A Good Man Is The Most Difficult Kind Of Man To Love

It is a hard thing to love a good man. A good man is not a nice man – he does not do things to be nice, he does things
because he has a moral code, a set of values he prioritizes and will always do his best to make sure that his actions are in
line with his own personal standards. A good man will not do the easy thing or the convenient thing, or even the thing
that he wants to do; he will do what he knows to be the good thing.
He will never lie to you to spare your feelings or attend something because social constructs deem it the courteous or
polite course of action, and he will in fact do many things that anger and frustrate you. But you cannot get mad at him,
because after all, he is a good man.
A good man is the man who will take his ex-girlfriends call while he’s with you, because he knows that she has anxiety
and would only ever call in an emergency, and he is obligated as a good man to do whatever he can to help even when it
makes those around him uncomfortable.
A good man will put the wants of friends and family before his own needs, even when he recognizes that his friends and
family are being manipulative or selfish, because a good man is always loyal. Worst of all, a good man will believe that
his unflinching honesty about not wanting a relationship will negate his increasingly relationship-like actions, the kind of
thoughtful deeds that a good man would deem necessary in any and all interactions with a female, despite the
confusion they would cause.
And the lucky woman who gets to spend this time with a good man will not ever get upset, because how could anyone
ever be mad at such a good man? Any woman knows that in todays world of non-relationships, to be given the gift of
such open communication is a true blessing, even when it hurts.
To be with a good man is certainly difficult, but to then be without one is devastating. No one can fault a good man for
making the logical decision to end an arrangement, especially when he is not doing it for himself. Of course a good man
will always be courteous and gentle, which then makes getting over him essentially impossible.
A good man will change you; you will bask in the warmth of hours upon hours of meaningful conversation and the
knowledge that your good man isn’t doing this for any other reason other than his genuine interest in you and your
thoughts. And so a good man, despite his flaws and sometimes irritating habits towards goodness, has set the bar so
high that no chance encounter at a local pub or conversation on tinder will feel like they can ever come close to your
good man.
And since you cannot get mad at a good man, you will not be able to get over him either, and will instead sit at your desk
writing a horribly clichéd piece about him so as to distract yourself from texting him on his birthday, because you don’t
want that good man to feel bad for inspiring such feelings that would make you remember his birthday 4 months after
your non-relationship has ended.
Feelings that he tried to keep you from having, because he is a good man, and feelings that you could not have kept
from having, because he is a good man. So it is true that finding a good man is hard, but keeping one is even harder and
losing one is simply impossible – impossible to deal with, impossible to accept, and certainly impossible to let go.

The Kind Of Love That Every Person Deserves

You deserve someone who does not only make you feel better, but makes you want to be better. He supports you and
your goals. He’d listen to you blabber about your studies like it’s the most interesting topic in the world. When you’re
about to give up, he’d be your cheerleader. He would keep you motivated all the way.
You deserve someone who is utterly obsessed with you. He would randomly place notes in between book pages because
he knows it would make you smile. He would call you at 2am just to tell you he wants to hear your voice. He would drive
for 3 hours just to see you for an hour because he misses you. He would send you peonies because he knows you love
them. He would text you good morning not because he feels obligated to do so, but because you’re the first thing on his
mind from the moment he wakes up.
You deserve to be treated like a choice, not an option. You are not someone’s “maybe”. He would treat you like a
priority. He would love you consistently. He would always be there especially whenever you need him. He would make
an effort to be with you. He would show you that you are his one and only.
You deserve someone who is not afraid to show you that chivalry is not dead. He would open doors for you. He would
offer to carry your bag when it’s heavy though he knows his friends would make fun of him. He would offer to hold your
hand when its cold. He’ll treat you like a real lady because he, himself, is a gentleman.
You deserve someone who loves you unconditionally. He would look at you in the eyes and make you feel like you’re the
most beautiful person in the world. He wouldn’t pick on your flaws, instead he’ll love you more because of them. He
knows that you are not perfect, but still treats you like you are.
You deserve to be pursued. You deserve to be taken on real dates. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve
someone who is genuinely interested in seeing you happy, in making you happy, in keeping you happy.
All of these you deserve and more, because you deserve to be loved. You deserve your own dose of magic. You deserve
your own fairy tale. You deserve happiness. And above all else, you deserve these because you are worth it.

Great Love Is Best Not Rushed

A few days ago we ran across a marvelous quote by Jonathan Carroll, author of Outside the Dog Museum. It goes like
this:

“You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later
when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip.”

We think this is wonderful advice for those “falling in love.” Too often, two people feel the early signs of a loving
relationship only to move too fast and scare away the one they are falling in love with. Or worse yet, they become so
enamored with “being in love” that they become blinded to the warning signs. They so desperately want to be in love
and be loved that they miss important clues to the real feelings of the one they love.

In our many interviews over the years with individuals who have had a successful and long-term relationship with
somebody, we have repeatedly heard this advice – go slow in the beginning.

You’ve heard the old expression, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” One thing for certain – neither was love. It develops over
time. It requires patience. It requires self-examination. And it most certainly requires you to run slowly across fields until
you find the proper footing, lest you fall down!

Building confidence in any budding love relationship takes time and commitment. It requires a level of objectivity about
what is going on at a level you may have never reached before. People falling in love do not lie to each other, but they
often lie to themselves about what is happening to them. They let feelings and emotions get the best of them before
they are truly ready to share their heart with another – before they are ready to make the honest and caring
commitment required to make love last.

Recently, someone sent us a copy of a beautiful essay entitled “Letters To My Son" 
 by Kent Nerburn. Our favorite
passage is excerpted below:

Here “is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long
 without love, they understand love only as a need. The first
blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as
 their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need.
 They
cease to be someone who generates love and instead
 become someone who seeks love. They forget that the
 secret
of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to
 grow only by giving it away.”

The message here should be clear – love is a gift you give to someone, and if you are lucky, they give it back in return.
But the real lesson here is that you need to step back and make sure that you feel good about giving your love away as a
gift. And to do this takes time. It takes reflection. It requires being honest with yourself about what you are feeling and
what you are giving away to another human being. Rushing to judgment about matters of such profound importance is
never a wise thing to do. Giving love away takes time. Accepting true love takes courage. And trust. And time.

Recently, we wrote an article about love that captured the attention of many people around the world. We got many
comments about it. Bloggers picked it up. People talked about it. We entitled our article, How Will I Know I Am In Love?.

Our essential message in that article is that there are clear and telltale signs for love. When you recognize those seven
categories for knowing you are in love, honestly reflect upon them, and cherishing them as the gift of love that they are,
you are in love. But don’t confuse your feelings of love for another, your gift of love to another, without also truthfully
asking yourself, “Have I also received the gift of love from the one I love?”

When you feel good about giving your love as a gift and that feeling is reciprocated by the one you love, then you both
are in love with each other. As Nerburn tells us, the “secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow
only by giving it away.”

True and lasting love takes time because true and lasting love is all about the reciprocal gift of love between two human
beings. To be in love is to dash across the field of lilies on a beautiful spring morning unafraid to fall down as you leap
into the arms of the one you love and who loves you. Go, be in love if you are ready to give the gift of love.
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz
Authors of Building a Love that Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage Winner of the INDIE Book
Awards GOLD Medal for Best Relationship Book Winner of the 2009 Mom’s Choice Awards GOLD Medal for Most
Outstanding Relationships and Marriage Book 2009 Nautilus (Jossey-Bass/Wiley 2010) Available wherever books are
sold.

How Will I Know I Am In Love?

In our many interviews with people “in love” we ask them, perhaps, the most revealing question of the interview – “How
will I know I am in love?” We have heard very consistent answers. And conversely, many people involved in a new loving
relationship, particularly young people, often ask us, “How do I know if I am in love?” We think we know the answer.

While we have heard a number of answers to our “How do you know you are in love” question, we can place them in
seven categories. And, perhaps surprisingly, they have stayed the same over our 25 years of research on couples in love.
Here they are, in a nutshell.

The first category is physical. People who say they are in love report getting “goosebumps,” “a palpating heart,” “sweaty
palms,” “a lump in my throat,” “teary-eyed when I say goodbye,” “a tingling sensation all over my body,” and the like.
People in love have a positive physical reaction when they think about or see the one they love in person.

The second category is emotional. When they think about or see the person they love most lovers report similar feelings
– “I laugh more often when I am with the person I love,” “an uncontrollable smile comes over my face whenever I see
her,” and “I miss him when he leaves the room.” People in love feel emotions for the person they love that they do not
routinely feel for others.

The third category is positive worry. Over the years, we continue to be amazed about the consistency with which people
in love report to us that they “worry about their lover” when they are not around. Little thoughts of what we have come
to call “positive worry” about the one they love begins to creep into their mind – things like car accidents, falling down,
getting hurt at work, and getting sick. The folks we interview for the most part do not worry compulsively or negatively.
These thoughts are normal and natural when you are “in love.”
The fourth category is what we call the I-cannot-imagine-life-without-her category. This is the point in love when you
begin to think about the future – your future with the one you love. When you cannot imagine your life without him,
you are in love!

The fifth category focuses on the oneness of your relationship. You begin to realize that you truly want this other person
in your life. You want to be with them. You want to share with them. You want to live with them, share a bed with them,
hold them and hug them. In our book, we refer to the notion of “turning two into one.” You actually begin to think about
the one you love and not just about yourself or your needs. You think about theirs – their wants, their needs, and their
desires. When the feeling of oneness consumes your body you are in love!

The sixth category is about pre-occupied love. Simply stated, you think about the one you love most of the time. You
can’t get them out of your mind. You pull their photo out of your wallet and you smile. You are pre-occupied with them.
When you are pre-occupied with them, you are in love with them!

The seventh and final category is love itself and your ability to express that love. You finally have the courage to tell
them you love them! You miss them when they are not around. You worry about them. You care about their safety and
welfare. You feel about them in ways you have never felt about another human being before. You suddenly and out of
nowhere are inspired to say I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! You shout it to the stars. You are in love!
By Dr. Charles D. Schmitz and Dr. Elizabeth A. Schmitz