Take a Walk in Their Shoes

Jan 24, 2019

By Marion Grobb Finkelstein

A number of years ago, one of my best friends shared with me a rather

interesting question she'd been posed in a job interview. The person
considering her for a position leaned across the table and asked, “If you were
a shoe, what type of shoe would you be?”

Say what? (Don't worry, this is not a “shoe” article. Read on and you'll see
where I'm going with this.)

It sounds a little out there, maybe even odd, to present such a whimsical
question during a serious job interview. Some may even call it flippant. I
believe it was brilliant. After all, shoes speak volumes about what people
value. Think about it—what type of shoes do YOU wear? What are you
wearing right now, and how do they make you feel: comfortable, sporty, sexy,
powerful, authoritative, rich, poor, newbie, or professional?

Any red-blooded fashionista worth her weight in salt will tell you that you can
change the whole look of an outfit simply by changing the shoes. Shoes
change your perspective both when you slip them on and in the way you
appear to others. Your choice of footwear communicates whether you
consider comfort over style or sacrifice feeling-good for foot-pinching to obtain
a certain image. Shoes and their fit affect your mood and confidence. They
provide a unique perspective of the world and of yourself. That’s where the
expression “walking in someone else’s shoes” comes from. It allows you to
really understand another person’s perspective. And that's what allows us to
connect with others.

Communication Tip: to understand, take a walk in their shoes.

I told you at the start that this article is not about “shoes” literally, just
figuratively. You can see how physically changing shoes would allow you to
feel differently and to appreciate how someone else might feel in them. The
same is true, figuratively, in how you communicate. It changes your
perspective and breeds understanding, which is the start of all good
communication: start from a place of understanding.

Sometimes things look pretty good at first blush and it's not until we actually
try on the situation for size that we realize it's not quite as comfy as it appears.
Just like a pair of shoes that look perfect, we don't know what they feel like
until we have them on. We begin to appreciate that someone may appear
grouchy and off-balance because something in their life isn't fitting right.

I encourage you to consider these two facts:

1. Everyone behaves the way they do for a reason.
2. That reason is an explanation, not an excuse.

If someone communicates with you in a harsh way, it may have nothing to do

with you at all. It could simply be that their “shoes” are pinching. Sadly, some
people walk around wearing perpetually cruel shoes that make every step of
their life miserable. They are coming from such a place of pain that they are
chronically suffering, and they lash out as a result. Unfortunately, if you're
within firing range, you become one of their casualties.

I'm not saying it's OK for people to behave inappropriately toward you. Their
shoes may be an explanation for their behavior, but as stated in fact #2
above, they are not an excuse. There may be very valid and logical reasons
why someone is in a foul mood, has a chip on his or her shoulder, or is angry
with the world. Whatever the reason, it doesn't give the person permission to
dump on you. Again, it's an explanation, not an excuse.

So, what to do in a situation where you just don't see eye to eye with
someone? Start by slipping on the other person's shoes. See the world
from his or her perspective. Feel the pinches and blisters that are likely
rubbing the person the wrong way. Consider the situation from the
person's viewpoint. In doing so, you will build understanding…and bridges.

Everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, so take a walk in his or
her shoes and think about what that reason might be. Even if you can't
imagine what’s bothering someone, know that the person's behavior may
have nothing at all to do with you or the subject at hand. Acknowledge, to
whatever degree possible, the reasons why a person may be behaving a
certain way.

For example, if a service representative is grouchy and provides less than

stellar service, instead of getting upset, you could acknowledge his
perspective and say, for example, “I know this is your busy season and it’s
been difficult to get back to me."

Just today, I experienced a frustrating incident with my bank that had been
dragging out for weeks. Pamela, the financial services manager, knew I was
plenty upset due to the bank’s unnecessary delays. The tension was growing
between us. Pamela was the person who was in a position to help me and I
realized that distancing myself from her was not an effective strategy. My
better judgment kicked in (thankfully) and I switched gears. Instead of going
on and on about the problem, I said to the Pamela, “Wow, so much paperwork
and bureaucracy. I don't know how you deal with it every day. You're
amazing.” When I went into the bank a couple hours later to sign some
papers, the branch manager popped in to personally apologize for the mix-
up—and to waive my monthly fees for a year and provide my business checks
for free. Wow! All because I tried on someone's shoes.

Isn't it time you got that shoe horn ready and gave it a try? Go ahead, take a
walk in someone else’s shoes. Feel the pinch. It just might bring you one step
closer to more effective communication.

About the Author(s)

Marion Grobb Finkelstein is a communication expert, author, and

professional speaker. She works with individuals and organizations across
Canada and beyond, helping them increase morale, confidence, and
productivity by changing the way they communicate. Sign up for “Marion's
Communication Tips” at www.MarionSpeaks.com or
contact Marion@MarionSpeaks.com.