The Happy Couple https://www.scientificamerican.

com/article/the-happy-couple-2012-10-23/
SUZANN PILEGGI PAWELSKI
A few clues emerge from the latest research in the nascent field of positive psychology. Founded in 1998 by psychologist
Martin E. P. Seligman of the University of Pennsylvania, this discipline includes research into positive emotions, human
strengths and what is meaningful in life. In the past few years positive psychology researchers have discovered that
thriving couples accentuate the positive in life more than those who stay together unhappily or split do. They not only cope
well during hardship but also celebrate the happy moments and work to build more bright points into their lives.
It turns out that how couples handle good news may matter even more to their relationship than their ability to
support each other under difficult circumstances. Happy pairs also individually experience a higher ratio of upbeat
emotions to negative ones than people in unsuccessful liaisons do. Another ingredient for relationship success: cultivating
passion. Learning to become devoted to your significant other in a healthy way can lead to a more satisfying union.
Let the Good Times Roll
Until recently, studies largely centered on how romantic partners respond to each other's misfortunes and on how couples
manage negative emotions such as jealousy and anger—an approach in line with psychology's traditional focus on
alleviating deficits. One key to successful bonds, the studies indicated, is believing that your partner will be there for you
when things go wrong. Then, in 2004, psychologist Shelly L. Gable, currently at the University of California, Santa
Barbara, and her colleagues found that romantic couples share positive events with each other surprisingly often, leading
the scientists to surmise that a partner's behavior also matters when things are going well.
In a study published in 2006 Gable and her co-workers videotaped dating men and women in the laboratory while
the subjects took turns discussing a positive and negative event. After each conversation, members of each pair rated
how “responded to”—how understood, validated and cared for—they felt by their partner. Meanwhile observers rated the
responses on how active-constructive (engaged and supportive ) they were—as indicated by intense listening, positive
comments and questions, and the like. Low ratings reflected a more passive, generic response such as “That's nice,
honey.” Separately, the couples evaluated their commitment to and satisfaction with the relationship.
The researchers found that when a partner proffered a supportive response to cheerful statements, the “responded to”
ratings were higher than they were after a sympathetic response to negative news, suggesting that how partners reply to
good news may be a stronger determinant of relationship health than their reaction to unfortunate incidents. The reason
for this finding, Gable surmises, may be that fixing a problem or dealing with a disappointment—though important for a
relationship—may not make a couple feel joy, the currency of a happy pairing.
In addition, couples who answered good news in an active-constructive way scored higher on almost every type
of measure of relationship satisfaction than those who responded in a passive or destructive way. (Passive replies
indicate a lack of interest, as in changing the subject, and destructive responses include negative statements such as
“That sounds like tons of work!”) Surprisingly, a passive-constructive response (“That's nice, honey”) was almost as
damaging as directly disparaging a partner's good news. These data are consistent with an earlier study showing that
active-constructive responders experience fewer conflicts and engage in more fun activities together. These individuals
also are more likely to remain together. Active-constructive responding shows that a person cares about why the good
news is important, Gable says, conveying that you “get” your partner. Conversely, negative or passive reactions signify
that the responder is not terribly interested—in either the news or the person disclosing it.
Thankfully, life affords many opportunities to respond supportively to optimistic announcements: Gable, along with
social psychologist Jonathan Haidt of the University of Virginia, reported in 2005 that, for most individuals, positive events
happen at least three times as often as negative ones. And just as responding enthusiastically to your partner's good
news increases relationship satisfaction so does sharing your own positive experiences. In a daily diary study of 67
cohabiting couples published in Advances in Experimental Social Psychology in 2010, Gable found that on days when
couples reported telling their partner about a happy event they also reported feeling a stronger tie to their partner and
greater security in their match.
Power of Positive Emotions
One of the benefits of reveling in the good times is a boost in the positive emotions of both members of a couple. A
decade ago positive psychology pioneer Barbara L. Fredrickson of the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill showed
that positive emotions, even fleeting ones, can broaden our thinking and enable us to connect more closely with others.
Having an upbeat outlook, she argues, enables people to see the big picture and avoid getting hung up on small
annoyances. This wide-angle view often brings to light new possibilities and offers solutions to difficult problems, making
individuals better at handling adversity in relationships and other parts of life. It also tends to dismantle boundaries
between “me” and “you,” creating stronger emotional attachments. “As positivity broadens your mind, it shifts your core
view of people and relationships, bringing them closer to your center, to your heart,” Fredrickson says.
When a person's positive sentiments outnumber negative feelings by three to one, that individual reaches a
tipping point beyond which he or she becomes more resilient in life and love, Fredrickson found. Among individuals in
enduring and mutually satisfying marriages, ratios tend to be even higher, hovering around five to one, according to
research by world-renowned marriage expert John Gottman, emeritus professor of psychology at the University of
Washington.
 In her book Positivity (Crown, 2009), Fredrickson lists the 10 most frequent positive emotions: joy, gratitude,
serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe and love. Although all these emotions matter, gratitude may
be one of the most important for relationships, she says. Expressing gratitude on a regular basis can help you appreciate
your partner rather than taking his or her small favors or kind acts for granted, and that boost in appreciation strengthens
your relationship over time. In a study published in Personal Relationships in 2010, social psychology researcher Sara B.
Algoe, also at Chapel Hill, and her colleagues asked cohabiting couples, 36 percent of whom were married or engaged, to
report nightly for two weeks how grateful they felt toward their partners from their interactions that day. In addition to
gratitude, they numerically rated their relationship satisfaction and their feelings of connection with their partner. On days
that people felt more gratitude toward their partner, they felt better about their relationship and more connected to him or
her; they also experienced greater relationship satisfaction the following day. Additionally, their partners (the recipients of
the gratitude) were more satisfied with the relationship and more connected to them on that same day. Thus, moments of
gratitude may act as a booster shot for romantic relationships.
The fact that gratitude affected both partners also hints that expressingyour gratitude is important for relationship
satisfaction. To test this idea directly, Algoe, Fredrickson and their colleagues asked people in romantic relationships to
list nice things their partners had done for them lately and to rate on a scale from 1 (not at all) to 7 (very much) how well
they thought they had expressed appreciation to their partner for having done those favors. In results not yet published,
the researchers found that each unit improvement in expressed appreciation decreased by half the odds of the couple
breaking up in six months.
Promoting Passion
Like gratitude, feelings of passion can strengthen our bonds with others. Many people equate passion with a desperate
longing, suggested by song lyrics such as “I can't live without you” and “I can't concentrate when you're not around.” But
such unbridled or obsessive passion is not conducive to a healthy relationship, according to work by social psychologist
Robert Vallerand of the University of Quebec at Montreal. On the contrary, obsessive passion—a type that seems to
control you—is as detrimental to the relationship, making it less satisfying sexually and otherwise, as having no passion.
A healthy passion—a voluntary inclination toward an activity or person that we love and value—does provide
benefits, however. In recent studies using the Romantic Passion Scale, a questionnaire that measures harmonious and
obsessive passion, Vallerand found that harmonious passion helps couples relate better, in part, by enabling them to
become intimate with their partner while maintaining their own identity, which helps to foster a more mature partnership.
Their intimacy enables them to continue to pursue their own hobbies and interests rather than subjugating their own
sense of self to an excessive attachment to the other person. (Previous research by Vallerand and his colleagues
revealed that harmonious passion for activities leads to cognitive and emotional advantages, such as better concentration,
a more positive outlook and better mental health. No one has yet studied whether these benefits spill over to our romantic
relationships, however.)
You can cultivate healthy passion by joining your partner in a pursuit that both of you enjoy, Vallerand suggests.
Engaging in exhilarating activities with another person has been shown to boost mutual attraction. Avoid serious
competition because the point of the outing should not be winning but enjoying time together. Another tip: write down and
share with your partner some of the reasons why you love him or her and why your relationship is important.
Positive Steps
Experts also have tips for injecting positive emotions into your life. First, learn to respond constructively to your partner's
positive declarations. Look for opportunities to express your interest, support and enthusiasm. Acknowledge a terrific
presentation at work, say, or faster time in a road race. Ask yourself regularly: “What good news has my partner told me
today? How can we celebrate it?” Affirm your partner's joy first. Discuss your concerns, such as the practical downsides of
a promotion, at a later time. In addition, be attentive and actively participate in the conversation. Ask questions and
indicate interest nonverbally: maintain eye contact, lean forward and nod. To show you heard, rephrase a part of what he
or she said, for instance: “You seem really excited about this new job.”
For instance, transform dinner preparation into a family activity in which the kids help by measuring ingredients
and slicing vegetables, perhaps learning about nutrition along the way, Fredrickson says. Or play romantic or fun music
during the dinner-making process. Turn daily challenges or snafus, like your child's misplaced shoes, into a game to see
who can find them first.Look for opportunities to thank your partner. “Try highlighting those small moments in which your
partner has been thoughtful and expressing it to him or her,” Fredrickson suggests. And find time each day to share
something positive that has happened to you.

What Research Tells Us About the Most Successful Relationships

Thorin Klosowski 3/27/14 11:00am
https://lifehacker.com/what-research-tells-us-about-the-most-successful-relati-1552386916
Positivity Matters
In a study from the University of Chicago, researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there's
less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other's good news matters too. In a study
published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each
other's good news—either with excitement, pride, or indifference—is crucial in forming a strong bond. The New York
Times breaks down the research like so:
In the laboratory as in life, constructive support is generally better for a relationship than detachment, as many people
have learned the hard way. Couples who lace their arguments with sarcasm and mean jabs, studies find, are usually
headed for a split. But in their analysis of response styles, the researchers found that it was the partners' reactions to their
loved ones' victories, small and large, that most strongly predicted the strength of the relationships. Four of the couples
had broken up after two months, and the women in these pairs rated their partners' usual response to good news as
particularly uninspiring.
Of course, positive thoughts are great for more than just your relationships and you don't need to prescribe to over-the-top
positivity either. Just make sure you show some happiness when your partner succeeds.
Communicate Correctly
Unsurprisingly, studies show that conflicts about money and poor communication lead to unhappy couples more than
almost anything else. Unfortunately, dealing with these types of problems is difficult.
We've talked about proper communication a lot before because these issues are worth a post all for themselves. We won't
get into too much detail here, but here are the basics:
The common communication mistakes almost every couple has: This post deals with a ton of the various issues
nearly all of tend to have. This includes expecting your partner to read your mind, not speaking up, and harping on
pointless issues. If you're totally not sure where to start, this post outlines some of the best ways to communicate with
each other.
Learn to argue better: The purpose of any argument should be a solution, not just a time to yell about everything. This
post helps you get to that point quickly.
Stop fighting about money: Fighting about money is a huge problem in relationships and this post helps you get over
that and deal with it directly. If you need some more, this post provides some more details on how to manage your
finances better as a couple.
Good communication takes effort, it's hard, and it doesn't always go smoothly. But when you let small things fester and
don't communicate, problems arise. Studies show that it's usually money that causes this rift, but every relationship has its
own set of issues that need to get worked through.
Maintain Strong Friendships Outside Your Relationship
When you're in a relationship, it's often pretty easy to rely on each other for everything. That's great, but it's important to
maintain friendships outside of that. Various surveys show that happy couples maintain friendships and hobbies outside
the relationship.
You don't want to spend all your time with one person, and you want other people to talk with so you don't rely on your
partner for everything. Author Tara Parker-Pope puts it well in her book For Better:
Dr. Coontz thinks all this togetherness is not necessarily good for couples. The way to strengthen a marriage, she argues,
is to put fewer emotional demands on spouses. This doesn't mean losing emotional intimacy with your husband or wife. It
just means that married couples have a lot to gain by fostering their relationships with family members and friends. The
happiest couples, she says, are those who have interests and support "beyond the twosome.
Of course, making and maintaining friends is hard work, but make the effort to keep those relationships strong if you want
your romantic relationship to last.
Try New Things Constantly and Often
Just like in most aspects of life, we tend to get stuck in our habits with relationships. When that happens, things start to
get a bit boring. Studies show that couples who try new things on a regular basis have happier relationships.
That novelty of the new is all you need, but The New York Times has some suggestions:
In one set of experiments, some couples are assigned a mundane task that involves simply walking back and forth across
a room. Other couples, however, take part in a more challenging exercise — their wrists and ankles are bound together as
they crawl back and forth pushing a ball.
Before and after the exercise, the couples were asked things like, "How bored are you with your current relationship?" The
couples who took part in the more challenging and novel activity showed bigger increases in love and satisfaction scores,
while couples performing the mundane task showed no meaningful changes.
This also means just having fun together. Research from The University of Denver shows that couples who make time for
fun activities tend to stay together longer:
"The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over
time," says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university's Center for Marital and Family Studies.
"The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant."
Those new experiences also have a positive effect on your perception of timeand tend to help you deal with unexpected
changes.
Sex Is Important
As you'd expect, a number of studies show that couples who have sex at least two to three times a week are happier with
the relationship. Put bluntly, regardless of the age, the more sex you have, the higher the level of relationship
satisfaction. The New York Times has a few suggestions for finding the time:
"The real issue here, I think, is that couples are not finding enough time for sex,'' said Dr. Smith. "I don't think you can
keep forcing more and more activities in people's lives and still expect them to take the time it takes to have sex, let alone
good-quality sex."
Anthony Lyons, a study co-author and research fellow at La Trobe, said the main lesson from the study is that couples
need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex.
"Couples need to talk about the frequency of sex," Dr. Anthony said in an e-mail. "Talking openly about sex and finding a
middle ground with regard to frequency appears to be very important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction."
It might seem silly to do something like scheduling time for intimacy, but it's important to open up the dialogue about your
sex life to dedicate some time to just be with each other.
Don't Be a Selfish Jerk (Obviously)
For every large study about big idea issues like sex, positivity, and whatever else, there's a lot of research into the
minutiae of what makes a relationship successful. To sum it up, the bulk of this research is pretty simple: don't be a selfish
jerk. Here are just a few things research says you should be doing:
Contribute to the household chores: In a small scale study, UCLA researchers tracked the lives of several
relationships over the course of 4 years. Their conclusions? Couple who have a system to handle household chores and
who evenly disperse those chores are a lot happier. So, when you're significant other makes the suggestion that you do
the dishes now and again, just do it.
Quit gaming your life away: Playing video games is great, and even excessive gaming doesn't have a negative effect on
relationships. However, one survey conducted by researchers at Brigham Young found that when gaming upsets routines
in a relationship it can cause problems. That means one person is staying up late playing, missing social activities, or
whatever else. We're guessing gaming isn't the culprit here though, and the lesson is more that any hobby that
consistently upsets your routine is going to cause problems.
Quit hashing out problems over text messages: Technology has a knack for disrupting relationships, but one
study pinpointed that couples who deal with fights over text have a lower relationship quality. This means couples who
used text messages to apologize or work out differences instead of having face to face conversations tended to report
unhappiness. That said, positive texts like the occasional "I love you" are still great, just stop trying to work complicated
things out over SMS.
Even out your drinking habits: If you're a heavy drinker and your significant other isn't, chances are you've already had
a handful of spats about it. It turns out, studies show that when one person is a heavy drinker and the other isn't, trouble
usually follows. Couples who drink together are just as likely to have a successful relationship as couple who don't drink at
all. It's not just drinking either, another study suggests that dissimilarities between spouses about eating and smoking
cause similar problems.
We're skipping over some studies that, while food for thought, are difficult to do anything about. For example, some
studies have shown that children make a couple less happy, but there's evidence to the contrary as well. Likewise, the
effects of living together, sexual orientation, birth order, education, age, and plenty of other things factor into successful
relationships as well. A lot of that's beyond your control, and while it's interesting on a social science level, there's nothing
we can really take away from it.

Why do relationships fail? Here are 10 common reasons

Posted Jul 12, 2015 Preston Ni M.S.B.A.Communication Success
1. Trust Issues
Lack or loss of trust is one of the most harmful contagions to a couple’s long-term success. Without trust, a relationship
misses two of the key anchors to a strong bond: safety and security.
Trust issues may include factors such as jealousy, possessiveness, unreasonable rigidity, emotional infidelity,
physical/sexual infidelity, relational game playing, lack of reliability and dependability, lack of emotional support, lack of
financial compatibility, and lack of mutually-supportive goals.
If you believe trust is a major issue in your relationship (or was in your former relationship), examine whether the lack of
trust is based on a pattern of evidence (such as significant broken promises), or mostly subjective emotions (such as
jealousy without proof). Consider honestly whether the lack of trust is based on tangible substance or unjustified fears.
2. Different Expectations
"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
― Mark Twain
It’s not easy for a couple to walk a journey together for a long time. The elements that frequently draw two people toward
one-another at the beginning of a relationship – physical attraction, sexual passion, common
interests, personality connections, socio-economic backgrounds – often become less central as the realities and demands
of day to day life sets in. Overtime, a couple’s expectations in the relationship may differentiate, as they begin to see their
respective life plans as “what I want,” instead of “what we want.”
Some of the reasons relationship divergence occur between a couple include:
Does your partner see you as “Mister/Miss Right”, or “Mister/Miss Right Now”? In other words, how serious is your
partner about being in a long-term committed relationship with you? What about you with your partner?
Differences in Priorities
Your partner has different priorities and expectations regarding the relationship.
For some, the significant-other relationship (and family) is the primary center of gravity of life. Nothing else comes close in
its importance.
For others, a romantic relationship, even a committed one, is but one facet of life. There are many other aspects of life
which, in their perspective, can justifiably take higher priority.
3. Moving Through Life at Different Speeds
When one partner is learning and growing at a rapid pace, while the other is stagnating, this may be a source of relational
divergence. One example of this would be a partner advancing quickly in her career and society, while her significant
other is stagnating at home. The professional and social circles of the couple begin to diverge, and soon the couple
themselves differentiate. They have physically, intellectually, and socially grown apart.
5. Communication Issues
This is a big one. Numerous studies have identified communication (or a lack thereof) as one of the top reasons for
couples therapy, as well as one of the top reasons for break-up and divorce (1)(2).
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington, a foremost expert on couples studies, concluded after over twenty
years of research that the single, best predictor of divorce is when one or both partners show contempt in the relationship.
Contempt, the opposite of respect, is often expressed via negative judgment, criticism, or sarcasm regarding the worth of
an individual. In communication studies, this is known as being “tough on the person, soft on the issue”. Contemptuous
communication works like poison - it destroys the health and well-being of a romantic relationship.
6. Narcissism
The Mayo Clinic research group defines narcissistic personality disorder as “a mental disorder in which people have an
inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration." Narcissism is often marked by a lack of true
intimacy in relationship (3).
Signs of narcissism may include (and are not limited to) superiority complex, grandiose self-image, entitlement, conceit,
boundary violations, false charm, the Don Juan syndrome, manipulation, irresponsibility, rule breaking, extreme
selfishness, negative emotions, and contempt towards others. Significantly, research indicates that high narcissism is
correlated with susceptibility to infidelity.
7. Relational Abuse
For the purpose of this writing, relational abuse is defined as the repeated mistreatment of an individual. Examples of
relational abuse include: Verbal, emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse. Pathological manipulation. Pathological
Narcissism. Pathological passive-aggressiveness. Excessive control and dominance.
8. Life Habit Abuse
Life habit abuses are traits which, although may or may not directly involve the partner (such as a secret
gambling addiction), may ultimately affect the relationship in a destructive way.
9. Grown Apart, Boredom, Staleness, Rut
If any of the four terms written above resonates with your relationship experience, there are a couple of elements to
consider:If you have been in a relationship for two years or less, and you and your partner have “grown apart”, it could be
due to a lack of commitment, different expectations, lack of compatibility, or the natural process of trial and error in mate-
finding.If you are in a long-term relationship, it is possible that life obligations (such as school, work, and especially child-
rearing) got in the way of couple connectedness and mutual evolvement. A classic example is the “empty nest” syndrome,
where after all the children have grown and left home, the parents suddenly feel like strangers to one-another, having not
focused on each another for so many years.
10. Money Issues
The longer a couple has been together in a committed relationship, the greater the possibility of financial incompatibility.
According to research, differences over money is one of the top reasons for marital dissolution. A couple also doesn’t
need to be married to have money challenges. Money issues and disputes tap into some of our deepest psychological
needs and fears, including and not limited to trust, safety, security, power, control, and survival.