOBS: A middle-aged christian lady. Socially awkward, prissy and refined.
Clad in the blouse and sack skirt/kaaftan of her gentility, her hair in a bun, her voice in a bun,
she reveals only the repressed gestures of the middle-class spinster - until alcohol undoes her.

COLONEL SETHI: Naina’s commanding father. Brisk, barky, yet given to sudden vocal calms
which suggest a deep and alarming instability. It is not only the constant darkness which gives
him his look of wide-eyed suspicion. He is extremely protective of his daughter who he believes
is throwing her life (and all the money he spent on her education) away by getting involved
with Aditya..

JAI JUNEJA: The bachelor owner of an art gallery, and Aditya’s neighbour, JAI comes from
Rajasthan. His friendship is highly conditional and possessive: sooner or later, payment for it
will be asked. A specialist in emotional blackmail, he can become hysterical when slighted, or
(as inevitably happens) rejected. He is older than Aditya by several years.

ELECTRICIAN: A migrant, chubby, cultivated, and effervescent. He is an entirely happy man,

delighted to be in Delhi, even if this means being employed full time by the Delhi Electricity
Board.

SAMIRA: Aditya’s ex-mistress. Mid-twenties; dazzling, emotional, bright and mischievous. The
challenge to her to create a dramatic situation out of the darkness is ultimately irresistible.
RAJESH TOMAR: An elderly millionaire art collector, easily identifiable as such.

SCENE 1

[Complete darkness. Two voices are heard: ADITYA and NAINA: They must give the impression
of two people walking round a room with absolute confidence, as if in the light. We hear sounds
as of furniture being moved. A chair is dumped down.]

ADITYA: There! How do you think the room looks?

NAINA [quacking]: It looks fabulous darling, I wish you could always have it like this.

ADITYA: And what if Jai comes back?

NAINA: Oh ho, we’ve talked about this. He’s not coming back till tomorrow morning.

ADITYA [pacing nervously]: I know, I know, Iknow. But what if he comes back tonight? He’ll go
mad when he finds out that we’ve stolen his stuff.

NAINA: Don't exaggerate, darling. We haven't stolen anything, we’ve just borrowed it. And it’s
barely anything. Just three chairs, the sofa, that table….

ADITYA: The lamp, the bulb, the bowl, the vase of flowers, the flowers, the radio, the stool, the
telephone, the table cloth, the cushions and the cushion covers.

NAINA: Yes, that’s all.

ADITYA: And those statues! He’s carried them all the way from Tibet or something. That's
more valuable than anything.

NAINA: Don’t worry darling. Mr. Tomar’s going to love it.

ADITYA: Darling, Rajesh Tomar is a multi-millionaire. He’s coming here to buy my art and not
my sofa. And it’s not even my sofa. If you ask me, it would look much better to him if he found
me exactly as I really am, a poor artist. Huh, it might even touch his heart.

NAINA: It might, but it certainly won’t impress daddy. Remember he’s coming too?

ADITYA: As if I could forget! Why did you have to invite your khadoos father tonight?

NAINA: Darling, he’s not khadoos, he’s just a little…

ADITYA: Uptight?

NAINA: Uptight! That’s just the word I was looking for, you know me so well. And, once
you start earning for me na, he’ll approve our marriage.

ADITYA: (Frustrated) I can’t stand these fauji types. And anyway, he’s bound to hate me.
NAINA: But you haven't even met him.

ADITYA: That doesn't make any difference. Get me a drink.

[She does. We hear her steps, and a glass clink against a bottle - then the sound of water
being poured]

NAINA: Here.

ADITYA: Thank you. I like you in blue. It goes with your hair.

NAINA: But Adi, my hair’s not blue.

ADITYA: That’s not…never mind..

NAINA: Oh Adi. (pause) Tell me something.

ADITYA: Anything.

NAINA: Have there been many before me?

ADITYA: Thousands.

NAINA: Seriously! (Hits him in jest).

ADITYA: Seriously? None.

NAINA: What about the girl in the photo?

ADITYA: That was nothing.

NAINA: What was her name?

ADITYA: Samira.

NAINA: Did you date her?

ADITYA: Yes.

NAINA: How long ago?

ADITYA: 2 years.

NAINA: For how long.

ADITYA: 3 months.

NAINA: What was she like?

ADITYA: She was a painter.

NAINA: And?

ADITYA: Very honest.

NAINA: And?

ADITYA: Very clever.

NAINA: And?

ADITYA: And just about as nice as your khadoos father! Stop asking me all these questions,
Naina.

NAINA: So why do you still have her photo in your bedroom drawer?

ADITYA: It was just there. That's all. (Quickly tries to change the topic)

NAINA: (Angry, pacing) ‘Just there’? What do you mean it was just there? How can it just be
there? Don’t tell me it was just there. Things are never just there. One day, you’ll dump me
and say that I was just there. What is this, your just there cycle?

ADITYA: It was a photograph.

NAINA: Exactly. Sorry. Accha calm down.

ADITYA: Look, people will be here in a minute. Put some music on. The radio’s just there.

Oh God, let this evening go all right! Let Mr. Tomar appreciate my art and buy some! Let
Naina’s khadoos father like me! And let my neighbour Jai Juneja never find out that
we’ve stolen his precious furniture behind his back!

Brilliant light floods the stage. The rest of the play, save for the times when matches are struck,
or for the scene with ELECTRICIAN, is acted in this light, but as if in pitch darkness.

They freeze: NAINA by the end of the sofa; ADITYA by the drinks table. The girl is wearing
something mod and stylish. The boy's look is equally cool: narrow, contained, and sexy.
Throughout the evening, as things slide into disaster for him, his crisp, detached shape
degenerates progressively into sweat and rumple - just as the elegance of his room gives way
relentlessly to its usual near-slum appearance. For the place, as for its owner, the evening is a
progress through disintegration. The structure and appearance of ADITYA's room is described
in the note at the beginning of the play.]

SCENE 1 ENDS

SCENE 2

ADITYA: [ADITYA opens his eyes stares into space and then closes them again.] Oh no. Please
God, bring back the lights. [Opens eyes to find that the situation has not really changed.
Marvelously, NAINA is completely unfazed by this. ADITYA keeps praying.] Please, please,
please.

NAINA: Adi, what’s the problem?

ADITYA (trying to keep composure): There’s no light, Naina. Can’t you see?

NAINA: Oh Adi, I can’t see anything, there’s no light.

ADITYA: And therein problem.

NAINA: Also, your radio’s not working.

ADITYA: Because there’s no light!

NAINA: Theek hai, tum aise kyun react kar rahe ho jaise mujhe kuch samajh nahi aa raha hai.
You’re so silly. Doesn’t your generator come on immediately?

ADITYA: There is no generator.

NAINA: You’re teasing me!

ADITYA: No.

NAINA: Do you have any candles?

ADITYA: No.

NAINA: Any matches?

ADITYA: No.

NAINA: What are we going to do?

ADITYA: I don’t know! Just go to the bedroom and look for some matches where you found the
photograph. (Naina leaves the room)

[The telephone rings.]

ADITYA: Would you believe it? [He blunders his way towards the sound of the bell. Just in time
he remembers the central table - and stops himself colliding into it with a smile of self-
congratulation.] Accha Accha, I'm coming! (He has to grope for the phone on his knees,
hauling the receiver back to him by the wire. Into receiver.] Hello? [In sudden horror] Hello . . .
No, no, no, no, no - I'm fine, fine, fine, fine fine! Stop saying what?
[Hand still over the receiver]: Naina? . . . Darling? . . . [Satisfied she has gone; in a rush into the
telephone, his voice low] Samira! What are you doing here? I thought you were in New York . . . But
you've hardly been gone six weeks . . . Where are you speaking from? . . . The airport? . . .
Well, no, that's not a good idea tonight. I'm really busy, and I'm afraid I just can't get out of it.
It's business.
NAINA [calling from the bedroom door, above]: There's nothing here except your smelly socks, I
told you.

ADITYA [calling back]: Well, try the other drawers, darling [He rises as he speaks, turning
so that the wire wraps itself around his legs]

[NAINA returns to her search.]

[Low and rapid, into the phone] Look, I told you no, Samira. No you can’t come here, not
tonight. That's not the point. You can't come here. Look, the situation's changed.

NAINA: I can't see anything, Adi.

ADITYA: Samira, I've got to go. I can't discuss it over the phone.

NAINA [emerging from the bedroom]: There's nothing here.

ADITYA: [Into phone, quickly] I'll call you tomorrow. Good-bye. [He hangs up sharply - but
fails to find the rest of the telephone so that he bangs the receiver hard on the table first.
Then he has to disentangle himself from the wire. Already ADITYA is beginning to be fussed.]

NAINA [descending]: Who was that?

ADITYA: No one. Did you find the matches?

NAINA: I can't find anything in this.

ADITYA: I'll go to the market.

[MS JACOBS had entered the room a few lines ago, and is now centre stage)

MISS JACOBS [she jumps and hugs Naina, thinking she is Aditya]: Oh thank god I’ve found you
Mr. Mehra, I’m absolutely terrified of the dark. Do you mind if I stay here for a while?

NAINA: Oh no, not at all.

[MS JACOBS gasps at the strange voice, and releases her.]

ADITYA: Darling, this is Ms. Jacobs, from upstairs. Ms. Jacobs – Ms. Sethi.

MISS JACOBS: Hello.

NAINA: [extending her hand into the darkness]: How do you do?

ADITYA: I’m going to go down to the market, why don’t you…

MISS JACOBS: Jai Juneja might have some candles. He lives in the flat, opposite. He's away
for the weekend, but always leaves his key under the mat.
(Through the play, Miss Jacobs blurts out lines with little relevance, poor timing, abrupt
volume or varying style. All characters on stage will react uncomfortably.)

ADITYA: What a good idea. Darling, why don’t you stay..

MISS JACOBS: Door mat!

ADITYA: Er, yes, the door mat. Naina, you call the electrician, I'll go and check Jai’s. And
just take care of Ms. Jacobs.

MISS JACOBS: I can take care of myself, thank you.

ADITYA: Yes, sure. (He leaves the rpp,)

NAINA: [To MISS JACOBS] Do you know who’s coming here tonight?

MISS JACOBS: No.

NAINA: (She proceeds to find the phone) Have you ever heard of a man named Rajesh Tomar?

MISS JACOBS: No.

NAINA [jiggling the phone]: Hello? Hello? [someone answers her at last]: Hallo? Ah! Jee,
Electricity Board wale? Haan jee, complaint likhiye aap, urgent hai. Arrey likhiye toh. Meri
complaint yeh hai ki lights chali gayu hai. Haan, bas itna hi. Address likhiye. C-20 Vasant Kunj.
Likh liya? Kisi ko please dijiye. (MISS JACOBS suddenly claps her hands together, as if a fly is
irritating here. NAINA is taken aback.) Please kisi ko jaldi bhej dijeyi. Thank you

NAINA: They said they’d send someone along soon. Would you like a drink?

MISS JACOBS: Oh no thank you, I don't drink. My dear father, being the Head of the Christian
Society for High Moral Order and Good Conduct, strongly disapproved of alcohol.

NAINA: I’m sure you can have some water at least.

MISS JACOBS: Yes.

[A scuffle is heard outside, followed by a booming voice.]

SCENE 2 ENDS

SCENE 3

COLONEL SETHI [off]: [Barking] Is there anybody there?

NAINA [calling]: In here, Daddy!

COLONEL: Yeh lights off karne ki kuch khaas vajha? Vahaan pe girte girte bacha hoon mein.
NAINA: Lights off nahi kari hain daddy, the lights have gone. We’ve got a fuse.

COLONEL: Oh. Let me take out my lighter then. (Lights dim to signify a light has been
switched on)

NAINA: Daddy, this is Miss Jacobs from upstairs, this is my daddy, Colonel Sethi.

COLONEL: Good evening.

MISS GOMES: I'm staying here for the moment with Mr. Mehra. I'm not a big fan of the dark.

COLONEL (laughing): Nor are we, madame. (To NAINA) Yeh kab hua?

NAINA: Five minutes ago. The lights just went! We were just-

COLONEL: And where's this young man of yours?

NAINA: In the flat opposite. He's trying to find candles.

COLONEL: You mean he hasn't got any?

NAINA: No. We can't even find the matches.

COLONEL: I see. No organization. Bad sign!

MISS JACOBS: Bad sign!

NAINA: Daddy, please. It could happen to any of us.

COLONEL: Not to me, not to Colonel Sethi, never.

NAINA: But daddy you’re super organized na.

COLONEL: That I am. Well, [referring to his lighter] there's no point wasting this. We may
need it. [He snaps off his lighter]

SCENE 3 ENDS

SCENE 4

NAINA: [Hearing steps] Adi? -

[ADITYA enters. He does not look pleased. He has obviously had no success next door.]

NAINA: Did you find anything?

ADITYA [coming in]: You can't find anything there. If there are candles there, I don't
know where they are. Did you get the electrician?

NAINA: They said they might send someone around later.

ADITYA: (Takes off his blazer, and places it over the Colonel’s head) Oh brilliant! Not a bloody
candle in the house. A deaf millionaire to show sculpture to - and your khadoos daddy to keep
happy. I can’t stand him, why is he even coming here tonight? He smells?

COLONEL [grimly lighting his lighter]: Good evening.

[ADITYA is startled and tries to play cool. Tries to avoid the gaze of the colonel, who is looking
straight at him.]

COLONEL: You were saying something?

ADITYA: Just telling Naina how much I was looking forward to meet you, sir. [Goes into a
laughing fit]: Well, well, well, well, well , I'm expecting some dreadful neighbours, some
khadoos neighbours sir, so khadoos, I’m sure you know the sort.

MS JACOBS: I know the sort.

ADITYA: I’m sure you do.

COLONEL: Koi Dikat, Mehra Saheb?

ADITYA [with mad nervousness]: Oh no, nai nai sir

COLONEL: In the meantime, you have no matches, right?

ADITYA: Right.

COLONEL: No candles. Right?

ADITYA: Right.

COLONEL: No basic efficiency, right?

ADITYA: Right. Err no no, I wouldn't say that, exactly . . .

MS JACOBS: Bad sign. (Everyone turns and gives her a bewildered look)

COLONEL: By basic efficiency, young man, I mean the simple state of being At Attention in
life, rather than At Ease. Understand?

ADITYA: Well, I'm certainly not at ease, sir.

COLONEL: Come here, yes, here. Sit. (Makes Aditya sit beside him) This is an emergency.
Anyone can see that.

ADITYA: Sir, actually, no one can see anything: that's the emergency!

COLONEL: (Rises from his chair): Ha. Ha. Ha. I don’t like jokes, young man, so please do not…

MISS JACOBS: A joke is when a horse walks into a bar.

COLONEL: I don’t like jokes young man, so please do not insist on making them in my presence.
Problem: Darkness. Solution: Light. (ADITYA sneezes, and the lighter goes off)

ADITYA: I’m so sorry sir!

COLONEL: Idiot! Where are you?

ADITYA: Here sir.

COLONEL: Mehra you fool. You have no matches, you have no candles, what remains?

ADITYAL: No idea sir.

COLONEL: Torches! Bloody Torches.

ADITYA: Oh very good, sir! Thank you so much, your clarity of mind has saved the day.

COLONEL: Cut the flatter, solve the matter.

MISS JACOBS: How poetic.

COLONEL: Huh?

MISS JACOBS: It rhymed.

ADITYA: Yes sir, just leaving.

COLONEL: Run. Leave. Now.

ADITYA: And meanwhile, Naina will take care of you and give you drinks.

COLONEL: I can take care of myself, thank you very much. (As soon as he says this, he
topples over a chair and falls to the ground)

[ADITYA starts for the door - but as he reaches it, JAI JUNEJA is heard,

off.] JAI: Hallo? Hallooo? Anyone there?

ADITYA [freezing with horror]: JAI!!

JAI [grabbed]: Oooh! . . . [He takes ADITYA's hand and enters the room cosily on his arm]
It's rather cosy in the dark, isn't it?

ADITYA [desperately]: Yes! I suppose so . . . So you're back from your weekend then . . .

JAI: I certainly am, dear. Weekend? Some weekend! It rained the whole bloody time.

ADITYA [nervously]: Well, have a seat and tell us all about it. (Jai advances and due to the
darkness, sits on the colonel’s lap. Immediately jumps up in excitement, leaving the colonel in
rage)

JAI: Oooh, who’s here then?

ADITYA: May I present my neighbor? This is Jai Juneja - Colonel Sethi.

JAI: [With a broad smile. He knows the kind of reaction he evokes from men like the
Colonel] Hallo!

COLONEL: [Nose shriveling up]

ADITYA: And this is Ms Naina Sethi.

NAINA [giving him a chilly smile]: Hallo!

JAI: Adi, I smell samosas?

ADITYA [meant for NAINA]: It's Jai. He's back!

NAINA: Oh no!

ADITYA: What are we going to do?

NAINA: I don’t know Adi, we don’t have any samosas!

ADITYA: It’s not about the samosas! THE FURNITURE!

NAINA: Oh that also.

JAI: What's going on here?

[JAI appears. He wears a smart raincoat and carries a weekend suitcase. His hair falls over
his brow in a flossy attempt at elegance.]

ADITYA: Nothing, Jai. Don't go in there - come in here. We've had a fuse. It's dark - it's all over
the house. [Reaching out and grabbing him]: Yes. Come in here.
[JAI nods coldly.]

ADITYA: And you obviously know Ms. Jacobs.

JAI: Hello Katy.

MS JACOBS: Good evening Mr. Juneja.

ADITYA: Here, let me take your raincoat, JAI.

[He is wearing a tight, modish, grey suit and a brilliant strawberry shirt. ADITYA forcefully pulls
off the coat.]

JAI [taking it off and handing it to him]: Ooooo. Be careful, it's sopping wet.

[Adroitly, ADITYA drops the coat over the Wedgwood bowl on the table. ADITYA crosses and
blows out the COLONEL's lighter just as JAI begins to look round the room.]

COLONEL: What was that?

ADITYA: I'm saving your lighter, Colonel. You may need it later and it's failing fast.

[The COLONEL gives him a suspicious look. ADITYA moves quickly back, takes up the coat and
drops it over the right end of the sofa, to conceal as much of it as possible.]

JAI: It's all right. I've got some matches.

NAINA [alarmed]: Matches!

[JAI strikes one. ADITYA immediately blows it out from behind, then moves swiftly to hide the
Wedgwood bowl under the table and drop the tablecloth over the remaining end of the sofa.
MS JACOBS sits serenely unknowing between the two covers.]

JAI: Hey, what was that?

ADITYA [babbling]: A draught. No match stays alight in this room. It's impossible. Cross-
currents, you know. Hawa yaahan se aati hai, aur wahaan se jaati hai. You have no idea how I
cook my food. (Gives his wild braying laugh, even Naina starts laughing)

COLONEL: Ha. Ha. Ha. Not funny.

JAI [bewildered]: [He strikes another match.]

[ADITYA again blows it out as he nips over to sit in the chair downstage left, but this time is
seen.]

What's up with you?

ADITYA: Nothing!

JAI: Have you got a dead body in here or something?

ADITYA: NO! [He starts his maniacal laughter]

[JAI strikes another match, ADITYA dashes up. All these strikings and blowings are of
course accompanied by swift and violent alterations of the light.]

JAI [exasperated]: Now look here! What's up with you?

ADITYA [inspired]: Dangerous!

JAI: What?

ADITYA [frantically improvising]: Dangerous! It's dangerous! . . . We can all die! Naked flames!
Hideous accidents can happen with naked flames!

JAI: What?

[ADITYA clutches JAI and backs him bewilderedly across to the centre table.]

COLONEL: I've never heard of that.

JAI: Me neither.

NAINA [catching on]: Adi's absolutely right. In fact, they warned me about it on the phone
this evening when I called them. They said, 'Whatever you do, don't strike a match till the
light comes back on.'

COLONEL: Brilliant!

MISS JACOBS: Oh my goodness, we must take care.

ADITYA: We certainly must! . . . [Pause] Let's all have a drink. Cheer us up! . . .

NAINA: Good idea! Mr. Juneja, would you like a drink?

JAI: I would love one. [Pause] But let me go home and wash up first. (He gets up from his seat in
an attempt to leave)
ADITYA [panic]: You can do that here. (ADITYA puts JAI down back on his seat, lightly)

JAI: Well, I must unpack anyway. (He gets up from his seat again)

ADITYA: Do it later. [To NAINA] Make him a gin and lime. (He slams JAI down back on his
seat, hard)

JAI: My my Adi, I must say darkness does bring out the dominance in you.

COLONEL: Young man, do I have to keep reminding you that you are in an emergency? You
have a guest arriving any second.

ADITYA: Oh God, I'd forgotten! Naina, can I have a word with you, please?

NAINA: I'm here. [She gropes towards him and ADITYA leads her to the stairs.]

COLONEL: What now?

ADITYA: Excuse us just a moment, please, Colonel. [He pulls her quickly after him)

MISS JACOBS: Oh Mr. Juneja, it’s so exciting. Guess who’s coming here tonight.

JAI: Who?

MISS JACOBS: Guess!

JAI: Manmohan Singh?

(ADITYA and NAINA enter the other room. The rest of this conversation is played on one side)

ADITYA: What are we going to do?

NAINA [behind the door]: I don't know!

ADITYA [behind the door]: Think!

NAINA: But –

ADITYA: Think! I’ll have to put all of Jai’s furniture back in his room right now!

NAINA: Now?!

ADITYA: We'll have to. I can't get a torch till we do.

COLONEL [calling out]: Naina.

NAINA: Look, can't you just tell him it was a joke?

ADITYA: You don't know him. He can't bear anyone to touch his treasures. They're like
children to him. Would you like him to call me a thief in front of your father?

NAINA: Of course not!

ADITYA: Well, he would. He gets absolutely hysterical. I've seen him.

COLONEL [mildly]: Aditya!

ADITYA [stripping off his jacket]: Look, serve them drinks. Just keep things going. Leave it all
to me. I'll try and put everything back in the dark.

COLONEL [roaring]: MEHRA!!

ADITYA [dashing to the door]: Coming, sir . . . [to NAINA, intimately]: Trust me, darling.

COLONEL: Hurry up, Mehra.

ADITYA: Yes, sir! Yes, sir! [He rushes out, and in his anxiety misses his footing and falls neatly
down the entire flight of stairs.] I’m going.

NAINA: He’s going.

ADITYA: I’ve gone.

NAINA: He’s going.

ADITYA: I’ve gone!

NAINA: Oh, he’s gone.

COLONEL: We get it.

[He runs out and then after a pause (until “after the dark”), reappears. He stands dead still for a
moment, centre, silently indicating to himself the position of the chairs he has to move - then he
finds his way to the first of the Regency chairs, downstage left, which he lifts noiselessly.]

NAINA [with bright desperation]: Well now, drinks!

COLONEL: And how are you going to make them in the dark beta?

NAINA: I remember the exact way I put out the bottles. [ADITYA bumps into her with the
chair and falls back, gored by its leg.] It's very simple.

JAI: Oh look, dear, let me strike a match. I'm sure it's not that dangerous. [He strikes a match]
NAINA: Oh no! ... [ADITYA ducks down, chair in hand, and blows out the match.] Do you want
to blow us all up, Mr. Juneja? . . . All poor Rajesh Tomar would find would be teensy weensy bits
of us. [She snatches the box of matches, feels for the ice bucket, and drops them into it]

[ADITYA steals out, Felix-the-cat-like, with the chair as NAINA fumblingly starts to mix drinks.
He exits with the chair.]

JAI: Is that who's coming? Rajesh Tomar?

MISS JACOBS: Yes. To see Mr. Mehra's work. Isn't it exciting?

JAI: Amazing! I read an article about him last week in the Sunday Midday. He's known as the
mystery millionaire. He's almost completely deaf

[ADITYA returns with a broken-down chair of his own and sets it down in the same position as
the one he has taken out. The second chair presents a harder challenge. It sits right across the
room, upstage right. Delicately he moves towards the COLONEL.]

MISS JACOBS: I've never met a millionaire. I've always wondered if they felt different from us.
I mean their organs.

COLONEL [into ADITYA's face]: Their organs, madame?

[ADITYA staggers back, startled, and falls by accident neatly into the second Regency chair.
Amazed and delighted by his luck, he picks it up triumphantly.]

MISS JACOBS: Yes. I've always imagined they must be different than ours. Like the organs
which should have been donated to my father.

NAINA: Really?

MISS JACOBS: [As she speaks her next speech staring smugly into the darkness, hands clasped
in maidenly gentility, the second Regency chair is being moved slowly across what should be her
field of vision, two inches from her face. During the following, ADITYA unfortunately misaims
and carries the chair past the stairs, bumps into the wall, retreats from it, and finds himself a bit
lost. Now he cannot get out of the room, he has to set down the chair, grope for the stairs - then
refind the chair which he has quite lost. This takes a long and frantic time. At last he triumphs,
and staggers from the room, nearly exhausted.]

One day my father woke me up with a failed kidney, and told me that he had a failed kidney.
His kidney was failing, all in panic my arms were flailing, I went to the railing, to find him
wailing, and then his life sailed away.
[NOTE: Hopefully, if the counterpoint of farce action goes well, MISS JACOBS may have to ad-
lib a fair bit during all this, and not mind too much if nobody hears her. The essential thing for
all four actors during the furniture-moving is to preserve the look of ordinary conversation.]

NAINA: Actually, the last line didn’t rhyme.

MISS JACOBS: Death is not something to be smiled upon.

COLONEL: Neither is it something to my rhymed upon.

How are those drinks coming, Naina?

NAINA: Fine, Daddy. They'll be one minute.

COLONEL: Let me help you.

[ADITYA sets down the rocker immediately next to the COLONEL's chair.]

NAINA: You can take this nimbu pani to Miss Jacobs if you want.

COLONEL: Accha. Ms. Jacobs, aap kuch boliye, so that I can find you.

MISS JACOBS: I’m here.

COLONEL: Bolte rahiye, keep talking.

MISS JACOBS: I’m here.

COLONEL: Accha kuch lamba boliye.

MISS JACOBS: I’m right here.

[He rises just as ADITYA's hand pulls it from beneath him. With his other hand ADITYA pulls the
rocker into the identical position. The COLONEL moves slowly across the room, arms
outstretched for the nimbu pani. Unknowingly ADITYA follows him, carrying the third chair. The
COLONEL collides gently with the table. At the same moment ADITYA reaches it upstage of him,
and searches for the Wedgwood bowl. Their hands narrowly miss. Then the young man
remembers the bowl is under the table. Deftly he reaches down and retrieves it - and carrying it
in one hand and the chair in the other, triumphantly leaves the room through the arch
unconsciously provided by the outstretched arms of NAINA and the COLONEL, giving and
receiving a glass of Scotch - which they think is lemonade.]

COLONEL: (To MISS JACOBS) So your father was a priest then?

MISS JACOBS: He was a saint, Mr. Sethi.

COLONEL: Same thing. And it’s Colonel Sethi, not Mr. Sethi.

MISS JACOBS: Same thing. I'm only thankful he never lived to see the rudeness and vulgarity
of life today.
JAI [he sits on the sofa beside her]: Oooh, you're so right, Sissy. Rudeness and vulgarity - the
manners of some people today are beyond belief. Say the word ‘refinement’ today, and people
think you’re talking about sugar.

[Her voice corrects the COLONEL's direction. During the following he moves slowly up towards
her.]

COLONEL [finding her head with his hand and presenting her with the Scotch]: Here's your
lemonade.

MISS JACOBS [with a shriek]: Oh, thank you. Most kind.

[Throughout JAI's story, MISS JACOBS nurses the glass, not drinking. The COLONEL finds his way
slowly back to the chair he thinks he was sitting on before, but which is now a rocker. ADITYA
reappears triumphantly carrying one of the original Regency chairs he took out; he moves
slowly across the room getting his bearings.]

[The COLONEL sits heavily in the rocking chair which overbalances backwards, spilling him onto
the floor.]

COLONEL: Argh!

NAINA: What's the matter, Daddy?

[A pause. ADITYA sits down panic-stricken on the chair he has carried in. The COLONEL feels
the chair and sets it on its feet.]

COLONEL [unbelieving]: It's a blasted rocking chair! I didn't see a blasted rocking chair
here before! . . .

[Astounded, the COLONEL remains on the floor. ADITYA rises and moves the chair to the
original position of the second chair he moved.]

JAI: Oh yes, you want to watch that. It's in a pretty terrible condition. I've told Adi about it so
many times
[The COLONEL seats himself again, gingerly.]

[ADITYA mistakenly lifts the end of the sofa; MISS JACOBS gives a little scream at the jolt.]

[ADITYA staggers in the opposite direction downstage onto the rostrum.]

[ADITYA finds the lamp on the downstage table and picks it up. He tries walking away with it to
the other side of the stage, but the wire is stuck off stage. ADITYA tugs it again, much harder.
Lamp doesn’t come out, and he slips and falls.

NAINA [with two drinks in her hand]: Here's your gin and lime. You deserve it. [She hands him
the nimbu pani.]
JAI [accepting it]: Thank you so much.

NAINA: Where are you, Daddy? Here's your Scotch.

COLONEL: Here, Dumpling! [He gets up dazedly and fumbles his way to the glass of gin
and lime]

[ADITYA meanwhile realizes he has lost the shade of the lamp. On his knees he begins to look
for it.]

MISS JACOBS: Do you care for art yourself, Colonel?

COLONEL: Art? I hate art. After all these years in the army, I can never imagine myself using a
paintbrush. I find it so feminine, so futile.

NAINA Well, we've all got drinks, I'd like to propose a toast! I’ve always wanted to do this.

COLONEL: A toast to what, beta?

NAINA: A toast, to my first toast!

COLONEL: And I’ll raise one when you start talking sense.

MISS JACOBS: I'll drink to that!

JAI: Bottoms up!

[Quickly ADITYA finds the Statue, moves it from the packing-case to the table, then gets
JAI's raincoat from the sofa, and wraps the statue up in it, leaving it on the table.]

COLONEL: Thank you, Naina. That was very sweet of you. [He swallows his drink] Dammit,
that's gin!

JAI: I've got nimbu pani!

MISS JACOBS: Oh! Horrible! Quite horrible! That would be alcohol, I suppose! .Oh dear,
how unpleasant!

[Seizing her chance she downs a huge draught of Scotch.]

JAI [to MISS JACOBS]: Here, luv, exchange with me. No - you get the lemonade - but I get the
gin. Colonel -

COLONEL: Here, sir.

[They all exchange drinks. ADITYA resumes his frantic search for the shade.]

JAI: Here, Sissy.

[The COLONEL hands her the gin and lime. He gets instead the nimbu pani from JAI. JAI gets
he Scotch.]

MISS JACOBS: Thank you.

JAI: Well, let's try again. Bottoms up!

[They drink. Triumphantly, ADITYA finds the shade. Unfortunately at the same moment the
COLONEL spits out his lemonade in a fury all over him, as he marches towards him on his
knees.] Look here - I can't stand another minute of this! [He fishes his lighter out of his pocket
and angrily tries to light it]

NAINA: Daddy, please!

COLONEL: I don't care, Naina. If I blow us up, then I'll blow us up!. . . [His words die in the flame,
he spies ADITYA kneeling at his feet, wound about with lamp-wire] Tum wahaan kya kar rahe
ho?

ADITYA [blowing out his lighter]: Yes sir! [Quickly he steals, still on his knees, to the table
downstage right]

COLONEL: Kya?

ADITYA: Sir, light, light, bijli doondh raha hoon.

COLONEL: Oh shutup. Torch kahaan hai.

ADITYA: Er . . . the market was closed.

JAI: You managed to get to the market so quickly?

ADITYA: Of course I did -

MISS JACOBS: But it's 2 KM away, Mr. Mehra.

ADITYA: Desperate time, Ms. Jacobs. [Quickly he lifts the table and steals out of the room with it
and the wrecked lamp]

COLONEL [who thinks he is still kneeling at his feet]: Chup. Mujhe bewakoof banana ki koshish
mat karo. There’s something very fishy going on in this room. I may not know about art,
Mehra, but I know men…

JAI (Interrupting): I know men too!

MS. JACOBS: Wrong timing, Mr. Juneja.

COLONEL: So. I may not know about art, Mehra, but I know men. I know a liar in the light, and
I know one in the dark.

NAINA: Daddy!

COLONEL: (Addressing Aditya, who is not in the room anymore) Tell me one thing, Mehra, and
tell me honestly. Are you still busy looking for your brain? (pause) Bolo? Are you still busy
looking for your brain?

NAINA [realizing he isn't there, raising her voice]: Adi, Daddy's talking to you!

COLONEL: Chilla kyun rahe ho?

ADITYA [rushing back from JAI's room, still entangled in the lamp]: Of course, I know. He's
absolutely right. I was - just thinking it over for a moment.

COLONEL: Well? What's your answer?

ADITYA: I . . . I couldn't agree with you more, sir.

COLONEL: What?

ADITYA: That was a very perceptive remark you made there. Bahut intelligent tha sir. Not
everyone would have thought of that. Individual. You know. Almost witty. Well, it was
witty. Why be ungenerous? Sir, sir, sir, I think you should write a book. I mean..

MS. JACOBS: My father wrote a book.

COLONEL: (To Mehra) Are you trying to be funny?

MS. JACOBS: No, that was the 2nd part. The first one was ‘Are you trying to be serious’.

COLONEL: Mehra, are you trying to be funny?

ADITYA [ingratiatingly]: Well, I'll try anything once . . .

COLONEL: If you think I'm going to let my daughter marry a born liar, you're very much
mistaken.

JAI: Marry! (Gets up from his seat in surprise)

NAINA: Well, that's the idea.

JAI: Well! [Furious at the news, and at the fact that ADITYA hasn't confided in him] What a
surprise!

ADITYA: Jai please, we were keeping it a secret.

JAI: Obviously. How long's this been going on, then?

ADITYA: A few days

NAINA: Months.

ADITYA: Weeks!

NAINA: Months!

ADITYA: Months!

JAI: You sly bitch…

ADITYA [nervous]: I hope you approve, Jai.

JAI (Sulky): Well, I must say, you do know how to keep things to yourself.

ADITYA [placatingly]: I meant to tell you, Jai . . . I really did. You were the one person I was
going to tell.

JAI: Well why didn't you, then?

ADITYA: I don't know. I just never got around to it.

JAI: You saw me every day.

ADITYA: I know.

JAI: You could have mentioned it at any time.

ADITYA: I know.

JAI [huffy]: Well, it's your business. There's no obligation to share confidences. I've only been
your neighbour for what, five years.

ADITYA: Three.

JAI: Five

ADITYA: Three!

JAI: Five! I've always assumed there was more than a geographical closeness between us, but I
was obviously mistaken.

ADITYA: Oh look, Jai, please understand -

JAI [shrill]: There's no need to say anything! It'll just teach me in future not to bank too much on
friendship. It's silly me again! Silly, stupid, trusting me!
[MISS JACOBS rises in agitation and gropes her way to the drinks table.]

COLONEL: Good God man!

NAINA [persuading]: Oh come on, Mr. Juneja. We haven't told anybody.

ADITYA: Please Jai, I’m sorry.

MISS JACOBS [groping about on the drinks table]: My father always used to say, 'To err is
human; to forgive divine.'

NAINA: I thought that was somebody else.

MS JACOBS [blithely]: So many people copied him. [She finds the open bottle of gin, lifts it and
sniffs it eagerly. She pours more gin into her glass and returns slowly to sit upstage on the edge
of the rostrum.]

COLONEL: Well, sir, wherever you are -

ADITYA: Here, Colonel.

COLONEL: I'll ignore your damn strange behaviour this once, but understand this, Mehra. Naina is
dear to me. Show me you can look after her, and then I’ll approve this marriage. Theek hai?

ADITYA: Yes sir.

ADITYA: Look, Jai, I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings.

JAI [loftily]: You haven't.

ADITYA: I know I have. Please forgive me.

MISS JACOBS: Remember: To err is human, to forgive divine!

COLONEL [irritated]: You just said that, madam.

[SAMIRA enters, wearing dark glasses and carrying an air-bag. She stands in the
doorway, amazed by the dark. She takes off her glasses but this doesn't improve matters.]

MISS JACOBS [downing her gin happily]: Did I?

NAINA [winningly]: Come on, Mr. Juneja. Have another drink. I'll have one with you.

[She rises and mixes the drink.]

JAI [rising]: Oh, all right. [He crosses to her, narrowly missing SAMIRA who is now crossing the
room to the sofa, and gets his drink] I must say there's nothing nicer than having a drink with a
pretty girl.

NAINA: You haven't even seen me yet.

JAI: Oh, I just know it. Adi’s always had wonderful taste in women.

[JAI and ADITYA - one from upstage, one from across the room - begin to converge on the sofa.
On the word 'modest' alt three, SAMIRA in the middle, sit on it. ADITYA of course imagines he is
sitting next to JAI.]

ADITYA: Jai!

NAINA: Oh don't be silly, Adi. Why be so modest? I found a photograph of one of his girls
from two years ago, and I must say she wasn’t all that bad.

JAI: Who was that, then? I suppose she means Samira.

NAINA: Did you know her, Mr. Juneja?

JAI: Oh yes. She's been around a long time.

[ADITYA nudges SAMIRA warningly - imagining she is JAI. SAMIRA gently bumps JAI.]

NAINA [surprised]: Has she?

JAI: Oh yes, dear. Or am I speaking out of turn?

ADITYA: Not at all. I've told Naina all about Samira. [He bangs SAMIRA again, a little harder -
who correspondingly bumps against JAI] Though I must say Jai, I'm surprised you call three
months 'a long time'.

[SAMIRA shoots him a look of total outrage at this lie. JAI is also astonished.]

NAINA: What was she like?

ADITYA [meaningfully, into SAMIRA's ear]: I suppose you can hardly remember her, Jai.

JAI [speaking across her]: Why on earth shouldn't I?

ADITYA: Well, since it was two years ago, you've probably forgotten.

JAI: Two years?!

ADITYA: [Shouting] Two years ago! [He punches SAMIRA so hard that the rebound knocks
JAI off the sofa, drink and all]
JAI [picking himself up, spitefully]: Well, now since you mention it, I remember her perfectly. I
mean, she's not one you can easily forget!

NAINA: Was she pretty?

JAI: No, not at all. In fact, I'd say the opposite. Actually she was rather ugly.

ADITYA: She wasn't!

JAI: I'm just giving my opinion.

ADITYA: You've never given it before.

JAI [leaning over SAMIRA]: I was never asked! But since it's come up, I always thought she
was ugly. For one thing, she had really terrible teeth- yellow, spiky and ugly. And for another,
she had bad skin.

ADITYA: She had nothing of the kind!

MS. JACOBS: Trust me. She was so fake that her organs must have been chinese.

[SAMIRA rises in outrage. They laugh, ADITYA hardest of all. Guided by the noise, SAMIRA
aims her hand and slaps his face.]

ADITYA: Ahh!

NAINA: What's wrong?

ADITYA [furious]: That's not very funny, Jai. What the hell’s the matter with you?

[SAMIRA makes her escape.]

JAI [indignant]: With me?

ADITYA: Well I’m sure it wasn’t the colonel.

COLONEL: What wasn’t, sir?

[ADITYA, groping about, catches SAMIRA, and instantly recognises her.]

ADITYA Samira! . . . [In horror]: Samira!

[SAMIRA breaks loose and moves away from him. During the following he tries to find her in
the dark, and she narrowly avoids him.]

COLONEL: What?
ADITYA: I was just remembering her, sir. You're all talking the most awful nonsense. She was
beautiful . . . [frantically moving about] She was beautiful and tender and considerate and
kind and loyal and witty and adorable in every way!

NAINA: You told me she was as nice as my khadoos father

ADITYA: Did I? Surely not! No. What I said was . . . something quite different . . . Utterly
different . . . entirely different . . . As different as chalk from cheese! Although when you come
to think of it, cheese isn't all that different from chalk. [He gives his braying laugh]

COLONEL: Tumhe pata hai tum kya bol rahe ho?

[During this SAMIRA has reached the table, picked up a bottle of Scotch, and rejected it, in
favour of vodka, which she takes with her.]

NAINA: You said to me in this room when I asked you what she was like, 'She was a painter.
Very honest. Very clever, and just about as nice -'

ADITYA [stopping, exasperated]: As your khadoos father! Well then, I said it! So what? . . [He
throws out his hands in a gesture of desperate exhaustion and bumps straight into SAMIRA;
they instantly embrace, SAMIRA twining herself around him, her vodka bottle held aloft. A
tiny pause.]

NAINA: What's all this talk about her being kind and caring, all of a sudden?

ADITYA [tenderly, holding SAMIRA]: She could be. On occasion. Very. [He leads her softly past
the irritated NAINA, towards the stairs]

NAINA: Meaning what, exactly? . . . [Shouting] Aditya, I'm talking to you!

ADITYA [sotto voce, into SAMIRA'S ear as they stand just behind JAI]: I can explain. Go up the
stairs. Wait for me there.

JAI [in amazement: thinking he is being addressed]: Now? . . . Do you think this is quite the
time?
ADITYA: Oh God! . . . I wasn't talking to you!

NAINA: What did you say?

JAI [to NAINA]: I think he wants you upstairs. [Slyly] For what purpose, I can't begin to

imagine. [ADITYA pushes SAMIRA ahead of him up the stairs.]

MISS JACOBS: 'Journeys end in lovers meeting', as my father always used to say.

COLONEL: What a strikingly original father you seem to have had, madam. Did he right the
bible also?
NAINA: Daddy he was a Christian, not a Jew!

[NAINA joins the other two on the stairs. We see all three groping blindly up to the bedroom,
ADITYA's hands on SAMIRA'S hips, NAINA's on ADITYA's.]

NAINA [with a conspirator's stage whisper]: What is it, darling? Has something gone wrong?
What can't you move?

[This next dialogue sotto voce.]

ADITYA: Nothing. It's all back - every bit of it - except the sofa, and I've covered that up.

NAINA: You mean, we can have lights?

ADITYA: Yes. NO!

NAINA: Why not?

ADITYA: Never mind!

NAINA: Why do you want me in the bedroom?

ADITYA: I don't. Go away!

COLONEL: Mehra, what are you doing?

ADITYA: Nothing, Colonel. Just coming. Have another drink! [He pushes SAMIRA up the stairs.]

COLONEL: What do you mean another? I haven't had one yet.

MS JACOBS: Oh! Poor Colonel! Let me get you one.

COLONEL [rising]: I can get one for myself, thank you. Let me get you another lemonade.

MS JACOBS [rising]: No thank you, Colonel, I'll manage myself. It's good practice!

[They grope towards the drinks table.]

SAMIRA: So this is what they mean by a blind date. What the hell is going on?

ADITYA [sarcastic]: Nothing! Rajesh Tomar is coming to see my work tonight, and the
lights have gone.

SAMIRA: Is that the reason for all this desperate clutching?

ADITYA: Look, I can't explain things at the moment.

SAMIRA: Who's the one with the accent?

ADITYA: Well, if you must know, it's Naina. I've told you about her.

SAMIRA: The foreign return?

ADITYA: She's a very sweet girl. As a matter of fact we've become very good friends in the
last six weeks.

SAMIRA. How good?

ADITYA: Just good.

SAMIRA: What was it you wanted to tell me on the phone tonight?

ADITYA: Nothing.

SAMIRA: You're lying.

ADITYA: Ah, here comes the Inquisition! Look, Samira, if you ever loved me, just slip
away quietly with no more questions, and I'll explain everything later.

SAMIRA. I don't believe you.

ADITYA: Please darling . . . Please . . . Please . . . Please!!

COLONEL [pouring]: At last . . . a decent glass of Scotch. Are you getting your lemonade?

MS ACOBS [cheerfully pouring herself an enormous whisky]: Oh yes, thank you, Colonel!

COLONEL: I'm just wondering if this Tomar fellow is going to show up at all. He's half an
hour late already.

JAI: Oh! That's nothing, Colonel. Millionaires are always late. It's their thing.

MS JACOBS: I'm sure you're right, Mr. Juneja. That's how I imagine them. Pampered organs,
and always two hours late.

NAINA: Adi’s been up there a long time. What can he be doing?

JAI: Maybe he's got that Samira hidden away in his bedroom!

NAINA: Very funny, Mr. Juneja! [But she is starting to look a little worried]

SAMIRA: I missed you so badly, Adi. I had to see you. I've thought about nothing else these
past six weeks. Adi, I made the most awful mistake walking out.
ADITYA: Samira - please!

SAMIRA: I mean we've known each other for four years. We can't just throw each other
away like old newspapers.

ADITYA: I don't see why not. You know my politics, you've heard my gossip, and you've certainly
been through all my entertainment section. And besides this is not a very good time.

SAMIRA: Then I'll get undressed and go quietly to bed. When you've got rid of them all, I'll be
waiting.

ADITYA: That's a terrible idea!

SAMIRA [reaching for him]: I think it's lovely. A little happy relaxation for us both.

ADITYA: [panicking]: I'm perfectly relaxed!

NAINA: Aditya!

ADITYA: Not tonight, Samira.

NAINA, COLONEL [roaring together]: ADITYA!!!

ADITYA: Oh God!! . . . All right, stay. Only keep quiet . . . Blackmailing bitch! [He emerges] Yes,
my sweet?

NAINA: What are you doing up there?

ADITYA: I . . . I . . . I'm just looking in the bathroom, my darling. You never know what you
might find in that clever little cabinet.

COLONEL [moving towards him]: Are you trying to get me angry, sir? Are you trying to test my
patience.

ADITYA: Certainly not, sir!!

COLONEL: I warn you, Mehra, it's not difficult! Ek aur bakwaas, aur mein tumhe zinda nahi
chodoonga.

SAMIRA: I’ll be waiting! [She goes off into the bedroom]

ADITYA: Go to hell!

COLONEL: What did you say?

NAINA: Adi! How dare you talk to Daddy like that!

ADITYA: Oh!! I . . . I . . . I wasn't talking to Daddy like that!

NAINA: Then who were you talking to?

ADITYA: I was talking to no one! Myself I was talking to! I was saying that if I continue doing
what I do I’ll end up going to hell…

COLONEL: Mad! . . . Mad! . . . This guy is absolutely crazy! Naina, it's the only explanation
- you've got yourself engaged to a lunatic.

NAINA: There's something going on up there, and I'm coming up to find out what it is. Do you
hear me, Adi?

ADITYA: Naina - no! I'm coming down . . . We'll all have a nice cosy drink . . .

ELECTRICIAN: Hello Mehra ji? Mehra ji? Mehra ji hain?

ADITYA: Oh my god it’s Tomar!

ELECTRICIAN: Maaf kijiye ga thoda late ho gaya. Woh teen chaar ghar aur bhi jaana tha

ADITYA: No no no sir, not at all. I'm delighted you could spare the time. Mein janta hoon aap
kitne bus ho. Par, teen chaar ghar aur?

ELECTRICIAN: Arrey sir, aaj toh kismet phir bhi achi hai. Varna 10-15 ghar ka toh daily hai apna.

ADITYA: Accha? Sir, small problem, light chali gaye hai.

ELECTRICIAN: (laughs) Sir voh to dikh hi raha hai.

COLONEL: (Joins the laughter, rather loudly and unexpectedly) Ha, good one sir. Mehra,
kuch seekh lo, that’s called a sense of humour

ELECTRICIAN: Par koi dikkat nahi hai, abhi light le aate hain. (Pulls out a torch, stage lights dim)

COLONEL: He has a torch as well. Now that is what I call…

MISS JACOBS: Basic efficiency.

ADITYA: Sir, this is my neighbour, Jai Juneja.

JAI: Namaste sir, I’ve heard so much about you.

ELECTRICIAN: Hain sir?

JAI : Oh, remember he’s partially deaf. We’ll have to speak louder. (Everyone now shouts to
make themselves audible) Watch- NAMASTE SIR, I’VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

ELECTRICIAN: Hain sir?

JAI: NAMASTE SIR, I’VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

ADITYA [yelling in his ear]: May I present Colonel Sethi?

COLONEL [yelling in his other ear]: Sheer pleasure sir, sheer pleasure.

ELECTRICIAN [banging his ear, to clear it]: Na, na - mine - mine!

ADITYA: Ms Naina Sethi.

NAINA: Hello..sorry, HELLO.

ELECTRICIAN: Haan haan.

ADITYA: And another neighbour, Ms Katherine Jacobs.

MISS JACOBS: Can I touch his organs?

JAI: Oh no Katy, shush. I’m so glad you’re deaf sir.

ELECTRICIAN: Namaste Madame!

ELECTRICIAN: Vaise, aap..sorry, VAISE AAP PEOPLE KAAFI LOUD HAIN.

JAI: Oh, it’s all right sir, we know about your ear condition.

ELECTRICIAN: Air condition ki problem hai? Chote bhai ki dukaan hai paharganj mein, discount
bhi de dega.

JAI: No no, ear condition. Hum jaante hain ki aapko sunai nahi deta hai.

ELECTRICIAN: Kya? Mein behra nahi hoon.

ADITYA [to JAI]: You said he was.

JAI: I read he was.

MS KATHERINEJACOBS: My father was.

COLONEL: Of course madame, aapka baap kya nahi tha.

ELECTRICIAN: Accha time thoda kam hain, toh, mujhe jaana kahaan hain?

ADITYA: Sir sir sir chaliye, let’s go to the studio.

(While getting up, the electrician notices a painting in the corner of the room, and standing
next to it, Miss Jacobs.)

ELECTRICIAN: Wah, kya cheez hai! (Miss Jacobs blushes in excitement, thinking he is
talking about her) Sir, lovely, yeh toh aapne ridiculous he kar diya. Kahaan se khareeda?
ADITYA: Khareeda nahi sir, banaya. But, this is just a spare piece.

ELECTRICIAN: Spare, shayad, but ridiculous!

ADITYA: You really think so?

ELECTRICIAN: [approaching it]: I do!

COLONEL: Mehra, maine tumhe kitne baar bola hai ki tum mein potential hai

ELECTRICIAN: Kitne ka bechte ho?

ADITYA: Er, Ten thousand.

NAINA: One lakh. One lakh ten thousand!

ADITYA: Sir, aapko mera main collection dekhna chahiye.

ELECTRICIAN: Arrey arrey, aaram se. Woh bhi dekh lenge. Aise cheez mein pehli baar dekh
raha hoon.

ADITYA: Huh? Pehli baar? Doosre gharo mein kya dekhte ho?

ELECTRICAN: Mehra ji, doosre gharo ki toh baat bhi mat karo. Vahaan toh chai coffee ki liye bhi
nahi poochte.

COLONEL: Mamta Didi, thoda chai coffee lao sir k ye.

ELECTRCIAN: Biscuit namkeen ki liye bhi nahi poochte hain.

NAINA: Coming right up!

ELECTRICIAN: Colonel sahib, aapko bhi painting shainting ka shauk hai?

COLONEL: Shauk, sir? Junoon. I just love art and craft. Mein toh sochta tha ki agar mein army
man nahi banta toh mein painter man hi ban jata.

NAINA: But daddy, aapne toh abhi he bola tha that you don’t like art.

COLONEL: Beta, woh toh mein tumhe bhi bolta hoon that I don’t like you, but that
doesn’t mean I don’t like you na. I just love the works of this fellow Van Gogh, and Pisaco.

JAI: Picaso, colonel, Picaso.

COLONEL: Haan Picaso bhi accha ladka hai.

JAI: I myself love Da Vinci. Wasn’t he the one who made the painting of those bananas
and oranges? (chuckles)

COLONEL: Haan, Da Vinci bhi, abhi uska interview dekha ta T.V. pe.
ADITYA: (addressing the electrician) Well, now that we’re talking about this, what are your
views on Andy Warhol sir. The comic representation of his art infused in his theory of pop
culture.

COLONEL: Pop, yes, pop. Pop music bahut popular hai.

ADITYA: Er, sir, what are your views on it? (Everyone leans in expecting a profound answer.)

ELECTRICIAN: Sir, washroom kahaan hain?

NAINA: Haan haan, Main le jati hu aapko. But uske pehle thodi aur paintings dekhna chahoge?

ELECTRICIAN: Nahi nahi, ek hi kaafi hai.

NAINA: toh aapko achi lagin?

ELECTRICIAN: Love, love.

COLONEL: For one lakh?

NAINA: One lakh ten thousand!

ELECTRICIAN: Haan! Agar mere paas hote.

JAI: Delhi Times toh bolta hai ki aapke paas 100 crore hain?

ELECTRICIAN: Arrey sir, delhi times ki kaun suntan hain. Mera paas Rs. 2118 and 96 paise.

COLONEL: Ha, good one sir. Kuch seekho Mehra, what a sense of humour!

JAI: Now look, Mr Tomar, I know the rich are supposed to be eccentric, but this is too much!

NAINA: Jai, ssh!

ELECTRICIAN: Tomar? Tomar sahib aa rahe hain yahaan pe?

COLONEL: Haha sir, kaamal kar diya aapne toh! What a personality.

NAINA: Mr Tomar, is this some kind of joke you like to play?

COLONEL: Maaf kijeyega sir, iske jyaada kuch samajh nahi aata.

ELECTRICIAN: Nahi sir, sach mein, yahaan Tomar sahib aarahe hain? Bade bhalle aadmin
hain, bas kaan ki dikat hai.

ELECTRICIAN: No. Mein hoon Prakash Shastry, electricity board ke saath kaam karta
hoon. [All rise.]
NAINA: Electricity?

MS KATHERINEJACOBS: Electricity!

ADITYA: You mean you're not - ?

JAI [furious]: How dare you? [He snatches the electrician's torch]

ELECTRICIAN [retreating before him]: Please?

JAI: Of all the nerve, coming in here, giving us a lecture about art, and all the time you're
simply here to fix the lights!

COLONEL: I agree with you, sir!

ELECTRICIAN [bewildered]: You do?

[The COLONEL takes the torch and shines it pitilessly in the man's face.]

COLONEL: You come in here, pretending to be deaf, and proceed to harangue your
employers, unasked and uninvited.

ELECTRICIAN: Excuse me. But I was invited.

COLONEL: Don't answer back. In my day you would have been shot on the spot
for impertinence.

ELECTRICIAN: But-

COLONEL: Shut up! [handing the torch to ADITYA] Mehra, will you kindly show this feller
his work?

ADITYA: The mains are in the basement. In there. [Indicating]

ELECTRICIAN [snatching the torch furiously]: Humph! [He takes his coat, cap, and bag off
JAI's Regency chair. Seeing it]

JAI: Yes, yes. Thank you. Now do your job.

ADITYA: None of this evening is happening.

[Above, SAMIRA emerges having changed into something “more comfortable”. She is still
clutching the vodka and a glass and stands at the top of the stairs listening.]

NAINA: Cheer up, darling. In a few minutes everything will be all right. Mr. Tomar will arrive in
the light - he'll adore your work. And give you 2 lakhs for your whole collection.
ADITYA [sarcastic] Oh, yes!

NAINA: Then we can actually buy our own tables, chairs and sofas…

[SAMIRA hears this. Her mouth opens wide with astonishment.]

ADITYA [nervously]: Sssh!

NAINA: Why? I don't want to live in a slum for our first couple of years - like other newlyweds.
And we will buy a generator.[SAMIRA aims at the voice and sends a jet of vodka splashing
down over NAINA.]

Ahh!!

ADITYA: What is it?

NAINA: It's raining!

ADITYA: Don't be ridiculous.

NAINA: I'm all wet!

ADITYA: How can you be?

[SAMIRA throws vodka over a wider area. JAI gets it.]

JAI: Hey, what's going on?

ADITYA: What?

COLONEL: What is the matter with all of you? Chillao kyun rahe ho? [He gets a slug of vodka
in the face] Ahh!!

ADITYA [inspired]: It's a leak - the draught must have caused the water pipe to burst.

JAI: Oh good God!

ADITYA: It must be!

[Mischievously, SAMIRA drops her glass down the stairs. There is a terrified silence. All look up.]

JAI: Don't say there's someone else here.

ADITYA: NO! (Maniacal laughter)

COLONEL: Who's there?

[Silence from above.]

COLONEL. Come on! I know you're there!

ADITYA [improvising wildly]: I - I bet you it's Mamta Didi.

[SAMIRA looks astonished.]

COLONEL: Who?

ADITYA [for SAMIRA's benefit]: Mamta Didi, my maid. She comes on Mondays, Wednesdays,
and Fridays.

COLONEL: Mehra, it’s Sunday.

JAI: What happened to Shanti Didi?

ADITYA: She died. I've just remembered - she rang up and said she'd come and clean up the
place at around 6.

COLONEL: Mehra, it’s almost eleven.

ADITYA: Oh she’s very diligent, sir! She's educated too, speaks a bit of English also.

COLONEL: Dekhte hain [Calling up] Mamta didi?

ADITYA [desperately]: Don't interrupt her, sir. She doesn't like to be her flow to be
disturbed when she's working. She’s very picky that way. I mean, aren’t we all.

COLONEL: Let us first just see if it's her. Is that you, Mamta didi?

[SAMIRA keeps still.]

[Roaring] Mamta didi?!

SAMIRA (croaking, maid voice): Jee sir, yes.

ADITYA [weakly]: It Is! Good heavens, Mamta didi, aap kya kar rahe ho abhi?

SAMIRA: Bedroom saaf kar rahi hoon sir.

ADITYA: At this time of night?

[The mischief in SAMIRA begins to take over.]

SAMIRA: Aap hi to bolte ho sir, that before party, bedroom must be extra clean. Lady friends
may stay at night.
ADITYA: Yes, yes, yes, of course . . .

COLONEL: Aap kab aaye, madam?

SAMIRA: Just abhi, sir. Disturb nahi karna tha, toh bedroom chali gayi.

JAI: Was it you pouring all that water on us, then?

SAMIRA: Water? Arrey, Aditya Sir is being a naughty boy.

ADITYA: No, Mamta Didi. We've had a fuse. Light nahi hai.

SAMIRA: Oh! Light! Mein toh soch rahi thi ki aap dark room khel rahe ho with lots of girls like
last party…?

ADITYA [distinctly]: It is a fuse, Mamta ji. The lights will be on any minute. Aap ghar jao ab.
There’s no more work.

SAMIRA: Pakka, sir? [She dashes the vodka accurately in his face, passes him by and comes
into the room]

ADITYA: Yes, yes, pakka.

[They are close now.]

SAMIRA: I mean, house bahut ganda after party – bottle har jage; kapde har jage and pata nahi
what in the..

[ADITYA muzzles her with his hand, she bites it hard, and he drops to his knees in silent agony.]

COLONEL: Please watch what you say, madam. Aapko pata nahi hoga, par Mr. Mehra ki fiancée
bhi es kamre mein hain.

SAMIRA: Fiancée?

COLONEL: Yes, and I am her father.

SAMIRA: Oh, Mr. Mehra!. . . Fiancée! Oh, sir! Aapne toh bataya hi nahi! (twists his ear)

ADITYA: I was keeping it a surprise.

JAI: He’s very good at keeping things a surprise.

SAMIRA: Congratulations sir!

ADITYA: Well yes, yes, of course . . .

[SAMIRA embraces Adidlsey, and then slaps him)

SAMIRA: Oh sir, mein bahut khush hoon! And for you too, Samira ji!

COLONEL: Samira? I don't understand.

[Triumphantly SAMIRA sticks out her tongue at ADITYA, who collapses his length on the floor,
face down, in a gesture of total surrender. For him it is the end. The evening can hold no further
disasters.]

SAMIRA [to NAINA]: Well done, Miss Samira. Char saal baad, finally!

ADITYA: No - no - no - no . . .

NAINA: Four years!

SAMIRA: Shaayad thoda jada time? [In a stage whisper] Stomach toh was becoming very big.
[NAINA screeches with disgust. ADITYA covers his ears.]

SAMIRA: Oh, Samiraji, but he loves you very much. He is telling me, “Mamta didi, for me, no
one else. Only Samira ji”. “Arre, “ I am saying, “What about that other girl, Naina ji?” He said,
“Chi! Us se toh badbo aati hai.”

[NAINA screeches with disgust. ADITYA covers his ears.]

[There is a long pause. SAMIRA is now sitting on the table, swinging her vodka bottle in
absolute command of the situation.]

COLONEL [faintly; at last grappling with the situation]: Four years, madam?

SAMIRA [in her own voice, quiet]: Yes, Colonel. Four years, in this very room.

JAI: I know that voice. It's Samira!

NAINA [horrified]: Samira!

ADITYA [unconvincingly surprised]: Samira!

SAMIRA: Surprised, Adi?

NAINA [understanding]: Samira! . . .

COLONEL: I don't understand anything that's going on in this room!

SAMIRA: I know. It is a very odd room, isn't it? It's like a magic dark room, where everything
happens the wrong way round. Rain falls indoors, the maid comes at night and turns in a
second from a nice maid into a nasty mistress.

JAI: Shut up, Samira.

SAMIRA: Keep out of this, Jai.

JAI: Always poking your nose in other people’s affairs?

SAMIRA: Yes, and I'm a biter, too: ask Aditya. I spent the morning sharpening up my 'long,
spiky, yellow ugly teeth'. You really are a monster, Jai.

ADITYA: Shut up, Samira. Just shut up!

SAMIRA: Ah - at last! One real word of protest! Have you finished lying, then? Oh you coward,
you stupid coward! Just because you didn't want to marry me, did you have to settle for this
lot?

NAINA: Stop her, Daddy. Stop her! Stop her!

COLONEL: Mein kya karoon?

NAINA: Well, now what’s happened to your organization?

[The COLONEL goes to her but takes SAMIRA's hand by mistake.]

COLONEL: Now calm down, Naina. Aaram se. . . There baba - hold my hand, that's it,
now Daddy's here. Everything is under control. All right?

SAMIRA: Are you sure that is your daughter's hand you're holding, Colonel?

COLONEL: What? Naina, isn't this your hand?

NAINA: No.

SAMIRA: You must have lived with your daughter for well over twenty years, Colonel.
What remarkable use you've made of your eyes.

[There is another pause. The COLONEL moves away in embarrassment.]

[And suddenly MS KATHERINE JACOBS gives a sharp short scream and blunders out through
the curtains.]

MS KATHERINE JACOBS: It’s a conspiracy! It’s all a big conspiracy. The entire evening you all
have been conspiring against me, I know it.

[They all freeze. She is evidently out of control in a world of her own fears. She speaks
quickly and strangely.]

The lights are kept off, knowing that I am terribly afraid of the dark. That silly little girl comes in
my way when I’m about to hug Mr. Mehra, leaves me with the most awkward moment with
Mr. Sethi. Can’t light no matches, have no candles, the currents the drafts and the drafts and
the currents and then you all, try to get me, the daughter of my father, drunk! And on top of
everything, Mr. Sethi has been hitting on me all night! Keep off, keep off, keep off!

JAI: Come on, Katy, I think it's time we went home.

MS KATHERINE JACOBS [putting herself together]: Yes. You're quite right . . . [With an attempt
at grandeur] I'm sorry I can't stay any longer, Mr. Mehra; but your millionaire is unpardonably
late. So typical of modern manners . . . Express my regrets, if you please.

ADITYA: Certainly.

[Leaning heavily on JAI'S arm she leaves the room. He shuts the door after them.]

Thank you, Samira. Thank you very much.

SAMIRA: Any time.

ADITYA: You had no right.

SAMIRA: No?

ADITYA: You walked out on me. [He joins her on the low stool]

SAMIRA: Is that what I did?

ADITYA: You said you never wanted to see me again.

SAMIRA: I never saw you at all - how could you be walked out on? You should live in the dark,
Aditya. It's your natural element.

ADITYA: Whatever that means.

SAMIRA: It means you don't really want to be seen. Why is that, Aditya? Do you think if
someone really saw you, they would never love you?
ADITYA: Oh go away.

SAMIRA: I want to know.

ADITYA: Yes, you always want to know. Pick-pick-pick away! Why is that, Samira? Have
you ever thought why you need to do it? Well?

SAMIRA: Perhaps because I care about you.

ADITYA: Perhaps there's nothing to care about.

SAMIRA: I’ve always told you to stop pitying yourself. Is that what she gives you? Twenty
hours of ego-massage every day?

ADITYA: At least our life together isn't the replica of the soap opera you made of ours.

SAMIRA: And don't say you didn't enjoy it!

ADITYA: Enjoy it? I hated every second of it.

SAMIRA: Yes, I remember.

ADITYA: Every second.

SAMIRA: I recall.

ADITYA: When you left for New York, it was the happiest day of my life.

SAMIRA: Mine, too!

ADITYA: I sighed with relief.

SAMIRA: So did I.

ADITYA: I went out dancing that very night.

SAMIRA: So did I.

ADITYA: Good. Then that's all right.

SAMIRA: Fine.

ADITYA: Super!

SAMIRA: Duper!

ADITYA: It's lovely to see you looking so happy.

SAMIRA: You too. Radiant with self-fulfillment.

[A pause.]

ADITYA: If you felt like this, why did you come back?

SAMIRA: If you felt like this, why did you tell Mamta didi that you were in love with me?

ADITYA: I never said that!

SAMIRA: You did.

ADITYA: Never!

SAMIRA: You did!

ADITYA: Of course I didn't. You invented that ten minutes ago, when you were acting
like Mamta didi.

SAMIRA: I - Oh! So I did!

ADITYA: Still haven’t grown up, have you? Still the little mischievous child bent on playing
games to ruin people’s lives.

[During this exchange the COLONEL and his daughter have been standing frozen
with astonished anger. Now the outraged father takes over.]

COLONEL: Mehra, listen

ADITYA: Now look, Colonel -

COLONEL: Chup, I'm talking. Do you know what would have happened to a young man in
my day who dared to treat a girl the way you have treated my daughter?

ADITYA: Well, I assume, Colonel -

COLONEL: Chup, I'm talking.

NAINA: Oh, leave it, Daddy. Let's just go home.

COLONEL: 2 minutes, Naina. Leave this to me.

ADITYA: Look, Naina, you don't understand.

NAINA: What the hell's there to understand? All the time you were going with me, she was in
the background - that's all there is to it. What were you doing? Comparing us? (Draws a circle
with her finger in the air) Do you see this circle, Adi? This is our relationship. Tell me, are you
in this circle or not?

ADITYA: I can’t see any circle, there’s no light!

NAINA: That’s it! That means you’re not in it! This is the end of our relationship, Aditya Mehra.
Here! [She pulls off her engagement ring]

ADITYA: What?

NAINA: Your ring. Take the bloody thing back! [She throws it. It hits the COLONEL in the eye]

COLONEL: My eye! My stupid eye!

[SAMIRA starts to laugh again.]

[In mounting fury, clutching his eye] Oh very funny, madam! Very funny indeed! Mehra! I asked
you a question. Do you know what would have happened to a young man like you in my day?

ADITYA: Happened, sir?

COLONEL [quietly]: You would have been shot, sir.

ADITYA [nervous]: Shot -

[The man of war begins to go after him, feeling his way in the dark - like some furious robot.]

[A terrible scream is heard from the hall. They freeze, listening as it comes nearer and nearer,
then the door is flung open and JAI plunges into the room. He is wild-eyed with rage: a lit and
bent taper shakes in his furious hand.]

JAI: Ooooooh! You villain!

ADITYA: Jai -

JAI: You skunky, conniving little villain!

ADITYA: What's the matter?

JAI [raging]: Have you seen the state of my room? My room? My lovely room, the most elegant
and cared for in this entire city? – One chair turned absolutely upside down, one chair on top of
another like in a kabadiwala’s? I thought I had a friend living here all these years. I didn't know I
was living opposite a thief!

ADITYA: Jai!
JAI [hysterical]: This is my reward, isn't it? After years of looking after you, sweeping and tidying
up this place, because you're too much of a slut to do it for yourself - to have my best pieces
stolen from me to impress your new girlfriend and her daddy.

ADITYA: Jai, it was an emergency.

JAI: Don't talk to me. `

SAMIRA: She's getting hysterical, dear. Ignore her.

JAI: It's you who's going to be ignored, Samira. [To ADITYA] As for you, all I can say about your
engagement is this: you deserve each other, you and that little bitch.

[NAINA gives a shriek.]

JAI: I just want my things and I'll be off. Did you hear me, Aditya? You give me my things now,
or I'll call the police.

ADITYA: Don't be ridiculous.

JAI [opens a long scroll and reads out a list of items. As soon as he reads them out, Aditya grabs
them and puts them all in Jai’s hand]: Item: One antique hand crafted radio, Panasonic.
Cushions, apparently used by the Queen of Victoria, the 2nd. Cushion covers, apparently used
by the Queen of Victoria, the 2nd. A delicate engraved flower vase, made from bone chine. And
the flowers!

[He thrusts the taper at it]

JAI: Thank you very much. This is the end of our relationship, Aditya. We won't be speaking
again.

[He twitches his raincoat off the table. Inside it, of course, is the Statue, which falls on the floor
and smashes beyond repair.]

[There is a terrible silence. Trying to keep his voice under control:]

Do you know what that statue was worth? Do you? More money than you'll ever see in your
whole life, even if you sell every piece of that nasty, rusty rubbish. [With the quietness of the
mad] I think I'm going to have to bang you, Aditya.

ADITYA [nervously]: Now steady on, Jai . . . don't be rash . . .

JAI: Yes, I'm very much afraid I'll have to smash you . . . Smash for smash - that's fair do's. [He
pulls one of the tong metal prongs out of the sculpture] Smash for smash. Smash for smash!

[Insanely he advances on ADITYA holding the prong like a sword, the taper burning in his
other hand.]
ADITYA [retreating]: Stop it, Jai. You've gone mad!

COLONEL: Well done, sir. I think it's time for the reckoning! [He grabs the other prong and also
advances]

ADITYA [retreating from them both]: Now just a minute, Colonel. Be reasonable! … Let's
not revert to savages! Jai, I appeal to you - you've always had civilized instincts! Don't join
the Army! . . .

NAINA [grimly advancing also]: Get him, Daddy! Get him! Get him!

ADITYA [horrified at her]: Naina!

NAINA [malevolently]: Get him! Get him! Get him! Get . . .

ADITYA: Samira!

SAMIRA : No no, this is your fight Adi. I think I’m going to take my leave now, I’ll see you in the
morning. (She leaves)

ADITYA: Oh, Mr. Tomar’s come!

(Everyone turns towards the door. In the meantime, Aditya snatches the torch and switches it
off, thus leaving the room in darkness. Mr. Tomar actually hasn’t come, and everyone realizes
they’ve been fooled.)

COLONEL: Dammit! He’s made a fool of us.

JAI [to NAINA]: Quiet, Colonel. We'll be able to hear them breathing.

COLONEL: Clever idea! Smart tactics, sir!

[Silence. They listen. ADITYA climbs carefully onto the table JAI and the COLONEL, prodding
and slashing with their swords, grimly hunt their quarry. Twenty seconds. Someone has again
tripped over the milk bottles/ flower pots. JAI and the COLONEL immediately swing round and
start stalking upstage, still on tiptoe. In the meantime, Aditya runs out of the room, and leaves
his house]

[Enter RAJESH TOMAR. He is quite evidently a millionaire. Dressed in a posh manner, he is

wearing a large hearing aid. Bewildered, he advances into the room. Stealthily, the two
armed men stalk him upstage as he silently gropes his way downstage and passes between
them. Naina happens to catch hold of Tomar’s arm by mistake and mistakes him for Aditya.]

NAINA: Daddy’s Adi’s here!

(Jai and the Colonel charge towards the voice, grab hold of the millionaire, and thinking
he’s Aditya, gag his mouth with the Colonel’s handkerchief and tie him to a nearby chair.
The millionaire tries to struggle, but can’t say anything because of the gag)

COLONEL: HA! We’ve got him at last.

JAI: Ohh you’re in for trouble Adi!

ELECTRICIAN: (From offstage) Sir, light on kar raha hoon!

COLONEL: Yes yes, it’s time Aditya had it.

(Lights come on, blackout on stage. They all screech, realizing they’ve tied up Mr. Tomar.)

COLONEL: Mr. Tomar, yeh aapko kisne kar diya?! MEHRA!

THE END